Beaver Falls (2011–…): Season 2, Episode 3 - Episode #2.3 - full transcript

This is strictly whatever
the opposite of platonic is.

- We're like an old married couple.
- No, no, no! We're not a couple.

So, this doesn't change anything?

No.

I'm sorry if you still
have feelings for me.

Oh, my God!
You are such a shit stirrer!

Let's move!

I can't hear you! What?

You can't trust Hope.

Wow! You are a great kisser.

Rachael! I just heard you're
no longer camp guidance counsellor.



You do know I've never
had a proper girlfriend?

I know. And I don't care.

Let me give you Boyfriend 101.

I used to be cool.
Now I'm just pouncing on nerds!

Bobby! Since last summer,
I've been to therapy,

and I am making
some great big steps.

God! It is so good to be back.

It's cold. It's wet. It's miserable.

I mean, I love England. But here...

Here is something else.

I've got the sun, I've got
me mates with me, I've got you.

My life couldn't be better.

Are you sure
it couldn't get any better?

Cos I could definitely
think of something.



Give me a minute.

OK.

Morris?

It's Maurice.

What the hell happened?!

I happened.

Jake!

Stay back, man! I'm warning you!

Shit! Jake, I'm sorry.

I had to.

That's OK, Barry.

Kimberley, careful! It's Jake.

He's...

Oh, bollocks!

She's the same as me, Barry.

Always has been.

Always will be.

Morning.

Thank you for not being undead.

Thank you for sucking
at video games.

I've corrupted you, you know.

You'd never have gone near one
of those things when we first met.

Hold that thought.

And do not die.

OK.

Shit! I've got to get ready.

My dad's paying a surprise visit.

When does he get here?

He's already arrived.

Captain Murphy!

At ease, soldier.

Didn't realise you'd scheduled
a visit this year.

Kimberley hadn't mentioned it.

Because I didn't want her to know
in advance. It's...

easier that way. She's at that...

difficult age.

The old sneak attack, huh?

Shoot in under cover of darkness,
and bam!

Next thing,
Charlie knows it's all beans

and mother-lovers for breakfast!

Yeah. So, how's she been?

I mean,
I know me and her mother splitting

has been kind of tough on her.

She's been fine.

Reassuring to know she has a strong,
stabilising influence here.

I do my best.

I meant her boyfriend.

Permission to speak freely, Sir?

Granted.

He's a bone-headed moron,

a slack-jawed, drooling numbnut
of terrifying proportions.

You check that attitude
into the door, soldier!

If anything,
he reminds me of myself at that age.

This country could do with
more men like him.

Meeting the parents.
That's the big one.

And I'm all hungover
and my hair's doing that weird thing.

It's OK. You don't have to.

Really? Wait, is this a trap?

You know, I agree with you
and then you get all mad at me?

No, it's not a trap.

I think my dad's found out
I've dropped out of college.

And considering
I kept cashing his cheques...

Ah!

Yeah. Probably facing
a major ass-whooping,

so better if I fly solo
on this one. OK?

OK.

OK.

Morning.

If this was 'Nam, you'd be dead.

Dad.

Kimbo.

Bet you hate me right now, huh?

Surprise visit and all.

Wouldn't be you
if you did things the easy way.

Eye's front.

Good morning, Beaver Falls.

Jesus H Christ,

Elvis Aaron Presley

and the Notorious BIG.

What do they have in common?

They all died under the age of 50.

But you know who didn't?

My beloved wife, Pam,

who today hits
that glorious milestone!

You have got to be kidding me!

Let's hear it for Pam.

50 and still going strong!

I am not 50!

That's right. She's not 50! She's...

21.

All over again.

♪ For she's a jolly good fellow

♪ For she's a jolly good fellow

♪ For she's a jolly good fellow

♪ And so say all of us

♪ And so say all of us

♪ And so say all of us... ♪

Looks like Dad's
really got his game face on.

It's a good choice, too.
It'stotallyher weak spot.

It's a bit childish.

Oh, she deserves it.

♪ And so say all of us. ♪

Wooo! Yeah!

Er, guys, shouldn't you be

doing something?

