Becker (1998–2004): Season 2, Episode 16 - Old Yeller - full transcript
Attempting to recapture his youth, Becker buys a motorcycle.
( upbeat blues theme playing )
What exactly are you doing,
Jake?
Excuse me.
Every once in a while
I like to blend in.
You're a blind man reading
an upside-down
Yiddish newspaper.
Oh, yeah,
you're blending right in.
Quit hocking me.
So, Reg, you know what I heard
this morning on the radio?
Some guy out in Queens
buys a painting for 5 bucks
at a garage sale.
Turns out it's a masterpiece,
and it's worth
a million dollars.
I mean, why couldn't
that happen to us?
Or better yet, to me.
Jake, what are you saying?
You wanna leave all of this?
I'm saying I'd do anything
for a million bucks.
Anything?
Mm-hm.
Would you...eat a bug?
I think I just did.
Give me that.
Oh, it's just a piece of...
parsley.
Well, it's official.
They finally turned New York
into a police state.
I'm driving to work and,
like I do every morning,
when I get to the corner
of White Plains Road
and Lester Avenue,
I turn right.
And I know, I know,
it's a one-way street,
but I only go 25 yards,
then I take a shortcut
down this alley.
Today, some idiot of a cop
is lying in wait for me,
and he tickets me
for an illegal turn,
broken taillight,
no seat belt,
and, oh, yeah,
no rear-view mirror.
I'm going the wrong way
down a one-way street.
There's nothing behind me.
Yeah, and then to add
insult to injury, he--
He busts me
for an expired license.
Says guys my age
should know better.
Can you believe that?
I'd eat dirt
for a million dollars.
Even I would eat dirt
for a million dollars.
Yeah, but how about the dirt
from an old shepherd's sandal
on a hot and sweaty day?
Excuse me, but I'm trying
to alert you to an injustice.
I was abused by the cops,
and now I have to go to the DMV.
Doesn't this mean anything
to you people?
How sweaty a day
are we talking about?
Oh, yeah, fine.
Fine, fine, but when
the goon squad comes
and takes your licenses away,
don't come crying to me.
Uh, John, about me losing
my driver's license--
Oh, you know
what I'm talking about.
( both laughing )
( upbeat blues theme playing )
You're late.
Excuse me?
I always wanted
to say that to him.
First of all, I'm not late.
Secondly, I'm late 'cause
I had to drop my car off
at the mechanic 'cause
some jackbooted thug of a cop
decided it wasn't roadworthy.
I mean, you show me
where it's written
where the-- The back window
has to be made
entirely out of glass.
You know, you--
You can see
perfectly well
through Saran Wrap.
And it makes a pretty sexy
party dress.
I'm just saying.
Well, I sure feel safer knowing
I can cross Lester Avenue
without worrying about you
barreling down it the wrong way.
Oh, come on,
it's only for 25 yards.
BOTH ( imitating ):
"Or else I have to go
around the block."
Well, I do.
Oh, and, uh, I gotta
get out of here by 4:00.
I have to go to the DMV
to renew my license.
You know,
what a pain in the ass.
I have forgotten more
about driving
than most people will ever know.
Well, be sure to tell 'em that.
They will slide you
right through.
I have to take the written test,
the driving test, the eye test.
I renewed my license, and they
didn't make me do all that.
Oh, but I'm young.
What's that supposed
to mean?
It means you're old.
Tony Petrilli is waiting
in Room 1.
He's got some kind
of back "dealie."
"Dealie"?
Linda checked him in.
Well, what's wrong with him?
I don't know. He's got some kind
of whatchamacallit.
You're the doctor.
Figure it out.
Super helpful, Margaret.
So, Tony, I understand you have
some kind of...back thingy.
What'd you do to it?
Well, I've been telling everyone
I did it playing racquetball,
but the truth is, I sneezed.
Huh.
It's so embarrassing.
I guess you gotta expect
that sort of thing
when you get to be our age.
What're you talking about,
"our age"?
You gotta be at least...
Okay, let's take a look
at your back.
