Becker (1998–2004): Season 2, Episode 3 - Cyrano De-Beckerac - full transcript
Becker gives a patient some advice on how to court Reggie. Linda volunteers for Big Sisters.
( upbeat blues theme playing )
Oh, my God.
You know, what is it with
these damn perfume samples
in magazines?
I mean, is it too much to ask
to be able to go out
to my mailbox,
take out my Esquire,
and read it without smelling
like a French whore?
Sorry, if you're French.
Or a whore.
Wait, wait,
hold on a second, John.
Let's back this up.
You got that magazine
out of your mailbox?
Yeah.
So you mean to tell me,
your friend who sells magazines
to eke out his meager living,
that, well,
you actually subscribe to one?
I didn't mean to tell you.
It just slipped out.
Ah, hey, Reg.
Cup of coffee, please.
What are you doing?
Oh, I decided
to take your advice
and go back to school.
Oh, well, if it's cooking
school, I'll pay for it.
Thank you for your support.
So, Jake, you decide what you're
gonna do for Kira's birthday?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Who's Kira?
My girlfriend. I've been
dating her for a month.
Don't you ever listen to me?
Jake, what you don't realize
is half the time you're talking,
I'm not even in the room.
Well, anyway,
Kira said she doesn't
wanna do anything special.
She just wants a nice,
quiet evening at home.
Oh, well, that makes it easy.
BECKER:
Yeah, careful, okay?
In girl talk,
"quiet evening at home"
means what she really wants
is a surprise party
with 30 of her
closest friends.
Where do you get this stuff?
Certainly not from magazines
he buys from me.
Oh, let--
Let it go.
It's a medical fact:
Men say what they mean,
women set traps to see if you
can guess what they mean.
Oh, please.
You know what?
I hate to say it, Reggie,
but Mr. Subscription here
is right.
Don't let Becker
suck you into this.
You know nothing about women.
Oh, yeah?
Well, what I do know
is if you wanna know
about women,
you don't ask a woman.
I mean, think about it.
You wanna know about meat,
do you ask the cow?
Excuse me.
"Cow"?
I mean, if you're gonna say
something that stupid,
you could at least
fake a stroke.
Becker, you know so little
about women,
it's hard to believe
you actually came from one.
Hey, that was the best
relationship
I ever had with a woman.
My mother fed me,
she kept me warm,
( louder ):
and we didn't have
to talk to each other.
( upbeat blues theme swells )
( upbeat blues theme playing )
Oh, that's great.
Yeah, that's great.
Yeah, lay off the cupcakes,
will you, Mrs. Matlin.
You're only
in your fifth month.
If she keeps this up,
they're gonna be televising
that kid's birth from SeaWorld.
( door closes )
Hey, where the hell is Linda?
It's 11:00.
John, I don't even know
where the hell she is
when she's here.
Uh, Doug Wilson?
Yeah.
Uh, come this way, Doug.
Okay.
MARGARET:
Morning, Linda.
Oh, good, you're here.
Where have you been?
Okay, here's the thing.
I don't know.
Honestly.
I went out clubbing
last night,
and I don't know whose
apartment I slept at,
or why they live
in a pet store.
This morning, I get up.
I go wandering around
trying to figure out
what neighborhood I'm in.
I see a Starbucks, a Gap,
and a Blockbuster.
That didn't exactly
narrow it down.
So then I thought if I--
Linda, I don't care where
you wake up, when you wake up,
whom you wake up with.
That is none of my business.
Oh, what a relief.
But where you are at 9 a.m.,
completely my business.
You know, this may come
as a surprise to you,
but there is more to life
than partying every night.
Jeez, Margaret,
it's not like I'm married
or dead or something.
What I meant was,
maybe it's time
you found something productive
to do with your free time.
Maybe volunteer for a charity.
I do,
and it makes me feel worthwhile.
Yet you still have enough time
to bust my hump.
Oh, that I do for me.
Well, Doug,
it's definitely bursitis.
Oh, I can't have bursitis.
My grandmother has bursitis.
Well, now you'll have something
to talk to her about.
I'm gonna give you a little shot
of cortisone here.
Should help
with the inflammation
and, hopefully, the pain.
Ah-- Ah, gee, you don't have
anything for the pain
caused by that shot?
Grow up, will you?
There you go.
Oh, oh, okay. Uh, listen,
this isn't gonna make me tired,
is it?
I've got--
I've got a date tonight.
Oh, you'll be fine.
Oh, good.
