Barney Miller (1975–1982): Season 8, Episode 11 - Chinatown: Part 1 - full transcript

YES, ALAN, I AM AWARE

THAT I HAVEN'T WRITTEN A WORD
SINCE "BLOOD ON THE BADGE."

I AM VERY BUSY
TRYING TO FLESH OUT

A COUPLE OF POIGNANT NOTIONS.

YOU KNOW... I MEAN, MOLD THEM
INTO SOME VIABLE CONCEPTS.

AND, I MEAN, THESE
THINGS, THEY JUST TAKE TIME.

YEAH, RIGHT. I'LL BE IN TOUCH.

PROBLEM ALONG THE BOOK BEAT?

PROBLEM ALONG THE BOOK BEAT?

BARNEY, THESE ARE
THE PHOTOS THAT CAME IN

FROM THE HOMICIDE AT THE
JADE PALACE IN CHINATOWN.



OH, GOOD.

OH, GOD.

YEAH, THEY WERE MEMBERS
OF THE WHITE DRAGONS,

HEAVY INTO DRUGS AND PROTECTION.

THEY'RE JUST KIDS.

MM-HMM.

OH, MY. AREN'T THESE LOVELY?

YOU AND BARNEY
DISCUSSING OUR CASE?

WELL, YOU WERE
TALKING TO YOUR AGENT.

THANK YOU, DIETRICH.

YOU'RE WELCOME.

SO WHERE DOES THIS STAND?

WELL, ACTUALLY, THE WHOLE
THING PRETTY WELL STEPS OUT

AS YOUR BASIC INTER-GANG
TERRITORIAL DISPUTE,



BUT... WELL, WE CAN'T BE SURE.

WE TRIED TALKING TO
MERCHANTS, PEOPLE ON THE STREET,

THE VICTIMS' FAMILIES, BUT
EVERYBODY JUST WAVED US OFF,

TOLD US WHAT GOES
ON IN CHINATOWN

IS NONE OF OUR CONCERN.

WONDERFUL.

WHAT ABOUT HIM?

IT'S MY TURN?

THAT'S VICTOR LING.

HE WAS THE WAITER
AT THE LAST SUPPER.

AND WHAT DID HE SEE?

SAYS HE DIDN'T SEE ANYTHING.

IT'S HARD TO MISS IT, THOUGH.

LET ME TALK TO HIM.

GOOD LUCK.

WHAT'D YOU BRING
UP MY AGENT FOR?

IT'S GOOD FOR YOUR IMAGE.

MR. LING, I'M CAPTAIN MILLER.

IT'S AN HONOR AND PRIVILEGE
TO MEET YOU, CAPTAIN.

CAN I GO NOW?

I'M AFRAID NOT.

YOU WANT TO HAVE
A SEAT, MR. LING?

MR. LING, I UNDERSTAND YOU
WORK AT THE JADE PALACE?

YES.

AND YOU WERE THERE THE
NIGHT OF THE MURDERS?

YES.

AND YOU SAW WHAT OCCURRED?

NO.

WELL, MR. LING, IT'S
A SMALL RESTAURANT.

THERE MUST HAVE BEEN A
LOT OF EXCITEMENT AND NOISE.

SURELY YOU MUST
HAVE SEEN SOMEBODY.

NO.

HEARD SOMETHING.

NO.

ANYTHING THAT MIGHT HELP
US IN OUR INVESTIGATION?

NO.

YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN.

YES.

THANK YOU, MR. LING.

YEAH, THAT'S GRILLING HIM.

OKAY, MISS FITZJAMES,
IF YOU'LL STEP IN HERE.

THANK YOU.

OH.

WELL, THIS IS WHERE WE WORK.

IT'S VERY FUNCTIONAL, ISN'T IT?

YOU GET USED TO IT.

WOJO.

BARN, THIS IS MISS
CAROLINE FITZJAMES.

THIS IS CAPTAIN MILLER.

OH, HELLO, CAPTAIN.

MA'AM.

MISS FITZJAMES WAS
LEAVING HER FURRIER'S,

AND SOME GUY CAME UP

AND GRABBED SOMETHING
OFF OF HER NECK AND TOOK OFF.

