Barney Miller (1975–1982): Season 7, Episode 9 - Movie: Part 1 - full transcript

BUT, MA'AM, WE
CANNOT ARREST THE MAN

IF HE HASN'T DONE ANYTHING.

LOOK... LOOK, LADY, HE'S
BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TWO DAYS.

GIVE HIM A CHANCE.

YEAH, RIGHT. BYE.

MISS LILLIAN AGAIN?

YOU KNOW, THE GUY'S...

GUY'S STILL PROBABLY
TRYING TO FIND HIS WAY

AROUND THE HOUSE,

PEOPLE ARE ALREADY COMPLAINING.

SURE, DURING THE CAMPAIGN THE
CANDIDATE MAKES A LOT OF PROMISES.



- RIGHT?
- MM-HM.

THIS CREATES A LOT OF
UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS,

SO NOW PEOPLE ARE SITTING AROUND

WAITING FOR HIM TO SOLVE

A LOT OF COMPLICATED
PROBLEMS OVERNIGHT.

YEAH.

I WANT THAT CANAL
BACK BY TUESDAY.

HERE YOU GO, SERGEANT HARRIS.

WHAT'S THE LAST WORD
ON THAT PAGE I JUST TYPED?

- THIS?
- YEAH.

"WITH."

OH, BEFORE THAT.

"AS VICKI WRITHES
IN FEIGN PROTEST,

HER BREASTS HEAVE
WITH"... THANK YOU.



YES?

I WANT TO SEE WHAT
THEY HEAVED WITH.

CAN THEY DO THAT?

SERGEANT HARRIS
WORKING ON A NEW NOVEL?

- MOVIE.
- OH, CAN YOU BUY
TICKETS NOW?

HELLO, MEN.

UH, FOR THOSE OF YOU
WHO ARE INTERESTED,

I JUST GOT OFF THE PHONE
WITH INTERNAL AFFAIRS.

LIEUTENANT SCANLON

WILL BE DROPPING
BY SOMETIME TODAY.

OH, HO. WHAT FOR?

HE DIDN'T SAY.

HUH.

WELL, I'M NOT GONNA
WORRY ABOUT IT.

I SEE NO REASON WHY YOU SHOULD.

IT COULD BE ABOUT
ANYBODY, RIGHT?

RIGHT.

SO, HOW COME YOU'RE
ONLY TALKING TO ME?

WHY DON'T YOU JUST
WAIT AND SEE, WOJO?

SURE.

HOW YOU DOING WITH THAT SCRIPT?

JUST WHIPPING IT OUT.

"'FOUR WOMEN, ' BY RON HARRIS"?

TWO AND THREE WERE TAKEN.

I SEE.

AH, YOU MUST HAVE A
HUNDRED PAGES HERE.

THANK YOU, BARNEY.

HARRIS, LET ME REMIND YOU

OF THE ORIGINAL INTENTION
OF THIS ASSIGNMENT,

WHICH WAS TO COME UP WITH
A MODEST LITTLE SKIN FLICK

WHICH WE COULD THEN DISTRIBUTE
ON THE PEEP-SHOW CIRCUIT

SO AS TO GET A BETTER
IDEA OF HOW THEY OPERATE.

I KNOW THAT.

I'M NOT ALL THAT CERTAIN
THAT THIS WHOLE PROJECT

WAS SUCH A GREAT
IDEA TO BEGIN WITH,

BUT IF WE'RE GONNA DO IT,

CAN WE DO IT AS
SIMPLY AS POSSIBLE?

BARNEY, IF WE'RE GONNA
MAKE ANY HEADWAY,

WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO
MAKE A DECENT FILM HERE.

I CAN APPRECIATE THAT.

I'LL BE THE FIRST TO ADMIT
THAT IT'S BEEN MANY YEARS...

MANY, MANY, YEARS...

SINCE I SAW A FILM
OF THIS GENRE.

HOWEVER, IF MEMORY SERVES,

I RECALL THEM AS
BEING QUITE BRIEF,

CERTAINLY LESS CONVERSATIONAL.

