Batman (1966–1968): Season 1, Episode 13 - The Thirteenth Hat - full transcript

Another glorious
morning in Gotham City.

The day people are just starting to work and
the night people are ready to call it a day.

My Super Instant
Mesmerizer, it never fails.

Okay, boys, carry him out.

Hey, just a minute.
That's my cap.

Take him along too, boys.

Look. Look, look. You, what
are you doing with my hat?

Add him to the list.

Right.

Three more hats stolen right
out from under our noses...

not to mention their owners.



I would say a pattern is
beginning to take shape.

- A pattern, sir?
- A villainous pattern, indeed.

At this rate, no hat in Gotham
City will be safe from Jervis Tetsch.

You mean the accursed Mad Hatter
is back to his fiendish practices?

Who else?

It was a sad day indeed when
the word "parole" was coined.

If memory serves
me, commissioner...

the Mad Hatter not only is a mortal
enemy of Gotham City, but also of...

Precisely, Chief O'Hara.

The Cowled Crusader himself was a
witness at the Mad Hatter's last trial.

We have no other
choice, we need his help.

And now, let's hope to
heaven we can reach him.

But can they reach him...

or are millionaire Bruce Wayne
and his youthful ward, Dick Grayson...



up to something else this
morning in Stately Wayne Manor?

I'll summon him, sir.

- You sent to Italy for that piece of rock?
- Piece of rock?

Why, this is Carrara marble, Dick. Famous
from antiquity and still being quarried.

Gee, Carrara marble.

Ah. And it's just possible this bust was
sculptured by the famous Carnata himself.

- Gosh, Carnato?
- One of the great masters.

When we have time, I'll acquaint you
with the various processes of sculpturing.

It's fascinating art to which I
devoted many hours of study.

I'd sure like to hear about it.

Forgive me for interrupting,
sir, but it's the Batphone.

Hot diggity.

I'm in a quandary, Bruce.

The Gotham City Gourmet
Society tea tasting is this afternoon...

and I don't know whether
to start with oolong or pekoe.

Well, whatever decision you make, Aunt
Harriet, I'm sure it'll be the right one.

Uh, they just called to report they sighted
a black-footed albatross at Slater Slew.

And maybe a fork-tailed petrel.

A fork-tailed petrel and
a black-footed albatross...

on the day of the tea tasting?

You know how they are about
their bird sighting, madam.

Yes, commissioner.

Jervis Tetsch, the Mad
Hatter, is at large again.

- Him again.
- We'll be right over.

To the Batpoles.

I couldn't agree more. It's
obviously the work of the Mad Hatter.

Nobody's safe while that
human scourge prowls our streets.

It's possible he's planning to unleash
a new reign of terror in our fair city.

Terrifying defenseless citizens with that
Super Instant Mesmerizer in his high hat.

Devil of a trademark.
Where will he stop?

In a court of law, Chief O'Hara,
where he's been stopped before.

Exactly.

But when you testified
against him at his last trial...

he said he'd get you if it
was the last thing he ever did.

Few men die of threats, Robin.

Commissioner Gordon.

Yes. Right away.

He struck again. He just stole the fire chief's
hat and the fire chief from the convention hall.

- Holy helmets.
- Will you be needing reinforcements?

Thanks, chief. I think the best thing
is for you and your men to stand by...

- until we catch this tricky devil.
- You have our gratitude.

Thank you, Commissioner Gordon.
Fighting crime deserves no gratitude.

It's my fervent hope that warped minds such
as his can be rehabilitated once and for all.

Clear all exits
for the Batmobile.

I repeat, clear all
exits for the Batmobile.

But at the same time, in this old
building, which doubles as a warehouse...

and the secret hideout for the
Mad Hatter and his slippery stooges:

There. Two more to go, and the dummies
of the conniving jury that convicted me...

will at last be properly topped.

- How whimsical, Jervis.
- Thank you, Lisa.

It's a pleasure to share my
moments of triumph with you.

I'm supposed to be on my coffee break.
At least, that's what I told Madam Magda.

Madam Magda, little does she
know she's to be my next victim.

Oh, how merry, Jervis.

Before we get to the next victim,
why don't we get to the next meal?

Getting bonnets for these dummies
ain't filling our stomachs, boss.

- Or our wallets.
- Our wallets will be filled, boys...

as soon as I have completed the most
fantastic hat snatch of my glorious career.

Batman's cowl?

- Precisely.
- Jervis, that's positively waggish.

Waggish maybe, but taking
on Batman's a big order, boss.

