Beaver Falls (2011–…): Season 2, Episode 5 - Episode #2.5 - full transcript

Mac got high last night
and he snogged Barry.

- It doesn't matter. Everyone experiments.
- I'm sorry.

No. Please take it back.

If any part of you did see this as a
way to get her back on the market...

I was looking out for her.

This is where I tell you to
stay the hell away from A-Rab.

Does this mean you'll be getting
back with Jake?

Hey, whoa!

You're under orders to win back
my daughter.

Last summer you screwed my wife,

but you won't be soiling any
member of my family this year.



This is everyone you slept with
last summer? This is everyone?

Yeah. Everyone.

Why shouldn't I have some fun?
I'll be seeing you soon, Spencer.

Do you think it'll be
like a meteor?

I'd get wasted
and go skinny dipping.

I can't die now. I'm too young.

I'd get laid as many times
as I can...

starting with
the Christian bunk!

I'm cashing in my gold,
buying the staff of Elomere

and going on an orc-killing spree!

It's not right out there.

Those kids are up to something.

The world's ending tonight.

Is that my toothbrush?



I dunno.
Why's the world ending?

Some nutcase reckons
he's worked it out from the Bible.

I only got one day left?

Man, I'm never gonna tap Halle Berry.

It's starting
to look that way, mate.

Why are you using my toothbrush?

All right, Princess, didn't know
you needed your own special brush.

- Is the world really ending tonight, Flynn?
- Don't ask me, mate.

I've got a shaky relationship
with mortality as it is.

It's just a cheap publicity stunt
by some second-rate Nostradamus.

Well, if the world really is ending,

I'm not spending my last day
surrounded by you sad bastards.

All campers to flagpole
for an important message.

Not life or death important,
just... relevant.

Hi.

Hi.

Look, I'm...
really sorry about, er...

If I had anything to do with you
and Mac...

It's fine. Honestly.

Good. Cos I wasn't sure
if you were OK.

I am.

It's only...
you're hiding behind a tree.

Hey, guys, have you seen Rachael?

Come here.

I just thought I... heard Mac.

I think the coast is clear.

Hey.
Hey.

What are you doing
talking to a tree?

I thought I saw a squirrel.

Do you not get them in England?

No.

You mustn't be scared,
they're quite tame.

Cheers.

You haven't seen Rachael?

No. I haven't seen her.

I think she's still pretty cut up
about what happened.

Yet remains strong-willed
and fiercely independent.

I just...

I wish she wouldn't
keep running away from me.

Running away from you?!

Oh my God, Rachael,
how long have you been there?

Just to clarify, Mac,

when a girl's husband announces
that he's gay,

it's quite acceptable for her

to take a few days to reflect
on the situation.

Yeah, but it was nothing you did.

I never said that it was!
Though clearly, you think that.

Maybe I repulsed you into being gay?

A-Rab. Do you think Mac
was gay when we met?

That's a contentious issue.
Some people believe...

Rach, I'm as confused about this
as anybody. Probably more.

But all I do know is
at the moment this is about me

and it has nothing to do...
I'm so sorry.

Good morning, campers.

Hello. Morning.

Let me just start off by saying,
the world is ending...

in approximately... a billion years!

Now, this is just like
any other day,

so there will be no bucket list
nonsense,

or living life
like there's no tomorrow,

because there is a tomorrow

and it will be a most unpleasant day
for any rule breakers.

Am I clear?

Nothing has changed which
is why tonight, as planned,

it's going to be movie night,

a chance to forget
about the apocalypse

and escape into the magical world
of cinema.

We meet at the amphitheatre

for a night that promises to be
just like any other.

Rachael, good news!

I have been given the honour
of organising movie night,

and so naturally I'll be delegating
many of my responsibilities to you.

I have a lot of work to do.

That's the spirit.

OK, so we'll need tickets,
popcorn, balloons, bunting,

hot dogs, nachos...

You know what, it'll be easier
if I just e-mail it to you.

Sent. OK. Bye.

So, it's our last day
on earth together.

