Barry (2018–…): Season 3, Episode 4 - all the sauces - full transcript

Desperate to solve his Bolivian problem, Noho Hank turns to Barry with a plan; Fuches returns to LA with a vengeance; Sally celebrates the premiere of her show; Gene scrambles to skip town, only to be bombarded with reasons to stay.

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -
(insects chirping)

(indistinct conversation)

(door unlocking)

Phil (on phone): As far as
conferences go, it was boring.

Nothing to report. Oh,
how was Kyle's game?

Oh, it was amazing.

Six-zero. Kyle
pitched seven innings.

Coach said it was the
fastest he'd ever thrown.

Phil: No way. Are
you kidding me?

Ugh, I'm sorry I missed it.

Oh hey, so I know you
don't want to celebrate,

but I made a reservation at
Brio's at 7:00 tomorrow night.

- (laughs) You did?
- Phil: I did.

- That's awesome!
- Phil: Anyway,

I'm gonna stand by
on the earlier flight.

Hopefully, I'll be
home around lunch.

Oh, I hope so.

Okay, babe. I'll see you
when you get here. I love you.

I love you, too. Sleep tight.

(silenced gunshot)




- (click)
- (faucet running)

(washing hands)

(faucet shuts off)

(unscrewing silencer)

(knocking on door)

May I help you?

Good morning, ma'am.
Uh, Kenneth Goulet.

Do you have a moment?

(theme playing)

All I'm saying is that
sometimes the police fall short.

Now, justice...

That's still attainable.

- Kyle: Who is this?
- Hi. You must be Kyle.

-I'm, uh, Kenneth
Goulet... -Please leave.


- (grabs card)
- Okay.

I understand you had a
full-ride to play ball at Michigan.

You decided to stay
home. Why was that?

Look, man, whatever it is
you're selling, we don't want any.

I know who killed your dad.

♪ ♪




(footsteps approach)

(heavy breathing)


- Wait, have you been up all night?
- I fucked up, son.

W-w-what is all this? What
hap... What's going on here?

I pissed off the wrong guy.

Dad, you do that every day.

We gotta leave.
We're leaving Dodge.

Leave LA? I... No, I-I can't.

- I can't leave LA.
- Okay.

You get ready.

I'm gonna pack the car.

I'm gonna get new suitcases,

- you pack Gordon.
- Dad,

- I'm not leaving LA.
- What the hell happened

on "Laws of Humanity" yesterday?

Tom, this is not a good time.

Just tell them I was doing what
I thought was best for my family.

They loved you. They
want to bring you back.

The showrunner told me he
had no idea you were that good.

He said you gave
real pathos to that...

To that sad old man character.

And now, they're
gonna extend the part,

give you additional
scenes. (laughs)

On "Laws of" fucking "Humanity"!

You know how big
that show is? It's huge!

Gets like-like a
1.6 in the demo.

Tom, I'm leaving town.

What? Why?

Because I pissed off
a guy I shouldn't have.

Well, I must say, that's, uh,

that's right on
brand for you, Gene.

You know, I've been
your agent for 30 years,

and let me tell you something.

It has not been easy.

People have told
me you're narcissistic,


petty, unhinged.

Their words, not mine.

Volatile, toxic,
abusive, malignant.

A scrub, a dope, a dummy,

a loser, a cocksucker,

a dump truck, a
stone-cold buster...

A bomb? Why can't
I just shoot the guy?

Well, we were going
to have you shoot them,

- but...
- Them?

Wait, I thought it was just
one guy, this Fernando.

It was. You know, but then,

Dom and DeLuise over
here pointed out that

if we only kill Fernando,
then, like, a whole contingent

of just weirdly stunning
Bolivian soldiers

would come in
here and kill all of us.

So, it's been decided that you
are going to blow them all up

during their midday meeting,
which is usually around 5 PM.

Now, Cristobal will be
at Pilates at that time,

- so he won't be there.
- Right, so I'm bombing a house?

Oh, and how. Peep
this. Give me your phone.

You need the Detonate app.

Oh wait, shit. I need your face.

- (app dings)
- Bingo.

Would you like to receive

Detonate special
promotional offers?

Absolutely. Can it access
to your photos? Yes.

Location services? Always.

Can I share personal
information with market research?

Sure. Why not?

And you are set.


