Batman (1966–1968): Season 2, Episode 33 - The Sandman Cometh - full transcript

Catwoman and the Sandman have teamed up, and they're after the fortunes of J. Pauline Spaghetti, a rich insomniac. Catwoman pulls a publicity stunt, getting the Sandman (under the guise of "Dr. Somnambula") an invitation to Spaghetti's penthouse - and her financial records. Batman and Robin investigate the situation, but soon find themselves trapped by the criminals.

Another pleasant night
steals over Gotham City.

And speaking of stealing...

what unholy alliance is this?

The Catwoman and that cunning
continental criminal, the Sandman?

My record's been
clean for months.

I'm no longer even on parole.

You can't blame me
for not trusting you.

After all, I haven't been
in Gotham City for long.

If you didn't think you could trust me, why
did you go to the trouble of finding me...

and asking my advice and help?

Good point.

Two of my henchmen
are waiting in the corridor...

to put the rest of my
somnambulistic scheme to work.

Sweet dreams, Sandman.

- How did it go, Sandman?
- Like a lullaby. She can be of great help to me.

What a cat-and-mouse
game, Catwoman.

We were so fascinatingly feline.

Thank you, kittens.

Soon J. Pauline Spaghetti's
fortune will be in my claws alone.

And Sandman will find himself
entwined in my cat's cradle forever.

And when J. Pauline Spaghetti's
fortune is in my hands...

I'll put Catwoman
to sleep forever.

I have fed the
catfish, Catwoman...

- watered the caterpillar ferns...
- Mm.

And re-made your
couch in your favorite...

- cat-skin comforter.
- Mm.

And now I should pick
up some fresh catnip.


Fresh catnip at
this time of night?

- Commissioner Gordon.
- This is Policewoman Mooney.

Your hunch was right.


Policewoman Mooney!
Policewoman Mooney!

Something's happened.

Just as we suspected,
Chief O'Hara.

Sandman and
Catwoman are in cahoots.

In spite of all her
promises to go straight. Ha.

You know what this could
mean to Gotham City?

'Tis an ill wind that blows
across this proud borough tonight.

I hesitate calling on
Batman at this hour, but...

Especially since no
crime has been committed.

No crime? My every
instinct tells me...

that a member of our own fine force,
Policewoman Mooney, is in dire danger.

And who knows what may follow...

when Gotham City's foremost
female felon, Catwoman...

has aligned herself with
Europe's crack criminal, Sandman.

I must alert the Caped
Crusader for the sake of us all.

There it is again.

That funny beeping
sound from Bruce's study.

Uh, no doubt some of his
hi-fi equipment needs adjusting.

Now, excuse me, madam.


Beeping with
Bruce out of the city?

I'm sorry to report, sir, but Batman
is away on personal business.

Oh. Uh, of course. Thank you.

He's away on personal business.

I'm afraid we've been overlooking
something, Chief O'Hara.

Batman has a life of his own
which we know nothing about.

Well, even Batman is
entitled to a wee bit of privacy.

Oh, if I might
make a suggestion.

Do. Please do.

- The Bat-Signal, commissioner.
- Good.

Meanwhile in the back country...

Bruce, the Bat-Signal.

There must be
trouble in Gotham City.

I sure hope Batman sees it.

Yes, so do I.

Sack time, fellas.

Go down to the creek
and brush your teeth.

Then come back and
hit the old sleeping bags.

We better get back to town.

How? We can't take these boys out of
here on a 20-mile hike this time of night.

What's the matter?

My ear's ringing.

It's probably the altitude.

Some altitude.

It keeps saying, "To the Batpoles,
to the Batpoles, to the Batpoles."

What do we have here?

An advertising stunt?

Or maybe something
else entirely?

Do you really
think she's asleep?

Or else she's
putting on a great act.

Good heavens, who's that man?

He can't be part of the display.

You mean the young lady taken out of that
window wasn't even employed by your store?

That's right, the girl we hired wasn't supposed
to go to sleep on the job until noon today.

While no one was watching, this other
female managed to get through security...

and make her way to the bed.

Of course, she was
asleep in an instant.

Those Morpheus Mattresses.

Like sleeping on a zephyr.

This is no time for a
sales pitch, Mr. Smuggly.

I'll call you back as soon as
we have something to go on.

Good thing we don't run this department
like he runs that slumber section. Heh.

Slumber section, Morpheus
Mattresses, sleeping on a zephyr?

Mother Machree, we're
on the same wavelength.

- Sandman?
- Can there be any doubt about it?

Or that Catwoman
is somehow involved?

Be careful of that. It's
still warm from the last try.

Grain by grain, the hen
fills her belly, Chief O'Hara.


A pithy proverb about patience.
Batman told it to me himself.

Alfred, that beeping sound
is beginning to disturb me.

