Batman: The Animated Series (1992–1995): Season 1, Episode 47 - Harley and Ivy - full transcript
Harley Quinn teams up with Poison Ivy and both become the Queens of Crime, after the Joker and Batman find out.
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
Play one of the best new FPS shooters,
search Steam for PROJECT WARLOCK
(TIRES SCREECHING)
(CARS HONKING)
(YELLING) You jerks!
-(WOMAN SCREAMING)
-(DOG YELPING)
(JOKER LAUGHING MANIACALLY)
Ah! The wind in my hair
and the Batman at my heels.
It's the kind of night that
makes you glad to be alive.
Right, Harley girl?
Sure thing, Mr. J.
Quick! Turn here!
- But, boss, that's--
- I said, turn!
Yes, sir.
(TIRES SCREECHING)
(EXCLAIMS)
(GROANS)
Why didn't you tell me
someone put a hill there?
- I tried, but--
- Never mind. Just hand me the gun.
(SNAPS FINGERS) Come on! Come on!
Here.
Hey, Batsy!
This is where I leave you flat.
(LAUGHS MANIACALLY)
You nincompoop!
(YELP$)
You didn't say which gun.
(BRAKES SCREECHING)
(TIRES SCREECHING)
Let's go. Let's go!
(ENGINE REVVING)
If he wants the car that bad,
he can have it.
Next time, clown.
JOKER: No, we didn't get the diamond.
The "Dork Knight" showed up
before we even got to the museum.
I had a great shot at him, too,
except my dear little Harley Quinn
handed me the wrong gun!
(BARKING)
But, pudding, it was kind of funny
watching you shoot at him
with the "bang" flag.
(BOTH (assume)
Funny?
You presume to tell me what
I should think is funny?
(YELLING) In fact, when have you ever
contributed a worthwhile idea
to this gang?
(STAMMERING) Well,
I did get us away from Batman.
Huzzah!
The kid gets lucky,
and she wants a medal!
Maybe I should just let
you run the gang.
Maybe you're a better crook
than the rest of us put together.
Maybe
(TIMIDLY) not.
(BOTH SMIRKING)
(HYENAS LAUGHING)
(JOKER GROWLING)
(YELP$)
Fine! I'll show you! You'll be sorry!
I'll pull a big heist,
and I'll be laughing at you.
Ha! Ha! You hear? Laughing!
I miss him already.
Piece of cake.
Mr. J will just plotz when I give him...
No. I'm keeping it for myself.
Maybe.
(ALARM RINGING)
The heck with it!
(SIREN WAILING)
(GASPING)
Nice work, butterfingers.
Why didn't you just turn on
the Bat signal while you were at it?
I wasn't trying to get caught.
Could've fooled me.
Hey! Aren't you that plant lady,
Poison Oakie?
Ivy. Poison Ivy.
Sorry.
Harley Quinn. Pleased to meet you.
(DOOR OPENS)
This is not a good time
to get acquainted.
MONTOYA: Freeze!
Any ideas?
What you got in the bottles?
POISON IVY: Plant toxins
from the museum lab.
Good enough.
Heads up!
(COUGHING)
MONTOYA:
Stop in the name of the law!
Not tonight, baby.
POISON IVY: Get in the car!
HARLEY: What car?
That car.
(SIREN WAILING)
“Yes!
“Yes!
POISON IVY: This could be the beginning
of a beautiful friendship.
HARLEY: (WHINING) I hate shots!
I hate shots!
Now, now. You're
not immune to poison like I am
and you won't last 10 minutes
here in Toxic Acres without my antidote.
(WHINING)
(SIGHS) You'd think after living with
Mr. J, I'd be used to a little pain.
Why do you put up with that clown?
Don't get me wrong. My pudding's
a little rough sometimes,
but he loves me, really.
Sure he does.
You're just one big forgiving doormat,
aren't you?
I am not a doormat.
Am I?
If you had a middle name,
it would be "Welcome."
But cheer up, kid. You just need some
lessons in good old female self-esteem.
In other words, let's play with the boys
on our terms.
And now, gentlemen,
if there is no new business,
I propose we adjourn to--
POISON IVY:
A moment, please, Mr. Chairman.
(MEN PROTESTING)
- MAN 1: Who is that?
- MAN 2: A woman, here?
CHAIRMAN: Outrageous!
See here, young lady,
is this some kind of joke?
The joke, my dear chairman,
is this obsolete, sexist mockery
you call a men's club.
Now, I ask you,
what kind of adventurers refuse
to admit women?
- MAN 1: What does she know?
- MAN 2: That is ridiculous.
MAN 3: Get her out of here.
How dare she?
(MEN PROTESTING)
Still, if it's excitement
you boys crave...
What is this?
- Let 9Q!
“Stop!