Your password is

- but the S's are all dollar signs.
- Thanks.

So, where's this bomb?

(blinds clicking)

NoHo Hank: It's
right over there.

(quiet street noise)


(clicking, whirring)

NoHo Hank: Pick it up!

-(beep) -(clicking,
whirring continue)

- (high-pitched whine)
- (soft breathing)

(recorded voice
speaking foreign language)

(recording repeats)

(recording repeats)


(recording repeats)

(recording repeats)

Sally: I want my speech tonight
not to be corny, you know?

I want it to be honest
and real, like the show.

(sighs) Not some
superficial bullshit

- about how it might be perceived.
- Right.

- Take this down.
- Yeah.

Um, "I didn't write,
direct, produce,

- and star in 'Joplin' for the glory."
- Mm-hmm.

"I do this show
for a little girl

who came from Joplin, Missouri."

Yeah, and maybe that
little girl's name is Abigail,

but everybody calls her Thweetie
because her grandma had a lisp,

and she'd say, like, "Thweetie!
Time to milk the cows!"

Yeah. And, um, maybe
Abigail lived on a farm,

so she was really sheltered
and she didn't see a television set

until she was,
like, 14 years old.

And every night, she
would be like, "Mama,

"promise me those little people

aren't gonna come out
of the television set..."

- Natalie! That little girl is me.
- Yeah, yeah.

You're Thweetie?

(Muzak playing over speakers)

Tom: cracker-ass,

wack as hell, weak sauce,

fuckhead, fuckface, fucknuts,

shit nuts, shit
fuck, fuck fuck...

Wait a minute, somebody
called me a fuck fuck?

Yeah. Rob Reiner, 1994.

Was the "Ghosts of
Mississippi" audition.

I specifically said I
don't want feedback.

But listen, now, you have
the opportunity to be known

as Gene Cousineau, great actor.

I'm gonna send
you my new address.

I'm probably gonna
be under another name.

Go and-and pay
for these, will you?


Tom: Joe Mantegna.

Gene, it's, uh...

- it-it's Joe Mantegna.
- Shut the fuck up.

Joe, listen. I've had
a very stressful day,

so if we don't
make a scene here,

- I would really appreciate it.
- Hey. I'm the one violating

my restraining order
against you, hotshot.

The only reason I came
over here was to say...

good job what
you did for that vet.


- Joe Mantegna: The "Variety" piece.
- You were in "Variety"?

"Gene Cousineau, Former Actor,

Pays it Forward to
America's Heroes."

You didn't have this made at Knott's
Berry Farm to fuck with me, did ya?

I do a lot of work
with the vets, too.

Here's my challenge coin.

"The casting director from
'Laws of Humanity' told 'Variety'

"not many acting teachers
have accomplished

"the extraordinary feat...

- of saving a soldier's life through acting."
- What?

"Barry Berkman was
once a wooden soldier.

- Thanks to Gene Cousineau, he's become a real boy."
- What?

Look, I'm having
dinner with some friends.

You should join us.
This Friday, my house...

and we'll bury that hatchet.
Oh, and I'll be sure to tell

my lawyer to remove
that restraining order.

Semper fi, brother.

Joe Mantegna just
invited you to his house,

- not to brawl with you, but to break bread.
- I have to go.

You understand what this means?

This is the
industry-wide amnesia

- we've been hoping for for so long!
- Tom.

I have to go.

Why? Why is it you
have to leave LA?

If I tell you this,

it could get you killed.

Not this bullshit again.

I've explained this
to you. It's racist.

Just because Tony Danza happens
to be an Italian, doesn't mean

- he's hooked up with the mob.
- This is way worse than Tony Danza.

My life is in danger.

The best thing for you is to
stay the hell away from me.

(cart rattling)


Fuches: I want to be
a law-and-order guy

as much as the next one. I do.

But, when something
stinks, it stinks. Am I wrong?

It's always been very confusing.

The police said that

Ryan was murdered
by Chechen gangsters.

Fuches: And did that
make sense to you then?

(laughs) No.

My investigation says

one of his classmates,
Berkman. Barry Berkman...

He pinned it on
them. Maybe he...

he was an associate at
one point. He betrayed them.

I don't know. I do know...

he sullied your son's good name.

Your son wanted
to be an actor, right?

