Baskets (2016–…): Season 1, Episode 6 - DJ Twins - full transcript

Hey, Baskets,

why don't you hustle in here
for a quick minute?

- BASKETS -

Eddie.

I've been seeing you
mope around lately,

dragging your sad sickness
around behind you

like a turd on a string.

I don't care what happened to you...

Your girlfriend dumped you, whatever...

I'm gonna help you out.

So that's why I'm putting
you up for Mr. Rodeo.



Mr. Rodeo?

Mr. Rodeo. Big competition
down in the lone star state.

Gonna select the number
1 clown in the nation.

But you got to beef your act up.

Just letting bulls broadside
you ain't gonna cut it.

Yeah, well, I'm not actually
doing that on purpose.

Whatever.

You got to add some more
of that crazy stuff

to your act. Can you unicycle?

No.

- No?
- Mm-mm.

Can you rope an ass?

Uh... No.

I... I've... No, I've never done that.



Yeah. People love a good roped ass.

- Hmm.
- A well-roped ass.

Yeah. My ex-wife sure did.

Oh. Wait.

What did you mean by roped
ass in that instance?

Donkey.

Oh. Yeah.

Hey, you got some things to focus on

other than your pathetic,
pitiful personal life.

- Right, yeah.
- Yeah, yeah.

Focus on Mr. Rodeo.

Thanks, Eddie.

Come and shake your body,
baby, do that conga

I know you can't control
yourself any longer

come and shake your body,
baby, do that conga

I know you can't control
yourself any longer

Okay, write this down. Twirl around.

I can do that. That's easy.

Hey, guys, seven-layer brownies.

Mom, move.

Everybody

gather 'round now

let your body feel the heat

don't you worry if you can't dance

let the music move your feet

come on, shake your body,
baby, do that conga

Whoo! That's bagging.

You had that once, Ringo.

Don't you fight it till you
tried it, do that conga

Come and shake your body,
baby, do that conga.

Hey, little buddy. How you been?

Good.

Say, uh, those Mr. Rodeo scouts,

they're going to be
in the audience tomorrow night.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

And that's some damn good
shit you're doing out there.

- Oh, great.
- Yeah.

You need to get some sleep.
You got a big day tomorrow.

Okay. Thanks, Eddie.

I could use a cigarette.

God! You...

What are you doing here, Dale?

I'll buy a cigarette
from you for a dime.

$1.50.

A dollar f...

- A dollar.
- Fine.

What are you doing here, Dale?

Do not tell Nicole that I smoke.

She would be pissed. Pee-issed.

Yeah? I had a really good show tonight.

Oh, did you? That's nice.

Nobody gives a shit
about your shit show

'cause the real shit show's getting
ready to get to town.

You know why? Because
the DJ twins are coming.

The young-uns, the adopted ones.

I thought they were
in that year-long DJ festival.

Yeah, well, that drug-addled
DJ hootenanny festival

is coming to Bakersfield.

And Mom wants to cook them a big meal

tomorrow night. You
know what that means?

We're going to have to suffer
through all their talking

about their world travels
and all their trophies

and all their ribbons

and all their scratching and being a DJ

and all that bullshit
that they do for a living.

And you have to be there.

We have to support each other.

Yeah, well, I... I can't go.

I have, uh, some rodeo scouts
coming for me tomorrow night.

So I'm not going to dinner.

You have ruined our buttocks.

There you are!

The twins are coming for dinner.

I made their favorite hamburger pizza,

and I'm going to need
some help from you.

Can we do it another night?
I'm really busy.

Too busy to see your brothers

who you haven't seen for five months?

Dale and his family are coming.

Yeah.

I don't ask you to do anything.

I give you free room and board.

I give you free Costco membership.

I give you free balloon school.

I'm not going tonight, okay?
I'm too busy.

It's a big night at the rodeo.
I need to practice.

Rodeo, rodeo, rodeo.

Mom, I need this, okay?

The rodeo's the only thing
I've got right now.

What about your family?

Penelope went back to France.
She left me.

I'm sorry.

She doesn't understand
a sensitive boy like you,

but I do.

