Baroness Von Sketch Show (2016–…): Season 3, Episode 7 - Summer of '65 - full transcript

That's really red lipstick, eh?

Like it makes your eyes kinda look all

swollen and stuff.

You need to pay with gold bars here?

Holy moly.

There's barely any choice here.

Can I just have a burger or something?

Help you with anything are
you ready to, uh, to order?

Ugh, everything in this
place is so expensive.

How is anybody supposed
to have a decent meal?

- Am I right?
- Yeah.



Like why don't I just
give you my wallet,

give you the money from my wallet

while I decide what artisanal cracker

or plate of kale I'm
supposed to order, um...

Uh, we're having trouble deciding, uh,

do you have any suggestions?

Uh, yeah, maybe it's like,

taking a little bit of space,

getting out and seeing other people,

you know, realizing that
you're capable of... of better?

Oh, you know what?

I can't do those things,
I have father issues.

Coconut calamari?

The two things I'm
allergic to, great. Mm.



("DANCING UNDERWATER" BY BRAVE SHORES)

♪ Me and my friends
will spike the punch, ♪

♪ Rolling in the party
we'll start the fun ♪

♪ Get fancy ♪

♪ Hey Hey ♪

♪ There's no clouds
its just the sun ♪

♪ Living in times that
are meant for fun, yeah ♪

♪ Hold your breath a little longer ♪

♪ Let's go dancing underwater ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh oh ♪

(DRAMATIC INSTRUMENTAL)

DETECTIVE: Look, we've been
going at her for hours, okay?

She's not gonna break.

CHIEF: Huh. Yeah, yeah,

but she's been trading
secrets with the Russians,

and we need to get the
name of her contacts.

It's not changing.

You know what, um...

Send in Gomez and Crawford.

No, no, not Gomez and Crawford.

They're brutal.

Hey, look, I don't like their methods

any more than you do.

Okay, Steve?

But we gotta get those names.

Send them in.

Chief, I just think
you should reconsider...

I SAID SEND THEM IN!

Okay.

Crawford, Gomez, you're up!

It's like I'm obsessed with you.

(LAUGHS)

I... I don't know,

like I just love like
her blouse and all that.

Like, everything she
was wearing I was like,

"I need that right away."

CRAWFORD: Right.

I don't know.

I found Fashion Week
this year such a bore.

Oh my god, you're so right.

Listen, next time you're
there, if it's terrible,

why don't you just give me
call and come up to the house

because Clinton is dying to see you.

Oooh.

I'm not telling you shit.

What?

Just... (CLEARING THROAT)

I'm not telling you shit.

Um, no one asked you to.

Anyway.

That's fine.

Oh ladies, that is so fine

'cause I'm gonna tell you
a little something about me.

This right here, La Bouche,

you know what that is?

Steel trap.

No one cares, dude.

(LAUGHING)

CRAWFORD: I have to tell
you the funniest thing.

PRISONER: Oh my god, that's
so funny, I know that one.

No, no, no, no, I know that one,

that's a good joke, I know it.

I know that, oh yeah that joke?

That's a good one, I know that joke.

Oh my god, I laughed
so hard at that joke.

We could just talk
about that's so funny.

Wait, what are you...

Are you guys saying stuff about me?

What are you saying?

If you've got something to say

you can totally say it to
my face, like I can take it.

You can just say it to my
face, it's fine. I can...

Hey guys? (WHISPERING)

Just so you know,

whispering is rude, okay?

Hey guys!

You guys are like being
real jerks right now.

Oh my god, someone, okay fine!

Fine!

Aleah Polashenka, okay, she's in Moscow.

There ya go.

Whoa whoa whoa, you have it, it's out,

we're friends now.

We're on the same page,
fine, you got it, right?

How are you?

Like what are you guys doing later?

Um, do you wanna go outside

because it's getting a
little crowded in here.

I got more, do you guys
want more? I got more.

I have, um...

Dmitri Vensika, huge massive.

You'll be, they'll
love that you know that.

He's in Moscow too.

I'm a good, we can, I'm a good...

(SINGING) Look I can
dance for you, and I...

CHIEF: Ladies, we did it!

Like, nice work.

Guys, you guys, we did it.

You did it, it was mostly you.

We didn't do it.

You guys did it, that's great, um...

Anyway, you know what?

Wanna go for a drink?

