Baskets (2016–…): Season 1, Episode 4 - Easter in Bakersfield - full transcript

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- BASKETS -

Drink up, Baskets. It's almost Easter.

What is this?

They call it Bunny Juice.

I'll tell you, there ain't
nothing like Easter Eve

and a tall glass of bunny juice

to make a feeler...

Feel like a man.

This is like some new karaoke.

Baskets,

if you're too big a pussy,
you won't catch any bunnies.



Hee hee hee hee!

...that she just can't touch

if at any time he's in a jam

she'll be by his side

just doesn't realize
he hurt her so much

Listen to me.

Don't go chasing waterfall

please stick to the river

and the lake that you used to.

Chip.

Come on, Chip.

- Chip.
- What?

Easter Sunday, Chip.
We're going to church.

What? I'm not going to church.



You're going to church.

Now hurry up. I don't want to be late.

It's embarrassing.

Oh, Mom, wear panties next time.

Life is a juggling act,

but don't clown around about your career.

Come on down to Baskets career college,

or follow us online... Socially online.

Not only am I the Dean...
Well, you know the rest.

I'm also the janitor.

- Bienvenue.

Hello, and welcome
to Conversational French,

the language of love.

So, um, let's get started.

Bonjour. Of course you know that one.

Bonjour is hello.

Chip.

Yeah.

You're not wearing that to church.

What's wrong with it?

You look like a gypsy

on the way to some gypsy dance.

It's Easter Sunday.

Is that what you're wearing?

Yes. Do you like it?

No. No. No. No.

Ohh. No. No.

Ah. Here you go.

Oh, you were big back then.

I'm not wearing this.

Yes, you're wearing it.

I'll see you in the car.

## [Classical Neil Diamos
"Easter in Bakersfield".

- Can you believe this?
- It's a spring classic.

- Uh...
- #Ow when it's cold... #

You know, you should not
distract the driver.

# Easter in Bakersfield #

# Bakersfield... #

Stop! Mom! Drive! Ow!

My head's stuck.

Gosh!

You know, I'll pull this car over,

and I'll spank you.

How would you like that on Easter Sunday?

# And now it's time to kneel #

# in Bakersfield #

- Be careful, Mom. Careful.
- I am. I am.

You're a little late today.

I'm very sorry.

Well, that happens with you.

Sorry.

Oh, Chip, can you pop in the back?

Hey, memaw. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Memaw gets car sickie.

- Okay.
- Oh, don't tell him that.

Well, you do.

- Remember the time...
- Let me in.

- Let me in.
- Ohh!

Okay.

- Ooh.
- That's Chip.

- He's in the back.
- Hey.

Is that the one that runs the college?

- No, no. The other one.
- Oh. Um...

- He's got a...
- How are you, dearie?

Hi, Memaw.

He's got a brand-new part-time job.

- Oh, wonderful. What is it?
- Tell her about it, Chip.

Um, I'm a... I'm a clown.

What? You're a clown?

Good. Yay.

Ohh, let's go.

Jesus Christ is risen today

alleluia

?ur triumphant Scooby Doo...

?-a-a-a-a-a-le-uia-uia...

who did once upon a cross

Mom, Mom, I've got to pee.

Can I go pee?

The lord is Ne...

Fumer

is to smoke.

Fumer, as in fumes.

Do you have a lighter, miss?

Avez vous du feu, Mademoiselle ?

If you wanna say

I daydream.

You will say

Je revasse

I daydream

Sir.

You're going to have to move your car.

This is church parking only.

- Yeah, I'm in church.
- No, you're in a car.

And it's a smoke-free zone anyway.

I'm in the middle of something, okay?

Can you just give me a minute?

If you don't move your car,
I'm going to have it towed.

I'm going to have you towed.

I'm serious, sir. I'll have you towed.

I promise.

Good. Get it towed.

I'm having it towed. I will.

Okay. I said fine.

It doesn't matter?

