Baroness Von Sketch Show (2016–…): Season 3, Episode 6 - Episode #3.6 - full transcript

Oh my god oh my god, has
it started? Am I late?

No no no no no, you're just in time.

You're just in time. Okay,
so, when we last left it...

James found the
incriminating cellphone bill.

- Yes.
- But then Hillary

confronted him with his
affair with her twin.

I cannot get enough
of this relationship.

Okay, here we go.


You're spouting bullshit
all over the place.

It's a room full of
bullshit right now, Hillary.

I want a divorce!

Oh, plot twist.

Oh, god I love it when they drink.

- We have the best neighbours.
- Mhm.

It was hilarious.

- Hey darling.
- Hi.

We're going to go for some after
work drinks, do you want to join?


- No.
- Oh.

- Huh?
- No, I don't.

I don't, I don't want to.

And I don't know why,
why would I do that?

Well just for, I don't
know, just because.

- Just because.
- Because why? Because why?

- Huh.
- Hm.

That is a good question actually.

I know, like if I actually think
about it, we're not friends.

No, no, we're co-workers
and we spend eight hours

a day together Monday to Friday.

- Yes.
- I have other friends.

- Friends I like a lot more.
- Me, too.

Oh my god, I've got so many friends.

I've got so many friends.

Okay, hold on a second,

you mean that instead of doing this

we could just go home to our houses

right now and be with our families?


- Thank you!
- No problem.

I'm going to see you Monday,
9:00 AM, not a moment before.

Get out.

Okay. I will ignore you
if I see you on the subway.

Not if I ignore you first.


- God, this feels great.
- Don't look at me,

it's after 5:00.

Don't breathe near me,
it's well after 5:00.

God I love those girls.

Hey gals!

- Hello.
- Oh, hi.

I was just thinking,

what would book club be without snacks?


I know, so I made brownies.

- Oh!
- ♪ Give me some brownies. ♪

♪ I want some brownies.
I want some brownies. ♪

Anyway, it'd be lovely
to have some brownies.

The best part is, I made
them out of black beans.

- Yes, I know!
- Wow.

I think I saw that on Pinterest like,

like I know you can do that.

Instead of eggs I used flax seed,

instead of oil I used applesauce,

instead of sugar I used maple syrup,

and instead of maple syrup I used agave.

- Try one. Honestly, try one.
- That's clever.

Hey, everybody!

Sorry I'm late, sorry
I'm late, sorry I'm late.

Also, I did not read the book.

Ah, neither did I.

We were supposed to read a book?

- I did.
- Well, to make up for it,

I brought brownies!

Toot toot!

Those look like they have icing.

- They both look good.
- Are those, uh, black bean brownies?

No, they're just regular brownies.

Oh, what's in them.

Oh um, water and whatever's
in the mix I guess.

You know.

Well, I guess there's lots of choice

- for everyone to choose from.
- There is.

Sara, Chandra, choose a brownie?

Yeah. Here we go.

These are 100% organic.

Oh, yeah.

They're so low on the glycemic index.

Hers are from a box and they're
probably full of sugar...

And chemicals.

- Okay, you know what...
- I'll just try it.

I'm gonna just try these first.

It's my cheat day, so.

Mine are just as good as hers.

- Mm.
- Check it out. Okay.


Oh, mmm.


- Mm.
- That good?

- Mhm.
- Are they good?

These are so full of nutrients.

How are the beans?

Full of fibre.

Mhm, yum, yum, yum.

Yum, yum, yum.

Yeah, you're really proving a point.

This is basically like eating a salad.

You can see that, it
looks like eating a salad.

- Oh, oh god.
- Bad salad, though.


- That's off putting at a party.
- Yeah.

You know, maybe we should leave?

No, I have a babysitter,
this is my one night out.

Also, there's a shit ton
of weed in these brownies.

Oh, weed in the brownies!

Probably shouldn't go anywhere
for at least three hours,

you know what I'm saying?

Right on.

