Becker (1998–2004): Season 2, Episode 13 - The Hypocratic Oath - full transcript

( upbeat blues theme playing )

It just took me 20 minutes

to go three blocks.

Some idiot jumps off a building,

so a cop's got traffic
going every which way.

I mean, for God's sake,
if you're gonna kill yourself,

you know, at least have
the decency

to wait until after rush hour.

Where have you been?

I'm out here talking to myself.

Well, it must be nice
to have someone



to agree with you for a change.

Listen, now do me a favor
and keep talking to yourself,

because I have to cram
for a Psychology test.

Psychology, yeah, right.

How hard can it be?

"Hi, you hate your mother.

That'll be a hundred bucks."

As opposed to, "Get lots of rest
and drink plenty of fluids.

That'll be a hundred and fifty?"

Now, if you'll excuse me,

this guy Brad's coming
over to help me study.

He's a Psychology major.

Oh, Brad the Psych major, huh?

Let me guess:
long hair, sandals,



has that pretentious
college kid smirk

you wanna smack
off with a baseball bat?

Geez, Becker,
you've never even met him,

and it's like you pre-hate him.

Saves time.

And just so you know,

the only reason why
he's helping you

is because he wants
to sleep with you.

Now, why would you say
something like that?

He's a college kid.

Basically, that's a penis
with a backpack.

John, oh, I'm glad you're here.

Listen, uh, do you think
you could squeeze me in

for a physical today?

Yeah, I suppose so.
What's wrong?

Uh, I think I might be running
into some health problems.

You see, I met this girl
who's into Astrology, right?

And she told me--
Astrology?

Oh, congratulations, Reg,

Psychology just moved
up a notch.

Becker, Astrology goes back
thousands of years.

Thousands of years ago people
were crapping in their hats.

It's just another
dumb-ass system

created by the tiny-minded

to deal with the complexities
of human life,

because rather than think
for themselves,

it's easier to believe that
our fate is controlled by some

great apocalyptic voodoo monkey
in the sky.

( sighs )

See what you did?

All I know is that there's
a lot of bad juju out there,

and I can't quite see it coming.

Are you gonna help me or not?

Fine.

Come by around noon.
Okay.

That's when the Sun God Ra

has pulled his chariot
halfway across the sky.

( upbeat blues theme playing )

( upbeat blues theme playing )

Okay, we only have
a few appointments,

so it should be pretty quiet.

Yes, Margaret.

And you know Walter Jackson
is waiting in Room One.

Yes, Margaret.

And the supplies are coming
in later this morning, right?

Yes, yes, and yes, Margaret.

God, you don't have to tell me
everything like a million times.

Did you call the locksmith
to fix the bathroom door?

Well, if you'd leave already,
maybe I could get around to it.

Come on, the lawyer said

you have to be in his office
exactly at 10.

I just don't feel
right about this.

Evelyn Crane was just a patient
I got friendly with.

Why would she mention
me in her will?

Who cares?

The important thing is you were
nice to someone,

and lucky you, they died.

Think about it,

you could come back rich.

If I can come back rich,
I'm not coming back.

Walter, nice to see you again.

New shoes?

The left one.

Okay.

So how are you feeling?

Good, but that's the problem.

I read this article about people
who can't feel pain,

and I've been feeling
fine lately,

so it got me thinking,

what if I'm one of those people?

I mean, I could
be in excruciating pain

right now and not even know it.

Walter,

that condition's called
hyposensitivity,

and I seriously doubt
if you have it.

Well, I-I'd like
to know for sure.

Isn't there some kind
of test you can run?

Oh, boy.

Ow.

Oh, thank God.

Always nice to see you, Walter.

Oh, but what if I do
get that disease?

How will I know?

All right, here.

Home test kit.

Hi.

Adler's Medical Supply.

You want 'em all right here?

No, no, why don't you leave
the truck outside

for a couple months?

If I want anything,
I'll just go out and get it.

Okay, smart-ass.

Linda, I'm gonna go to lunch.

Oh, did, uh, Margaret remember
to call a locksmith?