Well, this fella's in LA right
now, working as an actor.

He took your son's life.

And now, he's living
your son's dream.

♪ ♪

That's his address.

That's where he lives.

(both sigh)

(ominous music playing)

(wind blowing)

(recorded voice
speaking foreign language)

(recording repeats)

(recording repeats)

(shuts off engine)

Sally (on phone): I
didn't write, direct,

produce, and star in
"Joplin" for the glory.

I do this show for a little girl

who came from Joplin, Missouri.

- Oh, who's the little girl?
- Sally: Me! Jesus, she's me.

- Go inside.
- Sally: What, so you'll just meet us there then?

Yeah. Well, we're
about to roll, so I gotta...

- Sally: Okay. Well...
- Barry: Well?

Sally: You'll make the
screening, though, right?

- Barry: Yeah.
- Sally: Okay.

Okay, love you, Boo Bear.
Wish me luck! (laughs)

- The limo's here! Where's Barry?
- (squeals)

- Oh, his shoot's running late.
- Aw.

- How do I look?
- Beautiful.

- I don't look stressed out?
- No, no, no. You look beautiful.

Can you even imagine
back in Cousineau's class

when we were
doing mirror exercises

that we would be getting
in a limo on our way

- to your own show's premiere?
- Oh, I'll see you there, okay?

- Thank you!
- What? Mm-hm.

- (bomb clicking, whirring)
- (recording repeats)

(recording repeats)

(recording repeats)

- (recording repeats)
- (muffled chatter)

- (recording repeats)
- (muffled laughter)

(recording repeats)

(recording repeats)

(recording repeats)

(bomb beeping)

(recording repeats)

(high-pitched whine)

(new recorded message plays)

- What the...?
- (new recording repeats)

(rapid beeping)

- (new recording repeats)
- (bomb beeping, whirring)

(tense music playing)


(music swells)


(continues tapping)

Barry: Shit.

(suspenseful music playing)

(door handle opens)

(muffled press chatter)

(rousing music playing)

(shutters snapping)

(reporter chatter fades in)

Reporter 1: So, rumor has it
you're not actually from Joplin.

- What, true? False?
- No, I'm from Joplin! (laughs)

It says it on the poster!

- Wow, we have IndieWire!
- Okay, Sally, you look amazing!

- Great. Oh, thank you so much.
- How are you feeling tonight?

Um, you know, they say not to
eat before these things, and now

I really wish I ate something
'cause I'm kind of hungry,

but there'll be food later.

I feel good. I feel excited.

Reporter 2: You look
good. Who are you wearing?

- Um, I think it's... Oh my god.
- Shoshanna!

Who am I wearing? Oh,
Shoshanna. It's Shoshanna.

(muffled chatter, cheering)

You're so pretty.

Reporter 3: You do not look old
enough to have an abused daughter.

Sally: Oh, thank
you for saying that!

Reporter 4: What is your secret?

Um, well, I wash my face,
and I try to get 9 hours.

- (shutters snapping)
- (reporters chattering)

♪ ♪

Let's get you inside.

(easy listening music playing)

Fay (on phone): Hello. This is
Fay. How can I help you today?

Uh, yeah. My app isn't, uh,
syncing with the Bluetooth

on the device I'm
trying to detonate.

Fay: Sure. Okay. I
can help you with that.

What's your username?


Capital B, capital G, capital B.

Fay: Okay, thank you.
Give me one second

while I pull up your account.

Okay. I found you.

First, let's make sure you have
the latest version of Detonate

- installed on your phone.
- I do.

Fay: Okay. Is the Bluetooth on?

- Yes.
- Fay: Huh. Okay.

- I'm going to put you on a quick hold.
- (sighs)

(easy listening music)

Fernando: Hey, hey,
hey. There he is. (laughs)

- How was Pilates?
- Good.

Are we still leaving tomorrow?

Well, there are some
things that have come up

that I need to discuss with you.

- Okay.
- I have to admit,

I didn't come to LA

only to run the
Chechen operation.

I came because I had a feeling

that you've been
disloyal to my daughter.


Elena means the world to me.

Fernando: Uh-huh.

(faint clicking, whirring)

I had you followed
to your little love nest.

What are you saying? I
don't know what you're saying.

"It's done. Glad
you're out of there.

"Are your men suspicious?

