Beaver Falls (2011–…): Season 2, Episode 4 - Episode #2.4 - full transcript

Beaver Falls is due to play its annual basketball match against rival Camp Wimoweh,who have beaten them for the last ten years. Bobby,confident that Mac's performance will lead Beaver Falls to victory,gets the nerds to make a celebratory film with himself as star. However Mac is not feeling confident and gets a pep talk and a joint from Barry,whom he suddenly kisses. Words spreads round the camp with Mac defensively claiming Barry made the first move,branding Barry as gay. The basketball game begins without Mac but Barry persuades him to take part and he draws Beaver Falls level. However after a gay jibe from the rival team Mac socks him and runs off. Barry pretends he is gay to save Mac's face but Mac himself feels he must come clean to Rachael.

This is Mac. My husband.

Whooo!
Jesus!

If you and Mac want some privacy,
you just say the word.

It's fine.

Oh, God. That doesn't sound good.

Oh! Oops.

We never get any time alone.
You should think this is a big deal.

You guys used to date?

You probably have plenty of
sweet things to say about her.

There were feelings...
big feelings...

It was fun though, right?



Yeah, it was.

Don't make out with my mom, OK?

Let's just not involve them
at all, huh?

I do love you.

Drunk on camp!

I'll make sure
she gets some counselling.

He hasn't had sex with me for weeks.

Beaver Falls,
Beaver Falls, Beaver Falls...

All right. All right. You got it.
You got to love it. Listen,

tomorrow, Camp Wimoweh
send their basketball team here.

I know they've won the trophy
for the past ten years running,

and I know they think
they're going to do it again.

And I sure as hell know something
else - this year, they're wrong!

Cos...



Because we know something that
they don't. We have a secret weapon.

A weapon of mass destruction,

a weapon made in beautiful
Wyoming, USA.

Whoo! Ladies and gentleman,
I give you our new team captain...

the one, the only,
the mighty Macca!

Say a few words son, come on.

Uh... Yeah, just...
good luck for tomorrow, guys.

Let's give it our best shot.

Whoo!

Whoo!

Come on, you're the general -
inspire your troops.

Uh... Um...

OK, er...

What is the... best thing in life?

To crush your enemies,
to see them crumble before you

That is a direct misquote from
Conan the Barbarian. The original.

Crush your enemies!
Crush your enemies...!

Crush your enemies!

Crush your enemies!

What the hell is going on here?

You are stoned.

No...

Yes.

Hey!

I'm so proud.

I'm so high.

Mac...

Help me... Help me.

Oh, Barry! Never let me go,
my beautiful horse.

Should I be worried?

I think they make a lovely couple.

Easy, now...

Remind me again, why does it
matter if my parents know?

Look, if you want to do
the whole rebellious thing,

get a tattoo or a piercing -
just leave me out of it.

I already got a tattoo
and I got a piercing.

You know, the more you say no,

the more it turns me on.

You're sick and twisted.
Which is good...

Just not here, not now.

Ah, you're such a girl.

OK, we got me, sunset behind me,

the heroic angle, as I practice
my speech for tomorrow's game.

If I may be so bold, as director...

You've got one job. Make it look
good. Don't over-complicate this.

Yes, it's just...

I was thinking of going for
a rougher,

handheld approach - cinema verite?

Now you're talking French. Now,

this film is about me-about
how my camp turns boys into men.

Strong, macho men who can throw
a touchdown and dunk a two-pointer.

Now, can you nerdlings
deliver that or not?

Action.

When I was young, I had a dream.

A dream about boys.
A team of heroes.

Camp Wimoweh...

they're a sports camp,
they've got the equipment,

gym, dietician,
they got the whole nine yards.

Beaver Falls... we're street.

We're ghetto.

And... on paper, we're toast.

But we got something that
those Wimoweh jerks don't.

We've got belief.

And you know what else we've got?

Precedence.

Dammit,
that was a rhetorical question.

We're in the middle of a take here,

It's obvious that
Beaver Falls are going to win.

It is?

Of course it is. It's your
classic underdog story. You know,

like Rocky, Seabiscuit,
Bad News Bears, Mighty Ducks.

Mighty Ducks 2.

Mighty Ducks 3.

Mighty Ducks 4.