Let me know when it hurts.
Oh.
Go figure. I've been riding
a motorcycle for years,
and now I hurt myself sneezing.
I didn't know you had
a motorcycle.
Oh, yeah, it's the best.
It makes me feel
like a kid again.
Old guys like us, we need
something like that, right?
Yeah, speak for yourself.
Hop down here, will you?
I gotta take an x-ray,
see what's going on.
God, I love that motorcycle.
But like everything I enjoy,
my wife's making me
get rid of it.
She says it's too dangerous.
Between her and my grandkids,
they don't shut up about it.
Grandkids?
Wh--? When's your birthday?
January.
Oh, well, there you go.
All right.
( upbeat blues theme playing )
You're next, sir.
"Sir"?
Who are you calling "sir"?
You're either a "sir"
or a "ma'am."
I took a shot.
How--? How--?
How about "buddy" or "pal"?
Yeah, let's take it slow.
We only just met.
Well, I see you practically
aced the written test.
Only nine wrong.
Those are some
damn hard questions.
I mean, "Who has
the right of way
at a four-way stop sign?"
I live in the Bronx.
It's the guy with the gun.
I'll give you that one.
Now read the fifth line
on the eye chart.
Put one hand
over your left eye
and, do me a favor,
the other hand over your mouth.
Uh, E-R-M-A-B.
Wanna go again?
Uh-huh.
Well, let's see--
Uh, U-R-C-N-O.
Is that your final answer?
Yeah, that's my final answer.
Sorry. You wanna try
it with your glasses?
Oh, I-- I don't-- I don't
wear these when I drive.
You do now.
Put them on and read to me.
That's, uh...
H-O--
Oh, close enough.
Step to the red line.
( shutter clicks )
That's great. What, did you
just take my picture?
No, it was the paparazzi.
They must have found out
you were here.
Here's your temporary license.
Will I be getting
a permanent one?
No, they call
it a temporary license
because Irving Temporary
invented it.
Boy, you don't look
your age at all.
Well, thank you very much.
I try to take care of myself.
I guess you could take that
more than one way. Next.
( upbeat blues theme playing )
Hey, come on, Reg, what might
seem exotic in this culture,
well, that could be normal
in another one.
Quit stalling.
Would you or wouldn't you
eat monkey brains
for a million dollars?
Idiots.
Are--? Are we talking
free-range monkeys?
( upbeat blues theme playing )
I'm so happy
to be treated by you
instead of those HMO doctors.
Well, thank you.
You have so much more
experience.
Thank you.
You know...older.
Thank you.
Oh.
LINDA: Oh, that's so cute.
That's the sound my grandpa
makes when he sits down.
I did not make a sound.
Oh.
There it is again.
I forget which look that is.
"Shut up, Linda"
or "Go away, Linda."
Oh, that's not nice at all.
Your mechanic called.
Uh, he's having trouble
finding parts for your car.
Why don't you just
turn that thing into a planter?
Oh, put that look away.
It doesn't work on me.
Heh. Here's your mail.
What is this?
An AARP card?
Is this a conspiracy?
I'm not a retired person.
Why are they sending me
this now?
Oh, actually, you've been
getting them for months.
I usually just throw them away,
but today it just seemed
too delicious to let go.
Yeah, well, throw it away.
You're sure?
You could get 50 cents off
on orange-flavored Metamucil.
Fine.
I'll throw it away.
Ouch. Shoot.
Don't say a word.
( upbeat blues theme playing )
Debbie.
Hi, Dr. Becker.
How are you doing?
Great.
Well, except that I have
to get a flu shot.
Oh, come on.
I hate shots.
Ah, it's no big deal.
It doesn't hurt.
Hey, Dr. Becker, can I ask you
a personal question?
Sure, I guess.
Well, you're divorced, right?
Yeah, twice.
I wanted to make sure
I got it right.
Hee-hee. You are so funny.
( chuckles )
Well, you know,
there's this concert coming up,
and I have a couple of tickets.
Oh, gee.
Well, I think that you should
take my mother.
