Becker (1998–2004): Season 2, Episode 10 - Pain in the Aspirin - full transcript

( upbeat blues theme playing )

( knock on door )

I told you in the lobby,

I didn't steal
your stupid Newsweek.

It's Liz.

Oh, hey, come on in,

it's open.

Hey,

I was about to call
Ming's Palace.

What--? What do you want?

Uh, Lo mein or Mu shu?



No way. No more take-out.

Even Chinese cannibals
don't eat this much Chinese.

Tonight, I'm cooking.

Can you cook Chinese?

I'm making gazpacho.

You can use chopsticks
if you want to.

Oh.

So how was your day?

What?

Oh, yeah.

Catch me,

I'm weak in the knees.

Well, you know.

Well, I'm just gonna go
freshen up,



and I'll get dinner started
in a minute.

All right, all right.

Driver's license,

Oh, boy, glad I didn't see
that picture first.

National Organization for Women
has a credit card?

For what, shoes?

John?

Yeah?

There's, uh, wine in there
if you wanna open it.

Okay.

Huh.

Aspirin.

LifeSavers.

Pepper spray?

Huh.

Must have come
with that credit card.

( door opens )

Did you open it?

What?

Uh, I didn't--
I didn't open anything.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I probably
shouldn't have asked you.

Probably hard with your shoulder
and everything, huh?

How is it?

What? Oh, a little stiff,
actually.

You know something?

Maybe I should take
a couple of aspirins.

You want to, uh--?
Want to give me some?

Oh, I'm sorry.
I don't have any aspirin.

Really?

You're not gonna
believe this.

Last night
I'm with Liz, right,

my shoulder's hurting,

and-- And I ask her
for a couple of aspirin,

which I happen to know
she has in her purse.

She lies to me and tells me
she doesn't have any.

You haven't been here
for two weeks.

No hello?

No nothing?

Hello.

Does that do it for you?

Hello. There's one
for you too,

so don't you start
bitching.

You know, the amazing thing
isn't that you got shot.

It's that you don't
get shot more often.

BECKER:
Just try to focus,
will you, please?

The amazing thing is that
Liz didn't give me any aspirin.

And I knew for a fact
she had aspirin in her purse.

How did you know
she had aspirin in her purse?

That's not important.

See, the point is--

Wait, wait,
wait a minute.

How did you know?

You snooped in her purse,
didn't you?

What? No, no, I did not
snoop through her purse.

The purse was sitting
on my counter.

It was wide open,
and I happened to notice

a-- A tin of aspirin.

Oh, so it was right on top?

It was near the top.

So you had to move stuff
out of the way to see it?

All right, fine,
it was right on the top.

Look, anyway,
here's what's bothering me--

Becker, don't you see
how dishonest this is?

Exactly.

How can I trust someone

who would lie to me
about aspirin?

How can she trust someone

who's gonna
snoop through her purse?

She makes a good point.

Oh, you know, why do I even
bother talking to you people?

Just give me some coffee,
will you?

How do you know
I have coffee?

Oh, shut up.
Ha-ha!

You know, make that coffee
to go, as a matter of fact.

I always make it to go.

Now go.

( laughing )

( blues theme playing )

( blues theme playing )

Greetings, riffraff.

Headlights.

Deadlights.

So Bob just came from
a settlement conference

with the soon-to-be
ex-wife.

It worked out well.

We did a fifty-fifty split.

She gets to live
inside the house,

and I get to live outside.

I don't even know your ex-wife,
Bob, but I really like her.

Bottom line,

this wrinkled little thing

is all Bob has left
in the whole world.

Oh, please tell me
he's holding up money.

Yup, my last dollar.

Ah, but I guess
things could be worse.

At least I'm better off
than old View-Master here.

Bob, lay off Jake.

Every time you're in here,
you call him View-Master,

Dead Lights,
Blinky, Hawkeye,

Specs,
Little Stevie--

Okay, Reg,
you made your point.

Hey, it's all right.

Bob's going through
a rough time.

Poor guy's down
to a lousy dollar.

What can you buy
for a buck?

Well, except for maybe
dreams.

What're you talking about?

Oh, nothing.
You know what,

this is
none of my business.

No, no, Bob is intrigued.
Tell me more.

Just that, if it were me, I--

I'd be tempted
to go buy a lotto scratcher,

try and change my luck.

Hey, what've I got to lose?
I'll give it a try.

