Barney Miller (1975–1982): Season 8, Episode 16 - Inquiry - full transcript

GOOD... MORNING... EVERYBODY.

- Man: HI.
- MORNING.

THEY'RE IN YOUR OFFICE.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BARNEY.

HEY, BIG MOUTH, DID
YOU GET AN INVITATION?

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?

- SURPRISE.
- SURPRISE.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

THANK YOU.

WHO ASKED YOU TO BUTT
IN? YOU'RE A CRIMINAL.

YOU KNOW HIM PERSONALLY?



DO YOU WORK HERE?
DID YOU GET HIM A GIFT?

ALL RIGHT, LEVITT.

WHO IS HE?

LEWIS BEILIN...
BREAKING AND ENTERING.

AND PARTY POOPING.

Wojo: HEY, GUYS.

WHA... WHAT, DID
I MISS THE PARTY?

NO, WE'RE JUST PEAKING.

I'M SORRY, BARN.

I WAS CHECKING
THIS GUY FOR PRIORS.

FINE.

- UH, HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
- THANK YOU.

WE GOT YOU A PRESENT.

I FORGOT TO PICK IT UP.



I APPRECIATE THE
GESTURE. THANK YOU.

WELL, THAT WAS FUN.

YEAH, LET'S DO IT
AGAIN NEXT YEAR.

WELL?

- I'LL GET IT
THIS AFTERNOON.
- I MEANT HIM.

OH, HE BROKE INTO A
WAREHOUSE OVER ON CANAL.

HEY, COME ON. I KNOCKED.

WHEN WE PICKED HIM UP,

HE HAD LOADED A COUPLE
OF DOZEN CRATES IN HIS VAN.

CRATES OF WHAT?

A FEW BREASTS, MOSTLY THIGHS.

WHAT?

FROZEN CHICKEN, BARN.

PLANNING ON HAVING A
BARBECUE, MR. BEILIN?

I WAS JUST EXERCISING
MY RIGHTS AS AN AMERICAN.

BY BREAKING AND ENTERING?

I MEAN, IT'S A
GOVERNMENT WAREHOUSE

PILED UP TO THE RAFTERS
WITH GOVERNMENT FOOD,

AND I'M A CITIZEN.

THAT'S AN INTERESTING CONCEPT.

IT'S VERY NEW.

SIT DOWN.

LOOK, THE STUFF IS
JUST SITTING THERE,

AND IT'S GONNA KEEP ON
SITTING THERE TILL IT ROTS.

AND THEN THEY'RE GONNA TOSS
IT INTO SOME GARBAGE DUMP

AND LEAVE IT FOR THE RATS.

AND YOU WERE TRYING TO STEAL IT.

OH, SURE. AVOID THE ISSUE.

SIT DOWN.

BARNEY, THAT WAS DISPATCH.

THERE'S A DISTURBANCE
IN A NEWSPAPER OFFICE.

YOU AND HARRIS.

UH, YOU STILL GONNA PICK
UP BARNEY'S BAGPIPES?

Barney: BYE, DIETRICH.

WAIT TILL HE SEES THE KILTS.

- SIR.
- HMM.

ANY MANY HAPPY RETURNS.

THANK YOU.

I'LL REMEMBER THIS.

- HE'S RIGHT.
- HUH?

HE WAS RIGHT, BEILIN.

I CALLED DOWN AT THE WAREHOUSE.

THE GUY TOLD ME THE GOVERNMENT
LEASED THE PLACE SIX MONTHS AGO.

STUFFED IT FULL OF
SURPLUS CHICKEN.

IT WAS JUST SITTING THERE.

IT'S RIDICULOUS, ISN'T IT?

WITH PEOPLE GOING
HUNGRY OUT THERE.

YEAH, IT DOES SEEM
A LITTLE STRANGE.

SEEMS LIKE WE OUGHT
TO DO SOMETHING.