Congratulations drink?

You know what I, my treat.

I will...

It's my treat.

Just, oh hey Steve, hey.

Hey, I'm gonna go grab a
drink with Crawford and Gomez.

They just sent me a text, so.

CHIEF: Oh, I thought maybe
like all of us could go?

Okay.

I'll go for a drink with you.

You guys?

Guys?

- (BACKGROUND CHATTER)
- (DANCE MUSIC)

That's how it happens.

But it is how it happens, you know?

So that would be funny.

Imagine the difference...

Oh, oh my god Ashley!

I didn't know you were here.

Oh yeah, yeah I know Kelly from work.

Oh, wow, fantastic fantastic.

So who is this?

- Hi, Doug, nice to meet you.
- Hello Doug.

Nice to meet you, mmm.

I'm just gonna hit the bar.

- Okay.
- For sure, for sure.

Oh my god, he is super cute.

Yeah, yeah.

Okay, tell me everything.
Are you dating?

Ah well, uh no.

We wouldn't really use
the, the term dating.

KELLY: Oh, right, right,
right, right, right, right.

But you're seeing each other.

Oh, I mean, we see each other for sure

but are we like, seeing each other?

Uh, you know, I wouldn't use that.

But you're a thing?

Well a thing, what's a thing?

You know, it sounds like a blah,

like this unsexy, just blah, a noun.

- Are you a noun? No.
- Okay, okay, okay, well you're,

no, you're like together,
you're hanging out.

You're...

We wouldn't use the phrase hanging out.

It's a sense of puerile.

What phrase would you use?

I don't know, um...

Don't you? Come on, tell me, tell me.

I need to know.

I want you to define this for me.

- Lay it on me, come on.
- I just...

Holding hands, have
you seen his underwear?

- Okay, I just met him!
- Oh.

Okay, he's married and he's gay

and I honestly think he
was just trying to find

an excuse to leave.

Oh.

So you're alone.

Well I don't know if
I would say I'm alone.

I mean, you know, like
what is alone, right?

Am I... am I seeing someone? No.

But am I alone?

I mean that's a larger
existential question then.

Get the fuck out of here.

(CAMERA CLICKING)

Fran, hello?

Can I try on these two items?

- Change room four.
- (METAL CLINKING)

Thank you.

I'll get it.

This is huge.

- Hello?
- (KOOKY INSTRUMENTAL)

Fran.

Can I have a different size?

Anyone?

(KOOKY INSTRUMENTAL)

What?

Hello?

Ugh.

(STUTTERING)

I'll just get it myself.

Here it is.

Oh, this is the same!

(KOOKY INSTRUMENTAL)

(PLASTIC SQUISHING)

Not right.

(KOOKY INSTRUMENTAL)

Grrr!

Fran!

(COOL ROCK INSTRUMENTAL)

♪

(WOMAN MUMBLING AND GIGGLING)

Maggie?

Eihi!

Okay, uh Greg, hello.

Is this your, um...

is it your uh...

- Girlfriend.
- It's your girlfriend.

- Your new girlfriend.
- Yeah.

Hello, um...

Hmm, mmm, no thanks.

MAGGIE: It's lovely to meet you.

Just how are your parents?

They both still don't
forgive you for what you did.

MAGGIE: Great. Well tell them I say hi.

Yeah.

You still making those burgers?

He makes a mean burger.

We're vegan now.

I'm just gonna try these panties on.

Lovely to see you both.

I never knew she existed.

You've never mentioned this person.

- Yeah I blocked her out.
- Oh, okay.

(WHISTLE BLOWING)

All aboard!

MAN: That's me, darling.

I will miss you dearly.

MAN: I fear nothing,

for I know you will be
at home waiting for me,

ever devoted no matter how many years.

Um, I'm sorry, did you say years?

I thought this whole thing was supposed

to be wrapped up by Christmas?

Well yes, it may drag on three or
four more Christmases, maybe more.

More? Okay, so like I'm 21 now,

that would make me 25.

I mean, life expectancy
for a woman these days

is only like, 38 barring farm accidents.

But I will fight as long as it takes

knowing you're at home waiting for me,

tatting a doily, ever chaste.

Okay, okay, um,

really appreciated the fighting,

thank you very much

and you know me, I live to tat.

It's just, is there a
thing as the ever chaste?