Good. Good, 'cause it's our--
Our first date, and I'm
takin' her to the River Caf?.
( chuckles )
Yeah.
Then what, a hansom cab ride
through the park?
Single rose bought
from a street vendor?
Yeah.
What, no--? No--? No good?
Well, it's kind of the original
first-date clich?, isn't it?
You know what you ought to do
if you're going
all the way out there,
you ought to check out
the place across the street
called Lombardi's.
This little
hole-in-the-wall pizza place.
You know,
it's amazing food.
Well, yeah, but I already
rented a town car,
and I t-told my date
to dress up.
Yeah, it's even better,
you know?
You'll surprise her.
Just throw her
a curve ball.
Women seem to find
that kind of crap charming.
Who knows why.
( chuckles )
Hm.
( upbeat blues theme playing )
Did my sister call?
I didn't know
you had a sister.
Yeah, her name's Maureen.
I got her yesterday.
Linda,
and I don't say this often,
you have my attention.
Well, I decided
to take your advice,
and I joined a charity.
It's so hard to pick one.
I thought about volunteering
at the Ronald McDonald House,
you know, in case I got hungry.
Then it occurred to me that
I always wanted a big sister,
so I went to Big Sisters,
but all they had in stock
were little sisters,
so I took one of those.
She's coming by today,
and I'd like to take her
someplace nice for lunch.
Can I borrow $30?
Linda, you borrowed $30
from me last week.
Oh, right.
Dr. Becker,
can I borrow $60?
( door opens )
Hi, Maureen.
This is Margaret.
Remember
I told you about her?
Hello, Maureen.
It's "Maureen."
That's what I said.
Forget it.
Look, Moon Unit,
I got a busy day.
Are you taking me to lunch
or not?
Yeah, let's go.
Maureen,
isn't today a school day?
Oh, didn't you get the memo?
We got off
for Mind Your Own Business Day.
I got a memo for you, Morticia.
( upbeat blues theme playing )
Hey, Reg. Jake.
Hey, did you figure out
what to do
with your girlfriend's
birthday?
Ah, yeah.
I decided against the party
and the quiet evening at home.
Figured I can't go wrong
with jewelry.
Ah, good choice,
good choice.
Dangle something shiny at 'em
and women just melt.
Yeah.
God, you're an ass.
Jake, if you want to do
something really special,
I know what you should do.
You should get all dressed up,
rent a limo,
and take her out for pizza.
There's this great place
right across from the River Caf?
called Lombardi's.
Lombardi's?
Yeah, this guy I'm seeing,
Doug,
he took me there last night.
Last night?
Jeez, John,
I think my blindness
is spreading
to your ears.
Well, Re-- Reg,
isn't that place--?
I don't know, a little,
uh, you know,
downscale for a first date?
See?
That shows how little you know.
Expensive restaurants
are so clich?.
Now, pizza and a limo,
that's adorable.
Yeah, well, Reg,
the funny thing is I--
You know, I should really
get you together with this guy,
'cause, unlike you,
he really does know about women.
I see. And--?
And you're saying that I don't?
Do you see this disgusting
piece of gristle?
It knows more about women
than you do.
Hey, where's my lunch?
Oh, sorry.
Oh, this is good.
Yeah, this is the best ever.
Yeah, I'm happy for Reg.
It seems like she met
a really nice guy.
No, no, not that-- Not that.
W-Wait till--
Wait till you hear this.
You're not gonna
believe this.
You know the, uh--?
The guy Doug she's dating?
Well, he's my patient.
I'm the one who told him
to take his date to Lombardi's.
I just didn't know it was Reg
until now.
( scoffs )
You recommended a restaurant.
Big deal.
No, y-you're-- You're missing
the big picture here, Jake.
See, she says that I don't know
anything about women, right?
Well, I can use this
as proof that I do.
You're gonna ruin this for her,
aren't you?
This has-- This has nothing
to do with her, Jake.
I'm just gonna wait
until she tells me
that she's found
her perfect man,
then I'm gonna tell her
for all intents and purposes,
it's me.
No-- No good
can come out of this.
Oh, come on.
How often do I get to say,
"I told you so"?
You say that all the time.
Yeah, but this time I'm right.
You say that all time too.
Yeah, well,
perhaps if more people
started paying
attention to me,
I wouldn't have to keep
repeating myself.
( upbeat blues theme swells )
( upbeat blues theme playing )
Hey, thanks for helping me
clean out my closet last night.
That outfit looks much better
on you than it did on me.
Maybe that's because I'm young.
