Batman: The Animated Series (1992–1995): Season 1, Episode 7 - Joker's Favor - full transcript
An ordinary man finds himself forced to assist The Joker in one of his crimes.
THEME MUSIC PLAYING
Play one of the best new FPS shooters,
search Steam for PROJECT WARLOCK
HORNS HONKING
RADIO ANNOUNCER: ...has escaped today.
He is armed and considered
extremely dangerous. If seen...
Oh, swell. Some nut makes trouble,
and for that, they preempt the ballgame.
Perfect ending to an awful day.
Boss turns me down for a raise,
our kid needs braces,
and Bonnie's making meatloaf for dinner.
SIGHS
At what point exactly
did I become life's punching bag?
POLICE SIRENS WAILING
Huh?
What's their hurry?
TIRES SCREECHING
Sheesh.
Go on, push me aside, big shot.
No reason anyone should move over
and make way for Charlie Collins.
—Hey!
—TIRES SCREECHING
Oh, that's it. No signal, no nothing.
Just treat me like I don't exist.
Sorry, comrade. Not this time.
TIRES SCREECHING, ENGINE REVVING
Hey,buddy.
Yeah, I'm talking to you, clown.
You think you own the whole road?
Why, for two cents, I'd...
Huh?
GASPS
CHUCKLES
That was The Joker.
l cussed out The Joker.
TIRES SCREECHING
EXCLAIMING
Where'd all the cops go?
EXHALES
GASPS
TIRES SCREECHING
TIRES SCREECHING
Go, go, go.
—Come on, come on.
—ENGINE SPUTTERING
PANTING
GASPS
There's your two cents.
Now, what are you going to do to me?
Listen, I'm sorry, really.
I had a bad day.
Boss turned down my raise and...
Now, look, my rude friend.
We can't have people cursing
at each other on the freeway.
It's simply not polite.
I'm just going to have to teach you
some manners.
Please don't.
l have a family.
A wife, a little boy. Please.
I'll do anything to make it up.
Anything.
"Anything," says you?
Uh—huh.
Okey—dokey.
Wallet.
Sure. I don't have much cash.
Oh, please. Don't insult me.
"Charles Michael Collins." That's you.
CLICKING TONGUE
Lousy picture, though.
Lousy.
"Address, height, weight."
Blah, blah, blah.
Righty—o, Chuckers.
Here's the deal.
I'll let you off,
if you promise to do
a little favor for me.
Okay. What?
I don't know!
I haven't thought of it yet.
You just toddle on back to your mundane,
meaningless little life,
and when I need you, I'll call.
Fair?
Good. Great!
I'll be in touch.
JOKER LAUGHING
GORDON: It's a waste
of time, money and manpower.
If I had the authority to block it,
I would.
Come on, Commissioner.
It's free eats,
and you get your picture in the paper.
It's a good deal.
"Testimonial in honor
of Police Commissioner, James Gordon.
"Tuesday night,
the Gotham Peregrinators Club."
Blasted waste of time.
BATMAN: Most of the force
would disagree with you.
SCOFFS If anyone should be
getting a testimonial, it's you.
I'm just the night shift.
You deal with this mess 24 hours a day.
That's what those people want to honor.
Okay, okay. What the heck.
It's a fancy club, good food.
Could be fun.
You don't know where
I can rent a tux, do you?
WIND WHISTLING
I hate it when he does that.
TELEPHONE RINGING
l arranged another early parole,
as soon as I heard
about Gordon's testimonial.
Phoo!
It is to laugh, huh, Mr. J?
I ask you, Harley,
who's given more hours of amusement
to the Gotham Police Force than me?
No one, Mr. J.
I deserve...
Nay. Demand the right
to honor our dear commissioner as well.
Hear, hear.
WHISTLING
WHISTLING
Huh?
Oh!
Gonna call in a specialist, boss?
No, no.
Just an old friend,
who's dying to do me a favor.
LAUGHING
GRUNTS Good one, Kenny.
Go out for a long bomb.