I'll have another go
at the hi-fi, madam.


No, sir. I regret
to inform you...

One second. He's here now.

I've been sorely tempted to
have this device disconnected, sir.

I well understand, Alfred.
Yes, commissioner?

Batman. Batman.

I... I won't waste time telling you how
glad I am to have finally reached you.

Please don't. Go on.

Well, we suspect that canny continental
crook, Sandman, is in Gotham City...

has made contact with
Catwoman, and the two of...

Say no more. We'll be there in a
matter of minutes, commissioner.

About that ringing
in your ears...

Oh, it's louder than ever.

- To the Batpoles!
- To the Batpoles!

Once more, what do we have here?

Today's exclusive
scoop is Sleeping Beauty.

Or rather the young
lady who was abducted...

from the Morpheus Mattress
window display this morning...

and miraculously
made her escape...

and just appeared in our
studio here to tell her story.

- Catwoman. CATWOMAN:
No, I'm not here to tell my story.

She should get an
award for sheer gall.

I'm here to tell about the most
heavenly sleep I've ever had.

Yes. Well, there I was.

Your run-of-the-mill customer...

having just bought
this nightgown.

When I saw the mattress display in the
window, well, I thought I'd catch a cat...

Forty winks.

And the next moment, there
I was sleeping like a dream.

Completely unaware that
you were in a store window.

Oh, unaware.

Thanks to Dr. Somnambula...

I can sleep anywhere, anytime.

Dr. Somnambula?

I'm sorry, but this is no
place for free commercials.

I wouldn't do that.

Well, you see, I bought all these
nightgowns, but I couldn't sleep.

Dr. Somnambula cured me.

Dr. Somnambula can
make anyone sleep.

Uh... Uh...

Let's get back
to your abduction.

Shall we, ladies and
gentlemen? Ha-ha.

She's gone. Heh-heh.

Of course she's gone.

There's a devious and dangerous
design here someplace, Chief O'Hara.

I'm beginning to think
you're right, commissioner.

And what audacious arrogance.

Where the devil is Batman?

But while the Caped Crusaders...

head for their rendezvous
with a diabolical destiny...

once more, what do we have here
in this abandoned mattress factory?

You surprised me, Catwoman.

I saw the broadcast, you
were charmingly convincing.

- Except when I almost said "catnap." Hm?
- But you didn't.

Your disguise was perfect
and it worked like a dream.

Now all of Gotham City will
have heard of Dr. Somnambula...

and no one will suspect that I shall
be he. Not even J. Pauline Spaghetti.

Don't be alarmed. That phone is listed
as my office. Pretend you're my nurse.

Dr. Somnambula's office.

Uh, this is J. Pauline Spaghetti.
Hm. I'd like to speak to the doctor.

The doctor is quite busy at
the moment, Mrs. Spaghetti.

There are 80 patients in the
office, 206 in the waiting room...

and the line outside extends
around Gotham Park several times.

I am only interested in my
own problems, nobody else's.

I saw that Sleeping
Beauty on television today.

Uh, I want to know what
his fee is for a penthouse call.

Penthouse call.

Fifty thousand dollars.

I will give him a hundred
thousand if he's here in 10 minutes.

Top floor of the J.
Pauline Spaghetti Hotel.

I'll give him your
message, Mrs. Spaghetti.

He'll try to get
back to you today.

- Did we get the 50?
- Hundred thousand.

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. What fun I'll
have with all those billions of dollars.

You'll have, Sandman?

We'll have, Catwoman.

That's better.

I do hope this little caper
will attract Batman and Robin.

I hope so too. That's where I
thought you'd be invaluable.

- As a decoy for the Dynamic Duo?
- Not exactly a decoy.

Between us, we should be able
to handle the caped crime-fighters.


- That was a quick trip.
- Yes.

Commissioner Gordon and Chief
O'Hara didn't have much to offer.

One, a policewoman has vanished.

Two, Catwoman and Sandman
are apparently in cahoots.

Three, a girl was abducted
from a store window.

Four, she turned
up on television.

And five, she disappeared.

You're right,
Batman, it's nothing.

Of course, as Commissioner Gordon says,
it all could be building up to something.

Let's try putting ourselves
into Sandman's shoes.

What would he be after?

Money. Isn't that what
we've always heard?

Exactly, old chum.

And into whose eyes would he
scatter his sand to get that money?

Someone very rich.

And very likely, someone
who has trouble sleeping.

Or why the pointed plug on
television for Dr. Somnambula?

Holy alter ego.

You think Sandman and
Dr. Somnambula are one and the same?

I do, Robin. And I also think that
ersatz Sleeping Beauty is Catwoman.

And it's all some murky masquerade to
hoodwink a hapless, sleepless moneybags.

Now, can you name
some famous insomniacs?