Wanna watch Indiana Jones?

- I do!
- Yes.

Hi, I would like to return this.

Oh you can't return a driver's licence.

- Yeah, still, I'd like to return it.
- Not a thing you can do.

Okay, uh, I don't think you understand.

This is my old licence.

Wow, that's...

You look like Aileen Wuornos with a...

A comb over, yeah, I know.

I know, okay.

So that was my nightmare
for five years, okay?

Two weeks ago,

I came in here to renew my licence.

This morning it came in the
mail and it's even worse.

I don't think it can be worse than that.

I'm sorry.

Ah ha ha!

- Tina?
- Mhm.

Tina, Tina, come here.

Ha, I'm sorry, no, no, I'm sorry.

You gotta understand, this is so good.

I'm sorry, we see these all day.

Okay, so you see the problem.

Uh, no, I'm not sure that we do, no.

When you look at this licence
after you stop laughing,

what is your first reaction?

- Smash it with a rock.
- Yes.

Smash it with a rock.

It's dangerous to me, so.

Well it's just, um,

I... I don't think you can
return a driver's licence.

That's not something
we've ever done, so no.


You know what we can do?

- What's that?
- Take your photo again.

- For...
- $31.

Well, let's do that then!

Okay, great, okay.

Okay, I'm just going to put
on a little lipstick and, um...


- It's $31 please.
- No, but I wasn't looking.

- That's, um...
- Sorry.

That's sixty...

- Two.
- $62.

Okay, hold on, just give me a second.

- Oh, $93.
- Come on, ladies.

I'm not a millennial, I
don't know angles, I mean...

- Oh.
- Seven, three.

That's where that face came from.

Oh, look at it.

Hi, Aileen.


- Five.
- Five.

Okay, that one I wasn't even looking.

I'm pretty sure that's not legal.

- $166.
- $166.

That's the number of the beast.

Was it, really?

Where have you been?

I am sorry I'm late, I
couldn't find the right shirt.

- So.
- Hm.

Okay, we have 20 minutes left.

Let's go join the queue,
okay, before visitation ends.

Yeah, I understand,

- but I just see that you're a bit nervous.
- I'm a bit amped up.

You can get a bit awkward
in situations like this,

so I just want us to come up with a plan

- before we talk to the family.
- Oh, I'm sorry, there will be no plan.

There is no plan. Our
friend's father just died,

so we, let's just say something
that actually means something.

You know what's best
in situations like this?

- What?
- Sorry for your loss.

Oh, hi, does it look
like I just stepped out

of a greeting card? I don't think so.

You look like you stepped
out of a vampire movie.

- Well, thank you.
- Okay.

- Thank you.
- All right.

Here we go.

It's okay, just a deep breath.

Follow her lead, okay?

My condolences to you and your family.

I'm sorry, that is so boring.

It's just what you say.

It's hollow and it
doesn't mean anything.

It means best.

Watch how it's done.

- Okay?
- Okay.

Your dad's dead,

that's a fact.

Just say sorry for your loss.

All the world's a stage,

and everyone on it dies.

Do you want ham?

You're all like a starfish,

and when one of the arms gets torn off

and thrown away,

it grows back.

I mean I'm not saying
that your dad's a zombie,

but I'm not saying that he's not one.

Zombies aren't so bad.

They're very popular,
they're very in right now.

Just keep on truckin'.


Dad died in a car accident, right?

I'm bleeding for you, metaphorically.

Although in a couple days I
probably just will be bleeding,

like from nature.

That's just too private, okay?

Never too late to cremate.

My dad died in a fire.

What, from the truck crash and then...

It exploded.

- I am not ready for...
- Whammo.

- What? Whoa...
- There you go.

I bet you're not thinking
about you dad right now.


You can skip me.

'Cause you're married in,

so this doesn't hurt
you as much probably.

It's pretty sad.

- You know what?
- Okay.

- You're welcome.
- Come on, Janet Jackson.

I didn't... I didn't ask for that.

