Becker (1998–2004): Season 2, Episode 1 - Point of Contact - full transcript

( upbeat blues theme playing )

Jake,
you can stop worrying

about the decline
of civilization.

It's officially hit bottom.

You know, once again, the--

The knuckle-dragging boobs

of this country have allowed
themselves to be led

to slaughter by the hideous
forces of evil.

Hey, come on, John,
you promised me.

You promised me
you'd stop watching Oprah.

It's not Oprah,
not this time.



But I got my eye on her.

You know that-- That burned-out
building down the block?

Uh, this is the Bronx, John.

You're gonna have to be
a little bit more specific.

Sorry. The one-- The one
that used to be the library.

Guess what they're
putting in there now.

Just what this neighborhood
needs: another one of those

schmuck-achino coffee places
with the gourmet beans

from every Third World nation
on Earth.

I mean, what the hell

is Ugandan Blend?

Yeah, I'm sure there's nothing
those people like better

with their three grains
of rice

than a non-fat,
half-caf latte.



Wow, that new coffee place
is great.

You?

You actually patronize
a place called

"Living La Vida Mocha?"

Hey, for a few minutes
I get to be a yuppie,

like everyone else.

Keep reaching for the stars,
baby.

Hey, Becker, we decided
where you're taking us

to dinner on Friday night.

Dinner?
You lost the bet.

Oh, come on,
that wasn't a real bet.

It was too.

You said there was a Betty
in the Flintstone vitamins,

and there isn't.

What-- What I said
was that I didn't care,

but then when you continued
the idiotic conversation,

I merely pointed out
that it'd be stupid for them

to make Flintstone vitamins
and not include Betty.

And then you made a bet,
and then you lost.

Oh.
Told you there was no Betty.

How would you
know that anyway?

Well, see, John, each character
has its own distinctive taste,

and believe me,
if I'd had Betty,

I think I'd have known.

You lead a very sad life,
don't you?

Well, let's think about this.

I had sex last night.

I'm getting free dinner
on Friday night.

( chuckles ):
Where's the bad? Heh.

Shut up, will you?

( upbeat blues theme swells )

( upbeat blues theme playing )

Greetings, losers.

Oh.
Oh.
Oh.

That's right, Bob is back.

Hey, Slim, uh,
let me see your muffins.

Bob, I'm gonna take
that tongue of yours

and wrap it around your neck.

No, I'm really
talking about muffins,

but I'll take a rain check
on that tongue thing.

Let me get, uh, two of those
and two of those. And hurry up.

Bob's got a lot of ground
to cover today.

Well, if it would help,

one of us could drop
you from a plane.

You know, people who live
in dark glasses

shouldn't throw stones.

Get a move-on, Spindles.
I've got a lot of calls to make.

Oh, and by the way,
I'm giving you plenty of notice.

Don't make plans for Halloween.

You and I can play
my favorite game:

"Bobbing for Bob."

Hey, come on.
I'm trying to eat here.

Hey, uh, I hope you
can break a 50.

Bob never carries anything
smaller than a-- Hold on.

How awkward.

Bob seems to have left his
wallet in his other pants.

You have other pants,
and you wear those?

I'll tell you what.

I'll write you a check.

Uh, no checks. I've been burned
by deadbeats before.

Deadbeat? No one's ever
questioned Bob's integrity.

I mean, I come from a long line
of honorable businessmen.

My great-grandfather opened
the first Amish whorehouse.

Those girls are great.
They got no buttons.

All right, I'll take a check
if it'll make you shut up.

There's a $1 processing fee.

That's 5 bucks even.

( choking )
Processing fee? Some scam.

( choking )
Whatever happened to trust?

Whatever happened
to compassion?

Hey, Hacky-Sack, do you mind?

We're talking.

Shut up, will you, Bob?
She's choking.

( choking )
Can you speak?

Well, I'm a doctor.
I'm gonna give you a hand here.

( coughs )

Oh.

My, my--
I couldn't breathe. I--

Don't try to say anything
right now.

Just-- Just sit still
for a second.

Here we go.
Here, that should help.

Oh, thank you.

Hey, lady, little tip.

Cut it, chew it, swallow it.

We've been doing
it for years.

Oh, I'm much better.

Thank you so much.

Well, you're very welcome.

Uh, Reg, see you at lunch.

Oh, wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait.

You-- You-- You--
You saved my life.

I-I don't know
how to thank you.

Oh, really, that's, uh--
That's okay.

Well, I'll never forget
what you've done.

No problem.
You're-- You're welcome.

Oh, e-e-ever.

Okay.

Um...

I'm-- I'm gonna go now.

Bye-bye.