YOUR BACHELOR PARTY, BARNEY?

MY BEST MAN'S COUSIN
HAD A PROJECTOR,

AND HE WENT UP TO YONKERS...

LOOK, BARNEY...

YOU'RE SIMPLY GOING
TO HAVE TO REALIZE

THAT THE PEOPLE WHO
PATRONIZE TODAY'S EROTIC FILMS

ARE A LOT MORE SOPHISTICATED

THAN YOU AND YOUR FRIENDS WERE.

THESE PEOPLE HAVE COME TO EXPECT

REALLY GOOD PRODUCTION VALUES,

WELL-DEFINED
CHARACTERS, VIABLE STORIES,

A MUSICAL SCORE.

MIDGETS.

- SIR?
- YEAH.

GOT A DISTURBANCE AT AN
E.R.A. RALLY AND BAKE SALE

OVER AT WASHINGTON SQUARE.

ALL RIGHT, YOU AND DIETRICH.

LOOK, HARRIS, THIS
IS YOUR PROJECT,

AND I DON'T WANT TO TELL
YOU HOW TO HANDLE IT...

BUT...

BUT... PLEASE REMEMBER
THAT THE DEPARTMENT

HAS ALLOCATED JUST
SO MUCH MONEY AND TIME

TO THE WHOLE PROJECT.

AND AT THE RISK OF COMPROMISING
YOUR ARTISTIC INTEGRITY,

I WOULD APPRECIATE IT

IF YOU KEPT IT WITHIN
REASONABLE BOUNDS.

ALL RIGHT, BARN. I PROMISE.

- Wojo: UH, HARRIS?
- YEAH?

LINE TWO.

IT'S HENRI, YOUR SET DESIGNER.

EXCUSE ME.

HENRI!

UH, EXCUSE ME.

YEAH, UH...

DO YOU MIND?

NO.

ANY COMMENTS?

STILL LOOKING FOR
SOMETHING I HAVEN'T DONE YET.

HERE YOU GO.

YOU EVER TRY THAT?

NO, BUT LET ME MAKE A FEW CALLS.

MAIL!

PACKAGE FOR YOU,
SERGEANT HARRIS.

"MANHATTAN DUNGEON SUPPLY."

OH, GOOD. THANK YOU.

HERE YOU GO, SERGEANT.

THANK YOU.

HOW'S IT GOING?

OKAY.

- CAPTAIN IN?
- YEAH.

NICE TALKING TO YOU.

YEAH?

MAIL, SIR.

AH, THANK YOU, ZATELLI.

LISTEN. DO ME A FAVOR, WILL YOU?

ON YOUR WAY OUT, YOU
WANT TO FILE THESE?

- SURE.
- THANK YOU.

SO, I WAS DOWNSTAIRS, AND
I HAPPENED TO HEAR THAT,

UH, LIEUTENANT SCANLON
MIGHT BE STOPPING BY.

YES. THAT'S TRUE.

OH. WHAT FOR?

I WOULDN'T KNOW. WHY DO YOU ASK?

I'M STILL GAY, REMEMBER?

OH, YEAH.

HEY, EVEN I FORGET SOMETIMES.

ZATELLI, IT'S BEEN OVER A YEAR
SINCE YOU SENT THAT LETTER.

YOU HAVE YET TO
FOLLOW THROUGH ON IT.

I TOLD YOU GUYS.

WELL, WE APPRECIATE IT.

BUT, UH, HOW ABOUT
THE GUYS DOWNTOWN?

THEY KNOW.

I MEANT THE DEPARTMENT DOWNTOWN.

OH, THEM.

WHO DO THEY THINK THEY
ARE, PUSHING ME AROUND?!

BEATS ME.

SIR?

YEAH, I HEARD.

OH, BY THE WAY, ZATELLI,
UH, SCANLON'S COMING DOWN.

YEAH, I HEARD.

I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING.

ABOUT WHAT?