What do you do?

That's easy. I'd have a threesome.

Really, Barry?

Oh, don't worry. With you.

And someone else. Obviously.

Have anyone in mind?

This is one of those traps,
isn't it?

Aw, you're learning.

So what about you?
What would you do?

If it was the last day on earth?

I'd spend it with my family
and friends,

talk about all the good times
we've shared.

Let everyone that I cared about
know that I love them.

Wow. That sounds really nice.

I suppose there might still be
time for that after the threesome.

How about this for Mac?

Brokeback Mountain? Don't be cruel.

What? He grew up on a farm.

Fine. Milk? It won an Oscar...

Nothing that's
going to upset anyone.

If we aren't doing anything
to upset anyone

then why were you hanging out
with Rachael this morning?

I wasn't hanging out with Rachael,
I just happened to bump into...

Over it. Let's have sex now.

What?

Unless you aren't attracted to me
any more.

Of course I am.

A-Rab, I'm hot, I'm here
and I am easily suggestible.

It's the holy trinity.

Can we meet somewhere later?

Somewhere the boss might
not find us?

Promise?

Because if you don't give me
any then,

I hear there are four burly horsemen
on their way who are up for it.

Right.

Four horsemen of the a-cock-alypse.

OK, please, please,
please stop, please stop.

Perfect. I'll go
and give it to Rachael

I'll take it if you like.

Oh no, that's OK.
I'm sure you've got better
things to be doing.

Ah good, there you are.
I need to go over a few
things for tonight.

Now I want popcorn, hotdogs,
nachos...

Sure.

- ..The whole nine yards.
- Done, done and done.

So, I bumped into A-Rab
this morning.

Oh, God.

What?

You're going back onto A-Rab.

No. I definitely am not.

Rach, you are just another soldier
in the war on dating.

So, you trod on a gay landmine,
it could happen to anyone.

You gotta get back out there.

Try straight, available men
and your self-esteem will rocket.

You are wasted as a lifeguard.

I know, right?

OK. I got to go.

Hope has given me
all her work to do.

What a bitch, you should totally
screw her boyfriend.

Is she still cut up about Mac?

Yeah.

Poor bastard's been beating himself
up about it all week.

He broke her heart.

You don't think people can
come back from a break up?

He's gay, Jake.

Maybe I'm not talking about them.

So, word is Barry wants a threesome.

Wish I'd seen your face
when he put that forward.

That's the one.
Hope you let him down gently.

Who says I let him down at all?

Hmm, Kimberley, getting curious?

You know I'm searching for even
the smallest part

of this situation
that's any of your business.

All right, but, ah,

the world is ending, you know.

Hey.
Hey.

What are you doing?

I don't know.

Dude.

Thanks.

Wow.

Why are we even doing this
if the world is ending?

The world is not ending.

It's ending!

They can't breathe!

You can have first dibs
on mouth-to-mouth.

I'll save them.

Er...

Er, well...

- Hey.
- Hey!

So, er, what do you recommend?

Meatloaf looks good.

Yeah, if he lost weight
and cut his hair maybe.

You look really pretty today,
Rachael.

Don't you think so A-Rab?

Well, yes.

But, I mean, I think everyone
looks good, you know?

I mean, you look good, Thurston,

and I can say that cos friends
can say that to each other

even if they have a girlfriend.

Or they're getting over a marriage.

Right...

I'm going to sit down now.

Hey.

Hey. No point working if we're
all going to be dead tomorrow.

I'd take a gamble on it all being
complete bollocks.

You never know,
might be the last night for us

to have some fun together.

Pam, stop. I can't, I'm sorry.

There's a girl.

There's always a girl.

This one's special.

I think I might love her,
as it happens.

You don't fall in love.

Imagine my surprise.

I'm sorry, Pam.

PJ, it wasn't what it looked like.

Really? Because it looked like
she was being a complete whore.

She was just trying to engage in
some innocent flirtation

which I gently rebuffed.

My mother doesn't do
innocent flirtation.

