Baskets (2016–…): Season 3, Episode 3 - Crash - full transcript

Christine brings the celery.


Did you find any clowns yet?

I had an idea for a, for a classified ad.

"Clowns wanted," honey. That's it.

I didn't ask for any of this.

I'm your neighbor from Awaken.

We're that church next door.

Oh, I've seen your sign.

It's half-past. Do you think she forgot?

It's always something down at the rodeo.

Hup, hup, hup. Hip, hip.

Hup, hup. Ha-ha.

Hup, hup, hup, hup, hyah.

Attagirl, boy.

Ah. It's a miracle.

They used to bite me.

You've got to come over
and work with my cats.

I've got opening night taffy.

Thank you. Got to get to the ticket booth.

Oh, Dale. Don't be such a hog.

Taffy? I love your wig.

It's so much fun.

Oh, Chip, no smoking.

Hey, taffy's much better for you.

Thank you.

Hey, I'm Christine Baskets.

Ooh. Well, that's not very nice. God.

Hey, are you gonna be wearing

this vagabond ragtag thing?

Maybe something a little
more festive opening night?

- Taffy-induced?
- If you don't like me then fire me.

Oh, well, that's no way to be.

What you should say is,

"Hey, maybe I have
something else I can wear."

- I quit.
- You quit?

- What?
- Oh, Gregory.

- Gregory.
- Greg. Greg.

- He's a bad seed.
- Mom.

- Where'd you find this guy?
- Craigslist.

- Craigslist?
- Yeah.

That's where you get a tire.

Well, you can also find people.

Chip, how much effort
have you put into this?

It seems like you haven't
even done the bare minimum.

- Well, I'm the one that found Eddie.
- Well, that's true.

You know, Eddie did a
terrific job with the horses,

maybe he could help us with the clowns.

Well, I don't know. I mean...

We're gonna be ready
to open the front gates

in a few minutes here, Mama Baskets.

There's Robert Redford right now.

- How about a taffy?
- Ow. God.

Hey, I saw that.

That's your first warning.

- I quit.
- What? You quit.

- Hey. Doug.
- Oh, my God. They're dropping like flies.



This batch of clowns is a churlish bunch.

Where'd you get these swill?

Craigslist. I keep telling you guys.

Oh, for Christ's sakes.
That's where you get a tire.

That's what I told him. We're
gonna have a wonderful night

without those clowns.


I don't know

if you read our policy, but,
uh, we do take the tip money.

Ladies and gentlemen,

Renoir, the clown.

Oh! Ooh! Oh, God. Here you go.

That's Belly Joy.

Those are our horses.

Good job, Eddie.

Let's raise our glasses

to the man who takes ponies
and turns them into horses.

- Yeah.
- Oh, get him a drink.

Get him a glass, get him a glass.

Come on now, Eddie.

You know, you got to drink
a little bit of something.

- Drink 'em up!
- Drink, drink,


- Hip hip...
- Hooray!

- Hip hip...
- Hooray!

See, Wanda's bringing brownie bites, so...

you can bring celery.

That's all?


Well, I'll see you at cards, Christine.


- What?
- Christine?

Oh, my God.

What the hell?


Oh. Daniel.


Hey, Christine.


Those clowns. I told
Chip they were no good.

We'll pay for the damages, Daniel.

I'm so, so sorry.


A lady's presence.

This was a sausage party.

I'm sick.

I'm so sorry.

Can I have a minute?

- Of course.
- Thank you, Daniel.

Oh. Cinderfella.

Get out.

You're fired.

Thanks for the champagne
and hotdog, Christine.

Oh, the champagne.

Oh, Christine, what's wrong with you?

Well, on the bright side,
you got a heck of a clown car.

It blasted right through
them big oak doorways

of that Korean church.

Let's get you home.

Where do you live?

I was staying with the baby goats

in the corner stall back at the stable.

Goats don't mind.

Let's get out of here.

Come on.

There's towels in here,

places you can hang stuff.

You can have either bunk.

