Barney Miller (1975–1982): Season 8, Episode 19 - Bones - full transcript

A museum presses charges when an Indian lifts his tribe's ancestral bones from an exhibit. A scoutmaster catches a mugger.

GOOD EVENING.

HI, BARN.

WHAT'S HAPPENING?

STATUS QUO. HIGH INTEREST RATES,

HIGH UN-EMPLOYMENT,
HIGH BUDGET, HIGH DEFICIT.

HOWEVER, LIZ AND
DICK ARE TALKING.

OH, WELL, AT LEAST
THERE'S SOME GOOD NEWS.

HARRIS AND WOJO WENT OUT.

THANK YOU.

NO COFFEE?

NO WATER.



DAY SHIFT SAID IT'S
BEEN OFF SINCE NOON.

ANYBODY CALL MAINTENENCE?

CALLED THEM RIGHT AWAY.

SAID THEY'D BE RIGHT OVER.

THAT WAS FIVE HOURS AGO.

IT'S SPRING, EVEN
IN THE BASEMENT.

OKAY, NATURE LOVERS, YOU
WANT TO STEP INSIDE HERE?

MAN, THIS DUDE'S GOT
A VICIOUS TEMPER, MAN.

YOU ALMOST BROKE MY ARM.

YOU JUST PICKED THE
WRONG PERSON TO MUG, FELLA.

NOW, HOW WAS I SUPPOSED
TO KNOW THAT, HUH?

I MEAN, AT LEAST CHARLES
BRONSON WEARS A HAT.

WHAT HAVE WE GOT HERE?
THIS IS GILBERT PEDROSA.

THIS IS MR. GORDON LYNCH.



WHEN WE GOT TO THE PARK,
MR. LYNCH WAS WAITING FOR US.

HE ALREADY HAD
PEDROSA SPREAD-EAGLED

AGAINST A KNOTTY PINE.

REALLY?

YEAH, APPARENTLY, MR. LYNCH HERE

WAS OUT FOR AN
EARLY-EVENING STROLL

WHEN HE WAS ACCOSTED
BY LITTLE MR. PEDROSA HERE.

I WAS DOING THE
SAME THING, TOO, MAN.

I WAS STROLLING.

WHEN WE FOUND HIM, BARN,

HE WAS CARRYING
THIS KNIFE AND, UM...

THREE WALLETS.

THAT'S MY FAMILY'S.

HERSHEL MISHKIN?

IS THERE A PROBLEM WITH THAT?

WOJO.

SIT DOWN, PEDROSA.

WE'RE GONNA NEED A
STATEMENT FROM YOU, MR. LYNCH.

AND I'D LIKE YOU TO KNOW WE
REALLY APPRECIATE YOUR HELP.

YOU KNOW, HE'S LUCKY
MY TROOP WASN'T THERE.

HE'D HAVE BEEN TORN TO PIECES.

YOU SEE, BARN, MR. LYNCH
HERE, HE'S A SCOUTMASTER.

OH.

WELL, YOU DO GOOD
WORK... IMPORTANT.

WELL, WE TRY.

YOU KNOW, BUT THE KIDS ARE
GROWING UP SO FAST THESE DAYS,

WE TEND TO LOSE THEM EARLY.

I MEAN, IF YOU'RE GONNA
KEEP UP WITH PENTHOUSE,

YOU GOT TO COME UP WITH
SOME PRETTY INTERESTING KNOTS.

SERGEANT HARRIS WILL BE
HAPPY TO TAKE YOUR STATEMENT.

WELL... I'M PREPARED.

WERE YOU A SCOUT, SERGEANT?

UH... NO, NOT THAT I REMEMBER.

YOU WANT TO TAKE A
SEAT RIGHT THERE, PLEASE?

WELL, YOU DON'T KNOW
WHAT YOU'RE MISSING.

HEY, I TRY NOT
TO THINK ABOUT IT.

MAN, HE'S GOT TO
READ ME MY RIGHTS.

I READ THEM TO YOU IN THE PARK.

BUT I WANT TO HEAR
THEM IN SPANISH.

SEE, MY ENGLISH
AIN'T TOO GOOD, MAN.

USTED TIENE EL DERECHO
DE MANTENER SILENCIO,

¿NO ENTIENDE?

CUALQUIER...ALL
RIGHT, ALL RIGHT!