I think we agree that

the entire Mighty Ducks canon
is included in this equation.

I don't want theories, Spielberg.

With all due respect,
I am the director...

With all due respect,
shut up and keep filming.

All right...
You know what else we got?

We got the Mac Attack!

Looks like everybody's
pretty hyped up, huh?

Any excuse to get half naked
and start screaming.

So you think you'll score tomorrow?

Well, I hope so.
That's why I'm there.

And how about tonight?

How about tonight what?

Do you think you'll score?

Ah...

Not the night before the game.
I got to keep the powder dry.

The night before
or the week before?

I'll make it up to you. I promise.

OK, because, you know, I'm a firm
believer in sex after marriage.

Yes, I do know that.

Listen, I'm gonna shoot off
before Bobby makes me

do a little dance or something
in front of everyone.

OK...

don't blame you. Love you.

Yeah, I love you, too.

Bye.

You not enjoying
your moment of glory?

You ever sit in front
of a group of people

just chanting your name at you?

Once. When I was eight.

And it wasn't cos they liked me.

Hey, do you wanna play tomorrow?

Yeah! The only thing I know
how to do with a basketball

is make a pretty good bong
out of it.

Aw, c'mon. It'll be fun.

We'll find a role for you.

Here...?

Sure?

My cousin, Robbie,
he was a big burner in our family.

He'd smoke and snort anything
he could get his hands on.

Carpet cleaner. Catnip.

He once huffed a whole
can of butane gas,

that stuff they use to fill lighters.

He said he saw God
and God made fun of his haircut.

He's, like, 25 now, bald,
looks like Lex Luthor.

Mate, are you all right?

I'm mighty Mac. I'm amazing.

Gimme some of that.

Fuck!

Refill?

Uh... sure - oh, I'm on water,
though, yeah.

According to your girlfriend,

I have an unhealthy relationship
with alcohol.

So you had a drink, insulted
your friends and stripped off.

That's a normal night in the pub
where I'm from.

Don't worry about it.

Hope doesn't need to know.

Hope doesn't need to know what?

You sort of sneaked up on me there.

Only sneaks sneak, A-rab!

So...?

Well, no... I was just saying that
if Rachael wanted a drink...

Which I don't.

Then... you know, it wouldn't be
the end of the world...

And she shouldn't tell big bad Hope?

Well, no. That's... That's
like the opposite of what I meant.

Well, not the opposite...
just... not... it.

Well, you know, I'm actually really
surprised you're still here.

Because, you know, I left the bunk
free for you and Mac.

Ahh... We won't be needing that now.

Oh. Problems?

No.

We can talk about it tomorrow
in your session.

Or we can do it right now.

I'm all ears.

Tomorrow's fine.

OK, I'm gonna turn in for the night.

Good girl!

Man, they really fucking
lap that shit up, don't they?

I envy you, Barry.

Yeah, course you do!

No, man, I'm serious.

You show up late to the rally,
incoherent, wasted,

and Kimberley thinks it's cute.
I wish I could be like that.

Yeah, who wants to be
the hotshot hero

- that all the girls drool over?
- It's not even like that...

Nah, nah, nah - much better to be
a shambling mess of a man...

who's only just realised
he's wearing odd shoes.

Don't be so hard on yourself.
You know...

You've got a lot more to offer
than people realise.

You OK?

Are you gonna puke?

I gotta go.

OK...

Chicks cannot take their weed.

Hey... I was just going to bed.

I hope you have enough energy left
for the game today because...

last night...

Wow!

Wow!

Mmmm.

Can't believe I have the pleasure

of a counselling session with Hope
to look forward to today.

You know her and Bobby are convinced

that I was all drunk
and out of control?

You were kind of drunk
and out of control.

I know!

Sometimes, it's OK to just...

give in, go a bit crazy.

Right?

I mean, look at you last night!

Bullshit!

What?

Yup.
Sounds like wish fulfilment to me.

I'm serious. Right on the lips!

I'm telling you, guys like Mac,
they can't take their weed.

Why's Maurice got his mouth
taped up?

I don't know
but I hope it stays that way.

It's an artistic protest. Bobby
won't give him control of the film.

Apparently, he's pissed off at the
rest of the bunk cos there's this

other film he wants to make but
they're all too chicken to do it.