Shouldn't you?

Good point.

We're mourning our loss.

Lads! Thurston didn't die.
He just went home.

There's legions of jocks out there.

And only three of us left.

Man, we easy meat.

See, the jocks loved
picking on Thurston.

He was like the deflector shield
to our Millennium Falcon.

Now he's gone.

You've got me and A-Rab. Flynn.

Haven't you, eh?

We'll watch your back.

Don't pretend you care about us.
You only care

about following
that lifeguard around.

Yeah! How comes you're not
humping her leg right now?

She went to go meet her dad.

Without you?

Yeah. Without me.

What?

Come on, man.
Wake up and smell the bananas!

She didn't take you to meet her old
man cos she'sembarrassedby you.

Why would she be embarrassed byme?

What?

So, how's Jake?

Jake?

Yeah.

Good.

Has he made up his mind
about enlisting yet?

We could do with a man like him

to help kick the butt
of Johnny al-Qaeda.

We haven't really discussed it.

Speaking of which, why are you here?

Is there some kind of, er...

problem?

No, no!

Nothing major.
Just something I wanted to discuss.

We could do it over dinner.

Invite Jake.
Be great to see him again.

He probably has plans or something.

Well, then, you tell him
it's a direct order, Private!

Happy Birthday, by the way.

Seriously?

No, I mean it.
You know, it's your birthday.

So, have a good one.

Thank you.

I've been avoiding you.

Yeah. I kind of got that.

It's not because of your illness.

I know you probably
don't want to talk about it,

and I'm not the gushy type,

but if you did need
to speak to someone, I'm...

I know. It's all right, thanks.

It's just now that Lori's
bought the camp,

I've got to keep my eye
on the prize.

It was fun though, right?

Yeah, it was.

There's no way Pam's 50.

Course she's not.
She's not even close.

Feel bad for her. Bobby's just pushed

this whole birthday thing
to piss her off.

Maybe you could cheer her up,
you know?

In your own special way,
like last summer.

That's in the past
and staying there.

PJ knows nothing about it,
so zip it.

If you lads need any advice
on your lady friends,

just, you know... I'm happy to help.

Wooo! Kim!

Over here!

I'm not saying
I've got the relationship thing

totally worked out,
but I've totally got it worked out.

Sure you do!

Maybe we should keep moving.

Pleased to meet you, Sir.

See where Kimberley
gets her looks from.

That line probably
works better on mums.

Dad, this is, umm...

A-Rab, Flynn and Barry,

my co-workers.

So, it's hello and goodbye.

Just wanted to say that
your daughter's a...

really special girl.
A real credit to your, umm...

Don't say loins!

..loins.

..loins.
Dad, I need to get back to work.

We'll talk tonight, OK?

Sure. Sure.

See you later, Sir.

I mean, I'd love to spend all day
with you, Dad, but, you know...

She's ashamed of me.

I mean, you only complemented
her father on how pretty he is

and how wonderful
his crotch must be.

Maybe she's got her reasons.

You know, maybe she doesn't think
you're serious about her.

I don't know.
Maybe she knows your reputation.

Maybe she's got issues of her own.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Five second rule in effect.

What?!

Mate, whenever you give advice,

it takes five seconds for it to be
all about you and your problems.

That was abouthim,not me!

Yeah!

She said it was about
dropping out of college,

but that's no reason for her
not to introduce me.

Probably screwed up.

I shouldn't have moaned.

I should've insisted
that I went with her.

Itwasa trap.

Wait a minute. Your girlfriend, who
we're not even allowed to call that,

won't admit you're together,

and yours is pretending
you're a total stranger.

Now, I'm not saying I've got
this whole relationship thing

figured out,
but I've totally got it figured out.

I just need to catch up with her
and apologise, you know?

Be really enthusiastic.

Super enthusiastic!

You look like a serial killer!

Ow! What the hell?!

Shit! Sorry,
I thought you were the door.

Is Kimberley there at all?

No, asshole!

Right. Well, I'll just wait inside,
then, shall I?

Hello!

Skins.

Skins, skins, skins.

OK.