Oh, uh, she must have forgotten.

You know what I always say,

if you want something done
right, do it yourself.

Oh, you want me to do it?

I'll get right on it.

Okay, oh.

Locksmith, locksmith,
lava lamps.

Ooh, I've been looking
for one of those.

( upbeat blues theme playing )

Sorry to keep
you waiting, Ms. Wyborn.

Evelyn's sister just arrived,
so we can begin.

I didn't know she had a sister.

Okay, let's do this.

I gotta catch a shuttle
to Atlantic City,

and if I'm late for that buffet,

all those old cockers
gum down all the shrimp.

Oh, my God, you look--

Exactly like Evelyn.

Well, we were identical twins,

so that's the very
first time I ever heard that.

Who are you?

Uh, this is Margaret Wyborn.

Your sister mentioned
her in the will.

I'm very sorry for your loss.

Well, I haven't lost
anything yet.

Let's hear the will first.

Actually, there won't
be a reading as such.

Ms. Crane recorded
her final wishes on tape.

That's my sister.

Even in death she's
a colossal pain in the ass.

Must run in the family.

Approaching the end
of one's life

brings back waves
of poignant memories.

But where to begin?

How's about where you die
and divvy up your stuff?

Why not at the beginning?

They say the day I was born
was the hottest day in July...

Oh, God.

Well, I guess you can kiss
those shrimp goodbye.

( blues theme playing )

Hey, Reg.

Well, the really classy places
have lobsters in a tank.

I suppose rats in a box
could catch on.

Did you want something?

I was gonna have a burger,

but let's just say coffee
and a muffin, definitely to go.

( register rings )

I'll be right back.

I can't believe
in this day and age

they're still using rats
to study Psychology.

If you want to learn
about people, use people.

I mean, we got a city full
of the homeless

and a lot of subway tunnels.

So who's the kid?

That's Brad, my study partner.

That's Brad?

Oh, come on, Reg,
he's an embryo.

Don't start.

And by the way, you couldn't
have been more wrong about him.

You said he'd hit on me,

and he's been
a perfect gentleman.

Well, of course he's not
interested in you.

You are a little-- What's
the word I'm looking for here,

oh, yeah, old.

What did you say?

Sorry, Grandma.

I said you're a little--

I am not too old.

Boys his age fantasize about
women like me, women that are--

Old?
No.

Mature?
No.

Seasoned?
No.

Experienced?
No.

Been around the block?
No.

Sophisticated.
( chuckles )

Yeah, that's it.

By the way, you have
a little hamburger

stuck in your hair there.

He doesn't think I'm too old.

If I paid him the slightest
bit of attention,

he'd be following
me around like a puppy dog.

That's because you still have
a little hamburger there.

Chat's over. Here's your food.

If you don't say another word,
it's on the house.

Way too old for him.

( upbeat blues theme playing )

Oh, Linda, can I see you
for a second, please?

Uh, okay.

Well, where are you?

Over here.

Where?

I'm over here.

Well, where the--
Meet me in the kitchen.

Okay,

here's the thing:

there was a slight mix-up
in our supply order.

Twenty-thousand syringes?

That was supposed to be 200.

Fifty-thousand
tongue depressors?

That was supposed to be 500.

See, those aren't zeros.

I was doodling, and I guess
my little moon faces

looked like zeros to them
when I faxed it in.

Why didn't you tell
the delivery idiot

just to take it all away?

MAN ( behind door ):
I heard that.

Okay, here's the other thing.

Before the delivery guy left,

he used the bathroom,
and the lock got stuck.

So even if he did want
to take it away,

which he didn't because you
pissed him off, he couldn't.

So in a way this
is kind of your fault.

Did you call the locksmith?

Why does everyone keep
asking me that?

I'm not incompetent.
Did you?

Well, I was about
to when you came in.

MAN:
Hey, get me outta here.

I'm behind in my route,
and I missed lunch.

How about I slip 2000
pizzas under the door?

MAN:
You can see, but I'm making
a gesture in here.

