Batman: The Animated Series (1992–1995): Season 1, Episode 46 - The Laughing Fish - full transcript

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

(RAIN PATTERING)

(SHIP'S HORN BLOWING)

Okay, let's see what we got.

(ALL EXCLAIMING IN DISGUST)

Oh, that's impossible.

I'm gonna be sick.

FISHERMAN: All of them...

FISHERMAN 2: With the Joker's face.

FISHERMAN 3: It looks just like him.
FISHERMAN 1: It can't be.



FISHERMAN 2: Call the police.

He's made his move.

Dining in tonight, sir?

The dissection tray, please, Alfred.

ALFRED: Any idea
what our happy friend is up to now?

Normal criminals usually
have logical motives.

But the Joker's insane schemes
make sense to him alone.

(PHONE RINGING)

(CLEARING THROAT)

Look alive, wage slaves.

Presenting that caliph of clowns,

that mogul of mountebanks,

the one and only Joker!

(CHUCKLING)



(LAUGHING MANIACALLY)

Great Scott.

Actually, I'm Irish.

Good morning, Mr. Francis.

Please allow me to
introduce my associates.

Miss Quinn.

(SPEAKING IN FRENCH)

And Messrs, uh... Oh.

Their names escape me
for the moment. No matter.

We gentlemen of business
have arrangements to discuss.

Uh, arrangements?

For my fish, of course.

This has all been worked out
far in advance, Francis.

You are merely the last tiny cog
in my grand design.

So don't speak to me again, okay?

Now, what is everyone
in town talking about?

Uh, your fish?

I told you not to speak!

(SNIFFING) Ugh, fish. Stinker-roonie.

(COUGHING)

All better.

As I was saying, since every fish
in Gotham now bears my famous

and frankly fabulous face,

I should be getting a profit
from every fish product sold.

Let's say, a nickel per fish sandwich,

fifty cents for sardines.
Millions of dollars a day

to finance my happily
hedonistic lifestyle.

So which of your tedious copyright forms
do I fill out first?

You may speak now.

(NERVOUSLY) No one can copyright fish.

They're a natural resource.

But they share my unique face.

Colonel what's-his-name has chickens,

and they don't even have mustaches.

I can't help it. It's the law!

Oh. Trying to cheat the Joker, are you?

Well, we'll see who has the last laugh.

You have until midnight
to change your mind, Francis.

Or you'll be the poorest fish of all.

(CHUCKLING)

(LAUGHING MANIACALLY)

B Ll h-by9!

He's crazy.

NEWSREADER: Coming up next,
Marla Benson has a special report

on the smiling fish epidemic.

How safe are Gotham's waters?

Well, he's not out to poison people.

This diluted toxin only affects fish.

Maybe he's trying to
make us all die from disgust.

(WACKY TUNE PLAYING ON TV)

HARLEY: (SINGING) They're finny
and funny

And, oh, so delish

They're joyful and jolly Joker Fish

JOKER'. Say, Mom, wondering what to
feed the family tonight?

What'll I feed the family tonight?

(GROWLING LIKE A PIRATE)
Try me famous Joker Fish.

There's Smiling Smelt, Giggling Grouper,

and Happy Haddock.

This could cause a stampede to pork.

Yummy, yum-yum-

Eat it.

Uh, Mr. J, I have this
little problem with fish.

Yummy, yum-yum-

Yes, friends, that's Joker Fish.

(HARLEY RETCHING)

Tasty, tempting, and of course...

- Naturally low in cholesterol.
-Naturally low in cholesterol.

Coming to your local store.

Just as soon as that nasty
old Mr. G. Carl Francis

decides to give me
my legal cut of the profits.

Change the channel.

(JOKER (assume)

It's on every station.

Get a trace on that signal. Now!

I hope you've changed
your mind, Mr. Francis,

because I haven't changed mine.

(CACKLING)

(CLOCK TICKING)

Relax, Mr. Francis. I've got men
posted at every window and door.

Nobody's sneaking in here tonight.

If I got in this easily...

So will the Joker.

Hey, hey, this is police business.

Haul your bat butt out of here.

Hold it, Detective.

No one knows the Joker's
methods better than Batman.

He stays.

Glory-hogging, long-underwear geek.

Uh, Batman,

why is this happening to me?

I've never done anything to this Joker.

I'm just a paper pusher.
I can't change the laws.

I'm harmless.

And in his sick mind,
that's the joke, Mr. Francis.

- Feeling all right?
-Oh, sure.

It's just that
everything's been so crazy today.

I haven't even had time
to rinse off that gunk

the Joker's girl squirted on me.

(YELLING) Get this man
to a hospital, now!

What?

(CLOCK CHIMING)

- OFFICER: Watch out!
-(OFFICERS EXCLAIMING)

(GAS HISSING)

(ALL COUGHING)

(OFFICERS COUGHING)

(COUGHING)

(GIGGLING)

(LAUGHING MANIACALLY)

He'll be all right
once the antivenom kicks in.

I don't get it. We all breathed the gas,
and we're not smiling.

He didn't want us.