TELEPHONE RINGING
I got it.
Hello?
JOKER: Hello, Charlie.
Wrong number, pal.
My name is Don.
Oh, no, no, no.
This is the right number,
Charles Michael Collins.
I don't know why
you changed your name to Don Wallace
and moved your family
to 12 Marigold Lane,
Springdale, Ohio.
One might think you were trying
to skip out on our little deal.
Leave the sideburns.
How did you find me?
Oh, I never lost you, Chaz.
You've become my hobby.
LAUGHING
Now, listen up, Charlie Brown.
You're booked on the next flight
to Gotham.
Tell the family you have to visit
a sick friend.
Oh, and let's keep this
to ourselves, okay?
Bad things happen to people who gossip.
Capisce, Carlo?
Yeah.
Good. See you.
ANNOUNCER: ON PA Gotham Air flight 32,
now arriving from Springdale.
CHARLIE: This is crazy.
I can't believe I'm doing this.
If only I had some way to,
I don't know, call him.
Hi!
The car is this way, Charlie.
Jumping Jiminy Christmas!
Charlie Collins!
It's been forever.
How are you, man?
You look great.
Lost a little weight.
Lost a little hair, too. LAUGHS
Oh, Charlie.
Charlie, Charlie, Charlie.
So, ready to do me that little favor?
Please, don't make me hurt anyone.
Not to worry, Chuckers.
As soon as you've done my favor...
...I'II send you right back home.
I promise.
Okay, Chaz.
When Harley knocks on the door
three times, you open it.
—And?
—Thafsit
Wait. That's the favor?
You called me here just to open a door?
Well, look at the size
of that cake, man!
She can't open the door
and push it in all at once!
Think!
He is nuts.
Not bad.
BURPS LOUDLY
SLURPS LOUDLY
Congratulations, Jim.
I'm sorry I won't be
able to stay for dinner.
Hmm. The life of a busy socialite.
Any way I could sneak out with you?
CHARLIE: A room filled with cops,
and no way to warn them.
If there were just some way
to call Batman.
Oh... No way.
It'd never work.
Not in a million...
Well, maybe.
WHIRRING
Not staying for dinner, sir?
Not with The Joker on the loose.
Sir, I believe you may be needed inside.
Huh?
GORDON: I'm honored that
Gotham's finest turned out to rub elbows
with this tired old beat cop.
You eating that roll, Montoya?
I'm really, very touched.
KNOCKING
—And I'll conclude by saying...
—WHISTLING
Don't stop now, Jimmy.
The party's just starting!
Baby doll. Entertainment.
Hey,sugan
You want to read me my rights?
You have the right to remain silent.
SCREAMING
Jerk.
PEOPLE MURMURING
CLEARS THROAT
Here's to Gotham's Commissioner G.
You lock up the weirdos,
the crooks and the geeks.
You're a hero to all the boys in blue.
But this time, baby,
the joke's on you.
WHISTLING
PEOPLE SCREAMING
COUGHING
PARTY HORN BLOWS
Yes!
Another stunning Joker entrance
leaves the crowd speechless.
Let's hear it for him, folks.
CHEERING
WHOOPING
Gee! Tough audience.
Commissioner!
I'm here to present you
with a small token of affection,
from me and all the guys
doing 25 to life.
Wear it in good health,
all remaining 59 seconds of it.
Toodles. LAUGHING
Wait. You promised to send me home.
I never said alive.
You dirty, evil...
GRUNTS
Sayonara, sucker.
JOKER LAUGHING
Batman!
The commissioner's medal, it's a bomb!
Guess I'll need a new hobby,
now that old Charlie is... Pfft!
Macramé's nice.
EXPLOSION
That came from outside!
Rocko! Henshaw!
I smell a bat!
Quick! To the van!
Uh, Mr. J.
Okay. We'll tough it out here.
He called you his hobby?
Yeah.
For two years,
he watched me like a bug in a jar.
Watched and laughed,
and threatened my family.
I had no choice, Batman, really.
