Barney Miller (1975–1982): Season 8, Episode 5 - Stress Analyzer - full transcript

A Peace Corps recruiter goes overboard at a job fair. Dietrich volunteers for a department stress experiment.

CAN I HELP YOU?
I'M CAPTAIN MILLER.

DR. EDMUND DANWORTH,

HUDSON CENTER
FOR STRESS STUDIES.

I'M LOOKING FOR A
SERGEANT ARTHUR DIETRICH.

THAT'S ME. WHAT
CAN I DO FOR YOU?

WELL, ACCORDING
TO THIS, SERGEANT,

YOU VOLUNTEERED TO
PARTICIPATE IN P.O.S.A.P...

POLICE OFFICER STRESS
ANALYSIS PROGRAM.

YOU'RE A LITTLE
LATE, AREN'T YOU?

I VOLUNTEERED FOR
THAT SIX MONTHS AGO.

YEAH, WELL, I'M JUST COMING
OFF A PRETTY MESSY DIVORCE.



OH.

WELL, IN ANY CASE, I'M HERE,
SO IF YOU'RE STILL INTERESTED,

WHY DON'T WE
JUST GET ON WITH IT?

WELL, HE'S STILL
AVAILABLE FOR DUTY?

THAT'S THE WHOLE IDEA.

IS IT GONNA TAKE LONG?

NO. FIVE MINUTES.

YEAH, I'M GAME.

ALL RIGHT. SET IT UP OVER
THERE BY THE AIR SHAFT.

GOOD. LOSE THE SHIRT.

WHAT... WHAT HAVE WE GOT HERE?

OH, UH, THIS IS
MRS. WANDA LaMEAR.

UM, CAPTAIN MILLER.

THESE ARE FOR MY NERVES.



A PLEASURE TO MEET YOU.

WHAT SEEMS TO BE THE PROBLEM?

WELL, MRS. LaMEAR WOULD LIKE
TO REPORT AN AFFAIR IN PROGRESS.

IT'S MY HUSBAND BRENT.

HE'S BEEN SLEEPING AROUND.

IT'S REALLY NOT HIS FAULT.

I MEAN, FOR THE PAST 25 YEARS,

EVERYTHING HAS BEEN
WONDERFUL BETWEEN US.

BRENT WAS ALWAYS
LOYAL, CARING...

ALWAYS A SURPRISE IN BED.

BUT THAT'S BEFORE SHE MOVED IN.

SHE?

THAT FLASHY BLONDE IN THE
BUILDING ACROSS FROM OURS.

SHE'S TAKEN MY HUSBAND.

YOUR HUSBAND'S LEFT YOU?

NO.

BUT YOU HAVE SEEN THEM TOGETHER?

WELL, NO.

HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT...

A WOMAN KNOWS THESE THINGS.

LOOK, HE ALWAYS COMES
HOME LATE AFTER WORK,

OUT OF BREATH AND
PHYSICALLY DRAINED,

IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

I KNOW THAT HE'S BEEN WITH HER.

MRS. LaMEAR, WE SYMPATHIZE,

BUT EXACTLY WHAT
DO YOU WANT US TO DO?

I WANT YOU TO RUN THAT
WOMAN OUT OF TOWN.

THE POLICE STILL
DO THAT, DON'T THEY?

WE'LL HAVE TO CHECK.

BARN, I'LL TAKE CARE OF IT.

- THANK YOU.
- SURE.

EXCUSE ME.

YOU WANT TO TAKE A
SEAT RIGHT THERE, PLEASE?

Dr. Danworth: IS THAT
TOO TIGHT, SERGEANT?

Dietrich: NO, THAT'S FINE.

THAT'S IT? WHAT'S IT DO?

THIS ELECTRONIC SENSOR

THAT I STRAPPED TO
SERGEANT DIETRICH'S CHEST

WILL RECORD HEART
AND NERVE REACTIONS,

PULSE, BLOOD PRESSURE,

AND ANY CHANGES DUE TO
STRESS AND STRAIN FACTORS

HE MIGHT ENCOUNTER.

YEAH?

UM...

ALL THE DATA WILL BE FED
INTO THIS TERMINAL HERE

SO THAT I'LL BE ABLE TO MONITOR
THE SERGEANT'S CONDITION

BASED ON THE INFORMATION
THAT COMES UP ON THE SCREEN.

VOILÀ.