(ALL CLAMORING)
That should keep you big strong men
busy while we weak little girls
loot your trophy room.
Gee, Red. You got style!
This is true.
(MEN CLAMORING)
(HARLEY HUMMING)
What did you make? What did you make?
Steamed chard and beet juice. Hmm! Yum!
Gee, green.
My favorite color.
(SIGHS)
No offense, Red,
but I'm not very hungry.
Somehow I don't feel
like my old perky self.
Something's missing.
Will you stop? I can't believe you're
still mooning over that psychotic creep.
Well, maybe I'd feel better
if I knew he missed me, too.
JOKER: (SHOUTING) Harley!
This place is going
to blinking blue blazes.
Anybody seen my socks?
JOKER: Harley!
-(HYENAS SNARLING)
-(JOKER EXCLAIMING)
They snapped at me!
What's going on, Roc?
The place is a mess, no one's fed
the hyenas, and I can't find my socks!
Where's Harley?
(STAMMERING) You canned her,
boss, remember?
So? She's always come back before.
Gee,
I guess you ain't seen the papers then.
Papers? What are you babbling about?
(JOKER SCREAMING)
(SIREN WAILING)
(CRASHING)
(CURSING IN SPANISH)
I remember when I would go driving
like this with Mr. J.
(IMITATING HARLEY) "Mr. J, Mr. J."
Change the record, Harl.
You want to be some wacko's victim
the rest of your life?
Well, hello.
I think I'm in love.
(MAKING KISSING SOUNDS)
Ahooga! Ahooga!
(HOWLS)
Excuse me, boys.
Didn't your mommies tell you that's not
the nice way to get a lady's attention?
Oh! And what are you gonna do? Spank us?
That's right, pigs.
And here's the paddle.
(ALL SCREAM)
There may be hope for you yet.
(COMPUTER BEEPING)
ALFRED: Choosing a weekend date, sir?
BATMAN: This is one sister act
that's hard to follow, Alfred.
Only clue I have is this soil analysis
from their tire tracks.
Hmm.
Contains the same compounds
you'd find in a toxic waste dump.
Then may I suggest an accessory
this evening?
(PHONE RINGING)
JOKER: (YELLING) What?
(TIMIDLY) Mr. J?
Harley?
Hi, pudding. You still angry with me?
(CHUCKLES)
Honey, baby, pumpkin pie.
You know I can't hold a grudge.
- Where are you?
- With a friend.
Look, I can't talk, but I wanted
to let you know I'm okay.
(DOOR CLOSES)
Oops. Gotta go.
I'll talk to you soon.
Sooner than you think.
- What's up?
- Wrong number.
(GLASS BREAKING)
(GASPING)
BATMAN: Evening, ladies.
Playtime's over.
(SARCASTICALLY) Land 0' Goshen, Harleen.
Look who's come a-courting.
Looks like he's got us.
Looks like!
(GRUNTING)
POISON IVY: Poor Batman. All trussed up.
And no place to go.
“Yes!
“Yes!
POISON IVY: Here we have
the typical male aggressor,
fittingly imprisoned within the bonds
of female domestic slavery.
HARLEY: And, frankly, folks,
he's never looked better.
Admit it, darling,
you didn't think two women
were capable of bringing you down.
Man or woman,
a sick mind is capable of anything.
A very enlightened statement, Batman.
We'll carve it on your headstone.
HARLEY: Aloha, sucker.
Hey, did you leave the lights on?
JOKER: My, haven't you been
the busy little bees.
Pudding?
You were out, so we just made
ourselves at home.
Hope you don't mind.
You found me!
So much for self-esteem.
I hope you realize
we're on a toxic waste dump.
I'd say you've got 10 minutes
to clear out before the fumes do you in.
She's right, boss.
I'm feeling kind of...
Sick.
Hold it in, Rocco.
I'm only staying long enough
to collect what's mine.
(SQUEALS)
Hey!
(GASPS)
(PANTING)
Ooh! Look at the goodies.
That's ours, you louse!
Pammy, I wouldn't
leave you empty-handed.
JOKER: Since you like flowers so much...
Oh, Pudding, no!
You can have mine!
(COUGHING)
Oh!
Red!
(LAUGHS)
It doesn't work on me.
(BOTH GRUNTING)
Get them!
(BOTH GROAN)
(BATMAN GRUNTING)
(TIRES SCREECHING)
Oh, Batsy!
(YELLING) Stop shooting, you lunatic.
We're sitting on a powder keg.
Oops. Dopey me.
(GRUNTS)
(ENGINE STARTING)
(ENGINE REVVING)
(TIRES SCREECHING)
No man can take us prisoner.
(GUNSHOT)
(BOTH SCREAM)
All right, ladies.
Raise them.
(CHATTERING ON POLICE RADIO)
JOKER: That's it.
Next time I start a gang, no women.
