Barry (2018–…): Season 3, Episode 5 - Crazytimesh*tshow - full transcript

The Bolivian problem resurfaces. Gene reconnects with faces from his past. Sally is disappointed with the future of her show. Barry continues to spiral.

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -
- I didn't...
- Shots fired!


Corpsman... Corpsman!

Barry: Albert, Albert,
it's gonna be all right...

Special Agent Albert Nguyen.

I'm here to help you
catch whoever killed

Detective Janice Moss.

I'm Detective Mae Dunn,
and this is Chief Krauss.

You can call me Big Cat.

Look, I know this is
an international case,

and they have to send a Fed,

but we already know who
killed Detective Moss.

It was a Chechen assassin
called the Raven.

Yeah, whoever came up
with that is a clown.

- Wow.
- Albert Nguyen: Right, so when I was briefed,

it turns out a guy I served with

was with Mr. Cousineau
when you found the body.

- Barry Berkman?
- Nguyen: Yeah.

Yeah, we cleared him.

He was with the wrong
guy at the wrong time.

Berkman was just
helping his friend.

- Yeah, sounds like him.
- Krauss: They were both framed

- by the Raven.
- I'm gonna take you to your desk and get you briefed.

Welcome aboard, Tuff Turf!

Natalie : Sally.

Hey, Sally, wake up.

It's the whole home screen.

at your freakin' face!

It's huge! That face is
being seen everywhere

this morning.

And you're still a
98% on Rotty T's.

This is insane!

It's all happening!

Why the fuck is
nobody noticing you?

- Look, it only went up on BanShe last night.
- Right.

- Mm.

If anything, I should just enjoy
my anonymity while it lasts.

Because in a few short days,

quiet coffee alone won't
even be possible...

"Joplin" 's not on
the homepage anymore.



It was literally on the home
page less than an hour ago.

- Okay. That's weird.
- Yeah.

- Um, "Joplin"...
- "Joplin."

- Where are we?

Barry: Thanks for doing
this on such short notice.

Jermaine: Oh, no worries, man.

Nick: We did make some
changes to your room,

but it's, like, pretty
much the same thing.

I think you're gonna love it.

Barry: Oh yeah?

- Maybe. Who knows.
- Be sweet.

We turned it into an
audition room!

Jermaine: Green screen
is for auditions,

and the recording booth
is for, uh, V.O. stuff.

I'm recording a really
sick comedy record, man.

Where do I sleep?

- W-well, don't sleep there.
- No.

No, and I don't... No,
and don't sleep over there

- because that's where all of...
- And don't sleep over there either

- 'cause that's just kinda my space.
- You know what? Actually,

maybe we'll just
mark a little space

for you right here on the floor.

Producer: Hey,
hey! There he is!

The man of the hour.

- Nice "Variety" piece.
- Thank you.

Did you get the pages, the
scene with your dying wife?

Right here.

You know what, it's
beautifully written.

I hope I do it justice.

Every day you hope to be
surprised in this business,

and you almost never are.

Thanks for the opportunity.

I'm so happy to be here.

Well, hey, we'll be watching.

: Hey. Hey. Listen.

I am so sorry that I
threw tea in your face,

you know, at "Murder,
She Wrote," I...

That was wrong, and I apologize.

Wow. Thank you for that.

I'm glad we had this little
opportunity to reconnect.

Me, too.

- Fuches: Hi there!

Miss? Hi!

You must be, uh, Traci, right?

Sure, you are.
Hey, is your brother,

uh, this guy?

Yeah. He's dead.

Oh, yeah, he sure is.

But, I'm a private investigator.

- Ken Goulet, and I...

I know that your
brother's good name

was sullied by the LAPD,

and that he was
running a crime ring.

- We both know that isn't true, right?
- Probably is true.

- Uh...


Jesus Christ. Heh, well...

Alright, yeah. Look,
look, look, look.

They set him up, and
I can give you the guy

- who did it.
- We're good.

Oh, you're good, huh? I
see. You don't want justice.

You don't want your
brothers to have a little

vengeance, huh? Hey, wait!