BLOOD PRESSURE
120/76, PULSE... 68.

YOU'RE PERFECTLY NORMAL.

CAN I GET MY LOLLIPOP NOW?

FUNNY.

WHAT'S IT FOR?

THE BASIC INTENT OF THE PROGRAM

IS TO SAMPLE STRESS EXPERIENCED

BY A CROSS SECTION OF POLICE
OFFICERS THROUGHOUT THE CITY.

HOPEFULLY, WITH ALL THE
DATA WE'VE ACCUMULATED,

WE'LL BE ABLE TO PINPOINT
PROBLEM AREAS IN THE FIELD,

IMPROVE METHODS OF
TRAINING AND OPERATION,

AND BASICALLY ENHANCE
THE HEALTH AND WELL-BEING

OF THE ENTIRE DEPARTMENT.

HEY, WHAT'S ALL THIS STUFF?

OY.

YOU WANT TO GET THAT, WOJO?

SURE.

WELL, SERGEANT, IF
THAT'S COMFORTABLE,

YOU MIGHT AS WELL JUST GET
DRESSED AND FORGET ALL ABOUT IT.

FORGET ABOUT WHAT?

BARN, THERE'S A
DISTURBANCE OVER AT NYU.

AT THE STUDENT CENTER.

WHO YOU ON WITH?

HARRIS.

UH, WANDA'S GONE.
I KICKED HER OUT.

UH, GENTLY.

OKAY, YOU TWO.

Harris: THANKS.

HEY, WAIT A MINUTE.

ARE YOU GOING OUT WITH THAT GUY?

YEAH.

WHAT DO YOU THINK
I WIRED HIM FOR?

I DON'T KNOW.

WHO'S WANDA?

MAN, WHERE HAVE
YOU BEEN ALL MORNING?

SO, YOU'VE BEEN A COP LONG?

YEAH, ABOUT EIGHT YEARS.

I'M A CARDIOLOGIST.

YEAH?

YOU KNOW, NOBODY FORCES
ME TO LUG THAT STUFF AROUND.

I COULD HAVE HAD MY
OWN PRIVATE PRACTICE,

BUT I FIGURED, "WHO
NEEDS THE HEADACHES?"

NOT US.

RIGHT.

I MEAN, WE'RE TALKING
ABOUT 75 GRAND A YEAR

JUST IN MALPRACTICE INSURANCE,

AND THAT DOESN'T INCLUDE
NURSES, TECHNICIANS, EQUIPMENT,

AN OFFICE UPTOWN, GREENS FEES.

BUT JUST YOU GO TRYING
TELLING THAT TO JILL.

AM I BOTHERING YOU?

THAT OBVIOUS, HUH?

MR. BONDELL, PLEASE.

JUST STEP INSIDE HERE, PLEASE.

DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?

WE HAVE BECOME A SOCIETY
OF SELF-INDULGENT SLOBS,

ONLY THINKING ABOUT OURSELVES.

DIETRICH, DID MY TAILOR CALL?

NOPE.

UH, EXCUSE ME.

BARN, THIS IS VINCENT BONDELL.

HE TORE APART THE XEROX
BOOTH OVER AT NYU AT CAREER DAY.

IT WAS A TRAVESTY.

WHEN WE GOT THERE,

MR. BONDELL HAD THE COMPANY
RECRUITER IN A HEADLOCK,

TRYING TO GET A
PHOTOCOPY OF HIS FACE.

IT TURNED OUT PRETTY GOOD, TOO.

I COULDN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE...

SITTING THERE ALONE
AT MY LITTLE CARD TABLE,

WATCHING ALL THOSE
YOUNG, BRIGHT MINDS

FALLING ALL OVER EACH OTHER,

SIGNING UP WITH ALL
THOSE BIG CORPORATIONS.

I MEAN, ALL THOSE
KIDS GIVE A DAMN ABOUT

ARE HIGH-STARTING SALARIES,
COMPANY CARS, EXPENSE ACCOUNTS,

PLEASANT WORKING CONDITIONS.

I CANNOT COMPETE WITH THAT!

SEE, HE'S THE RECRUITER
FOR THE PEACE CORPS.

AH.

APPARENTLY YOU PEOPLE
HAVE CHANGED YOUR METHODS.

SURE, MAKE JOKES.

YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE

TALKING TO THESE
STUDENTS THESE DAYS.