WANT TO HEAR THEM IN POLISH?

BARN, WE GOT A DISTURBANCE
AT THE GREENWICH MUSEUM.

UH... YOU AND WOJO.

I'LL PUT HIM IN THE CAGE
FOR THE TIME BEING.

I'LL CHECK HIM FOR PRIORS LATER.

VÁMONOS, AMIGO.

ESTOY CONTIGO.

MIRA, MIRA, CAPITÁN.

EH, SI ME LLAMEN, COGE MENSAJE.

IF HE GETS ANY PHONE
CALLS, TAKE A MESSAGE.

GRACIAS, GRACIAS.

OpenSubtitles recommends using Nord VPN
from 3.49 USD/month ----> osdb.link/vpn

DID YOU KNOW, SERGEANT,
THAT THE AVERAGE PERSON

CAN GO UP TO FIVE
DAYS WITHOUT WATER.

HOME ADDRESS?

AND AFTER THAT,

THEIR BODY FLUIDS
START TO DRY UP

AND THEIR EYES
BECOME NOTHING MORE

THAN SHRIVELED RAISINS,

AND THEY DIE OF DEHYDRATION.

- HOME ADDRESS?
- BUT NOW YOU SEE,

WE IN SCOUTING ARE TRAINED
TO SURVIVE IN ANY SITUATION.

WELL, TAKE NOT HAVING
ENOUGH WATER FOR INSTANCE.

NOW, IF YOU'RE REALLY DESPERATE,
YOU CAN SUCK ON PEBBLES.

YOU CAN GATHER
CONDENSATION FROM PLANT LIFE.

OR, IN A PINCH, YOU CAN
UTILIZE YOUR OWN BODY WASTE.

I DON'T HAVE ANY.

HEY, LOOK, I'M
TALKIN' RESPECT HERE.

I DON'T GO MESSING
WITH YOUR GRAVE.

DON'T GO MESSING WITH MINE.

WHAT DO WE GOT HERE?

MR. JAMES LONG, BURGLARY
AND DISTURBING THE PEACE.

I WAS TRYING TO PRESERVE

THE CULTURAL AND TRADITIONAL
INTEGRITY OF THE MOHAWK NATION.

HE'S AN INDIAN, BARN.

THANK YOU, WOJO.

WHEN WE GOT TO
THE MUSEUM, HE WAS...

WELL, HE WAS HOLDING A SIT-IN

IN FRONT OF THE
NATIVE-AMERICAN EXHIBIT.

RIGHT NEXT TO THE
FLINTSTONES... THE REAL ONES.

HE'S PROTESTING THAT THE...

THE MUSEUM DUG UP SOME
BONES SOMEWHERE UPSTATE.

WHAT BONES?

THEM BONES.

MR. LONG BROKE IN TO
THE ARCHEOLOGIST'S LAB,

SNATCHED THE COLLECTION,

THEN HE BLOCKED THE ENTRANCE
TO THE EXHIBIT WITH HIS BODY.

WHAT WOULD YOU DO

IF SOMEBODY STOLE THE
REMAINS OF YOUR ANCESTORS

THEN SHOVED THEM
IN SOME GARBAGE BAG

AND THREW THEM IN A
CLOSET SOMEWHERE?

I'D SPEAK UP.

OKAY.

IF YOU WANT TO DRAW
ATTENTION TO THE ISSUES,

YOU GOT TO GET PUBLICITY.

HAVE YOU GOTTEN ANY YET?

WELL, A JAPANESE TOUR
GROUP TOOK SOME PICTURES.

HEY, IT'S EARLY YET.

SOMEONE COMING DOWN FROM THE
MUSEUM TO PRESS CHARGES LATER.

THAT'S FINE WITH ME.

I'VE BEEN ARRESTED BEFORE...

THREE MILE ISLAND,
WASHINGTON, D.C.

REALLY?

I GO WHERE I'M NEEDED.

WELL, WE SYMPATHIZE, MR. LONG,

BUT I'M AFRAID WE'RE GONNA
HAVE TO HOLD YOU ANYWAY.

HEY, IT'S OKAY.

JUST HAVE A SEAT RIGHT
OVER THERE, PLEASE.

I WANT TO KNOW WHAT YOU'RE
GONNA DO WITH THOSE BONES.

THEY'LL BE IN THE CAPTAIN'S
OFFICE ON HIS DESK.