She gets a bit nervous.

What she means is, I'm... I'm...

she's sorry for your loss.

Dale's mom's dead, that's a downside.

Upside, her father's French

and he doesn't mind going downstairs.

- What?
- Please don't fix my father up.

I just, I heard sex
gets way better with age.

Not with my father.

She just gets a bit nervous.

Oh no, no, no, no.

- No, no, no.
- Get away! Get away!

I have one more thing
in me tonight, ready?

This one's called half price casket.

It's five, six, seven, eight, Dale.

Paula said her mom is going
to be a little bit late.

- ♪ Half price casket ♪
- If you sing along with her,

- it'll end sooner.
- ♪ I got a really good deal ♪

♪ Close the lid before
he starts to peel ♪

Just sing along.

Um, and they gave me a store
credit, which was very nice.

That was nice of them.

You know what I want to say,

those are some great socks.

Oh, thank you.

They're the most
interesting thing about me.

Oh no.

Think about it,

to the kids today the '60s
are like the '20s for us.

Those socks are so cute.

Rachel, Rachel, look.

- What?
- Look at these, look at...

- Look at Hillary's socks.
- Oh my god.

Those are great,

that's like a banana and a blender.

- It's a banana smoothie!
- That's what it is.

- Oh my goodness.
- Oh!

You're so creative, she's so creative.

- Thank you.
- Carl, Carl!

That's so creative,
look how creative she is.

I know, I saw them.

Wow, those are some funky socks.

They are, they're funky.

So funky.

So funky.

You need to take those
socks straight to funky town.

So funky!

So funky.

I love that song.

Oh my god Leslie, you are going all out.

Look at these, these are incredible.

Oh, no big deal.

They're just some
deconstructed tortillas I made.

I'm not even going to touch
them, I just want a little bit...

- Carl, Carl. Pst.
- What?

Get a load of Leslie's socks.

Oh no!

Look at those.

They are just some, um,

tiny roast turkey dinner socks.

Now that is funky!

So funky.

That's funky cold Medina.

- Funky cold Medina!
- I remember that song.

I remember that song.

It's so funky.

Heather's got roast
turkey socks on, too!

No I don't.

Two people with turkey dinner socks?


Oh no, they're...

they're actually,

they're... they're not
turkey dinner socks.


Look at them so great.

Show us your socks.


Show us your socks!

Show us your turkey dinner socks!

They were just an impulse buy.

- Show us!
- Just an impulse buy.

Are they ears or something?

Oh, or shrimp maybe?

- No, no, no.
- Croissants?

No, no.

They're actually,

they're a collection of tiny fetuses.

- Oh.
- Tiny fetuses?

Yes, you can see the hands
in there all curled up there.

- Yeah, I see that now, yeah.
- That's a nose.


That's what I thought.

I love them.

I was thinking about
2001: A Space Odyssey.

- Oh!
- The Star Child.

Oh, yeah. In the beginning.

- Yeah, and also my miscarriage.
- I love this party.

Um, I just filled the Brita.


The Brita,

I filled it.

I, I don't understand.

I was in the kitchen and, uh,

I saw the Brita.

I noticed it was empty and then, uh,

I don't know, it's like the
Brita and me shared a moment.

And then before I knew
it, I was just filling it.

- Babe, this is huge!
- I know.

I know, I saw what needed to be done.

And then I did it.

I am so attracted to you right now.

Hey, what are you doing?

Are you trying to sexually
reward me for doing chores?


Am I?


No, no, you filling the
Brita without being asked

is sexually exciting to me.

I'm turned on right now.

Is that a thing?

I don't know how to respond to that.

- Hey, where are you going?
- I'm going to the kitchen.

I noticed the fridge
needs to be cleaned out.

Oh, that's so hot.

Stop it!

This is not about you.

This is about me
exploring my relationship

with what needs to be done around here.

Holy shit, we have plants.

- These need to be watered.
- Oh my god, oh.

Siri, is chore porn a thing?