WHAT DID YOU HAVE IN MIND, WOJO?

I DON'T KNOW.

JUST SOMETHING.

YOU THINK PERHAPS THIS IS
THE PRESIDENT'S RESPONSIBILITY?

SUPPOSE NOBODY
TELLS HIM ABOUT IT.

COME ON, YOU GUYS. HE COULDN'T FIND
SOMEBODY WHO LIKES HIS NAME IN THE PAPER?

IT WAS RESPONSIBLE INFORMATION
FROM A HIGHLY RELIABLE SOURCE.

HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY.

TAKE IT EASY. WHAT
HAVE WE GOT HERE?

ASSAULT AND BATTERY...
THIS IS WENDELL BERGENDAHL.

THAT'S ANDREW
JESSEL, CUB REPORTER.

WHEN WE GOT TO THE CITY ROOM,

WE FOUND THESE TWO
GRAPPLING AROUND ON THE FLOOR.

AFTER HE LOOSENED
A FEW OF MY TEETH.

NOT BAD FOR A
CADAVER, EH, DIRT HEAD?

WHAT'S HAPPENING TO OUR SOCIETY?

I MEAN, THIS BLIND HOSTILITY
AND IT'S FUELED BY STRESS

AND DISCONTENT.

AND IT BREEDS VIOLENCE.

APPARENTLY.

THE FIGHT STARTED
WHEN MR. JESSEL

REFUSED TO COOPERATE
WITH MR. BERGENDAHL.

I JUST WANTED A
SIMPLE RETRACTION.

HE TOLD ME TO TAKE OUT AN AD.

IT DOESN'T NEED A RETRACTION.

RETRACTION OF WHAT?

HIS OBITUARY.

I REST MY CASE.

IRONIC, HUH?

I'M IN MY KITCHEN THIS
MORNING EATING A BOWL OF LIFE,

TURNED THE PAGE, I
READ THAT I'M DEAD!

APPARENTLY THERE ARE A COUPLE

OF WENDELL BERGENDAHLS
RUNNING AROUND.

WELL, CAN I HELP THAT?

I MEAN, I'M JUST SITTING THERE,

I'M JUGGLING FUNERAL HOMES,

AND I'M TRYING TO
BEAT THE DEADLINE.

AND SUDDENLY THIS GUY COMES IN

AND HE PUNCHES ME IN THE FACE.

BY 8:30 THIS MORNING,

FOUR REALTORS WANT
TO SHOW MY APARTMENT.

AND WHEN MY MOTHER
READS IT, SHE ALMOST DID DIE.

I MEAN, I JUST WANT PEOPLE
TO KNOW THAT I'M STILL AROUND.

WELL, I'M CONVINCED.

ALL RIGHT. WE'RE GONNA NEED
SOME STATEMENTS. GENTLEMEN?

YOU WANT THE STIFF?

SURPRISE ME.

YOU KNOW THAT NEVER WORKS.

MR. BERGENDAHL, YOU WANT TO
HAVE A SEAT RIGHT OVER THERE?

MR. JESSEL, JUST HAVE A SEAT...

SO ANYWAY, ONE DAY AT
THE CAMPUS BOOKSTORE,

I JUST HAPPENED
TO PICK UP A COPY

OF "ALL THE PRESIDENT'S MEN."

OH, ONCE I STARTED, I
JUST COULDN'T STOP.

THE CUNNING INVESTIGATIVE WORK,

AND THE HOPPING PLANES

ON A MOMENT'S NOTICE
TO PURSUE A LEAD,

AND THE CLANDESTINE
MEETINGS IN GARAGES,

AND LIVING ON COFFEE
AND CIGARETTES...

WELL, I DECIDED THEN

IT WAS THE ONLY THING I
WANTED TO DO WITH MY LIFE.