Well, there was Olaf
the Sad of Norway.

He's been dead for 800 years.

And that famous Chinese
historian, Fu Hop Chung.

Born with no eyelids.

The French empress whose head stayed
awake even after she'd been guillotined?

Poor creature. No, no, it must be
someone here in Gotham City right now.

Let's give the
Batcomputer a crack at it.

Batman, look!


What skinny macaroni.

No. It's spaghetti, Robin.

A variety of elementary paste...

larger than vermicelli, but
not as tubular as maca...

That's it. Spaghetti.

J. Pauline Spaghetti, one of
the richest women in the world...

who made a fortune in noodles...

and who searched the world over
for a solution to her sleeping problems.

Is that the J. Pauline Spaghetti who
owns the J. Pauline Spaghetti Hotel?

One and the same. And she's right
here at that hotel in Gotham City now.

There isn't a second
to waste, Robin.

How long have you been suffering
from insomnia, Mrs. Spaghetti?

Ever since I made my second
billion with my secret noodle recipe.

Heh-heh. That's
very interesting.

Oh, about seven years ago, I
did doze for a few moments...

at a rock 'n' roll concert.

Since then, nothing.

I'm sure I can help
you, Mrs. Spaghetti.

First of all...

let's see what the
stethoscope tells us.

What does the stethoscope
tell you about my forehead?

Ha-ha-ha. My
dear Mrs. Spaghetti.

The intransitive roots of your sensory-motor
activity are located right here...

between your paladinious canals
and your sinualidated cavities.


Are you asleep, Mrs. Spaghetti?

Yes, doctor.

Where do you keep
your financial records?

In my dressing table,
just like any other woman.

Get them for me.

Here's my financial journal.

Go back to bed again and
lie down, Mrs. Spaghetti.

Sweet dreams, and
let nothing disturb you.

"Oil fields:

Texas, Oklahoma, Saudi
Arabia, Outer Mongolia.

Diamond mines: Montana,
South Africa, Brazil.

Cash deposits: Gotham City National
Bank, Gotham City Security Bank...

Gotham City Continental
Bank, Gotham City..."

I told you to stay on the
terrace in case I ran into trouble.

You've run into trouble.

A funny-looking jalopy parked
in the rear alley a minute ago.

Some kind of a hook
snagged the terrace railing.

And two way-out characters are climbing
up the wall on ropes. Real weirdoes.

Batman and Robin.
Get out of here.

By the front way.

I'll wrap this up in a jiffy.

- What happened?
- You've been in the land of Nod...

Mrs. Spaghetti. Not for
long, but it was a start.

Oh, wonderful.

You are my savior,
Dr. Somnambula.

Oh, I want you
always by my side.

I want you to
call me J. Pauline.

Batman. Robin. What brings you here?
- He did.

If he's Dr. Somnambula.

Oh, indeed he is. My own
beloved Dr. Somnambula.

He has just given me the first
real sleep I have had in years.

We have good
reason to believe...

that Dr. Somnambula is also Sandman,
the notorious European criminal.

And after your money.

That is utterly ridiculous.

He may just have stolen
something while you were asleep.

- Do you keep your valuables here?
- Yes.

My dressing table drawer.

You must keep busy, Batman.

Climbing walls and making
unfounded accusations.


We know you're in
cahoots with Catwoman.

Catwoman? Who is Catwoman?

We'll talk about that later.
And if anything's missing...

There is nothing missing.

My jewelry.

My financial ledger.

Two or 300,000 dollars I
keep for pin money. It is all here.

- Are you sure?
- I am positive.

And I refuse to listen to any more nonsense
about that medical genius, Dr. Somnambula.


He's gone.

Oh. You've driven him away
with your stupid charges.

I'm sorry.

Even before he was paid.

I apologize.

Oh, how can I ever sleep again?

I don't know whether I can
help you with that, Mrs. Spaghetti.

Perhaps if we left you alone.

Yes. Suppose you do that.

That door leads to the hall.

The hall leads to the elevator.

The elevator leads to the street.
It's quicker than any Batrope.

Moments later, in the
Morpheus Mattress Factory...

Batman and Robin are
back on the Sandman's trail.

That was a brainstorm of yours.

Checking with Commissioner Gordon about
the signs in Sleeping Beauty's window.

Our encounter with J. Pauline
Spaghetti woke me up a little, old chum.

But let's beware and be wary.

There is something about this
place that seems a little strange.

It's nap time for both of you.

All right, boys, put him to bed.

This machine will button
you up forever, Batman.

Wonder Boy, or whatever
they call you, start the machine.

Robin. What have
they done to you?

I'm sorry we can't remain for the last stitch,
but you were right about me and Catwoman.

And I promised her a little
souvenir of this quilting bee.

Robin will fill the
bill nicely. Take him.