Hey, the lights just went out.

Sorry. I'll get right on it.

BRAD:
The rat and the maze serve
as a behavioral model

for a man and his world.

What is it with men and models?

You know, I used to be a model.

Oh, I wasn't talking
about that kind of model.

I meant a model for society.

You know, a paradigm?

Boy, you're lucky
I'm helping you.

Uh, anyway, when the rat's

environment is no longer stable,
his behavior

becomes unpredictable.

BECKER:
What do you mean,

the locksmith will be here
when he "gets around to it?"

This is an emergency.

Am I the only one
in this neighborhood

who remembers that we're all
here to help each other?

Doctor Becker.

Oh, what now?

It's Theresa Campbell.
I need your help. Where are you?

Oh, over here.

What-- What happened?

Jimmy hit Sean with
his hockey stick

and cut his cheek.
Don't you kids ever

do this kind of stuff
on weekends?

The cut's not that bad.

Go on back to Room One.

Linda, I need Betadine,
gauze, and butterfly bandages.

Okay, here's the thing--

No, no, no more things.

Don't-don't tell me you didn't
order any bandages.

I ordered 10,000.

I'm just not sure
where they are.

Well, here's an idea: look.

( upbeat blues theme playing )

That summer we all went
to the beach.

Mother said if you would hold
a shell up to your ear,

you could hear the ocean.

( coughs )

For a woman with emphysema,
she sure talks a lot.

Excuse me,
I know I'm not family--

No.

...and at night we'd sit
on the porch

and look up at the sky...

But I think Evelyn was sweet.

So is a jelly donut.

Did you ever try
talking to one?

You are being very rude.

Hey, I put up with her boring
stories all my life.

What'd you do,
give her a mint on the bus?

I wish somebody would
give you a mint.

( upbeat blues theme playing )

So operant conditioning is just
getting the rat to perform

a desired behavior.

If you want him to run the maze,

put some cheese at the end.

( laughs )

What?

Oh, I'm sorry.
I was just thinking about

this movie that just came out.

It's supposed
to be really funny,

and I'd just love to see it.

Well, if we get done
studying early enough,

you could still catch it.

Oh.

Oh, Reggie, uh,

could I ask you something?

I-I feel kind of awkward
bringing this up

because I know I'm supposed
to be tutoring you, but--

Oh, no, Brad,
you can ask me anything.

I mean, absolutely anything.

In fact, I've sort
of been expecting it.

So I wouldn't be out of line

if I asked you to make
me an egg salad sandwich?

Damn Becker.

Hey, Reg, I know it's none
of my business, but, uh,

this Brad guy sounds
a little young for--

He's not that young.

Could you cut the crusts
off my sandwich?

Crusts off. You got it.

( chuckles )

Now, listen, I gotta run
to Becker's for my physical.

You two have fun.

Hey, Reg, you know how women

are always trying
to change guys?

Well, now you got one that will
probably need changing

every couple hours.

( laughs )

REGGIE:
Brad,

do you just want the sandwich,

or can I give you a little
something on the side?

No, just the sandwich.

Now, this is fascinating.

I removed the cheese
from the maze,

and it upset his entire
sense of reality.

It's like his whole world has
descended into total chaos.

BECKER:
Jimmy.

Jimmy. Knock this off.

THERESA:
Sean, come back here.

That's a real skeleton, Jimmy.

Put that-- Jimmy,
that is not a toy.

( phone ringing )

Sean, let the doctor
make you better

or Mommy's gonna kill you.
Sean--

Where are the bandages?

I'm trying to find them.

Is the electrician here yet?

No, not yet.

So are you gonna be able
to open the door or not?

I'm working on it.
It's rusted.

Yeah, what is this?
National Incompetence Day?

Linda, would you answer
the damn phone.

Oh, all right.

Hello, damn doctor's office.

Yes, I do want to buy
a lava lamp,

but I don't have time right now.

Oh, Doctor Becker,
I've got Sean in the exam room,

but now Jimmy's missing.

Don't lose Sean.
Help us find Jimmy, will you?

