Becker (1998–2004): Season 2, Episode 22 - Crosstalk - full transcript

( upbeat blues theme playing )

Greetings,
losers.

Bob has hit
a new low.

I didn't think
that was possible.

Let me finish.

Do you know who the biggest
moron in the world is?

I'm not gonna need any of
my lifelines to answer that.

It's my cousin, Ralphie.

Till he was 28, he had to wear
a helmet around the house.

But I just found out
the idiot

made 2 million bucks
in the stock market.



Why do you care?

I care because he just bought

a house in the Hamptons,

and I'm stuck here with
you two in Loserland.

Hey, hey.

You speak for yourself.
We're doing just fine.

Fine?

This is the colon
of New York.

You're hawking papers,
and she's, hm-- Well, come on.

Okay, now I'm depressed.

So I'm walking to work,

I don't get two blocks
down the street,

before this school of bums
descends on me

like pigeons
on a bag of popcorn.



You know, I finally
had to say:

"Hey, I don't give handouts,

but I've got a finger
I'd like to give you."

No one wants to hear about
your petty bourgeois problems.

Yeah, Becker,
stuff a sock in it.

Why the hate?

Because I'm stuck
in a dead-end job.

Hey, I'd give anything
for a dead-end job.

Oh, speaking of dead-end jobs,
Reg, coffee to go, please.

Yeah. I used to have
some self-esteem once.

Wait a second.

Bob just came up
with a way for us

to reverse the course
of our miserable lives.

Well, not all of us, Jake.

I can't work miracles.

Why don't we invest
in the market?

Because we know nothing
about the market.

Hey, we know less
than nothing.

Come on. If my helmet-head
cousin can do it,

how tough could it be?

We pick a hot stock,
clench our butt cheeks,

and pray for a winner.

Isn't that the Merrill Lynch
slogan?

And why would we
do this with you?

Because if I hit it big,

it'll kill you that
you didn't get in on it.

He's right.
It would kill me.

All right, I'm in.

To add the final nail
in the coffin I call my life,

me too.

Hey-hey.
How about you, doc?

You wanna kick in
a couple of bucks?

Bob, I don't give handouts,
but I got a finger--

All right,
all right.

I just thought you might
want to make a little cash.

Who knows? Maybe buy
yourself a new shirt.

( upbeat blues theme playing )

I can't read this word
on Mr. Pierson's chart.

What does it say?

"Hoagies?"

( whispers ):
It's "herpes."

Mr. Pierson has herpes?!

MARGARET:
Shh!

Mr. Pierson, you can
go back to Room Two.

There's only one patient
ahead of you.

Listen, how much longer
is this gonna take?

'Cause when I told my boss
I needed a long lunch

to get a checkup,
he nearly had a cow.

But my wife Lorraine's been on
my ass to do this, even though

I keep telling her,
"Lorraine, I'm fine.

If I go to the doctor, he's
just gonna find something."

But does she back off?
Say "aah."

Aah.

Hell, no.

And I feel great.

Usual middle-age crap:

aches, pains,
a little heartburn.

But a pill and a burp,
and I'm fine.

I mean, nothing personal,
but the best way

to stay healthy is
don't go near doctors.

And hospitals?
Forget about it.

Go in for a cough,

they carry you out
in a body bag.

Take-- Take a deep breath,
please, and hold it.

Hold it?

Yeah, I need a moment
to hear myself think.

Yeah, I know.

I talk a lot, but--

Shh, shh.

What?
What's wrong?

I hear a whooshing
sound.

Yeah. Sounds like
it's coming from a--

From a blood vessel.

You know something?
It's probably not serious,

but I'd like to get an MRI
to check it out.

I knew it.

Doctors always
find something.

Damn Lorraine.

Look, I gotta go
back to work.

I'll get the test
next week or something.

I mean, you said
it's not serious, right?

Probably not,
but I'd like to

check it out
just to be sure.

Tell you what. Uh, my nurse
will set it up for you

right now, and you can go
straight over to the hospital.

Now?
Yeah, now.

( slow blues theme playing )

( giggling )

What is it?

I don't believe it.

This guy has a disease
called "Assburgers."

That's "Asperger's."

Well, it's funnier if
you say "Assburgers."

It's not funny
at all.

It's a serious
behavioral disability.

Doctor Becker had to send
that patient

to a specialist downtown.

So the guy had
"Assburgers" to go?

( giggling )

Margaret, did the radiologist
call with the results

to Mr. D'Andrea's
MRI yet?

No. I called over there.
He's still waiting

to take the test.
They're really backed up.

Damn it, he was supposed to have
that test this morning.