Look for Jesus.

- Hey, Mom.
- He's right there.

Mom.

Think about the feeling...

of looking for Jesus...

as you're outside hunting
for your eggs today.

They're towing your car.

And when you find an egg,
do not think "an egg."

Yo, Mom.

Think of the chocolate inside...

They're towing your car.

That represents Jesus, so think of Jesus.

Mother!

What is Easter?

And how do we celebrate it?

- Mom!
- With colored eggs

hidden by a giant bunny.

- Mom. Mom.
- Chip, just leave.

- Just leave.
- Hey,

if I want something out of your mouth,

I'll ask it, okay?

- Get out of here.
- Sorry.

I'm trying to do some worship here.

Go ahead, pastor.

Think about...

Christine Baskets, you're being paged.

Let me just... I lost my place a bit.

Christine Baskets...

Sorry. Jesus, egg, da da da da da da,

chocolate... Yeah. Okay. I'm back.

What the hell is going on over here?

Mom, your car is being towed.

Jesus Criminy.

Can one more thing happen today?

Here. This is for the collection plate.

And we found

a man crucified on a cross.

He gave his body for our sins.

Chip. Chip Baskets.

- Hey.
- I noticed you earlier.

Yes, your honor.

I was actually hoping to see you.

Your mother tells me
you've been struggling.

What? That's not true. No.

You know, the adopted twins
are doing quite well.

- Oh!
- Mm-hmm.

What is it they do again?

Deejays, very successful.

Flew first class last year.

Ohh. And how's Chip?

Oh, Chippie, he's a trouper.

We love him.

He's a free spirit, you know.

Oh, yeah, yeah. My Dana said

she saw him chasing
a bull down at the rodeo.

- Dana.
- Yeah.

I think I saw her at K-Mart

methed out of her gourd.

- Oh.
- Mm-hmm.

No. Well, Dana did have a problem

with prescription medication,

but she is just fine now.

Oh, well, that's good

because I felt bad for you.

Maybe it's the way she's wearing her hair.

To wander.

J'errais sans but.

I wander aimlessly about.

Je deteste ici.

I hate it here.

"Je deteste" is "I detest."

"Ici" is a very small word... Is "here."

So je deteste ici: I hate it here.

Paris me fait me sentir en vie.

Paris makes me feel alive.

You're funny, man.

Oh, you know me?

Yes, she knew, you're funny!

Do something funny!

Well okay.

Always nice to meet a fan.

Um, hold this for a second.

Oh. Well, okay.

Can I use one of your pink eggs there?

Thank you. Let me see what we've got here.

Oh. A little candy.

Hey, Dad, look.

It's the funny man
from the college commercials.

Y-yeah, I'm Dale Baskets.

Now only am I a student,

I'm the Dean, and I'm a weirdo!

I only like to hang out with children.

So if you've got a kid, bring him over

because I'd love to hang out with him

because my name is Dale Baskets!

Loves kids. Loves hanging out with kids.

Chip. What's gotten into you today?

Get in the car.

We're going to miss the brunch.

Brunch? I don't want to go to a brunch.

Yeah, we can't go to brunch.

We have to go to Nicole's Filipino church.

It's catholic. It is a catholic church.

See ya. Wouldn't want to be ya.

Catholic church.

Get in the car.

Do we have to go?

Listen, I have never missed
an Easter brunch at the casino,

and today we're not going to start.

Oh, this is nice.

All right, someone will be right over

- to get your drink orders.
- Thank you so much.

Feel free to hit the buffet any time.

- Oh, I will.
- Okay.

- Oh, let's see.
- Oh, hello.

Look. Almost got it.

Happy Easter. Glad
we could all get together.

- If you can take it.
- Chip.

Now, Chip.

Martha, isn't that?

Martha. Isn't that Martha?

Yeah. But, Mom...

- Martha!
- Mom, shh.

- Hi, Mrs. Baskets.
- Hi.