- This guy, Barry,

owes him 1,700
bucks for a hot tub!



So, I got out my laptop and
typed out the entire title,

J-O-P-L-I-N, and
still had no matches.

It wasn't until I
typed out S-A-L-L-Y

S-H-O-W J-O-P-L-I...

that it auto-completed the rest,
and I found the show, so...

what do we need to do to
get it back on the homepage?

We are canceling the show.

- What?
- Why?

Well, the algorithm
felt it wasn't hitting

the right taste clusters.

T-taste clusters?

It's been... 12 hours.

Don't we need time
to get word of mouth?

Oh, the algorithm takes

- word of mouth into account.
- Mm.

But it considers other
things, too. For instance,

if viewers see
someone eating dessert

within the first two
minutes of the episode,

- they almost always finish the entire season.
- Always.

Oh, and it's not just
dessert. The same goes for

Central Park,
kittens, Dev Patel...

: Dev Patel.

We-we have a 98 on
Rotten Tomatoes.

- Right.
- 98. And people were...

They were crying
at the screening.

I know, and I was one of them.

But, I guess I was wrong.


Why did you even bother

- watching cuts, giving us notes...
- Careful.

If you're just going
to let some machine

make all your decisions for you?

See, I-I can see
that you're upset,

and if there was someone

I could call to override
the decision, I would.

But, I can't because
I am that person.

You know, does
that track for you?

You know, maybe if "Pam!"
hadn't stolen your thunder...

"Pam!" has a 27%!

But the right
verticals are watching.

Taste clusters exploding.

Yeah, you know, I've been
doing this for 30 years,

and if there's anything
I've learned, it's...

nobody knows anything

except the algorithm.

Fuck the algorithm!

And, you know, as you were
saying that I thought...

So, what do you think?

- W-what is this?
- It's for rent,

and this could be yours
and Gordon's new house.

If you like it.

giving us a house?

- That's crazy.
- It's not crazy.

I know who I've been.

And I need to be closer to you.

- Where'd that money come from?
- Oh, that doesn't matter.

Honestly, that doesn't matter.

Want to see the inside?


Come on.



Sally: Yeah...

This probably won't
help anything,

but for what it's worth,

I learned so much from
watching you work.

It was inspirational

to see you put
yourself out there

and create something so
wonderful from scratch.

I feel like I grew as
an artist and a person,

and I'll never forget it.

Plus, I know the next show you
make's gonna be even better,

so fuck BanShe.


Look, I've been under a
lot of pressure lately,

and, um, I'm trying
to make things right,

but doing that is
very stressful.

And I think I just
took it out on Sally.

Look, I acknowledge it
sucks to get yelled at,

but I don't think it's
something to get dumped over.

First off, great to see you,

and as much as we
love coming home,

finding you sitting here...

- you're always welcome to call ahead.
- You killed all my buddies.

- Shit, I'm sorry about that, man.
- NoHo Hank: No, no, no.

I think this is all part
of same problem, right?

It's classic situation
of bottling it up.

You keep who you are a secret

because you cannot be
who you really are.

So, you're trying to be

two different guys at once,

and that is simply
not sustainable.

So, naturally, there is...

resentment, anger, distrust.

It makes sense you would turn
into human pressure cooker

and shoot up all of our friends

and eventually yell
at your girlfriend.

I didn't yell at
my girlfriend. I...

like, loudly stated...

You know, like... I-I basic...
I went like this. I was like,

: "Sally.
You gotta help my friend."

: Like, I
said it that loud.



you have massive,

massive rage issues.

And I think they are triggered
when you feel slighted,


And perhaps that would not
happen if you are honest upfront.

But Sally can't know who I am.

Oh, obviously, but
I'm talking about...

small gesture.

You know, something creative.

The real you.


our first night,

when we here in the house,

I make Hank traditional
Bolivian meal.

- It was heaven.
- And...

Yeah, it... Well, it made
me feel very close to him.

NoHo Hank: Cristobal
and I thrive

on little moments like that.

And honesty.