She does aggressive seduction.
You are in her sights.

I've told her I'm not interested.
What's the problem?

Let's get it all out in the open.
No more secrets.

PJ? This isn't your mother's
birthday party

and I'm not your arsehole date.

Nothing's going to happen with her.
It's just you and me. OK?

OK.

What the hell was that about?

What?

"You look pretty today, Rachael."

I saw you kissing her
just before lunch.

You may think that's what you saw...

No, that's definitely what I saw.

It's OK. I won't tell.
You should get with Rachael.

She's nice and kind
and you loved her all last summer.

Thurston...

I know you like Hope too but letting
Rachael slip through your fingers

when she's suddenly available and
there's one week of summer left?

I thought you liked Hope?

Hey, you.

Nothing.

What?

I mean hi. How are you?

I'm having the day from hell. No
time for lunch. I'm eating al-desko

but I should be all done in time
for our little trip later.

I can't wait. See you at three.

See you at three... Three o'clock.

I've been thinking about that thing
you were talking about.

How I'd have survived Jurassic Park?

The other thing.

How Coco Pops taste different here?

The threesome, Barry.

Oh, right. Oh, right!

I suppose I could be persuaded.

Really?

If you can find a suitable
third member

and a place we can be alone,
then I'm in.

Oh, my God.
Is this really happening?

It's really happening.

Hey. Looking forward to movie night?

It's the highlight
of my social calendar.

I saw you talking to Flynn. I would
have stepped in and stopped you

but seeing you embarrass yourself
passes for entertainment here.

Mom, Flynn's my boyfriend.

I wanted to let you know in case
you were planning any more gross

or totally inappropriate moves
on him.

Well, this is a nice surprise.
My two girls getting along.

What's the gossip?

I was just dropping by to let Mom
know that Flynn and I are an item.

You and Spencer?!

We're all a little busy here today.

Why don't we discuss this
another time?

Bobby, no.

Pamela, get my .45!

Please let me try
and deal with this.

If you come down hard on her now
she'll dig her heels in.

You know she will.

Kimberley said yes to a threesome?

Yep... What?

It's a trap.

Well, if it is,
it's a very sexy one.

Mate, here's how it goes. You ask her
for a threesome. She says yes.

You turn up,
the third person is a bloke

so you either have to admit
you're a twat

or watch your girlfriend
have sex with him, I suppose.

Nah, she wouldn't ruin our threesome
by inviting another bloke.

She already ruined it
by inviting you.

Ha-ha-ha Anyway you're wrong

because she's asked me
to find the third person.

So all you have to do

is find another girl in this camp
willing to have sex with you?

Yep.

Hm. She's smarter than I thought.

I know, yeah.

Hey.

Hey.

Look, about earlier.
The... kiss thing. It was wrong.

Oh, God, yeah. I totally agree.

We probably should just
forget it happened.

Absolutely.

Because you are with Hope.

And you're on the rebound.

Yeah.

But I do think it'd be good to talk.

Not about us but about...

I don't know, everything
that's happening with you, maybe.

You mean with Mac and everything?

Yeah. Yeah, a friendly chat
as friendly... friends.

I don't think your girlfriend will
be happy with me talking to you.

Hey, I can talk to whoever I want.

But let's meet somewhere quiet.

Barry's shed?
I have some time at three.

I will see you later, then.

OK.

Bye.

Bye.

See you... later.

Hello!

It's OK,
I told my parents about us.

- What?!
- You should have
seen their faces.

Why the hell would you do that?

Flynn! Why the hell would I do that?

Er, because my mom
wants to fuck you?

Didn't you think of asking me first?

I did not know that
I had to run everything by you.

I just mean
it's going to cause problems.

Wasn't it working out before?

Oh! Are you scared of my dad?

Promise you'll still love me
when he cuts my nuts off?

I did not say that I loved you
in the first place.

Oh, hey!

Hey. Look, I'm sorry but I'm not
going to be able to meet you later.

I mean, if I could make it,
I would but...

Something happened earlier.