Here,
knock yourself out.

You carry them on you?

Well, I keep one in my pocket

just to pick stuff
out of my teeth.

BOB:
Hey.

Bob won 20 bucks.
What?

All right.

This'll buy
three new dress shirts

and a half a pound
of faux crabmeat.

Well, if that's
all you need in life, fine.

I mean, but the grand prize
is $50,000.

( chuckles )

Now that's
life-changing money.

Fifty grand?

You're right.

It could be
a whole new beginning.

Give me 20 more tickets.

Coming right up.

( chuckles )

Hey, thanks for
looking out for me.

Well, you know,
as best you can.

Jake, what are you doing?

You hate that
little grease stain.

Besides, no one
ever wins those things.

It's just an excuse
to get pathetic losers

to blow
their life savings.

You know, okay,
you may win a little,

but eventually you--

( chuckling )

Oh, you're evil.

Look, I'm gonna
make him think

that there's a light
at the end of the tunnel.

Then I'm gonna be the train
coming the other way. Heh-heh!

( blues theme playing )

Margaret, don't
just stand there.

We have to get
everything ready for the party.

Dr. Becker's
coming back today.

Believe me, the party's over.

Don't worry,
I won't make a big deal.

Here, put this on.

And here's
your noisemaker.

Now come over here
and help me move the piano.

Linda, we are not
having a party.

He would hate that.

Well, maybe Dr. Becker's
not so crabby anymore.

After all,
he was shot.

That changes a person.

It's like
in those old movies

where the meanest,
nastiest, grumpiest,

most stick-up-his-butt
guy in town

has a brush with death

and suddenly turns nice.

Oh, uh,

I was talking about somebody
else with a stick up his butt.

Welcome back.

John, welcome back.

How are you feeling?

Get this.

Last night Liz lied to me about
having aspirin in her purse

'cause she didn't wanna
give me any.

What do you think
of that?

How did you know
she had aspirin in her purse?

Wh-- Why--?
Why does everybody

keep missing the point
of this story?

You snooped through her purse,
didn't you?

No, I did not.

Look, this is not
about snooping.

This is about
being honest,

which Liz wasn't when she
lied to me about the aspirin.

Mm-hm.
Oh, you know--

Anyway, I want this
to be an easy day for you,

so I cut back
on your appointments.

Now, if you need
anything at all,

you just ask me because
I don't want you to have to--

Margaret, Margaret,
I'm fine.

You know, don't worry.
I can take care of myself.

Help me take this off,
will you?

All right.

But just make sure
that you change your bandage

every three hours.

Yes, Mother.

Now, you wanna burp me,

or can I see
my first patient?

Oh, all right.
Noel Flecklin is in One,

and from what he said,
it's just simple dermatitis.

I'm sure he only needs
cortisone cream.

Thank you for
your diagnosis, doctor.

Now, if you don't mind,
I'll look for myself.

Oh, jeez, Mr. Flecklin,

you're-- You're naked.

Why?

I got a little rash.

I thought you might wanna
take a look at it.

Well I don't really
have much of a choice

at this point, do I?

You know, we got--

We got paper gowns
for just such an occasion.

Hell, we-- We got lead goggles
for just such an occasion.

Hey, I got nothing
to be ashamed of.

You know, the human body's
a beautiful thing.

Oh, well, some are,
some aren't.

All right, you wanna show me
where this rash of yours is?

Yeah, it's right here.

Aw, jeez.

So, what do you think I got?

No regard whatsoever
for your fellow man.

You know, put--
Put your leg down.

( blues theme playing )

Here's where I'm at.

Liz didn't want me
to have any of her aspirin.

Why?

Why? You know,

is she selfish?
Is she a liar?

Is this some kind
of mind game?

Damn it, things
were going so well,

and now this--
This aspirin thing.

Well, maybe
she's hoarding aspirin

because to go out with you,

she needs all the aspirin
she can get.

Or here's a crazy thought:

Maybe she simply forgot
she had aspirin in her purse.

It's an intriguing theory.

I'm gonna check that out.

I'll get back to you.

I'll be on the edge of my seat.

Hey, Gulliver, I'm trying
to get in. You mind?

Yeah, not so much now
that I'm getting out.

So, Jake, you know
those tickets you sold me?

I sure do.

Well, I won 100 bucks.

Oh, I'm sorry, Bob,
you can't win-- What?