Cody liked the bottom bunk,
and Logan liked the top bunk.

It's warmer up there.

I like to sleep naked.

Well, under the bed, then, for you.

Oh, I got in a car accident once.

I was nine or 11 or...

I drove the car right into the hospital.


You know, I was so short,

I couldn't even see over the wheel,

and I just thought, "Oh,
I'll just drive, and..." bam.

It was crazy.

My dad let me drive, is the craziest part.

Had a wild side, huh?


Christine, I was so awful.

Sorry for being a stinker.

And I'll just...

I'll never get more
drunker again in my life.

That's good. We're done
with that stuff now.

You know, you remind me of my dad.

And I'm rooting for you.

Oh! My card game with the girls.

There's food in the, uh, fridge.

I'll see you later.

So I'm gonna make you guys key
clowns, which is very exciting.

I know that you're both novices,

but I think we can make this work.

Uh, we are super honored

that you'd even think of us to-to ask,

about the clown... all
the-all the clown...

all that clown stuff
you were say-just saying.

That's cool, and you're coo...
we like that... who he is,

- as a guy.
- Mm-hmm.

He's, uh... he's up for regional manager.

I-I might be running the
Arby's by the airport.


Okay, well, we got to go.

I got you.

- One second, sir.
- You're busy, too?

Yeah. Sorry.

Are you okay?

Um, Chip, are you okay?

Yeah, I'm fine.

Well, I know you had
your hopes up pretty high

that your friends were gonna help you,

and seems like they let you down.

- You must feel pretty betrayed.
- Martha.

Do you want me to help you trash the place?

No. I know you're trying to
make me feel better, Martha,

but it's not working.

- Okay, so you need clowns.
- Yeah.

- I get it.
- Yeah.

Arby's didn't pan out.

What if we try Mickey D's?

Okay. Keep going.

Well, like, uh, Ro-Ronald
McDonald is a clown.

- Come...
- Ronald McDonald is just the mascot

for the restaurants throughout the world.

I thought he worked at McDonald's.

God, you're easily marketed to, you moron.

Well, what if we tried to hire

some of the animatronics
from the Chuck E. Cheese band?

- They're really energetic.
- They don't have a lot of...

They're banjo hacks.

You know, they just kind of do this.

I don't know how much clowning they can do.

But what if you could reprogram them?

Do you have an in at Chuck E. Cheese?

I know where, like, um... Hmm.


Good meeting.

- Feeling lucky.
- No, no, no.

- You always say that.
- Sorry I'm late.

You can't believe that.

I went to three different
stores to find celery.

There must be a shortage.

- Geez, Louise.
- Hi, sweetie.

Sorry I'm late.

Oh. You're in full swing.


That's good.

Phew. That's a relief.

- Oh.
- Oh.

- Oh.
- Oh, I get it. Oh, uh... No.

- You must be Christine.
- Yeah.

- Hi, honey. I'm Joan.
- This is Joan.

- You know Joan.
- You just stay right there.

I'll get another chair. I'm fine.

- Oh, no, no, no, no!
- Oh, no. I'm gonna sit right here.

No, absolutely not. I insist.

- I insist.
- No, no, no.

We can play five-handed something.

- No, I'm...
- Five-handed...

I know what we... We could, um...

Let's go to the sofa.

- We could watch a movie.
- Yes, let's do it.

How about... Scream 2?

- Oh, that's a fun one.
- I love that idea.

- Would you like that, Christine? Huh?
- You'd like that.

- Yes, you'd like it.
- Yeah. That'd be all right.

That would be fun.

Well, that was an interesting choice.

Joan's a lot of fun.

And she's reliable.

And you know why I asked
you just to bring the celery?

Because nobody would be disappointed

if you didn't show.

Well, come on, Maggie.

I'm running a business. It's a job.

Well, I'm running a card game.

Doesn't mean we're not still friends.

Why don't I plan the next card game?

I'll host it.

I'll even make the cheese and crackers.


- Oh.
- Oh.