Hi, Chip.

Is this your family?

- Yes.
- Hi.

- I'm Christine Baskets.
- What was that?

- Christine Baskets.
- Oh, hello.

Hello. This is my mother Esther.

- Happy Halloween.
- Uh-huh.

What did she say?

Uh, nothing. And this is my son Chip.

- Hi, Chip.
- Hi, Chip.

Hello Martha's parents.

Yes, Martha's parents!

He has been sniffing around your mother
for quite some time!

Who is this woman?

- I don't know.
- Huh?

She's, uh, my friend's mother.

Mm-hmm. We should sit with you.

- No.
- No, we're here.

- We're good.
- We should sit together.

- Don't you love this idea?
- Yeah.

We're practically related.

- That's a bad idea.
- It'll be fun.

It's Easter.

If we could just move it...
Martha, help out a little.

- Okay. Sorry.
- Geez.

Mom, want me to help you with that?

We're new friends, and we'll get
to know each other.

- Oh, god!
- Dad, get up.

- Are these weighted?
- Oh, my goodness.

Oh. You're right.

Would it kill you to stand up, Mr. Brooks?

I can't do this!

- Okay, Mother.
- Sorry Mom.

- I can't do this...
- Okay.

Chip, I think you should sit here.

- Okay.
- Next to Martha.

Thank you, Chip.

Isn't he polite? He's my favorite.

Don't tell the others. Ha ha ha!

Oh. Can we get some water? Uhh.

I can get you a cheese
omelet or a ham omelet.

Probably some bacon in that.

I can get you huevos rancheros.

That'll be cool.

- That sounds good.
- All right.

I like your ponytail.

My sister has a ponytail.

- Does she?
- Yeah.

I was thinking about getting one,

but I might look like my sister.

You know what I mean?

About what?

I don't know.

Can you just make my omelet, please?

Yes.

And here is your spicy medium...

Uh, here you go.

- Thanks.
- Thank you.

Cold peppers coming through.

Huh. I wonder what happens
to all this when it's over.

Don't answer that, my freezers are full.

Well, w?re a mathadist,
trough and throug...

Catholic lite, I call it.

Yeah, and what are you?

Lutheran.

Lutheran.

Yeah. Lutheran.

I like the music especially.

Oh, the music, yeah. Ha ha ha.

Oh. I love your parents.
Did I tell you that yet?

They're pretty great.

They're so sweet.

I got to get out of here.

- What?
- I need to get out of here.

Can you sit down for five minutes?

- I have been sitting down.
- Five minutes.

Do you know what you did
to me at the church?

Do you know how much you embarrassed me?

Can I just... I want to go pee.

Flicking the lights off and on.

Can I just go...

What was that, morse code?

I was trying to let you know something.

Can I just go urinate, please?

Easter. Please. Give me a little break.

Ohh.

Actually, can I...

I really need to go to the bathroom, okay?

He doesn't need to go to the bathroom.

- I do need to go to the...
- He doesn't.

This is what he says all the time

because... I don't know why.

Maybe you could tell everybody why.

Maybe you could give us a clue.

Do you have a secret life?

Honey, I... I don't understand.

Are you going with this boy?

No. Um, Chip's married.

Shhh! Martha please!

Married!

Did he told you he is married?

Shh! Martha, please...

No. Um, Chip's he probably told you that

so you'd quit sniffing around on him.

- Um...
- Well, actually,

- I am married.
- What?

I am married!

There's a lot of things you
don't know about me, Mom.

- You're married?
- Yeah.

What else can I tell you?

I'm a smoker.

I'm a smoker. What do
you think about that?

And I've been smoking since I was 37.

Do you want to kill me on Easter Sunday?

Is that what you're trying to do?

I'm an adult, and I can
do whatever I want.

So this is me being an adult, okay?

What's going on here? I don't know.

I guess, uh, Chip's Mom didn't know

that he married a lady he met in France,

which I kind of spilled the beans on.