I mean, you're about
the same age, and she's-- Ouch!
( upbeat blues theme playing )
Her mother's age, my ass.
You know something?
Oh, what the hell, just do it.
Hey, Tony, look,
if you're still serious
about getting rid
of that motorcycle,
I've been giving
it some thought,
and, you know,
damn it, I'll take it.
Uh, John Becker.
Your-- Your doctor.
Yeah, yeah, name your price.
N-name another price.
( upbeat blues theme playing )
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh.
Yeah, yeah.
( knock on door )
What's that?
A helmet.
Please tell me it's because
you've been falling down a lot.
No.
As a matter of fact,
it's because I just bought
Tony Petrilli's motorcycle.
What?
Are you crazy?
You're actually gonna
ride around the city on a bike?
It's not a bike.
A bike has baseball cards
stuck in its spokes.
What I have is a motorcycle.
What you have is a desperate
need to recapture your youth.
Oh, come on, John,
it's such a childish cliché.
Is not.
Look, forget for the moment
that it's pathetic.
Forget for the moment
that you're too old for it.
The fact is, you're a menace
to society on four wheels.
I can't imagine you on two.
Other than hump-busting,
did you come in here
for a reason?
Yes, I came in here to tell you
that the drug rep
from Kennard Pharmaceuticals
is here to see you.
Oh, and I told you,
I don't wanna talk
to those drug company idiots.
Excuse me. Dr. Becker?
Oh, yeah, I'm sorry, miss,
you had to come
all the way down here.
I-I don't have time
to talk to you.
Oh, hey,
you ride a bike?
Well, yeah,
as a matter of fact, I do.
Oh, it's-- It's not a bike.
Thank you.
No, but you just said,
it's not--
Thank you.
( upbeat blues theme playing )
( laughing )
So--? So why don't I give you
that ride sometime?
Well, I'm, uh,
free this weekend.
Oh, great. Well,
I'll give you a call then.
Okay. Great.
Bye.
Bye-bye.
( chuckles )
Oh, aren't you dating
Dr. Carson anymore?
What are you talking about?
She's talking
about you and Liz.
Remember Liz? Pretty, red hair,
for some inexplicable reason
puts up with you?
Wha--? Oh, her?
No, she's not a date.
Oh, come on, you know,
a man and a woman can't go
for a ride in the country
and then have a quiet dinner
without it...
Oh, boy.
Uh, yeah, Margaret,
get me out of it.
But you've gotta admit,
the, uh-- The motorcycle works.
( upbeat blues theme playing )
How about roller-skating through
Central Park naked at midnight?
No.
How about eating a light bulb?
Oh, you know,
I can't believe it.
Are you two idiots
still thinking of things
you'd do for a million bucks?
No, now we're trying
to think of things
stupider than you
buying that motorcycle.
JAKE:
So far we can't.
Oh, I get it.
Yeah, Margaret called
to tell you, huh?
No, Margaret came over here
to tell us.
She wanted to see
the looks on our faces.
JAKE:
You know, I--
I laughed so hard
that for a second
I thought I could see.
( both laughing )
So are you gonna go
the whole route, Becker?
Leather pants, white scarf,
little Village People hat?
( laughs )
Yeah, is it just insults today,
or could I get some coffee
around here?
What? Have we been
too rough on you, Becker?
Oh, that's right,
I keep forgetting.
You're the one
who makes fun of people,
and we're the ones
who get made fun of.
Okay, so we're on the same page.
Come on, Becker, a guy your age
riding a motorcycle?
That's just the kind of cliché
you'd jump all over.
If it were some other guy,
you'd say he was just some
pathetic old fart
tooling around the city
in some sad, desperate attempt
to try to turn back the clock.
That's what you'd say.
But not me.
I'm too nice.
Yeah, right.
You know, you're gonna
be whistling a different tune
when I pull up on it outside.
It'll be, "Ooh, ooh, please,
let me have a ride."
If it's all the same to you,
I like my arms and legs,
oh, I don't know, attached.
Yeah.
So how'd you learn how
to ride this thing anyway?