Just like you said,
Bob's luck is changing.

Now pay up.

Oh, wait a minute.
R-Reg, is this true?

Ugh, afraid so.

He got three Giulianis.

Hey, that's cool, Bob.
I mean,

not that 100 bucks'll
change your life,

but it is
an opportunity

to invest
in 100 more chances

to win the big money.

The really big
life-changing money.

( chuckling mischievously )

( blues theme playing )

What are you doing?

Huh? Oh, I'm just
cleaning out my wallet.

It's amazing all the junk
you accumulate.

I mean,

I got stuff in here
I never use.

Like money?

( chuckles )

No, I mean, oh, like this.

Yeah, I got a coupon
for free yogurt.

Expired a year ago.

Dry-cleaning receipts.

I completely forgot
I had that.

Has that ever happened
to you?

You know,
do you ever, uh...?

Do you ever forget
you have stuff in,

I don't know,

your purse?

Never.

I know everything
in my purse.

Everything.

Really?

( blues theme playing )

( blues theme playing )

Well, why would you
say that?

I-- I was not snooping
in her purse.

And, anyway, the--
The point is,

if she knows every single thing
that's in her purse,

why didn't she give me
the aspirin?

Right.

Is it okay
if I use your bathroom?

What? Oh, yeah.

It's in there.

John, you are getting
too worked up about this.

It can't be good
for your blood pressure.

I mean, after all,
you are still recuperating.

Margaret, I'm fine.
Well, just the same,

I moved some appointments around
for you this afternoon

so that you can have
an hour to relax.

Oh, good.

Give me some time
to sort out this aspirin thing.

No, I meant if you wanna
take a rest.

Margaret, will you
stop, please?

I don't need a nanny.

Will you quit hovering around me
like one of those--?

Come on, help me here.
Wh-- What hovers?

Oh, just forget it.

Fine.

Oh, good, Linda,
I'm glad you're here.

You are?

Yeah, yeah.

I wanna
ask you something.

It has--
Has to do with aspirin.

I'm allergic to aspirin.

It-- That doesn't matter.

It could be anything.

It could be, uh, oranges.

It could be cars.
It doesn't matter.

Hm, let me think.

What could be aspirin,
oranges or cars?

It-- It doesn't matter.

( laughs )

I get it.

Okay, I have one
for you now.

What has two legs
but can't walk?

Oh.
Has two eyes but can't see?

It's a potato!

No, that's not right.

( blues theme playing )

Damn. I'm a loser.

We know that, Bob.
How's the lottery going?

What was Bob thinking?
The lottery's a fool's game.

Jake, I-I wanna turn in
the rest of these tickets

and get my money back.

Hey, come on, Bob,
your eye's on the prize.

I mean, 50 G's.

That's financial security,

a-- A big gold ring that says
"Bob" across three fingers or--

Or, who knows,
maybe even a place to live.

Yeah.

A big gold ring.

Forget what I said.

I can do this.
All right.

Well, Reg,
you were wrong.

She didn't forget
she had any aspirin.

She told me she knows
every single thing

that's in her purse.

Did she know
you were in her purse?

Ah, don't-- Don't-- Don't try
and change the subject.

You know what I think?

I think you're trying
to sabotage this relationship.

Because for the first time
in years,

you've realized you're
growing close to someone,

and it scares you to death.

So you're trying
to create a problem

where there isn't a problem.
That's what I think.

Boy, two months of Psych 101,

and it's Vienna all over again.

You know what?
Forget it.

Here, aspirin.

A lifetime supply.

Why would you buy
this much aspirin?

Well, when you're here,

I give them out
instead of mints.

Oh, my God.

Bob won! Bob won!

Again? Oh, what--?
What'd you get this time, Bob?

Twenty bucks? Fifty bucks?

Ten grand!
( everyone cheering )

JAKE:
Liar.

No, it's true. And it's all
thanks to you, man.

No, it can't be.

Hey, some schmuck wins
every minute.

This time it's Bob.

Hold on, Bob.

Ten thousand dollars?

Is that really
life-changing money?

Ha, not this time,
LensCrafter.

Bob's going to quit
while he's ahead.

He's a very happy man.

Boy, if my ex-wife
knew about this,

it would kill her.

God, I hope she's home.

( blues theme playing )

How could Reggie say

I'm not capable of having
a relationship with a woman?

I mean,
can you believe that?