Get on the phone and keep trying
to push it through, will you?

( giggling )

"Assburgers."

Linda.

I know. I'm horrible. I'll stop.

Good. Because it may sound
amusing, but it's not.

Do you have any idea how many
people have Asperger's?

Probably over
50 billion served.

( laughing )

( blues theme playing )

( connection ringing )

Okay, we're online,
and our account's set up,

and we're buying
50 shares

of the computer chip
company, right?

Let's do it.
Okay.

No!

Not again.

Come on, Bob, you can't
keep changing your mind.

We checked this company out.
It's solid.

Yeah, but it's too high-tech.

We should go the other way
and find something that appeals

to the common, uneducated
slob on the street.

You have our attention.

Give me the Post.

Aha! See?

Now, this is what
I'm talking about.

"One-Armed Man Marries
Three-Breasted Woman?"

That's gonna be one busy man.

( exhales )

No, this.

Some company's making an IMAX
movie on the life of Jesus.

I smell a winner.
Who doesn't love Jesus?

I don't believe the Romans
were too fond of him.

I say we go with
the computer company.

No, look. They're
building the theater

in Branson, Missouri.

That's like Dollywood,
but without the class.

Look, I'm-- I'm sick of arguing
about this, all right?

Let's just pick
a stock and get in.

( beeps )

Did I do what
I think I just did?

Yep.

Thanks to you, we just bought
50 shares of some company

called International
Allied Industries.

What do they do?

I have no idea,
but we own it.

Okay.

We're in
the stock market.

All right.
This is cool.

What's it doing?

Nothing. It's
just sitting there.

Sell!

( mellow blues theme playing )

( coin clinking )

Yeah, don't screw with me.

Dr. Becker?

You Dr. Becker?

Yeah.

What the hell's going on?

You're just sitting here
drinking coffee?

What are you talking about?

I'm talking about your patient,
Frank D'Andrea.

He comes to see you
for a routine checkup,

you ship him off to
the hospital for some test,

he's stuck up there
waiting for hours.

Meanwhile, you're down here
drinking coffee.

Uh, is this how
you treat people?

Aren't you guys
supposed to be nice?

I'm sorry, doctor.
I left my halo in the car.

Well, Father,
they're just a little

backed up
around here today.

Well, that's not helping
Frank, is it?

Where's your compassion?

The man's thinking
he's really sick.

He's afraid to
call his wife

because he doesn't
want to alarm her.

Nobody will give him
any information,

so he called me to see what
I could come over and find out.

Like I told Frank,

until I see the results
of his MRI,

there's nothing really
to talk about.

Oh, can't you doctors ever
give anybody a straight answer?

Look, I-I-I realize you priests

are obliged to come
to the hospital

and "make your rounds,"
so I'll tell you what,

why don't you just leave
your time card here.

I'll punch it, and then--

Then you can tell God
you were here.

You always such a smart-ass?

You know, Father,
I realize you're his priest,

but he's my patient,

so I really don't have to
tell you a damn thing.

Oh, yes, I know.

Well, without violating
your professional ethics,

or interrupting
your coffee break,

can you at least tell me if you
think it's something serious?

Yeah. It might be.

Oh, John, I apologize.

It's been crazy here today.

I've got D'Andrea's
film.

Let me take a look at it.

At first the MRI didn't seem
to reveal any abnormality.

It just looked
like a black hole.

Excuse me--
I know I heard
something when I examined him.

Uh, an AVM
on the left side.

Doctor Becker--
That's why I ran an MR angio.

You were right.

The vessels lit up
like a Christmas tree.

Nice catch, John.

Thanks.

Are you gonna tell me
what's going on or not?

Look, I should really be
talking to my patient,

but if you want me to waste
my time talking to you, fine.

Tests show he has
an arteriovenous malformation.

In English.

In English, Father,
that means

he has a tangle of
blood vessels

in his brain that could
rupture at any moment

unless we operate immediately.

Now, if that's English enough
for you, then please excuse me.

( mellow blues theme playing )

( upbeat blues theme playing )

I've been up
all night.

I can't take
the pressure.

As soon as the market opens,
we gotta sell.

Sell? Our stock only dropped
half a point yesterday.

Oh, sure, that's
easy for you to say.

I work hard
for that money.

Your mother gave you
that money.

Hey. Until you've
tried to pry

a buck out of those
arthritic fingers,

you don't know what work is.

Relax, Bob.

The company is solid.
I did some research.

It says right here:
it's a multinational,

vertically integrated,

cross-platform service
conglomerate.

Yeah.

What does that mean?

It's multinational.

Mm-hm.

