Batman (1966–1968): Season 2, Episode 31 - The Puzzles Are Coming - full transcript

The Puzzler, a villain with a fondness for both Shakespeare and aviation, indicates he is after the fortunes of Artemus Knab. He convinces the billionaire to invest in his puzzle balloon business, but when the Dynamic Duo find tha...

Another serene
day in Gotham City.

But on the terrace of a penthouse
suite atop the sky-high Gotham Arms...

storm clouds gather.

Puzzler, what if Artie Knabi
finds us in his penthouse?

It's Artemus Knab, Rocket.

He isn't due back
till later today...

and I have a passkey.
I don't think he'd mind.

You see, as
Shakespeare would say:

"We are birds of the
selfsame feather."

All right, Glider, Blimpy, is
the model plane ready to soar?

Just like you said, Puzzler.
- Ha, ha!

Yes, this should startle
the pillars of the law.

The caterpillars of the commonwealth
which I have sworn to weed and pluck away.

A quotation from
the bard, Rocket.

- Phoo. Wow.
- King Richard II.

And I would particularly like to see it
sail through that window down there.

I realize your prison facilities are
becoming overcrowded, Warden Crichton.

Doubtless that could be attributed
to the efficiency of this department.


Me thinks I'll
launch this myself.

That? Well, for your information,
Warden Crichton, that was an explosion.

Yes, right here in this office.

Commissioner, are you all right?

- What happened?
- I don't know.

Model plane just sailed through
the window and dropped a bomb.

Oh, a child's prank, no doubt.

Some child. A
window this high up?

What's that? A message attached?

Oh. Uh...

"Forsooth, the
puzzles are coming"?

"I know a bank where the wild time
blows, inside out the puzzle goes."

Are you thinking what
I'm thinking, Chief O'Hara?

- Aren't I always, commissioner?
- Well, then.

Sure, and who
else could it be...

but the Puzzler himself come
to confound and confuse us?

I know we've been working the
Caped Crusader overtime lately.

But I feel I'd be shirking my duty
to the populous of Gotham City...

if I didn't call on his
help in this dire crisis.

Why, Dick, it worked.
Wren heard you.

Yes, Dick, your birdcalls
are close to perfect.

If more people practice them...

someday we might have a chance for real
communication with our feathered friends.

In that case, I think I'll polish
up my ruby-crowned kinglet...

and my rose-breasted
yellow-tailed grosbeak calls.

The Batphone, sir.

Why don't you continue practicing
those calls out at White's Pond, Dick? Heh.

White's Pond, Dick.

I could get some fishing
in at the same time.

Let's go.

- Those two, always on the move.
- Youth, madam, youth.

Yes, commissioner.

Right away.

To the Batpoles.

There is no doubt
about it, gentlemen.

Puzzler's maleficent
methods are legendary.

Plus the fact that they're usually
connected with an aviatic caper.

Along with his
Shakespearean touches.

Holy Hamlet.

In this particular instance...

it's the backward
puzzle that intrigues me.

- Backward, Batman?
- Yes, "I know a bank...

where the wild time blows,
inside out the puzzle goes."

Maybe he's asking a question.
Like, "What will I rob next?"


But we all know the Puzzler
uses reverse logic from...


Why, that's it.

"Inside out."

Robin, take the word
bank and spell it backwards.

K-N-A-B. Knab.

- Add A for Artemus.
- Holy deposit slip.

Artemus Knab. One of
the richest men in the world.

- And he's right here in Gotham City now.
- Correct, Robin.

And some of Artemus Knab's millions
come from his aviation monopoly.

Along with his many
other monopolies.

Gentlemen, I strongly
suspect that Puzzler's prime...

and present target
is Artemus Knab.

You've done it again, Batman.

Chief O'Hara, take some men over
to Artemus Knab's penthouse suite...

at the Gotham Arms immediately.

A moment, commissioner.

May we handle this? I
welcome the opportunity...

to cross swords, as
it were, with Puzzler.

And we won't attract as much
attention as a police squad moving in.

By all means, Batman, if
that's the way you want it.

We haven't a
moment to lose, Robin.

Whoever they are
beneath those masks...

You've said that
before, commissioner.

And I'll say it to my
dying day, Chief O'Hara.

Gotham City owes the Dynamic
Duo a debt which can never be repaid.

Well, if this Artemus Knab is as rich
as they say, maybe he can help a little.

That's what I said, sell. I don't
care what happens to the market.

I'll give you 5200 for Park
Place and not a penny more.

- Six thousand.
- Fifty-eight now, two when I pass Go. Move.

Yes. Did you get a
quote on Pan Uranium?

Good, buy all you can get.
I don't know how, just buy it.

