Barney Miller (1975–1982): Season 8, Episode 13 - Hunger Strike - full transcript

RIGHT IN HERE.

- MNOGO UPAV DEN?
- YES.

MNOGO UPAV DEN.

WE'LL GET THAT DOWN
IN YOUR STATEMENT.

HAVE A SEAT RIGHT THERE.

UH-UH-UH-UH-UH, BACK
OVER THERE, DEAR.

THAT'S RIGHT.

EVERYONE WILL BE MUCH HAPPIER.

I THINK SHE LIKES YOU.

THEY ALL DO.

PICKED HER UP ON LEXINGTON.



SHE WALKED OUT OF THE
FLOWER SHOP WITH THOSE.

ACCORDING TO HER BRACELET,

SHE'S A RESIDENT OF
THE PSYCHIATRIC HOSPITAL

A COUPLE OF BLOCKS
FROM THE SHOP.

HM. FINE.

JUST KEEP HER
FACING THAT WAY, HUH?

MNOGO UPAV DEN.

AH, SO TRUE.

- GOOD MORNING, GENTLEMEN.
- LEVITT.

CAPTAIN IN YET?

AFRAID NOT.

I WAS HOPING HE'D BE
HERE WHEN I POSTED THIS.

WHY? WHAT IS IT?

OH, IT'S JUST THE
PROMOTION BULLETIN



ANNOUNCING THE CANDIDATES

FOR DEPUTY INSPECTOR SPRING '82,

HEADING THE LIST OF WHICH
IS THE NAME MILLER, BERNARD J.

OH.

HARRIS, THAT'S WHAT
THE PHYSICAL'S ABOUT.

YOU GOT TO HAVE ONE WHEN
YOU'RE UP FOR A PROMOTION.

THANK YOU, WOJO.

MORNING, GENTLEMEN.

- SIR.
- BARN.

SOMETHING GOING DOWN?

NO, SIR, BUT SOMEONE
MAY BE GOING UP.

DEPUTY INSPECTOR LIST CAME OUT.

YOU'RE ON IT.

OH.

THEY CALLED FROM DOWNTOWN.

YOU HAVE AN APPOINTMENT
FOR A PHYSICAL AT NOON.

OH, THANK YOU.

OKAY.

DISTURBANCE IN
WASHINGTON SQUARE.

UH, YOU AND HARRIS.

GOOD GOING.

UH, SIR, I'LL POST THIS,

ALONG WITH THE
LESSER ANNOUNCEMENTS.

FINE.

ONCE AGAIN, MY HEARTFELT
CONGRATULATIONS

ON YOUR NOMINATION.

THANK YOU.

IF IT COULDN'T BE ME, I
WAS GLAD IT WAS YOU.

GOOD MORNING.

MNOGO UPAV DEN?

RECOGNIZE ANYONE YET?

NECKOY ZEBIB MATCHKDA.

NECKOY ZEBIB MATCHKDA.

YEAH, WELL, UM, LET'S
KEEP A GOOD THOUGHT.

THERE'S NO TALKING TO HER.

WHAT?

DOCTOR I TALKED TO SAID

IT'S SOME KIND OF
GIBBERISH SHE INVENTED.

SHE'S A RESIDENT OF THE
EASTSIDE PSYCHIATRIC CENTER.

SHE WANDERED OFF
DURING THE FIRE DRILL.

SOMEBODY'S COMING
OVER TO PICK HER UP.

APPRECIATE YOU
TAKING CARE OF HER.

OKAY, YOU WANT TO
STEP RIGHT IN HERE,

PLEASE, MR. BISHOP?

I'M A LITTLE WEAK, BUT
I'LL TRY AND MAKE IT.

WELL, THAT'S ALL WE ASK.

WHAT HAVE WE GOT HERE?

HIS NAME IS PHILIP BISHOP...

TRESPASSING, CREATING
A PUBLIC NUISANCE.

HE CHAINED HIMSELF TO THE FENCE

OVER ON WASHINGTON SQUARE.

WE GOT HIM UNLOCKED
AND TOLD HIM TO GO HOME,

AND, WELL, YOU CAN'T
TALK TO THIS GUY.