( laughing )
You have such a delightful
sense of humor.
So you wanna go
to a movie tonight?
If I can take my friends.
I'd love to meet your friends.
Oh, you're going?
I guess it's all right.
But I wanna go shopping first.
( clears throat )
ATM card.
Oh, yeah, I forgot.
PIN number? Hello?
Oh, sorry.
It's really easy to remember.
You take the number of letters
in Linda. That's five.
Then you subtract three.
That's the number of fingers
my ex-boyfriend
has on his left hand.
Then you add the number of kids
my uncle Frank has.
That's eight.
Then you subtract of planets
in the solar system.
That's 12.
There are nine planets.
Really?
Oh, well, then you're just gonna
have to remember it.
It's 12345.
Freak.
Doug.
DOUG: Hey, doc.
Oh, you know,
I guess that shot really helped.
My shoulder's feeling
much better.
Oh, I'm glad to hear that.
Yeah.
Let's take a look here.
Okay.
Oh, how was that date
you had the other night?
Oh, it was great.
It was great.
She is terrific.
Yeah? You know something?
Mm-hm.
You're right.
It is a lot better.
Mm.
You be careful now.
Women don't usually reveal
the full extent
of their insanity until
later in the relationship.
( chuckles )
You sound like my father.
So you gonna see her again?
And now you sound
like my mother.
You were right
about Lombardi's,
by the way,
she loved it.
But, uh, this weekend
I-I think I should
probably take her
someplace fancy.
( chuckles )
Well, if that's the way
you wanna go.
Wait-- Wait a minute, doc--
Doc, uh, bad idea?
Well, Doug, you see, uh--
What a woman really
wants is another woman.
Now you sound like my sister.
She's a colonel
in the Air Force.
No, I-I didn't--
I didn't mean that.
See, they, uh--
What they want
is their men to be sensitive
and caring,
you know. Go figure.
Oh.
Here's what I'd do
if I were you:
I would take her to your place,
fix her dinner,
and then watch
some sappy movie,
and, if at all possible,
see if you can squeeze out
a tear at the end.
And does--? Does that really--?
That really works?
Doug, there's nothing
a woman likes to see more
than a man suffer, you know,
give her what she wants.
( upbeat blues theme playing )
Hey, Jake.
Why don't you give
me a Newsweek?
What, you don't have
a subscription?
Hey, let it go, will you?
All right. You know,
I would understand if it--
If it was a magazine that you
didn't wanna buy in public,
like Big Butt Monthly,
or-- Or--
Or if you have a thing
for Asian chicks,
you know, I--
Hey, hey, hey, hey, I don't buy
that kind of magazine.
Ah, well, you know what?
If you're interested,
I got a whole stack of 'em
back here.
Heh, not doing me any good.
Just drop it, will you?
But, uh, don't--
Don't throw them away either.
Hey, Becker, how you doing?
Ah, gee, Reg,
you're in a good mood.
What happened?
You have another great date?
As a matter of fact, I did.
Last night I went to Doug's
house and we watched The Champ.
Good choice.
JAKE:
Oh, I love that movie.
It always gets me at the end
when the kid goes,
"Champ? Champ?"
And he made me dinner.
Ooh.
Have you ever made dinner
for a woman?
Think about it. If I could cook,
would I eat here?
"Get up, Champ. Get up, Champ."
Hey, Jake,
he doesn't get up.
He's dead.
Well, Reg, this guy
seems pretty special.
Well, yeah, he is.
You know,
it's interesting, Becker.
I've met this great guy who
knows exactly what women want,
but you,
the self-proclaimed expert,
aren't dating anyone.
I wonder why that is.
Oh, this just gets
better and better.
How long are you gonna
let this go on?
Oh, well,
you know what they say, Jake.
You just know
when the moment's right.
God, I love this.
Revenge is a big part
of your life, isn't it?
You kidding me?
It's the best part of waking up.
( upbeat blues theme playing )
Maureen, I know what it's like
to wait for Linda.
Seems like I do it all the time.
I'll make that a whole chapter
in the biography
I'm writing about you.
( door opens )
Hey, Margaret, who's up?
What, is sh--?
Is she a patient?
She may be soon.
Doug Wilson is waiting in One.
Oh, good, good.
Is he okay?
You normally don't see someone
so often for simple bursitis.
Mar-- Margaret, bursitis is not
just a physical ailment.
It can also leave terrible
emotional scars.
Bursitis?
Just butt out, will you?
Freak.
( upbeat blues theme playing )
BECKER:
Let's see what
we got here, Doug.