ONE FEELS SO VIOLATED.

YES, ONE DOES.

WELL, APPARENTLY, WHAT
THE GUY MADE OFF WITH

WAS SOME SORT
OF A DIAMOND THING.

IT WAS A BROOCH.

IT WAS A BROOCH...
WORTH ABOUT $40,000.

YOU DID SAY $40,000?

I KNOW THAT MAY NOT
SEEM VERY IMPORTANT.

BUT YOU SEE, CAPTAIN,

IT HAD A CERTAIN
SENTIMENTAL VALUE.

IT WAS A VALENTINE'S DAY
GIFT FROM MY LATE HUSBAND.

OH, YOU'RE A WIDOW.

- TWICE.
- TWICE.

WOJO, WHY DON'T YOU OFFER
MISS FITZJAMES A CUP OF COFFEE?

THANK YOU, CAPTAIN.

DON'T HAVE ANY CREAM.

I AM SORRY.

AREN'T YOU GONNA
HAVE HER TAKE A SEAT?

SURE.

WON'T YOU TAKE A SEAT?

THANK YOU.

WE'RE ON OUR WAY.

UH, BARN, THAT WAS DISPATCH.

SOMEBODY JUST
REPORTED A BREAK-IN

AT A RESTAURANT
OVER ON BROADWAY.

ALL RIGHT. UM, TAKE LEVITT.

RIGHT.

COME ON, LITTLE
LEVITT. GOT A CALL.

COME ON, LITTLE LEVITT.

GOT A CALL.

I THINK I'M GONNA IGNORE THAT.

OKAY, MISS FITZJAMES,

I NEED YOUR HOME ADDRESS.

517 EAST 65th STREET.

THAT'S A NICE NEIGHBORHOOD.

WHAT DO YOU DO?

ABOUT WHAT?

ABOUT MAKING A LIVING.

I'VE BEEN AMPLY
PROVIDED FOR. THANK YOU.

YEAH, I HAD A FEELING.

SO...

WHAT, HAVE YOU GOT SOME
HOBBIES OR SOMETHING?

IS THIS FOR YOUR
REPORT, SERGEANT?

NO. NO, IT'S JUST FOR ME.

I'VE JUST ALWAYS
BEEN A LITTLE CURIOUS

ABOUT WHAT PEOPLE LIKE YOU
DO WITH ALL YOUR FREE TIME.

MOSTLY WE SLEEP AROUND.

OH.

OKAY.

SO HOW LONG HAVE YOU
BEEN WORKING IN CHINATOWN?

FORTY-THREE YEARS.

THAT'S A LONG TIME.

MY FATHER WAS A
WAITER UNTIL HE WAS 102.

YOU'RE KIDDING ME.

TO THEIR CREDIT,

HIS CUSTOMERS WERE
WIDELY REGARDED

AS BEING MOST PATIENT
AND UNDERSTANDING.

SOUP CAME COLD, HUH?

IF AT ALL.

- SO ANYWAY...
- I SAW NOTHING.

HEY, YOU COULD LET A GUY FINISH.

ALL RIGHT. COME ON,
BOTNIK. GET INSIDE HERE.

YOU GUYS CAN'T DO THIS TO ME!

I'M A ROTARIAN!

BIG DEAL. I'M A CAPRICORN.

OVER THERE AND
EMPTY YOUR POCKETS.

Barney: WHAT DO WE GOT HERE?

SIR, THIS IS MR. SIDNEY BOTNIK.

WE PICKED HIM UP IN THE
PROCESS OF RANSACKING

THE WILD WEST WAFFLE
HUT OVER ON BROADWAY.

I'M ENTITLED.

WHEN WE GOT THERE, BARN,

WE FOUND THE BACK
DOOR JIMMIED OPEN,

AND SIDNEY HERE WAS
CARTING OUT WAFFLE IRONS,

TABLECLOTHS, A COUPLE
OF CASES OF SYRUP...

ASSORTED FLAVORS.

PLANNING ON OPENING YOUR
OWN RESTAURANT, MR. BOTNIK?