I WANTED TO BE ARRESTED.

GLAD WE COULD BE
OF SERVICE, MR. BISHOP.

HE WAS SCREAMING AT
ALL THE FOOD VENDERS.

BUT THEY WERE
TAUNTING ME, TEMPTING ME,

TRYING TO GET ME
TO EAT SOMETHING.

YOU SEE, MR. BISHOP
IS ON A HUNGER STRIKE.

THEY KEPT SAYING THINGS
LIKE, "EAT A HOT DOG."

"TRY A FALAFEL."

ONE GUY EVEN HAD CHESTNUTS
ROASTING ON AN OPEN FIRE.

BUT I DIDN'T GIVE INTO THEM,

AND I'M NOT GOING TO

UNTIL THINGS ARE SET STRAIGHT.

WHAT THINGS WOULD
THOSE BE, MR. BISHOP?

HERE, SHOW HIM THE LIST.

MR. BISHOP HAS DRAWN
UP A LIST OF DEMANDS

WHICH ARE CERTAINLY
FOOD FOR THOUGHT.

I WANT TO PUT A HALT

TO THE NUCLEAR
BUILDUP IN EUROPE.

I WANT THE CAMP DAVID AGREEMENT

PUT BACK ON TRACK.

I WANT AN IMMIGRATION
VISA FOR ANDREI SAKHAROV.

AND I WANT MY
CLEANING DEPOSIT BACK.

APPARENTLY, MR. BISHOP
HAS A BONE TO PICK

WITH THE OWNER OF
HIS APARTMENT BUILDING.

YOU'RE DARN RIGHT.

LOOK, I HAVE KEPT THAT
PLACE SPOTLESSLY CLEAN.

EVEN JOAN CRAWFORD
WOULD BE HAPPY.

OH... AND NOW, ALL OF A SUDDEN,

THEY'RE TELLING ME THAT MY
DEPOSIT IS NONREFUNDABLE.

WELL, LOOK, I HAPPEN TO
BE A PERSON OF INTEGRITY,

AND I'M TELLING
YOU... I'M TELLING YOU...

TAKE IT EASY, TAKE IT EASY.

I'M SORRY.

I-I GOT A LITTLE DIZZY.

I WAS HALLUCINATING
THIS MORNING.

HOW LONG HAS IT BEEN
SINCE YOU'VE EATEN?

I HAVE NOT PUT A MORSEL
OF FOOD IN MY BODY

SINCE 5:30 YESTERDAY AFTERNOON.

ALL RIGHT, I HAD A V8.

SERGEANT WOJCIEHOWICZ IS
GOING TO NEED SOME INFORMATION.

FINE, BUT I PROMISE YOU,

I DON'T CARE WHAT
YOU SAY, WHAT YOU TRY.

I AM NOT GOING TO EAT.

- YOU DON'T GET TO.
- HUH?

YOU'RE NOT GOING TO BE
HERE LONG ENOUGH FOR A MEAL.

OH...

GOOD.

GO AHEAD. EAT IN FRONT OF ME.

I DON'T CARE.

YOU WANT ONE?

I'LL EAT A DOUGHNUT WHEN
EUROPE IS NUCLEAR FREE.

MIGHT BE GONE BY THEN.

SO MIGHT EUROPE.

THEY DON'T TALK ANYMORE

ABOUT MUTUALLY
ASSURED DESTRUCTION

AS A DETERRENT ANYMORE.

NOW THE GOOD OLD BOYS
OVER AT THE PENTAGON

ARE THINKING THEY CAN
HAVE A LIMITED NUCLEAR WAR

AND WIN IT.

NOW THEY'RE STICKING MORE
MISSILES OVER IN EUROPE

THAT ARE DEADLIER AND DEADLIER.

IT'S GOT TO BE STOPPED.

OKAY.

SO WHAT ARE YOU GONNA
DO ABOUT THE RUSSIANS

AND ALL OF THEIR MISSILES?

I WROTE THEM A LETTER.

THEY HAVEN'T GOTTEN
BACK TO ME YET.

MM-HMM?

I FINISHED THE DeFALCO REPORT.

OH, THANK YOU.