The biggest. Not only will I add
his cowl to my unique collection...

but I will have exposed our
monstrous enemy once and for all...

before he meets his gory end.

You rogue.

Many others have
tried killing Batman.

Many others do not have the lethal
equipment of my hat factory, Dicer.

Start the motors.

Excellent for shearing rabbit fur.
Think what it would do to a man's skin.

Jervis, I don't dare.

These stretchers form felt
in the shape of hat crowns.

What form would they shape
a man's muscles and marrow?

Mush, oatmeal mush.

Crown croppers.

And this, a felt shredder.

Or should I say, "A
shredder of the chubby felt"?

And this, for shrinking
and sizing hat bodies.

But why not shrink and size
the body of Batman himself?

Oh, my heart leaps with joy
when I think that one day...

my dastardly adversary may
end up as a hat brim or crown.

Or even a tassel
on a tam-o'-shanter.

A tam-o'-shanter. Oh, you pixie.

Oh.

I swore vengeance when he testified
against me, and I'll get it. I'll get it.

- Of course you will, darling.
- Yeah? When do we get our bread?

I heard that, Cappy.

And why do you think I snatched
the owner of each hat the way I did?

The jury is still out.

What an antique idea.

We'll reach a verdict, soon.

Two more jurors and I ask the biggest
ransom Gotham City's ever heard of.

All of this country's presidents' hats
currently on loan at the Gastonian Institution.

Presidents' hats?

Yes. Washington's, Jefferson's,
Lincoln's, Grant's. Worth millions.

You're a genius, Jervis.

And all topped by Batman's cowl.

Oh, don't worry, boys. It'll be
top hat and tails from now on.

It may be tougher
that you think...

trapping the Batman in his hideout
without getting the cops involved.

Oh, ha, ha. I've thought of that too,
Cappy. That's why I picked another spot.

That's where you...

and Madam Magda come in, Lisa.

And here's where I leave. I
can't be late for work, Jervis.

After all, I don't want jeopardize
my job with the millinery shop.

Don't worry, my dear,
it'll all be so simple.

So very simple.

But what of Batman and Robin?

Little realizing the enormity of the
Mad Hatter's abominable schemes...

our Dauntless Duo cross-questions
a frightened hat-check girl.

- Now, perhaps if you started again, Miss, uh...
- Babette.

People call me
Babette. That's my name.

The robbery, the kidnapping.

It all happened so quickly.

- I was counting my tips...
- And when you looked up...

- the fire chief's hat was gone?
- So was the fire chief. Going anyway.

While that funny man flashed
that funny thing in his face.

The Super Instant Mesmerizer.

Well, it super-instanted the fire chief,
all right. Then they carried him out.

"They"?

There were, uh, three
of them altogether.

Three? Was one wearing a
top hat and the others homburgs?

You must be
clairvoyant or something.

And I suppose it
only took a second.

How did you know? How
could you have guessed?

We're familiar with the method
of operation of this criminal.

I'm sorry I wasn't here to
prevent his dastardly attack.

Well, you're here now, Batman.

Batman, your
Batphone is buzzing.

Thank you, Miss Babette.
You've been of great assistance.

I wish there was
more I could do. Heh.

Yes, commissioner.

The Mad Hatter's been spotted
again, outside Magda's Millinery Maison.

61 Gotham Lane.

Roger.

Hat shop, 61 Gotham Lane.

Maison Magda,
hatbox for high society.

No, no, no, I
don't like it at all.

Actually, I like the one you're
wearing very much better.

Ha, ha. Oh.

It is from my personal wardrobe,
Mrs. Monteagle, and not for sale.

Perhaps Lisa can
find something similar.

Maybe something with
a little veiling, you know?

No, no, no.

Mrs. Monteagle, veiling is
much older women than you.

You think so?

- Oh, shall we see how that...?
- Oh, I like that.

Oh, yes, that's the one.

Oh, it's beautiful.

Help! Oh, no!

Could it be they're
too late again?

The Mad Hatter has
heisted his 11th headpiece...

and his 11th juror...

and made his escape under the
very noses of The Dynamic Duo?

Oh, Batman, am I glad to see
you. I'm Hermione Monteagle.

How do you do?

There's been a kidnapping and a hat-napping
both right in this place right now.

Alarming, indeed.

And poor Madam Magda, they
stole her right under my very eyes.

Oh, I don't know what
the world's coming to.

My, I simply love that cowl.

You know, I'm sure the communists
had something to do with this.

I suspect the culprit can be found
closer to home, Mrs. Monteagle.

Hermione.