ALL GROANING AND COUGHING
The gas is wearing off.
Stay with the cops.
GRUNTS
YELLING
GRUNTS
METALLIC CLANGING
GASPS
I know. You're thinking,
"What a shame.
"A pure, innocent little thing like her
"led astray by bad companions."
Right. Tell me another.
Oi! Beauty school is starting to look
pretty good about now.
JOKER LAUGHING
JOKER LAUGHING
Ingenious, the way they reconstructed
this temple.
Completely accurate,
right down to the poison—tipped darts.
GASPS
The drop—away floor
is a nice touch, too. Hah!
JOKER GRUNTS
SHUDDERS
Catch! LAUGHING
Hold it!
Oh, come on! CHUCKLES
I said, hold it!
GRUNTS
You miserable little nobody!
If I get caught,
your wife and son are history!
You're not getting caught,
not this time.
I found this blown out of the van.
This is how it ends, Joker.
No big schemes,
no grand fight to the finish
with the Dark Knight.
Tomorrow, all the papers will say,
"Is that the great Joker was found
blown to bits in an alley,
"alongside a miserable little nobody?"
Kind of funny. Ironic, really.
See, I can destroy a man's dreams, too.
And that's really the only dream
you've got, isn't it?
Look, Charlie. You've had a busy day.
All this running around,
all this excitement with...
SHOUTS ...Batman!
Stop. You're crazy.
I had a good teacher. LAUGHS
Say good night, Gracie.
Batman! Batman!
How long have you been there?
Long enough.
Put it down, Charlie.
You know he'll just escape again.
This is the only way
my family stays safe.
All right. You win. Take it easy.
Here's everything on his blasted family.
Names, addresses, it's all there.
You're no fun anymore, Charlie.
Hey, Joker.
GASPS, SCREAMS
Huh?
Gotcha.
CHUCKLES
Oh. Very funny. A million laughs.
Go home, Mr. Collins.
Home. I never thought
that could sound so good.
Wonder what Bonnie's making for dinner.
Right now, anything would taste great.
Even meatloaf.
THEME MUSIC PLAYING
English — SDH
Play one of the best new FPS shooters,
search Steam for PROJECT WARLOCK
HORNS HONKING
RADIO ANNOUNCER: ...has escaped today.
He is armed and considered
extremely dangerous. If seen...
Oh, swell. Some nut makes trouble,
and for that, they preempt the ballgame.
Perfect ending to an awful day.
Boss turns me down for a raise,
our kid needs braces,
and Bonnie's making meatloaf for dinner.
SIGHS
At what point exactly
did I become life's punching bag?
POLICE SIRENS WAILING
Huh?
What's their hurry?
TIRES SCREECHING
Sheesh.
Go on, push me aside, big shot.
No reason anyone should move over
and make way for Charlie Collins.
—Hey!
—TIRES SCREECHING
Oh, that's it. No signal, no nothing.
Just treat me like I don't exist.
Sorry, comrade. Not this time.
TIRES SCREECHING, ENGINE REVVING
Hey,buddy.
Yeah, I'm talking to you, clown.
You think you own the whole road?
Why, for two cents, I'd...
Huh?
GASPS
CHUCKLES
That was The Joker.
l cussed out The Joker.
TIRES SCREECHING
EXCLAIMING
Where'd all the cops go?
EXHALES
GASPS
TIRES SCREECHING
TIRES SCREECHING
Go, go, go.
—Come on, come on.
—ENGINE SPUTTERING
PANTING
GASPS
There's your two cents.
Now, what are you going to do to me?
Listen, I'm sorry, really.
I had a bad day.
Boss turned down my raise and...
Now, look, my rude friend.
We can't have people cursing
at each other on the freeway.
It's simply not polite.
I'm just going to have to teach you
some manners.
Please don't.
l have a family.
A wife, a little boy. Please.
I'll do anything to make it up.
Anything.
"Anything," says you?
Uh—huh.
Okey—dokey.
Wallet.
Sure. I don't have much cash.