Did soccer get rescheduled again?

Yeah, it did.

No.

I have to tell you that me and...

I'm having the worst day, honey.

All these bed-wetters keep
telling me the world is gonna end.

You know how I get about negative
energy. It's amazing

I can function as guidance
councillor at all.

And the only thing getting me
through today is seeing you later.

Bye.

Are you OK?

I'm fine.
Mate, I'm just double booked.

I said I'd see Hope later but now
I've arranged... football practice.

And I don't know
if football practice is a good idea.

Actually, I'm pretty sure it isn't.

Only thing is, I want to practise
football, Thurston.

There's, like, a week left

and I really, really don't want
to let football practice

slip through my fingers again.

Maybe I can help.

There are only a few things
I've ever loved, Spencer.

My daughter,
because she's the apple of my eye.

My wife,
because she's the girl of my dreams.

And my country, because it has
a lax attitude to gun control.

Can you see
where I'm going with this?

I thought the golf buggy
would make your top three.

You have two options.
You can just end it with her

or you can continue seeing her
and I'll tell her

you were sticking it to her mother
all last summer.

You'd break her heart.

Really? Look at you, you've got
one less arm than last year.

Maybe next time it'll be a leg,
or the ability to feed yourself,

or wipe your own ass.

A little heartbreak is nothing
compared to what you're serving up.

End it... today!

OK, ready, guys? One and two...

Barry, I need to use the shed.

What for?

Me and Hope need a place to, er...
You know.

You want to use my shagging cabin?
Yes.

It's in use all afternoon.
A threesome must take priority,

as your mum always says.

Nice. But why would a pretend
threesome take priority?

Cos there's more of us. Two girls,
four boobs. You do the sexy math.

I will give you a million pounds
if it actually happens.

Great. I'll spend it all on condoms.

Do I need to remind you
that you owe me one?

Oh, no, you can't do that.

I'm doing it.

No, you only get to play
the ankle tag card once.

It's on the table.
Ankle tag beats four boobs.

You're breaking my heart.

Yet I feel nothing.

I would have done a lot
for that trump card.

Hope the sex is worth the sacrifice.

OK, put your back into it.
Come on.

One, two, three.

Up and down!

Ah! Thurston.

I knew sooner or later
you'd be knocking on my door.

I don't want any trouble.

Well, what do you want, Thurston?

Guidance?

Up, down, up, down.
Come on, put some effort in.

Organising a threesome is harder
than the internet has you believe.

What happened?

Firstly, I couldn't find
a third person.

A threesome?

No fucking way.

I'm going to pretend
you didn't just ask me that, Barry.

Secondly, I don't have
a location because

five weeks ago I got A-Rab arrested
and now he won't let me have sex.

I couldn't organise a hand job
in a wank factory.

Well, er, you know,
I might have an idea,

if you're still interested.

Hi.

Hi.

So how are you?

I'm fine.

We kissed this morning.

Yeah. I'm sorry about that.

No, I'm sorry.
I don't know what's wrong with me.

I didn't want you to think
I was trying it on with you.

No, of course not.
I know that you care about Hope.

Yeah, of course I do.

I just wouldn't want to be that guy.

No, you're not that guy.
You're sweet and you're kind.

I don't know if I am.
If I was, I wouldn't...

What?

We shouldn't.

And then when I was six my teacher
stole my candy bar

because she said I hadn't
had dessert

and you mustn't eat dessert before
mains. What kind of rule is that?

I'm scared the world's going to end
and I'll never see my mom again.

If the world ended it'd probably be
the best thing for you.

Why?

I'm not going to sugar coat
the truth

because, let's be honest,
you'd probably try and eat it.

You're young, overweight and gay.

Your life is going to be miserable
until your early 20s

when you work out you can be
everyone's big fat camp friend.

The one who's loads of fun
but secretly depressed

because the men you like
aren't attracted to you.

You'll disappear for a few years.

When you come back
you'll have a washboard stomach

and an addiction to steroids that's
given you the body you always craved

but left you narcissistic, tedious
and prone to violent mood swings.