THAT IS MY OWN RESTAURANT.

HUH?

WELL, AT LEAST IT WAS.

BARN, APPARENTLY WHEN MR. BOTNIK
GOT TO WORK THIS MORNING,

HE FOUND ALL OF HIS
DOORS PADLOCKED SHUT,

AND THIS WAS POSTED
ON THE FRONT WINDOW.

READ... READ IT AND WEEP.

"WARNING... U.S.
GOVERNMENT SEIZURE.

"THE PROPERTY HAS BEEN SEIZED

FOR NONPAYMENT OF
INTERNAL REVENUE TAXES..."

"ALL PERSONS WARNED
NOT TO REMOVE

"OR TAMPER WITH THIS PROPERTY

UNDER SEVERE
PENALTY OF THE LAW."

WELL, THEY CAN'T DO THAT TO ME.

I'M A TAXPAYER.

OR NOT.

CHEATING ON YOUR
INCOME TAX, MR. BOTNIK?

NO, I JUST COULDN'T SELL
ENOUGH WAFFLES TO PAY THEM.

OH.

DIDN'T YOU CONTACT THE IRS,
TELL THEM ABOUT YOUR SITUATION?

YEAH, I-I DID! I
DID! I DID THAT!

I EVEN SAT DOWN WITH AN AGENT

AND WORKED OUT ONE OF THEM
DEFERRED-PAYMENT SCHEDULES.

AND?

I THINK MAYBE I MISSED A COUPLE.

OH.

GENTLEMEN.

LIEUTENANT SCANLON,
HOW YOU DOING?

DIETRICH.

BEEN TO ANY RALLIES LATELY?

NUKE THE WHALES.

WHALES... APOLITICAL.

GOOD FOR YOU.

HARRIS.

LIEUTENANT.

HOW ARE THINGS DOWN
THERE IN FUNKYTOWN?

OH, THEY FINE. THEY FINE.

WELL, WELL. LIEUTENANT SCANLON.

MILLER.

WHAT BRINGS INTERNAL
AFFAIRS DOWN, LIEUTENANT?

COME ON, MILLER.

I TURN MY BACK FOR A FEW
MONTHS AND WHAT HAPPENS?

I DON'T KNOW. WHAT HAPPENS?

WHAT HAPPENS IS
THAT ONE OF YOUR MEN,

SERGEANT WOJCIEHOWICZ,

WINDS UP GETTING
HIS PANTS SUED OFF

BY A CERTAIN MAUREEN
ELIZABETH BALLANTINE,

THE UNWED MOTHER OF
HIS ILLEGITIMATE SONNY JIM,

THEREBY CASTING NOT ONLY
SHAME AND DEGRADATION

ON THE DEPARTMENT AS A WHOLE,

BUT IMPUGNING THE CHARACTER,

THE INTEGRITY OF
YOUR FELLOW OFFICERS,

WHO TAKE IMMENSE PRIDE
AND THE PROPER PRECAUTIONS

WHEN THEY GO FOR THE GUSTO!

YOU FINISHED, SCANLON?

MORE OR LESS.

GOOD.

'CAUSE THAT SUIT WAS DROPPED
ABOUT THREE MONTHS AGO.

OH?

WHY?

BECAUSE, UH... HE'S NOT MY KID.

- WHY NOT?
- SCANLON, THAT...

IT'S ALL RIGHT,
BARN. I'LL TELL HIM.

'CAUSE I'M STERILE, OKAY?

I KNEW THAT.

I JUST WANTED TO
HEAR YOU SAY IT.

UH, BARNEY?

Barney: YEAH?

GOT THE D.A.'s
OFFICE ON THE LINE.

THEY SAY IT'S IMPORTANT.

I'LL TAKE IT IN MY OFFICE.

Harris: RIGHT.

I'LL BE DOWNSTAIRS.

SO?

HI.

HELLO.

I'LL BE DOWNSTAIRS.

SO, ARTHUR,

YOU GETTING ANYWHERE
WITH OUR MR. LING?

NO.

I MEAN, MAYBE THE GUY JUST
REALLY DIDN'T SEE ANYTHING.