SO I WORK MY TAIL OFF, I
GRADUATE WITH HONORS,

AND THE NEXT THING I KNOW,
I'M STUCK IN SOME DINGY CORNER

SHARING A PHONE WITH
THE ASSISTANT FOOD EDITOR

AND COPYING BIOGRAPHIES
OF BORING DEAD PEOPLE

WHILE THE REAL REPORTERS
JUST WALK BY AND SNICKER.

YOU KNOW, I KEEP ASKING
MYSELF, "WHAT AM I DOING WRONG?"

- HAVE ONE?
- I DON'T SMOKE.

WELL, SEE, THERE YOU GO.

YES, SIR, CAN I HELP YOU?

HERB LUND, DEPARTMENT
OF AGRICULTURE.

HOW YOU DOING?

YOU CALLED ABOUT A PROBLEM
WITH ONE OF OUR WAREHOUSES.

UH-HUH. CAPTAIN?

YES, CAN I HELP YOU?

HERB LUND, DEPARTMENT
OF AGRICULTURE.

THERE'S A PROBLEM WITH
ONE OF OUR WAREHOUSES.

IT'S THE CHEESE AGAIN, ISN'T IT?

- CHICKEN.
- CHICKEN?

OH, UH, SO, UH, WHO'S
SERGEANT WOJOWOSKY?

WOJCIEHOWICZ.

IT SAYS WOJOWOSKY.

THAT'S WOJCIEHOWICZ.

- WOJCIEHOWICZ.
- WOJCIEHOWICZ.

YEAH?

SERGEANT, THERE'S
SOMEONE HERE TO SEE YOU.

UH-HUH?

HERB LUND, DEPARTMENT
OF AGRICULTURE.

THERE'S A PROBLEM WITH
ONE OF OUR WAREHOUSES.

WELL, SOMEONE
FROM THE GOVERNMENT

HAD TO COME DOWN
AND SIGN A COMPLAINT.

REALLY?

HOW ABOUT THOSE MEDFLIES, HUH?

WE'RE ALSO A LITTLE CURIOUS,
MR. LUND, ABOUT THAT CHICKEN

THAT YOU'VE GOT STORED
AT THE WAREHOUSE.

WOJO.

JUST AS LONG AS HE'S HERE.

WHAT ABOUT THE
CHICKEN, SERGEANT?

WELL, IT'S JUST THAT
IT SEEMS SO STRANGE

THAT YOU'VE GOT
ALL THIS FOOD THERE,

AND THERE ARE PEOPLE
WHO REALLY NEED IT.

FINE.

WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO ABOUT IT?

UH, WE HAVE NO IMMEDIATE PLANS.

THEN WHAT DID YOU BUY
IT FOR IN THE FIRST PLACE?

LOOK, I'M SURE YOU'RE
VERY CONCERNED.

I JUST DON'T HAVE THE TIME

TO SIT HERE AND EXPLAIN THE
KIND SYSTEM OF PRICE SUPPORTS.

UH-HUH.

EVEN THE MOST BASIC FUNDAMENTALS
OF SUPPLIED SIDE ECONOMICS

ARE VERY DIFFICULT FOR THE
ORDINARY PERSON TO UNDERSTAND.

TRY US.

WHEN THERE IS AN OVERABUNDANCE
OF CERTAIN FOODSTUFFS,

IT IS OUR RESPONSIBILITY
TO PURCHASE THE EXCESS

SO AS NOT TO DRIVE THE
WHOLESALE PRICE DOWN

TO THE POINT WHERE THE
FARMING COMMUNITY WOULD SUFFER.

OKAY.

THEN UNDER SUITABLE
CONDITIONS WE DISTRIBUTE IT

TO PRISONS, SCHOOL SYSTEMS,
THE CANAL ZONE, ETC. ETC. ETC.

THANK YOU FOR YOUR
EXPLANATION, MR. LUND.

WAIT A MINUTE.

- OH, PLEASE.
- WOJO.