You spend far too much time
with those kids.

Yeah. Weird, huh? Almost like
it's our job or something!

'Incoming! Incoming! Camp Wimoweh

'bus sighted. Let's show these SOBs

'that we can do hospitality.
And where's my goddamn camera crew?'

So wait a minute.
Mac actually kissed you,

and you don't think that's weird?

No, man! People do pretty
crazy stuff when they're caned.

Yup. I know a boy who got a tattoo
of Ross Kemp on his arse.

He-he.

Unbelievable!

It's like that time you and me
sank a bottle of absinthe

and I planted a smackeroonie on you.

What, and you took me off somewhere
nice and romantic to do that?

Like a quiet spot by
a beautiful lake, just the two of us?

No, it was in front of everyone
at the student union.

Exactamundo! Rachael wouldn't be
too happy if she heard about this.

What... Rach...
This has got nothing to do with her!

He was munted. End of story.

Aha! Speak of the devil.

And how are you today, my dear?

Yeah, I'm fine.

I don't know.
You never write, you never call.

I'm starting to think I'm
nothing but a cheap floozy to you.

What... I don't get it.
This some sort of Brit thing?

No, you know.

Last night, we were...

Barry, I have no idea
what you're talking about.

Action!

All right, we want a wide shot.

Then move in slow on me and Pamela.

He says he thinks starting on
a close-up would be better.

I don't care what he thinks!

Bobby, please! Don't embarrass me
in front of Hal and Judy.

Maybe you were right, dude.

Maybe we have been chicken.

Maybe it's time.

Dragon-born!

Always knew there was something
too good to be true about him.

Don't!

Rachael rushed into getting married.

I mean,
how well does she really know him?

Only since they were kids. And
apparently, she was on the rebound

- from some weird, meddling English guy.
- He's all clean-cut.
Mr Healthy Outdoorsman.

There he is, smoking a doobie,
getting caned, planting smooches

on your sweet face.

Is that really the person
she thought she married?

Even if he was a serial killer,

he wouldn't be nearly as annoying
as you right now.

I'm just looking out for Rachael.

And there are two very good reasons
why you should not interfere.

Your girlfriend.

And your ex.

Stay away.

Wouldn't be interfering.

Fine. All right. None of my business.

It's ten o'clock, which means...

The big hand's pointing
at the twelve,

the little hand's
pointing at the ten?

It's time for your session.

Yay!

Pam.

Robert.

It is so good to see you again
in your lovely little camp.

Judy.

Pam, you're looking...

Well, I guess we're all looking
a little older.

You don't.

Thank you, Bobby!

Oh, and you... you definitely don't.

In fact, you're getting younger

and younger every day.

Wouldn't surprise me if one morning,
I woke up in bed with a baby.

Err... So, where's Hal?

Oh, he couldn't make it.

He's got some business to attend to
in Connecticut.

Or maybe he's just scared of seeing
his boys taking a beating at the...

the hands of Beaver Falls.

Umm...
No, he's definitely in Connecticut.

In fact, he's raising funds
for our second camp.

'So, is this the part
where you tell me...'

that I drink too much cos my mommy
didn't hold me right when I was born?

This is the part where I tell you
to stay the hell away from A-Rab.

I'm sorry?

He's my boyfriend
and you're meant to be married,

so get over it!

I don't have any interest in A-Rab.

Oh, really? Because your marriage
doesn't seem exactly perfect.

My marriage is none of your business.

Oh, Rachael.
I feel so sorry for you.

You and Mac clearly have issues,

and I see you buzzing around A-Rab
like a lovesick bee

who can't get enough honey.

How many fingers am I holding up?

What?

I think there's something wrong
with your vision.

You see, it's not me hanging around
A-Rab. It's him "buzzing" around me.

So maybe you should spend more time
worrying about your relationship

and keeping your nose out of mine.
You know what?

I feel a lot better.

You're actually pretty good
at this therapy thing.

Rubberised tiles,

weather-resistant,

94 by 50 feet,

regulation NBA size.

Welcome to the Big League, Judy.

Oh, it's never 94 by 50, Bobby.

And trust me,
there is nothing sadder

than a man that has to lie
about size.

Psyche!

Court doesn't feel very even tome,
Bobby.