Did you have one
in college?
Huh?
What are you talking about?
You do know how to ride it,
don't you?
Oh, yeah, sure, of course I do.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I've ridden one all my life.
Nothing to it. Nothing to it.
( upbeat blues theme playing )
Oh, yeah, that's a clutch.
Clutch.
Clutch.
All right, there it is.
What's next?
Uh, gears, yeah.
( horn honks )
Oh, jeez.
A horn.
That's-- That's cool.
( knock on door )
What?
MAN:
It's Alexi, the super.
Do you have a motorcycle
in there?
No.
Hey, what--? What--?
What the hell are you doing?
What is that?
Oh, motorcycle.
Yeah, yeah, how'd you know?
Alexi knows everything
that goes on here.
When it comes to this building,
I am watchful and tough.
Like a bull dyke.
You can't keep that here.
Is dangerous.
Dangerous?
Oh, come--
Hey, hey, you can't come
in here and just help yourself.
Thank you.
Oh, come on, why--? Why don't
you go harass some other tenant?
Like Anita in 8-K?
She's got so many johns
going in and out,
she should put
a turnstile in.
Don't you have a problem
with that?
Yes, she charges
too freaking much.
Come on, you know, I can't
put that on the street.
It'll get ripped off.
Give me a couple of weeks
to find a garage.
Okay.
Who is this for anyway?
Your grandson?
No, it happens to be mine.
( laughs )
You know something?
Just get out of here.
What is this,
midlife crisis?
Get out.
Go and see Anita.
She will make you feel
young again.
Out!
I think I look pretty cool.
( imitating engine )
Oh, yeah, yeah, definitely cool.
( imitating engine )
( upbeat blues theme swells )
Ow!
( upbeat blues theme playing )
Mm-hm.
Morning.
You wanna tell me
what happened?
Not particularly.
You hurt yourself on that
stupid motorcycle, didn't you?
Oh, please, Margaret,
this happened in my apartment.
If you can figure out how
I injured myself on a motorcycle
in my apartment, be my guest.
How about this?
You were sitting on it playing
little vroom-vroom games,
and then it fell over on you
and you hurt your leg.
Your friend
at the Emergency Room
called and told you,
didn't she?
No, she came over.
She wanted to see
the look on my face.
John, please, I'm begging you,
get rid of it.
If you ever actually
get it out of your apartment,
you're gonna kill yourself.
All right, fine.
All right, I'll get rid of it.
But quit nagging me,
will you, Margaret?
John, you can't stop yourself
from getting older.
Yeah, maybe,
but I don't have to like it.
You know, you--
You go through your entire life
seeing yourself a certain way,
and then all of a sudden,
the rest of the world
has a meeting
and decides you've changed.
Next thing you know, you--
You can't read the eye chart,
they're calling you "sir,"
they're setting you up
with their mothers,
and you're making little noises
when you sit down.
Do you have to go
kicking and screaming
through your whole life?
Can't you do anything
gracefully?
All right, fine,
fine, Margaret.
I will age gracefully.
I'll-- I'll buy one of those
little motorized chairs
with the little grocery basket
in the front
and the little dingle bell
on the handlebars.
The way you drive, you might
wanna hold on to that helmet.
Hey, Dr. Becker?
Oh, I'm sorry, Linda.
Of course, you haven't had
your turn, have you?
Come on in and tell me
how stupid I am.
I don't think
you're stupid at all.
Actually, I think
it's pretty cool
that you got a motorcycle.
You do?
Sure.
In fact, I understand
why you got it.
When you get to a certain age,
you miss having new things
to be excited about,
a reason to get out of bed
in the morning.
I mean, gee, Dr. Becker,
everybody needs that.
You know, something to make
you feel alive.
'Cause when you
don't have that,
that's when you really get old.
Thanks, Linda.
I, uh...
Thank you.
It's okay.
I hope you feel better.
Mm.
Linda?
I heard what you said.
It was very touching.
Very sweet.
Thanks.
That's what the doctor
said to my grandpa
when he got his new leg.
