Batman: The Animated Series (1992–1995): Season 1, Episode 49 - The Man Who Killed Batman - full transcript
A small time crook tells his story of how he accidentally seemed to kill Batman, and how now everyone wants to kill him next.
Oh, no.
Let me in, please.
I have to see Mr. Thorne.
A Sidney Debris to see you, sir.
Send him in.
Mr. Thorne, I'm so grateful
you're willing to see me on such short-
Nonsense, Sidney. Come in.
Join me for a demitasse?
No, thank you, sir.
Oh.
- Sorry about the leather.
- Mmm.
I hear you've made quite a name
for yourself on the streets, Sidney.
What is it they're calling you? Oh, yes.
"The Man Who Killed Batman."
Well, yes, no... That is, I didn't...
Oh, Mr. Thorne, I'm in big trouble.
Now, now, just relax, man.
And tell me what's on your mind.
Well, for a while now, I've been
trying to move my way up in the rackets.
A few nights ago, my pal Eddie G.
told me about a big drug shipment
he was picking up for some mob hotshot.
Sounded like an opportunity
and I wanted in.
Whoa!
Hey, hey.
- You want to blow this whole deal?
- Sorry, Eddie.
Why did you bring along that loser?
He's useless.
Not as bait for Batman.
He'll be too busy kicking the crud
out of Sid to notice us.
Yo, Sid.
This is your big chance, bud.
You do this job right, you might even
score yourself a cool mob name.
Like what?
Uh... We'll call you
Sid the Squid.
Sid the Squid.
Yeah, yeah.
Now, get your keister up there
and holler if you see anything.
Like a hungry sea predator,
Sid the Squid stretched his tentacles
through the Gotham underworld.
Yeah, boy, I'm on my way.
Nothing's gonna stop me now.
That's weird, wonder where that...
Help!
The Batman.
Hey, this isn't what it looks like.
Looks like a drug run to me. Someone's
flooding the streets with that trash.
- I want his name.
- I don't know.
I'm just the lookout, honest.
Sid's taking on the Batman.
Little weasel's got guts.
No brains, but guts.
Split.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
It was an accident, really.
- You okay?
- Back off.
Yes, sir.
Don't let me fall, please!
Stop struggling. Let go!
- What?
- What was that?
I didn't mean it. He came right at me.
I was just trying to get away,
and he went over the side.
Boom, whoosh, fire!
I'm sorry.
No one could live through that.
You know what this means?
Sid the Squid just offed the Batman.
You should be happy, Sidney.
Through a one-in-a-million mishap,
you've realized the dream
of every criminal in Gotham.
Huh?
The utter demise of Batman.
You know, Mr. Thorne, my whole life
I've dreamed of being a big shot.
Sidney, Sidney, Sidney.
And that night, for one minute,
all my dreams came true.
To Sid the Squid,
the man who burned the bat.
Squid! Squid! Squid!
The toughest guy in Gotham!
Suddenly I'm thinking, if I take down
the guy who took down Batman,
then I'll be the toughest guy in town.
You got my vote, Chief.
Come on, Squid, give him what for.
Come on, let's get it going here.
Get up. Come on.
It was nuts, I tell you.
Every creep and lowlife trying to get a
little piece of the guy who got Batman.
I was actually relieved
when the cops showed up.
Well, sort of.
- You can't keep me here.
- I got rights.
Lousy bulls.
Simmer down, party boys.
You'll be out tomorrow morning.
Uh, Montoya, word is coming in
from the streets on a homicide victim.
- They have an ID?
- Yeah, it's, uh...
It's Batman.
What? How?
That explosion at the customs house.
They said it's the work
of some mastermind called the Squid.
Look, Renee, the commish
is taking it pretty hard.
- Could you, uh...
- Sure, sure.
How about it, losers?
You see anything tonight?
What's the word on this Squid guy, huh?
Oh...
What about you, skinny?
You got anything to say?
Just one minute, please.
I'm Harleen Quinzel,
legal counsel to Mr. Debris.
I've paid his bail, and he doesn't
have to answer any questions
until he's formally arraigned.
Don't I know you from someplace?
I think I served you a subpoena once.
It was a small subpoena.
Gee! Who would care enough
to bail me out of the jug?
My mom doesn't even speak to me.
And my parole officer's still in jail.
Wow, lady, you sure pile on the makeup.
My boss likes me
to wear a smile to work.
Hey, I've seen you. You work for...
The Joker.
Welcome, Sidney.