There are 12 million
results for chore porn.


Okay, what are they?

Okay, would you like hardcore chore,

chore whore, daddy's duties.

Yes, all of it. Just hang on a second.

Babe? Uh, I'm going
upstairs for a second.

Oh yeah, you wet that counter.

Mmm mmm!

Stop it!

- Have you guys been to one of these before?
- No.

I think it's cool that
they're doing something.

Me, too.

- Like, they're gonna just use it against us.
- What?

Are you gonna say what you think?

Thank you, Michael,

and thank you all for being here today.

First off I just want
to remind everybody

that this listening
circle is a safe space

for all of us to share our feelings.

The company can't fix a
problem they don't know exists.

So I want you to share your truths,

your hopes, your fears,

dare I say your dreams.

Now I'm an executive,
but I'm also one of you.

I don't dye away my greys,

I put on my pantsuit one leg at a time,

just like all of you.

This is Michael, he's
here to keep me honest.

Hi Michael.

So, who wants to start?

Oh, um,

go ahead, Ellen.


I would just like to say,

um, that I don't know
if management really,

I'm not sure that management appreciates

- the work that we do sometimes.
- Yeah.

Thank you for your
bravery and your honesty.

She's fired.

Who's next?

I'd like a little more leeway at work.

There tends to be a lot of
micromanaging at the office.

Your vulnerability is beautiful.

Thank you for being strong enough

to show us all your weakness.

Make sure her contract ends tomorrow.

Great, who's next?

Um, sometimes I go
into the staff washroom

and I... I cry 'cause I'm so frustrated

by constantly being
railroaded in conversa...

Well that's not going
to happen here today.

Michael, get a box for her things.

Thank you.


Anyone else have something
they want to say openly?

- Oh.
- Hey.

Got something to say?

Uh, yeah, I just...
I just want to say that

I've been noticing that
anytime someone says anything

even like remotely negative

or just a truth about their experience,

like their contracts don't get renewed

- or they get fired.
- Security.

I noticed that Karen's box of things

just got packed up and...



Oh my god.

Anyone else?

It's a safe space.

Wheel away faster.

It's a safe space.

We've done some great work here today.

I'm not ashamed of it.

I'm not afraid to say it.

And I'm just gonna come out with it.

Tired of being single?

I'm tired of being single.

And the two of you are very lucky.

You know why you're lucky?

'Cause we're both in relationships?

Because you are both in relationships.

I'm tired and I'm over it.

- You know what, Cece?
- What?

I have an idea.

And ah, yes.

- Okay, this is Jonathan.
- Wow.

He's six feet tall and
not hard to look at.

- Hello, Jonathan.
- Hello, Cece.

♪ Mama like some of that ♪

♪ Ow, Mama like some of that ♪

♪ Ha, ha, wait, no, stop ♪

That's a goddamn escort service.

Okay okay...

No, no, no, Pam.

What, I'm gonna pay for penis now?

Hear me out ladies,

you know how some female escorts,

they provide the girlfriend experience.

They stay overnight with clients,

they go on dates, that kind of thing.

Okay, well, this guy

he provides the boyfriend experience.

Women hire him all the time

to pretend to be their
boyfriend for the night.

- No shame.
- Really?

- That's not a thing.
- It's a thing!

- It isn't.
- It's totally a thing.

- There's no shame?
- Nuhuh.

There's no shame in paying for it?

No, and you're gonna find out

'cause I just booked it for you.

You are going out with Jonathan!

I'm gonna go for...

A boyfriend experience!

Dollars for dicks round.

- Dollars for dicks.
- Dollars for dicks.

I read this fantastic book.

It's called "The Endless
Existential Ache".

Oh, I just read a really great
review of that book last week.

They said it was like
a timeless allegory

for social disintegration.

I wrote the review.

The guy's critique on it was just,

it's really amazing, you
should really read it.

I don't have to 'cause I wrote it.

I wrote the review.

The words that you're
speaking of, I wrote.