Uh, yeah.


Krauss: I like
this graphic here,

but I think I may prefer
this font over here.

Maybe we can have the boys
down at the paint shop

do a few more mock-ups?

So this, uh, NoHo Hank guy's
lying his freakin' ass off.

What did the rest
of his guys say?

Hey, Big Cat. Um...

You raided the nursery and
brought these guys in, right?

Or were you too busy
making a logo for something

that doesn't even exist?

We were waiting to put
surveillance on them first

to get proof.

Alright, so let me get
this straight. Um...

you haven't placed
a bug in there yet?

No, we have not.

You know what? Doesn't
fuckin' matter.

These pieces of shit

are a known crime organization.

So, we send some
units over there,

we round up these
fuckin' assholes,

we bring them back here,
we step on their necks,

and we see if their stories

match up with Hank's. Yes?

Now. Now!

- Barry: Shit.

Would you mind helping me?


- Was that him?
- Yeah, it was him.

I don't know. I didn't think
he'd be home. I just kinda,

like, ran into him and
just froze, you know?

Okay, so... Alright, so,

I-I'll take the gun, and I'll
just go back to his apartment,

and I'll knock on the door,
and then, I'll just...

- just do it.
- No, no, I...

I think we should wait
until he comes out.

I think we should follow
him and go somewhere safe.

- And I'm gonna do it.
- No, I-I can do it, Mom...

I'm doing it. Do you hear me?

I'm gonna do it.

Okay, I see you.
You can see me?

- Yes? Good, good.

Yandar! Akhmal! Say hello
to elders from Grozny.

- Both: Hello!
- Batir: Pick up heroin, eh?


Batir: Good. Uh, higher.
Little higher. Huh?

- - Andrei : Where is everybody?

This is whole operation? This?

Well, is matter of perspective.

I mean, it's hard to get a
grasp of the size of the place,

but when you see it, it's
much bigger than it looks, eh?

Is very sophisticated
cover for heroin operation,

right? No? Am I crazy?

Okay, I have an idea.

So, from up here, you can
see whole operation, eh?

Now, remember, when we come
here, there was nothing, eh?

Just empty car parking lot.
Can you imagine?

- Andrei: Who these guys?

- Batir?
- Don't shoot!

- Ah! Fuck you!

Andrei: What the fuck?

- Batir?

Is this policía?

Andrei: Batir?


- Officer: Fall back! Fall back!

- Oh!

Batir, this is crazy time
shit show. Y-y-you and I,

we going to have talk
about your future.

Joe Mantegna:
Gene! You made it!

Gene Cousineau:
Yeah! Indeed, I did.

- Well, I'm glad you did.
- Gene: Thank you.

I want you to meet some people.

These are the Colemans from
the Pasadena Playhouse.

Of course, I know who you are.

I hear your productions
are marvelous.

- Thank you.
- Joe: And this is Annie Eisner.

She teaches art at a
school my kids went to.


Hi, Gene.

You know each other?

We do.

- Been a long time.

Well, shit.

Um... Hey. Well, thanks
for the, uh, wine.

- Yeah.
- And why don't you just, um,

uh, give it to Gabby at the bar

- and have him make you a drink while you're there.
- I will.

And we are set.

I'm so excited.

Me, too.

The broker in Santa
Fe said the place

is available to check out
as early as next week.

Are you free to
drive down with me?

- I'm completely free, Hank.

Yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

Oh, we should load up our
phones with some audiobooks.

Uh, we have to finish
the last "Percy Jackson."

Oh right. "Percy Jackson..."

- Akhmal, I told you, I'm taking personal day.
- Akhmal: Hank.

We just got hit by Bolivians.

They took me. I'm calling
from trunk of car.

What do you mean we just
got hit by Bolivians?

Akhmal: A woman named
Elena is coming for you.

- Elena? Who's Elena?
- Akhmal: You must run.

Hank... I'm sorry.

Cristobal: No! No! No!

So, I'm coming up with
a voice for Fat Tony,

and figure, might as well
talk like my Uncle Willy.