BECKER:
I heard that!
I heard that!
( upbeat blues theme playing )
What exactly are you doing,
Jake?
Excuse me.
Every once in a while
I like to blend in.
You're a blind man reading
an upside-down
Yiddish newspaper.
Oh, yeah,
you're blending right in.
Quit hocking me.
So, Reg, you know what I heard
this morning on the radio?
Some guy out in Queens
buys a painting for 5 bucks
at a garage sale.
Turns out it's a masterpiece,
and it's worth
a million dollars.
I mean, why couldn't
that happen to us?
Or better yet, to me.
Jake, what are you saying?
You wanna leave all of this?
I'm saying I'd do anything
for a million bucks.
Anything?
Mm-hm.
Would you...eat a bug?
I think I just did.
Give me that.
Oh, it's just a piece of...
parsley.
Well, it's official.
They finally turned New York
into a police state.
I'm driving to work and,
like I do every morning,
when I get to the corner
of White Plains Road
and Lester Avenue,
I turn right.
And I know, I know,
it's a one-way street,
but I only go 25 yards,
then I take a shortcut
down this alley.
Today, some idiot of a cop
is lying in wait for me,
and he tickets me
for an illegal turn,
broken taillight,
no seat belt,
and, oh, yeah,
no rear-view mirror.
I'm going the wrong way
down a one-way street.
There's nothing behind me.
Yeah, and then to add
insult to injury, he--
He busts me
for an expired license.
Says guys my age
should know better.
Can you believe that?
I'd eat dirt
for a million dollars.
Even I would eat dirt
for a million dollars.
Yeah, but how about the dirt
from an old shepherd's sandal
on a hot and sweaty day?
Excuse me, but I'm trying
to alert you to an injustice.
I was abused by the cops,
and now I have to go to the DMV.
Doesn't this mean anything
to you people?
How sweaty a day
are we talking about?
Oh, yeah, fine.
Fine, fine, but when
the goon squad comes
and takes your licenses away,
don't come crying to me.
Uh, John, about me losing
my driver's license--
Oh, you know
what I'm talking about.
( both laughing )
( upbeat blues theme playing )
You're late.
Excuse me?
I always wanted
to say that to him.
First of all, I'm not late.
Secondly, I'm late 'cause
I had to drop my car off
at the mechanic 'cause
some jackbooted thug of a cop
decided it wasn't roadworthy.
I mean, you show me
where it's written
where the-- The back window
has to be made
entirely out of glass.
You know, you--
You can see
perfectly well
through Saran Wrap.
And it makes a pretty sexy
party dress.
I'm just saying.
Well, I sure feel safer knowing
I can cross Lester Avenue
without worrying about you
barreling down it the wrong way.
Oh, come on,
it's only for 25 yards.
BOTH ( imitating ):
"Or else I have to go
around the block."
Well, I do.
Oh, and, uh, I gotta
get out of here by 4:00.
I have to go to the DMV
to renew my license.
You know,
what a pain in the ass.
I have forgotten more
about driving
than most people will ever know.
Well, be sure to tell 'em that.
They will slide you
right through.
I have to take the written test,
the driving test, the eye test.
I renewed my license, and they
didn't make me do all that.
Oh, but I'm young.
What's that supposed
to mean?
It means you're old.
Tony Petrilli is waiting
in Room 1.
He's got some kind
of back "dealie."
"Dealie"?
Linda checked him in.
Well, what's wrong with him?
I don't know. He's got some kind
of whatchamacallit.
You're the doctor.
Figure it out.
Super helpful, Margaret.
So, Tony, I understand you have
some kind of...back thingy.
What'd you do to it?
Well, I've been telling everyone
I did it playing racquetball,
but the truth is, I sneezed.
Huh.
It's so embarrassing.
I guess you gotta expect
that sort of thing
when you get to be our age.
What're you talking about,
"our age"?
You gotta be at least...
Okay, let's take a look
at your back.
Let me know when it hurts.
Oh.
Go figure. I've been riding
a motorcycle for years,
and now I hurt myself sneezing.