WHAT'S IT TO THEM IF A VILLAGE
IN SENEGAL NEEDS A SCHOOL

OR THE CROPS IN
HONDURAS ARE FAILING

OR BABIES IN NEW GUINEA ARE
DROPPING LIKE FLIES TO MALARIA?

I SPENT SIX YEARS IN A MUD HUT,
SPORT, AND I'M DAMN PROUD OF IT!

I'M SURE YOU ARE, MR. BONDELL,
BUT, UNFORTUNATELY,

WE HAVE TO BOOK YOU.

WOJO.

YEAH, COME ON. OVER HERE.

HE'S GOT A POINT.

PUT IT IN THE REPORT.

BARNEY, WE GOT A DISTURBANCE
IN AN APARTMENT ON WEST 13th.

GRAB A UNIFORM.

YOU GOING DOWN TO A
CALL? YEAH, IT LOOKS LIKE IT.

WELL, I GUESS I'LL JUST SIT
HERE AND KEEP AN EYE ON YOU.

OKAY.

EXCUSE ME.

ARE YOU MARRIED?

UH, YES, HAPPILY.

GOOD FOR YOU.

YOU KNOW, SERGEANT, BACK IN '68,

WHEN I JOINED THE PEACE CORPS,

WE WERE YOUNG, IDEALISTIC.

WE COULDN'T WAIT
TO GET OUT THERE

AND CHANGE THE WORLD
AND MAKE IT BETTER.

YEAH, I REMEMBER THAT.

I'M GOING TO PUT
YOU IN THE CAGE NOW.

MM.

I MEAN, I'LL NEVER FORGET
THOSE FIRST FOUR YEARS IN KENYA,

WORKING 18 HOURS A DAY,

BREAKING MY BACK
WITH A PICK AND SHOVEL,

LAYING PIPE FOR AN
IRRIGATION PROJECT

THAT HAD ULTIMATELY BROUGHT HOPE

AND SELF-SUFFICIENCY
TO AN ENTIRE REGION.

- THAT'S GREAT.
- SURE IS.

UH, BUT YOU WANT
TO STEP IN THERE?

SO WHERE WERE YOU IN '68?

VIETNAM.

AH, SURE, EASY.

HEY, LOOK WHAT
THE CAT DRAGGED IN.

INSPECTOR LUGER.

HOW YOU DOING, HAR?

WRITTEN ANY GOOD BOOKS LATELY?

NO.

KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK.

INSPECTOR.

- HEY.
- WHAT'S UP?

OVER THERE JUST CHEWING
THE FAT WITH HARRIS.

- HI, WOJO.
- Wojo: INSPECTOR.

OOH, WHAT'S WITH CAPTAIN VIDEO?

THIS IS DR. DANWORTH.
INSPECTOR LUGER.

INSPECTOR.

WHAT'S UP, DOC?

YOU TRACKING SOME
ENEMY SUBMARINES, HUH?

- NO, I'M NOT.
- NO, HUH?

WELL, KEEP UP THE
GOOD WORK, DANNY.

CAN I SEE YOU IN
THE OFFICE, BARN?

DID I HEAR THEM SAY
THAT YOU'RE A DOCTOR?

YES, YOU DID.

DID YOU KNOW THAT THE PEACE
CORPS IS IN DESPERATE NEED

OF EXPERIENCED
PHYSICIANS JUST LIKE YOU?

OH, YEAH?

JUST THINK ABOUT IT...

BRINGING THE GIFT OF
LIFE TO SOME REMOTE,

IMPOVERISHED CORNER OF THE
WORLD, STARTING YOUR OWN CLINIC,

SETTING UP PROGRAMS
ON DISEASE CONTROL

AND HEALTH ADMINISTRATION.

A SIMPLE TWO-YEAR COMMITMENT

WILL BRING YOU A LIFETIME
OF CHERISHED MEMORIES

AND PERSONAL SATISFACTION.

HOW'S THE MONEY?

NICE TALKING TO YOU.

SO, UH, SO, ANYWAY, BARN, IN
THE PAST COUPLE OF WEEKS,

I MANAGED TO SEE
A LITTLE DAYLIGHT

IN MY OTHERWISE
VERY BUSY SCHEDULE.

SO I TOOK A FEW MINUTES TO READ
OVER A COUPLE OF THESE LETTERS

THAT YOU HACKED OUT.

I THINK THAT YOU'RE
REFERRING TO THOSE I WROTE

TO YOUR PROSPECTIVE
MAIL-ORDER BRIDES.

