Batman (1966–1968): Season 2, Episode 4 - The Cat and the Fiddle - full transcript

We have already seen a
department store catalog...

air-mailed out the window...

a model of a catamaran
sail earthward...

three little kittens
lose their mittens.

Gordon suspects the
Catwoman. How right he is.

Batman and Robin seek
to stifle the Cat's meow.

The Dynamic Duo calls
for help from a newsman.

Catwoman is a schoolmarm.

But the subjects are sinful.

Batman and Robin spring a trap.

It backfires.



All their plans go
out the window.

They land in a
fishnet. Be prepared.

Aunt Harriet swings with
the latest dance, the Cat Walk.

Bruce and Dick
construe the clue.

Batman and Robin scout the Sandbox,
but one bad turn deserves another.

A hotfoot.

Catwoman's scorching scheme.

In seconds the sun's searing rays
will burn their strong true hearts.

But hark, the ghastliest
goings-on are yet to transpire.

What time is it, Robin?

What time is it? Who
cares what time it is?

Judging from the
position of the sun...

in just 16 seconds, we're
going to have a respite.

How can you tell?



Don't you remember? There's
an eclipse of the sun due.

But that's only
for a half-minute.

That's all we'll need, Robin,
if my calculus is correct.

There it is.

We've only got
one chance, Robin.

Do exactly as I say.

Right, Batman.

Move the magnifying glass
precisely 14 degrees to your left.

I've calculated the azimuthal
equidistant projection of the sun's rays.

But be careful, Robin.

One degree too little, or too much,
and your hand will be reduced to an ash.

Ah!

That was the closest call
we've ever had, Batman.

I have to admit, I was scared.

I had no fear whatsoever, Robin.

- You didn't?
- Not a bit.

Haven't you noticed how we
always manage to escape...

the vicious ensnarements of
our underhanded opponents?

- Don't you know why?
- Because we're smarter than they are.

I prefer to believe it's
because our hearts are pure.

But just what was it she told
us before she left us to die?

Something about an
assault on Mount Gotham.

- Just where is Mount Gotham?
- Why, it's... It's... I don't know.

Holy Alps! I'd better
brush up on my geography.

- It won't do a bit of good in this case, Robin.
- It wouldn't?

Because there is no Mount Gotham.
There's a Mount Sack, a Mount Blank...

a Mount Gomery, but
there is no Mount Gotham.

Then what did she mean?

There are man-made mountains
in Gotham City's concrete jungle.

- What's the highest peak?
- The Gotham State Building.

Rising a magnificent 102
stories above the city's din.

What could she be doing at
the Gotham State Building?

We'll never find out standing
here, Robin. To the Batmobile.

Uh-Oh. Better put
5 cents in the meter.

No policeman's going to
give the Batmobile a ticket.

No matter, Robin. This money
goes toward building better roads.

We all must do our part.
Good citizenship, you know?

Holy taxation. You're
right again, Batman.

Batman. And Robin,
the Boy Wonder.

Well, what an
auspicious occasion.

Please, come into my office.
I'll have some soft drinks sent in.

There's no time for that,
we're here on official business.

Are there any special or
unusual events here today?

Hmm. Nothing that I
can think of off-hand.

Oh, wait a minute. Yes, there
is something. Here, I'll check.

This may be it.

Yes, yes, we've rented the
penthouse for a party late this afternoon.

- With whom did you make this transaction?
- With Mr. Zubin Zucchini.

Zubin Zucchini?

He's the eccentric millionaire who
cornered the sulfur market in the 1920s.

And established the world-famous
Ruby Match Company.

- Yeah, one and the same.
- Come on, Robin, there's no time to lose.

Hey, there's the great
Zubin Zucchini now.

Dressed like that and
getting into an armored truck?

- Must be some kind of a nut or something.
- You should be a kind of nut.

He's got 18 million bucks.
Give or take a grand or two.

Speak.

We're outside Zucchini's
house. He just flew the coop.

Splendid, proceed with plan A.

Well, I'm all
ready, young man...

Yes, young lady, what is it?

Are you Ms. Minerva Mathews,
the well-known wealthy recluse?

For lack of a better
cognomen, yes, I am.

Yes.

Can I help you, young man?

I'm the armored car driver, come to take
you to the Gotham State Building, ma'am.

Oh, good. Do you have the money?

Five hundred thousand dollars,
from your Christmas Club account.

Oh, good.

That Mr. Zucchini just...
Just insists upon cash.

He doesn't trust checks since
the banks bounced back in 1929.

Well...

- you drive very well, Mr...?
- Staphylococcus.

- What?
- Ralph Staphylococcus.

My friend calls me Ralph.

Ralphie, have you
had this job long?

Four years next
July 22nd, ma'am.

I'm studying to be an
accountant at night.

Can't raise three
kids on this salary.

Oh, you're married.
How nice for you.

Canary to cat. Canary to
cat. Bat has flown the belfry.

- Escaped the aluminum reflector.
- Curses, foiled again. Tsk.

Oh, that's my 11-year-old nephew,
Marshall. I gave him this little intercom.

We... He likes to
play cops and robbers.

He's got a mighty deep
voice for an 11-year-old.

He matured early.

Proceed with plan
B, notify all others.

- Mr. Zucchini, may I help you carry those, sir?
- No, open the door, then get lost.

