Baskets (2016–…): Season 1, Episode 7 - Cowboys - full transcript

No excuse for animal abuse!

No excuse for animal abuse!

- Excuse me...
- Yeah, I just... No.

Is it true that this rodeo
has been abusing animals?

I don't know what's going on at all.

How's it going, jackass?

- BASKETS -

Hey, Eddie. Sorry about
last night. Family thing.

What's with all the protestors outside?
Is it because of the dung smell?

Rodeo is a mean thing.

- Ooh.
- The bulls are mean.



Cowboys are meaner than shit.

And the audience, they
can be meaner than anyone

if their cheap beer runs out.

That's why the rodeo
needs you damn fool clowns.

Defuse situations.

Take people's mind off all
the blood and gore out there

when some cowboy gets trashed by a bull.

And with you gone last night,

things just went to pure shit.

- Yeah, but Bingo was there last night.
- Bingo is a number-two clown.

He wants to be number-one clown.

When a feller ain't
comfortable in his position,

he's a dangerous animal.

What did he do?



First thing he does, he goes out there,

upchucks his moonshine lunch.

This old bull...

This old bull goes over
there and gets all boozy eye

and puts his boozy eyes
on old Bingo's fat-ass keg of swill

and says, "Mmm. That's where
that good moonshine come from."

So he takes off after
Bingo, and Bingo run.

Boy, he run like no
chickenshit son of a bitch

ever run in his life.

Bingo runs into the bleachers.

That bull went right after him.

I ain't never seen a bull
climb a fence like that.

Folks is just scrambling to get away.
So I takes my gun out.

Blam! I shoot that
bull right in the eyes.

- You did?
- It was a damn shame.

That was a fine bull. I was aiming
at Bingo's wide old butt crack.

Well, at least you didn't
commit murder, you know?

You wronged me, Baskets.

But what Bingo did was
worse. Got me to thinking.

I got some of my own personal
accounts to be settled.

Could be maybe this old gun
come in handy for one last thing.

- But you don't know where Bingo is, right?
- Oh, I know where he's at.

Now, then. Your girlfriend,
she's got a car, right?

Yeah, Martha has a car.
Yeah, she'll take you.

- Come on, let's go.
- I don't need to go, do I?

You and Martha go. I think the
two of you could handle this.

You owe me, Baskets. We gotta do this.

Boycott! Boycott!

- Hey, Eddie. Where we going?
- Gotta get some cowboy justice.

Okay, but where? If
I put it in my map...

Down the road... Just drive.

There's a big tree on
the right, you turn left.

Do you have, like, an address?
'Cause it's easier to set it and forget it

with an actual, like, a number.

'Cause if we... I can just...

Where are we going, Eddie? To a tree?

It's up there.

Shut up, lady!

Good to go.

- Did you put...
- Yes!

Is there something weird going on?

We're going to do some
unpleasant business,

and I don't want to talk about it.

Okay. Well...

Martha.

- Are you okay?
- Hmm?

Chip, I'm sorry. I'm
not good at charades.

I'm sorry. I can't...

The guy in the middle has a gun.

Ed... Eddie? What?

- Pull over. I got to pee.
- Okay.

Is that code for something?

What kind of
gun do you think he has?

What difference does it make? That's the
gun he's going to use to kill Bingo.

Well, shoot.

Does that make us complicit?

Or liable? Or is it libel?

Possibly all three. I don't know.

We probably could just leave
old Pissagara Falls here.

Probably be peeing for three more hours.
He won't even know we left.

Okay, let's go.

Couple more miles, we take a detour...

Eddie style.

Who's there? Eddie!

Is that you?

- Is that Bingo?
- Maybe it's his sister.

Eddie!

Oh, my goodness.
That's about as much fun

as I had since the pig got loose.

Here's 40 dollars to
help keep the lights on.

Oh, you are a gentleman as ever.

Well, that mattress is awful wet.

You and Martha want to use the sofa?

- For what?
- No, thank you. We're good.

- How about a snack?
- Snacks are good.

Yeah.

How are those beans?

Um, I'm not that big of a bean fan.

I can make you something else.
Would you like some macaroni and cheese?

Yellow? White? Would
you like that, honey?

I would.
Yeah, I would love that.

No problem.

Oh, careful of that bourbon, honey.

It's meaner than Willie
Nelson on a good day.

Is Willie Nelson mean?

Oh, you're so young, you wouldn't know.

- Wha...
- Um, Willie Nelson...

One of the most dangerous
singer-songwriters that ever

traveled these
United States, isn't that so?

- That is, that's so.
- And he is a dirty fighter.

- That's so, too.
- Hmm.

Well, on his CD, he looks
really nice in this picture.

That's all smoke and mirrors.

This is the real Willie
Nelson she's talking about.