ONLY HALLOWED GROUND WE GOT.

THEY'LL BE RIGHT HERE, MR. LONG.

JUST HAVE A SEAT OVER THERE.

OKAY.

GIVE ME A BREAK, I'M THIRSTY.

YEAH.

MAIL CALL.

- ONE FOR YOU.
- THANK YOU.

- AND ONE FOR YOU.
- THANKS.

SIR.

ASSORTED MEMORANDA,
MANPOWER REPORTS,

AND IN LIGHT OF THE
CURRENT PLUMBING PROBLEM,

A LIST OF THE AVAILABLE
BATHROOMS IN OUR AREA.

THAT'S VERY THOUGHTFUL OF YOU.

ONLY TWO HAVE DOORS, SIR...

SAL'S AUTOMOTIVE
AND GROSSMAN'S DELI.

GROSSMAN'S GOT A LOCK.

SAL'S GOT A DOBERMAN.

I'M GONNA BE AT GROSSMAN'S
FOR A FEW MINUTES, ALL RIGHT?

OKAY.

WHY DON'T YOU POST THAT, HUH?

BUENOS DÍAS.

¿ALGUIÉN LLAMA PARA MAINTENANCE?

- WHAT?
- MAINTENANCE.

ALGUIÉN ME LLAMA

Y ME DIJERON QUE TENÍA
UN PROBLEMA AQUÍ ARRIBA.

SPEAK UP.

HE WANTS TO KNOW IF
SOMEBODY IN THIS JOINT

CALLED FOR MAINTENANCE.

I KNOW WHAT HE SAID.

YO COMPRENDO BUENO.

PARLER AVEC CAPITÁN MILLER.

CAPITÁN MILLER.

MUCHAS GRACIAS.

WHAT, ARE YOU KIDDING?

WHAT'S GOING ON?

WHOA, SLOW, SLOW, SLOW.

HE SAYS SOMEBODY CALLED,
AND THEY WANTED HIM

TO GET UP HERE RIGHT
AWAY, FROM MAINTENANCE.

OH, GOOD.

BUENO.

ALL RIGHT, UH... YO
ESTOY CAPTAIN MILLER.

ENCANTADO.

HE'S ENCHANTED.

ANYWAY, UH...

¿QUÉ HORA CREE
USTED QUE PUEDO...

UH, PUEDE, UM... UM... HMM.

EL AGUA.

AH, NO SÉ, NO SÉ.

CON UN POCO DE
SUERTE, PODRMÍA SER...

HOLD ON.

DOESN'T HE SPEAK ANY ENGLISH?

SÍ. VERY GOOD.

WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

JORGE JESUS MARIA SANCHEZ.

ENCANTADO.

NOW, WHAT'S WITH THE WATER?

THERE AIN'T NONE.

YEAH, WELL, WE FIGURED
THAT OUT FOR OURSELVES.

- OH, YOU KNOW?
- SÍ!

BUENO. ADIÓS.

WAIT A MINUTE! WAIT A MINUTE!

WHAT HAPPENED TO THE WATER?

QUITÉ EL AGUA ESTA MAÍANA.

- THEY TURNED THE WATER OFF.
- ESTA MAÑANA.

- THIS MORNING.
- IT'S A LEAK.

IT'S A LEAK.

I GOT THAT.

THE QUESTION IS WHEN DO
WE GET THE WATER BACK?

NOT TO WORRY.

DI AL HOMBRE QUE TENGO
UNA PARED BASTANTE GRANDE.

YO SOY SOLAMENTE UNA PERSONA,

Y NECESITO UN TIPO FUERTE
PARA HACER HUEQUITO.

HE SAID THERE'S A WALL
THAT HE'S GOT TO BREAK DOWN

AND HE'S GONNA NEED SOME HELP.

HELP.

OH, ALL RIGHT, UM...

LEVITT, DO YOU WANT
TO HELP MR. SANCHEZ?

WHAT?

WOULD YOU GIVE
MR. SANCHEZ A HAND?

TO BREAK DOWN THE WALL.

THE WALL, SIR?

THE WALL!

WALL. OF COURSE, SIR.

ALWAYS HAPPY TO PITCH IN, SIR.

GOOD... OFFICER LEVITT.

OYE, CHIQUITICO, VÁMONOS.