I'M TELLING YOU,
THIS ENTIRE EPISODE

IS GOING OUT OVER
THE AIRWAVES TONIGHT!

CAPTAIN, THIS IS PHILIP HELM.

HE'S A REPORTER WITH
A LOCAL RADIO STATION.

WLX ALL-NEWS RADIO 1610.

YOU EVER HEAR US?

I'M AFRAID NOT.

OF COURSE NOT. WHO CAN?!

WE'RE DROWNED OUT

BY THAT 50,000-WATT
SPANISH STATION IN NEWARK.

THEY BROADCAST BULLFIGHTS!

ACCORDING TO
WITNESSES AT THE RALLY,

MR. HELM ATTACKED A TV REPORTER

WHILE HE WAS DOING
AN ON-CAMERA INTERVIEW

WITH BELLA ABZUG.

SHE WAS MINE! HE STOLE HER!

THE REPORTER
SUFFERED A BRUISED RIB,

MAY HAVE LOST A COUPLE OF CAPS.

I WAS JUST SICK AND TIRED
OF BEING PUSHED AROUND!

HERE I AM, OUT IN THE FIELD,

TRYING TO DO MY
JOB, GET MY STORY.

AND THEN ALONG COME THE
PRETTY BOYS FROM TELEVISION,

DRIVING UP IN THEIR
FANCY STATION WAGONS...

THEIR BIG LIGHTS,
THEIR MINICAMS.

SUDDENLY, I'M NOBODY.

PEOPLE ARE ALL TRAMPLING
ALL OVER EACH OTHER,

TRYING TO GET ON TELEVISION!

I MAY BE POPPING UP ON
THE 11:00 NEWS TONIGHT.

THE REPORTER'S COMING
DOWN LATER TO FILE A COMPLAINT.

OKAY, MR. HELM...

YOU KNOW, I USED
TO BE ON TELEVISION,

RIGHT HERE IN NEW YORK!

I SEE. IF YOU'LL JUST HAVE A...

THAT WAS IN THE DAYS WHEN
THEY USED JOURNALISTS,

NOT MALE MODELS.

MR. HELM...

I DON'T HAVE THE
JORDACHE LOOK. SUE ME!

DON'T TELL ME.

OFFICER ZATELLI, RIGHT?

YEAH.

THANKS, UH, FOR
REMEMBERING, SIR.

HEY, THAT'S MY JOB.

SERGEANT, UH, HARRIS.

LIEUTENANT SCANLON.

MASQUERADE PARTY?

MNH-MNH... LOUNGEWEAR.

VERY NICE.

- LIEUTENANT SCANLON.
- CAPTAIN!

SERGEANT WOJCIEHOWICZ.

I HAVEN'T COME AT
A BAD TIME, HAVE I?

NO.

TOO BAD.

WHAT BRINGS YOU DOWN, SCANLON?

HE DOES.

WHAT'S IT ABOUT?

OH, IT'S A LITTLE
COMPLAINT WE GOT.

YEAH? ABOUT WHAT?

SEXUAL HARASSMENT OF A SUSPECT.

- I HAVEN'T BUSTED A HOOKER
IN OVER THREE MONTHS.
- WHO SAID "HOOKER"?

- THAT'S THE ONLY KIND OF WOMAN...
- WHO SAID "WOMAN"?

WHAT?

"ON JANUARY 4th OF THIS YEAR,

"AT APPROXIMATELY 8:30 P.M.,

"IN THE VICINITY OF
WASHINGTON SQUARE,

THE OFFICER IN
QUESTION"... THAT'S YOU...

"WHILE IN THE
PROCESS OF ARRESTING

"ONE ANTHONY SCHISSLER,

"DID WILLFULLY AND
WITHOUT DUE CAUSE

"MOLEST, ABUSE,

"AND SEXUALLY
HUMILIATE THE ABOVE...

"IN THE PARK... IN THE DARK."

THE GUY'S FULL OF IT!

- OH, YEAH?
- YEAH!

WOJO, DO YOU REMEMBER
THAT, UH, ARREST?