I just wanted to start a family, but...

She didn't want any part of me.

You know, she might not love you,

but you got a lot
of people here who do:

Cody, you got Logan,
Dale, and you got me.

And I'm not going to leave you.

You work on your bozo routine,

and I'll have Dale help me. How's that?

Okay.

Okay. Focus on the positives

because the twins are coming.

Okay, Mom.

Well, that toilet was clogged
by a bunch of butt biscuits,

but I think I got it clean now, Mama.

Well, that's good. I got that.

I got balloons, ribbons,
glasses, plates.

One more thing. We need a bigger table.

See if you can get
something at rent-a-room.

You know, something in a Chestnut,
Walnut, "Expresso,"

uh, what's the, uh, Black wood?

Black walnut.

That would be beautiful, black walnut.

I'm happy to help out, Mama,

but why isn't the circus twerp
out here doing anything?

Well, he's practicing.
You can see that.

Well, Mama, your "medulla
omblongata" must be squeaky clean

because he has your brain so washed.

That's a part of the brain.

Look, I watch your girls
at the drop of a hat.

And I don't know
what your wife's telling them,

but they don't like me.

You can say what you want
about my wife and I,

but at least I gave you grandchildren.

Thank you, Dale.

And don't forget to get something dark.

Oh, god.

What is this?

It's the table.

- Oh, god.
- What?

This is not what I wanted.

You're going to like this one.

It's got drawers and everything.

I hate it.

We can take it back.

No, we don't have time. Get in here.

Shut the door. It's cricket season.

Bring it in. Bring it in.

Oh, god.

I mean, I like it. What time is it?

I got to go pick up Sarah
from volleyball.

Go, go. I'll clean up your mess.

Chip doesn't do anything!

Do you have any varnish I could rent?

All right, that's it.
You guys are done.

- Grab your balls.
- Parents, remember,

we have the round-Robin
coming up in Fresno.

We're 12-0, undefeated.

We need to keep that record going,

so we do need chaperones.
Any volunteers?

Maybe I can do it. When
is it, next Friday?

- It is. Yeah?
- When is it again?

Uh, it's next Friday.

You're in?

Do the chaperones get trophies?

I'll tell you, it's really
going to be fun.

Looks nice. Oh, it's 5:30.

Chip, get the China out of the garage.

I'm going to rinse my feet.

Anybody have any idea what time it is?

It's 6:00,

which is really like 5:30
in show business time.

Okay.

Uh, we're undefeated, and...

We're undefeated, right?

- Yeah, Dad.
- And, uh, we're going up

to the state tournament in Fresno.

Very exciting stuff.

I'm, uh, one of the coaches

and also a... one of the key
chaperones, I think.

Oh! We have a cricket.

Thank you, Dale,
for leaving the door open.

Now we have a cricket.

What are you talking about?

You left the door open

when they were moving the table in.

Why doesn't Chip do
anything around here?

I have a tournament to think about.

Oh, here they are. Okay.

I told you they'd get here.

- Just some...
- I'm coming.

Who are my favorite...

Hi, Mrs. Baskets.

False alarm, everyone.
It's just Martha.

It's the dead.

I'm not sure we're going
to have enough food for her.

Actually, I'm just here to pick
up Chip for the rodeo.

Well, come back later.

I can't. We need to go right now.

Martha, it's okay. It's no... no rush.

I mean, you know.

You said you wanted to do a sound check

before the Mr. Rodeo scouts get there.

Oh, Mr. Rodeo. Who are you, Mrs. rodeo?

And the two of you could
live at rodeo shack.

Good stuff, Dale. Funny.

I just came up with that.
I just came up with that.

Martha, come here.

Why?

Just have a seat.

We'll try to get out of here
when the twins show up.

- But you told me...
- I know that. It's okay.

Are they going to be here soon?

They're running late.

That's how show business works,

show business people.

Not a bad idea.

- Cody!
- Hi!

I knew they would make it.

- Hey!
- What's up, baby girl?

- Hey, come here!
- Mom! There she is!

Look what your boys got for you.

Oh, presents.

Unnecessary.

You smell so good.