YEAH, SOME OF THIS.

YOU KNOW, YOU PEOPLE
HAVE RUINED THIS LAND.

YOU WASTED OUR
ANIMALS, OUR FORESTS,

FOGGED UP THE AIR,
POLLUTED THE RIVERS.

YOU KEEP THAT UP

AND MANHATTAN IS GOING BE
WORTH EVEN LESS THAN YOU PAID FOR.

I GOT PUT YOU IN THE CAGE NOW.

UH, EXCUSE ME.

MY NAME IS LYNCH.

MY GRANDMOTHER
WAS 1/16 CHEROKEE.

ALL RIGHT.

ANYWAY, I COULDN'T HELP BUT
HEAR WHAT YOU WERE SAYING,

AND I THOUGHT YOU MIGHT LIKE TO
KNOW THAT I AGREE WITH YOU 100%.

AND IF THERE'S SOMETHING
I CAN DO FOR YOU, I'D...

I'D LIKE TO HELP.

GREAT.

ARE YOU A LAWYER?

NO, I'M A SCOUTMASTER.

HMM.

CAN'T USE A SCOUTMASTER.
I NEED A LAWYER.

OH, OH. SORRY.

WELL, I JUST THOUGHT YOU
MIGHT BE INTERESTED IN KNOWING

THAT WE RESPECT YOUR TRADITIONS,
YOUR CULTURE, YOUR IDEALS.

UH... IN MANY WAYS,

WE IN SCOUTING TRY TO
EMULATE THE INDIAN'S WAY OF LIFE.

FAR OUT.

THEN WE'RE ALL
GONNA NEED A LAWYER.

♪ OH, BEAUTIFUL
FOR SPACIOUS SKIES ♪

♪ FOR AMBER WAVES OF GRAIN ♪

OH, PLEASE.

I'M ONLY TRYING TO HELP MY CASE.

GET IN THERE.

UH, BARN, I CHECKED
PEDROSA FOR PRIORS.

HE'S HAD 31 ARRESTS
DATING BACK SINCE HE WAS 15.

I WAS A LATE BLOOMER, MAN.

BARN, I THINK I'LL GO
OVER TO GROSSMAN'S.

I, UM... I NEED A
PACK OF CIGARETTES.

MR. LYNCH.

Harris: YOU WANT TO SIGN
THIS COMPLAINT, PLEASE,

AND THEN YOU'RE
FREE TO TAKE A HIKE.

OH.

MAYBE I'LL JUST LOOK IT
OVER FIRST, SERGEANT.

UH, RIGHT. BACK IN A FEW.

CHICO, NO ES MI
CULPA QUE TE CAÍSTE.

I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT!

BÉSAME MY MUCHO, BALDY.

I HEARD THAT.

LEVITT.

WHAT?!

WHAT HAPPENED?

BUENO, EL SEÑOR
KLUTZO HERE, MUY COCKY,

SUBIA LA ESCALERA, MIRE
ABAJO SE CAYO,

Y PARECÍA ESTHER WILLIAMS.

LEVITT, UH...

WHY DON'T YOU JUST
GO CLEAN UP, HUH?

- WHERE?
- OH, RIGHT.

GO AHEAD, SIR, YUK IT UP.

I MEAN, LITTLE LEVITT'S
ALWAYS GOOD FOR A LAUGH

IF NOTHING ELSE.

LEVITT, I'M REALLY SORRY.

SPARE ME THE FALSE SINCERITY.

I'VE HAD IT UP TO
HERE WITH THAT, TOO.

FORGET IT!

BARN, WHAT'S THE
MATTER WITH LEVITT?

NOTHING. HE'LL BE OKAY.

BUT HE SEEMS PRETTY UPSET, BARN.

HE WAS WORKING IN THE BASEMENT.

HE HAD A LITTLE
ACCIDENT. THAT'S ALL.

WHAT WAS HE DOING
IN THE BASEMENT?

HE WAS HELPING MR. SANCHEZ
HERE WITH THE PLUMBING.

WHY?

BECAUSE I ASKED HIM TO!

HE'S A COP, BARN.

EXCUSE ME, CAPITÁN, OTRA VEZ,

YO SOY SOLAMENTE ONE PERSON.

SI JAMÁS EN SU VIDA
YOU WANT UN TOILET,

ME TIENES QUE
PRESTAR UN TIPO FUERTE.