OH, LISTEN, IF YOU WANT,
I'LL HANDLE THINGS HERE

WHILE YOU'RE TAKING
YOUR PHYSICAL.

IT'S OKAY.

REALLY, I DON'T MIND.

IT WON'T BE NECESSARY.

I'LL SIT OUT THERE.

YES?

EXCUSE ME, THERE'S
A DR. PACKER HERE.

DON'T YOU THINK THAT WE, AS
PSYCHIATRIC PROFESSIONALS,

ARE IN A BETTER
POSITION THAN YOU

TO DEAL WITH MS. SMITH'S
MENTAL CONDITION?

NO, I DON'T.

I HAPPEN TO HAVE A PhD

AND A MASTERS DEGREE
IN ABNORMAL PSYCHOLOGY.

DO YOU, SERGEANT?

YES, I DO.

YOU GOT IT ON YOU?

UH, DOCTOR, I'M CAPTAIN MILLER.

I'M DR. MICHAEL PACKER,
EASTSIDE PSYCHIATRIC CENTER.

PROBLEM, DIETRICH?

NO, JUST A LITTLE
PROFESSIONAL DISAGREEMENT.

UH, I'VE BEEN TRYING TO
EXPLAIN TO YOUR MAN HERE

THAT MS. SMITH SUFFERS
FROM AN ACUTE FORM

OF SCHIZOPHRENIA.

AND, THEREFORE,

SHE IS TOTALLY "UNRESPONSIBLE"
FOR HER ACTIONS.

I DON'T BUY THAT.

HE DOESN'T BUY THAT?

I TALKED TO ANOTHER
DOCTOR AT THE HOSPITAL.

SHE'S BEEN INSTITUTIONALIZED
FOR OVER 20 YEARS,

SHUFFLED FROM ONE
PLACE TO ANOTHER.

MAYBE NOBODY EVER
REALLY TRIED TO TREAT HER.

AND MAYBE THAT'S BECAUSE

WE'VE DETERMINED
SHE'S UNTREATABLE.

I THINK SHE HAS THE
ABILITY TO COMMUNICATE.

DIETRICH.

AS I'VE ALREADY EXPLAINED
TO SERGEANT DIETRICH,

THE GIBBERISH SHE USES

IS WHAT WE IN PSYCHIATRY
REFER TO AS VERBIGERATION.

IT'S THE REPEATING OF
SENSELESS RHYMES AND PHRASES.

IT'S A CLASSIC SYMPTOM OF
HYPOPHRENIC SCHIZOPHRENIA,

AND IT MEANS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.

WE SHOULD LOOK INTO
IT A LITTLE FURTHER.

CAPTAIN.

WHAT IS THE STATUS
OF MS. SMITH'S ARREST?

THE FLORIST IS PRESSING CHARGES.

I'M AFRAID, DOCTOR,

THAT MS. SMITH WILL HAVE
TO REMAIN IN CUSTODY

UNTIL BAIL IS POSTED,

AT WHICH POINT SHE WILL
BE RELEASED IMMEDIATELY.

SERGEANT DIETRICH WILL
GIVE YOU ALL THE DETAILS.

THANK YOU.

I'M GONNA TAKE BISHOP DOWN
FOR PICTURES AND PRINTS.

FINE.

UH, AREN'T YOU SUPPOSED
TO BE OVER THERE

FOR YOUR PHYSICAL AT 12:00?

YES, I AM.

SO I GUESS YOU JUST DON'T
WANT TO SHOW UP EARLY,

APPEAR OVER-EAGER.

MR. BISHOP IS WAITING.

RIGHT.

MAIL CALL.

WHY, SIR, IT'S ALMOST
QUARTER TO THE HOUR.

ANY OF THAT STUFF FOR ME?

YOU'LL BE LATE
FOR YOUR PHYSICAL.

I'M NOT GOING!

I'M NOT GOING BECAUSE I'VE
DECIDED TO REMOVE MY NAME

FROM CONSIDERATION
FOR DEPUTY INSPECTOR.

SHOOTING FOR COMMISSIONER?

I GUESS NOT.

I WAITED 10 MINUTES.