Wow, your shoulder looks better.
I think you're gonna be playing
racquetball in no time.
Oh, thanks, Doc.
Thanks.
You know, I gotta tell you,
I have never gotten
this kind of service before.
I used to belong to an HMO,
and I was never even
with a doctor long enough
to tell him what was wrong.
Yeah, those guys never listen.
So tell me, h-how's it going
with that--?
That--?
That woman you're dating?
Oh, well, it--
It's, uh, pretty good.
We're pretty good, thanks.
And?
Well-- Well, we are going out
for the third time this weekend.
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
You know what you're gonna do?
Any ideas?
I mean, you have been
right on the money so far.
Have I?
I should probably
stay low-key, right?
Well, now...
( sighs )
Doug, let's think about this.
You know, I say it's time
to pull out all the stops,
you know.
Show her what she really
means to you.
I don't know.
Maybe it's time to surprise her
and get out of town.
Oh.
You know, that's it.
That's it.
Go up to Maine
and get a lobster dinner.
Fly up, have dinner
and then fly back.
That is perfect.
It's perfect.
How--? How do you come up
with this stuff?
Well, when you've screwed up
with women as often as I have,
you--
You gotta learn something.
Mm-hm.
Phew. Sorry, Maureen.
There was a fire
in the subway,
and the train got stuck
between stations,
and then the lights went out,
and that was so scary
'cause we didn't know
if we'd have to crawl--
Where's my smoothie?
But that's just it.
I was trapped in the subway.
And I didn't have
a chance to get--
Fine.
I'll get it myself.
Linda, how long are you
gonna put up with this?
Maureen's just using you
to run her errands
and buy her things.
She is taking advantage of you.
I know.
You know?
Well, then why are you--?
Margaret. Margaret.
Margaret.
Don't you see?
Every teenager needs someone
to loathe and despise.
It's what they do.
But, Linda--
Maureen doesn't have anyone
like that in her life,
so I'm letting her
loathe and despise me.
She'll never get
these years back.
I'd hate for her to miss out.
So you've actually
thought this through?
Oh, yeah.
You know, I was a bit of handful
at that age myself.
No, no, it's true.
But just like it did with me,
life will smack her down
soon enough.
Well, if it doesn't, call me.
( upbeat blues theme swells )
( upbeat blues theme playing )
Hey, Jake.
I don't see Reg around.
Me neither.
What's your point?
Well, today's the big day,
my friend.
Today's the day I tell her
her great romance
is all because of me.
Do-- Do you really
have to do this?
Jake, how long
have you known me?
You're right. Silly question.
Yeah.
Oh, hey, Reg.
Say, how was the weekend?
Do anything interesting?
As a matter of fact, I did.
Friday night Doug picked me up
and said he had
a surprise for me.
Oh, surprise is good.
Then we drive to the airport--
Sounds interesting.
--where he tells me we're
going to Maine for lobster.
Oh, my--
What a classy guy.
Gee, Reg, you know,
I-I think you got your wish.
I think you found some guy
who really knows women.
No, I found a complete
and total idiot.
What? Ex--? Excuse me?
Flying to Maine for dinner.
See, that's when it hit me.
Every date was so calculated,
so phony.
Well, they--
They sounded great to me.
Taking a limo for pizza?
A dinner and a sad movie.
Please. I can't believe I bought
into it for as long as I did.
I thought--
I thought women liked lobster.
Where do men get that crap?
Out of a 1961 Playboy?
Hey, Hef,
wasn't there something
you wanted to tell Reggie?
I mean, 'cause this guy
sounds like a complete moron
who knows nothing
about women at all.
REGGIE:
No kidding.
Oh, well, another loser.
No big deal.
( chuckling )
Heh, how does it feel
to be so very, very wrong?
What? You know what?
Don't tell me now.
Wait until the moment's right.
( laughing )
Hey, you know, I wasn't wrong.
I just w--
You know, this-- This whole
thing about right and wrong is--
You know-- The hell with you.
( laughing )
Jake. Is Becker gone?
Yeah.
Great. I've gotta close up.
I'm going out with Doug.
What? I thought you hated him.
No.
But you just said--
Look,
Doug and I were in the middle
of our lobster dinner,
which I loved,
when he told me that his doctor,
John Becker, who's an idiot,
had been giving him
dating advice.
So now I have the best
of both worlds.
I get to go out
with this great guy
and have Becker
think he's wrong.
It just doesn't get
any better than that.
I was right.