Please, allow me the honor
of shaking hands
with the man who did the impossible.
The man who killed Batman.
Whoops! Sorry, force of habit.
You know, there's just one thing
bothering me about your story, Sid.
No body, no batus delecti, so to speak.
We need to pull a job tonight
just to make sure.
Make sure of what, boss?
Why, that old Batsy's
bought the cave, of course.
And one more thing, Murphy.
Don't ask stupid questions.
What?
Ah! Ooh!
I'll get the mop.
Righty-o! Harley, you loot the safe
while the boys and I set up.
Right away, Mr. J.
When the cops show, stall them
for a while. Nothing too fancy.
Just keep them busy
until Bats gets here. Got it?
Sure, boss.
- Any questions, Murph?
- No, sir.
Good man.
And if Batman hasn't really
gone to his final reward,
we'll see that he gets there.
Mmm. From pinching pennies
to rubbing elbows with the Joker.
- Not bad, Sidney.
- Please.
Connections like him I can do without.
Naturally, it didn't take
the cops long to seal off the building.
Not that it mattered to Mr. Happy.
Where is he?
He's never been this late before.
There's a certain rhythm
to these things.
I cause trouble, he shows up.
We have some laughs,
and the game starts all over again.
Only, now, thanks to you,
I have this terrible feeling
he's really not coming.
Whee! Look at all the pretties.
Put them back, Harley.
Oh, Mr. J., you're such a kidder.
You never could...
I said, put them back!
Sure, boss, I can do that. This is me
putting them back. No problemo.
Without Batman, crime has no punch line.
A laughing gas bomb
kept the cops busy
while we slipped out the back.
Later, the Joker held a little memorial
at the Ace Chemical plant.
You know what's great
about you, Puddin'?
You really put the "fun" in funeral.
Dear friends,
today is the day the clown cried.
And he cries
not for the passing of one man,
but for the death of a dream.
The dream that he would someday
taste the ultimate victory
over his hated enemy.
For it was the Batman who made me
the happy soul I am today.
How I agonized over the perfect way
to thank him for that.
Perhaps with a cyanide pie in the face.
Or an exploding whoopee cushion,
playfully planted in the Batmobile.
But those dreams were dashed
by the weaselly Iittle gunsel
sitting there in our midst.
The cowardly, insignificant ganef
who probably got lucky
when Batman slipped on the slime trail
this loser left behind him.
This mound of diseased hyena filth
who's not fit to lick the dirt
from my spats!
But I digress.
The time for sorrow has passed.
It's time to look ahead
to a future filled with smiles.
And I'll be smiling again
just as soon as we take that man there,
and slap him in that box there,
and roll it into that vat of acid there.
No, no! I never meant to do it!
Help!
This isn't funny anymore
Would it help if I said I'm sorry?
I'm really, really, really,
really, really sorry.
Well, that was fun. Who's for Chinese?
[thought
I was a goner for sure.
Then, just as the acid started
to eat its way in...
Huh?
I was saved. The box must have
been sucked down a drain pipe
and smacked open on the bank.
I knew I had to get out of town.
So I called Eddie G.
and begged him to set me up
with the big man behind the drug ring.
He sent me to you.
Please, Mr. Thorne.
You're rich and powerful.
I'll do anything you say
if you can get me out of Gotham.
So the famous Sid the Squid is nothing
but a pathetic victim of circumstance.
Just how stupid do you think I am?
Excuse me?
You think I didn't hear the rumors
of the third-rate stumblebum
who rubbed out the Batman?
And now you say you accidentally
made a fool of the Joker?
No one's that lucky or stupid.
- Yes, I am. Honest.
- Admit it.
You're trying to muscle in
on my drug racket.
You've been playing dumb
so you can get a shot at me.
No, really.
Sure, I'll get you
out of Gotham, Sidney.
In a pine box.
You?
That's for pulling a gun.
And that's for the drugs.
And that one's for any I missed.
Oh, am I glad to see you.
Wait a minute, how come you're alive?
I swung away
before the gas tank exploded.
But I thought since you believed
I was dead,
I'd tail you and see who
was calling the shots.
So you were the one
who saved me from the Joker?
That's right.
Well, glad to be of service. See you.
You're still an accomplice
to Thorne's gang.
Guess I can't win for losing, huh?
I don't know. In the right environment,
a man of your dangerous reputation
could still get a lot of respect.
- Here he comes.
- It's the Squid.
Toughest man in Gotham,
nearly offed the Bat.