OK. I'm going to close my eyes,

and when I open them,

you are not going to be
a positive pregnancy test!

One...

two...

Oh, fuck!

Ready for an encore?

We should be getting out there...

Oh, what is that smell?

Is that...repression?

No, No, No! No, No!

All that stuff about British blokes
being sexually hung up is...

you know, it's bollocks.

Really? You guys are so famous
for being inhibited,

it's actually athing?

Wow, that explains a lot!

No, we're not.

Mmm-hmm.

I'm not.

- Right. Fine.
- All right...yeah.

What about that? Is that repressed?

Huh, is that repressed?

Wooh!

Yeah! Yeah!

- Woooo!
- Yeah! Is that repressed? Huh?

Oh, shit!

Oh, God!

Sorry that's...my fault.

No, I just didn't think
that you'd still be doing

whatever it is that you're doing.

We'll be out soon.

Well...soonish.

Sorry, I know we've been
using it a lot lately.

But, you know, if you and Mac ever
want to use it for some privacy,

just say the word!

No, it's fine.

Oh, God. That doesn't sound good.

Do you want to talk about it?

No, I just mean...it's fine.

OK.

Bye!

Awk-ward!

High five!

You can't use your hands in soccer!

I saw you pick the ball up earlier!

Hey.

Hey.

Have you seen A-rab?

I'm not sure I'm getting
the subtle details of this sport.

Yeah. I saw him.

All of him.

Him and Hope are in my cabin.

The two of them are...

baking...cookies.

A big pile of cookies.

I think they've been baking
all morning.

Well, they've just started,
uh...

cooking together.

You know how it is in the beginning.
You want to bake all the time.

You know, it'd be nice if we could
use the kitchen sometimes.

It has been a while.

I just think, you know,

we've got the culinary skills,
we might as well use them.

Get together later
and bake a big box of cookies.

Sure, sounds good.

OK.

He's taking this quite well.

Absolutely. I'm impressed.

My life is over!

Such a mature, considered reaction.

Yeah. He's got the whole foetal
position and the whimper...

do I detect a bit of thumb?

Laugh it up, fuzzballs!

Facts are facts! She's pregnant!

- I'm going to be a dad!
- It might not be yours.

I mean,
it might not be Kimberley's test.

You know how girls
like to share everything.

It was inherdrawer, Flynn.

Beneathherstuff. It's not PJ's.

No, it's Kimberley's.

It's mine!

Well, go and talk to her.
Show her you can be a grown up.

You wanted to show her how serious
you were about the two of you.

Yeah, but that was then,
before the...

What else you going to do? Run?

That would be a bad thing, right?

No, no, no. That would be great.

You run away and leave her
to deal with everything.

Start a new life under
an assumed name. Genius!

It's just, this is
my first proper girlfriend

and I really...I really like her,

but I'm just a big fucking kid!

You know, I love toys,
computer games.

I thought Transformers
was a good movie.

Even the sequels?

Especially the sequels.

The last one didn't make sense.

Why did the Autobots pretend
to leave Earth?

The Decepticons had to think
they were dead.

But that allowed the Decepticons
to kill thousands of people.

But Optimus Prime said that

the human beings had to realise
that they needed the Autobots,

and it gave them
the element of surprise!

Guys...guys, guys, GUYS!

We're going a bit off-topic.

Barry, just go and speak to her.
Trust me.

God, that's probably why
she didn't want me to meet her dad.

Had nothing to do with college...no!

She was going to tell him
about our b...

- ..about our baby.
- Baby, yes.

I really have to discuss this
with her.

Yes...yes!

Yes?

Yes.

Why are you pretending to your dad
that you're still with Jake?

Because I haven't told him
that I've dropped out of college.

Oh, so you think that alone
is bad enough,

but throw new boyfriend,
Barry, into the mix...

You really care
about impressing him, huh?

You know what I think?

I think, fuck it!

It's nobody else's business
what you do.

You should just tell him the truth.

Sure.

Just like you do.

Telling your mom and your dad and
everyone else about you and Flynn...

Oh, it's very funny!

No, I see what you did there.

- It's really good.
- Oh, thanks.