Hell, Willie Nelson's the one
that messed up Roy Orbison's eyes,

threw cocaine right in them.

- No kidding.
- Mm-hmm.

- Martha, shh.
- That's how a dirty fighter does it.

They throw cocaine in your eyes.

Poor Roy. God.

Now don't you worry about Roy Orbison.

Roy got his own.

- He did.
- He got his, didn't he?

- He did.
- Yes, he did.

Hard to believe.

Well, you need to
open your mind, Martha,

or your life's just gonna be shit.

I like you.

I should stop.

So where are you all headed?

We're gonna go with Eddie
to kill one of his employees.

Same old Eddie.

Eddie's just a little boy that's
pretending to be John Wayne.

But you're not a cowboy.

I'm a clown.

Oh, that is a fine trade.

It's honest work. Your
mom must be so proud.

Oh, well, my mom ain't
too proud of me, neither.

On account that you're a hooker?

Come here. Come here.
Come here. Come on.

Clowns are brave.

That's the truth.

Oh, Chip. He never has cash.

Does your friend take debit?

It's not a filling station, honey.

Well, it kind of is.

Take debit.

- Did you ever have any kids, Thelma?
- Nope. You?

- No.
- Hmm.

Well, you still got
a ring on your finger.

Not too late, you know?

Yeah, I wanted to start a family,
but she up and left for Paris.

Oh...

Well, the whole California music scene

up and moved to Nashville
when I wanted to have kids.

That's unfair, you would
have been a great mom.

You're a good boy.

- Hi, there.
- Hi. You Thelma?

- That I am.
- Oh, you with another customer right now?

Do you mind giving us about five
more minutes before you start sexing?

Well, I could, but I was told
this is my time right now.

You're messing with my
livelihood, baby boy.

Come on. Come on up, dear. Come on up.

Take my hand.

Don't mind the guests.
They're very friendly.

- This is Martha.
- Oh, hi. I'm Martha.

Hi, Martha.

- She seemed nice.
- Thelma is an old friend of mine.

I have lots of friends on these roads.

This is fun. It reminds
me of summer camp.

- Did you ever go to camp?
- No. Did you?

- No.
- Listen.

If something weird happens with Bingo,
you're gonna have to call the cops, okay?

Well, Chip, you know I'm
uncomfortable with the pigs.

Please.

I guess it'd be good for me
to get out of my comfort zone.

Ow! Oh, God.

Oh, God, I got bit. Chip,
I got bit by a snake.

- It's a gopher snake.
- Oh, shit. Sorry.

About as poisonous as a paper cut.

Okay. I'm sorry for overreacting.

Ow! Oh, God. I got bit on my ankle.

This little guy's
really got it out for me.

- Does it sting?
- It does sting.

It really does. Yeah.

Uh, God, guys, sorry.

- It's okay.
- Really sorry about this.

Got some four-legged bunnies to bake up.

- Ugh.
- How are you gonna cook those things?

Roast them on the campfire rotisserie.

Okay, I'm all right.

Oh, God, he's coming back.

Get out of here, boy!

Let's eat some hare.

So do you guys like your sweatshirts?

Uh, okay, well, this would be a good
time to get to know each other.

Um, Eddie, when did you
decide to become a cowboy?

- Martha!
- What? I'm interested.

Oh, hell, I've been a cowboy

longer than I've been
telling people I was a cowboy.

That'd be around 40 years by now.

Not that it means a hell of a lot.

Ain't nothing to being a cowboy.

You got to fight a
man who needs fighting,

love a gal pal that needs loving,

all while drinking more dang whiskey
than the Irish ever intended.

Chip, here, now, he
done right being a clown.

Thanks, Eddie.

What about you, young
lady? What are you?

Um, I don't know what you mean.

Well, I'm a cowboy.
Chip's a lovesick clown.

Good old Thelma back there,
she's a whore, bless her fine heart.

Good enough trade for a... For a woman.

What the hell are you?

Um, I guess I never
really thought about it.

Um, I guess I'm just normal.

Normal. Hell, you ain't normal.

If you was normal, you wouldn't be sitting
out here in the middle of the dirt.

Thanks, Eddie.

I think he means that
as an insult, right?

No, I did not.

Well, I guess good night, guys.

Good night, rabbit.

- Good night, snake.
- Oh, God!

Eddie.

- Good morning.
- Good morning, Eddie.

Yesterday was a real fun day.

Today might not be so fun.

You ready for it?

Okay.

ATTENTION! Entering tribal land!
All laws strictly enforced.

Private property. NO TRESPASSING! Violators will be prosecuted.

Okay.

We go the rest of the way on foot.

You stay here, Martha.
You're a pretty lady.

What you see might not be so pretty.

Okay, cool. I didn't wanna be liable
in whatever you're doing anyway.

- Come on, Chip.
- Wait. Where we going, Eddie?

Injun country.