LOOK, I JUST THINK

THEY OUGHT TO GET
OFF THE DIME HERE, BARN.

I MEAN, ALL OF THIS DOESN'T
MEAN ANYTHING IF THE STUFF ROTS.

THEY'VE HAD IT FOR SIX MONTHS.

REMEMBER WHEN I LEFT
THAT CHICKEN SANDWICH

IN MY LOCKER FOR THREE DAYS?

HEY, YOU WANT MY JOB?

YOU WANT A TRUCKLOAD OF
FORMS TO PROCESS, SIX-DAY WEEKS,

AN OFFICE KNEE-HIGH IN
BUREAUCRATIC SEWAGE?

THIS YEAR, HALF
THE FLORIDA CITRUS

HAS TURNED INTO SNOWBALLS.

REAGAN IS ABOUT TO
DUMP A THIRD OF MY STAFF,

AND THERE IS TALK NOW
OF A NEW GRAIN EMBARGO.

AND YESTERDAY, MY
14-YEAR-OLD SHAVED HIS HEAD!

WOJO, UH... BARN.

JUST PROCESS THE
COMPLAINT, ALL RIGHT?

YEAH, SURE.

UH, HAVE A SEAT,
PLEASE, MR. LUND.

THANK YOU.

MAY I HELP YOU?

I'M MRS. WENDELL BERGENDAHL.

I'M LOOKING FOR MY HUSBAND.

HE'S IN THERE.

UH, HE'S NOT MINE.

HE'S THE ONLY ONE WE GOT.

JUST A COINCIDENCE, I SUPPOSE.

EXCUSE ME. BARNEY.

HMM?

GOT A LIVE ONE.

CAN I HELP YOU?
I'M CAPTAIN MILLER.

I'M RUTH BERGENDAHL. MY
HUSBAND'S NAME IS WENDELL.

AH, IN THE CAGE.

NO, NO... IN THE PAPER.

OH, I'M TERRIBLY SORRY.

WELL, I'M REALLY
NOT SURE IT'S HIM.

WE WERE SEPARATED
THREE YEARS AGO.

HE RAN OFF WITH THE NEIGHBOR'S
FOREIGN-EXCHANGE STUDENT.

I SEE.

I GOT OVER IT.

WELL, GOOD.

I WAS GRANTED A DIVORCE.

I GOT ALIMONY AND
HIS LIFE INSURANCE.

SO FAR, I HAVEN'T BEEN
ABLE TO COLLECT ON EITHER.

WELL, THAT'S... LIFE.

YEAH.

I CALLED THE PAPER.

THEY TOLD ME HE WAS
BROUGHT OVER HERE.

WELL... WELL, IF THAT'S NOT HIM,

MAYBE I'LL GET LUCKY
ON THE OTHER ONE.

YEAH, KEEP A GOOD THOUGHT.

UM, I REALLY DON'T
KNOW WHAT TO DO NOW.

WHO DO I TALK TO?

WHY DON'T YOU GET ON THE PHONE,

SEE IF YOU CAN GET SOME MORE
INFORMATION FROM DOWNTOWN?

SERGEANT DIETRICH
WILL BE GLAD TO HELP YOU.

THANK YOU. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

OH, IS THERE SOMEPLACE I
COULD GO TO FRESHEN UP?

UH, NO, BUT WE HAVE A BATHROOM.

THANK YOU.

PARDON ME, ARE YOU REALLY
MRS. WENDELL BERGENDAHL?

YES.

I NEVER THOUGHT THERE'D EVER BE

A MRS. WENDELL BERGENDAHL.

OH, YOU'RE NOT MARRIED?

NO. I GUESS I WAS BUSY.

I HOPE ANYWAY THAT
YOU REALLY FIND HIM.

THANK YOU.

YOU KNOW, I...

NICE TO MEET YOU.

YOU TOO.

HEY, YOU KNOW, JUST
OUT OF CURIOSITY,

DID HE LOOK ANYTHING LIKE ME?