He hasn't even told me
why he's here.

You OK?

Yeah, I...

I just feel like
someone's watching us.

Is it really? It can't be!

Comrades, our prayers
have been answered!

Hello campers!

I trust you are all having
a wonderful Pamela Day.

I know I am!

'On a day like today, you can just
let all your worries slip away!

'And remember, if you see Pam,

'be sure to wish her
a happy birthday.

'Our special girl can't hear it
enough times!'

Happy Birthday Pam!

Happy birthday!

Hey, Pam, happy birthday!

'And don't forget, not long
till Pam's Big Birthday Bash!

'And now, a golden oldie
for my lovely wife,

'which will take her
way, way, way back,

'to her younger days.'

- # You make me feel so young... #
- It's not that funny.

It is to me!

Right now, Mom'll be about to
burst a blood vessel!

When did you become such
a spoilt brat?

When did you start giving a shit?

I just hate her birthdays, OK?

She always used to make me dress up
like some stupid Barbie.

You've had such a hard life, PJ!

When I was sixteen. I said,
"Fine, I'll wear the goddamn dress."

So I'm upstairs getting ready,

and Kenny, my boyfriend at the time,
drops round.

Mom shows him in,

and she fixes him a drink.

And by the time
I got downstairs,

she was making out with him
on the couch.

I'm standing there,
looking like a fucking idiot,

in this hideous dress.

And you know what she said to me?

What did she say?

She said...

I can't believe that
you were buying this

Hallmark Movie of the Week
bullshit! Come on!

For one lovely moment, I thought you
were being straight with me.

Aw! Cry me a river.

You spend so much of your time
trying to convince people

you don't give a shit about your
parents, about me, about anything!

You know what? I'm convinced.
You win.

Good! Mission accomplished!

I'm so glad we kept this whole
thing...casual.

Now I don't have to stand here

and put up your with
your bullshit any more.

Have a nice day.

♪ And every time I see you grin

♪ I'm such a happy individual... ♪

It's all about angles.

Down, together...perfect!

You'll be hitting homers
before the summer's through.

Kim!

Hey, listen, I heard this rumour
that the Captain's in town.

Is that..?

Yeah, he actually invited you
to join us at dinner tonight.

OK. He doesn't know that we split?

Ah...no.

How about you dropping
out of college?

I sort of keep him
on a need to know basis.

Sounds like you could use some
back up.

So, yeah. Dinner sounds good.

Oh, I sort of didn't mean that
as an invitation.

What is it? The beard and the hair,
right?

Well, I will have you know

that I have the electric shaver
charging up as we speak.

Besides, kinda starting to forget
what my chin looks like.

Well, actually, yeah.

It would be good
if you'd join us at dinner.

Take some of the heat off of me.

Probably best not to mention it to,
uh...

Barry?

Sure, I get it.

He's a cool guy and everything,

but he's not exactly
the Captain's type.

So, yeah, don't sweat it.

You can depend on me.

Finally, a little privacy!

No, wait, what are we doing here?

We...are having hot, steamy,
marital relations.

In the middle of the day?

I've got my bunk waiting to go
water-skiing!

When else are we going to have time?

What do you think
I brought you here for?

- To show you my awesome new job
cleaning dishes?
- I dunno...

I just wasn't thinking about
getting hot and steamy.

You're a man. You should be thinking
about it every seven seconds.

How...about...now?

Uh...yeah.

Now I am.

You must just have
caught me off-guard

in that seven second window.

Hope!

What are you doing here?

Oops! Hey, Mac!

Hey. How's it going?

"How's it going?"
Are you kidding me?

Super sorry! I had no idea

that you guys would be
getting it on in the kitchen.

In the middle of the day.
With the door unlocked.

Yeah, me neither.

Well, it's good to see you guys
have got it simmering again, Rachael!

OK, I'll go. Sorry!

No, it's cool.

It's far from cool. Just...

Fuck off?

Yes! That. Thank you.

Rachael!

No. It's fine!
Just consider me fucked off!

I just meant, "Don't worry about it.
It's no big deal."

It is a big deal.
We never get any time alone.