And I'll give you
5000 for Boardwalk.


What do you mean, you can't
find a 200-foot diesel yacht?

I don't know how, just find it.

This castle hath
a pleasant seat.


So the movie is 5
million over budget.

Who cares? It's my 5
million. Keep shooting.

Hold my calls.

Now, what's all this
about castles and seats?

Macbeth, Act 1.

But you do have a splendid
penthouse, Artemus.

I can see you enjoy
the pleasures of life.

Mm-hm. Ha-ha-ha.

One hotel is the
same as another to me.

I couldn't have
put it better myself.

Oh, good. Good. I like a
partner who agrees with me.

Yes, that always makes
for a better partnership.

Now, by two-headed Janus...

nature hath framed
strange fellows in her time.

Art thou not verily
the Caped Crusaders?

You mean Batman and Robin?

I'm sorry we came in
unannounced, Mr. Knab...

via Batropes up the side of
the building. I'll explain presently.

- Yes, Puzzler, I am Batman.
- And I'm Robin.

We suspected you'd be in town.

And we also had reason to believe he'd be
in this penthouse suite with you, Mr. Knab.

Is that your explanation
for interrupting it?

We thought you
might be in trouble.

I'm Artemus Knab. I'm
never in trouble. Never.

And he's Puzzler, who knows
every weasel word in the book.

Weasel words, as you
put it, are no concern to me.

Puzzler has come up with a novel idea
out of which I expect to make millions.

More millions.

And if that's trouble,
Batman, I'd like a lot more of it.

You mean more honest millions?

Young man, there's no
easier buck to be made...

- in this world than an honest buck.
- Oh, how true.

I'm sorry, Mr. Knab.

Robin is sometimes
inclined to be a bit impetuous.

Impetuous and curious about
that backward puzzle of yours.

Yes, Puzzler, just what is your novel
idea for increasing Mr. Knab's coffers?

My usual novel method, Batman.

These are highly
competitive days.

Anyone with a product to sell must
look for a new and unique approach...

to publicity and advertising.

- Publicity?
- Advertising?

Yes, for this new venture.

I'm backing Puzzler in the
manufacture of puzzle balloons.

- Something seldom done before.
- Never done before.

Mm. It should make an interesting
addition to my airplane monopoly.

Not to mention my
movie-studio monopoly.

My stock-market monopoly,
my ship-building monopoly...

my various other
lesser monopolies.

Care to see a
sample of our wares?

Here, Boy Wonder.

You're obviously not too
old to play with balloons.

Maybe not.

But I'm old enough to recognize
a bunco artist when I see one.

Really, Artemus?

How much more am I expected to
take from this caped nincompoop?

Nothing more. But allow me
one last warning, Mr. Knab.

Your new business partner is
not called Puzzler for nothing.

Forgive the intrusion.
Let's go, Robin.

Uh, use the front
door. It's faster that way.

I just hate to see a reasonably successful
multibillionaire like Artemus Knab...

taken for a ride by that shady,
pseudo-Shakespearean swindler.

I suspect even Puzzler's met
his match in Artemus Knab.

But let's see what problem this
sample balloon poses, shall we?

"If you knew a hawk
from a handsaw...

would you know a
parrot from a plane?"

Maybe he was telling the truth.
Sample balloon, a silly puzzle.

I'm not sure.

"A hawk from a handsaw" is in a
line from Hamlet, Act 2, Scene 2.

"I know a hawk from a
handsaw," if I remember properly.

But a parrot from
a plane, airplane...

Of course.

Puzzler said the balloon
might entertain us.

And an airplane and
entertainment mean only one thing.

Holy flight plan.

Artemus Knab's coming-out party for
his new fantastic plane, the Retsoor.

Yes, with some of the crème de la
crème of Gotham City society attending.

And that among other things
spells expensive jewelry.

Puzzles, airplanes, jewelry.

- Let's get to the airport.
- Right, Robin.

A short time later, in an airplane
hangar at Gotham City Airport...

Ahem. Your attention, please.

Ahem. Ladies and gentlemen...

friends, folks...

I hereby christen the Retsoor...

code name for this
experimental model...

of my X-1000 counter insurgency
reconnaissance jet plane.

At the same time, outside
the hangar, a strange delivery.

Well, have a good time.

And remember, your donations
are going to a very worthy cause.

Research for my
aviation monopoly.


Zounds, that was a close call. I
thought Artemus Knab would have left.

- Artemus Knab? In that beat-up old jalopy?
- He's a trifle eccentric.

Hey, why didn't
you introduce me?

He'll never make me a movie
star if he never meets me.

Harp not on that string, Rocket.