You'll eventually realise
that you miss the old you

but by then your friends will have
left and all the men you're with

only want you for your abs.
You'll be so dependent on the roids

and the one-night stands
that, well, there's no going back.

They'll find your corpse
when the smell gets too much

for the neighbours in the singles
apartment complex you end up in,

sad and alone.

So if the world does end tonight
at least you'll be spared all that.

I hope this has been
of some comfort to you.

I'm not the sort of person
that does this.

No, I mean,
you were only just married.

Have you seen A-Rab?

I thought you were supposed
to be in my shed?

No.

No.

No, because that was Flynn and PJ.
I always get you guys mixed up.

Probably cos you all look
so similar.

Wait. Have you tried
the other side of the camp?

That way. Way over there.

No?

'Attention, campers. Just a reminder
that the world is not ending.

'Remember, the world
is not ending today.'

A-Rab?

Hey, where are you hurrying off to?

Nothing. I mean, nowhere.

Your hair's all messed up.

It is?

You have sex hair.

I do not.

Rachael, who gave you sex hair?

Nobody! I just...
have really horrible hair.

You have gorgeous hair. It is thick
and shiny and full of life

and somebody
has been messing with it.

Oh, be quiet.

Did you make up with Mac?

Ooh, Rachael had make-up sex
with Mac?

He's gay.

Yeah, but you're hot.

You know just because you are

disgustingly loved up
doesn't mean that everybody else is.

I am not disgustingly loved up.

Please. The serial commitment-phobe
who hooks up and denies
that she's falling in love?

That is like
every Ryan Reynolds movie.

She's right.
You're totally screwed.

Ha! And you need to give Mac
a break. Jake says he's really
upset about everything.

Well since when are
we having heart to hearts with Jake?

Yeah, since when are we
having hearts to hearts with Jake?

I liked it when we were talking
about the sex hair.

OK, that is my cue to leave.

Bye.

I do not love Flynn.

Sure.

Showering in the middle of the
afternoon. You dirty bastard.

Do you ever actually
do your jobs?

How was it then? The shagging?

Mind your own business.

I had to rearrange a threesome at
great inconvenience for this
so the least you can do is tell me.

Hope enjoy herself?

It's all right,
we know she wasn't there.

Barry bumped into her.

What did you tell her?

Don't worry, I covered for you.

I spun her
an intricate web of lies,

a complicated maze
of intrigue and enigma.

Your secret's perfectly safe.

Fuck!

So, who were you with?

Rachael.

Jesus, you don't
like an easy life, do you?

Hang on, I'm the only one
who hasn't had sex with Rachael.

I wonder what her policy on
threesomes is...

Fuck's sake, Barry.

What's wrong with you?

Bobby knows about me and PJ.

And he's threatening to tell her
about you and Pam?

If I don't split up with her.

So, what will you do?
Split up with her.

You can't let the summer camp
Nazi push you around.

He's right though, isn't he,

this way's best for everyone.

Best for you, you mean,
get to avoid a fight like always.

Hey, so I hear the threesome's
on then, huh?

Is this where I went wrong?

What do you mean?

Guess, if you'd have asked me when
we were together what I'd like to do

if it was the last night on earth

I'd have said something stupid,
y'know about how it'd be just
you and me, a couple of candles,

maybe a bottle of something
we both liked, being together,

knowing that we were two
of the luckiest people in the
world for having found happiness.

But I guess what I should have said
is that I'd like
to have nasty group sex.

Live and learn.

You didn't say a whole lot
of anything when we were together.

Yeah, well. Different man now, Kim.

Concentrate... concentrate.

OK, throw the ball.

Hi, you wanna play?

I should warn you I had a trial
for the Lakers.

Oh, you got your serious face on.
I sense something dramatic.

I'm breaking up with you.

Because I lied about basketball?

I'm serious, PJ.

This is for real?

Yeah.
It's the right thing to do.

How is this the right thing to do?

I thought that we were good?