And don't worry about the check.
It's on the house.

Oh, you're very kind.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on.

She hocks up a bagel
and it's on the house?

While Bob, a loyal customer,

can't get 5 lousy kopecks
on the cuff?

Just pay up and get out.

I've never seen a check
with a-- Is that a woman?

It's three women. And a donkey.

Look, when you flip it,
they move.

( upbeat blues theme playing )

You're late.

Now, Margaret, before you say
anything, I know I'm late.

It's kind of your fault.

Last night I went out
with that guy from your church

that you fixed me up with.

Russ?
Isn't he wonderful?

How did it go?
Great.

While I was ditching him,
I met this really cool guy.

Russ is cool.

Russ is gay.

Anyways, this new guy
took me to a club,

and we danced all night.

Oh, so you overslept?

No, the windows in his place
were boarded up,

so I didn't know it was morning.

Morning.

Yeah, only for a few
more minutes.

Hi. Can I help you?

Oh, yes.

I was just wondering
if Dr. Becker--

Oh, there he is.

He saved my life.

Yes, I heard about that.

Hi, Dr. Becker.

Yeah, hi, uh-- Sorry.

Uh, K-Katherine.

Right. Katherine.

I asked that lady at the diner
where I might find you.

So, what do you want?

Oh, I baked you some cookies.

Ah.

There's, uh-- There's, uh--

There's oatmeal--
Yeah.

--and tollhouse and, uh,
a few snickerdoodles

because those are my favorite.

I hope you like them too.

Oh, I'm--
I'm sure they'll be fine.

Oh, yes, look, they--
They have Xs on them

made out of raisins. Heh.

Those are crosses.

So they are.

Why?

Oh, because the good Lord Jesus
sent you to me.

Uh, yeah, he-- He rocks.

Thank you, Dr. Becker.

Mm.

Oh, and thank God.

Margaret.

Yes.

Does that w--? Does that woman
seem a little weird to you?

Why?
Because she did something nice?

Nice? No, no, no, she--
She tracked me down.

Look--
Look at these cookies.

They've got God stuff
all over them.

And then when she
was leaving, she--

She even thanked God.

That's not weird.

Pretty much everyone who walks
away from you thanks God.

( upbeat blues theme playing )

Hey, ho, failures.
Bob's back.

Get over here,
you little hemorrhoid.

Ooh, a pet name.

Sounds like you're ready
for a little Preparation Bob.

Which brings to mind what you
can do with this check.

It bounced.

It's not even worth
the amazingly disgusting paper

it's written on.

Bounced? That can't be.

I have loads of money.

I haven't paid taxes in years.

I'm gonna call my bank
and settle this.

There's room for two in here,
you know.

Go.

Reg, how are you doing?

Not great.
Bob bounced a check on me.

Can you believe it?

Gotta be honest.
I don't really care.

You know that woman who was
in here, the one that choked?

Has she been asking
a lot of questions about me?

Oh, as a matter of fact,
she was.

No kidding?
Yeah, she came in the other day,

and she asked all about you,
actually:

who you were, what you did--

Really? Huh?
--what kind of food you liked.

Yeah, we had a lovely chat.

What, are you crazy?

I don't want you talking
about me to total strangers.

Thanks to you, I have this--
This person in my life.

So?
So I got a bad feeling

about her. Something--

Something not quite right.

Well, w-what makes
you say that?

She showed up at my office
with-- With cookies.

Oh, the humanity.

Bob's confused.
Nonplussed even.

Some Waldo at the bank said
my account balance is 0.

The account holder
is a zero.

I'm over here now, Jake.
Oh, damn.

I'm going down to the bank
to compound some interest.

They're gonna be sorry
they ever met Bob.

Heh, join the club, right?

( chuckling )

Over here now, Jake.
Oh, damn.

( upbeat blues theme playing )

( knocking on door )

( utensil clatters )

You try to have
a civilized dinner...

( knocking on door )

I'm coming. I'm coming.

Oh, surprise.

Yeah, surprise.

So, what are you doing here?

Well, ever since
you saved my life,

I just can't get you
out of my mind.

Have you tried?

I mean, really tried?

I just had to thank you again.

Well, you-- You've thanked me
more than enough. A lot more.

Oh, nonsense.

In some cultures, saving a life
seals a bond between two people,

even unto death.

Death?

Please, accept this as a small
token of my gratitude.

Oh, no, see, it's really
not necessary. Really.

Oh, oh, but it is.

I don't think
anything is random.

The Lord sent you to me,

and I thank him
for bringing us together.

Did you thank him
for making you choke?

Well, he works
in mysterious ways. Heh.

Yeah, yeah. Good night.