EXACTLY, BARN.

AND?

THEY'RE FROM HUNGER, BARNEY.

HUH?

THEY'RE FOR THE
BIRDS. I MEAN IT.

I MEAN, THEY LOOK
VERY NICE, HUH?

THERE'S NO STRIKEOVERS,
THE MARGINS ARE NICE AND NEAT,

BUT THEY READ

LIKE I'M SOME KIND OF A
WET MOP OR SOMETHING.

I DON'T THINK SO.

NO, LET ME REFRESH
YOUR MEMORY HERE.

OH, YEAH, YEAH.

"DEAR MI LING,

"I SAW YOUR PICTURE
IN THE MAGAZINE,

AND I FELT COMPELLED
TO WRITE TO YOU."

WELL, THAT'S OKAY... ROMANTIC.

THANK YOU.

BUT HERE'S THE PROBLEM, BARNEY.

GET A LOAD OF THIS SLOP.

"ALTHOUGH I LIVE
IN A BUSTLING CITY,

"I PREFER THE SIMPLE
THINGS IN LIFE...

"A WALK IN THE PARK, A
CHAT WITH OLD FRIENDS,

QUIET EVENINGS AT HOME."

IT SOUNDS LIKE I BARELY
MADE IT THROUGH THE LETTER.

INSPECTOR, WHAT DID
YOU EXPECT ME TO WRITE?

I DON'T KNOW, BARNEY.

MAYBE SOMETHING LIKE,

"I ENJOY GOING OUT TO A
BALLGAME OCCASIONALLY.

I LIKE TO CATCH A BROADWAY
SHOW NOW AND THEN."

YOU KNOW, DINING AND DANCING
INTO THE DAWN, HANG GLIDING.

YOU DON'T DO ANY
OF THOSE THINGS.

I SAW "PAL JOEY" ONCE.

INSPECTOR, I DIDN'T WANT TO
WRITE THOSE LETTERS, BUT I DID.

BUT IF I WAS GONNA WRITE THEM,

I DECIDED I WAS
GONNA PICTURE YOU

AS ACCURATELY AND
HONESTLY AS POSSIBLE.

LIKE BORING, HUH?

I NEVER SAID THAT.

YES.

CAPTAIN, I THINK YOU
BETTER LOOK AT THIS.

EXCUSE ME, INSPECTOR.

IT'S OKAY, BARN. I'LL
JUST SIT HERE QUIETLY.

Barney: WHAT'S GOING ON?

WELL, WE DON'T KNOW,
BUT A FEW MINUTES AGO,

IT STARTED GOING
CRAZY, SO... DOCTOR?

ACTUALLY, I HAVE SEEN
THIS PATTERN ONCE BEFORE...

IN THE SOUTH BRONX.

A RAPID RISE IN SYSTOLIC
BLOOD PRESSURE,

ACCELERATED HEARTBEAT,
ERRATIC NERVE FUNCTIONS.

MY GUESS IS THAT YOUR
MAN'S UNDER HOSTILE FIRE.

- WHAT?
- HE'S BEING SHOT AT.

I KNOW WHAT IT MEANS!

BARN, I'LL CALL DISPATCH.

YEAH.

LOOK, ARE YOU SURE
IT'S NOT JUST YOUR...

I'M SORRY.

YEAH, RIGHT. OKAY.

JUST... JUST KEEP
ME POSTED, WILL YOU?

RIGHT.

WHAT DO THE BOYS AT
DISPATCH HAVE TO SAY?

THEY DON'T KNOW
WHAT'S GOING ON, EITHER.

THEY HAD REPORTS OF PEOPLE

RUNNING OUT OF THE
BUILDING SCREAMING,

WINDOWS BEING BLOWN
OUT OF THE FIFTH FLOOR.

SOMEBODY EVEN
REPORTED SHOTS FIRED.

SOMEBODY CALLED THE BOMB SQUAD.

WONDERFUL.

NO WORD FROM WOJO
OR HARRIS, EITHER?

NOTHING.

- CAPTAIN...
- YEAH?

I TESTED OUT THE TERMINAL
INPUTS AND CALIBRATION.

IT ALL CHECKS OUT. I'M SORRY.

IT'S NOT THE MACHINE.

WAIT. ARE YOU TRYING TO
TELL US THAT D.D. IS DEAD?