I knew I was right.
Yes!
Those two deserve each other.
( upbeat blues theme swells )
( upbeat blues theme playing )
Oh, my God.
You know, what is it with
these damn perfume samples
in magazines?
I mean, is it too much to ask
to be able to go out
to my mailbox,
take out my Esquire,
and read it without smelling
like a French whore?
Sorry, if you're French.
Or a whore.
Wait, wait,
hold on a second, John.
Let's back this up.
You got that magazine
out of your mailbox?
Yeah.
So you mean to tell me,
your friend who sells magazines
to eke out his meager living,
that, well,
you actually subscribe to one?
I didn't mean to tell you.
It just slipped out.
Ah, hey, Reg.
Cup of coffee, please.
What are you doing?
Oh, I decided
to take your advice
and go back to school.
Oh, well, if it's cooking
school, I'll pay for it.
Thank you for your support.
So, Jake, you decide what you're
gonna do for Kira's birthday?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Who's Kira?
My girlfriend. I've been
dating her for a month.
Don't you ever listen to me?
Jake, what you don't realize
is half the time you're talking,
I'm not even in the room.
Well, anyway,
Kira said she doesn't
wanna do anything special.
She just wants a nice,
quiet evening at home.
Oh, well, that makes it easy.
BECKER:
Yeah, careful, okay?
In girl talk,
"quiet evening at home"
means what she really wants
is a surprise party
with 30 of her
closest friends.
Where do you get this stuff?
Certainly not from magazines
he buys from me.
Oh, let--
Let it go.
It's a medical fact:
Men say what they mean,
women set traps to see if you
can guess what they mean.
Oh, please.
You know what?
I hate to say it, Reggie,
but Mr. Subscription here
is right.
Don't let Becker
suck you into this.
You know nothing about women.
Oh, yeah?
Well, what I do know
is if you wanna know
about women,
you don't ask a woman.
I mean, think about it.
You wanna know about meat,
do you ask the cow?
Excuse me.
"Cow"?
I mean, if you're gonna say
something that stupid,
you could at least
fake a stroke.
Becker, you know so little
about women,
it's hard to believe
you actually came from one.
Hey, that was the best
relationship
I ever had with a woman.
My mother fed me,
she kept me warm,
( louder ):
and we didn't have
to talk to each other.
( upbeat blues theme swells )
( upbeat blues theme playing )
Oh, that's great.
Yeah, that's great.
Yeah, lay off the cupcakes,
will you, Mrs. Matlin.
You're only
in your fifth month.
If she keeps this up,
they're gonna be televising
that kid's birth from SeaWorld.
( door closes )
Hey, where the hell is Linda?
It's 11:00.
John, I don't even know
where the hell she is
when she's here.
Uh, Doug Wilson?
Yeah.
Uh, come this way, Doug.
Okay.
MARGARET:
Morning, Linda.
Oh, good, you're here.
Where have you been?
Okay, here's the thing.
I don't know.
Honestly.
I went out clubbing
last night,
and I don't know whose
apartment I slept at,
or why they live
in a pet store.
This morning, I get up.
I go wandering around
trying to figure out
what neighborhood I'm in.
I see a Starbucks, a Gap,
and a Blockbuster.
That didn't exactly
narrow it down.
So then I thought if I--
Linda, I don't care where
you wake up, when you wake up,
whom you wake up with.
That is none of my business.
Oh, what a relief.
But where you are at 9 a.m.,
completely my business.
You know, this may come
as a surprise to you,
but there is more to life
than partying every night.
Jeez, Margaret,
it's not like I'm married
or dead or something.
What I meant was,
maybe it's time
you found something productive
to do with your free time.
Maybe volunteer for a charity.
I do,
and it makes me feel worthwhile.
Yet you still have enough time
to bust my hump.
Oh, that I do for me.
Well, Doug,
it's definitely bursitis.
Oh, I can't have bursitis.
My grandmother has bursitis.
Well, now you'll have something
to talk to her about.
I'm gonna give you a little shot
of cortisone here.
Should help
with the inflammation
and, hopefully, the pain.
Ah-- Ah, gee, you don't have
anything for the pain
caused by that shot?
Grow up, will you?
There you go.
Oh, oh, okay. Uh, listen,
this isn't gonna make me tired,
is it?
I've got--
I've got a date tonight.
Oh, you'll be fine.
Oh, good.
Good. Good, 'cause it's our--
Our first date, and I'm
takin' her to the River Caf?.
( chuckles )
Yeah.