AND I APPRECIATE THAT.

UH, DIETRICH WENT OUT.

HE SAID HE WAS
GOING UP TO COLUMBIA

TO TALK TO SOMEBODY
ABOUT MRS. MALAPROP.

AND I PROMISED HIM
THAT I'D STALL THE DOCTOR

UNTIL HE GOT BACK.

OKAY. FINE.

LOOK, IF YOU'D REALLY
RATHER NOT TALK ABOUT IT...

I'D REALLY RATHER
NOT TALK ABOUT IT.

OKAY.

LOOK, I JUST DECIDED
I'M NOT GONNA LET THEM

JERK ME AROUND ANYMORE.

THREE TIMES I'VE BEEN
PASSED OVER FOR THIS THING...

'75, '78, '80.

I MEAN, WHAT'S THE POINT

OF PUTTING MYSELF
THROUGH IT ALL OVER AGAIN?

SENTIMENTAL REASONS?

I'D JUST AS SOON FORGET
ABOUT THE WHOLE THING,

SAVE MYSELF AND LIZ
AND EVERYBODY ELSE

A LOT OF PAIN, A
LOT OF HEARTACHE,

A LOT OF DISAPPOINTMENT.

OH.

COME ON, BARN, I
KNOW HOW YOU FEEL.

I MEAN, WHAT WITH
LOSING THAT LAWSUIT

AND MY WRITER'S BLOCK AND ALL,

I ALMOST THREW IN
THE TOWEL MYSELF.

BUT I DIDN'T.

I KEPT ON WRITING,

EVEN THOUGH I KNEW I MIGHT FAIL,

EVEN THOUGH MY WORK
MIGHT BE REJECTED,

AND I'M GONNA KEEP ON TRYING.

AND YOU KNOW WHY, BARN?

'CAUSE I REALLY NEED THE MONEY.

HARRIS.

HEY, LOOK, DON'T GET ME STARTED.

YES, WOJO?

UH, YOU ALREADY TALKED
TO HARRIS ABOUT IT?

HE'LL BE GLAD TO FILL
YOU IN ON THE DETAILS.

OKAY.

UH, YOU STILL WANT ME TO TAKE
BISHOP DOWN TO THE TOMBS?

WHY NOT?

HE'S STILL ON HIS HUNGER STRIKE.

HE'LL EAT SOONER OR LATER.

WELL, I DON'T KNOW, BARN.

SEE, HE KEEPS TALKING ABOUT
THE... THE NUCLEAR BUILDUP

OVER IN EUROPE.

YOU KNOW, HE'S SAYING THAT
ONE OF THE NATO GENERALS

COULD FIRE OFF A
MISSILE IN THE FIELD,

START WORLD WAR III.

- SO?
- "SO"?

SO... SO I'M AFRAID
THAT IF SOMEBODY

DOESN'T DO SOMETHING
ABOUT HIS DEMANDS,

HE MIGHT JUST KEEP
RIGHT ON NOT EATING.

WHAT DO YOU SUGGEST, WOJO?

WOULD YOU LIKE ME
TO CALL WASHINGTON

AND MAKE SURE THEY GET
THE SALT TALKS STARTED AGAIN?

IT WOULD TAKE YOUR
MIND OFF THINGS.

OH, NO. PLEASE, NOT OVER HERE.

MNOGO UPAV DEN?

OH, YES. WELL...

WOULD YOU CARE FOR COFFEE...

TEA... SOME VALIUM?

SVET?

A SVET?

WHY, THANK YOU.

OH.

GOOD IDEA.

OH, A SPARE SVET.

WHY, THANK YOU AGAIN.

NO, NO.

THEY'LL THINK YOU'RE
PLAYING FAVORITES.

EXCUSE ME.

EXCUSE ME.

I HAVE MS. SMITH'S BAIL TICKET.

OH, DO YOU?

YES, I'D LIKE TO GET HER

INTO A MORE
THERAPEUTIC ENVIRONMENT

AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.

WELL, I'M AFRAID
SERGEANT DIETRICH IS OUT.

WELL, CAN'T YOU HELP ME?

WELL, UH, SERGEANT
DIETRICH AND I

SORT OF HAVE AN AGREEMENT.