- France?
- Martha, please be quiet.

She's French?

French-Canadian?

No. She's French-France.

Oh, my god.

Sorry, Chip. I goofed.

Yeah, you did goof.

But your whole life's a goof, you know?

You've got your goof
parents with you, too.

Gosh.

Just stop this. Just stop this.

Just stop this. Stop this madness.

Jesus, Chip.

Excuse me, sir.

You can't smoke in here.

He's not going to smoke.

Just give me one second, okay?

Absolutely. You just can't smoke in here.

- There's no smoking.
- So sorry.

What?

Happy Easter, everybody.

Honey, how do you know these people?

They're not always like this.

I'm really sorry. He didn't
get enough sleep last night.

That's what you've been saying
since he was a little baby.

He jumps out of the playpen,
and you say he needs sleep.

But it's true.

You have to get enough sleep.
You really do.

Do you know what will help all this?

What?

Let's get a dessert.

It's not going to help any.

It's not going to change anything.

Je voudrai echapper.

I would like to escape.

Tu me manques,

Wich translate to: You
are beeing missed by me

Manquer: To miss

Tu me manques: I miss you

Je me souviens de la premiere fois

que je vous ai vu.

I remember the first time I saw you.

Ma cherie means my dear.

Mon amour, ma cherie.

Desire is longing,

so to say "I long for you":

Je te desire. I long for you.

Hello, there, sir. How's your day going?

Everything's good, thank you.

Is there anything I can do

to make your stay here more pleasant?

Perhaps sign you up for a round of golf?

A massage? Our masseuse
Xavier works miracles.

No, I'm okay.

All right. Have a Happy Easter.

Thank you. Oh, you should know

there's a 900-pound lady
making a ruckus at the buffet.

It started when she was a teenager.

I would find these candy
wrappers and what have you

- in her backpack.
- Mother.

And when she was a freshman,

she was poised to be

the head of her cheerleading squad,

but the time in few years

that just went out the window.

I sprained my ankle.

Why do you think you sprained your ankle?

It was all that new excess
fat she had on her.

I did everything I could.

I made her write down everything she ate.

We had willing Wensday,

but somehow she was always able to get it.

So that's why
after a while I just gave up.

I mean, she was so sensitive about it,

and it was really, really sad

because cheerleading
meant everything to her.

It's so sad.

Well, eventually,

she had to settle
for that husband of hers.

She was a piece of work.

Then she just funneled all of her energy

into motherhood, and you see
how well that turned out.

So the sugar just kept coming.

Christine, sit down, honey.

Eat your desserts.

And this concludes our first lesson:

Conversational French,
the language of love.

Next lesson will cover...

Let me get that for you, baby.

Thanks you very much.

See you at the next lesson

Remember

Keep practicing

Au revoir, bye, good luck

You okay?

Yeah. You?

I've been better.

Not my favorite Easter brunch.

My mother shamed me out of a dessert.

I'm sorry that I didn't tell
you about getting married.

I'm sorry.

It's all right. She nice?

Hum... Good question.

My life's in disarrey right now, Mom.

Whose isn't?

Whose isn't?

Whoo-hoo! Whaah!

Shut up.

directed by
JONATHAN KRISEL

written by
SAMUEL D.HUNTER

created by
LOUIS C.K. & ZACH GALIFIANAKIS & JONATHAN KRISEL

Easter in Bakersfield

havin' brunch in Bakersfield

it's Bakersfield

stand in line in Bakersfield

and everybody's fine

in Bakersfield

starring
ZACH GALIFIANAKIS

MARTHA KELLY
LOUIE ANDERSON

Sabina Sciubba
Ernest Adams

Eve Brenner
Roger V. Burton

Ivy Jones
Ellen D. Williams

David Hornsby
Logan Schaefer

Mandy McMillian
Annie McKnight

RJ Walker
Maree Cheatham