I didn't know you had
a motorcycle.
Oh, yeah, it's the best.
It makes me feel
like a kid again.
Old guys like us, we need
something like that, right?
Yeah, speak for yourself.
Hop down here, will you?
I gotta take an x-ray,
see what's going on.
God, I love that motorcycle.
But like everything I enjoy,
my wife's making me
get rid of it.
She says it's too dangerous.
Between her and my grandkids,
they don't shut up about it.
Grandkids?
Wh--? When's your birthday?
January.
Oh, well, there you go.
All right.
( upbeat blues theme playing )
You're next, sir.
"Sir"?
Who are you calling "sir"?
You're either a "sir"
or a "ma'am."
I took a shot.
How--? How--?
How about "buddy" or "pal"?
Yeah, let's take it slow.
We only just met.
Well, I see you practically
aced the written test.
Only nine wrong.
Those are some
damn hard questions.
I mean, "Who has
the right of way
at a four-way stop sign?"
I live in the Bronx.
It's the guy with the gun.
I'll give you that one.
Now read the fifth line
on the eye chart.
Put one hand
over your left eye
and, do me a favor,
the other hand over your mouth.
Uh, E-R-M-A-B.
Wanna go again?
Uh-huh.
Well, let's see--
Uh, U-R-C-N-O.
Is that your final answer?
Yeah, that's my final answer.
Sorry. You wanna try
it with your glasses?
Oh, I-- I don't-- I don't
wear these when I drive.
You do now.
Put them on and read to me.
That's, uh...
H-O--
Oh, close enough.
Step to the red line.
( shutter clicks )
That's great. What, did you
just take my picture?
No, it was the paparazzi.
They must have found out
you were here.
Here's your temporary license.
Will I be getting
a permanent one?
No, they call
it a temporary license
because Irving Temporary
invented it.
Boy, you don't look
your age at all.
Well, thank you very much.
I try to take care of myself.
I guess you could take that
more than one way. Next.
( upbeat blues theme playing )
Hey, come on, Reg, what might
seem exotic in this culture,
well, that could be normal
in another one.
Quit stalling.
Would you or wouldn't you
eat monkey brains
for a million dollars?
Idiots.
Are--? Are we talking
free-range monkeys?
( upbeat blues theme playing )
I'm so happy
to be treated by you
instead of those HMO doctors.
Well, thank you.
You have so much more
experience.
Thank you.
You know...older.
Thank you.
Oh.
LINDA: Oh, that's so cute.
That's the sound my grandpa
makes when he sits down.
I did not make a sound.
Oh.
There it is again.
I forget which look that is.
"Shut up, Linda"
or "Go away, Linda."
Oh, that's not nice at all.
Your mechanic called.
Uh, he's having trouble
finding parts for your car.
Why don't you just
turn that thing into a planter?
Oh, put that look away.
It doesn't work on me.
Heh. Here's your mail.
What is this?
An AARP card?
Is this a conspiracy?
I'm not a retired person.
Why are they sending me
this now?
Oh, actually, you've been
getting them for months.
I usually just throw them away,
but today it just seemed
too delicious to let go.
Yeah, well, throw it away.
You're sure?
You could get 50 cents off
on orange-flavored Metamucil.
Fine.
I'll throw it away.
Ouch. Shoot.
Don't say a word.
( upbeat blues theme playing )
Debbie.
Hi, Dr. Becker.
How are you doing?
Great.
Well, except that I have
to get a flu shot.
Oh, come on.
I hate shots.
Ah, it's no big deal.
It doesn't hurt.
Hey, Dr. Becker, can I ask you
a personal question?
Sure, I guess.
Well, you're divorced, right?
Yeah, twice.
I wanted to make sure
I got it right.
Hee-hee. You are so funny.
( chuckles )
Well, you know,
there's this concert coming up,
and I have a couple of tickets.
Oh, gee.
Well, I think that you should
take my mother.
I mean, you're about
the same age, and she's-- Ouch!
( upbeat blues theme playing )
Her mother's age, my ass.