WHY, HE SAY SOMETHING
TO YOUR AGENT?

NOW, WHAT IS THAT
SUPPOSED TO MEAN?

WELL, IT'S YOUR CASE.

YOU COULD TRY
TALKING TO THE GUY.

BARNEY SENT ME
OUT ON ANOTHER CALL.

SO WHEN YOU COMING BACK?

LOOK, I CAN'T DO
THIS CASE AND...

IS THERE A PROBLEM, GENTLEMEN?

NO, NO PROBLEM. WE WERE
JUST DISCUSSING OUR CASE.

OH.

WELL, YOU'RE GONNA HAVE
AMPLE OPPORTUNITY TO DO THAT.

WHY?

JUST GOT OFF THE PHONE
WITH THE D.A.'s OFFICE.

SEEMS THE MAYOR'S OFFICE
IS NOT ALL THAT THRILLED

WITH THE OPEN
WARFARE IN CHINATOWN

AND HAS EXPRESSED THAT
SENTIMENT IN NO UNCERTAIN TERMS

TO THE COMMISSIONER'S OFFICE.

IS THAT WHY YOU TOOK
THE CALL IN YOUR OFFICE?

IN ANY CASE,

UNDER THE CIRCUMSTANCES,
THE DISTRICT ATTORNEY

HAS HAD THE COURT
DESIGNATE MR. LING HERE

AS A MATERIAL WITNESS.

AND?

AND UNTIL MR. LING
DECIDES TO COOPERATE...

THE THREE OF YOU ARE
GONNA BE ROOMING TOGETHER.

YOU'RE NOT SERIOUS.

YOU GOT HIM FOR 30 DAYS.

30 DAYS?

ISN'T THAT SENSELESS, MR. LING?

I MEAN, I'VE SEEN YOUNGER
MEN CRACK UNDER THE PRESSURE

OF THAT KIND OF
LENGTHY CONFINEMENT.

IT'S... DIETRICH, TELL HIM.

HIS FATHER WAS A
WAITER UNTIL HE WAS 102.

OH.

HARRIS.

I'M BACK.

ANYWAY...

YOU KNOW, WHAT WITH ALL
THE EXCITEMENT AND ALL,

YOU KNOW, I DON'T THINK WE
WERE PROPERLY INTRODUCED.

I'M SCANLON...
LIEUTENANT... BEN.

IT'S BEEN NICE
TALKING TO YOU, BEN.

BARNEY, I'VE BOOKED THE
THREE OF US AT THE GREENWICH.

I HAVE ALL THE INFORMATION...

THE ADDRESS, ROOM
NUMBER, PHONE NUMBER.

OKAY.

THE SMITH BROTHERS?

WE NEEDED A NAME.

BARNEY?

YEAH?

LOOK, I'VE BEEN DISCUSSING
THE CASE WITH MR. LING,

AND, UH, I FEEL PRETTY SURE

THAT WE CAN GET WHATEVER
INFORMATION WE NEED, BARN,

IF YOU'LL JUST LET ME HIT HIM.

I'LL THINK ABOUT IT.

LOOK, I AM DESPERATE, BARNEY.

I MEAN, THIS ASSIGNMENT
COULD NOT HAVE COME

AT A WORSE TIME FOR ME.

REALLY?

WELL, IT'S JUST THAT, BARN,

I HAVE REACHED THIS
PIVOTAL POINT IN MY LIFE,

WHERE I FEEL A VITAL NEED TO
BE ALONE AND INTROSPECTIVE.

I MEAN, BARN, I HAVE BEEN TRYING

TO WORK OUT THIS
WRITER'S BLOCK THING...

I MEAN, REAPPRAISING
MY VALUES AND GOALS.

I'M TALKING STIFLED
CREATIVE FUNCTION, BARN.

I JUST FEEL THAT
AT THIS JUNCTURE,

ANY INVASION INTO
MY PRIVATE SPACE

COULD WELL RESULT IN
AN EMOTIONAL APOCALYPSE.

THAT'S PRETTY GOOD.

I LIKED IT.

CAN I HELP YOU?

- I'M ALFRED WALKER.
- UH-HUH.