"No. I actually think
they are having fun.

"Need to see you.

"Meet at the place, one hour.

"Make it two. The
guys want to go

"to Buffalo Wild
Wings and try...

all the sauces."

-(music continues) -Recorded
Voice: Ever wanted to kaboom?

Join us in our Virtual
Kaboom Room.

Fay: Hi. Thanks
for waiting. I'm back.

I think I know
what the problem is.

You always wanted to be
head of the family one day.

Elena thought you had
potential. I wasn't so sure.

So, I gave you the easy
work, like running LA,

which is the same as
running Disneyland.

And yet, you still fuck it up.

Why? Because you have

no mental toughness.

So, let's do a test.

I'm gonna give you two choices.

We'll see how you do.

- Fay: Is your Wi-Fi on?
- Is my Wi-Fi on...

Yes, it is.

Fay: Okay, try turning
it off, see if that helps.

Turn the Wi-Fi off?


I kill you and make
my daughter a widow.

Or two.

You take me to your
lover, NoHo Hank,

and you shoot him in the head.


you're going to have to kill me.



must be true love.

(speaking Spanish)

(whistles) Mátalo. Hey!

Turning Wi-Fi off...

(explosion, debris clattering)

(car alarms blaring)

Fay: Alright. Sounds
like we were successful.

Is there anything else I
can help you with today?

Barry: Shit...

(engine rumbling)

(brakes squeal)

(flames crackling)

(dogs barking, car
alarms continue)

(crackling continues)

Ah! Reviews are out!
The en fuego's been lifted!

The embargo's been
lifted. Let me see that.

- I don't wanna hear it. Critics don't matter.
- Sally...

This is from the "New
York Times." (gasps)

"A show by women
about women for women.

"'Joplin' refreshingly
avoids the pitfalls

"of the female-driven
dramedy by delivering

- a warts-and-all depiction of self-love."
- Sally...

If critics could do what
I do, they'd be doing it.

- Okay, but Sally, your show has a 98 on Rotten Tomatoes.
- (applause)

And "Pam!" only has 27!

Katie (on mic): I'm constantly
in awe of her work ethic,

her empathy, and
her brutal honesty,

especially with herself. Um,

I'm new to the business,
but I feel incredibly lucky

to have not only
such a great part,

but a really great mentor. So,

here she is, the creator
and star of "Joplin,"

- Sally Reed.
- (applause)


Thank you, Katie. Working
with you has truly been

one of the most rewarding
experiences of my career.

You make me want
to be a better actor.


Wow. (inhales, clears throat)

Okay. Good evening. (sighs)

I-I didn't write, direct,

produce, and star in
"Joplin" for the glory.

I-I do this show
for a little girl

who came from Joplin...


Missouri, and, um, ahem,

she so badly needed
to hear this story,

to know that she wasn't alone.

Um, and, um...

uh, if-if...

if there is another
little girl out there today

who also needs to hear it,
then I have done my job as a...

um... uh... uh...

Uh, I'm sorry. Um...

Someone just told me that

we got a 98 on Rotten Tomatoes,

and it really only
just hit me now.

(applause, cheering)

I, um, I...

you know, if you
believe your best review,

you've gotta believe your worst.

So, after I got
called "unforgivable"

in the "Pasadena Star,"

I vowed never to read
another review, but 98?



(applause continues)


(cheering, applause die down)








(shuddering breaths)




(gasping laughter)


(gasping) Um,

I just...

I just want to thank... (sniffs)

(breathlessly): all
the incredible people

in my life who got
me here. (sobs)

Um, my, my, my, my, um...

my teacher! Um, and mentor,

um, Mr. Gene M. Cousineau,

who, he taught me to
be fearless, and, um,

my incredible
agent, um, Lindsay!

Um, she-she has
been just a true...

You've been a true fierce
advocate of my work.

And, um, uh, to
my-my boyfriend, Barry.

- Thank you for being an amazing boyfriend.
- (applause)

You support and sustain me,

and I couldn't do
this without you,

and I love you so much.
I love you so much.

(sniffles) Um, who else?

God! Oh my god, I
almost forgot to thank God.

- Thank you so much.
- (orchestral music playing)

And, um... Oh my god,
they're playing me off!

I-I didn't think they
did that at premieres!

(insects chirping)


He was in Fernando's house
when the bomb went off.