Oh, please. Don't insult me.
"Charles Michael Collins." That's you.
CLICKING TONGUE
Lousy picture, though.
Lousy.
"Address, height, weight."
Blah, blah, blah.
Righty—o, Chuckers.
Here's the deal.
I'll let you off,
if you promise to do
a little favor for me.
Okay. What?
I don't know!
I haven't thought of it yet.
You just toddle on back to your mundane,
meaningless little life,
and when I need you, I'll call.
Fair?
Good. Great!
I'll be in touch.
JOKER LAUGHING
GORDON: It's a waste
of time, money and manpower.
If I had the authority to block it,
I would.
Come on, Commissioner.
It's free eats,
and you get your picture in the paper.
It's a good deal.
"Testimonial in honor
of Police Commissioner, James Gordon.
"Tuesday night,
the Gotham Peregrinators Club."
Blasted waste of time.
BATMAN: Most of the force
would disagree with you.
SCOFFS If anyone should be
getting a testimonial, it's you.
I'm just the night shift.
You deal with this mess 24 hours a day.
That's what those people want to honor.
Okay, okay. What the heck.
It's a fancy club, good food.
Could be fun.
You don't know where
I can rent a tux, do you?
WIND WHISTLING
I hate it when he does that.
TELEPHONE RINGING
l arranged another early parole,
as soon as I heard
about Gordon's testimonial.
Phoo!
It is to laugh, huh, Mr. J?
I ask you, Harley,
who's given more hours of amusement
to the Gotham Police Force than me?
No one, Mr. J.
I deserve...
Nay. Demand the right
to honor our dear commissioner as well.
Hear, hear.
WHISTLING
WHISTLING
Huh?
Oh!
Gonna call in a specialist, boss?
No, no.
Just an old friend,
who's dying to do me a favor.
LAUGHING
GRUNTS Good one, Kenny.
Go out for a long bomb.
TELEPHONE RINGING
I got it.
Hello?
JOKER: Hello, Charlie.
Wrong number, pal.
My name is Don.
Oh, no, no, no.
This is the right number,
Charles Michael Collins.
I don't know why
you changed your name to Don Wallace
and moved your family
to 12 Marigold Lane,
Springdale, Ohio.
One might think you were trying
to skip out on our little deal.
Leave the sideburns.
How did you find me?
Oh, I never lost you, Chaz.
You've become my hobby.
LAUGHING
Now, listen up, Charlie Brown.
You're booked on the next flight
to Gotham.
Tell the family you have to visit
a sick friend.
Oh, and let's keep this
to ourselves, okay?
Bad things happen to people who gossip.
Capisce, Carlo?
Yeah.
Good. See you.
ANNOUNCER: ON PA Gotham Air flight 32,
now arriving from Springdale.
CHARLIE: This is crazy.
I can't believe I'm doing this.
If only I had some way to,
I don't know, call him.
Hi!
The car is this way, Charlie.
Jumping Jiminy Christmas!
Charlie Collins!
It's been forever.
How are you, man?
You look great.
Lost a little weight.
Lost a little hair, too. LAUGHS
Oh, Charlie.
Charlie, Charlie, Charlie.
So, ready to do me that little favor?
Please, don't make me hurt anyone.
Not to worry, Chuckers.
As soon as you've done my favor...
...I'II send you right back home.
I promise.
Okay, Chaz.
When Harley knocks on the door
three times, you open it.
—And?
—Thafsit
Wait. That's the favor?
You called me here just to open a door?
Well, look at the size
of that cake, man!
She can't open the door
and push it in all at once!
Think!
He is nuts.
Not bad.
BURPS LOUDLY
SLURPS LOUDLY
Congratulations, Jim.
I'm sorry I won't be
able to stay for dinner.
Hmm. The life of a busy socialite.
Any way I could sneak out with you?
CHARLIE: A room filled with cops,
and no way to warn them.
If there were just some way
to call Batman.
Oh... No way.
It'd never work.
Not in a million...
Well, maybe.