INTERNAL REVENUE SERVICE.

AND YOU ARE?

I'M A COP. WHAT
CAN I DO FOR YOU?

I'M HERE IN REGARD TO
THE WILD WEST WAFFLE HUT.

WE OWN IT.

YOU STOLE IT!

I BEG YOUR PARDON?

YOU WALK IN AND TAKE
A MAN'S WHOLE BUSINESS

- LIKE IT WAS PIECE
OF TRASH!
- OH, PLEASE. PLEASE.

HEY, I PAY YOUR SALARY, SMART...

HEY! I'LL GET THE CAPTAIN.

THANK YOU.

I TAKE IT YOU'RE
BOTNIK... SIDNEY M.?

FASCIST.

YES, WELL,

I'M AFRAID I FOUND IT
QUITE DISHEARTENING

TO HEAR ABOUT YOUR LITTLE
CRIME SPREE THIS MORNING.

HEY, I ONLY TOOK WHAT
WAS RIGHTFULLY MINE.

YOU PEOPLE.

MR. WALKER, I'M CAPTAIN MILLER.

CAPTAIN.

I TAKE IT YOU'RE HERE WITH
REGARDS TO MR. BOTNIK.

UNFORTUNATELY, CAPTAIN,
MR. BOTNIK IS IN VIOLATION

OF ARTICLE 26, SECTION 2233,

WHICH STATES QUITE CLEARLY
THAT ANY ATTEMPTED RESCUE

OF SEIZED PROPERTY IS A FELONY.

HE BELONGS TO US NOW.

OH. DEBTOR'S PRISON.

SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

Botnik: YOU SHOULD
BE ARRESTING HIM.

I MEAN, HE CAME IN AND
TOOK MY WHOLE RESTAURANT

LIKE IT WAS NOTHING.

HE'S TRYING TO RUIN MY LIFE!

THAT'S MY JOB.

WELL, THAT MAY BE,
MR. WALKER, BUT QUITE FRANKLY,

I'M A LITTLE CONFUSED
BY YOUR METHODS.

OH?

ACCORDING TO MR. BOTNIK,

THERE WAS NO PRIOR
NOTIFICATION OF ACTION.

THERE WAS NO WARRANT
TO ENTER THE PREMISES,

NO COURT ORDER TO CLOSE IT DOWN.

THE WHOLE THING SOUNDS
BLATANTLY UNCONSTITUTIONAL.

I KNOW.

WE'RE THE IRS. WE CAN DO THAT.

SO, CAPTAIN, IF YOU'LL
JUST SIGN THIS RELEASE,

I'LL HAVE A FEDERAL MARSHAL
HERE SHORTLY TO COLLECT HIM.

ALL RIGHT, BUT WE'RE GONNA
NEED SOME INFORMATION, TOO.

MR. WALKER, SERGEANT HARRIS.

OVER HERE, ADOLF.

ALFRED.

UH, YEAH. MY MISTAKE. SIT DOWN.

WHAT THE HELL ARE
YOU STILL DOING HERE?

EVERYBODY KEEPS SAYING THAT.

SOCIAL CALL!

SERGEANT HARRIS.

AH.

SERGEANT DIETRICH.

WHAT'S THIS?

"BON VOYAGE" CARD.

IT'S JUST MY LITTLE
WAY OF SAYING "I HEARD."

AH. HOW THOUGHTFUL.

UH, SIR, I JUST GOT WIND

OF YOUR PENDING AND CRIPPLING
SHORTAGE OF MANPOWER...

TOMORROW MORNING AT 9:00.

PLAINCLOTHES, SIR? PLAINCLOTHES.

THE WHOLE MONTH, SIR? WE'LL SEE.

THANK YOU, SIR.

BLESS YOU, SIR.

YOU GOT A GREAT WALL.

CAPTAIN.

AH, MISS FITZJAMES, ANY LUCK?

I'M AFRAID NOT.

I CALLED THE LIKELY PLACES,

AND NOTHING'S TURNED UP
YET AND PROBABLY WON'T.

I GUESS INSURANCE COVERS IT.

I GUESS.