It's what we do. We fuck around.
Neither of us wants to settle down.

Is this because I told my parents?

No. I've just been thinking
about it for a while

and I'm sorry,
but it's not going anywhere.

Christ, Flynn.

I had to break down some really
well-built emotional barriers

to make this relationship work.

Why, though? Don't you
think you were happier before?

Well, yeah, no I do now!

Was this your
plan all along? To make me fall...

Feel something for you
and then to fuck off?

Summer's almost over.

And this was the best way that you
could think of ending things?

I'm a rip-the-plaster-off sort
of man. Nice and quick. No pain.

Good job.

Fucking arsehole.

♪ I'm sticking with you... ♪

Tackle...

♪ Cos I'm made out of glue... ♪

Hi.

I tried to get away
but I got waylaid.

That's OK.

Come on,
we're going for a drive.

♪ If this was a cold war
we could keep each other warm

♪ And I said on the first occasion
that I met Marie

♪ We were crawling through the hatch
that was the missile door... ♪

Mac, Mac, I need your advice.

I'm supposed to be at a threesome
but Flynn split up with PJ
so shouldn't be on his own now.

He needs a friend but Kimberley's
expecting me and, although
this has never come up before,

I've a feeling you don't
stand up your girlfriend
when she's organised group sex.

Jesus, what is it with everybody?

All I'm hearing is, "Why
won't my boyfriend commit, Mac?"

"Do these shoes
make my calves look fat, Mac?"

I mean, what am I, an agony aunt?

No, dude, you're
everyone's new gay best friend.

I don't want to be everybody's
new gay best friend.

I totally understand.

Only I'm in a
bit of a hurry here...

- OK, but this is the last
time we do this.
- Agreed.

Even if Kimberley really is throwing
you a threesome, which I doubt,

then you've still
got to put your friends first.

Tell her you're sorry and explain
that Flynn really needs you right
now and she'll understand.

Best gay best friend ever.

OK.

Buckle up.

This is going to be fun.

I don't approve of you smoking that.

I found it in your drawer, Mom.

Then I don't approve of
you stealing that.

Good news by the way,
Flynn is single.

You should totally go for it.

What happened?

He broke up with me, obviously.

Ladies...

Aww, this is nice, the woman
that raised me and my mother

all together in one place.

A tender sentiment indeed.

PJ just broke up with her boyfriend.

Who's the schmuck?

Flynn. Apparently
"it's not going anywhere."

I guess he just looked
at his life and thought

"I don't have anything
to offer her".

What do you mean?

He's only got
a few good months left

and then everything you like
about him is going to disappear.

He's just being noble.

You know what, I've got to go.

No, that's not what
I was getting at...

Thanks, Mom.

Er, you sort of missed the turning.
The Point's back that way.

The Point's boring.

Up here is way more fun.

What's up here?

You'll see.

I can't believe it.
You're single and I'm not.

I'm a little bit heartbroken here,
mate.

Sorry. Here's something
that'll cheer you up -
if you swap the letters around

in this place you get
"Feaver Balls". "Feaver Balls"?

Haven't you got a pretend
threesome to be getting to?

Nah. No, I'm all right.

Threesomes come and go
but friends are forever.

Think you might have got that
the wrong way round.

I mean,
what would I do with two girls?

I hardly know what to do
with one.

And really,
if it was the end of the world

all I'd want is to be with her.

The only thing is, mate,
the world really is ending for you.

You don't know what I'd do
to change that, but I can't...

Well, there it is.

You know if you lose PJ now,
then that's it for you guys,

there's no second chances.

You're stoned, aren't you?

Incredibly.

Well, at least you didn't end up
dining alone.

Can I help you?

I was passing by,
didn't hear the sound of a wild
orgy. So you know, got concerned.

Incredibly sweet of you.

Barry has no idea how lucky he is.

- He knows.
- You think?

He thought he was going to be the
filling in a girl-on-girl sandwich

but instead you hijacked
his sex fantasy with this

sneaky, underhanded, tastefully
put together romantic evening.
That sort of thing can throw a guy.