You should think that this
is a big deal.

She didn't barge in on purpose.

You don't know her. I think she did.

You don't know her either.

You've only known her a few weeks.

Give her a chance.

It's not easy with you
sniping at her all the time.

She's harmless.
A little goofy, but in a fun way.

Oh, well, I'm glad
thatshe'sfun.

Oh, no, come on...

You know, you go enjoy
your water-skiing.

I have dishes to scour.

Yay me!

Yes!

Oh!

Oh...I got...

Ow!

I think we've a championship winning
team shaping up here!

Am I right?

Hey, thanks, man.

All right. One more.
But this time, home run.

I'll show you how to do it.

I know what's going on.

Oh, no, it's
not...we're just friends.

That's all. Friends.

It's nothing to worry about...

No, no, not that.

It's OK.

I know.

Know what?

I was in your bunk earlier
and I was sort of...

looking for skins and...I found it.

Found what?

The baby thing.

The pregnancy test.

Barry...

Is it mine?

What?

It's just that you didn't tell me
about it.

I had to find out myself.

Wait. Let me get this straight.

You think I'm pregnant,

and the first question you ask me
is, is it yours?

Yes, Barry. It's yours.
You're going to be a father.

Now fuck off and leave me alone.

Kim!

Leave me alone!

- Ow!
- Yeah, that's perfect!

Getting older sucks.

You guys have no idea how much.
Honestly, I envy you.

What happened?

Shut the fuck up, man!

What happened? Life happened.

We asked one hundred people

the stupidest thing someone can
say

to their girlfriend when
they find out she's pregnant...

Can we not focus on how
much of an arse I am,

and look at the bigger picture?

Once I was carefree,

and now the weight of the world
is crashing down upon me.

I can't raise a kid.

I don't have a job,
I don't have any cash.

Well...look at me.

I'm Barry.

I'm hungry.

Dude!

Yeah. Me too.

Wait...

Thurston?

Oh, man! Your grief is totally
messing with your mind!

Yeah, you know Thurston went home!

Move aside.

We can't. Um...the jocks...

They superglued us to the ground.

Move!

Oh!

He couldn't handle
life on the outside!

Guys, Bobby is going to go apeshit
if he finds out.

He's gonna kick my arse out of here

if he knows I've been
harbouring a fugitive.

And then I'll never
see my unborn child.

Mind you, the ways things are going,

I'll probably never see it anyway...

or Kim.

Doesn't matter.

Either way, I sort of have to
report this.

Oh, come on!

Please don't tell on me!
I don't want to go home!

Look, we're not
letting Thurston down.

If he goes, we all go.

Look at you all.

You wouldn't give up on him.

You've got the courage
of your convictions.

I salute you.

You're better men
than I could ever be.

Hey! Brings us back some food!

Our boy is starving here!

Mac!

Hope will be very upset

if she finds out we're doing
something sinful in her office.

Better hurry up then!

Whoa, wait.Just...

Hi!

What is this, an intervention?

No, no, no.

I just thought it would be fun
for the four of us

to have a drink before the party.
That's all.

And Hope thought so too.

She just wants to get to know you.

I spend enough time with her
as it is.

Yeah, but that's work stuff.

This is different.

Hey, did you ever see that movie
The Fox and The Hound?

No.

Oh, well, they're meant to be
enemies, because that's their job.

But they actually become
really good friends.

Or maybe one of them
kills the other one.

I don't remember.
It's ages since I saw it.

Anyway, what I'm trying
to tell you is...

Yeah, I kinda got the message.

..that you're a total fox.

Oh! Well...thank you.

So come on. It's just a drink.
It'll be OK.

This is a wack plan!

There's a party. There's food.

We can feed our boy
to his heart's content.

This is a great plan!

Two reasons why it sucks.

One, it's not fucking Halloween.

And two, it's not fucking Halloween!

You didn't complain
when I dressed you up like a pirate.

Couldn't we have just, you know,

have brought food back
to the bunk for Thurston?

No. My plan's better.

Here we go!

A-Rab has to say something nice to...

Rachael! And it better be good,

otherwise, it's shot-o'clock!