Some chloroform, a shovel
and a big fucking hole

and we'd never have to deal with
that bitch again!

Cut, cut, cut!

Delete that.

From the camera and your brains!

Would you get a hold of yourself?

Remember when you and me
used to play, Pam?

A little.

You were the captain
of the women's basketball team.

And the hockey team.
And the swim team.

I used to hero-worship you, I guess.

It is so funny
the way things turn out!

It's not going to be funny
after the game today.

Judy, I'd like you to...

meet Mac, the man
that's going to destroy your team.

Hey.

Hello, Mac.

Well, I believe it's time
for customary coaches' drinks.

Bobby?

Focus!

Can I try?

Uh... Sure.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

From the middle, with my eyes closed.

Just like you.

Seriously?

Mm-hmm.

How did it go with Hope?

Uh...

It was, different.

She seems to think we have issues.

Well, we don't have issues.

That's what I said.

Here we go.

Now you're facing the wrong way.

Here.

OK.

OK?

Yeah.

How did I do?

Three-pointer!

You are such a bad liar.

Hey, you know, maybe Hope's right.

Maybe we do have issues.

You know, issues that are...

so big

we should just blow off college
for a year, go travelling.

Just the two of us.

Whoa! Where did that come from?

We've got no responsibilities.
We've got no ties...

kids.

Hey, I want to see the world
with you.

I want to go
to all those exotic places

like Japan, India and...

Canada.

You know I do. I do!

A proper honeymoon,
just the two of us.

Are you serious?

You think it's a bad idea?

No!

I think it's a great idea.

Yeah?

PJ! You're looking good.

Hey! You're not looking
so bad yourself, Ice.

I've made some improvements.

Check it out.

No way!

Is that me?

We had this bet and whoever lost
had to get

the other's face
tattooed on their arm.

I cannot believe you did that!

You're insane.

You know it!

Hi. Sorry, Flynn.

Ice.

Ice?

It's short.

What for, The Iceman?

For Isaac.

I was named after my grandfather.

God rest his soul.

Later, huh?

Be nice to catch up.

He's got a tattoo of your face
on his arm.

I know. Amazing!

Some might say amazing.
Some might say creepy.

Were you and him...

It's my face, on his arm.

What do you think?

OK. No problem.

I'm cool.

Cool as ice.

Are you a little bit jealous?

No, of course not!

Doesn't matter to me
who you've slept with.

No, of course it doesn't
because then we might have to turn

the spotlight
on to yours or did little past.

I'm not that bad.

Maybe that's why
you want to keep us under wraps.

Keep your options open.

Because for all I know,

you could have slept
with every girl here last summer.

And by the look on your face,
maybe you did.

Not every girl.

All right, Columbo.
What do you want? A list of names?

Yeah. OK.

That'd be cool.

Cool as ice.

Someone's having a good day.

Yeah. Somebody is.

Me and Mac, we're going travelling.

Going on a big, year-long honeymoon.

So your girlfriend
can stop stressing about it all.

Stressing about all of what?

She seems to think you and me
still have feelings for each other.

What?!

No, that's... Get the...

That's crazy talk.

Right!

None of my business.

So, wait. You're just going to
drop out of college

and go scooting around with Mac?

Err... Yup.

So when did he ask you on this...

fantastic voyage?

Just now.

Just now? Right.

I see.

You see what?

No, it's just...

What is wrong with you and Hope?

Why are you so desperate
for me to have problems?

We're not!

I'm not.

OK, if you've got something to say,
then just say it.

I don't want to do this little dance.

So you're just being a jerk, then?

Thank you!

All right.
So, Mac got high last night.

Like, really fucked-up high.

And he snogged Barry.

Is that the best you can do?

Now he's all like, "Let's drop out
of college and hit the road."

- Doesn't that seem a bit weird to you?
- He didn't get high last night.

Believe me, I know that.

I know that on the bed,

on the floor, in the woods,

on the hammock.
Do you want me to go on?

So you think I'm just
making this up?

No, of course not!

You're telling me that my husband
secretly likes to get high

and make moves on men.

You know, you and Hope
are just as bad as each other.

You need to find a hobby,

get out more,

stop obsessing over my life.
Seriously!

Hey!

Umm... Got a moment?

Give me a second.
I'm getting ready for the game.

Hey.

Hey.