NO, NOT EXACTLY.

WELL, I GUESS HE HAD TO
BE DIFFERENT SOMEWHERE.

ONCE HE TOLD ME

THAT HE HAD SLEPT WITH ALL
THE WOMEN IN OUR BUILDING.

OH.

IT'S A HIGH-RISE.

WHY WOULD HE DO THAT?

I MEAN, YOU SEEM SO NICE.

HOLD THAT THOUGHT.

YOU KNOW, SERGEANT,
I CAN'T HELP THINKING

THAT UNDER DIFFERENT
CIRCUMSTANCES,

WE COULD HAVE BEEN FRIENDS.

OH, YEAH?

NOT THAT I DON'T
HAVE ANY FRIENDS.

I'M SURE THEY CALL.

I'M JUST OUT IN THE
FIELD ALL THE TIME.

LOOK, I UNDERSTAND THAT
THERE'S CERTAIN VALIDITY

TO WHAT YOU'RE SAYING,
BUT YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.

THERE'S NOTHING
I CAN DO ABOUT IT.

IS THAT REALLY TRUE?

WHO ARE YOU?

HE'S A NEWSPAPER REPORTER.

I MEAN, IF YOU
REALLY FEEL THAT WAY,

WHY DON'T YOU JUST
OPEN UP THE WAREHOUSE

AND START PASSING IT OUT?

HEH! WHAT, TO ANYBODY?

THEY DON'T HAVE ANY FORMS.

SO GIVE THEM SOME.

YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT
YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.

DO YOU REALIZE HOW MUCH
TIME THAT WOULD TAKE?

WELL, FOR ALL THE TIME YOU'VE
BEEN SITTING HERE TALKING,

A FEW DOZEN HUNGRY KIDS
COULD HAVE HAD SOMETHING TO EAT,

OR DON'T YOU THINK
ABOUT THINGS LIKE THAT?

YES, I THINK ABOUT
THINGS LIKE THAT.

WHAT, YOU DON'T
THINK I HAVE FEELINGS?

YOU DON'T THINK I
GET FRUSTRATED?

YOU DON'T THINK THERE'S DAYS

I'D LIKE TO PITCH THE BOOK OF
REGULATIONS OUT THE WINDOW?

THEN WHY DON'T YOU?

BECAUSE THAT WOULD BE... HEROIC.

I'D LIKE TO BE A HERO.
IT'D BE NICE TO BE A HERO.

HERB LUND... HERO.

I'M NOT A HERO, ALL RIGHT?

ANYWAY, AFTER HE
LEFT, I WAS A TOTAL MESS.

IF IT WEREN'T FOR THE CHILDREN,

I PROBABLY WOULD
HAVE FALLEN APART.

IT MUST BE NICE
TO HAVE CHILDREN.

OH... YES.

I PLAYED WITH SOME ONCE.

SO, WHAT SORT OF WORK DO YOU DO?

OH, ME?

LITTLE OF THIS, LITTLE OF THAT.

I MANUFACTURE SLEEPWEAR.

REALLY? FOR HOW LONG?

OH, LET ME SEE...
ROUGHLY MY WHOLE LIFE.

MUST BE VERY EXCITING.

KEEPS ME AWAKE.

YOU LIKE THAT?

OF COURSE.

I TOSS THAT OUT AT
PARTIES ALL THE TIME.

I TELL THAT TO
EVERYBODY, THEN I LEAVE.

YOU DO?

YEAH.

I GUESS I CAN NEVER THINK OF
ANYTHING MORE TO TALK ABOUT.

I HAVE OVER 30 NEGLIGEES.

HI.

ANDY, LOOK, I...

THIS WILL JUST TAKE A MINUTE.

I GOT TO TALK TO MY EDITOR.

HELLO, LOU.

OH, COME ON.

I GET A LOT OF THAT.