SURE.

WHAT HAPPENED?

I SAW THIS PUNK RIP OFF
AN OLD MAN'S WALLET,

SO I WENT AFTER HIM.

I CHASED HIM HALFWAY
ACROSS THE PARK.

YOU REALLY WANTED HIM, HUH?

ANYWAY... WHEN I
CAUGHT UP TO HIM,

THE GUY STUCK THE
WALLET DOWN HIS PANTS

AND SAID I HAD THE WRONG GUY.

SO I TOLD HIM, "HAND
OVER THE WALLET."

AND HE REFUSED, SO I
REACHED IN AND GOT IT.

THEN WHAT, DINNER AND DANCING?

- SCANLON, WHY DON'T YOU JUST...
- ALL RIGHT.

I AM MERELY TELLING YOU
WHAT THE YOUNG LAD ALLEGED.

YOU ADMIT YOU
REACHED INTO HIS PANTS.

THE QUESTION IS IF YOU DID IT

WITH EXCESSIVE
FORCE AND... AFFECTION.

I DON'T HAVE TO LISTEN TO THIS!

WOJO, DURING THE
COURSE OF THIS ARREST,

DID YOU DO ANYTHING

THAT IN ANY WAY COULD
BE CONSIDERED IMPROPER?

NO!

YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN?

BARNEY, WHAT IS THIS?!

HEY, THIS IS ME
YOU'RE TALKING TO,

NOT ZATELLI!

ZATELLI?

WELL, I'M FINISHED.

YOU KNOW, I WAS UP FOR
AN ANCHOR SPOT LAST YEAR

AT ONE OF THE LOCAL CHANNELS.

GOING TO PUT YOU IN
THE CAGE NOW, MR. HELM.

32 YEARS EXPERIENCE
IN BACK OF ME...

UPI, NETWORK RADIO, NEWSREELS.

I COVERED WARS, REVOLUTIONS.

I INTERVIEWED CHE
GUEVARA IN A CAVE,

AND YOU KNOW WHAT THEY TOLD ME?

- WHAT?
- I WAS ABRASIVE.

YOU'RE KIDDING.

EXCUSE ME.

OH, YOU'RE MAKING TEA.

LOOKS LIKE.

EXCUSE ME.

YOU KNOW, UH... I DIDN'T, UH...

I DIDN'T DO THAT
ON... ON PURPOSE.

UH... IT JUST SLIPPED OUT.

MM-HMM.

I FEEL LIKE SOME KIND OF JUDAS.

THAT'S ALL RIGHT.

AT LEAST YOU
DIDN'T KISS HIM FIRST.

HEY, WOJO, MAN,
IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT.

IN THE HEAT OF THE MOMENT,

ANYBODY COULD SAY SOMETHING
REALLY STUPID LIKE THAT.

THANKS A LOT, HARRIS.

OH, SURE.

THAT GOES DOUBLE FOR ME.

I WAS THE FIELD ASSOCIATE,
AND I'M DISGUSTED.

LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT.

YOU'RE GAY.

YES, SIR.

AND YOU KNEW, RIGHT?

RIGHT.

OH, WHERE DO I BEGIN?

WHY DON'T YOU BEGIN
BY GETTING TO THE POINT?

WELL, THE POINT IS
THAT THIS MAN OF YOURS

OPENED UP A CAN OF WORMS
WITH THAT SNOTTY LETTER OF HIS.

"I'M GAY.

"I'M A GOOD COP.

GUESS WHO?"

THE DEPARTMENT DOWNTOWN

DON'T LIKE TO READ
THAT ANONYMOUS JUNK

UNLESS THEY KNOW WHO SENT IT!

SCANLON, I AGREE WITH YOU.

HMM?

YEAH, I THINK YOU'RE RIGHT.

ZATELLI SHOULD HAVE
SIGNED THAT LETTER.

BUT, OBVIOUSLY,

THE MAN HAD CERTAIN,
UH, APPREHENSIONS.

YEAH, I WAS AFRAID.