WELL, WE... WELL,
THEN, UH, MILLER,

IF, UH... YOU KNOW, IF YOU
DON'T NEED ME ANYMORE,

I'LL JUST GET OUT OF YOUR HAIR.

I'LL JUST HEAD BACK DOWNTOWN.

FEEL FREE.

RIGHT.

MEN!

WELL, CAPTAIN,

IF THERE'S NOTHING
ELSE YOU CAN POSSIBLY...

I'M AFRAID THAT'S IT.

WHAT'S A GIRL TO DO, HUH?

GLAD YOU DIDN'T GET HURT.

THANK YOU.

GOODBYE, CAPTAIN.

MA'AM.

SERGEANT.

TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF.

I'LL DO MY BEST, SERGEANT.

ALLOW ME.

AFTER YOU.

NICE GIRL.

BARNEY, I'M FINISHED
WITH MR. WALKER.

YOU CARE TO TAKE
ANOTHER CRACK AT HIM?

I'D LIKE THAT.

MR. WALKER.

YES, CAPTAIN?

MR. WALKER, I ADMIT THIS IS
NOT REALLY MY JURISDICTION,

AND WHILE MR. BOTNIK
HAS VIOLATED THE LAW...

WHAT HE DID WAS
MORE IN THE NATURE

OF A TANTRUM THAN A CRIME.

HE HAS BEEN TRYING TO
MEET HIS OBLIGATIONS.

IT OCCURS TO ME THAT IF YOU
GAVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE...

NO WAY.

HOW'S THE MAN GONNA PAY
YOU IF YOU GOT HIM IN JAIL?

I'M SORRY, BUT WE
HAVE AN EXAMPLE TO SET.

REALLY?

AFTER ALL, THERE ARE OTHER
MERCHANTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD.

THE NEXT TIME THEY'RE TEMPTED

TO STICK THEIR
FINGERS IN THE TILL

OR DEDUCT A PHONY BUSINESS LUNCH

OR WRITE OFF THAT
WEEK IN THE BAHAMAS,

WHICH I CAN'T EVEN AFFORD,

THEY'LL PICTURE MR. BOTNIK'S
LITTLE WAFFLE HUT,

ALL BOARDED UP AND BROKEN DOWN.

AND MAYBE NEXT TIME THEY'LL
THINK TWICE ABOUT CHEATING ME.

- "ME"?
- YES.

WELL, US ME.

THE UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT.

AT ANY RATE, DO YOU
HAVE SOMETHING FOR ME?

ALL RIGHT, YOU SIGN THIS
ONE, AND I'LL SIGN YOURS.

WE REALLY APPRECIATE
YOU COMING DOWN.

MY PLEASURE.

HERE YOU GO.

THANK YOU.

GOODBYE, MR. BOTNIK.

NO HARD FEELINGS.

YOU'RE FILTH. YOU KNOW THAT?

CERTAINLY.

TELL A FRIEND.

READY TO ROLL, BARN.

UH, HARRIS?

WHAT?

IT'S ALMOST CHECKOUT TIME.

WHY DON'T YOU TO HEAD DOWN
TO THE HOTEL AND CHECK IN?

WE GOT TO STOP OFF AT MY
PLACE FIRST, PICK UP MY CLARINET.

THIS IS YOUR FAULT.

SERGEANT, I, TOO,
HAD OTHER PLANS.

OH, GOOD.

REMEMBER, ONE OF YOU GUYS

HAS GOT TO KEEP AN
EYE ON HIM AT ALL TIMES.

RIGHT, BARN.

KEEP AN EYE ON
YOURSELVES, TOO, HUH?

SOME OF THOSE TONG GANGS

WOULD JUST AS SOON SLIT
YOUR THROAT AS LOOK AT YOU.

AT LEAST THERE'S A BRIGHT SIDE.

COME ON, MR. LING. LET'S GO.

IF WE MUST.

LET'S GO, ARTHUR.

COMING.

HOPE YOU GUYS DON'T GET
ON EACH OTHER'S NERVES.

NO, WE'LL BE OKAY.

PILLOW FIGHT AT 9:00, RIGHT?

OH, PLEASE.