Sweep on, you fat
and greasy citizens.

Fat and greasy?

A favorite line of mine
from As You Like it, Blimpy.

Translated, it
means, "Get going."

This caper calls for
split-second timing.

I don't get it. If you plan to steal the
airplane, why waste time with the jewelry?

A little extra pocket money
never came amiss, Blimpy.

My mission is to photograph Retsoor's
controls, yours is to line our pockets.

Let the masquerade
commence. On with the play.

Get your puzzle balloons here.

Don't forget it.

Folks, the kiddies'll love them.

Here you are, folks.
Take all you want.

Sticks. BLIMPY: Ready.

Pow. Pow.

That invisible puzzle balloon
gas is doing yeoman service.

Bewildering our prey is far
better than knocking them out.

Wow, I just wanna
touch all those jewels.

Frailty, thy name is woman.

We must not hesitate. Our
uninvited guests will be here presently.


Wow, wow. Wow, wow, wow.

Sweets to the sweet. Farewell.
Rocket, depart by yonder portal.

We'll see you at the factory.
- Gee, thanks.

All the world's a
stage. Now we wait.

Just what I wanted, to
catch you in the act, Puzzler.

My timing is perfect.

Lord, what fools
these mortals be.

Puzzle balloons for
the Dynamic Duo, boys.

There's something
in the air, Robin.

The game's afoot,
curtain going up.

Aye, and the Caped Crusaders
muddled and mazed like all the others.

Do we liquidate them now, boss?

No, Glider, I have a far more
delicious idea for their demise.

And now to snap a few
pictures of the plane's cockpit...

and then for some more
puzzles. On with the show.

"What letter is ne'er
perceived in the alphabet?"

The letter you put in the mailbox.
But what could that mean?

Maybe the answer is on...

this piece of paper
which was in that balloon.

Gosh, Batman, it might be.

And also might be the reason Puzzler
or one of his heinous henchman...

pinned that balloon on me while
I was momentarily incapacitated.

"Yay, verily, the answer is
a fence in this world's globe."


Of course, a fence is someone
who buys stolen jewelry.

Mm. Mm. I don't think Puzzler would
make it that easy for us, old chum.

The hammer spring of a
gun lock is also called a fence.

And they say a horse fence
as well when he leaps a fence.

Maybe that's it, Batman.
Just a plain fence.

Maybe Puzzler wants
to make it easy for us.

Hm. If we follow that line of
reasoning, what constitutes a fence?

- Boards, palings, rail, wire, posts.
- Mm. Mm. Mm. Mm. Mm.

Post, like the letter you put
in a mailbox. It's a double clue.

Yeah, but the answer is a fence.

An enclosure, something
separating one yard from another.

- Barnyard, graveyard, shipyard, railroad yard.
- Mm. Mm. Mm. Mm!

Railroad yard. We
may be on to it, Robin.

The main post office is located
directly adjacent to the railroad yard.

And somewhere in that facility,
Puzzler plans to sell his stolen jewelry.

I've got it.

The Old Globe Balloon Factory is
also adjacent to the railroad yard.

I should have seen
that from the start.

One moment, please.

- Now, may I help you?
- I'd like to see Puzzler, please.

- Your names, please?
- Batman.

And Robin.

- If you're salesmen...
- We're not.

Well, I'm sorry, the Puzzler told
me he's not seeing anyone today.

At the risk of sounding conceited,
young lady, we are not just anyone.

Let's go, Robin.

Just as you thought, Puzzler.
They're on their way in right now.

Man the barricades.

All right, Puzzler, your insidious
little game is, as they say, up.

Not quite, Batman. I know
a trick worth two of that.


I'd say this calls
for drastic action.

Ow, ow, ow. Hey.

Batman, help.

- What are you gonna do with those?
- The point envenomed too.

- Ouch!
- Batman.


Boy, that's really
giving them the needle.

The slings and arrows of
outrageous fortune, Rocket.

There's something in the
wind, Caped Crusaders.

Holy Graf Zeppelin,
an aerial balloon.

And here's another
little surprise for you.

You see this altimeter?
When you reach 20,000 feet...

an automatic mechanism will
release the basket from the balloon...

and you both will re-affirm
Newton's law of universal gravitation...

back down 20,000 feet.

Bet even Shakespeare didn't
have words for such villainy.

Glider, Blimpy.

- Hey, you guys want some gum?
- Really, Ramjet?

That's what they give you
in airlines before you take off.

No, thank you.

Litter bug.

Now, for the launching,
give me the dagger.

This is the
unkindest cut of all.

Farewell, Dynamic Duo.

Bon voyage, happy landings.

Adieu, adieu, remember me.