Uh, she's...

..American.

Lame answer, buddy!

Yeah, dr-ink!

You guys used to date.

So you probably have plenty of
sweet things to say about her.

This game is stupid.

No, it's OK, come on.

She's a great dancer, or...

she does a mean
Schwarzenegger impression.

Or...she's hot in the sack.

No.

What? She's not?

No, I mean...how would I know?

You know we didn't uh...

No way! You guys...not even once?

We don't have to discuss
my sex life, thank you!

I'm sorry.
I really didn't mean to offend you.

It's just knowing A-Rab like I do...

that just really surprises me.

It wasn't like, you know,
I didn't...want to.

I mean, there were feelings.

Big feelings.

Huh...

Or small ones.

You know, I mean, it was ages ago.

I mean who remembers this stuff?!

We just, er...didn't....
Whose go is it?

Well, I think it's
a really good answer.

Because A-Rab's basically saying

that you're a pure
and virtuous woman.

And I'll drink to that.

What do you want?

Some of what you're hiding
behind your back.

Just don't mention my damn birthday.

You're sitting in my thinking spot.

And what do you have to think about?

I have to grow up
and be a man for Kimberley and...

Yeah. When I said,
"What do you have to think about?"

I actually meant,
"Shut up and stop talking".

I'm not 50. I'm not even close.

But I'm scared of turning 50,
and Bobby knows that.

So he's making my birthday
a personal hell day.

Well, just sitting here and getting
stoned just means he's won.

What do you think I should do?

Show up at the party? Big smile?

Yeah. It's your party.

Fuck it, if it's
for the wrong reasons.

Bobby deals you lemons,
make lemonade.

The happier you are,
the more miserable he'll be.

Thanks!

Wait, it's your turn now.

I just gave you the big,
inspirational speech.

Now you have to do the same for me.

That's the rules.

Ooh...

You're out of shape, Barry.

I bet you like to watch
a lot of movies, right?

So in this one,
the geek got the prom queen.

Well, yeah.

Although I like to think of myself
as more of a hipster than a geek.

So what do you think happens
after the credits roll?

Do you really think the prom queen
stays happy with her choice?

That the geek's goofy charm
doesn't wear thin?

That the jock stays out the picture

and doesn't come back bigger
and stronger for the sequel?

You need to up your game
if you want to hang onto her.

I think I really fucked up though.

Then go fix it
while you've still got the chance.

Nice one!

Thanks!

Hey!

Can't leave now!
Pam's party's about to start.

It's just for dinner.

We have cake! And nibbles!

And sausage things!

She'd be heartbroken
if you ducked out of her party.

You have to be there!

We have reservations.

Cancel 'em! This is a once
in a lifetime opportunity. Say yes!

Go on! Yes! Go on!

Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!

OK, we hear you loud
and clear, Bobby.

We'll rendezvous at the party later.

Dad, I thought you wanted to talk.

OK, so I panicked before.

But now the panic is over.

Not now!

I'm happy that you're pregnant.

And I am going to be the best dad
that I can be.

Now we're going to struggle a bit
at first but...

You're pregnant?!

She hasn't told you?

I'm not pregnant.

You are. She really is.

She's actually beginning to show.

What about your life?
What about college?

How could you be so stupid?

College doesn't matter
because she's dropped out...

Barry, shut up!

It wasn't a pregnancy test.

It was a water purity tester.

I'm a lifeguard!

What?! But you said...

No, you said!

I've been to hell and back
over this!

And you deserved it! "Is it mine?!".

Who the heck is this guy?

I'm Barry.

Barry the boyfriend.

Son, I don't know
what your malfunction is,

but you need to get your facts
straight.

You seriously think she'd be
interested in a guy like you?

And for your information, soldier,

before Bobby stepped in,

me, Kim and her boyfriend
were on our way out to dinner.

Jake...you're...Jake again.

Oh, God. Pam is a prophet!

Jake, this asshole's claiming
to be my girl's boyfriend.

If you want to kick his butt,
I'll stand aside.

You told your dad
you were still with Jake?

It's not that simple.

Either you did or you didn't!