And vertical.

( beeps )

Okay. The market's open.

Here we go.

Nineteen and a half.
We're up.

Ha-ha. And you
were worried.

Hold it.
It's down. I knew it. Sell it!

No, it just went up
two points.

Oh, my God,
I don't believe it.

Heh, we're on a roll.
Heh-heh.

I know.
If it keeps this up,

my days of schlepping food
in this dump may soon be over.

Heh-heh. Can you imagine?

Get all new appliances,
maybe fix the place up, huh?

Fix it up?

Heh. I'm gonna walk away
from it

and leave it burning
behind me.

Well, you will tell me
when you do that, won't you?

It's up another point.

I love this.

I'm sitting on my ass
and making money. Ha!

All my dreams
are coming true.

Well...not all of them.

You know, they say money is
the greatest aphrodisiac.

No, that's alcohol.

And trust me, there isn't
enough of it in the world.

( laughs )

( upbeat blues theme playing )

( knock on door )

Got a minute?

What are you doing here?

I just came by to apologize
for yesterday.

I didn't mean to--

Get in my face?

Not my intent. But again,

if it came off that way,
I'm sorry.

Apology accepted.

Well, that's all
I came by to say.

I'm going
to the hospital.

Hey.

Frank just went into surgery.

It's gonna be several hours.

You know, Dr. Levinson is
an excellent neurosurgeon.

He's-- He's in good hands.

I know.
He's in God's hands.

Yeah, well, unless God
went to Johns Hopkins,

I think I'll stick
with Bob Levinson.

Whatever.

Yeah, w-wait a second.
Wait a second.

Why do you guys
always say that?

You know,
"In God's hands."

What-- What does
that really mean?

It gives people comfort.

Patients need to find meaning
in what they're going through.

What if there
is no meaning?

What if it's
all just random?

Random?

Well, God got him to you
on time, didn't he?

I wouldn't call that random.
Oh, come on.

What, you don't think God
looks out for people?

Oh, please,
that's just a story

you tell a kid who's
afraid of the dark.

Interesting.

With one swipe
of your tongue,

you just reduced 2,000 years
of faith to a bedtime story.

You know, I happen to know
a lot of religious doctors.

I know a lot of
alcoholic doctors.

It doesn't make heavy drinking
a good idea.

Oh, come on. Father,

the guy comes in for
a routine physical,

the next day he's having
brain surgery.

You know, where--
Where's the meaning there?

I don't pretend to
understand God's plan.

Plan? What--?
What plan?

I mean, you hear these stories
all the time.

Some guy has it all, you know:
wife, kids, job.

Next thing you know,
he walks out his front door,

and God drops
a piano on his head.

You know, some plan.

Sounds more like
premeditated murder to me.

Sure you don't want to
collect your thoughts

and get back to me?

You know, maybe we shouldn't
have this discussion.

Oh, please.
I've been a priest 30 years.

You think there's some form
of "I don't believe"

I haven't heard?

Think I'm gonna lift my skirts,
jump on that desk and scream:

"Eek, an atheist"?

And actually, I became
an atheist.

I was raised agnostic.

Don't you believe in giving
your patients hope?

Uh, yeah, I don't believe
in giving them false hope.

What kind of hope
did you give Frank?

Or did you just hit him
with that "piano" thing?

I told him that-- That
he should try not to worry.

That they've had a lot of
success with this procedure.

Wow. I'll bet that filled
him with confidence.

So, what are his chances?

They're-- They're
pretty good, actually.

You know, if all goes well.
But it doesn't always.

You know? He could have
a hemorrhage during surgery,

he could stroke out, even die.

I've seen it happen before.

And then the family
sits around in shock,

because someone told them

that God would take care
of their loved ones.

And then I'm stuck
trying to explain

why God didn't come through.

Must be difficult.

You're damned right it is.

Would you like to
talk about it?

Oh, boy.

Yeah, you know something,

Father, you-- You work
your side of the street,

I-I'll work mine.

You got it.

You know, you remind me
of that old joke:

Know what the difference is
between doctors and God?

God doesn't think
he's a doctor.

Hey, you know,
I got news for you.

If he comes out of surgery,
and the first thing he sees

is a priest, he's not exactly
gonna be filled with confidence.

Oh, they are building you...
( door closes )

a condo in hell
even as we speak.

( mellow blues theme playing )

Done, done and done.

We are now fully
computerized.

Every single patient
up to and including

that guy with
"Assburgers."

Linda.

Oh, there's something wrong.

I can't get into the file.

That's because
I changed the password.

Would you like to tell me
the new password?

I don't know.