- Yes, sir. I'll just see you to the elevator, sir.
- I can find an elevator by myself.

You just sign here, Ms.
Mathews. Receipt for the money.

Just a minute, my good man.

Here's a little gratuity to
help you along the way.

All right, boys,
out on the ledge.

But it's 102 stories
straight down.

Well, you've got
eight more lives. Out.

Did Catwoman just
enter this building?

- Catwoman? No, no, just a sweet little old lady.
- We'll see how sweet.

Catwoman's up there. She's about to
make off with the bundle, if we let her.

But we still don't know
what she's stealing.

Eight pieces of catgut.

- How much could they be worth?
- Plenty.

They're attached to
two Stradivarius violins.

Each one is being sold today
for a quarter of a million dollars.

A half a million in total.
Who's buying them?

Ms. Minerva Mathews.

The well-known
and wealthy recluse?

For cash. That's your sweet
little old lady, Mr. Cramer.

So there's a cool million in goods
and money for her to purloin, huh?

But why here?

The 112nd floor of the
Gotham State Building...

is the only place in Gotham City
with the proper altitude and humidity...

to inspect those violins. They haven't
been out of their cases in 30 years...

and might crack in the
improper atmosphere.

- Look, up there! Are they birds?
- Are they planes?

No, they're cat burglars.
Quickly, to the elevators.

Excuse me, citizens.

She's put the elevators
out of commission.

How will she escape?

She must have something in her devious mind.
The question is, how will we catch her?

I'll take me men and we'll
run up the 102 flights of stairs.

I don't have time for that.

The Batjet. Come on.

- What are those, Batman?
- Batjets, commissioner.

I haven't tried them yet, but
they shoot out enough power...

to get one of those
elevators up to the penthouse.

All right, everybody, back up,
back up, back up. Cover your ears.

Five, four, three,
two, one, lift-off.

Seems to be in excellent tune.

Ought to be,
paying enough for it.

There's only $499,000 here.

Yeah. I tipped the young driver a
thousand dollars for being so sweet.

Didn't think you'd mind.

Tip him with your own money.

It is my money, you old goat.

It's my money now.
A deal is a deal.

You are categorically wrong.

- What are you doing?
- I'm getting out of these mousey clothes...

and into the guise of...

Catwoman.

Catwoman?

- Now, hand over the cash, Zucchini.
- The heck, you say.

The heck I says it.

Maybe you can bully an aging
mogul, but not me, Catwoman.

Robin, my little chickadee,
how nice to see you again.

You better come quietly, Catwoman.
It looks like you've been thwarted.

Look again, my effervescent elf.

- Ow!
- Let's can the gab-athon...

and throw this rascal out.

I might have known
you were involved.

A person like you can give a
bad name to gossip columnists.

You'll never get out of here,
it's 102 stories straight down.

And the police will
be waiting for you.

- Uhn!
- We're not going straight down.

We're going straight
up, sweetheart.

This is our ticket to freedom.

You're all right, Jack.

Shall we throw the
kid over the side?

Yeah, it's time to pin
the climax of this stanza.

Batman, where are you?

Is this the one time
you'll be too late?

Unhand that boy, and be quick
about it, or I'll know the reason why.

I thought it was
curtains this time.

Save your strength, Robin. You'll
need it all to help subdue these cats.

I think all we have
to do now is blast off.

You can't get away
from Batman that easy.

- Easily.
- Easily.

- Good grammar is essential, Robin.
- Thank you, Batman.

You're welcome.
Now, let's get them.

Blast off.

Giddyap.

Get out.

Giddyap.

Careful, Robin,
it's quite a drop.

You contemptible cat burglar.

You thieving thugs.

Drat, drat, double drat.

Giddyap.

Get out. Get out
of there. Get out.

Catwoman's escaped.

I don't think so, she
knows the place is covered.

She must be out on that ledge.

Be careful, Catwoman.
There's no way out. Come back.

I'd rather die.

Don't be ridiculous.

You've convinced me.

Take hold of this Batrope.
Secure it about your waist.

What do I do with
the Stradivari-i?

Drop them, they were phonies
anyhow. Better let go of the money too.

Someone at the
bottom will pick it up.

Hold on, Catwoman,
I'll pull you up.

Oops.

- Batman?
- I'm okay, Robin. Just get us out of here.

- Batman, you saved my life.
- It was the least I could do.

How can I ever combat you
again after all you've done for me?

Let's hope it never
comes to that, Catwoman.

Because in the end, voracity
and rectitude always triumph.

- Batman, are you spoken for?
- Mm-hm.

Married, engaged,
or going steady?

My crime fighting leaves me
little time for social engagements.

Boy, have I got a girl for you.

Well, Catwoman, I guess
that's goodbye for 10 to 20 years.

You've been really
swell, Batman.

What with testifying
against me at the trial and all.

You'll never know how
much I appreciated that.

I have to do my job, Catwoman.

- I guess you do.
- Don't fret.

With good behavior you could
be out in seven and a half years.

I'll be an old tabby by then.

Never fear, there will always be someone
waiting for one as beauteous as you.

That's the nicest thing
you could have said.

May I?

- I wonder if we've seen the end of her.
- I wouldn't hazard a guess, Robin.

Why, Batman, are you blushing?

It's the... The heat of
the day, commissioner.

- Oh.
- Unseasonably warm, don't you think?