Set Thorne up.
He made a fool out of the Joker, too.
- Don't mess with him, man.
- A big shot at last.
English - SDH
Let me in, please.
I have to see Mr. Thorne.
A Sidney Debris to see you, sir.
Send him in.
Mr. Thorne, I'm so grateful
you're willing to see me on such short-
Nonsense, Sidney. Come in.
Join me for a demitasse?
No, thank you, sir.
Oh.
- Sorry about the leather.
- Mmm.
I hear you've made quite a name
for yourself on the streets, Sidney.
What is it they're calling you? Oh, yes.
"The Man Who Killed Batman."
Well, yes, no... That is, I didn't...
Oh, Mr. Thorne, I'm in big trouble.
Now, now, just relax, man.
And tell me what's on your mind.
Well, for a while now, I've been
trying to move my way up in the rackets.
A few nights ago, my pal Eddie G.
told me about a big drug shipment
he was picking up for some mob hotshot.
Sounded like an opportunity
and I wanted in.
Whoa!
Hey, hey.
- You want to blow this whole deal?
- Sorry, Eddie.
Why did you bring along that loser?
He's useless.
Not as bait for Batman.
He'll be too busy kicking the crud
out of Sid to notice us.
Yo, Sid.
This is your big chance, bud.
You do this job right, you might even
score yourself a cool mob name.
Like what?
Uh... We'll call you
Sid the Squid.
Sid the Squid.
Yeah, yeah.
Now, get your keister up there
and holler if you see anything.
Like a hungry sea predator,
Sid the Squid stretched his tentacles
through the Gotham underworld.
Yeah, boy, I'm on my way.
Nothing's gonna stop me now.
That's weird, wonder where that...
Help!
The Batman.
Hey, this isn't what it looks like.
Looks like a drug run to me. Someone's
flooding the streets with that trash.
- I want his name.
- I don't know.
I'm just the lookout, honest.
Sid's taking on the Batman.
Little weasel's got guts.
No brains, but guts.
Split.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
It was an accident, really.
- You okay?
- Back off.
Yes, sir.
Don't let me fall, please!
Stop struggling. Let go!
- What?
- What was that?
I didn't mean it. He came right at me.
I was just trying to get away,
and he went over the side.
Boom, whoosh, fire!
I'm sorry.
No one could live through that.
You know what this means?
Sid the Squid just offed the Batman.
You should be happy, Sidney.
Through a one-in-a-million mishap,
you've realized the dream
of every criminal in Gotham.
Huh?
The utter demise of Batman.
You know, Mr. Thorne, my whole life
I've dreamed of being a big shot.
Sidney, Sidney, Sidney.
And that night, for one minute,
all my dreams came true.
To Sid the Squid,
the man who burned the bat.
Squid! Squid! Squid!
The toughest guy in Gotham!
Suddenly I'm thinking, if I take down
the guy who took down Batman,
then I'll be the toughest guy in town.
You got my vote, Chief.
Come on, Squid, give him what for.
Come on, let's get it going here.
Get up. Come on.
It was nuts, I tell you.
Every creep and lowlife trying to get a
little piece of the guy who got Batman.
I was actually relieved
when the cops showed up.
Well, sort of.
- You can't keep me here.
- I got rights.
Lousy bulls.
Simmer down, party boys.
You'll be out tomorrow morning.
Uh, Montoya, word is coming in
from the streets on a homicide victim.
- They have an ID?
- Yeah, it's, uh...
It's Batman.
What? How?
That explosion at the customs house.
They said it's the work
of some mastermind called the Squid.
Look, Renee, the commish
is taking it pretty hard.
- Could you, uh...
- Sure, sure.
How about it, losers?
You see anything tonight?
What's the word on this Squid guy, huh?
Oh...
What about you, skinny?
You got anything to say?
Just one minute, please.
I'm Harleen Quinzel,
legal counsel to Mr. Debris.
I've paid his bail, and he doesn't
have to answer any questions
until he's formally arraigned.
Don't I know you from someplace?
I think I served you a subpoena once.
It was a small subpoena.
Gee! Who would care enough
to bail me out of the jug?
My mom doesn't even speak to me.
And my parole officer's still in jail.
Wow, lady, you sure pile on the makeup.
My boss likes me
to wear a smile to work.
Hey, I've seen you. You work for...
The Joker.
Welcome, Sidney.
Please, allow me the honor
of shaking hands
with the man who did the impossible.
The man who killed Batman.
Whoops! Sorry, force of habit.
