Baskets (2016–…): Season 1, Episode 9 - Picnic - full transcript

- BASKETS -

- Can I ask you a question?
- Sure.

Uh, how could I tell if I have diabetes?

Have you been excessively tired lately?

Not really. I don't think so.

- No?
- Do I look diabetic?

No. You don't look at all...

Ma.

Uh, how about frequent urination?

Well, how frequent?

- Is frequent?
- Yeah.



- Hey, Martha?
- Yeah.

Can you stay here while
I go grab something?

Okay.
Do you want me to get it?

- I got it.
- Okay.

So how many times are
you urinating a day?

Like 12 1/2.

One Year Ago

Today,

The world has the eyes of the tortoise!

Oh, a turtle.

- It's a turtle.
- Of course.

Do you have a brain, sir?

Okay, okay, okay.

You practice for Monday You and your
turtle will walk around the city.



It is necessary to move slowly.
That way you look at everything ... everything!

Ah! Oh!

Heaven, ah!
The trees, oh!

Oh, my god.

Ah-ba-ba-ba-ba.

Do you have a license to play here?

Uh, pardon ?

Is it your license?
Let me look.

- Uh, my friend...
- Yes, obviously there is no license.

Your license?

I'm... I'm sorry?

Your permit.

Oh, permit.
No, I'm freelance.

I don't need a permit.

No, he does not know
the French rules!

Leave it alone! Never mind.

I don't need a permit.

What is happening?

But you can not do that, it goes wrong!

You stay. You stay here.

I demand to go to my embassy!

Where are we going?
I don't know you people!

- Ah!
- Ooh!

Cheers.

- Cheers.
- Cheers.

That's it!

I got to say that was so...

Penelope, Penelope.

- What?
- Yes, yes, your father.

- Excuse me, miss.
- Oh, no.

- Miss?
- No.

- Excuse me, miss.
- Ohh.

Let me guess.

You want to hang out with me,

meet me, talk about my father,

know his shoe size, blood group,

and just, uh, be with him for some time

or play in his band?
Oh. That's what you want:

play in his band.
You a musician?

I'm so sorry. I don't
understand what you mean.

I'm not my father.

I don't know what you're talking about.

I don't know anything about your father.

My father.
You're holding his record.

This your father? This guy?

Yes.

I don't know anything about that guy.

Who cares about that guy?
I came to talk to you.

I wanted to know who you are.

I saw you singing, and
I wanted to meet you.

Okay.

What are you called?

Chip.

Chip?

Like a birdie? Cheep-cheep?

Yeah.

Chip Baskets.

Chip Baskets.

Okay, I'm Penelope.

- Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.

Take my guitar.

Okay.

Okay.

What do you do in Paris?

Do you know who Bozo is?

Bozo.

Ladies and Gentlemen, the
winner of the Maurice Chevalier Prize,

for his contribution to
the French culture:

Monsieur Jean Eber.

Got us drinks.

Thank you.

Okay.

Thank you for bringing me here.

Thank you for coming.

You're the only person I know

who's not licking my father ass.

No, I won't be licking
your father's buttocks.

That's why I really want
to leave France, Basket.

It's all so boring.

- Penelope!
- No.

Penelope, sweetheart,
please! Come here!

But yes, you remember Mr. Fournier?

Exactly, yes.

- Do you remember my daughter?
- Very well! Very, very good!

Oh, yes.

- Here!
- It's okay?

I am very well thank you.

What is that?

Uh...

Who is this?

What's that?

I'm really sorry, huh!

But who is this guy?

He's my friend, dad.

This is my new life.
Who is waiting for me.

Bravo!

Bravo!

Ah, wonderful.

Opah!

Oprah!

I do not know what she...
She has a little too much...

You really embarrassed me
tonight, you know?

It's you who embarrass me, papa.

Oh honestly! And why,
I have embarrassed you how?

You are pathetic! Pathetic!

What does she
tells like stupidity?

And tell me, who is this imbecile who
is sitting and ruining my evening?

It is not an imbecile. That's Chip.

Studies at the clown academy.

Ah, Chip, le clown.

Very good.

Right here, yep.

You probably don't know who I am, huh?

Uh, that's not true.

You're the dad, right?

I will tell you who I am.

I am a man who had a talent, yes,

and with that talent I was smart.

I worked very hard. I made money

with what I was good at

for my children.

Do you understand, Chip, Le clown?

- You understand?
- Yes, sir, thank you. Yes.

Nice. Now, uh, let me ask you this.

My daughter...

You think my daughter,

she... she... she has talent?

I think your daughter is

the most talented person I've ever met.

I agree with you.

But the problem, she
does nothing with it.

Um, example. I make an appointment

to have an arrangement and recording.

No way. She does not show up.

I offer her to sing with my band.

Sorry. He is always
to egotistic, you know?

Heavy. Don't you feel
nauseated by his discussion?

