Barney Miller (1975–1982): Season 8, Episode 12 - Chinatown: Part 2 - full transcript

Harris and Dietrich drive each other ever crazier as they continue to be confined to their hotel room with their unco-operative witness. Lieutenant Scanlon's wealthy target of affection files harassment charges against him.

MR. LING, I UNDERSTAND YOU
WORK AT THE JADE PALACE?

YES.

AND YOU WERE THERE
THE NIGHT OF THE MURDERS.

YES.

YOU SAW WHAT OCCURRED?

NO.

WELL, MR. LING, IT'S
A SMALL RESTAURANT.

THERE MUST HAVE BEEN A
LOT OF EXCITEMENT AND NOISE.

SURELY YOU MUST
HAVE SEEN SOMEBODY.

NO.

HEARD SOMETHING.



NO.

ANYTHING THAT MIGHT HELP
US IN OUR INVESTIGATION?

NO.

NOTHING?

NO.

YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN.

YES.

MAYBE WE'RE GONNA HAVE
TO FACE THE FACT THAT, UM...

I MEAN, MAYBE THE GUY JUST
REALLY DIDN'T SEE ANYTHING.

UNTIL MR. LING DECIDES
TO COOPERATE...

THE THREE OF YOU ARE
GONNA BE ROOMING TOGETHER.

YOU'RE NOT SERIOUS.

YOU GOT HIM FOR 30 DAYS.

YOU KNOW, WHAT WITH ALL
THE EXCITEMENT AND ALL,



YOU KNOW, I DON'T THINK WE
WERE PROPERLY INTRODUCED.

I'M SCANLON...
LIEUTENANT... BEN.

IT'S BEEN NICE
TALKING TO YOU, BEN.

Dietrich: HERE YOU GO.

Harris: DOES THIS
ROOM INCLUDE A LIGHT?

I DON'T WORK HERE.

Ling: I'LL TRY THE WALL.

THIS IS GREAT, ISN'T IT?

DIETRICH.

DIETRICH.

COME ON, ARTHUR.

MAN, IT'S AFTER 7:00. GET UP.

MAKE YOUR OWN BREAKFAST.

LOOK, MAN, I'VE BEEN
SITTING OUT THERE ALL NIGHT.

I'M TIRED. I GOT A HEADACHE.

AND IT'S YOUR TURN TO
WATCH MING THE MERCILESS.

COME ON.

OKAY, ARTHUR. FINE.

IF YOU'D RATHER NOT
APPROACH THIS ASSIGNMENT

LIKE TWO MATURE ADULTS
SHARING OUR DUTIES EQUALLY

AND WITH A SPIRIT OF
MUTUAL COOPERATION,

WELL, THEN... THAT'S OKAY BY ME.

GOOD.

HIT THE LIGHT, WILL YOU?

OH, SURE.

OF COURSE, YOU CAN KISS
OFF YOUR DAMN CARTOONS.

HEY, IT'S MY TV, TOO.

UH-HUH.

ALL RIGHT. I'M UP.

GOOD MORNING.

MORNING.

I'M NAKED. YOU KNOW THAT?

OH, THANK YOU, ARTHUR.

ANYTHING GOING ON?

LUGER WENT OUT ON A CALL.

TOOK A UNIFORM.

OKAY.

YOU HEARD FROM, UH, HARRIS
OR DIETRICH YESTERDAY?

NO.

I IMAGINE EVERYTHING'S
GOING OKAY.

YEAH, I GUESS SO.

I'LL BE IN MY OFFICE.

SURE.

I'LL, UH, LET YOU
KNOW IF THEY CALL IN.

RIGHT. SAME HERE.

IT'LL BE LIKE THIS
FOR A MONTH, HUH?

PROBABLY.

I'M GONNA KILL THAT MAN.

THAT WAS "BEGIN THE
BEGUINE." YOU RECOGNIZE IT?

YES. YOU ARE VERY TALENTED.

THANK YOU.

EXCUSE ME.

YEAH.

IS IT "E" FLAT OR "E" MINOR?

WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?

GENTLEMEN, IN CASE
ANYONE'S INTERESTED,

I'VE WORKED UP
TOMORROW'S DUTY ROSTER.

OH, GOODY.

ANYBODY WE KNOW?

ALL OF US.

BARN, THAT'S EIGHT DAYS
IN A ROW, 12-HOUR SHIFTS.

I'M FULLY AWARE OF IT.

WELL, IT'S NOT
FAIR... FOR ANY OF US.

OH, I DON'T KNOW.

I MEAN, AS MUCH AS I MISS
SERGEANTS HARRIS AND DIETRICH,

I JUST FEEL THAT WORKING
UNDER THIS INTENSE PRESSURE,

COUPLED WITH THE
LONG, ARDUOUS HOURS

AND A COMPLETE ABSENCE
OF RECREATIONAL SEX

SOMEHOW BROUGHT THE THREE
OF US EVEN CLOSER TOGETHER.