Excuse me. The kidnapper
dropped this as he was leaving.

- Perhaps it may be of some help.
- Clues are always helpful.

"Octave Marbot, sculptor."

This is odd. It requires
further thought and study.

We must reappraise
the situation.

- Gosh, Batman. Sure.
- I'll report this to the authorities at once.

I trust that Madam Magda's abductors will be
apprehended before further harm befalls her.

Or her hat. Oh, I loved
her hat, and that divine cowl.

I wonder if it comes
in any other color.

I know Octave Marbot. I'm sitting
for a statue he's making of me.

A statue? Holy happenstance.

Yes. Warden Crichton requested it
to exhibit at Gotham State Prison...

to help inspire the convicts
in his rehabilitation program.

Gosh, Batman,
that's a great idea.

But why would the Mad Hatter drop
this card in Madam Magda's shop?

He could be taunting
us with a clue.

Perhaps the edge-lighted Lucite map
of Gotham City will tell us some more.

Now, he's been
striking all over the city.

Madam Magda's
Millinery Maison...

Le Silver Shop, which is here...

Convention Hall...

Gotham Sporting
Goods over here...

the hotel where he
stole the chef's hat...

And the chef.

Exactly, Robin.
There is a pattern.

And Marbot's Studio...

is the topper.

Robin, I suggest we pay
a call on Monsieur Marbot.

A bird in the hand is
worth two in the bush.

I couldn't have stated it
better myself, old chum.

Can it be possible Batman
has fallen for this ruse?

And what about
Octave Marbot himself?

Is he an innocent sculpture,
or a part of this evil scheme?

- Better activate the antitheft device, Robin.
- Gosh, yes, Batman.

Commissioner Gordon says
there's been a rash of car thefts lately.

Mon ami Batman
and the Boy Wonder.

To what do I owe the honor of this visit?
You have come perhaps for your next sitting?

There's no time for posing
today, Monsieur Marbot.

We're here on a
matter of grave urgency.

Oui, but of course. What
can I do to help you?

Do you know a man named Jervis
Tetsch, better known as the Mad Hatter?

Jervis Tetsch? Jervis Tetsch.

No.

He's presently
victimizing Gotham City.

The Mad Hatter?

And somehow, he dropped this
card when he made his last catch.

I do not know where he could have
gotten it. I don't know the Mad Hatter.

I am Octave Marbot,
a simple sculptor.

All right, Monsieur Marbot.
We didn't mean to alarm you.

Well, as long as you are here,
perhaps I could persuade you to pose.

Uh, I'm having trouble
with the tête. The head.

Perhaps if I could persuade
you to remove your cowl...

I could see what's wrong.

Remove my cowl?

In mon dressing room, of course.

Boy Wonder could
hand it out to me.

All right, Monsieur Marbot.

Come on, Robin.

It's working better
than I dreamed.

Batman's in the dressing
room with Boy Wonder.

My expert mimicry and perfect
French fooled them completely.

The moment...

The moment has finally
arrived. Batman's cowl at last.

I don't like it, boss. Cowl or
no cowl, Batman is still Batman.

Never fear, he wouldn't dare follow us
and be exposed for all the world to see.

We'll take his cowl and be on
our way. Conceal yourselves.

- I smell a rat.
- You smell the Mad Hatter in Marbot's disguise.

He gave himself away with that
remark about my statue's head.

That was the first part he finished
and he was very pleased with it.

You're not just going to
hand him your cowl, are you?

Of course not, Robin. I want
to find the real Octave Marbot.

Holy switcheroo.
I should've known.

- Someone's moaning.
- No doubt our man.

It is Octave Marbot.
Untie him, Robin.

I'm going to put an end to our
crafty adversary once and for all.

I wonder what could
be keeping Boy Wonder.

Jervis Tetsch, your
days of crime are over.

Not till I get your cowl,
Batman. My 13th hat.

Cappy, Dicer, what
are you waiting for?

Hold these.

I prepared myself with my
anti-mesmerizing Bat-reflector.

Holy ricochet.

Robin. Old chum.

- What'd you do that for, boss?
- Now you'll never get his cowl.

When the plaster hardens and is
removed, I'll get a mold of his cowl.

Not only that, but Batman
will be permanently plastered.

Oh, it's a far, far simpler
end for the Cowled Crusader...

than the flailing knives, mechanical
stretchers, cylindrical chambers...

acid sprays, and suction
fans of my hat factory.

Oh, it's a stroke of genius on
my part, if I do say so myself.

And I'll be killing two birds
with one stone. Ha, ha.

Two birds with one stone.