That's a dope-color mumu, Mom.

You're definitely rocking that.

- Thank you.
- Chip!

Well, screw you! What's going on, baby?

Guys.

Oh, you must be the wife.

- No, I'm actually...
- Welcome.

She's just a, uh...

She's... she's my insurance adjuster.

- Mm.
- Yeah, I'm... I'm Martha.

Well, that's a fast car to be late in.

Oh, hey, Dale.

You guys at one of your dance raves?

Yep.

Yeah, I've been at volleyball practice.

Something adults do, so...

All right, let's get in the house

before another cricket gets in there.

- Come on.
- Come on, let's go.

All right. Chip, get
the "Dasanti," please.

It's a party.

Hey! Here got one, mother.

Oh. Thank you.

"Dasanti."

Yo, everybody, enjoy that

because dasanti, they give
us tons of free water now.

Yeah, Mom, and they sponsor
our DJ tent,

which holds 800 people.
We packed it last night.

Dasanti has really enhanced our brand.

We even opened
up for the chemical brothers.

I read an article about them...
the chemical brothers.

They used the rapper called q-tip.

- Yeah.
- What a cute name.

Why, was Kleenex not available?

That's that cricket.

Here a fun fact. By the 1960s,

a volleyball court had
become standard issue

in most nudist colonies.

That's from Wikipedia,

so you know it's true.

Martha, do you love this?

- Yeah.
- Is this imported?

No, it's distilled and remineralized.

It has robustness.

For water, you don't expect it,

- and then.
- Yeah.

You know, Chip's really succeeding

at the rodeo right now.

He's in the running to be Mr. Rodeo,

and actually we need to get going

if we're going to make it for that.

- Shh.
- Hey, Chip, what's up, brother?

Where's your wife at?

I don't know. Paris, I think.

- Paris?
- What's she doing in Paris?

Everybody makes mistakes.

I'm going to check
the cheeseburger pizza.

Yo, brother,

why don't you send her our CD?

I guarantee she'll come back to you.

Play number 4. That's the one I play

when it's lovemaking time.

- You do?
- Yeah, I do.

I use number 2: "Soggy."

Remember we opened
up for Nelly Furtado?

Martha, check this.

I don't know if your CD
will appeal to her.

Uh, she's more of an aquafina lady.

Good god!

- Oh, my goodness.
- Sorry.

Thank you, Martha. Chip, Dale,

get some of those old, uh,
paper napkins in the garage.

Oh, Martha, he could
never hit anything.

If you see it, kill it.

Chip, Chip, do you have
any idea how hard it is

to watch somebody
that looks just like me

make a complete pussy whistle
out of themselves? Huh?

- Yes.
- I'll tell you one thing.

I am not going to let
those DJ twins win.

For sure we will be there.

- We will be there.
- What an honor, sir.

Thank you. All right.

Bye.

Everyone, we just got invited

to have pre-show hotdogs
with the chemical brothers.

Yes! Oh, that's so wonderful.

- Yay.
- Thank you for the food.

- We got to take off.
- Oh, wait. Dessert.

Sit down. We're going to have dessert.

- We have to leave.
- It's a celebration.

Have some dessert with us.
A big celebration.

Would you guys like to make
the whipped cream with me

like when you were little kids?

Mom, you don't understand.

The chemical brothers,
they're headlining

the monster shut
up and drive tent tonight.

We got to go. The venue's,
like, an hour from here.

Well, what about tomorrow
having breakfast?

Um, I doubt it. We're usually wasted.

Okay? We got to go.

Let me get my camera. I need a picture.

You don't need to do that, Mom.
You don't need to do that.

- Yo, bye, everyone.
- Bye, everyone.

- Bye.
- Don't sweat it, Mom.

We'll send you some selfies.

Bye.

Bye, guys.

Maybe we should... Maybe
we should go now.

Oh. All I could find
was this disposable.

- They're gone?
- Yeah.

They had to take off.

Christine, do you want some help
with the whipped cream?

No.

I had a dream the other night.

We were taking a family photo:

Uh, Chip, Dale, and, uh, my husband.

And, uh, we were all smiling
except Nathaniel.