I COULD BE WRONG.

DIETRICH, YOU KNOW WE STILL
DON'T HAVE ANY HOT WATER?

OH, YEAH?

YOU DID CALL?

DO IT FIRST THING
IN THE MORNING.

FINE.

BARNEY CALLED. OH?

WHEN?

OH, ABOUT 5:00.

HE DIDN'T WANT ME TO WAKE YOU.

OH.

SO HOW IS EVERYBODY DOING?

PRETTY GOOD, I GUESS.

WANTED TO KNOW IF WE
WERE MAKING ANY PROGRESS.

HEH, HEH, HEH!

THAT'S WHAT I SAID. RIGHT.

CAPTAIN.

YES, MISS FITZJAMES.
NICE TO SEE YOU.

I'M AFRAID WE HAVE NO
FURTHER INFORMATION

ABOUT YOUR DIAMONDS.

I KNOW YOU'RE DOING YOUR BEST.

WE'LL LET YOU KNOW AS
SOON AS SOMETHING TURNS UP.

IS THERE SOMETHING ELSE?

I'M AFRAID SO.

OH, THIS IS EXTREMELY
AWKWARD, CAPTAIN.

IT CONCERNS THE CONDUCT
OF ONE OF YOUR MEN.

OH?

HEY, COME ON. I ONLY
ASKED IF YOU HAD HOBBIES.

NO, I WASN'T REFERRING
TO YOU, SERGEANT.

IT'S SOMEONE ELSE.

WELL, HE KEEPS CALLING
ME ON THE TELEPHONE,

AND THEN HE... HE JUST
DROPS BY MY APARTMENT

AT VERY STRANGE HOURS
TO "DISCUSS MY CASE."

AND THEN HE PROCEEDS TO
INVITE ME OUT FOR BREAKFAST

OR LUNCH OR DINNER...

WHATEVER'S
APPROPRIATE AT THE TIME.

WHO IS IT? WHAT'S HIS NAME?

LIEUTENANT SCANLON.

HE DOES BELONG
TO YOU, DOESN'T HE?

HE DOES NOW.

OKAY, MR. LING.

WE'RE GONNA TRY IT AGAIN
ONCE MORE, FROM THE TOP.

ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.

ALL RIGHT.

ALL RIGHT.

OKAY.

JADE PALACE RESTAURANT.

FEBRUARY 6th.

IT'S A LITTLE AFTER 11:00.

YOU'RE ON DUTY.

THE PLACE IS ALMOST
EMPTY, EXCEPT FOR WHO?

THE VICTIMS.

WE KNOW THAT PART ALREADY.

OH, DO WE?

ANYWAY, SO THE FOUR DEAD
GUYS ARE EATING, RIGHT?

AND YOU'RE STANDING
AROUND, WAITING FOR YOUR TIP,

WHEN ALL OF A SUDDEN,
YOU HEAR THE TINKLE

OF THOSE STUPID LITTLE CHIMES.

THE DOOR OPENS.

YOU TURN AROUND.

AND WHAT HAPPENS?

WELL, SOMEBODY COMES IN, RIGHT?

RIGHT?!

I SUPPOSE.

WELL, WHO THE HELL WAS IT?

THE MILLS BROTHERS?

IT GOT A LAUGH YESTERDAY.

ALL RIGHT, MAN. THAT'S IT.

I QUIT.

COME ON. HEY, RON.

KISS OFF!

CLEAN THAT UP.

WHERE YOU GOING?

OUT.

DRESSED LIKE THAT?

EXCUSE ME.

COME ON, WILL YOU?

WELL?

WELL WHAT?

SOMEBODY CALLED ME.

CAPTAIN MILLER.

WHAT'S GOING ON?

HEY... FAR BE IT FROM ME.

I MEAN, YOU KNOW
WHAT THEY SAY...

LET HE WHO'S WITHOUT SIN...

ZING THE FIRST ROCK.

EXCUSE ME.

OH, HO!

WELL, MISS, UH, FITZJAMES.

WHAT A PLEASANT SURPRISE.

THANK YOU.

OH, WELL, LIEUTENANT SCANLON.

EXCUSE ME.

MILLER, WOJCIEHOWICZ.

BEN.

WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?

WELL, A, UH, SITUATION
HAS PRESENTED ITSELF

THAT I THINK WOULD BE OF
INTEREST TO INTERNAL AFFAIRS.

OH? REALLY?

WHAT DID HE DO THIS TIME?

IS HE KIDDING?

MY OFFICE, LIEUTENANT.

SURE.

EXCUSE ME.

BY ALL MEANS.

YOU KNOW, I REALLY
DON'T ENJOY DOING THIS.