Then what, a hansom cab ride
through the park?
Single rose bought
from a street vendor?
Yeah.
What, no--? No--? No good?
Well, it's kind of the original
first-date clich?, isn't it?
You know what you ought to do
if you're going
all the way out there,
you ought to check out
the place across the street
called Lombardi's.
This little
hole-in-the-wall pizza place.
You know,
it's amazing food.
Well, yeah, but I already
rented a town car,
and I t-told my date
to dress up.
Yeah, it's even better,
you know?
You'll surprise her.
Just throw her
a curve ball.
Women seem to find
that kind of crap charming.
Who knows why.
( chuckles )
Hm.
( upbeat blues theme playing )
Did my sister call?
I didn't know
you had a sister.
Yeah, her name's Maureen.
I got her yesterday.
Linda,
and I don't say this often,
you have my attention.
Well, I decided
to take your advice,
and I joined a charity.
It's so hard to pick one.
I thought about volunteering
at the Ronald McDonald House,
you know, in case I got hungry.
Then it occurred to me that
I always wanted a big sister,
so I went to Big Sisters,
but all they had in stock
were little sisters,
so I took one of those.
She's coming by today,
and I'd like to take her
someplace nice for lunch.
Can I borrow $30?
Linda, you borrowed $30
from me last week.
Oh, right.
Dr. Becker,
can I borrow $60?
( door opens )
Hi, Maureen.
This is Margaret.
Remember
I told you about her?
Hello, Maureen.
It's "Maureen."
That's what I said.
Forget it.
Look, Moon Unit,
I got a busy day.
Are you taking me to lunch
or not?
Yeah, let's go.
Maureen,
isn't today a school day?
Oh, didn't you get the memo?
We got off
for Mind Your Own Business Day.
I got a memo for you, Morticia.
( upbeat blues theme playing )
Hey, Reg. Jake.
Hey, did you figure out
what to do
with your girlfriend's
birthday?
Ah, yeah.
I decided against the party
and the quiet evening at home.
Figured I can't go wrong
with jewelry.
Ah, good choice,
good choice.
Dangle something shiny at 'em
and women just melt.
Yeah.
God, you're an ass.
Jake, if you want to do
something really special,
I know what you should do.
You should get all dressed up,
rent a limo,
and take her out for pizza.
There's this great place
right across from the River Caf?
called Lombardi's.
Lombardi's?
Yeah, this guy I'm seeing,
Doug,
he took me there last night.
Last night?
Jeez, John,
I think my blindness
is spreading
to your ears.
Well, Re-- Reg,
isn't that place--?
I don't know, a little,
uh, you know,
downscale for a first date?
See?
That shows how little you know.
Expensive restaurants
are so clich?.
Now, pizza and a limo,
that's adorable.
Yeah, well, Reg,
the funny thing is I--
You know, I should really
get you together with this guy,
'cause, unlike you,
he really does know about women.
I see. And--?
And you're saying that I don't?
Do you see this disgusting
piece of gristle?
It knows more about women
than you do.
Hey, where's my lunch?
Oh, sorry.
Oh, this is good.
Yeah, this is the best ever.
Yeah, I'm happy for Reg.
It seems like she met
a really nice guy.
No, no, not that-- Not that.
W-Wait till--
Wait till you hear this.
You're not gonna
believe this.
You know the, uh--?
The guy Doug she's dating?
Well, he's my patient.
I'm the one who told him
to take his date to Lombardi's.
I just didn't know it was Reg
until now.
( scoffs )
You recommended a restaurant.
Big deal.
No, y-you're-- You're missing
the big picture here, Jake.
See, she says that I don't know
anything about women, right?
Well, I can use this
as proof that I do.
You're gonna ruin this for her,
aren't you?
This has-- This has nothing
to do with her, Jake.
I'm just gonna wait
until she tells me
that she's found
her perfect man,
then I'm gonna tell her
for all intents and purposes,
it's me.
No-- No good
can come out of this.
Oh, come on.
How often do I get to say,
"I told you so"?
You say that all the time.
Yeah, but this time I'm right.
You say that all time too.
Yeah, well,
perhaps if more people
started paying
attention to me,
I wouldn't have to keep
repeating myself.
( upbeat blues theme swells )
( upbeat blues theme playing )
Hey, thanks for helping me
clean out my closet last night.
That outfit looks much better
on you than it did on me.
Maybe that's because I'm young.
( laughing )
You have such a delightful
sense of humor.
So you wanna go
to a movie tonight?
If I can take my friends.