So, umm...

last night,

you didn't end up taking drugs
or anything

before you came see me?

I mean, I'm not judging.

I was just sort of liking the whole,

"being married, no secrets" thing.

I can't believe Barry told you!

Umm... yes. I did.

I had one puff of a joint
and it was...

I was stressed. It was stupid.
I don't know why I did it.

Is that all that happened?

Yeah. That's it.

Just, umm...

you didn't somehow end up...

I don't know...

kissing Barry at all?

What?

Wait, who said that? Barry?

No, A-Rab.

And, I mean,
he's not normally a bullshitter.

Well, no.
But he's got his facts wrong

because it was actually
the other way around.

Yeah,
I wasn't going to say anything but

we had a smoke and Barry leans in
and kind of made a pass at me.

Really?!

Well, no. I mean, yeah.
But it's just...

Brits goofing around, right?

You don't believe that.

If you did, you would have
mentioned it to me earlier.

But Barry!

Wow!

Yeah, wow!

Well, well, well. If it isn't my
favourite little gossip girls.

We're not gossiping and...
I'm not a girl.

But you couldn't wait to tell me how
Mac put the moves on Barry.

But you forgot one important
detail - Barry kissed Mac.

Whoa! Barry did what now?

Just Barry being Barry.
It's no big deal.

We should change the topic.

People are spreading shit about
my husband and I'd like it to stop.

It almost sounds like you're
the one stirring up trouble.

It kinda does.

Don't shoot the messenger.

If the messenger's talking bullshit,
I will fire away.

Oh my God!

Oh man. This is gonna be so easy!

Hey, sexy.

What?

Are you deliberately trying to make
us look bad in front of Judy?

Why don't you tell everyone the truth
about you and Mac?

There's nothing to tell.

- Then why go around spreading
lies and rumours?
- Rachael...

I wasn't.

So you made it all up? Cheers, mate.
You landed me right in it!

A-Rab!
Why are you so keen to get involved?

- Kissy, kissy!
- Leave him alone.

No. No, don't leave me alone,
but don't fucking start saying

I'm making shit up.
For fuck's sake, Mac?

"For fuck's sake, Mac?"

Good one!

How about a push-up bra?

Mac?

Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's the
commotion? We have guests!

It's Barry. He's trying to get
it on with your captain.

No, no, that's not basketball,
we don't try to

make out with our fellow players.

That's a very reactionary attitude.
Happily, we run a progressive camp
at Wimoweh.

Beaver Falls is progressive.
We welcome all people.

Straights, gay, er... various.
We love them.

Not physically but... y'know
like family. Cousins. And uncles.

Both. Tell her, Barry.

I'm proud of him!
My-my boy! My big gay boy!

So does this mean you'll be getting
back with Jake now or what?

Hey, whoa!

That's a dumb thing to say. Barry is
as much a man as he always was.

What?

Don't do that!

Unless it's a supportive whistle.

All right, come on! Finish up.
We've got a game to play.

Look, I know you're probably
worried.

I'm not worried.

Oh. Could you pretend to be worried?

OK.

I'm really worried.

You don't have to be.

I'm not gay. And if I was...

I'd be gay for you.

So you'd be a lesbian.

Yes. I would be a lesbian.

But with a penis.

Sort of like a transsexual.

Pre-op.

Obviously.

Are you OK?

I couldn't give a shit whether they
think I'm gay or not.

It's the fact they're using it
to attack me.

You want me to kick their asses?

Nah. It's just...

You're just disappointed in Mac.

Yeah.

I don't get why he didn't just stand
up and tell them all to shut it.

He just sat there.

Maybe you should speak to him.

Find out why. It's not like Mac
to do that.

Fuck him!

Sure, Barry. I know you.

Even though you're pissed off at
him, you're probably going to go
find out if he's OK anyway.

Well... I had a good run while it
lasted.

Here's to a summer of getting the
piss ripped out of me.

Hot pink shorts though.

It's working for me.

Really?

Wimoweh! Wimoweh!

Here it is.

The big list.

This is everyone you slept with
last summer?

Mmm-hmm.

Ladies and gentlemen...
drum roll please.

Jesus, Flynn!

I knew you'd been round the block
a few times,

I didn't realise you'd screwed every
house on the way.