Either you're going out
for dinner, or not.

And, Jesus,
he looks fucking handsome!

So just tell me
what the hell is going on?

I'm sorry.

So, bad timing and everything,
but are we going to dinner or not?

Hope!

Hmmm...

Just one thing.

Just say one nice thing.

Maybe about her hair?

Aw!

No...

Nope! Sorry! I got nothing!

Rules of the game, right?

I keep going until I can think
of something nice to say about you?

Well, yeah, but...

No, no! That's what makes the game
so fun!

OK. Hmmm...

Still nothing. Weird!

Wooh!

Rachael, just say anything.

Uh...she's one of the guys?

She's great for A-Rab.

Say anything!

Actually, I do admire her ability

to use sex to get guys' attention
and to make herself feel better.

I wish I could do that!

Drink!

I can't believe you dropped
out of college.

You should have informed me, stat.
Priority one.

I thought you knew,
it's why you came here.

For the big lecture.

No, that's not why.

Look, I know you have this whole
college plan mapped out for me,

and I'm sorry I'm not that girl
and...

...why are you here then?

I've met someone.

Oh.

Her name's Phoenix.

She's, um...

..a little younger than...

How much younger?

She's 21.

And...she's also carrying
my child.

Does Mom know?

I thought it might be...

better coming from you.

You're incredible, you know that?

You seriously expect me
to do your dirty work for you?!

I am your father!
You do not speak to me like that!

And you certainly don't occupy
the moral high ground, young lady.

Not since you quit college and
you're dating that...that thing!

That thing is named Barry!

You know, Barry has his faults,

but he is a decent, honest person.

He says what he thinks,

even though sometimes
it's borderline incomprehensible.

If he's so great, Kimbo,

why did you pretend that Jake
was still your boyfriend?

So if Kimberley's not pregnant,

then why did you think
she was in the first place?

Because of the water tester.

I've got no idea what that is.

It's something that
looks like a pregnancy test

if you're a fucking moron.

How's our baby daddy?

False alarm.

At least someone has some good news.

I just had to sit through
the party game from hell.

Did it involve your girlfriend

pretending Jake
was still her boyfriend

because she's so embarrassed of you?

Obviously not.

Mine did. I win. Again.

It's just like my dream.

Him, her, her dad...

they're vampires. And I'm not.

I'm normal blood.

Jake and Kim are going to
end up together.

And I'm just...in the way.

Hey, man.

I had no idea that Kimberley told
her dad that we were still together.

I'm as horrified as you are.

Yeah, I'm sure you are.

All torn up inside, shedding
your fucking vampire tears.

I'm really not getting this
vampire thing.

No idea.

Barry. You're obsessed with
this divide. The jock. The geek.

They're just labels. We're men.
We're the same.

I feel your pain, your anger.

If you want to hit me,
just go ahead. Do it.

I'm not going to fight back.

What's the point?

I'd probably just break my hand
on your perfect fucking jaw line.

Phew...Jake looks good!

Damn!

Having fun?

You know, Bobby, I actually am.

It's a real blast.

Dude, everyone's staring at us.

"Hide him in plain sight."

A brilliant plan,
even if I do say so myself.

You're wearing a dress.

Yep. And I feel like a dick.

Happy birthday and all that.

Aw, you did this for me? Thank you.

Er, yeah, sure.

Party!

Rachael!

It's OK.

You! Come dance with me.

It's a fun game! You got to just
spin the bottle and say nice things.

No, come on. Baby...

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

I think it's super-nice...

that Pam is such a good wife and mom

that she made out
with PJ's boyfriend at the prom.

It's good to share, right?

Yeah, it wasn't the prom, actually.

It was her birthday, so... I guess
today's a big day for me too.

Yay, me!

PJ...

And you know,

I also think it's lovely
that you guys are so screwed up

that you can't even admit
how much you like each other.

Thanks.

Mm-hm. Boom! Who's next?

I'm sorry. I didn't realise...

Yeah, well, now you do.

So why did you wear the dress?

So that you wouldn't think
that I was a spoiled brat.

Who's next?

Stop this right now!