I'd love to meet your friends.
Oh, you're going?
I guess it's all right.
But I wanna go shopping first.
( clears throat )
ATM card.
Oh, yeah, I forgot.
PIN number? Hello?
Oh, sorry.
It's really easy to remember.
You take the number of letters
in Linda. That's five.
Then you subtract three.
That's the number of fingers
my ex-boyfriend
has on his left hand.
Then you add the number of kids
my uncle Frank has.
That's eight.
Then you subtract of planets
in the solar system.
That's 12.
There are nine planets.
Really?
Oh, well, then you're just gonna
have to remember it.
It's 12345.
Freak.
Doug.
DOUG: Hey, doc.
Oh, you know,
I guess that shot really helped.
My shoulder's feeling
much better.
Oh, I'm glad to hear that.
Yeah.
Let's take a look here.
Okay.
Oh, how was that date
you had the other night?
Oh, it was great.
It was great.
She is terrific.
Yeah? You know something?
Mm-hm.
You're right.
It is a lot better.
Mm.
You be careful now.
Women don't usually reveal
the full extent
of their insanity until
later in the relationship.
( chuckles )
You sound like my father.
So you gonna see her again?
And now you sound
like my mother.
You were right
about Lombardi's,
by the way,
she loved it.
But, uh, this weekend
I-I think I should
probably take her
someplace fancy.
( chuckles )
Well, if that's the way
you wanna go.
Wait-- Wait a minute, doc--
Doc, uh, bad idea?
Well, Doug, you see, uh--
What a woman really
wants is another woman.
Now you sound like my sister.
She's a colonel
in the Air Force.
No, I-I didn't--
I didn't mean that.
See, they, uh--
What they want
is their men to be sensitive
and caring,
you know. Go figure.
Oh.
Here's what I'd do
if I were you:
I would take her to your place,
fix her dinner,
and then watch
some sappy movie,
and, if at all possible,
see if you can squeeze out
a tear at the end.
And does--? Does that really--?
That really works?
Doug, there's nothing
a woman likes to see more
than a man suffer, you know,
give her what she wants.
( upbeat blues theme playing )
Hey, Jake.
Why don't you give
me a Newsweek?
What, you don't have
a subscription?
Hey, let it go, will you?
All right. You know,
I would understand if it--
If it was a magazine that you
didn't wanna buy in public,
like Big Butt Monthly,
or-- Or--
Or if you have a thing
for Asian chicks,
you know, I--
Hey, hey, hey, hey, I don't buy
that kind of magazine.
Ah, well, you know what?
If you're interested,
I got a whole stack of 'em
back here.
Heh, not doing me any good.
Just drop it, will you?
But, uh, don't--
Don't throw them away either.
Hey, Becker, how you doing?
Ah, gee, Reg,
you're in a good mood.
What happened?
You have another great date?
As a matter of fact, I did.
Last night I went to Doug's
house and we watched The Champ.
Good choice.
JAKE:
Oh, I love that movie.
It always gets me at the end
when the kid goes,
"Champ? Champ?"
And he made me dinner.
Ooh.
Have you ever made dinner
for a woman?
Think about it. If I could cook,
would I eat here?
"Get up, Champ. Get up, Champ."
Hey, Jake,
he doesn't get up.
He's dead.
Well, Reg, this guy
seems pretty special.
Well, yeah, he is.
You know,
it's interesting, Becker.
I've met this great guy who
knows exactly what women want,
but you,
the self-proclaimed expert,
aren't dating anyone.
I wonder why that is.
Oh, this just gets
better and better.
How long are you gonna
let this go on?
Oh, well,
you know what they say, Jake.
You just know
when the moment's right.
God, I love this.
Revenge is a big part
of your life, isn't it?
You kidding me?
It's the best part of waking up.
( upbeat blues theme playing )
Maureen, I know what it's like
to wait for Linda.
Seems like I do it all the time.
I'll make that a whole chapter
in the biography
I'm writing about you.
( door opens )
Hey, Margaret, who's up?
What, is sh--?
Is she a patient?
She may be soon.
Doug Wilson is waiting in One.
Oh, good, good.
Is he okay?
You normally don't see someone
so often for simple bursitis.
Mar-- Margaret, bursitis is not
just a physical ailment.
It can also leave terrible
emotional scars.
Bursitis?
Just butt out, will you?
Freak.
( upbeat blues theme playing )
BECKER:
Let's see what
we got here, Doug.
Wow, your shoulder looks better.
I think you're gonna be playing
racquetball in no time.