MAYBE YOU'RE NOT
TRYING HARD ENOUGH.

SO, UH... WHAT'S ON
YOUR MIND, MILLER?

MISS FITZJAMES.

WHAT ABOUT HER?

SHE IS FILING A FORMAL
COMPLAINT AGAINST YOU

FOR HARASSMENT.

YOU GOT TO BE PUTTING ME ON.

SHE SAYS YOU'VE BEEN
BOTHERING HER, CALLING HER UP,

GOING TO HER HOME
TO DISCUSS HER CASE.

SO?

SO YOU'RE PROMOTING
HER SOCIALLY.

THE CASE IS NONE
OF YOUR BUSINESS.

MY SOCIAL LIFE IS
NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.

I'M WARNING YOU, SCANLON.

YOU'RE BUYING YOURSELF
A POT FULL OF TROUBLE.

WHAT, FOR ASKING A
LADY OUT TO DINNER?

AND LUNCH AND BREAKFAST.

IN FOR A PENNY, IN FOR A POUND.

SCANLON, YOU'RE TAKING
ADVANTAGE OF YOUR POSITION

TO INVADE THE LADY'S PRIVACY.

I NEVER LAID A HAND ON HER.

ALL RIGHT, SCANLON.

NOW, WAIT A MINUTE!
WAIT A MINUTE!

NOW, MILLER, COME ON.

I WANT TO LEVEL WITH YOU, OKAY?

I MEAN, I COME UP HERE.

I MEET SOMEONE... NOT
THE USUAL KIND OF CRUD

THAT I MEET OUT
THERE ON THE STREET.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

A WOMAN THAT DESERVES SOME
SPECIAL KIND OF TREATMENT,

SO I MAKE A SPECIAL EFFORT.

YEAH. I MEAN, I
TAKE OFF MY HAT...

WIPE OFF MY SHOES.

I'M CHARMING.

HEY, I'M NICE!

YOU'RE MAKING HER NERVOUS.

NOW, WAIT A MINUTE.

THAT AIN'T NO BUTTERFLY
WE GOT OUT THERE, EITHER.

I MEAN, ALREADY, SHE'S
MARRIED TWO GUYS.

I MEAN, THE WOMAN
KNOWS HOW TO DO BUSINESS.

SHE DOESN'T WANT YOU.

HOW DOES SHE KNOW?

I'M WARNING YOU, SCANLON.

YOU STAY AWAY FROM HER,

OR I PERSONALLY WILL
TAKE THIS DOWNTOWN.

YOU MUST REALLY HATE
MY GUTS. YOU KNOW THAT?

I MEAN, YOU AND THE REST OF
YOUR MORAL MAJORITY OUT THERE.

YOU DON'T THINK I
HEAR IT IN YOUR VOICES,

SEE IT IN YOUR MINDS
EVERY TIME I COME UP HERE?

I MEAN THE WHISPERINGS AND
THE SNICKERINGS AND THE...

INSULTS!

I KNOW I'M NOT DESIRABLE
TO YOU AS A PERSON.

I DON'T MEASURE UP.

WELL, I DO MY JOB,
AND I'M A HUMAN BEING,

AND IF THAT AIN'T
GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU,

WELL, THEN, YOU CAN
JUST ALL JOIN HANDS

AND DRAG ME DOWNTOWN.

BUT I PROMISE YOU THIS...

THAT'S THE LAST YOU'LL
EVER SEE OF MY CHARM...

MY GESTURES... MY CARING...

AND ALL THE REST
OF THAT GOOD STUFF.

NO, NO, NO.

NEXT TIME, BOY, YOU
GOT THE REAL SCANLON...

THE HARD NOSE, THE BITTER,

THE BACKSTABBER, THE DEVIOUS,

THE EVIL SON OF A PIG.

BUT I'LL HAVE MY SELF-RESPECT.

EXCUSE ME.

YES?

WHAT'S, UH... WHAT DO YOU WANT?

D.A.'s OFFICE ON LINE 2.

THANK YOU.

YEAH. MILLER HERE.

YEAH. OKAY.

WELL... UH, HI.

LIEUTENANT.

I JUST HAD A LONG TALK
WITH THE CAPTAIN, AND...

I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW
THAT, UH, I'M GENUINELY SORRY...

IF I EMBARRASSED OR
INCONVENIENCED YOU IN ANY WAY,

AND I WON'T BE
BOTHERING YOU AGAIN.

I APPRECIATE THAT... BEN.

YEAH. SURE.

CAPTAIN, I'VE BEEN TALKING
TO THE LIEUTENANT HERE,

AND THERE REALLY DOESN'T
SEEM TO BE ANY REASON

TO PURSUE THE
MATTER ANY FURTHER.

FINE.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

MISS FITZJAMES.

SERGEANT.

WE APPRECIATE YOU COMING DOWN.