(SHOUTING) Do you hear me?
No women!
I think we can still work it out.
Don't you?
English - SDH
Play one of the best new FPS shooters,
search Steam for PROJECT WARLOCK
(TIRES SCREECHING)
(CARS HONKING)
(YELLING) You jerks!
-(WOMAN SCREAMING)
-(DOG YELPING)
(JOKER LAUGHING MANIACALLY)
Ah! The wind in my hair
and the Batman at my heels.
It's the kind of night that
makes you glad to be alive.
Right, Harley girl?
Sure thing, Mr. J.
Quick! Turn here!
- But, boss, that's--
- I said, turn!
Yes, sir.
(TIRES SCREECHING)
(EXCLAIMS)
(GROANS)
Why didn't you tell me
someone put a hill there?
- I tried, but--
- Never mind. Just hand me the gun.
(SNAPS FINGERS) Come on! Come on!
Here.
Hey, Batsy!
This is where I leave you flat.
(LAUGHS MANIACALLY)
You nincompoop!
(YELP$)
You didn't say which gun.
(BRAKES SCREECHING)
(TIRES SCREECHING)
Let's go. Let's go!
(ENGINE REVVING)
If he wants the car that bad,
he can have it.
Next time, clown.
JOKER: No, we didn't get the diamond.
The "Dork Knight" showed up
before we even got to the museum.
I had a great shot at him, too,
except my dear little Harley Quinn
handed me the wrong gun!
(BARKING)
But, pudding, it was kind of funny
watching you shoot at him
with the "bang" flag.
(BOTH (assume)
Funny?
You presume to tell me what
I should think is funny?
(YELLING) In fact, when have you ever
contributed a worthwhile idea
to this gang?
(STAMMERING) Well,
I did get us away from Batman.
Huzzah!
The kid gets lucky,
and she wants a medal!
Maybe I should just let
you run the gang.
Maybe you're a better crook
than the rest of us put together.
Maybe
(TIMIDLY) not.
(BOTH SMIRKING)
(HYENAS LAUGHING)
(JOKER GROWLING)
(YELP$)
Fine! I'll show you! You'll be sorry!
I'll pull a big heist,
and I'll be laughing at you.
Ha! Ha! You hear? Laughing!
I miss him already.
Piece of cake.
Mr. J will just plotz when I give him...
No. I'm keeping it for myself.
Maybe.
(ALARM RINGING)
The heck with it!
(SIREN WAILING)
(GASPING)
Nice work, butterfingers.
Why didn't you just turn on
the Bat signal while you were at it?
I wasn't trying to get caught.
Could've fooled me.
Hey! Aren't you that plant lady,
Poison Oakie?
Ivy. Poison Ivy.
Sorry.
Harley Quinn. Pleased to meet you.
(DOOR OPENS)
This is not a good time
to get acquainted.
MONTOYA: Freeze!
Any ideas?
What you got in the bottles?
POISON IVY: Plant toxins
from the museum lab.
Good enough.
Heads up!
(COUGHING)
MONTOYA:
Stop in the name of the law!
Not tonight, baby.
POISON IVY: Get in the car!
HARLEY: What car?
That car.
(SIREN WAILING)
“Yes!
“Yes!
POISON IVY: This could be the beginning
of a beautiful friendship.
HARLEY: (WHINING) I hate shots!
I hate shots!
Now, now. You're
not immune to poison like I am
and you won't last 10 minutes
here in Toxic Acres without my antidote.
(WHINING)
(SIGHS) You'd think after living with
Mr. J, I'd be used to a little pain.
Why do you put up with that clown?
Don't get me wrong. My pudding's
a little rough sometimes,
but he loves me, really.
Sure he does.
You're just one big forgiving doormat,
aren't you?
I am not a doormat.
Am I?
If you had a middle name,
it would be "Welcome."
But cheer up, kid. You just need some
lessons in good old female self-esteem.
In other words, let's play with the boys
on our terms.
And now, gentlemen,
if there is no new business,
I propose we adjourn to--
POISON IVY:
A moment, please, Mr. Chairman.
(MEN PROTESTING)
- MAN 1: Who is that?
- MAN 2: A woman, here?
CHAIRMAN: Outrageous!
See here, young lady,
is this some kind of joke?
The joke, my dear chairman,
is this obsolete, sexist mockery
you call a men's club.
Now, I ask you,
what kind of adventurers refuse
to admit women?
- MAN 1: What does she know?
- MAN 2: That is ridiculous.
MAN 3: Get her out of here.
How dare she?
(MEN PROTESTING)
Still, if it's excitement
you boys crave...
What is this?
- Let 9Q!
“Stop!
(ALL CLAMORING)
That should keep you big strong men
busy while we weak little girls
loot your trophy room.
Gee, Red. You got style!
This is true.