WE'RE ALL SET HERE NOW, BARN.

GREAT.

WE APPRECIATE YOUR
COOPERATION, MR. LUND.

CAPTAIN, I'M ONLY SORRY

I WASN'T BETTER ABLE
TO ACCOMMODATE YOU.

YEAH, I'M SURE YOU ARE.

RIGHT.

MAY I SIGN SOMETHING NOW?

YES.

EXCUSE ME, THAT'S THE
CANAL WAREHOUSE, RIGHT?

WHY, WHO WANTS TO KNOW?

- MY EDITOR.
- OH, MY GOD.

HELLO, REWRITE. LISTEN, I
GOT SOME FEED FOR YOU HERE.

HEY, WHAT THE HELL DO
YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?

ALL RIGHT, THIS IS IT.

"UNCLE SAM HOARDS DRUMSTICKS
WHILE CUTTING WELFARE TO BONE."

- IT WRITES ITSELF.
- YOU CAN'T DO THIS.

THEY'LL BE SWARMING
ALL OVER THE PLACE.

"YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ONLY
FIND CHICKEN IN SUPERMARKETS,

BUT THIS REPORTER HAS
SOME CHILLING FACTS."

WILL YOU LISTEN TO
ME? I'LL LOSE MY JOB.

I'VE GOT A WIFE! I'VE GOT
AN UNBALANCED CHILD!

HEY, IT'S BIG.

AND I'LL HAVE IT READY
FOR THE MORNING EDITION.

HE'S CRAZY. YOU GOT TO
STOP HIM. I'LL PRESS CHARGES.

HEY, FIRST AMENDMENT...
FREEDOM OF THE PRESS.

IT'S THE GOVERNMENT.

AND THAT'S ONLY THE
TIP OF THE ICEBERG.

YOU SAID YOU GUYS GOT
SOME BUTTER, TOO, RIGHT?

NOTHING... YOU'LL GET
NOTHING OUT OF ME.

PLEASE, LOOK, JUST
TRUST ME, WILL YOU?

TRUST ME. YOU'RE JOHN DOE.

THAT'S NOT THE POINT.

THE POINT IS I HAVE
A RESPONSIBILITY

TO THE SYSTEM, TO THE PEOPLE.

WE HAVE GUIDELINES TO ADHERE TO.

WE HAVE LOYALTIES.

WE HAVE PRECEPTS.

WE HAVE RULES!

And we have peanut
butter in New Jersey.

WAIT! THEY GOT PEANUT BUTTER.

- WHAT AM I DOING?
- YOU'RE DOING GREAT. GO FOR IT.

CANNED BEETS IN RHODE ISLAND...

CANNED BEATS.

RAISINS IN OHIO... RAISINS.

DRY MILK... WE GOT
DRY MILK IN 20 STATES...

HA! THEY GOT DRY MILK.

AND ENOUGH AVOCADOS TO
FILL THE ROSE BOWL TWICE.

AVOCADOS!

- WATER.
- OVER HERE.

NO, I'M TELLING YOU,

THIS COMES FROM AN
UNIMPEACHABLE SOURCE.

RIGHT. MOVE IT, RIGHT.

OH, LOOK, AND DON'T
FORGET THE BYLINE...

ANDREW P. JESSEL.

I GOT TO GO. I GOT
BUTTER IN STATEN ISLAND.

WELL, LISTEN,

TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF,
MR. LUND, ALL RIGHT?

YEAH.

I THINK I'LL TAKE THE FERRY...

WALK UP TO THE BOW
AND JUST STAND THERE

STRAIGHT, PROUD,
LOOKING STRAIGHT AHEAD,

JUST LET THE WIND
BLOW IN MY FACE.

THEN I'M GONNA GET REALLY SICK.

IT'S FUNNY.

I WAS SORT OF EXPECTING
TO SEE MY HUSBAND AGAIN.