You know I wanted you to bring the cheese.

'Cause nobody pairs cheese
with a cracker the way you do.

You know it's all in the Triscuits.

Yeah, can I talk to someone
in animatronics, please?

Noodles. Hey.

I want to be a clown, man!

Oh, okay.

I was thinking about what you said, man.

Like, let's-let's do it, man.

I'm in the zone. I'm,
like, ready to rehearse.

Is Jode coming, too?
Should we wait for him?

No, man. He's, like,
never gonna leave Arby's.

He's in love with his little...

his little manager job.

He's never gonna leave.

Like, I thought... I thought
I loved him, but, like...

...everything's gotten so weird.


Okay. Um...

I'm sorry. It's just, I'm pregnant.

I'm sorry.


Yeah, I can't work for...
can't work for Jode anymore.

Like, I've... I've
thought about your offer,

and I want to be a clown.

- Yeah, but you're...
- What?

- You're, um...
- Oh, my God.

Are you serious? I can be
pregnant and be a clown, dude.

I'm... like, I'm a women's
libber type... gentleman.

What I was...

Yeah, we'll get started.

Right away. Okay?

Oh. It's gonna be okay.

Oh, Dad's stuff fits you. That's great.

He was skinny like you.

I got hash browns, sausage, bacon, eggs.

I got my signature Mickey Mouse pancakes,

and Flintstones vitamins.

I'll have a Fred, a Wilma and a dinosaur.

Beautiful. One Dino coming up.

Mom never used to cook
like this for us, yeah.

You should respect your mother.

It's good. Mmm.

Find any clowns?

Now tell him

what you told me.

Well, I'm just so damn sorry,

and it had nothing to do with your race

or your religion,

whatever that might be.


Just drunk damn fool clown.

I'm sorry.

It'll never happen again.

Thank you so much for
the... those flower holders.

Everything you've done
has just been first-class.

- Costco overstock.
- Really appreciate it.

And thank you for saying what you did.

May I share a personal experience?

My sister had a drinking problem

where she would go home with strangers.

- Oh, that's terrible.
- It was.

It was, but AA really helped.

I've heard of AA. It's a good program.

She hosts a meeting here.

That hand is there for you if you need it.

No, I don't need any help.

I just won't do the sauce anymore.

Oh, you sound just like my dad.

"Doesn't need help."

Thank you for coming by
and saying what you did.

I appreciate it. God bless you.

Do you love her?

Love who?


Claire who?

Trinity, dude. Your new clown.

She left Arby's for good.

Are you crying?

Be good to her, man.

Let me get you a tissue.

There's some post-nasal drip.

I love her so much.

We did it at Arby's.

Did what?

Sex, man.

Oh. In the restaurant?

No, man, in the parking lot...

by the grease tanks.

Well, maybe I can convince you

to come clown at the, at the rodeo with us.

She don't want to see me. She's changed.

It was ever since the
E. coli breakout

when I started making her wash her hands.

That was the turning point,
is making her wash her hands?

Yeah, man. She don't like
to be told what to do.

Who does?


...make me a clown.


Welcome to the Baskets Family Rodeo.

- The stinky cheese is yummy, Christine.
- Mm-hmm.

The stinkier the better, I always say.

I bet Joan likes hard cheeses.

- Christine, stop it.
- I won't.

Honey, I'm home.

Who is that?

That's Chip's friend from the rodeo.

He's terrific with the horses.

Women playing cards?

I thought I'd never see the day.

That's so silly.

That was interesting.

Do you often have cowboys from the rodeo

in your home, Christine?

- No.
- And do they always smell like hay?

Or manure?

Where were we?

Christine, I need a coat hanger.

- This won't push it through.
- Oh.

All right, I'll take care of it.

- Zip your fly up.
- Oh.

Oh, God.


- How are we this evening?
- Good.

Uh, you work at the rodeo?

Yes, sir. Baskets Rodeo.

Oh, my God, you look
just like Brute Johnson,

a bull rider I used to wrangle around with.