I said, "Nathaniel, smile."

But he just looked straight ahead.

Sometimes you just don't
know how unhappy someone is.

- Hey, Mom.
- Hmm.

This one.

I guess it wasn't a dream.

Crickets.

Well, there goes my deposit.

And my pizza.

Fantastic. And I'm going to put it

right in the ready grill.

Now if I can get you to do
me a favor and set it.

And forget it.

In just 15 to 18 minutes,

it's going to be perfect.

So our flank steaks are done,

and they are perfect.

Look at those. Like any good steak,

it's going to need a couple
of minutes to rest,

and while that's happening,

we can get our rice side dish ready

and light-core veggies ready.

Seems like they always got

something better to do, you know?

They shouldn't have left, Mom.

But anyway, um...

Thanks for putting all this together.

You can go, Chip.

Go be Mr. Rodeo.

Okay.

Sorry.

Okay, Chip, good luck
out there tonight.

I know those Mr. Rodeo
scouts are going to love you

- because you've been putting...
- Keep driving.

Wait. You just got here.

Shut up and drive.

Where?

Shut up and drive, Martha.

I'm sure proud you folks drove
all the way to Bakersfield

From Austin, Texas,
for my show tonight.

And I want you to know

that you're about to have
your socks blown off.

Ladies and gentlemen,
b-b-b-b-Baskets the clown!

Come on, Baskets. Get
your butt out here.

Son of a bitch.

You can put your socks back on.

Wait. What are we doing here?

I don't know.

Cody, Logan.

Chip. What you doing here?

We just took some meat, dude.
Get a hotdog.

You want a hotdog?

No, I'm good. Thank you very much.

- Martha, you?
- No, I'm okay.

She's... we're good with hotdogs.

Um, look, I came by here
to tell you that, um...

Mom really loves you guys.

She's really proud
of all your accomplishments,

and she always has, she always will.

But, uh...

She's bummed that you
guys had a visit planned

and then you bailed on her.

I can't cheer her up,

and Dale certainly can't cheer her up

because he's so weird.

But I think that you
guys should call Mom.

All right? Call her

because it's you two that she loves

and she's really proud of,

and there's nothing that Dale
and I can do about it.

She doesn't like us.

I'm sorry about you guys being adopted

into this Baskets family situation.

I know it's not the greatest
situation to be in.

But, uh...

Just call. Call Mom, okay?

Or write her. Hit her up on Twitter.

Whatever you guys do, okay?

- Okay.
- Okay.

Cool. Cool.

- Bye, guys.
- Bye, Martha.

- Peace out, Chip.
- Please out.

Uh, remember when
we made doughnuts?

And then... I was sleeping,

and you kids were in the kitchen...

And I almost broke my back.

Man.

It's so good to see you.

Oh, I miss you kids.

- We miss you, Mom.
- We do.

Oh. Hey, Chip, you're up.

Did you win Mr. Rodeo?

No.

Cody and Logan are here.

- Oh, yeah. You know what?
- Good. They must...

They're busy, they're in demand,

but they're not too busy for family.

They're not too busy for us.

They brought us bear claws

and fresh-squeezed orange juice.

Good for them.

Yeah. And there's plenty for you.

Plenty for you, kiddo.

Enjoy.

directed by
JONATHAN KRISEL

written by
JONATHAN KRISEL

created by
LOUIS C.K. & ZACH GALIFIANAKIS & JONATHAN KRISEL

Everybody got a water?

Chip, you got a water?

Martha, you got one?

- Yeah, it's great.
- Mm.

Usually I like it chilled,
but it's delicious.

When you need more,
Ma, just let us know.

We'll send it to you.

And the bottle's so pretty.

Isn't it?

If you put the light through that,

oh, my god.

I might put some in the window.

starring
ZACH GALIFIANAKIS____________________MARTHA KELLY

LOUIE ANDERSON______________________Ernest Adams
Garry Clemmons_______________________Jason Clemmons
Malia Pyles____________________________Julia Rose

Ellen D. Williams_________________________Dan Gilvezan
Nancy Bellany__________________________Heather Olt