(MEN CLAMORING)
(HARLEY HUMMING)
What did you make? What did you make?
Steamed chard and beet juice. Hmm! Yum!
Gee, green.
My favorite color.
(SIGHS)
No offense, Red,
but I'm not very hungry.
Somehow I don't feel
like my old perky self.
Something's missing.
Will you stop? I can't believe you're
still mooning over that psychotic creep.
Well, maybe I'd feel better
if I knew he missed me, too.
JOKER: (SHOUTING) Harley!
This place is going
to blinking blue blazes.
Anybody seen my socks?
JOKER: Harley!
-(HYENAS SNARLING)
-(JOKER EXCLAIMING)
They snapped at me!
What's going on, Roc?
The place is a mess, no one's fed
the hyenas, and I can't find my socks!
Where's Harley?
(STAMMERING) You canned her,
boss, remember?
So? She's always come back before.
Gee,
I guess you ain't seen the papers then.
Papers? What are you babbling about?
(JOKER SCREAMING)
(SIREN WAILING)
(CRASHING)
(CURSING IN SPANISH)
I remember when I would go driving
like this with Mr. J.
(IMITATING HARLEY) "Mr. J, Mr. J."
Change the record, Harl.
You want to be some wacko's victim
the rest of your life?
Well, hello.
I think I'm in love.
(MAKING KISSING SOUNDS)
Ahooga! Ahooga!
(HOWLS)
Excuse me, boys.
Didn't your mommies tell you that's not
the nice way to get a lady's attention?
Oh! And what are you gonna do? Spank us?
That's right, pigs.
And here's the paddle.
(ALL SCREAM)
There may be hope for you yet.
(COMPUTER BEEPING)
ALFRED: Choosing a weekend date, sir?
BATMAN: This is one sister act
that's hard to follow, Alfred.
Only clue I have is this soil analysis
from their tire tracks.
Hmm.
Contains the same compounds
you'd find in a toxic waste dump.
Then may I suggest an accessory
this evening?
(PHONE RINGING)
JOKER: (YELLING) What?
(TIMIDLY) Mr. J?
Harley?
Hi, pudding. You still angry with me?
(CHUCKLES)
Honey, baby, pumpkin pie.
You know I can't hold a grudge.
- Where are you?
- With a friend.
Look, I can't talk, but I wanted
to let you know I'm okay.
(DOOR CLOSES)
Oops. Gotta go.
I'll talk to you soon.
Sooner than you think.
- What's up?
- Wrong number.
(GLASS BREAKING)
(GASPING)
BATMAN: Evening, ladies.
Playtime's over.
(SARCASTICALLY) Land 0' Goshen, Harleen.
Look who's come a-courting.
Looks like he's got us.
Looks like!
(GRUNTING)
POISON IVY: Poor Batman. All trussed up.
And no place to go.
“Yes!
“Yes!
POISON IVY: Here we have
the typical male aggressor,
fittingly imprisoned within the bonds
of female domestic slavery.
HARLEY: And, frankly, folks,
he's never looked better.
Admit it, darling,
you didn't think two women
were capable of bringing you down.
Man or woman,
a sick mind is capable of anything.
A very enlightened statement, Batman.
We'll carve it on your headstone.
HARLEY: Aloha, sucker.
Hey, did you leave the lights on?
JOKER: My, haven't you been
the busy little bees.
Pudding?
You were out, so we just made
ourselves at home.
Hope you don't mind.
You found me!
So much for self-esteem.
I hope you realize
we're on a toxic waste dump.
I'd say you've got 10 minutes
to clear out before the fumes do you in.
She's right, boss.
I'm feeling kind of...
Sick.
Hold it in, Rocco.
I'm only staying long enough
to collect what's mine.
(SQUEALS)
Hey!
(GASPS)
(PANTING)
Ooh! Look at the goodies.
That's ours, you louse!
Pammy, I wouldn't
leave you empty-handed.
JOKER: Since you like flowers so much...
Oh, Pudding, no!
You can have mine!
(COUGHING)
Oh!
Red!
(LAUGHS)
It doesn't work on me.
(BOTH GRUNTING)
Get them!
(BOTH GROAN)
(BATMAN GRUNTING)
(TIRES SCREECHING)
Oh, Batsy!
(YELLING) Stop shooting, you lunatic.
We're sitting on a powder keg.
Oops. Dopey me.
(GRUNTS)
(ENGINE STARTING)
(ENGINE REVVING)
(TIRES SCREECHING)
No man can take us prisoner.
(GUNSHOT)
(BOTH SCREAM)
All right, ladies.
Raise them.
(CHATTERING ON POLICE RADIO)
JOKER: That's it.
Next time I start a gang, no women.
(SHOUTING) Do you hear me?
No women!
I think we can still work it out.
Don't you?
English - SDH