Oh, thanks, Doc.
Thanks.
You know, I gotta tell you,
I have never gotten
this kind of service before.
I used to belong to an HMO,
and I was never even
with a doctor long enough
to tell him what was wrong.
Yeah, those guys never listen.
So tell me, h-how's it going
with that--?
That--?
That woman you're dating?
Oh, well, it--
It's, uh, pretty good.
We're pretty good, thanks.
And?
Well-- Well, we are going out
for the third time this weekend.
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
You know what you're gonna do?
Any ideas?
I mean, you have been
right on the money so far.
Have I?
I should probably
stay low-key, right?
Well, now...
( sighs )
Doug, let's think about this.
You know, I say it's time
to pull out all the stops,
you know.
Show her what she really
means to you.
I don't know.
Maybe it's time to surprise her
and get out of town.
Oh.
You know, that's it.
That's it.
Go up to Maine
and get a lobster dinner.
Fly up, have dinner
and then fly back.
That is perfect.
It's perfect.
How--? How do you come up
with this stuff?
Well, when you've screwed up
with women as often as I have,
you--
You gotta learn something.
Mm-hm.
Phew. Sorry, Maureen.
There was a fire
in the subway,
and the train got stuck
between stations,
and then the lights went out,
and that was so scary
'cause we didn't know
if we'd have to crawl--
Where's my smoothie?
But that's just it.
I was trapped in the subway.
And I didn't have
a chance to get--
Fine.
I'll get it myself.
Linda, how long are you
gonna put up with this?
Maureen's just using you
to run her errands
and buy her things.
She is taking advantage of you.
I know.
You know?
Well, then why are you--?
Margaret. Margaret.
Margaret.
Don't you see?
Every teenager needs someone
to loathe and despise.
It's what they do.
But, Linda--
Maureen doesn't have anyone
like that in her life,
so I'm letting her
loathe and despise me.
She'll never get
these years back.
I'd hate for her to miss out.
So you've actually
thought this through?
Oh, yeah.
You know, I was a bit of handful
at that age myself.
No, no, it's true.
But just like it did with me,
life will smack her down
soon enough.
Well, if it doesn't, call me.
( upbeat blues theme swells )
( upbeat blues theme playing )
Hey, Jake.
I don't see Reg around.
Me neither.
What's your point?
Well, today's the big day,
my friend.
Today's the day I tell her
her great romance
is all because of me.
Do-- Do you really
have to do this?
Jake, how long
have you known me?
You're right. Silly question.
Yeah.
Oh, hey, Reg.
Say, how was the weekend?
Do anything interesting?
As a matter of fact, I did.
Friday night Doug picked me up
and said he had
a surprise for me.
Oh, surprise is good.
Then we drive to the airport--
Sounds interesting.
--where he tells me we're
going to Maine for lobster.
Oh, my--
What a classy guy.
Gee, Reg, you know,
I-I think you got your wish.
I think you found some guy
who really knows women.
No, I found a complete
and total idiot.
What? Ex--? Excuse me?
Flying to Maine for dinner.
See, that's when it hit me.
Every date was so calculated,
so phony.
Well, they--
They sounded great to me.
Taking a limo for pizza?
A dinner and a sad movie.
Please. I can't believe I bought
into it for as long as I did.
I thought--
I thought women liked lobster.
Where do men get that crap?
Out of a 1961 Playboy?
Hey, Hef,
wasn't there something
you wanted to tell Reggie?
I mean, 'cause this guy
sounds like a complete moron
who knows nothing
about women at all.
REGGIE:
No kidding.
Oh, well, another loser.
No big deal.
( chuckling )
Heh, how does it feel
to be so very, very wrong?
What? You know what?
Don't tell me now.
Wait until the moment's right.
( laughing )
Hey, you know, I wasn't wrong.
I just w--
You know, this-- This whole
thing about right and wrong is--
You know-- The hell with you.
( laughing )
Jake. Is Becker gone?
Yeah.
Great. I've gotta close up.
I'm going out with Doug.
What? I thought you hated him.
No.
But you just said--
Look,
Doug and I were in the middle
of our lobster dinner,
which I loved,
when he told me that his doctor,
John Becker, who's an idiot,
had been giving him
dating advice.
So now I have the best
of both worlds.
I get to go out
with this great guy
and have Becker
think he's wrong.
It just doesn't get
any better than that.
I was right.
I knew I was right.
Yes!
Those two deserve each other.
( upbeat blues theme swells )
( upbeat blues theme playing )