MAYBE IT'S THAT STUPID THING
YOU STRAPPED ON HIS CHEST.

MAYBE HE TOOK IT OFF.

MAYBE IT FELL OFF.

YEAH, IT'S... THAT'S
PROBABLY IT.

- I TRIED THAT.
- OH, DID YOU?

DID YOU TRY THAT?

EXCUSE ME.

UH, YEAH, KOGAN, UH,
HOLD ON A SECOND.

YES?

WILLIAM JESSUP, NEW YORK
DISTRICT SUPERVISOR, ACTION.

WHAT?

WE'RE THE FEDERAL AGENCY
THAT OVERSEES OUR GOVERNMENT'S

VARIOUS VOLUNTARY-SERVICES
PROGRAMS,

OF WHICH THE PEACE
CORPS IS A VERY SMALL PART.

OH, YOU'RE LOOKING FOR
BONDELL. HE'S RIGHT THERE.

KOGAN, I'M TRYING TO FIND OUT
WHAT HAPPENED TO DIETRICH.

WHAT EXACTLY DID MR. BONDELL DO?

I WAS MAKING A POINT.

HE ASSAULTED A
CORPORATE RECRUITER

AND BUSTED UP A LOT
OF COMPANY PROPERTY.

YOU HAPPEN TO HAVE A
COUPLE OF EXTRA UNIFORMS

LAYING AROUND DOWN THERE?

BUT WHY WAS I CALLED?

HE'S YOUR BOY, ISN'T HE?

TECHNICALLY, YES, BUT
THE POINT IS, CAPTAIN...

I KNOW HALF THE PRECINCT
IS DOWN THERE! I SENT THEM!

THE POINT IS, CAPTAIN, THE
PEACE CORPS DOES FUNCTION

AS A WHOLLY AUTONOMOUS
BRANCH OF ACTION.

HOLD ON A SECOND.

IN FACT, YOU REALLY SHOULD
HAVE CALLED THEIR OFFICE.

I AM THEIR OFFICE.

I'LL TALK TO HIM.

INSIDE, LADIES.

I REALLY DON'T KNOW
WHAT'S GOING ON.

- TRAMP.
- SHE KEEPS SAYING THAT.

LEVITT, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

BACK ON DUTY, SIR. I WENT
OUT WITH SERGEANT DIETRICH.

DIETRICH. WHAT HAPPENED?

WHAT HAPPENED TO DIETRICH?!

HE'S FINE, SIR. HE'S DOWNSTAIRS
CHANGING HIS CLOTHES.

WHAT?

IF YOU'LL JUST STEP INSIDE,

WE'LL GET THIS ALL
STRAIGHTENED OUT FOR YOU.

WELL, I HOPE SO.

BRENT.

WANDA.

DARLING, WHAT'S GOING ON?

THAT'S WHAT I WANT TO
KNOW. WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?

- HELLO, PEOPLE.
- SERGEANT DIETRICH.

I THINK YOU BETTER
WRING THIS OUT.

- CAPTAIN.
- WHAT HAPPENED?

UH, EVERYBODY KNOW EVERYBODY?

- NO.
- HA!

WHAT HAPPENED?

WE GOT TO MS. SWALLOCK'S
APARTMENT, AND...

THAT'S OUR FLASHY BLONDE HERE.

MRS. LaMEAR WAS CHASING MS.
SWALLOCK AROUND THE APARTMENT,

BLASTING EVERYTHING IN SIGHT

WITH ONE OF THOSE
HIGH-PRESSURE FIRE HOSES

YOU GET IN THE HALLWAY.

WANDA, THAT'S SO UNLIKE YOU.

SORRY.

I DIDN'T MEAN TO COOL
OFF YOUR GIRLFRIEND.

WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE? HUH?

ANYWAY, SIR, SERGEANT DIETRICH

FINALLY WRESTED
THE HOSE IN QUESTION

AWAY FROM MRS. LaMEAR.

BUT NOT BEFORE BEING
BLOWN BACKWARDS

OVER A BARCALOUNGER BY
THE INTENSITY OF THE SPRAY.

I WASN'T AIMING FOR HIM. THOSE
THINGS ARE VERY HARD TO HOLD.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

IT WAS THE FUNNIEST
THING I HAVE EVER SEEN.

I WAS DYING.

REALLY?

HOW ABOUT THAT?