BEN.

WAIT.

OH...

JUST SO YOU DON'T
GET THE WRONG IDEA...

THIS MORNING, I... SENT
YOU SOME FLOWERS.

JUST THROW THEM IN THE GARBAGE.

FORGET ABOUT THEM.

I WILL.

THANKS.

WELL, SEE YOU AROUND.

Barney: SCANLON.

LOOK, SCANLON,

I KNOW WE'VE HAD OUR
DIFFERENCES IN THE PAST.

I... I JUST WANT
YOU TO KNOW THAT...

ANYTHING THAT WAS
SAID IN THAT ROOM...

WILL STAY IN THAT ROOM.

GOD, HOW I DESPISE YOU.

WHO IS IT?

IT'S ME... BARNEY.

BARNEY WHO?

DIETRICH, OPEN UP!

OH. THAT BARNEY.

HOW YOU DOING?

COME ON IN.

GOOD GOD.

YOU'RE LOOKING WELL.

MR. LING.

HELLO, CAPTAIN.

OH, I THOUGHT I HEARD BARNEY.

HARRIS?

NICE OF YOU TO DROP BY.

FINALLY.

YOU WANT TO STICK
AROUND FOR A WHILE?

"TAXI" IS ON IN FIVE MINUTES.

ACTUALLY, I CAME DOWN

TO SEE IF THERE'S
ANYTHING I CAN DO TO HELP.

YEAH, YOU CAN SIT
IN THIS RAT'S NEST

WHILE I TAKE A WALK IN THE PARK

OR ENJOY A DECENT MEAL
OR LISTEN TO MY STEREO.

I COULD USE A WOMAN.

I WOULD LIKE TO GO HOME.

REALLY?

I'VE GROWN WEARY

OF MY FATE BEING HAGGLED
OVER BY STRANGERS.

I WISH TO PACK MY BAG AND LEAVE.

LOOK, MAN.

DON'T NOBODY LEAVE
THIS DUMP BEFORE I DO.

IF I LEAVE, WILL YOU KILL ME?

NOT ME.

BUT IF I HELP YOU, THERE
ARE THOSE WHO WILL.

MAYBE YOU SHOULD
TELL US WHO THEY ARE.

WHY DIDN'T WE THINK OF THAT?

PLEASE TRY TO UNDERSTAND.

I'M SIMPLY A FRIGHTENED OLD
MAN WHO DOES NOT WISH TO DIE

OVER MATTERS THAT
DO NOT CONCERN HIM.

MR. LING, NOBODY'S
GONNA HURT YOU.

ARE YOU CERTAIN?

LOOK, YOU'VE GOT THE PROTECTION

OF THE WHOLE NEW
YORK POLICE DEPARTMENT,

THE D.A.'s OFFICE,

THE ENTIRE JUDICIAL
SYSTEM, RIGHT?

MR. LING, YOU'RE FREE TO GO.

WHAT? REALLY?

SORRY IF WE INCONVENIENCED YOU.

THANK YOU! BARNEY!

I JUST NEED A MOMENT
TO GATHER MY THINGS.

BUT WE... BUT...

BARNEY, WE COULD HAVE DONE THAT.

OKAY, SO I ACTED UNILATERALLY.
I'M TELLING YOU NOW.

LOOK, MY MEN WERE IN THAT
HOTEL ROOM FOR OVER A WEEK.

THEY GAVE IT THEIR BEST
SHOT. THE MAN WOULD NOT TALK.

QUITE FRANKLY, I
DON'T BLAME HIM.

WELL, PUT YOURSELF IN HIS SHOES.

SUPPOSE HE TESTIFIES.

MAYBE YOU GET A
CONVICTION, MAYBE YOU DON'T.

MAYBE THE WHOLE DAMN GANG GETS
OFF ON SOME STUPID TECHNICALITY.

BUT THE POINT
IS, WHEN IT'S OVER,

MR. LING GOES BACK TO CHINATOWN,

WHERE WE CANNOT
GUARANTEE HIS LIFE,

NOR CAN THE D.A.'s OFFICE.

WELL, I'M SORRY I
RUINED THE WHOLE THING.

I'M AFRAID YOU'RE JUST
GONNA HAVE TO TAKE THE SOUR

WITH THE SWEET.

YEAH?

I'M BACK. FROM WHERE?

THE JADE PALACE.

HUH?

PICKED UP MR. CHAO.

WHO?

OH, THAT'S RIGHT. THE, UH...

THE D.A.'s OFFICE CALLED
WHILE YOU WERE OUT

AND TOLD ME TO GO PICK
THIS GUY UP FOR QUESTIONING.

HE'S THE CHEF.

MR. CHAO, I'M CAPTAIN MILLER.

MY PLEASURE.

NOW, MR. CHAO... I SAW NOTHING.

HEY, ROOMIE.

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