Maybe that's why he's a no-show.

He's not a no-show, he's only...

incredibly late.

Anyway, when he gets here and he
sees it's just me he'll be relieved.

We're kidding around, it's what
we do. We're a... fun couple.

Does Barry know you're
a "fun couple"? He thinks
you're serious about him.

Don't twist my words.
You know I'm serious about him.

Like that time that you got me to
pretend to be your boyfriend for
your dad?

That was different.

That was real life
and this is Beaver Falls.

Where you two can thrive as the
kooky couple that nobody saw coming.

I should leave you and the sex doll
to work out what you're going
to do in a week

- when you have to break up with him.
- Who says I'm breaking up with him?

It is a summer fling for you,

but for him, you're
his happily ever after.

I feel for the guy.
I know what it means to lose you.

I miss you, Kim,
can you say that you don't miss me?

Uh, seriously -
where are we going?

Tell me, A-Rab. Do you want me
to be happy?

Of course.

Would you ever do anything
to hurt me?

Hope...

Would you ever do anything
to hurt me?

Hope...
Would you ever do anything
to hurt me?
No.

So you wouldn't cheat on me?

That beeping means
you have 60 seconds
to get back into your curfew zone

- before you're arrested and deported.
- Jesus! Hope, stop the car.

Did you fuck Rachael?

- No!
- Liar!

All right, all right! OK, I did.

I did and I'm sorry.

Tell me she means nothing to you.

I can't go to jail.

So convince me!

Popcorn, anybody?

Yeah, popcorn.

Phone call! There you go.

Hope, Hope, Hope, Hope.
Hi, yeah, you're supposed to be
helping me...

'Rachael means nothing to me!
I swear to god.'

It was the worst sex ever,
it was like... humping a pillow.

I mean no wonder Mac's gay.
I mean what was I thinking?!

'Actually,
I know what I was thinking, '

I was thinking of you
the whole time.

Yeah, I regret it,
I regret it so much.

I don't even care about her.

'I don't care about Rachael!'

Please, just stop!

You've got 30 seconds. Best of luck.

Rachael can have my bunny Eliza,
Mac can have my Cranbrook bracelet,

my mommy can... Sorry.

What you got there, kid?

It's my will.
In case we all die tonight.

Oh, wait. No, listen, kiddo,

I figure you got to hear this
from a responsible adult

and, well, in the absence
of any suitable candidates

I guess I'll have to do
but the world is not ending tonight.

You're fine.

No, I'm not.

Hope says if the world doesn't end
then I'll be a sad, fat, gay man

and get addicted to steroids

and die alone in a singles'
apartment complex.

Wait, no, no. Listen, Thurston,
your life is not predetermined.

Nobody makes those choices but you

and you know a lot more than I did
when I was your age,

and you're gonna be fine, trust me.
Thanks.

'Grab your hot dogs
and take a seat,

'movie night is about to begin.'

I am the Super Bowl
of gay best friends.

Oh, my God, Rachael.
I'm so glad I found you.

You're never going to believe
what just happened.

Was it terrible?

Was whatever happened the worst
occurrence of that particular act
you've ever had?

No, listen, Hope is crazy.

Yeah, I think I've mentioned it
once or twice.

Yeah, well,
I should've listened to you.

Oh, my God. It's so good to see you.

So, out of curiosity,
who was the third person?

So, what's
the number of steroids

I could take to lose weight
but not go crazy?

None.

The number you can take is none.

Oh... I see.

What's wrong?

"She meant nothing to me,
it was the worst sex I ever had."

Ring any bells?

Oh, shit...

"Like humping a pillow."

Rachael... I heard every word.

If I'd known that
you were with Flynn

then I guess I would've never have
ended up... eating alone.

But it's fine.

We look out for our friends.

We're a fun couple.

We are a fun couple.

No, no, you have to understand,
I was under duress, by a mad woman.

I didn't mean anything I said...

Whatever, A-Rab.