AFRAID OF WHAT?

YOU.

BUT WHY?

I MEAN, I LIKE TO
THINK OF MYSELF

AS BEING A PRETTY
COMPASSIONATE GUY.

I MEAN, EASY TO TALK TO...

FAIR-MINDED... NOT UNATTRACTIVE.

NOW, WHY WERE YOU AFRAID?

I DON'T KNOW NOW.

YOU SEE, IF YOU HAD JUST COME

AND OPENED UP TO ME,

I'M SURE WE COULD HAVE
WORKED THIS WHOLE THING OUT.

REALLY?

BUT YOU DIDN'T.

SO NOW YOU'RE DOGMEAT!

SCANLON!

WE BOTH KNOW THAT
OFFICIAL DEPARTMENTAL POLICY

PROHIBITS DISCIPLINARY ACTION

OR ANY DISCRIMINATION OF
ANY KIND AGAINST AN OFFICER

BECAUSE OF HIS
SEXUAL PREFERENCE.

I-I KNOW THAT.

AND THAT'S BECAUSE THE
DEPARTMENT FEELS THAT,

UH, AN OFFICER SHOULD NOT
BE, UH, PUBLICLY DISGRACED,

BUT DESERVES THE OPPORTUNITY

TO, UH, MAKE HIS
PEACE WITH HIMSELF

AND THEN DO THE RIGHT THING.

WHAT ARE YOU SUGGESTING?

WE LEAVE ZATELLI
ALONE IN THE ROOM

WITH A SERVICE REVOLVER
AND ONE CEREMONIAL BULLET?

I COULD USE A CUP OF COFFEE.

I'M ONLY KIDDING.

YOUR RESIGNATION WILL
BE GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME.

UH, YES.

I'M RON HARRIS,
INDEPENDENT FILMMAKER.

I WAS REFERRED TO YOUR
COMPANY IN REGARD TO SOME, UH,

STOCK FOOTAGE
REQUIREMENTS I HAVE.

UH, SURE.

UM, I'M GONNA NEED
THE MANHATTAN SKYLINE...

DAY AND NIGHT...
ASSORTED STREET SCENES...

UM, YOU KNOW, TIMES
SQUARE, THAT SORT OF THING.

UH-HUH. YEAH.

ALSO, I'M GONNA NEED,
UM, A FIREWORKS DISPLAY.

UH-HUH.

A VOLCANO... MOUNT SAINT HELENS?

HEY, THAT'LL BE FINE.

UH, HEY, LOOK, AND,
UH, IF CAN GET IT,

DO YOU REMEMBER THAT OLD
PUFFED WHEAT COMMERCIAL?

RIGHT, RIGHT, RIGHT...
WITH THE CANNONS.

OH, NO. NO, NO.

IF YOU CAN'T GET
WHEAT, RICE WILL BE FINE.

YEAH. BYE.

HEY, UH, ZATELLI?

WHAT?

UH, HOW'D IT GO IN THERE?

THEY'RE STILL TALKING.

WELL, YOU WANT TO
HAVE SOME COFFEE?

IT'S A FRESH POT.

NO, THANKS. I THINK I'LL
JUST HAVE SOME WATER.

I'M SORRY.

THAT'S OKAY.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED.

I JUST, UM... I GOT ON THE SPOT,

AND YOU WERE THE FIRST GAY GUY

THAT POPPED INTO MY HEAD.

ENOUGH SAID, OKAY?

HI. JED BRINKMAN. ACTION NEWS.

DID YOU TELL CRONKITE, TOO?

HI. JED BRINKMAN. ACTION NEWS.

THEY KNOW THAT!

LOOK, HELM...

I CAN APPRECIATE YOUR
HOSTILITY TOWARD ME...

I MEAN, BEING STUCK
IN RADIO AND ALL.

BUT THE POINT IS, WE'RE
BOTH PROFESSIONALS,

WITH A COMMON OBLIGATION
TO GIVE THE PEOPLE THE NEWS

IN AN ACCURATE, IMPARTIAL,
AND TIMELY MANNER.