OH, HE WANTS TO
BORROW THE BIG GUY.

SÍ. I WANT TO
BORROW THE BIG GUY.

BIG GUY.

OKAY. BUT ONLY
BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T ASK.

THANK YOU.

YES, SIR. CAN I HELP YOU?

YEAH, I'M DR. OTTO TRAVEN,
ARCHEOLOGIST AND RESIDENT

AT THE GREENWICH
MUSEUM OF NATURAL HISTORY.

- I'M ART.
- HELLO, ART.

I TAKE IT YOU'RE HERE
ABOUT THE BONES?

WELL, I SUPPOSE SO.
THIS IS ALL SO NEW TO ME.

ANYWAY...

I WAS AT NYU CONDUCTING
A SLIDE PRESENTATION

OF MY RECENT DIG
IN THE CATSKILLS

WHEN I WAS INFORMED THAT A
YOUNG MAN VANDALIZED MY OFFICE

AND MADE OFF WITH SOME
VERY VALUABLE SPECIMENS.

THAT WAS ME.

DESECRATOR, VIOLATOR
OF SACRED SOIL.

YOU PEOPLE GOT NO
RESPECT FOR NOTHING!

HAVE WE MET?

I'M JAMES LONG, THE
SON OF EDGAR LONG,

A BROTHER TO THE
WOLF AND THE EAGLE,

GRANDSON OF TOTADAHO,

GREAT-GREAT-GRANDSON OF
ADRIOCTON AND ODISARUNDI,

ALL OF WHOM CRY
OUT TO ME IN ANGUISH

FROM THEIR DESPOILED GRAVES.

YOU'RE VERY UPSET.

COME ON.

UH, DOC, DO YOU WANT TO
STEP OVER HERE WITH ME?

I NEED SOME INFORMATION.

CERTAINLY, CERTAINLY.

WE'LL CONTINUE THIS.

I'VE JUST BEEN GLANCING
THROUGH THE PAGES

OF THESE JUVENILE OFFENDERS.

YOU SIGN THE COMPLAINT YET?

BREAKS YOUR HEART, DOESN'T IT,

TO SEE ALL THESE BRIGHT,

SHINY FACES TURN SOUR?

SO ARE THOSE THE
BONES OVER THERE?

YEAH.

I CERTAINLY HOPE THAT
HE HASN'T DAMAGED THEM.

THEY'RE WORTH AN ARM AND A LEG.

THAT'S FUNNY.

LOOK, IF YOU WANT TO GO OVER

AND CHECK THEM FOR
FRACTURES, GO AHEAD.

FRACTURES?

UH, YEAH, YEAH. THANK YOU.

HEY, NOW WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

JUST LOOKING.

LEAVE THEM ALONE, WILL
YOU? SHOW SOME RESPECT.

Dietrich: YOU WANT
TO LIGHTEN UP?

WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?

NOT A HELL OF A LOT.

CAPTAIN MILLER, THIS IS
DR. TRAVEN FROM THE MUSEUM.

AH. DOCTOR.

HEY, YOU GOT NO
RIGHT DIGGING THAT...

JUST TAKE IT EASY, MR. LONG.

IT'S ALL RIGHT, CAPTAIN.

I GENUINELY APPRECIATE
MR. LONG'S FEELINGS.

I WISH HE UNDERSTOOD HOW
IMPORTANT OUR WORK CAN BE.

YEAH, WELL, IF
IT'S SO IMPORTANT,

WHY DON'T YOU DIG
UP YOUR OWN FAMILY?

SOMEBODY UNDOUBTEDLY
WILL SOMEDAY.

MR. LONG... WE IN ARCHEOLOGY

DON'T GO AROUND DIGGING
INTO SACRED BURIAL MOUNDS

OUT OF A RUDE CURIOSITY.

WE'RE SEEKING KEYS TO
UNDERSTANDING LOST SOCIETIES,

LOST CIVILIZATIONS.

WELL, IF YOU'RE SO
INTERESTED IN INDIANS,

WHY DON'T YOU TRY TALKING
TO A COUPLE LIVE ONES?

I'M NOT AN ANTHROPOLOGIST.

UH, DOC, YOU WANT TO
HAVE A SEAT OVER HERE

AND FINISH READING
YOUR COMPLAINT?

OH, THANK YOU, THANK YOU.