May the Lord bless you
and keep you.

Well, that--
That would be nice.

Oh, my God.

( upbeat blues theme swells )

( upbeat blues theme playing )

So I'm overreacting, huh?

Yeah, well, cookie lady
came by my house last night.

I'm thinking this chick
is some kind of stalker.

Go on, look in there.

Look in there.

I don't wanna look in there.

I'll look in there.
You keep working.

I'll look in there.

( gasps )

Oh, no, John, you're right.

This is awful.

Mittens.

Exactly.
Yeah, she made me mittens.

I mean, what's next?

Maybe these aren't mittens
at all.

Maybe they're evil,
voodoo, killer mittens.

Whatever you do, don't turn
your back on these babies.

Yeah, yeah,
that's very funny, Margaret.

She's just trying to show you
a little gratitude.

No, no, this goes
way beyond gratitude.

This is-- This is that whole
Fatal Attraction,

boil-the-bunny kind of thing.

A, you're crazy,

B, you have a patient
in Room One,

and C, you're crazy.

You know,
you're gonna be sorry.

You know, they're--
They're gonna find me

buried in her backyard
in 16 bloody Mason jars.

Dr. Becker?
Yeah, what?

Margaret doesn't know
what she's talking about.

You're right to be scared
of that stalker.

Uh, you think so?

Oh, yeah.

And believe me,
I've been there.

I mean, the-- The phone calls
in the middle of the night,

the threatening letters,
the emotional blackmail,

the constant obsessive spying...

Oh, wow, that must have
been really scary for you.

Yeah, but he just wouldn't
admit how perfect our love was.

( upbeat blues theme playing )

Come on, officer, she--
She-- She made me cookies.

She brought me mittens.

I mean, this--
This is a dangerous psychopath.

Yes, no, yeah,
I can describe her.

She's about 5'1", uh, 85 pounds,
kind of a sweet face.

She's scary as hell.

Is someone laughing?

Yeah, am I on the speakerphone?

Yeah, very funny. Yeah--

You know, I'd like
to know why you guys

don't arrest criminals
before they commit crimes.

Oh, yeah, good point.

( upbeat blues theme playing )

( phone hangs up )

REGGIE:
We have an 8:00 reservation.
Where have you been?

Trying to protect myself.

I mean, you guys don't think
this Katherine woman

is a stalker, but, boy,
does she fit the profile.

I wanted to, uh,
find out more about psychos,

so I went on the Internet.

Where better?

These stalkers
have weird habits,

hyper-religious belief systems,
spooky rituals.

They latch on to a victim
and never let go.

So?

"So"?

So I'm-- I'm at the dry cleaner
this morning,

and there she is.

I go to the drugstore later on.
There she is again.

So?
So?

So don't you think
it's a little strange

she's in both places?

Why? You were in both places.

Maybe she thinks
you're stalking her.

You know something?
You guys are gonna be sorry

when I'm just a bad smell
coming from a crawlspace.

Tell you what, let's talk
about this over dinner.

Yeah, your compassion
is overwhelming.

Oh, damn, look--

I don't believe this.

My life is over.

Woe is Bob.

Yeah.
Uh, look, Bob,

I was just locking up.

My wife left me.

I said my wife left me.

All right. All right.

What happened, Bob?

My beautiful wife,

my beloved Tamee,

she cleaned out
my bank account

and ran off with
my no-good partner, Alan.

Yeah, Bob, we've got
a dinner reservation--

Bob can't think about eating
at a time like this.

But we're running
a little late.

( puffs )

My God, when I met her,

she was a lowly waitress
at Friendly's,

but I turned her into the most
glamorous broad in Garden City.

And I did it piece by piece.

I took the curves out of her
nose and I put them on her hips.

I took the hair off her lip
and I gave her a widow's peak.

I got her lipo'd, peeled
and tucked.

Pumped, sanded and sucked.

She was hit with more lasers
than the starship Enterprise.

And now she's gone.

( clears throat )

Bob, uh, I know you and I
don't agree on a lot of things,

but, well, I just want you
to know that I feel for you.

I had a girlfriend
walk out on me once,

and I gotta tell you,
it hurt like hell.

But my biggest regret
was that I never went after her.

Don't make the same mistake.

If there's any way you can
put this thing back together,

I say you run to her and tell
her how much she means to you.

You know, you're right.

And that's exactly
what I'm gonna do.

Thanks, man.

Hey, that was pretty nice
of you, Jake.

Yeah. You think
she'll take him back?

Who cares? It got him
out of here, didn't it?

Whoa. All right.

Let's eat.

( upbeat blues theme swells )

( upbeat blues theme playing )

Wow.
Wow, what?