What if it fell
into the wrong hands?

It started in the wrong hands.

Well, okay, but you're
not gonna like it.

Linda, what is
the password?

Assburgers.

You gotta admit,
you'll never forget it.

Margaret, I'm gonna
take off early.

I wanna get to the hospital
before Frank D'Andrea

gets out of surgery.

( giggling )

"Assburgers."
That is kind of funny.

Are you talking about
Asperger's syndrome?

Is that what
you're laughing at?

Margaret, I'm surprised
at you.

That's a very serious illness.

Yeah, Margaret.
Really.

( door opens )

( upbeat blues theme playing )

This world of
high finance,

it's just like sex
with my ex-wife.

You're up, you're down,
you're in, you're out,

you're never quite sure
when it's over,

but in the end you know
it's gonna cost you money.

I can't listen.

I just can't listen
to him anymore.

Just sell the damn stock.

Gladly.

( beeps )

Okay, Bob, you can stop
crying. We're out.

Whoo. What a thrill ride.

How'd we do?

Let's see.

Less commission...
we've made a profit

of $17.50 apiece.

I'm ahead $17.50?

Bob is hot.

Who wants to go to
Atlantic City?

Three-hour bus ride

to watch you wet yourself
at a blackjack table?

Fine.

I'll take Mom.

It'd be good for her to
get a little fresh air.

That reminds me.
I have to change her tank.

Well, so much for
getting rich quick, huh?

Oh, my God.

That IMAX Jesus movie
that Bob wanted to invest in?

They got taken over
by Disney.

Disney bought Jesus?

Yeah, and it just
went up 28 points.

Bob knew this,
it would kill him.

I'll try to catch him.

( upbeat blues theme playing )

( indistinct PA announcement )

Where's your God now?

It shouldn't be
too much longer.

( sighs )

Dr. Levinson
said he'd page me

as soon as Frank's
out of surgery.

You mind if I wait in here?

I've been with
Frank's wife all afternoon,

and to tell you the truth,
she's driving me nuts.

Thought you people were
supposed to like everyone.

It's not always easy.

Tell me about it.

( indistinct PA announcement )

Well, this is stupid.

We could at least
have a conversation.

We could, as long as
it's not about religion.

You like sports?

Yeah. Yeah, I like football.

Used to play
a little in college.

Yeah, I like it too.
Mm-hm.

Every once in a while
I go back

and catch
the Harvard-Yale game.
Oh.

Watch 'em kick their Yalie
asses back to New Haven.

Hm.

I went to Yale.

Okay. New subject.

( sighs )
So are you married?

Divorced twice.

There's a shocker.

Okay. New subject.

He does nice work,
doesn't he?

I thought we weren't
gonna talk about God.

We aren't.

Those came from
Dr. Hilborn upstairs.

Well, I think maybe we should

just go back to
sitting here quietly.

Works for me.

Although I gotta
say something.

You know...you're not
just one of those

light-a-candle-and-run
kind of priests.

I mean, you're really here
for this guy.

You're helping his family.

You obviously--
You obviously care a lot.

Well, Frank's not just
a member of my parish.

He happens to be my brother.

You mean, like in a...

"All men are brothers"
kind of way?

No, like in a, "We had the same
mother and father" kind of way.

Oh, wow.

Oh, jeez.
I feel like such a--

Schmuck?

You know,
you could have told me.

Would it have
made any difference?

Yeah. I wouldn't
have been

so blunt about
his condition.

I would have lied
a little bit

so you wouldn't
have to be so worried.

That's what I figured.

So you tricked me?

Yeah. I needed
to know the truth.

Oh, man. All--

All this time we've--
We've been arguing,

you're worried
about your brother.

Well, screaming at you
helped me

take my mind off things.

Still feel like
a schmuck.

That's okay.
I forgive you.

Like you have
a choice.

( pager beeps )

It's Dr. Levinson.
I'll be right back.

( indistinct PA announcement )

It's Becker.

Thank you very much.

He's fine.

He's fine.

Surgery was
a complete success.

No complications.

Prognosis is
excellent.

Thank God.

And thank you.

Well...at least
I got a mention.

Look, he's
gonna be, uh--

He's gonna be in recovery
for a while. If you don't mind,

I'm gonna go grab a cigarette
before I talk to his wife.

You'll need it.

Listen, do you mind
if I join you?

Do you smoke?

You know, it's the one vice
they still allow me.

That's interesting,
Father.

Cigarettes
kill you.

I-I wonder why
God made them.

Yeah, yeah. He works
in mysterious ways.

Just shut up.

( mellow blues theme playing )

( upbeat blues theme playing )