Don't she look like him?

Hmm, what's the smelly, yummy,

stinky cheese you got here?

- Oh, my God.
- Mmm.

Eddie, can I talk to you for a minute?

- Excuse us.
- Mm-hmm.

Hey, I thought it would be fun

if you went and had a meal, got
a shave and saw a movie on me.

- Okay.
- Enjoy yourself.

- Yeah.
- Sorry.

Some people are just so helpless.

Honey, his pants were falling down.

Totally. I'm completely
worried about that man.

Yeah, so you're just
innocently promenading.

Good. Good.

You don't notice him. And Jode,
you're just trying to catch up

because she left her slice of pizza.

You're not trying to hug her.

Why won't you talk to me, Claire?

Baby, what's wrong?

Um, I'm pregnant.

- Is it his?
- What?

No! It's yours, you idiot!

Does that mean you're
coming back to Arby's?

Oh, man. See, this is the
shit I'm talking about, dude.

- Okay, okay, okay.
- I can't stand that.

Okay, listen, everybody, let's just...

You want to be a clown?

You're a mom now.

This is what I'm telling you, this shit.

He's always telling me what to do!

Look, I don't make up the rules.

I'm not the one that told you

you got to wash your hands
after you use a bathroom.

I mean, I did, but

that's the state of California, not me.

You should be mad at a suit in Sacramento.

Look, circus don't have nothing, okay?

Arby's has benefits,

uh, three months paid leave

for mothers.

- Um, expenses paid.
- Okay, okay, e-everybody...

Don't you remember that benefits
package I made you watch?

- Come on.
- Hey, guys.

Again, please, let's
just calm down, all right?

You're gonna be parents.
You're gonna be a mom.

But we should maybe get back to the,

- to the pizza routine.
- What are you doing?

- I'm scared you're gonna leave.
- No.

No. No, no, no, no, no.

This is so... this is so freaking lame.

Are you kidding me?!

- Come on...
- This is lame!

And you're lame and you're lame.


Hey, Trinity, we're not
really done with the whole...

Okay, so, look, it's just you and I now.

So, uh...

Are you upset?

Because of what just
transpired, probably, right?

Unless this is part of the act,

which I don't think is gonna work.

Um... I quit.

Sorry, Chip.


Hi, Mama.

These are my new friends from the bar.

That's Beatrix

and this guy's name is...

- Tromboso.
- Tromboso.

Oh, God, Eddie.

I had some drinks tonight.

Jimmy, Christine, let's get in the car.

Dance, Mama.

Come on. Come on, Mama.

- Oh, lady. Oh.
- Stop it.

Jimmy, Christine, let's get in the car.

You got any more lamps in here?

- You okay?
- Yeah.


- Mom.
- Oh.

What are you doing?

We just had a little accident
and I'm just, uh, cleaning up.

It's 3:00 in the morning.
Who are these people?

Christine won't dance with me

and it slurs my feelings.

- Make me sad.
- Eddie, look...

...what is... what's happening?

Okay. Uh, Eddie...

Okay, look, Sid and Nancy,
I'm gonna call you a cab.

You're too old to be
partying with your pants off

on the staircase.

Eddie, you're acting like
some kind of spoiled tween.

You need to go to your room

and-and-and think
about what you've done,

'cause if you want to work at this rodeo,

then you're gonna have
to make some changes.

It's all my fault.

No, it's not.

You haven't done anything wrong.


Uh, hey.

Um, I wanted to get back

on the schedule for this week.

Oh, yeah. Uh, Izzy is out, I think.

Let me, let me just, let me see about that.

I'm really sorry that I got so weird.

I understand that, like,

you're technically my manager here,

but just, I can

manage myself at home.

Well, yes, ma'am.


So, um, I'll see you at home.


See you at home.

Well, guess I'd better go find out

what room this drunk meeting's in.

I'm glad you're getting help.


I used to pray that my dad would
go to these kinds of meetings.

Thanks for the ride, Christine.