Ow. Geez, I just
smashed my hand.

Oh, why does everything
happen to me?

All right, now, does that hurt?
Ow. Geez.

All right, all right,
second door on the right.

I'll take some x-rays.

Damn it!
I can't function like this.

I-I need Margaret.

Where's Margaret?

( snoring )

And then for my 17th birthday,

Father hosted a garden party.

And that was the night
he gave me

my first sip of champagne.

I am starting to think this
woman bored herself to death.

I'm outta here.

Everyone went to bed
early that night,

except for me and my sister's
fiancée, Charlie.

That's the night
I lost my virginity.

Well, I'm not
in that big of a hurry.

It was the beginning
of an affair

that lasted 45 years.

Even after Charlie's marriage
to my sister Edith.

Hello.

Every chance we got,
we snuck out to a motel.

I would put on outfits

and Charlie would spank me

and call me his "little whore."

( laughs )

We could have married,

but the thrill of our affair
was too delicious

to ruin with the drudgery
of marriage.

That, I left to Edith.

And that's all I left her.

( laughs )

Hey, Drucilla.

What?

You might want to watch this.

It really picks up near the end.

I put on outfits
and Charlie would spank me...

Huh?

and call me his "little whore."

( upbeat blues theme playing )

Anyway, when the rats
finally accept

that there will never
be any cheese

at the end of the maze, it's--

What are you, gay?

What?

We have spent
the entire day together

and all we've talked
about is rats.

Don't you find me attractive?

Well, yes, sure I do.

Then did it occur to you
at some point to ask me out?

Yeah, especially a while ago

when you were pressing
your breast against my arm.

Then why didn't you?

Well, I was nervous.

Now, now, there's no reason
to be nervous.

Go ahead, give it a shot.

Wow. Okay.

So do you want to go out?

Is that a yes?

No.

But thank you for asking.

What?

Oh, this is so great.
Becker was so wrong.

I am so not too old for you.

Then why don't you wanna--?

Okay, enough fooling around.
Let's get back to the rats.

Okay.

Uh, uh, well, when there's
no cheese in the maze, the--

Are you sure you don't wanna--?

Come on, rat boy,
I've got a test to take.

Okay.

Uh, well, it's at this point

that the rats really begin
to turn on each other.

THERESA:
Get back here.

Linda, help Theresa
catch her kids.

And find me those damn bandages.

Well, what about the kids?

First do what I tell you,
then do what I told you.

You know, yelling
doesn't solve anything.

Oh, yes, it does.

It makes me feel better.

( phone ringing )

MAN:
Come on, get me outta here.

Shut up! I'm working' on it.

THERESA:
Sean, get over here?
I'm not kidding now.

Where am I?

LINDA:
Call back.

Is this Doctor Becker's office?

Uh, Jake, over here.
Go on down to the exam room.

Second door on the left.

I told you
that's not a toy.

Got it.
Ow.

Ow.

You broke my nose!
You broke my nose.

Whoa!

( fire alarm ringing )

( Theresa yelling at kids )

Oh, I hate when I do that.

Fire!

Fire! Everybody out!

Every-- Oh!

( upbeat blues theme swells )

( upbeat blues theme playing )

Oh, come on,
just because you hear an alarm,

does that mean you have
to come racing over?

Okay, all right, it does.

Thank you, Doctor Becker.

Yeah, Theresa,
let me ask you something.

What in the world would make you
decide to have all those kids?

The key word here is "decide."

Uh, gotcha.

Sorry about the fire alarm.

Oh, don't worry about it.

It's been one of those days.

Look, you're fine, Jake.

Just don't listen to anymore
of that astrology crap.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

Although I am an Aries,

and she did say that
that's a fire sign--

Oh, get out.
Go on.

You won't believe
what happened to me today.

I sat in that lawyer's
office for hours.

You know what that
old lady left me?

A videotape of her life story.

I swear, if I ever--

What the hell happened here?

Okay, here's the thing...

( upbeat blues theme swells )

( upbeat blues theme playing )