I DON'T LET HIS PEOPLE GO,

AND HE HASN'T LET MY PEOPLE GO.

UH, CAPTAIN MILLER,

I HAVE ARRANGED
FOR MS. SMITH'S BAIL.

FINE.

SET HER LOOSE, HARRIS.

WHY THANK YOU, BARNEY.

NO, NO. DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

CAPTAIN, THIS IS
JOSEPH OBROCKIAN,

PICKED HIM UP IN A
DELI ON 2nd AVENUE.

WHAT DID HE DO?

NOTHING.

I WENT OVER TO COLUMBIA,

PLAYED THIS TAPE I
MADE OF MS. SMITH

FOR A FRIEND OF MINE IN
THE LINGUISTICS DEPARTMENT.

YEAH?

I HAD A HUNCH SHE MIGHT
BE SPEAKING SOME LANGUAGE.

HE SAID IT SOUNDED LIKE
A BUNCH OF GIBBERISH.

THAT SOUNDS FAMILIAR.

HOWEVER, HE SENT ME OVER

TO A PROFESSOR IN
SLAVIC LANGUAGES.

NOW, THIS GUY SAID
HE WASN'T SURE,

BUT IT SOUNDED LIKE A
DIALECT SPOKEN IN GREECE

AND YUGOSLAVIA.

I WENT OVER TO SOME GREEK
COFFEE SHOPS AND MARKETS,

STARTED PLAYING THE TAPE AROUND.

MR. OBROCKIAN THINKS
HE RECOGNIZES IT.

YEAH, IT SOUNDS LIKE MACEDONIAN.

OH, THEY SPEAK THAT IN
COFFEE SHOPS NOW, DO THEY?

I SPOKE IT AS A
BOY IN YUGOSLAVIA.

HEY, IF YOU THINK YOU CAN
STRIKE UP A CONVERSATION,

YOU GO RIGHT AHEAD.

BE MY GUEST.

TAKE A SHOT.

YOU'LL PARDON ME

IF MY MACEDONIAN
IS A LITTLE RUSTY.

ISN'T EVERYONE'S?

WELL, MAYBE THEY'RE BOTH NUTS.

THIS ISN'T MY FAULT!

I JUST STARTED VERY RECENTLY

AT THE EASTSIDE
PSYCHIATRIC CENTER,

AND I HAVE A VERY
HEAVY WORKLOAD.

AND, YESTERDAY, SOMEBODY BIT ME.

YOU'RE ALL SET, DOC.

THANK YOU.

MS. SMITH, WE'RE
GONNA GO HOME NOW.

YEAH...

I'M NO PSYCHIATRIST, DOC,

BUT IT APPEARS TO ME
THAT MR. OBROCKIAN

MIGHT BE VERY HELPFUL
IN MS. SMITH'S TREATMENT.

YEAH, WELL, THAT'S
A VERY GOOD IDEA.

TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF.

OH, DON'T FORGET YOUR SVETS.

SVETS.

MNOGO UPAV DEN?

WHAT IS SHE... ISN'T
IT A LOVELY DAY?

YEAH, IT IS.

LOVELY.

WELL...

NICE BIT OF DETECTIVE
WORK, SERGEANT DIETRICH.

THANK YOU.

SO WHAT'S ALL THIS GARBAGE

ABOUT YOU NOT TRYING
FOR DEPUTY INSPECTOR?

HE DOESN'T WANT TO
GET SHOT DOWN AGAIN.

BUT YOU GOT A GOOD
CHANCE THIS TIME.

WE'VE KEPT OUR NOSES CLEAN.

YOU HAVEN'T BEEN IN
JAIL FOR ALMOST A YEAR.

YOU CAN'T JUST
GIVE UP ON YOURSELF.

YOU GOT TO THINK
POSITIVE, KEEP PLUGGING.

GO FOR THE GUSTO.

WOJO ALREADY SAID THAT.

YOU'RE KIDDING.

GENTLEMEN, I APPRECIATE
YOUR CONCERN,

BUT I HAVE REALLY
THOUGHT THIS OUT,

AND I HAVE COME
TO THE REALIZATION

THAT I AM PERFECTLY
HAPPY REMAINING A CAPTAIN.