I wrote.

You know what else you should read?

Um, I don't know if you're
big into Chinese sci-fi at all.

- Oddly, no.
- But there's this book,

it's a bit heady,

but I think you could
probably handle it.


I just have to get my dress off.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Wait, wait!

Oh, oh oh oh oh.

You came, right?

No I...

don't know how one could.

And I said why an oven mitt?

And he said I'd read about it somewhere.


- Jenny, sorry.
- Oh, Cece.

Hello, I... I just I have to tell you,

the date was amazing.

He was rude to me.

He explained my own writing to me.

He did not go down on me.

He left my dinger high and dry

and he split before dawn.


Yes, thank you for reminding me

that my single life is fantastic.

- You're welcome.
- You are welcome.


Here's to buffin your own muffin!

Buffin your muffin.

- Yeah!
- Yeah.


How's your shitty relationships?


Ah, thank goodness it's the last load.

Yeah, I mean it was a lot of reading

and a lot of heavy lifting,

but I do believe we have
rounded up all the books

to store for all eternity.


Well, preserving the
complete works of Shakespeare

for generations to come,

that's worth a few sleepless nights.

- I'd say.
- Yeah.

I'd say.

I mean, what a genius
this man was, you know?

- What a...
- Genius.

What about, uh...

What about this one?

Taming of the Shrew?

A bit problematic, wouldn't you say?

- With all the misogyny...
- Oh, well, yes.

- You know, and all that?
- Yes, yeah.

But, uh, it is a classic.

- It's a classic.
- What can you do?

What can you do?

What can you do.

I mean, I suppose it could
just not make it into storage.

Wait, how would it not
make it into storage?

Oh, I don't know.

I don't know, maybe...


Well, if that's what we're doing,

then let's get rid of Othello
and Merchant of Venice,

because they are
problematic to say the least.

Okay, well listen, if we're
gonna talk problematic,

- you know what?
- Let's dig in.

I was taking a look over here.

Uh, yeah, here we go.

Heart of Darkness?

- Joseph Conrad?
- Oh, get rid of it.

Yeah, yeah? It's okay, okay.

- Oh, Kipling?
- Uh, racist!

- Uh, Lewis Carroll?
- Pedo.

Pedo, yeah. Oh do we know that for sure?

We don't, ah, you know
what? Let's be safe.

- Just to be on the safe side.
- Okay, gone, gone.

Racist, wife beater,

racist and a wife beater.

We've got homophobe.

Homophobe, Colonialist,
racist, sexist, racist.

All, honestly, I think the whole
19th Century is a write off.

Yeah, and the, uh,

I don't know, the 20th century is...

it's not looking great.


- Too privileged.
- Yeah.

Margaret Atwood?

- Too trendy.
- Yeah.

Toni Morrison?

- Too accurate.
- Too accurate, yeah.

The Little Prince?

No, it encourages child labour.

Toxic masculinity,

toxic femininity.

Oh! The three little bears.

Too big bear, little bear, who's a bear.

- and what are they...
- Really, yeah, hierarchical.

What about Proust?

- Too wordy.
- Yeah, definitely too wordy.

Well, I mean, so much memory.

Yeah, stop the memory.

Get out of yourself.

Talk to some people.

Rape apologist.

Too many pictures.

Yeah, too many pictures.

This book gave me cancer.

- Too footnotey.
- Too footnotey.

- Too Western.
- Too Western.

- Animal Farm?
- Very classist.

All right, here's one we can keep.

How about Celestine Prophecy?

I really liked this one.

Oh my god, there's no
way we're putting that in.

All right well if we
are not putting it in,

- then I'm keeping Eat, Pray, Love.
- No!

I do not want future
generations to think

that we're a bunch of
privileged rich white women

- going on holiday.
- But we are.

But I don't want to be.

Oh, remember that
holiday we took last year?

- My god, it was good.
- It was amazing.

Now that was fun.

- Synced and corrected by chamallow -
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