I don't really know which one
of you he's pointing to,

but you are a little too old for him

and he hasn't had sex with me
for weeks.

So what would be great
is if that could change...

right here, right now.

Mac, restrain your wife!

We're married
and we get do whatever...

Uh...

Hello?

What did Rachael say to you?

Just that I was an idiot
for making you feel guilty

about your mum's birthday.

No, she didn't.

She said some slurred stuff
about you and me.

And how we can't let each other
know how we feel.

Can we just skip the part
where we discuss feelings?

Let's just say that you're a...

a really bad boyfriend
and I'm a really good girlfriend.

Cos I'm gonna say that's cool.

You know, we don't have to talk
about it.

We'd have to be boyfriend
and girlfriend for that to work.

OK.

Then it's cool.

Dress is pretty hideous, though.

Why, thank you!

Just don't make out with my mom, OK?

Let's just not involve them
at all, huh?

Oh. Oh.

I'd like my boyfriend
to meet my dad.

Yeah, well, I think Jake's
over there somewhere.

I'd like you, my boyfriend,
to meet my dad.

Hello, Mr...Kimberley.

I'm Barry. Barry the boyfriend.

There's probably a few things
you should know about me.

I'm wearing
your daughter's underwear.

Also, I don't enjoy any forms of
sport unless they're computerised.

Oh, and I think the healthcare
provision in your country

is a total joke. Also, I don't have
any savings in the bank.

Whatsoever. Or a job.

Or a prospect of ever getting one.

And if he ever has a child,
he's going to name it Lando.

Regardless of gender.

Also, I am in love
with your daughter.

I do love you.

I know.

Nice to meet you.

Sir.

Ow...

Drunk. On camp. And during my
special event. I've no choice.

It's an instant dismissal.

You can't do that, surely.

Yes, I can.

Well, what I think A-Rab is trying
to say is that it's not a wise move.

You'll have to log a dismissal
reason with head office

and since you're in charge...

What, you're saying it's my fault?

No, I'm saying you need
to shut this down,

and make sure you don't
take any heat.

I'll make sure she gets
some counselling

for her alcohol
and behavioural problems.

Three times a week.
That should cover our backs.

Fine. Yeah, make it so.

And what about the...the child?

Same situation.
Unregistered on camp property.

Potentially nasty lawsuit?

Mm-hm. I'll re-register him.
Backdate it.

Call his mother, make it right.

You see, me and Thurston,
we have a special understanding.

Don't we, Thurston?

You're so tall.

And such an idiot.

I have a mission for you, soldier.
Operation Daddy's Girl.

You're under direct orders
to win back my daughter.

Storm that beach, son, and hold it.

No foreigner's going to sully
my little piece of America.

You copy that?

Negative.

What?!

You really want her to go out
with a guy like that?

No, no, no.
You didn't let me finish.

See, a direct approach,
it's not gonna work.

The defences are too strong.
Covert operation, sir.

We sneak in.

Win the war before the enemy
even realises the battle's begun.

I like your thinking, soldier.

Thank you, sir.

Hey, guys.

May I?

Uh...

That's OK. Yeah, that's cool.

OK.

Thanks.

Ooh.

Oh, hey.

Tomorrow, Camp Wimoweh send
their basketball team here.

This year we have a secret weapon.

The mighty...

Macca!

So you think you'll score tomorrow?

I hope so.

Mm, and how about tonight?

Not the night before the game,
got to keep the powder dry.

The night before
or the week before?

Hope doesn't need to know.

Hope doesn't need to know what?

This is where I tell you
to stay the hell away from A-Rab.

Because your marriage doesn't seem
exactly perfect.

PJ. You're looking good.
Be nice to catch up.

Are you a little bit jealous?

No, of course not.

Fuck are all you looking at?!

You didn't somehow end up...
kissing Barry?

And then I said, "I love you".

And she said?

"I know."

Mate, she totally Leia'd you.

Empire Strikes Back.
Princess Leia to Han. "I love you."

"I know."

I can't be Leia,
I always thought I was Han.

I'm Han.
I'm Luke.

Well, who the hell am I, then?

Chewbacca.