You know something?
Oh, what the hell, just do it.
Hey, Tony, look,
if you're still serious
about getting rid
of that motorcycle,
I've been giving
it some thought,
and, you know,
damn it, I'll take it.
Uh, John Becker.
Your-- Your doctor.
Yeah, yeah, name your price.
N-name another price.
( upbeat blues theme playing )
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh.
Yeah, yeah.
( knock on door )
What's that?
A helmet.
Please tell me it's because
you've been falling down a lot.
No.
As a matter of fact,
it's because I just bought
Tony Petrilli's motorcycle.
What?
Are you crazy?
You're actually gonna
ride around the city on a bike?
It's not a bike.
A bike has baseball cards
stuck in its spokes.
What I have is a motorcycle.
What you have is a desperate
need to recapture your youth.
Oh, come on, John,
it's such a childish cliché.
Is not.
Look, forget for the moment
that it's pathetic.
Forget for the moment
that you're too old for it.
The fact is, you're a menace
to society on four wheels.
I can't imagine you on two.
Other than hump-busting,
did you come in here
for a reason?
Yes, I came in here to tell you
that the drug rep
from Kennard Pharmaceuticals
is here to see you.
Oh, and I told you,
I don't wanna talk
to those drug company idiots.
Excuse me. Dr. Becker?
Oh, yeah, I'm sorry, miss,
you had to come
all the way down here.
I-I don't have time
to talk to you.
Oh, hey,
you ride a bike?
Well, yeah,
as a matter of fact, I do.
Oh, it's-- It's not a bike.
Thank you.
No, but you just said,
it's not--
Thank you.
( upbeat blues theme playing )
( laughing )
So--? So why don't I give you
that ride sometime?
Well, I'm, uh,
free this weekend.
Oh, great. Well,
I'll give you a call then.
Okay. Great.
Bye.
Bye-bye.
( chuckles )
Oh, aren't you dating
Dr. Carson anymore?
What are you talking about?
She's talking
about you and Liz.
Remember Liz? Pretty, red hair,
for some inexplicable reason
puts up with you?
Wha--? Oh, her?
No, she's not a date.
Oh, come on, you know,
a man and a woman can't go
for a ride in the country
and then have a quiet dinner
without it...
Oh, boy.
Uh, yeah, Margaret,
get me out of it.
But you've gotta admit,
the, uh-- The motorcycle works.
( upbeat blues theme playing )
How about roller-skating through
Central Park naked at midnight?
No.
How about eating a light bulb?
Oh, you know,
I can't believe it.
Are you two idiots
still thinking of things
you'd do for a million bucks?
No, now we're trying
to think of things
stupider than you
buying that motorcycle.
JAKE:
So far we can't.
Oh, I get it.
Yeah, Margaret called
to tell you, huh?
No, Margaret came over here
to tell us.
She wanted to see
the looks on our faces.
JAKE:
You know, I--
I laughed so hard
that for a second
I thought I could see.
( both laughing )
So are you gonna go
the whole route, Becker?
Leather pants, white scarf,
little Village People hat?
( laughs )
Yeah, is it just insults today,
or could I get some coffee
around here?
What? Have we been
too rough on you, Becker?
Oh, that's right,
I keep forgetting.
You're the one
who makes fun of people,
and we're the ones
who get made fun of.
Okay, so we're on the same page.
Come on, Becker, a guy your age
riding a motorcycle?
That's just the kind of cliché
you'd jump all over.
If it were some other guy,
you'd say he was just some
pathetic old fart
tooling around the city
in some sad, desperate attempt
to try to turn back the clock.
That's what you'd say.
But not me.
I'm too nice.
Yeah, right.
You know, you're gonna
be whistling a different tune
when I pull up on it outside.
It'll be, "Ooh, ooh, please,
let me have a ride."
If it's all the same to you,
I like my arms and legs,
oh, I don't know, attached.
Yeah.
So how'd you learn how
to ride this thing anyway?
Did you have one
in college?
Huh?
What are you talking about?