MAN: Oh yeah, fear not,

I'll be true to you while I'm
fighting the good fight in France.

Okay, listen, um babe,

uh, just go with me
on this one, all right?

You know how we have, uh, to this point,

done mostly like over
the petticoat stuff?

Your handholding game is strong.

- It's strong, loving it.
- Thank you, thank you.

I'm just saying,

I have heard that these French women,

they know things.

No French trollop will come
between me and my true love.

Totally appreciate that.

You got a free pass,

if you meet a French
trollop whose interested

in teaching you some
under the petticoat.

Darling, you must banish
these foolish thoughts.

No lips but mine will
touch yours until I return.

- No lips?
- None.

No.

What about down there?

No.

You know what, maybe it's time
that we opened this up a bit.

And if I die a glorious
death and not return,

I'll rest in peace knowing
you'll remain virginal

- and pure until you die.
- Oh, uh,

MAN: Probably in a farm accident.

Mm.

And we'll be reunited in heaven.

Intense.

TRAIN CONDUCTOR: Final call, all aboard!

Oh.

Goodbye, my forever chaste lovekins.

Oh, just...

Oh, missed a bit.

- Okay.
- Oh, uh, all right.

That's how you do me?

MAN: Yeah, bye.

Bye, have a great war.

A total blue bean here!

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

Hey, Cheryl.

What's up, girl?

Um, I'm just on Facebook
and I read your status.

Yeah?

CO-WORKER: And it says,

"Why is it so hard for my co-workers

to put their dirty
dishes in the dishwasher

instead of leaving
them in the sink? WTF."

Hah, yeah.

I can't help but think
that this is about me.

Ah, wha?

You just wrote it like, a minute ago

and a minute before that
we were in the kitchen.

I did put a dish in
the sink and you saw me.

Yeah. Trust me, girl, not about you.

Okay.

CHERYL: Anyway, did I mention
that I love your cardigan?

Oh, uh.

Honestly, red is your colour, lady Lou.

Thank you, it's... it's actually a blazer.

Ah, super nice.

Really like it.

(KEYBOARD CLACKING)

Now your status reads,
"My co-worker confronted me

out of nowhere. It's not all about you."

Huh, right.

- Is it about me?
- No.

No, it is not about you.

I love the cardigan though, honestly.

- Blazer.
- Did you say buzzer?

Blazer.

My blazer aside, you
were just writing this.

- We just finished speaking.
- Uh huh.

- Where I was confronting you.
- Uh huh.

And then you typed
this and pressed Enter

and then I looked and
this is what it said.

I know it can feel that
way sometimes on Facebook.

A lot of people are
writing stuff and whatever

but you are my bestie.

Do not worry, you do you, me do me.

We do we,

all good.

- Okay.
- Okay.

Love the cardigan though.

Blazer, thank you.

Sure.

(KEYBOARD CLACKING)

You just typed this.

I can't believe my co-worker's
still nagging me about this, chill.

- No I didn't.
- Yes you did.

- No I didn't.
- What were you doing then?

How 'bout everyone just like
gets on Facebook for a bit

- and just does their work?
- Oh, really, 'cause now your status says,

"My co-worker's cardigan
that she says is a blazer

looks like a bag of red ass."

Stop fucking writing about me!

- Okay.
- Okay?

Yeah, no more.

No more typing.

- Cheryl, we just said...
- I promise I won't type any...

- You just promised.
- I'm not gonna do anything.

CO-WORKER: Stop it!

Stop it!

- Stop it!
- Hey!

Stop writing about me on Facebook!

If you have something to say to me...

What, you want me to
say it to your face?

No!

Just leave a passive aggressive note

above the microwave like everybody else!

Great blazer.

CO-WORKER: Thank you!

Thank you.

CHERYL: It's my keyboard.

I need that for later.

I still have it on my phone though, so.

SENATOR: Listen.

I have said it before
and I will say it again.

Marriage is between a man and a woman.

Not a woman and a woman,

not a man and a man.

Ugh, that is so gross,

I cannot even say that out loud.

KEVIN: Keep going, sir.

Remember, stay on point.

Homosexuals should be reformed.

We cannot fall prey to their gay agenda.

Their "gaygenda", is that good?

"Gaygenda", is that clever?

I think so sir, it's pretty great.

- "Gaygenda".
- "Gaygenda".