WELL, MAYBE WE'RE NOT.

SIR, I REALIZE YOU'VE BEEN
SOMEWHAT PREOCCUPIED

WALLOWING IN YOUR
OWN PREDICAMENT,

SO I GUESS IT'S NOT SURPRISING

THAT YOU MIGHT OVERLOOK THE FACT

THAT YOU'RE SCREWING
IT UP FOR US, TOO.

HE'S RIGHT.

I MEAN, YOU KNOW,

AS LONG AS YOU
STAY STUCK IN THERE,

WE'RE STUCK OUT HERE.

AND, WELL, LITTLE LEVITT'S
STUCK WAY DOWN THERE.

GOOD POINT.

IT'S JUST NOT FAIR, BARN.

IT'S BEEN GOING ON LIKE
THIS FOR EIGHT YEARS.

YEAH, IT'S GETTING BORING.

ALL RIGHT.

I DIDN'T REALIZE
YOU FELT THIS WAY.

WELL, SURE.

'CAUSE YOU'RE ALWAYS
SITTING IN THERE...

ON YOUR PADDED SEAT.

AND YOU FORGET YOU'RE
SITTING ON TOP OF ME

AND HARRIS AND DIETRICH.

YOU CAN IMAGINE HOW I FEEL.

WELL, I'LL HAVE TO GIVE
THIS SOME THOUGHT.

YOU CAN USE YOUR OFFICE.

I RATHER ENJOYED THAT.

YOU PEOPLE DON'T LET UP, DO YOU?

GO AHEAD. KEEP EATING.

THANK YOU.

I DON'T NEED FOOD.

I HAVE RESOLVE,
AN INNER STRENGTH.

A BREATHARIAN, HUH?

WHAT?

A BREATHARIAN IS A PERSON
WHO BELIEVES THAT FOOD

IS MERELY AN UNNECESSARY
ADDICTIVE SUBSTANCE

AND THAT THE BREATHING OF AIR

IS SUFFICIENT IN
ITSELF TO SUSTAIN LIFE.

REALLY?

MM-HMM.

DON'T STUFF YOURSELF.

OKAY, THANKS A LOT.

HEY, MR. BISHOP.

YEAH?

YOU SAID THAT IF
SOMEBODY DID SOMETHING

ABOUT YOUR DEMANDS
THAT YOU WOULD EAT.

SO?

SO I DID SOMETHING.

YOU GOT THE MISSILES
OUT OF EUROPE?

NO, NOT YET.

IS SAKHAROV ON HIS WAY?

NO, I GOT YOUR
CLEANING DEPOSIT BACK.

OH.

I CALLED THEM UP AND
EXPLAINED THE WHOLE THING,

AND THEY SAID THAT, UH,

THEY'D HAVE A CHECK IN
THE MAIL IN THE MORNING.

I REALLY WOULD HAVE PREFERRED
THE MISSILES OUT OF EUROPE.

YOU GOT TO START SOMEWHERE.

ALL RIGHT.

YOU KNOW, UH,

MAYBE I'LL HAVE ONE OF
THOSE DOUGHNUTS NOW.

THEY'RE ALL GONE.

OH?

EXCUSE ME.

DO YOU THINK THAT I
COULD POSSIBLY HAVE

A PART OF YOUR SANDWICH?

YOU JUST HAD SOME AIR.

HARRIS.

THIS IS THE SECOND-SHIFT
MANPOWER REQUEST.

I'M CHECKING OUT A LITTLE EARLY.

HEADING SOMEPLACE
SPECIAL, ARE WE?

HOME.

OH.

BUT FOR EVERYONE'S INFORMATION,

I'LL PROBABLY BE A LITTLE
LATE IN THE MORNING.

I GOT AN APPOINTMENT DOWNTOWN.

AT LAST, I CAN START PLANNING.

IT'S JUST THE FIRST STEP.

I MEAN, I HAVEN'T MADE
DEPUTY INSPECTOR YET.

YOU HAVEN'T EVEN
PASSED THE PHYSICAL YET.

RIGHT.