RIGHT HERE.

YOU GUYS MIGHT BE SURPRISED
IF YOU DUG IN OUR BRAINS

INSTEAD OF OUR BONES.

ALL RIGHT, MR. LONG.

AND THE LAW, FOR EXAMPLE.

WHO DO YOU THINK INSPIRED
THE ARTICLES OF CONFEDERATION

AND THE CONSTITUTION...
WASHINGTON?

JEFFERSON? FORGET IT.

IT WAS THE IROQUOIS, MAN.

REALLY?

YEAH, IT'S TRUE.

A SELF-GOVERNMENT BY
CHOSEN REPRESENTATIVES

FUNCTIONING IN AN
EFFECTIVE COMMON FORUM

IS FROM AN INDIAN CONCEPT.

YEAH?

THAT'S FASCINATING.

OF COURSE, THINGS
DON'T ALWAYS WORK OUT.

AND HOW ABOUT FOOD?

NO, THANK YOU.

I WOULD APPRECIATE A CUP OF TEA.

UH, I'M AFRAID WE
DON'T HAVE ANY WATER.

WHERE DO YOU THINK
YOU GOT TOMATOES,

POTATOES, AND
SQUASH... AND POPCORN?

OKAY, MR. LONG!

IF IT WASN'T FOR US, YOU
WOULDN'T BE SMOKING.

THANK YOU, MR. LONG.

NOW, DR. TRAVEN,
ABOUT THIS COMPLAINT.

YES.

I MEAN, OBVIOUSLY
YOU HAVE THE POWER

TO PUT MR. LONG IN JAIL.

JAILS... THAT WAS
YOUR CONTRIBUTION.

OKAY, YOU MADE YOUR POINT!

BUT, I MEAN, CONSIDERING
THE CIRCUMSTANCES...

I MEAN, YOU GOT YOUR
BONES BACK, YOU KNOW?

CAPTAIN, I, UH...

I WANT TO DO THE RIGHT THING.

MR. LONG?

DOCTOR...

WATER IN LIQUID FORM
EXISTS ONLY ON THIS PLANET.

AND MAN IS 60% WATER.

WITHOUT WATER, THERE'S NO LIFE.

DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?

WE'RE DESTROYING
OUR WATER SUPPLY.

YOU WANT TO GO TO JAIL?

OF COURSE. PEOPLE
HAVE TO BE REMINDED.

I UNDERSTAND.

I WILL PRESS
CHARGES AGAINST YOU.

THANK YOU.

YOU'RE VERY WELCOME.

PUT HIM AWAY, CAPTAIN.

HEY, BARNEY, LOOK WHAT I FOUND.

WHAT IS THIS?

IT'S A RIFLE. I FOUND
IT BEHIND THE WALL.

THIS THING MUST BE 50 YEARS OLD.

I'D SAY ABOUT 100.

IT LOOKS LIKE A
SPRINGFIELD BREECHLOADER,

CIRCA 1882 OR SO.

REALLY?

CAN I HAVE IT?

UH... WELL, IT'S UP TO
SERGEANT WOJCIEHOWICZ.

I'D LIKE TO DO A
LITTLE RESEARCH ON IT.

WHO ARE YOU?

I'M WITH THE MUSEUM. I
PROMISE I'LL BRING IT BACK.

OH. YEAH, I GUESS SO.

THANK YOU. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

EASY, EASY.

ALL WORK AND NO PLAY.

GOODBYE, CAPTAIN.

DR. TRAVEN.

UH, MR. LONG,

I LOOK FORWARD TO
SEEING YOU AT THE TRIAL.

RIGHT. TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF.

I'LL DO MY BEST.

FOR YOU, DOC.

THANK YOU.

WHAT A NICE GUY.

GILBERT?

WHAT DO YOU WANT?

THEY WANT ME TO
SIGN A COMPLAINT.

SO?

SO I DON'T THINK YOU'RE
REALLY A BAD LAD, GILBERT.

I JUST THINK YOU NEED TO
REDIRECT YOUR ENERGIES

TO SOMETHING MORE
CONSTRUCTIVE, MORE POSITIVE...

EVEN FUN.

LIKE WHAT?

YOU EVER BEEN TO
THE WOODS, GILBERT?

MAYBE.

WHY? WHO WANTS TO KNOW?

AH, JUST PICTURE IT...