SO?

SO, YOU TORE MY BLAZER!

MR. BRINKMAN, YOU
WANT TO STEP OVER HERE?

I'LL ALSO HAVE TO RELUCTANTLY
MENTION IN MY REPORT

YOUR UNFORTUNATE ROLE
IN THIS SEAMY COVER-UP.

FINE.

I'M LEAVING, ZATELLI.

HOW ABOUT YOU?

LOOK, IF YOU'RE ASKING
ME IF I'M GONNA RESIGN,

I'M NOT GONNA.

- OH?
- MM-HM.

THAT'S YOUR PREROGATIVE.

I CERTAINLY WANT TO
WISH YOU THE BEST OF LUCK

WITH WHAT'S LEFT OF YOUR CAREER.

AND I KNOW YOU'LL ALSO WANT
TO ASSURE OFFICER ZATELLI

THAT HE'S FREE TO
PURSUE THAT CAREER

WITHOUT FEAR OF HARASSMENT

AND WITH THE SAME OPPORTUNITIES

FOR ADVANCEMENT
AS ANY OTHER OFFICER.

OKAY.

SO LONG.

HEY, WHAT ABOUT ME?

WHAT ABOUT YOU?

THE COMPLAINT...
THE GUY IN THE PARK?

OH. YEAH.

FORGET IT.

THE PUNK'S STORY
HAD ENOUGH HOLES IN IT

TO MAKE A SWISS CHEESE.

RIGHT.

ANYWAY, IT WAS
REALLY JUST AN EXCUSE

TO COME DOWN AND SAY HI.

HI.

Dietrich: CAPTAIN...

I FINISHED TYPING UP THE
COMPLAINT AGAINST HELM.

YOU WANT TO TALK TO THE
GUY BEFORE HE SIGNS IT?

Brinkman: SERGEANT...

I REALLY HAVE TO GET
BACK TO THE STUDIO.

I'M ON THE AIR IN THREE HOURS,

AND I WANT TO GET THERE
BEFORE MAKEUP BACKS UP.

HAVE YOU MET CAPTAIN MILLER?

HI. JED BRINKMAN. ACTION NEWS.

JUST WANTED YOU TO HEAR IT.

MR. BRINKMAN, UH...

YOU'RE GONNA SIGN A
COMPLAINT AGAINST MR. HELM?

I DON'T LIKE BEING MUSSED.

CERTAINLY YOU COULD SEE THE MAN

WAS UNDER EMOTIONAL STRAIN.

I'M SURE HE REGRETS HIS ACTIONS.

NO, I DON'T!

AND I'D DO IT
AGAIN... MANNEQUIN!

SIGN OVER THERE.

I MINORED IN BROADCAST
COMMUNICATIONS.

VERY IMPRESSIVE.

I WAS CONDUCTING A
VERY IN-DEPTH INTERVIEW

WITH MS. ABZUG.

YOU WERE TALKING ABOUT HATS!

HEY, PEOPLE EAT THAT STUFF UP.

I'M SURE THEY DO.

OH.

SO YOU'RE ONE OF THEM.

EXCUSE ME?

NEWS SNOB, RIGHT?

THE TYPE THAT LIKES
IT STRAIGHT, NO FRILLS?

"BILL MOYER'S JOURNAL,"
"MacNEIL/LEHRER REPORT."

I BET YOU READ THE PAPER.

I'M SORRY.

Dietrich: MR. BRINKMAN,

WANT TO STEP OVER
HERE TO THE ACTION DESK?

LOOK...

I DIDN'T PLAN ON THIS
THING COMING OUT THIS WAY.

BUT THEN AGAIN, I PROBABLY
WOULDN'T HAVE HAD ENOUGH GUTS

TO DO IT ON MY OWN.

SO I JUST WANT TO SAY,
THANKS FOR DOING IT FOR ME.

GLAD I COULD HELP.

HEY, I'M NOT WORRIED.