- But he-he's alright.
- Oh my god. Oh my god!

(gasps) Oh, baby. Oh my god.

Oh god... Shh...

I got you. Come on. Come on.

♪ ♪

Barry, thank you.
Thank you so much.

Come here. Come on. I got you.

(tender music playing)

♪ ♪

(muffled applause, cheering)

(Sally panting)





- You killed that.
- You killed that. We killed that!

(laughs) We killed it! (gasps)

Oh my god, I need a drink.
Where is the bar in this place?

Oh, that was amazing! Oh my god!

This woman was crying
so hard, I couldn't believe it.

- She had to take out a pack of tissues, and her boyfriend...
- He's, um...

I mean, I didn't expect that!
I knew people would like it,

-but, I mean, come on... -Sally,
you're dating a violent guy.

- What?
- Um...

I'm sorry. Um...

(sighs) Um, B-Barry
is a violent guy, and...

and the way he... he spoke
to you the other day was, like,

awful. It was really scary.

- He was in a mood.
- I just, um...

That was just really bad.
That was really bad. And...

-(crowd chatter) -I
don't know. I just...


You're just a really
amazing person,


I don't wanna see
you get hurt, so...

Oh my god, look, look.

- Excuse me, I don't mean to bother you. You were wonderful.
- Hi... Such good work.


I packed the car.
We gotta get going.

Leo: Yeah, Dad,
just give us a second.

We got to get Gordon's shoes on.


Don't hurt them.

I'm sorry I took you hostage.

And to make up for it...

I took a job. That
money's Leo's.

- Where did you get it?
- Don't worry about it. It's yours. Take it.

And after today,

you never have to see me again.

So, my family is safe?

- Thanks for everything, Mr. Cousineau.
- Leo: Dad!

Where'd you get that?

♪ ♪


we're going to, uh...

stay right here in Los Angeles.

- It was kind of crazy.
- It was crazy. I didn't know...

(indistinct chatter)

Oh, yeah. Okay.

- I'll call you later. I'll call you.
- You were great.

- Thank you.
- Yeah.


I missed it.

- Yeah, you did.
- Fuck. I'm sorry.

- You look great. How did it go?
- Thanks.


It was...

the greatest night of my life.

- That's great.
- Mm.

Barry: Hey, I'm sorry.

Barry, we're done.

What, because I
missed the premiere?

The way you yelled at me

the other day at the office,

I... (scoffs)

it sent me to a place I
never want to go again.

This relationship
isn't good for me.

Wait, are you serious?
I had a bad day.

What, I can't have a bad day?

Sally: I'm gonna
stay at Natalie's,

- so I need you to go to the apartment...
- No. No.

- And pack up your stuff and move out.
- No. No, no, no. No. Hey.

S-Sally! Sally!

♪ ♪

I can't believe
we're doing this.

Kyle: I know.

But, you know,
it's like the guy said.

The cops aren't
doing anything, Mom.

It's just...

I don't-I don't see
any other way.

I just never thought
I was this kind of person.

Th-this will bring us peace.

Do you promise?

- I promise, Mom.
- (sighs)


I-I can do this alone, okay?



It's gotta be both of us.

Yeah, I think we'll
take the Glock.


("Foot on Necks"
by Sault playing)

♪ ♪

♪ You don't feel what we feel ♪

♪ And it's evident
that you shoot to kill ♪

♪ 'Cause you know
you'll get away with it ♪

♪ Where's your soul, old man? ♪

♪ How does your wife
even sleep with this ♪

♪ Burden on her mind? ♪

♪ Knowing you will
never make it to ♪

♪ Heaven, perfect life ♪

♪ You're the rules
that's how it's always been ♪

♪ Never black and white ♪

♪ We have green money, money ♪

♪ That's what you
tell your kids ♪

♪ Before you start
another day of sin ♪

♪ 'Cause you know
you'll get away with it ♪

♪ 'Cause you know you'll
get away with it ♪

♪ Karma's coming,
to come for you ♪

♪ It's only time
before the burning starts ♪

♪ Burning you, trigger man ♪

♪ Ha ha ha,
we don't care about ♪

♪ What you think, bitch boy ♪

♪ 'Cause it's the life
your daddy gave to you ♪

♪ Can't put down
your big toys... ♪