You know, there's just one thing
bothering me about your story, Sid.
No body, no batus delecti, so to speak.
We need to pull a job tonight
just to make sure.
Make sure of what, boss?
Why, that old Batsy's
bought the cave, of course.
And one more thing, Murphy.
Don't ask stupid questions.
What?
Ah! Ooh!
I'll get the mop.
Righty-o! Harley, you loot the safe
while the boys and I set up.
Right away, Mr. J.
When the cops show, stall them
for a while. Nothing too fancy.
Just keep them busy
until Bats gets here. Got it?
Sure, boss.
- Any questions, Murph?
- No, sir.
Good man.
And if Batman hasn't really
gone to his final reward,
we'll see that he gets there.
Mmm. From pinching pennies
to rubbing elbows with the Joker.
- Not bad, Sidney.
- Please.
Connections like him I can do without.
Naturally, it didn't take
the cops long to seal off the building.
Not that it mattered to Mr. Happy.
Where is he?
He's never been this late before.
There's a certain rhythm
to these things.
I cause trouble, he shows up.
We have some laughs,
and the game starts all over again.
Only, now, thanks to you,
I have this terrible feeling
he's really not coming.
Whee! Look at all the pretties.
Put them back, Harley.
Oh, Mr. J., you're such a kidder.
You never could...
I said, put them back!
Sure, boss, I can do that. This is me
putting them back. No problemo.
Without Batman, crime has no punch line.
A laughing gas bomb
kept the cops busy
while we slipped out the back.
Later, the Joker held a little memorial
at the Ace Chemical plant.
You know what's great
about you, Puddin'?
You really put the "fun" in funeral.
Dear friends,
today is the day the clown cried.
And he cries
not for the passing of one man,
but for the death of a dream.
The dream that he would someday
taste the ultimate victory
over his hated enemy.
For it was the Batman who made me
the happy soul I am today.
How I agonized over the perfect way
to thank him for that.
Perhaps with a cyanide pie in the face.
Or an exploding whoopee cushion,
playfully planted in the Batmobile.
But those dreams were dashed
by the weaselly Iittle gunsel
sitting there in our midst.
The cowardly, insignificant ganef
who probably got lucky
when Batman slipped on the slime trail
this loser left behind him.
This mound of diseased hyena filth
who's not fit to lick the dirt
from my spats!
But I digress.
The time for sorrow has passed.
It's time to look ahead
to a future filled with smiles.
And I'll be smiling again
just as soon as we take that man there,
and slap him in that box there,
and roll it into that vat of acid there.
No, no! I never meant to do it!
Help!
This isn't funny anymore
Would it help if I said I'm sorry?
I'm really, really, really,
really, really sorry.
Well, that was fun. Who's for Chinese?
[thought
I was a goner for sure.
Then, just as the acid started
to eat its way in...
Huh?
I was saved. The box must have
been sucked down a drain pipe
and smacked open on the bank.
I knew I had to get out of town.
So I called Eddie G.
and begged him to set me up
with the big man behind the drug ring.
He sent me to you.
Please, Mr. Thorne.
You're rich and powerful.
I'll do anything you say
if you can get me out of Gotham.
So the famous Sid the Squid is nothing
but a pathetic victim of circumstance.
Just how stupid do you think I am?
Excuse me?
You think I didn't hear the rumors
of the third-rate stumblebum
who rubbed out the Batman?
And now you say you accidentally
made a fool of the Joker?
No one's that lucky or stupid.
- Yes, I am. Honest.
- Admit it.
You're trying to muscle in
on my drug racket.
You've been playing dumb
so you can get a shot at me.
No, really.
Sure, I'll get you
out of Gotham, Sidney.
In a pine box.
You?
That's for pulling a gun.
And that's for the drugs.
And that one's for any I missed.
Oh, am I glad to see you.
Wait a minute, how come you're alive?
I swung away
before the gas tank exploded.
But I thought since you believed
I was dead,
I'd tail you and see who
was calling the shots.
So you were the one
who saved me from the Joker?
That's right.
Well, glad to be of service. See you.
You're still an accomplice
to Thorne's gang.
Guess I can't win for losing, huh?
I don't know. In the right environment,
a man of your dangerous reputation
could still get a lot of respect.
- Here he comes.
- It's the Squid.
Toughest man in Gotham,
nearly offed the Bat.
Set Thorne up.
He made a fool out of the Joker, too.
- Don't mess with him, man.
- A big shot at last.
English - SDH