: That's why
Fat Tony talks like this.

Listen, ex... I'm so sorry.

I don't mean to
interrupt, but I-I...

I have to say something
before we finish

this amazing meal.

Joe, we came up together.

We trained with the same people,

we were in productions together.

And then, you had to
go and be successful.

- And I took your success

very personally.

I started to lie about you.

I started rumors.

And after all that,

you still invite me

into your home.

And that shows me what
kind of guy you are.

Look, I never would have
violated my restraining order

if I didn't think you had made
some big changes in your life.

Well, sometimes you need
a gun held to your head

to see what's important
in this world.

- I know exactly what you're talking about.
- Mm-hmm.

So please,

let me just say I am so sorry.

Well, I appreciate it,
Gene. So, to new...

I'm not done.

I came here to make
peace with you, Joe.

And lo and behold,
I see somebody else

I completely fucked
over years ago.

Annie and I had a relationship.
She's a theater director.

She directed me in
some productions.

She is a genius,

and I am an asshole boyfriend.

Annie, I am so sorry

for the way I treated you.

But, I am so happy

because it seems like
life has been good to you.

Joe: Well then.

To new beginnings.

You're forgetting the part
where you ruined my career.

Eh, fuck.

- What?
- You blackballed me.

You were furious
that I left you,

and you made it your mission
that I never work in New York

or LA again.

And I didn't.

- I don't remember that.
- Yes, you do.

And I don't think that you're
really apologizing for us.

You're just saying that so you
don't have to feel bad anymore.

I... Th-that just isn't true.

Well, you saying sorry
doesn't bring my career back.

Joe, I'm so sorry. I gotta go.

Dear Sally,

Here's the keys. I'm sorry
things didn't work out.


this is what I'm about.

- Sally.

Hey, um, I was
dropping off the keys,

um, but I-I made
something for you that...

Are you okay?

I just really need to be
alone right now, please.

- Are you crying?
- No.



Hey, is it okay that
I'm comforting you?


Are you okay?

My show got canceled.


- Why?

- No one watched it.
- It just premiered last night.

I know!

Fucking BanShe and
fucking Diane Villa.

I mean, they're such
cowards. I mean, their jobs

are totally pointless. Like, a
computer makes their decisions.

Oh my god.

I'm so sorry.

- You worked so hard on that.

Yeah, no shit.

For them, it's
just another show,

but for me, you know, it was...


You know, I just thought, like,
if I could tell this story,

then maybe my life
might... matter.

I know.

- Do you know where she lives?
- I don't know.

What, were you gonna, like,

send her an angry letter
or something?

No, no, nothing like that.

I'm just gonna freak
her out a little bit.

Freak her out how?

Oh, there's a lot of
ways. It's, you know...

nothing bad. No, it's just...

like, for instance, I could...

send her a picture
of herself sleeping.

You know, just as a
way of being like, hey,

not cool what you did
to Sally, you know?

So you'd break into her house?

Oh, she'd never
know I was there.

No, the whole point
is to isolate her

and make her feel like
she's going insane.

So, I would just
do little things

like replace her dog with a
slightly different dog, or,

you know, change the
furniture in her house

so she thinks she's shrinking.
You know, basic stuff,

most of it I learned
in the military.

Some of it on a subreddit.

You know. Basically,
just plant a seed,

and then they just
kinda hang themselves,

so it's super nonviolent.

But by the end of it, like,

her brain will have essentially
eaten itself, you know?

But that's on the
table if you want it.


I'm just so sorry
this happened to you.

Can I make you some
tea or something or...

- Barry?
- Hm?

I need you to get away from me.


Get out.

Did I say something or...

Get the fuck out.

- Get the fuck out!
- Okay. Jesus Christ...

Okay, there he is.

Okay, remember.
You walk up to him,

you ask for directions, and
then you turn and walk away.

R-right, I'll go up, I'll ask directions,
and then I'll get outta there.

Yes, it is important for you...

What the?

- Oh my god...
- What...

- Oh my... Mom... Wh...

- Julie: Kyle... No...