There were extenuating circumstances.

"Frizzy Head". Is that a first name
or a last name?

She's the girl with...

A frizzy head? Yeah I got that.
Thank you.

I know about "extenuating
circumstances" but...

what were you trying to do,
re-populate America?

You're upset.

No, I'm horrified. I'm a little
creeped out. I'm not upset.

Oh! I had this all planned out.
You were going to give it to me.

I was going to tear it up, say, "I
don't need to see this, we're cool."

I just had to take a look, didn't I?

Let's do it again.

And this is it? This is everyone?

Yeah. Everyone.

OK. We're cool.

Ice. Ice. Ice.

Where the hell is Mac?

More importantly, what the hell is
that?

It's our big screen. Hi-tech.

So we can watch the game while it's
taking place,

like in the big leagues.

Demonstrate to Judy that we're not
some low-rent operation.

Of course, because nothing says
opulence

like hanging out your goddamn
washing!

Catch the ball!

Where in the... hell is Mac?!

Hey! I got your apology!

What apology?

Exactly. Luckily Kimberley's cool,
cos you could have really

fucked things up there.
I thought we were mates.

But we are mates.

Why did you spread lies about me?

Why did you tell A-Rab I came on
to you?

Because it was funny. It wasn't
a big deal.

People do whacked-out stuff when
they're wasted,

like this haircut for example.

I didn't do it.

So, what, you were just incredibly
fucked and didn't realise it?

No. High or not, I didn't do it.

You did.

No. I didn't, Barry.

You did and it doesn't matter. It's
no big deal, that's what I'm saying.

Look. See? Mwah!

Mates. Mucking about. No big deal.

I could do it again, even!

Hey! Back on me!

No, dude, behind you.
Something weird just happened.

No, mwah, big, mwah, deal. See?

Barry.

What?

Abort! Abort! Run for the hills!

Run for the bus!

Run for your lives!

Just, run!

I think they might have
been filming that.

Mac?

I don't know what the fuck
I'm going to do, Barry.

Mac, wait!

Hey, guys, look, it's Mac!

Yay!

All right. Now we're cooking!
Come on!

Go, Mac!

Mac attack! Mac attack! Mac attack!

Flynn.

All right, Pam?

No. I'm not all right.

I'm bored, Flynn.
I'm bored of being dutiful,

I'm bored of kissing up to
Sunny Day Leisure Industries.

I'm bored of Bobby who despite mass
evidence to the contrary,

thinks he's God's gift to women.

I just want to throttle that
patronising, overgrown cheerleader.

Doesn't sound like you're having
a great summer.

I'm not.

Bobby and I had an agreement.

So I'm asking myself, if he's not
playing by the rules,

then why should I?

Why shouldn't I have some fun?

So this means you're going to
throttle Judy?

No.

My summer's going to be a lot more
interesting than that.

I'll be seeing you soon, Spencer.

14 down, but we can turn this
around, hey?

Focus, where have you been?

Just give me the fucking ball, OK?

Beaver Falls!

Check out the tail on that!

Check out the beaver on that!

Hey! Stop bullying my gay!

It's the closest he'll ever get to
a beaver!

Ain't so good, is it, now, Judy? Huh?

He's a machine! Yeah! Come on!

Mac Attack!

That's the Mac Attack! That's
a Double Mac with Cheese!

That's a Mac... Mac...

Macaroni!

Guys! Get it hooked up!

What?

He says to keep the camera
on Mac.

He said we'll cut it all together,
put some pounding rock music over
it, montage sequence.

Yeah, baby! Nice one! Whooooo!

Go, Mac!

Whooooo!

Foul!

Foul!
Aw, come on!

Learn how to play the game, fag.

What did you say?

I said learn to play the game...
fag.

Mac, what the fuck?

Mac!

Mac!

Say it again.

Mac!

Someone stop this.

Say it again!

Say it again! Get the fuck off me!

The fucking guy's crazy, Jesus.

What the fuck are all you
looking at?!

The dude just called you a fag.

There's no need to over-react.

Oh, dude.

Mac, wait.

Mac. Hold up a second.

This camp is a disgrace!

You're a disgrace.

This game is void.

They're walking off the court.
Forfeit! Forfeit!

Beaver Falls wins by default!

Beaver Falls!