WELL, ANYWAY, BARN, WHEN
HARRIS AND I GOT THERE,

THE WOMEN WERE
ALREADY IN DRY CLOTHES

AND DIETRICH WAS
LEADING THEM OUT,

SO... SO WE WENT OVER
TO PICK UP MR. LaMEAR.

HELLO.

YOU COULD HAVE AT LEAST
CALLED, TOLD ME HE WAS OKAY.

I GUESS I WAS
SUPPOSED TO DO THAT.

I'M SORRY.

ALL RIGHT, LET'S GET
SOME STATEMENTS.

HARRIS, YOU WANT TO
TAKE CARE OF THE LaMEARS?

MS. SWALLOCK, IF YOU'LL
HAVE A SEAT OVER...

WHY AM I UNDER ARREST?

NO, YOU'RE NOT UNDER ARREST.

I MEAN, ALL I DID WAS
ANSWER MY DOOR,

AND THE NEXT THING I KNOW,

THAT WOMAN IS TRYING
TO DROWN ME WITH A HOSE.

AND SHE'S BLOWING
OUT ALL MY WINDOWS

AND CALLING ME FILTHY NAMES
AND PINNING ME UNDER THE COUCH.

I MEAN, I DON'T EVEN
KNOW THESE PEOPLE.

UNFORTUNATELY, MRS. LaMEAR
IS UNDER THE IMPRESSION

THAT YOU'VE BEEN HAVING
AN AFFAIR WITH HER HUSBAND.

HIM?

ME?

I COULD BE WRONG.

I HOPE YOU REALIZE, BONDELL,

YOUR LITTLE TANTRUM
COULDN'T HAVE HAPPENED

AT A WORSE TIME FOR ME.

THE PEACE CORPS NEEDS PEOPLE.

THAT MAY BE, BUT AT THE MOMENT,

I'M UP TO MY EARS
TRYING TO SAVE VISTA,

THE UNIVERSITY YEAR FOR ACTION,
FOSTER GRANDPARENTS PROGRAM.

SO?

SO STOCKMAN WANTS
MY HIDE, BONDELL,

AND THIS DOESN'T HELP MATTERS.

- EXCUSE ME.
- YES?

I'D JUST LIKE TO EMPHASIZE
THAT MR. BONDELL'S ACTION

IN NO WAY REFLECTS
THE ACTIONS OF ACTION,

NOR ANY OF OUR OTHER
FINE VOLUNTARY PROGRAMS,

WHICH ARE ALL PRESENTLY
BITING THE BIG ONE.

WELL, I APPRECIATE
THAT, MR. JESSUP,

BUT THERE ARE SOME CHARGES
OUTSTANDING AGAINST...

Wojo: BARN.

UH, I TALKED TO THE RECRUITER.

HE SAID THAT THEY'D BE WILLING
TO DROP THE ASSAULT CHARGE.

WHAT THEY CARE ABOUT IS
COMPENSATION FOR THE DISPLAY.

AND HOW MUCH WOULD THAT BE?

ABOUT $300.

$300.

WE'LL TRY TO SCRAPE THAT UP.

THANKS.

YOU KNOW, BONDELL,

$300 WOULD HAVE FED A
FAMILY OF 12 IN GUATEMALA

FOR SIX MONTHS.

GOD... THAT'S RIGHT.

NICE GUY.

FRANKLY, WANDA, I'M CONFUSED.

I MEAN, WHATEVER MADE YOU THINK
I WAS RUNNING AROUND WITH HER?

OH, I COULD SEE THE WAY
SHE WAS COMING ON TO YOU.

- HOW?
- WELL, IT WAS SO OBVIOUS.

ALWAYS PRANCING AROUND
HER APARTMENT NAKED,

WIGGLING HER YOUNG BODY
IN FRONT OF THE WINDOW,

TRYING TO ENTICE
YOU, AROUSE YOU.

I WAS VACUUMING.

I MEAN, I ALWAYS
HOUSECLEAN IN THE NUDE.

IT HELPS ME ON MY DIET.

I MEAN, I SWEAR, I HAD NO IDEA.

THEN WHAT'S... WHAT'S
WRONG BETWEEN US?

NOTHING.

OH, YOU NEVER COME
HOME FOR DINNER ANYMORE,

WE HARDLY SAY ONE
WORD TO EACH OTHER,

AND WHEN IT'S TIME TO GO TO BED,

YOU JUST ROLL OVER
AND GO TO SLEEP.