(KNOCKING)

CAROLE: Mr. Senator, we have two members

of the LGBTQ Community Outreach Program

- here to see you.
- Ugh, I thought we cancelled that.

- No sir, we've had it booked for...
- Fine.

CAROLE: I just, I'm sorry sir.

Bring them in, Carole.

I'm sorry, sir.

This way please.

You can have five
minutes with the Senator.

Thank you.

You can save your gay breath.

I will not be reversing my
position on the "gaygenda".

CAROLE: He would never do that.

No, it's an interesting word.

You do not have to worry, Senator.

We are here to support you.

We're on your side, Ted.

SENATOR: What?

Why?

Being a violent homophobe
is often the first step

in a repressed man's
realization that he's gay,

so here is a pamphlet.

CAROLE: They brought pamphlets, sir.

I see that, Carole.

Okay.

_

Oh well.

PLAID SHIRT MAN: Horsey sauce.

Why would I be trying to make gay
marriage illegal if I were gay?

Well maybe you're worried
it would be too easy

for you to get gay married
if it were legal, you know?

- I mean, another excellent...
- Shut up, Carole.

Point, sir.

Look, we understand why you
need this law, Mr. Senator.

Otherwise you'd be off
in a drunken weekend

in Las Vegas with Kevin over there

- getting gay married accidentally.
- KEVIN: Hey!

We don't talk about that trip!

Shh!

(WHISPERING) Stop it.

- That trip meant the world to me.
- It did?

I never knew.

I meant every word
that I said that night.

So did I sir, so did I.

Caesar's Palace.

Celine.

We went deep, Kevin.

Very deep, sir.

Mr. Senator, I'm just
gonna leave these pamphlets.

Thank you Carole, goodbye, Carole.

Apologies?

Say gaygenda, sir.

- Gaygenda.
- Gaygenda.

Gaygenda.

CAROLE: Sir, your wife wants to
know what you want for supper.

- Sausage!
- Sausage.

Did you want me to keep
you wife in the lobby, or?

No, we're done.

- Can you grab me a diet coke?
- Yes sir.

Sorry we're late, this is Donna,

she's my co-worker,

she's gonna join us today.

Thanks for having me.

Hope you know your shit, Donna.

Because we're gonna win the
Kelsey's gift card tonight.

This table, bitches.

Put your fingers on the
table if you wanna win.

- Wanna win.
- I've never done a trivia night before

but I'm really gonna try my best.

SHARON: Oh you never done
a trivia night before?

Heather, she's never done
a trivia night before!

HEATHER: She's super smart, I promise.

I'm gonna try really hard.

EMCEE: You guys ready for trivia night?

(CHEERING)

Yeah.

EMCEE: Listen up, I will not
be repeating the question.

I repeat, I will not be
repeating the question.

You just repeated that
you're not gonna repeat, dude.

Please, for the love of god, just listen.

Mmkay.

EMCEE: First question.

What was the title of the hit single

from Canadian rock star
Bryan Adams album Reckless

that dealt with the
nostalgia of a bygone era?

- Summer of 6...
- I've got it, I've got it.

I've got it, I've got it,
I've got it, I've got it.

- Summer of '65.
- Oh.

Summer of '65.

Yeah that sounds right, okay.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, write it down,

- write it down.
- That sounds right, yeah okay.

- Summer of '65.
- Sorry, um, is it Sharon?

I'm pretty sure it's actually
it's '69, summer of '69.

Yeah no, it's like, definitely '65.

I literally love that song.

It's '65, write it down,

lock it down, just put it in there.

It's '69. It's no big deal but it's '69.

No, it's definitely '65, okay?

I've been here at this table
a little longer than you have,

how does it go again?

♪ I buy my first real five string ♪

Six.

♪ Bought it at the five and Dave ♪

I don't know what you said.

♪ Played it till my fingers go red ♪

Until they bled.

♪ It was the summer of '65 ♪

Yes, there it is, there it is.

♪ And then on my mother's couch ♪

♪ I knew that she was
dressed in leather ♪

- ♪ Like a vampire in the night ♪
- What?

♪ I knew that I would
suck your sweater ♪

That's not how it goes.

♪ Ooh, this was the
best day of my life ♪

Are you guys buying into this, really?

It's '69, it's really, it's '69.

Honestly Donna, you gotta
trust me on this one, girl.