Things are just a bit different in here.

Okay. Yeah, uh...

- What?
- Call 911... Go.

Oh. Okay.

- Hot enough for you?
- Not yet.

Yeah, they say it's
gonna get pretty hot today.

- That's okay.
- Hello. 911.

Yeah, hi. Could I please
have the police department?

Look, Eddie, I know that you're a cowboy
and you have to do your cowboy things

- and you like honor and justice...
- I don't like it. But I gotta do it.

- Yeah, but I'm not a cowboy, Eddie.
- I know you're not a cowboy.

But you got your part
to play just the same.

What? Can we just go home, please?

- Come on.
- Jesus!

Well, I don't want to make
a big deal out of this.

Like, I'm not one of
those kind of people.

That's all right. Just
tell me the problem, ma'am.

Uh, I was wondering, though,

could you call the D.A. and
make sure I'll get immunity

in case I say anything incriminating?

- You haven't been drinking, have you?
- Oh, uh, no. If I were drinking,

I'd be a lot more confident right now.

- Eddie, are we even supposed to be here?
- I know I sure ain't.

No! No! No!

Now, Margaret, I know
its been a long time.

And we've been just fine without you.

Oh, but Margaret, I've come a long ways.

- Are you Eddie?
- My name's Ed.

Well, hell, that's dignified.
You know who I am?

Are you my dad?

I brought you something.

My dad gave this to
me when I was your age.

It totally screwed my life up.

So you're old enough now.
You may as well have it.

Oh, and I brought you a clown.

Best damn clown in Bakersfield.

- Oh.
- Baskets is the name... Chip Baskets.

- This is my son, Eddie.
- You guys look just alike.

Eddie, doing birthday parties
really isn't my forte, so...

Well, you're a clown, ain't you?

If you're a clown, you're a clown.
If you ain't, what are you?

- I guess I'm a Martha.
- A Martha. Aww.

Okay! Does anybody have a handkerchief?

- I have a napkin.
- That will work.

Thank you, Chief. Okay.

Okay.

Okay, that's the wrong...

Okay. It's okay.

Oh! Another snake! It's another snake!

It's a gopher snake. Non-poisonous.

Get it! Get it off!

Thank you.

Thank you, Eddie's son.

Hey, everything okay here?

Can I see that for a second?

Um... Is this where
Bingo's body's buried?

Um... happy birthday.

So what happened with Bingo there?

This whole time I thought you
were going after him for revenge.

Oh, hell. I just gave my cousin
50 dollars to break his legs.

- Both of his legs?
- Yeah.

- You suck.
- Some fatherly advice...

Don't ever have kids. They
can be mean little bastards.

Yeah. Hey! Hey! Not the lady.

These long trips aren't
so bad with cruise control.

Okay.

I can just set it and forget it,
you know? Then my feet can do whatever.

Sorry I kicked you, Eddie.

Chip, you haven't said
anything in, like, 150 miles.

- Are you okay?
- Uh, sorry, um...

- Hey, can you pull over?
- Okay.

Wait, Eddie, if I pull over, I have to
break cruise control. Is it worth it?

Well, maybe not. But, uh,
can you pull over anyway?

Okay.

- Hello.
- Penelope, hi, it's Chip.

- Chip!
- Let me speak.

I only have 80 seconds, okay?
Listen. I made a huge mistake.

We do not need to start
a family. I was wrong.

I was wrong, and I
think I scared you off,

- and I now realize that.
- Chip...

No, you did not scary me off, okay?

What do you mean, I'm
not scaring you off? What?

It was nothing you did.
No, no.

Well...

Well, what was it then? I mean...

It was... It was your mother.

My mother. What do you mean?

She contacted my father.

Okay?

Wait, can you say that again?

She called my father, and they both
together, everybody kick me out.

It's not so cool.

It's over. And I'm...

I have new life now.

Okay. Okay.

Chip?

Hey, Eddie,
um, when this is done,

I was thinking we could go to breakfast?

- Breakfast. Yeah, huh?
- We could go to...

Take me to my mother's, please.

Okay, um, we were also talking about
maybe going to breakfast first.

Because IHOP has the rooty
tooty fresh and fruity.

However...

- Denny's has...
- Grand Slam.

The Grand Slam and they
have the Moons Over My Hammy.

And then it's also...

I think it's bacon night at Denny's.

- Do you wanna go there?
- Breakfast?

I'm good.

starring
ZACH GALIFIANAKIS

MARTHA KELLY
LOUIE ANDERSON

Ernest Adams
Sabina Sciubba

Tom Proctor
Meg Foster

Tsulan Cooper
William Daniel Ortiz
Tim Halpin

directed by
JONATHAN KRISEL

written by
GRAHAM WAGNER

created by
LOUIS C.K. & ZACH GALIFIANAKIS & JONATHAN KRISEL