Man, I can't believe he's gay.

I showered next to that dude!

No. You've got it wrong.
I came onto him. I like men.

And Mac is a man, so I kissed him

because I am a man
who likes other men.

I am a gay.

OK, dude. We've all seen your
porn stash. If you're gay,

then you have this
weird fascination with pussy.

Fine. I'll show you.

What are you doing?

I'm going to show them the video
that you took of me and Mac.

Ladies and gentlemen,
I give you the truth.

You can't show the video.

You can't show the video.

Back off, shorty.

'In a land before time,
one man became a hero.'

What the hell?

'Behold! I am the Dragonborn!'

It's the wrong tape.

You're our only hope.

Us womankind are relying on you.

But I'm just a man. What can I do?

We are so dead.

You OK? You kind of went
full-on psycho on that guy.

Is he OK?

Yeah. He's fine, I guess.

Some bumps and bruises
in the morning.

I get it. It's a sports thing.
Testosterone pumping...

I kissed Barry.

No. You're just saying that
to defend him, right?

Because the jocks were bullying him
and you're a good person...

I'm just saying it
because it's the truth.

I was the one. It was me.

It doesn't matter.
Everyone experiments.

You think I haven't kissed a girl?

I have. I was five,
but it still counts.

Rachael.

It's not like you made out
with another girl.

Then we'd really have a problem.

I'm sorry.

It's fine.

No. I'm sorry.

I'm so fucking sorry.

It's fine. Whatever this is, we can
fix it. We can go travelling...

No. I love you.

I love you... I love you so much.

Don't. Please.

No. No. Mac, Mac, Mac.

Please take it back. Put it back on.

Put it back on. Please!

Please.

I am Dragonborn!
I am Dragonborn!

Hey. Are you OK?

Sure. Just watching my boyfriend
dressed as a beaver

pretending to come out in front
of a group of basketball players.

Yeah. Just another day in
Barry World, isn't it?

Wait, Judy, wait.
I want to say sorry.

On behalf of me and Bobby.

Physical violence has no place
on the sports field.

The value of society can be
measured by how the hosts

treat their guests, and today we
let you and ourselves down.

Well, Pam,
that's very good of you...

Psych!

Ra...

Oh, Rachael, I'm so sorry.

Look. I had to tell her.
I was just looking out for her.

Sure. Saddle up that white horse
and ride on in. I hear you.

No matter what other people
might think.

Other people?

Well, there are those who might say
that you know Rachael pretty well

and you knew exactly
what telling her would do.

Sewing those seeds of doubt
and what-not.

Some may even say
you saw it as an opportunity.

No! What?

That's like the last thing I wanted,
is for her to get hurt.

I want to believe you,

because if any part of you did
see this as an opportunity,

as a way to get back at her,
get her back on the market...

well, that'd be really fucked up,
right?

Yeah.

I know, Rach. I know.
It's going to be OK.

I'm really sorry.

I'm so sorry.

You're not wearing
your wedding ring.

No.

Fuck.

So is this one of those "deep down
you always knew" kind of things?

This is why I said
I envied you, Barry.

You know, you don't pretend to be
something you're not.

You're just... you.

I don't care about me.

I care about Rachael and...
I've fucked up her life.

I don't know what to say.
I'm so sorry.

There's nothing to say, man.

Mac?

Do you think I'm cute?

What?

Am I cute?

Yes, Barry. You're super cute.

I'm not just cute, but hot, right?
I'm a hot dude.

Yeah, sure. You're a hot dude.

Hotter than Flynn?

Don't push it.

Thank you.

The world is ending,

which is why tonight
it's going to be movie night.

Why were you hanging out
with Rachael this morning?

You have sex hair!

I do not.

Who gave you sex hair?

It's our last day on earth together.
What do you do?

That's easy. I'd have a threesome.

I can't, I'm sorry. There's a girl.

There's always a girl.

You don't think people
can come back from a break-up?

He's gay, Jake.

Maybe I'm not talking about them.

Have you seen A-Rab?

Hi.

Hi.

The world is not ending!

At Beaver Falls,
we turn boys into men.

Men America can be proud of.

Manly men.

Send your sons to Beaver Falls
for a summer they won't forget.

It's just a first cut.

This is not what I asked for.

This is so much better.