YOU NEVER USED TO DO THAT.

- WANDA...
- IS IT ME?

OF COURSE NOT, DARLING.

IT'S... IT'S JUST THAT
LATELY I'VE BEEN...

I'VE BEEN PLAGUED BY
SOME BUSINESS SETBACKS,

AND I DIDN'T WANT TO
BURDEN YOU WITH THEM.

OH.

YOU SEE, I'M A REALTOR.

OH, I'M SORRY.

BRENT, YOU SHOULD HAVE TOLD ME.

I THOUGHT I WAS LOSING YOU.

WANDA.

BRENT.

AW.

CAPTAIN...

I, UH, GUESS I BETTER BE HEADING
BACK TO THE STRESS CENTER.

THEY'RE GONNA BE
FASCINATED BY YOUR FINDINGS.

SURE.

UH, ANYWAY, I JUST
WANTED TO APOLOGIZE

FOR MAKING THINGS KIND
OF HECTIC AROUND HERE.

IT SORT OF DEFEATED THE
WHOLE PURPOSE OF THE PROGRAM,

DOESN'T IT?

GOODBYE, DOCTOR.

RIGHT.

SERGEANT DIETRICH...
THANKS FOR EVERYTHING.

DOC.

LET'S DO IT AGAIN REAL SOON.

HEY, D.D.!

I.L.

YOU LITTLE SCAMP, YOU...
RUNNING OFF LIKE THAT.

YOU DIDN'T FOOL US FOR A MINUTE.

WE KNEW ALL THE TIME HE'D BE
ALL RIGHT, DIDN'T WE, BARNEY?

ABSOLUTELY.

YEAH.

I WAS JUST TALKING
TO LEVINE DOWNSTAIRS.

TOLD ME THIS WHOLE
HUNGA-BUNGA ALL STARTED UP

BECAUSE OF SOME WACKO
BROAD SQUIRTING A HOSE.

WHAT?

SIR, THAT WACKO BROAD
YOU'RE REFERRING TO

HAPPENS TO BE THE WOMAN I LOVE.

BRENT.

OH, HE IS SO WONDERFUL.

BACK OFF, SISTER!

ANYWAY, D.D., NOW THAT I GOT
YOU BACK ALL SAFE AND SOUND,

NONE THE WORSE FOR WEAR,

I THINK I'LL TODDLE ON
BACK DOWNTOWN, BARNEY.

OKAY.

THANK YOU FOR YOUR,
UH, SUPPORT, INSPECTOR.

LISTEN, BARNEY, FOR YOU,
ANYTHING AT ANYTIME, HUH?

INCIDENTALLY, BARNEY, THOSE
LETTERS YOU WROTE FOR ME...

YEAH?

I LEFT THEM ON YOUR DESK.

OH.

THE FIRST CHANCE YOU
GET, PUNCH 'EM UP, HMM?

ALOHA, BARNEY.

Barney: YEAH?

- CAPTAIN?
- MM-HMM?

I JUST THOUGHT I'D
BRING YOU UP-TO-DATE

ON OUR LITTLE LOVE
TRIANGLE OUT THERE.

OH?

MR. LaMEAR SAID HE'D
PAY FOR THE DAMAGES

DONE TO MS.
SWALLOCK'S APARTMENT,

SO SHE DECIDED TO DROP CHARGES.

- FINE.
- SO YOU WANT TO CUT
WANDA LOOSE AGAIN?

YEAH, SURE.

ANYTHING ELSE?

YEAH, I JUST WANTED TO TELL YOU

HOW MUCH I APPRECIATE
YOUR CONCERN FOR ME.

WELL...

HARRIS AND WOJO TOLD ME
THAT MY PASSING AWAY LIKE THAT

REALLY THREW YOU FOR A LOOP.

UH... YEAH, IT DID.

WELL, IT MADE ME
FEEL PRETTY GOOD.

GOOD.

COMING OUT OF THAT BUILDING

AND SEEING ALL THOSE
PATROL CARS YOU SENT OVER

AND THE UNIFORMS SWARMING
ALL OVER THE STREET,

THE AREA ROPED OFF LIKE THAT...

I REALLY APPRECIATE IT.

FINE. FORGET IT.

THE BOMB SQUAD WAS A NICE TOUCH.

I DIDN'T SEND THEM.

TOO BUSY WRITING
THE EULOGY, HUH?

GET OUT.

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