My French is not as
strong, so I didn't pick up

on a lot of the last
part of all that stuff.

We were speaking English, but, uh...

It's my fault. I should
not have helped you.

Now you never know what
it means to work hard.

You go around with your guitar,

but you know that I pay for your house,

for your clothing, and for your dinner.

Huh? This is not real.

You're not a bohemian.
You're a touriste.

A tourist of the city.

You're like a little lion
raised in a... in a zoo.

You can't go in the jungle.

You have no idea what's out there.

You will always run
back to the zookeeper,

to Dada.

No but...

It's gonna shit!

It's not possible.

It's not possible.

Is this, uh, French roast?

Good evening.

Next.

Yes, I'm looking for a French baguette.

We don't do French
baguettes. We do hoagies.

Do you want a hoagie bread?

Uh...

6-inch or foot-long?

Which one is longer?

Well, the 6-inch is like this,

and the foot-long is like...

Oh, yeah. Double in
size. That makes sense.

And then we have our
6-foot party hoagie.

Oh. Okay, uh, can I get
2 feet of that, please?

2 feet?

Yeah, 2 feet of the
party hoagie, please.

Uh, you have to get all 6 feet, sir.

Well, maybe you just
give me 2 feet of it,

and you can have the rest of the 4 feet.

I'm not allowed to
take gifts from clients.

And I already have two strikes.

Okay, fine.

Just give me the least complicated sub,

- a ham sub.
- 6-foot ham sandwich.

Okay, that comes with a squirt.

What do you mean, comes with a squirt?

We have the Italian squirt,
the jalapenian squirt,

the Parmesan oregano squirt,
the roasted garlic squirt,

the limited time yellow squirt,

limited time seasonal pumpkin squirt,

local squirt, soy squirt,
or our secret surprise squirt.

I'll try the limited time
yellow squirt, please.

That's nice.

Can I get a pound and
a half of that, please?

Sir, can we give him a pound and a half

of the yellow squirt?

Oh, I thought that was
going to be my third strike.

Where's my food?

I need a, uh, cheap... ring

for...

engagement to...

wedding.

Sir, your carrot.

Oh, thank you, yes. Wonderful.

Listen, I wanted to talk
to you about something,

and I think it's...

Oh, no, no.
No, Chips.

Oh, please, no. Oh,
it is so embarrassing.

Will you marry me?

Just marry me, please.

You and I can have a wonderful life.

If you'll go back with me and marry me,

you'll make me the
happiest man in... in...

Back where?

Bakersfield, California.

Okay. I'll marry you.

Okay, look.

You must understand I don't love you,

but, uh, I want to get out.

I want to go to America and
get green card, you know?

Are you okay with that? Then I come.

Thank you.

You've made me so happy.

Should we have a...

maybe a romantic kiss
or anything like that?

A what?

A romantic kiss.

No, maybe not.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Just wait. Good idea.

So thank you for the...

for the ring.

Oh, thank you. Thank you,
thank you, thank you, thank you.

Thank you.

I wish I could kiss you, but we'll wait.

You're so happy.
It's cute.

Should we go get
something to eat for you?

You didn't have anything.

I had a carrot. It's fine.

Oh, I take you to a nice place, okay?

- Okay.
- Yes.

This is a mistake, you know.

What do you mean? It's
just goat cheese and bread.

It's good.

No, the marriage is a bad mistake.

What?

I mean...

I know why I'm doing this.

Do you know?

I want paper for America, you know?

But you, uh, what exactly do you want?

What do you mean?

Because I love you.

I know you're head over
heel in love with me,

but it's a bad beginning.

And bad beginning
always have bad ending.

I know about bad beginnings.

My brother,

his umbilical cord was
wrapped around my neck

when we were born.

You know what I mean?

My dad...

he slipped and fell off a bridge,

and he died.

It made my mom really sad.

You know.

It's probably why I became a clown.

I was trying to cheer her up...

Dancing around, you know,

so she wouldn't cry all the time.

I'm not worried about this bad beginning

because this bad beginning, look at it.

I'm sitting in Paris
with the most beautiful

woman in the world...

Who just told me she would marry me.

I'm going to disappoint you, Chips.

This is good bread.

This is really good bread.

Hey, Chip. Are you hungry?

I got some food: Nuggets and fries.

Yeah, I'll have a fry.

I asked for waffle fries,
but they look like criss-cut.

Probably the same thing, maybe.

Well, not if you know fries.

You know fries, huh?

Room D's in V-tach.

- Um, page Dr. Rhines for me.
- Calling code.

That's my mom's room.

Code blue, CCUD.

I need a crash cart!

Mom!

Page Dr. Barnes for me.
Okay, call in the code.
Let's go!

directed by
JONATHAN KRISEL

written by
REBECCA DRYSDALE

created by
LOUIS C.K. & ZACH GALIFIANAKIS & JONATHAN KRISEL