You know what? Just so you know,
it didn't rock my world either.

In fact,
you're pretty shit in bed yourself.

Well, follow her, you moron!

Yeah, follow her,
you bad-in-bed asshole.

You're right.

But not about the bad in bed
thing, obviously.

Hey, A-Rab! Hey.
Where's he going?

If the other one needs you,
you'd better go.

So, I figured out why you made
a huge mistake and dumped me.

You think you're being chivalrous.

It's the way it has to be.

Sometimes when you speak,
it's like you're reading
out of a teenage girl's diary.

You do know I'm dying, don't you?
Horribly, slowly, painfully.

That's got to count for something.

Uh...

no.

No, you used the death's door card
way too many times.

Shit. So what now?

Campers,
welcome to movie night.

You'll notice from the lack
of flaming rivers of lava that

we have not witnessed
the Apocalypse.

It has been just another day
at Beaver Falls.

So, without much further ado,
let the show begin.

'Earth - survivors
of volcanic eruption,

'deadly earthquakes
and vicious tsunamis.

'A peaceful planet until...'

Rachael?!

Rach!

You all right? What happened?

Hope went mental.

She tried to get me deported.
Everything Rachael said was true.

It'll be all right.

It won't be all right! I've properly
fucked it up this time.

I think I might actually lose her
for good.

Right, well,
we better chase after her then.

You've had enough practice.

I'm not going to put you through
what's coming.

I can take it.

I know you can,
but you're not going to.

I love you, OK? And I'm doing the
right thing in letting you go...

Oh, Hannah Montana,
stop it already.

What happens if Rachael's not
in there but Hope is

and she tries to attack you and
I get caught in the crossfire?

Risk I'm willing to take, Barry.

30 seconds till midnight, losers.

30, 29...

You guys, it's almost time.

27, 26, 25...

If we give in to our primal fears
we're no better than animals!

If you'd just let me have my
threesome, none of this
would be happening.

Shut up, Barry.

I want to stay with you, Spencer.

Maybe not until the end
of my lifetime,

but I'm pretty sure I could manage
till the end of yours.

Technically not much of a commitment.

Hey, it's a massive
fucking commitment,

it's not one I make lightly.

So what do we do?
I go home in a week.

Ten, nine...

Stop your counting!
Cease this doomsdaying!

Five, four, three, two...

It's a fuse!
It's just a fuse!

Everything is completely normal!

It's a fuse, it's all right!
It's just a blown fuse.

Everything is completely normal!

And that was just a minor
earth tremor!

The world is not ending!

Marry me.

For the green card?

Yeah, and because, y'know,
you love me.

And I love you.

No fucking way!

So?

Yes.

She's never going
to speak to me again.

I don't know if that's your biggest
problem right now.

What do you mean?

Looks like Hope's
gone off the reservation.

Don't ruin it for her.

I'm not going to ruin it,
I'm just going to kill him!

You're not the only one
with secrets, Bobby.

You wouldn't want her to find out
the truth about you.

That's my man!

Hey.

Hi.

You OK?

I slept with A-Rab.

Well, he's definitely not gay.

I missed you.

I missed you too.

I do hope that one day

I can be an incredibly awkward

and most definitely drunk guest

at your civil ceremony/wedding.

Depending on the state.

Well, I hope that one day

I will be able to bring my boyfriend
to your second marriage

and make your grandparents
feel really uncomfortable.

Deal.

Deal.

Ha! We're getting married!
What's the worst that could happen?

I tell PJ everything you and Flynn
got up to last summer.

Who really knows about it? Bobby.

Boom!

The kids. Rachael.

Best men do not always sleep with
bridesmaids.

Mac.

You're doing a what in a where?

And Pam obviously.

That's everyone.

Except Hope.

What the fuck is this?!

Ladies and gentlemen,
I give you the happy couple!

What?

It's time to choose, Kim.
Is it gonna be me or him?

This is a joke, right?

If there's anyone here who knows why
these two should not be wed,

let them speak now.

Dreams don't always turn out the way
you planned.