Me. I've been married
and divorced twice.

Doesn't that say something?

You're right.

Everybody else in the world
is wrong.

Is that the answer
you're looking for?

Well, it happens
to be the right answer,

but I don't think it's coming
from the right place.

Whatever you say.

It's time for you to take
your antibiotics.

I'll take them
when I'm ready.

It says "four times daily,"
and you already missed--

You know, Margaret,
I've got one woman in my life

who won't give me
any pills,

and the other one's trying
to shove them down my throat.

Something's wrong.
I can tell.

Ever since you got back,

all you've done
is babble about aspirin.

Meanwhile, I have done
everything I can

to try and make things
easier for you,

but you treat me like I am just
one more annoyance in your life.

Look, Margaret--
You were shot, John.

You could have died.

And you act like nothing
even happened.

Look, I'm trying
not to dwell on it.

I wanna put all that behind me.

Well, I can't.

Why is it when people
try to get close to you,

all you do is push them away?

God knows why,
but I care about you.

Margaret, you--
You know that I...

Well, I mean, we-- We...

What was that?
You care about me too?

Well, you-- You know.

And you appreciate
the things I do for you?

And maybe you even need me?

That's good.

And over the years

you've grown to feel a true
and lasting affection for me?

Yeah, all that.

Thank you.

( blues theme playing )

( door opens, closes )

Hey, guys.

Becker, if the word "aspirin"
comes out of your mouth,

you're gonna eat this sponge.

Oh, no, don't worry, I'm--
I'm completely over that.

Yeah, it's been recently
brought to my attention

that when it
comes to relationships,

my priorities might be
a little out of whack.

Excuse me, but I'm the one
who told you that.

Oh, come on, Reg,
don't be so self-absorbed.

This is about me.

Bob is depressed.

Yeah, well, don't--
Don't ask her for help.

She hasn't been right yet.

Turns out since Bob's ex
isn't his ex yet,

she's staking her claim

to half of Bob's
lottery winnings.

Oh, don't bitch.
You still got five grand.

Yeah, but all that's going
to Bob's creditors and the IRS.

All Bob has left
are his good looks.

Well, at least
you've got your health.

Not even.

Turns out Bob's allergic

to the coating
on the lottery tickets.

Painful rash.

Now you know why
they're called scratchers.

So Bob itches, Bob's broke,

and he's got $200
in medical bills.

Bob is screwed.
And not in a good way.

Jake is back.

( blues theme playing )

Hi there.

( sighs )

You didn't have to tell me
this time.

Thanks.

Yeah.

( sighs )

It's good
to finally be here.

My day sucked.

Oh, really? I'm sorry.
Oh, it's okay.

Hey, if-- If you don't wanna
go to a movie,

we can stay here.

Oh, that's okay, it's okay.
I'll be fine.

I just have
a little headache.

Could you get me some water?

For what?

I'm gonna take an aspirin.

You-- You're gonna take
my aspirin?

Yeah, is that a problem?

Are you out of your mind?!

Excuse me?

A couple of nights ago,

I asked you point-blank

whether or not you had
any aspirin in your purse,

and you said no!

I don't have any aspirin
in my purse.

Oh, yeah?

What do you call this?

An aspirin tin.

Exactly. And what's in it?

Allergy pills.

What?

I keep them in there

because it's a perfect size
for my purse.

Oh.

Okay, well, then let me
just get you that water.

Oh, John?

Yeah?

How'd you know
what was in my purse?

Oh, let's not go off on
all kinds of tangents here.

You went through my things.

Li-- It wasn't as bad
as it sounds.

See, what--
What happened is you--

Wait a minute,
wait a minute.

You went straight to my file
cabinet to get the aspirin.

How do you know
I keep it there?

Well, that's where you keep
all of your medicine.

How do you know
where I keep my medicine?

Well, the other day
I was looking for something--

You were snooping.

You know what?

We're gonna be late
for that movie.

No, no, come on,
don't change the subject here.

What were you
looking for?

You looked through
my purse.

I looked through
your drawers.

Let's just, uh, say we're both
a little screwed up

and call it even.

Yeah, well,

I don't know about even.

I think you're a little more
screwed up than I am, you know.

I'm not the one who has therapy
every Tuesday morning.

You read my datebook?

Oh, look what time
it is.

We're gonna miss previews...

( blues theme playing )

( upbeat blues theme playing )