Oh, I just caught sight
of the dessert tray, that's all.

I'm wearing a really hot dress,

and Becker
couldn't control himself.

All right, all right,
you're not--

You're not exactly the worst-
looking woman in this place.

That honor would go
to that one over there.

( clears throat )

So Jake, do you want me
to read you the menu?

Nope. John's buying.

Just read me the prices.

( pager beeping )
Oh, hell.

Oh, sorry,
I gotta go call my service.

Be right back. Don't--

Don't let him order anything
until I get back.

( chuckling )

( gasps )

REGGIE:
Oh, my God.

Pretend I'm talking to you,
Jake.

You are talking to me.

What's going on?

It's her.

Who?

Becker's stalker.

She's right behind you.

Don't look.

What--? What's she doing?

She's just sitting there.

You know, it's weird.

I mean,
maybe she is stalking him.

Sister Mary Katherine,
so nice to see you again.

The Monsignor called
and said he's going to be late.

Thank you.

Did you hear that?

Heh.

She's not a stalker.

She's a nun.

I went to Catholic school.

He might prefer a stalker.

( chuckling )

Well, that was--
That was Linda calling

to tell me that I don't
have any messages.

We really struck gold
with that girl, didn't we?

Oh, my God.

I don't believe this.

She's here.

Wait, what is she doing here,
moving in for the kill?

There's something
you should know about her.

Yeah, well, next thing you know,

she'll be dancing naked on her
lawn wearing my skin for a hat.

You know, I'm--
I'm gonna put a stop to this.

Becker, wait--
John, you're wrong about her.

I'm tired of you people telling
me how wrong I am.

Let me just ask you this:

who do you think
is more qualified to judge the--

The-- The mental health
of that psycho than a-a doctor:

a fry cook, or--
Or Timmy Tap-Tap here?

Well, you're absolutely right.
Go ahead.

Vaya con Dios.

Why, Dr. Becker,
what a pleasant--

Listen, you ditzy
little screwball,

I don't care what sick, little,
twisted fantasy you have

going on about me,

how God brought
us together, but--

I-I beg your pardon?
You-- You-- You wanna--

You wanna sit in your dark room
all by yourself

lighting candles and burning
incense, knock yourself out.

Just don't suck me
into your bizarre beliefs

and y-your--
Your twisted little rituals.

Dr. Becker, there's something--
Save it, sister.

You know, it was a Heimlich
maneuver, for God's sake.

It wasn't a hug.

I mean, has it been that long
since you've been with a man?

I mean, I--
So I saved your life. Big deal.

Find someone else to worship.

Sister, is there a problem?

Uh-- Uh, no, Monsignor.
No-- No problem.

Huh?

Mons--? Sister?

Yes, I'm a nun.

I-I don't usually
tell people at first

because they tend to treat me
with kid gloves.

Obviously, you don't
have that problem.

Oh, boy. So, uh,
all that kindness crap

was actual...kindness.

Uh,

she's a nun.

Did you--?

Well, I got-- Uh, boy, heh,
I gotta tell you,

I-I-- I must seem
like a real--

Big ass.

Can she say that?

Well, I didn't say
the whole thing.

All right.

Well, that's, uh, fair enough--
Fair enough.

Uh, boy, I'm--
You know, I'm just glad

we straightened
this whole thing out.

Uh, hey, good luck-- Good luck.

Uh, go with God. But then--

But then, of course,
you already do, don't you?

Of course you do.

That man is crazy.

Hey, no, padre, that--

That's not exactly fair.

I mean, you know, she--
She's not wearing the uniform.

See-- You see,
he's got the right idea.

You've got the collar thing
going for you.

You're not trying to pass
yourself off as a normal person.

Not-- Not--

Not that you're
not a normal person.

I think it's--
It's perfectly normal

for a person
not to have sex.

I-I myself sometimes
don't have sex for, uh...

You know, may-- Maybe this isn't
an area that we should get into.

Maybe, uh...
KATHERINE: Dr. Becker,

this is very unfortunate.

Why don't we just try to forget
this ever happened?

That's a good idea.
Thank you. Thank you.

I mean, that's what--
That's what Jesus says

after all, right? I forgive you.
You-- You forgive me.

'Cause he doth command it.

Yeah.

Uh, maybe I better
just, uh, sit down, you know.

If, uh, anyone chokes,
just give a holler.

Come on, give me a break,
will you?

I mean, she-- She made
snickerdoodles for me.

You know, tell me that wouldn't
freak you out.

I, uh-- I was the one
who saved her life.

That's what this, uh--

This whole thing's about.

Oh.

Smooth.

( upbeat blues theme swells )

( upbeat blues theme playing )