You do know how to ride it,
don't you?
Oh, yeah, sure, of course I do.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I've ridden one all my life.
Nothing to it. Nothing to it.
( upbeat blues theme playing )
Oh, yeah, that's a clutch.
Clutch.
Clutch.
All right, there it is.
What's next?
Uh, gears, yeah.
( horn honks )
Oh, jeez.
A horn.
That's-- That's cool.
( knock on door )
What?
MAN:
It's Alexi, the super.
Do you have a motorcycle
in there?
No.
Hey, what--? What--?
What the hell are you doing?
What is that?
Oh, motorcycle.
Yeah, yeah, how'd you know?
Alexi knows everything
that goes on here.
When it comes to this building,
I am watchful and tough.
Like a bull dyke.
You can't keep that here.
Is dangerous.
Dangerous?
Oh, come--
Hey, hey, you can't come
in here and just help yourself.
Thank you.
Oh, come on, why--? Why don't
you go harass some other tenant?
Like Anita in 8-K?
She's got so many johns
going in and out,
she should put
a turnstile in.
Don't you have a problem
with that?
Yes, she charges
too freaking much.
Come on, you know, I can't
put that on the street.
It'll get ripped off.
Give me a couple of weeks
to find a garage.
Okay.
Who is this for anyway?
Your grandson?
No, it happens to be mine.
( laughs )
You know something?
Just get out of here.
What is this,
midlife crisis?
Get out.
Go and see Anita.
She will make you feel
young again.
Out!
I think I look pretty cool.
( imitating engine )
Oh, yeah, yeah, definitely cool.
( imitating engine )
( upbeat blues theme swells )
Ow!
( upbeat blues theme playing )
Mm-hm.
Morning.
You wanna tell me
what happened?
Not particularly.
You hurt yourself on that
stupid motorcycle, didn't you?
Oh, please, Margaret,
this happened in my apartment.
If you can figure out how
I injured myself on a motorcycle
in my apartment, be my guest.
How about this?
You were sitting on it playing
little vroom-vroom games,
and then it fell over on you
and you hurt your leg.
Your friend
at the Emergency Room
called and told you,
didn't she?
No, she came over.
She wanted to see
the look on my face.
John, please, I'm begging you,
get rid of it.
If you ever actually
get it out of your apartment,
you're gonna kill yourself.
All right, fine.
All right, I'll get rid of it.
But quit nagging me,
will you, Margaret?
John, you can't stop yourself
from getting older.
Yeah, maybe,
but I don't have to like it.
You know, you--
You go through your entire life
seeing yourself a certain way,
and then all of a sudden,
the rest of the world
has a meeting
and decides you've changed.
Next thing you know, you--
You can't read the eye chart,
they're calling you "sir,"
they're setting you up
with their mothers,
and you're making little noises
when you sit down.
Do you have to go
kicking and screaming
through your whole life?
Can't you do anything
gracefully?
All right, fine,
fine, Margaret.
I will age gracefully.
I'll-- I'll buy one of those
little motorized chairs
with the little grocery basket
in the front
and the little dingle bell
on the handlebars.
The way you drive, you might
wanna hold on to that helmet.
Hey, Dr. Becker?
Oh, I'm sorry, Linda.
Of course, you haven't had
your turn, have you?
Come on in and tell me
how stupid I am.
I don't think
you're stupid at all.
Actually, I think
it's pretty cool
that you got a motorcycle.
You do?
Sure.
In fact, I understand
why you got it.
When you get to a certain age,
you miss having new things
to be excited about,
a reason to get out of bed
in the morning.
I mean, gee, Dr. Becker,
everybody needs that.
You know, something to make
you feel alive.
'Cause when you
don't have that,
that's when you really get old.
Thanks, Linda.
I, uh...
Thank you.
It's okay.
I hope you feel better.
Mm.
Linda?
I heard what you said.
It was very touching.
Very sweet.
Thanks.
That's what the doctor
said to my grandpa
when he got his new leg.
BECKER:
I heard that!
I heard that!
( upbeat blues theme playing )