WHIRRING
Not staying for dinner, sir?
Not with The Joker on the loose.
Sir, I believe you may be needed inside.
Huh?
GORDON: I'm honored that
Gotham's finest turned out to rub elbows
with this tired old beat cop.
You eating that roll, Montoya?
I'm really, very touched.
KNOCKING
—And I'll conclude by saying...
—WHISTLING
Don't stop now, Jimmy.
The party's just starting!
Baby doll. Entertainment.
Hey,sugan
You want to read me my rights?
You have the right to remain silent.
SCREAMING
Jerk.
PEOPLE MURMURING
CLEARS THROAT
Here's to Gotham's Commissioner G.
You lock up the weirdos,
the crooks and the geeks.
You're a hero to all the boys in blue.
But this time, baby,
the joke's on you.
WHISTLING
PEOPLE SCREAMING
COUGHING
PARTY HORN BLOWS
Yes!
Another stunning Joker entrance
leaves the crowd speechless.
Let's hear it for him, folks.
CHEERING
WHOOPING
Gee! Tough audience.
Commissioner!
I'm here to present you
with a small token of affection,
from me and all the guys
doing 25 to life.
Wear it in good health,
all remaining 59 seconds of it.
Toodles. LAUGHING
Wait. You promised to send me home.
I never said alive.
You dirty, evil...
GRUNTS
Sayonara, sucker.
JOKER LAUGHING
Batman!
The commissioner's medal, it's a bomb!
Guess I'll need a new hobby,
now that old Charlie is... Pfft!
Macramé's nice.
EXPLOSION
That came from outside!
Rocko! Henshaw!
I smell a bat!
Quick! To the van!
Uh, Mr. J.
Okay. We'll tough it out here.
He called you his hobby?
Yeah.
For two years,
he watched me like a bug in a jar.
Watched and laughed,
and threatened my family.
I had no choice, Batman, really.
ALL GROANING AND COUGHING
The gas is wearing off.
Stay with the cops.
GRUNTS
YELLING
GRUNTS
METALLIC CLANGING
GASPS
I know. You're thinking,
"What a shame.
"A pure, innocent little thing like her
"led astray by bad companions."
Right. Tell me another.
Oi! Beauty school is starting to look
pretty good about now.
JOKER LAUGHING
JOKER LAUGHING
Ingenious, the way they reconstructed
this temple.
Completely accurate,
right down to the poison—tipped darts.
GASPS
The drop—away floor
is a nice touch, too. Hah!
JOKER GRUNTS
SHUDDERS
Catch! LAUGHING
Hold it!
Oh, come on! CHUCKLES
I said, hold it!
GRUNTS
You miserable little nobody!
If I get caught,
your wife and son are history!
You're not getting caught,
not this time.
I found this blown out of the van.
This is how it ends, Joker.
No big schemes,
no grand fight to the finish
with the Dark Knight.
Tomorrow, all the papers will say,
"Is that the great Joker was found
blown to bits in an alley,
"alongside a miserable little nobody?"
Kind of funny. Ironic, really.
See, I can destroy a man's dreams, too.
And that's really the only dream
you've got, isn't it?
Look, Charlie. You've had a busy day.
All this running around,
all this excitement with...
SHOUTS ...Batman!
Stop. You're crazy.
I had a good teacher. LAUGHS
Say good night, Gracie.
Batman! Batman!
How long have you been there?
Long enough.
Put it down, Charlie.
You know he'll just escape again.
This is the only way
my family stays safe.
All right. You win. Take it easy.
Here's everything on his blasted family.
Names, addresses, it's all there.
You're no fun anymore, Charlie.
Hey, Joker.
GASPS, SCREAMS
Huh?
Gotcha.
CHUCKLES
Oh. Very funny. A million laughs.
Go home, Mr. Collins.
Home. I never thought
that could sound so good.
Wonder what Bonnie's making for dinner.
Right now, anything would taste great.
Even meatloaf.
THEME MUSIC PLAYING
English — SDH