That gas is one part
of a binary compound.

The Joker exposed Francis
to the other part

when he threatened him this morning.

This just in.

Former Copyright Director
G. Carl Francis

will be taking an extended vacation.

Looks like he's having
more fun already. (LAUGHING)

But I'm not happy.

If I don't get legal
claim to my fish by 3:00 a.m.

the number two bureaucrat,
Thomas Jackson, will feel my wrath.

And now, Batman,
because I know you're watching,

here's a message from our sponsor.

(SINGING) They're finny and funny
And, oh, so delish

(HELICOPTER HOVERING)

All units, keep your eyes open
for anything.

(INDISTINCT POLICE RADIO CHATTER)

BULLOCK: I'd like to go on record
as saying

this Batman business
is the lamest idea and I--

Duly noted, Lieutenant.

But we're going to try it his way
to protect Mr. Jackson.

Nearly 3:00 a.m.

And not a cackle from that hyena.

We must've scared him off.

-(BOTH GASPING)
- What's that?

JACKSON: Just my cat.

BATMAN: A Joker Fish!

(CAT SNICKERING)

It's affecting it. Look out!

(CAT SCREECHING)

(CHUCKLING)

(LAUGHING MANIACALLY)

(LAUGHING SLOVVS)

BATMAN: Even drugged, the cat went
straight for its master.

(SNICKERING)

(HISSING)

(CAT MEOWING)

BULLOCK: Oh, this is
just dandy, Commish.

Your pet bat's playing dress up

while the Joker's popping off
pencil pushers right and left.

Well, I ain't sticking around
to see who's next.

I got my own methods.

GORDON: Bullock!

Commissioner, have a look at this fish.

It's a Japanese tang,

not native to Gotham's cold waters.

GORDON: So where did it come from?

Freeze, copper!

I got you covered, see?

Well, if it ain't laughing boy's
little hench-wench.

You're outgunned, sugar.

Do tell.

(EXCLAIMS) What?

-(BLOWS)
-(SCREAMING)

Ooh, look at what I caught.

Kind of runty, though.

I'm gonna have to throw it back.

(LAUGHING)

(LAUGHING MANIACALLY)

JOKER: You know, Bullock,
you may be a lousy cop,

but you make a terrific worm.

(LAUGHING)

You won't get away with this.

He's right, you know.

You're kidding.

(SCREAMING)

If this lunchmeat
figured out where we are,

Batman won't be far behind.

And why spoil my sharkie's appetite

when I can feed him bigger fish?

Hmm? (CHUCKLING)

Ugh! Again with the fish. I hate fish.

- Uh, no offense, Mr. J.
- Poor Harley.

This caper's been kind of
rough on you, hasn't it?

Uh-huh.

Cheer up.

You can be my very own little mermaid.

Ooh.

(LAUGHING)

HARLEY: You're really sick,
you know that, boss?

Mmm-hmm.

-(JINGLE PLAYING)
- Huh?

(FARTING)

JOKER: Now, this fella here

came with his own grin.

See the resemblance?

And check out my catch of the day.

(MUFFLED YELLING)

Bullock.

(SPIT$)

I didn't need no bat computer to tell me

that weird lookin' minnow
came from an aquarium.

Yes, well, this is all
tremendously boring.

'Course, I can always amuse myself

watching old Harv
give my shark indigestion.

Yeah.

Wait!

Let him go.

I'm the one you're after.

Gee, and let my little guppy go hungry?

I don't know.

What do you think we can do about that?

You're right, Harley.

Fish are disgusting.

I think I'll start using
my toxin on cattle.

"Joker Burgers." Ha!

Talk about a Happy Meal.

(LAUGHING)

(SIGHING) You never could take a joke.

He doesn't stand a chance
against that monster!

- Yeah. Catch.
- Hey!

(JOKER LAUGHING)

(GASPING)

(VOCALIZING MERRILY)

(CHUCKLING)

Hey.Hey!

(POUNDING ON GLASS)

(MUFFLED SCREAMING)

(GRUNTING)

(LAUGHING MANIACALLY)

Oh! Ah! (LAUGHING)

(GRUNTING)

(GROANING)

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

(ALL SCREAMING)

Oopsie.

(LAUGHING)

Huh?

(COUGHING)

You Okay?

Just give him one for me, will you?

(JOKER LAUGHING)

Huh? (GROWLING)

(GROANING)

Meanwhile, back at the wrench.

Since my side-splitters
don't tickle you,

how about a skull-splitter?

Oh!

(EXCLAIMING)

There's no place left to go, Joker.

(GROWLING)

(EXCLAIMING INDIFFERENTLY)

(JOKER LAUGHING)

See, Batsy, I think of everything.

(LAUGHING)

Huh? (SCREAMING)

HARLEY: (SNIFFING) Oh, my poor,
poor pudding.

Come on, he was a demented,
abusive, psychotic maniac.

Yeah.

I'm really gonna miss him.

(SOBBING)

GORDON: Do you think he's gone for good?

Believe me, Jim,

I wish it were true.

But deep inside, I doubt it.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

English - SDH