I literally one hundy percent know

that it's Summer of '65.

Write it down, Denise.

Okay.

It's '69.

Honestly, I was born in '65...

Honestly Sharon, I know I just met you.

- It's Summer of '69.
- I know what a 65 is.

- Do you know what it is?
- I know what it is!

Do you know what it is? It's a 69!

You know what a 69 is really?

It's like reverse sex with
someone's junk all in your face

and your face is all in their junk

and you're just going for it. It's like...

(FAKE MOANING)

DONNA: It's multitasking sex.

It's efficient!

It'll be wet but you'll
cum really nice...

- My boyfriend and I call it 65.
- No you don't.

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

TGIF.

Oh tell me about it.

Yeah, you got any weekend plans?

Oh yeah, for sure sure.

I have big, uh, plans
to cancel my sister.

Tonight we're supposed
to go to this like,

annoying museum gala.

And then my boyfriend
and I are planning on

cancelling with his mom
for dinner on Sunday night.

Nice!

What about you?

Oh, I'm supposed to go and
see a play with some friends

but I'm planning on getting
cramps at the last minute.

- Oh, good idea.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh hey, are you going to
Tina's party on Saturday?

- Oh god, not a chance.
- Yeah, me either.

Already feeling a migraine coming on.

Okay, I will not see you there then.

Yeah right.

Weekend, woo!

Woohoo!

Not for this guy really, but...

- No.
- No.

Thanks.

Excuse me, you don't mind, do you?

Not at all.

I'm here with my family and
we just have an odd number.

Oh, yeah no, same with
mine, they're up ahead.

- Okay.
- Sit yourself down, enjoy.

Um, these family outings.

You know, they can
be a little bit boring

but the kids, you know, they really...

They love it!

They love it, it's good for them.

It's fun, you know.

And at least we get a
break from being moms.

- Oh yeah.
- For like 10 minutes.

I snuck on my own little coffee

- so I can enjoy it in peace.
- Look at you.

Look at you, here's to, here's to...

- Peaceful moments, yeah.
- It's so nice.

I have to say though,

the kids love this but
it's a little bit cheesy.

Oh yeah.

But I think any rational person
wouldn't really believe...

(SCREAMING)

Oh sweet Jesus Christ!

Oh!

Look at me, look at me, look at me.

- What's your name?
- Diana!

My name is goddamn Diana!

Diana, I'm Marilyn.

Marilyn, Marilyn, Marilyn, what is ha...

(SCREAMING)

Look at me!

Diana, I'm Marilyn.

You're fine, you, we're on a ride.

Am I fine?

- You're fine.
- I'm on a... AH! A witch.

It's a real witch!

It's not a witch.

DIANA: That's a real
witch, it's gonna get you!

- It's not a witch.
- It's gonna haunt us!

It's fiberglass and shitty paint.

Okay, Diana, it's not real.

- This is a ride.
- Okay.

Remember you were just
saying, this is a ride.

- This ride is not real.
- In a minute we're gonna get off.

This is just a warehouse
with a track in it.

- You're okay.
- I'm okay.

- MARILYN: You're okay.
- Everything's gonna be okay.

(SCREAMING)

DIANA: Jesus Chriiiiiiissstttt!

Oh my god.

Oh my god, what is that smell?

Oh, it's shit, I shit my pants!

I really did,

I shit in my pants, Marilyn.

Oh my god, what were you eating?

DIANA: Mashed potatoes.

- Oh my god, I shit them.
- Oh god, it smells like something died!

DIANA: I had soup as well.

Oh god, I can taste it.

DIANA: This isn't a joke!

MARILYN: I know!

What are we gonna do?

MARILYN: Take your sweater off.

- I'm only wearing a shirt!
- Wrap it around your waist!

Oh my god, I'm so sorry.

Okay, you're gonna have to get
yourself back to that bathroom

and wipe yourself off.

I am too scared Marilyn,
I am not going back there!

MARILYN: Get away from me.

You just need to go
and clean yourself up

- and figure it out!
- No!

- MARILYN: Yes!
- I don't want to!

- I am not your mother!
- Oh my god!

Get out! Get off!

Ah, no, ugh!

DIANA: Help, anyone.

You just try to take
two minutes to yourself.

DIANA: Hi janitor, I'm so sorry,

- I shit my pants.
- Ew.