I GUESS I DISAPPOINTED YOU, HUH?

OH, NO, I ENJOYED... EXCUSE ME.

THE WENDELL
BERGENDAHL IN THE PAPER

WAS CLAIMED BY HIS
SISTER THIS MORNING.

MINE DIDN'T HAVE A SISTER.

OH. WELL, I GUESS
THAT KILLS THAT.

I GUESS IT DOES.

I ALSO CHECKED DOWNTOWN.

THEY GOT FILES ON A
WENDELL R. BERGENDAHL

IN ALBUQUERQUE, ONE IN
SEATTLE, TWO IN DETROIT,

AND ONE IN HELENA, MONTANA.

YOU'RE KIDDING.

WERE ANY OF THEM KEEPING
COMPANY WITH A KOREAN?

I DIDN'T ASK.

OH, OF COURSE.

WELL, I GUESS YOU'LL
KEEP LOOKING FOR HIM, HUH?

I SUPPOSE.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW
WHERE MONTANA IS.

I THINK YOU GO TO
COLORADO... AND ASK.

THOUGHT I'D TRY
ANOTHER ONE OUT ON YOU.

OH, BYE, MR. BERGENDAHL.

BYE, MRS. BERGENDAHL.

HAS KIND OF A RING TO IT.

OH, YEAH.

MAYBE I CAN CALL
YOU ON THE PHONE.

I COULD, YOU KNOW,
SEE YOU SOMETIME.

HOW?

WELL, I'M NOT GONNA
BE IN HERE FOREVER.

HOW LONG DO YOU FIGURE?

MAYBE THIS AFTERNOON.

WHAT DID YOU DO?

I HIT SOMEBODY.

A WOMAN?

NO.

555-4349.

555-4349.

YOU DOG, YOU.

JUNK MAIL CALL.

- RON.
- THANK YOU.

ART.

THANK YOU, CARL.

OF COURSE, THE BIRTHDAY BOY.

THANK YOU.

SO IT'S ALL DOWNHILL
FROM HERE, HUH, SIR?

NOT THAT IT'S A SHORT
SLOPE OR ANYTHING.

I GET THE MESSAGE.

I GUESS I OWE YOU GUYS AN
APOLOGY FOR THIS MORNING.

YOU MAY HAVE NOTICED MY LACK
OF ENTHUSIASM FOR THIS DATE.

NO KIDDING, SIR.

WHEN I THINK ABOUT
IT, IT'S PROBABLY TRUE.

I DON'T WANT TO BE REMINDED

THAT IT'S ALL GOING
BY SO FAST, YOU KNOW?

I UNDERSTAND THAT, SIR.

WE JUST THOUGHT THAT BY
THROWING A LITTLE PARTY,

WE MIGHT BE ABLE TO GET
YOUR MIND OFF OF THINGS.

THAT MAKES ABSOLUTELY
NO SENSE, YOU KNOW.

I KNOW, SIR.

BUT I'M GRATEFUL FOR
THE GESTURE, IN ANY CASE.

HOWEVER, I WOULD APPRECIATE IT

IF WE JUST FORGOT
ABOUT THE CALENDAR

AND GOT BACK TO
SOME BUSINESS, HUH?

SURE.

YOUR PRESENT, SIR.

I DIDN'T SAY FROM WHO.

HEY, THAT'S REALLY NICE.

THERE'S MORE, SIR.

OH.

ALL RIGHT, ANY HINTS?

WELL, IT'S NOT YOUR KILTS.

"FROM THE DESK
OF BARNEY MELNICK."

LEVITT.

THAT'S NOT WHAT I TOLD HIM.

DIDN'T YOU LOOK AT IT
WHEN YOU PICKED THEM UP?

THEY WERE ALREADY WRAPPED!

IT'S OKAY, IT'S OKAY. I
CAN TAKE THEM BACK.

I DON'T KNOW. I LIKE THEM.