TAKING A DIVE IN A COLD STREAM,

DRYING OURSELVES AROUND
THE MORNING CAMPFIRE

WHILE THE BACON AND
EGGS ARE CRACKLING

IN AN OLD IRON SKILLET.

COME ON, GILBERT...
JUST YOU AND ME.

YOU WANT ME TO GO TO
THE WOODS WITH YOU?

THAT'S IT.

JUST YOU AND ME?

AND ALL GOD'S CREATURES.

I THINK I KNOW THOSE
CREATURES, MAN.

ALWAYS TRYING TO BUMP UP
AGAINST ME ON THE SUBWAY.

THINGS LIKE THAT, HUH?

LOOK, SON...

I KNOW YOU'VE HAD A
DIFFICULT, DEPRIVED,

AND TRAUMATIC CHILDHOOD...

BUT ONE MORE SMUTTY
CRACK LIKE THAT,

AND I'M GONNA
SHOVE A TENT STAKE...

Barney: PROBLEMS, MR. LYNCH?

OH, NO, NO. NO PROBLEM.

NO. WE'RE JUST CHATTING.

IF YOU SIGN THE COMPLAINT,
YOU CAN BE ON YOUR WAY.

FINE.

WHAT ABOUT HIM?

MAN, DON'T WORRY ABOUT ME.

I'LL BE OUT OF HERE
BY THE WEEKEND.

OH, YEAH?

WELL, ME AND THE BEAVER PATROL

ARE HEADING ON UP TO
SENECA LAKE FRIDAY NIGHT.

YOU INTERESTED?

NO, MAN, I DOUBT IT.

WELL, SUIT YOURSELF.

BUT, UM, IF IT'LL MAKE
YOU FEEL ANY BETTER...

WHY DON'T YOU LEAVE
YOUR NUMBER WITH HIM?

GOOD SCOUT.

WELL, I DON'T
KNOW IF I REALLY...

HE'LL BE OUT IN 48 HOURS.

GOOD SCOUT.

HEY. ¿QUÉ PASA?

I'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR YOU.

YEAH, WELL, I HAD SOME
THINGS I HAD TO DO.

OH, OKAY. MUCHAS
GRACIAS, BIG GUY.

MR. SANCHEZ, WHAT
ABOUT THE AGUA?

AGUA IS FIXED. VERY GOOD.

OH, GOOD. WELL, WE
REALLY APPRECIATE IT.

THANK YOU.

PLEASE, NO TIP.

GOOD EVENING, SIR.

OH, LEVITT, I'M GLAD
TO SEE YOU'RE BACK.

WHY? IS THE TOILET OVERFLOWING?

LEVITT...

SORRY, SIR. JUST A
SLIGHT HOSTILITY LEAK.

LEVITT, I REALLY DON'T
UNDERSTAND WHY YOU'RE SO UPSET.

I SENT WOJO DOWN, TOO, DIDN'T I?

YEAH. IT'S NO BIG DEAL, LEVITT.

COME ON, EVERYBODY
GETS DIRTY SOMETIME...

EVEN HARRIS.

IT'S HARD TO BELIEVE, I KNOW.

YEAH, WELL, WHEN A
SERGEANT OR A CAPTAIN

WALLOWS AROUND IN THE
MUCK, IT'S KIND OF CUTE.

BUT I'M STILL TRYING
TO MAKE THE GRADE.

THIS WILL NOT
COMPROMISE YOUR POSITION.

I MEAN, I'VE BEEN PERFECTLY
SATISFIED BEING DOWNSTAIRS

BECAUSE AT LEAST I KNEW I
HAD NOWHERE TO GO BUT UP...

UNTIL TODAY.

I UNDERSTAND HOW YOU FEEL.

OH, GOOD. WONDERFUL.

OH, SURE.

YOU... BIG PERSONA...

CAPITÁN... MUCHO PELO.

YO CHIQUITICO,
PUERTORRIQUEÑO, CALVO,

AND IN MAINTENANCE.

ESTE CHIQUITICO TRABAJA DURO.

TIENE EL CORAZÓN DE UN LEÓN.

GIVE HIM A BREAK,
FOR GOD'S SAKE.

ADIOS, COMPADRE.

STICK TO YOUR PISTOLAS.

COULDN'T HAVE SAID
IT BETTER MYSELF, SIR.