THINGS ARE GONNA WORK OUT OKAY.

RIGHT.

BUT JUST IN CASE I
DON'T SEE YOU AGAIN...

NICE KNOWING YOU.

OH, HI.

THIS IS RON HARRIS...
STARRY NIGHT PRODUCTIONS.

IS THIS KITTEN?

WELL, LISTEN.

I RECEIVED YOUR
PICTURE AND RéSUMé,

AND YOU APPEAR
TO BE A YOUNG LADY

WITH A VERY IMPRESSIVE
SET OF... CREDITS.

UH, NO.

I DIDN'T HAVE A CHANCE
TO SEE "DIAPER GIRLS,"

BUT, UH, I UNDERSTAND
YOU WERE QUITE GOOD IN IT.

YEAH.

ANYWAY, LOOK.

I'LL BE AUDITIONING ACTRESSES
STARTING NEXT WEEK.

YEAH.

I'LL GIVE YOU A CALL
BACK WITH THE DETAILS.

HEY, LOOK.

OF COURSE, YOU UNDERSTAND

THAT THIS INVOLVES A
GOOD DEAL OF NUDITY

AND EXPLICIT SEXUAL ACTIVITY?

NO, NOT AT THE AUDITION.
SAVE IT FOR THE MOVIE.

GOODBYE, KITTY.

HARRIS.

UM, YEAH, BARN?

I JUST GOT OFF THE PHONE
WITH DISBURSEMENTS.

OH, SO THEY'RE CALLING YOU NOW.

THEY'RE A LITTLE CONCERNED

WITH SOME OF THOSE
EXPENSE VOUCHERS

YOU'VE BEEN PUTTING IN.

ACCORDING TO THEM,

YOU HAVEN'T SHOT
ONE FOOT OF FILM,

AND YOU'RE ALMOST
OVER BUDGET ALREADY!

THIS BUSINESS IS BEING
RUINED BY ACCOUNTANTS.

HARRIS, YOU GOT CAMERA
PEOPLE ON RETAINER,

A LIGHTING CONSULTANT...

YOU'VE ALREADY SPENT
$600 ON SET DESIGN!

YOU LIKE IT?

BARN, I GOT VICKI'S APARTMENT.

YOU SEE, THIS IS THE BEDROOM

AND, UH, THE MIRRORS ON THE WALL

AND A TRAPEZE.

UH, BARNEY, UH, THIS
IS THE, UH, OFFICE SET,

AND, OF COURSE,
THE, UH... THE DISCO,

AND, UM, THIS IS THE
MONKS' QUARTERS.

ASSUMING YOU COULD
BUILD ALL THAT STUFF,

WHICH IS HIGHLY UNLIKELY
ON THE $450 YOU GOT LEFT,

WHERE IN GOD'S NAME
WOULD YOU PUT IT?

OH, I RENTED ASTORIA STUDIOS.

HARRIS, THIS IS
GETTING OUT OF HAND.

OH, BARNEY, COME ON!

THEY DIDN'T BOTHER CIMINO

UNTIL HE WENT PAST 40 MILLION!

LAST MAIL CALL.

HARRIS.

THANK YOU.

WOJCIEHOWICZ.

OCCUPANT.

CAPTAIN MILLER.

THAT'S IT FOR ME.

ZATELLI... I'VE BEEN
TRANSFERRED.

Wojo: OH, YOU'RE KIDDING.

NO. IT CAME DOWN THIS MORNING.

I CAN MAKE A COUPLE
OF PHONE CALLS.

CAPTAIN, PLEASE DON'T BOTHER.

I'M MOVING UP.

"UP"?

I'VE BEEN ASSIGNED DOWNTOWN...

ADMINISTRATIVE ASSISTANT IN
THE CHIEF INSPECTOR'S OFFICE.

- OH, YEAH?
- UH-HUH.

I THINK I GOT SOMEBODY
UPSTAIRS WHO...

WHO'S A PAISAN.

ITALIAN?

YEAH. THAT, TOO.

WELL, CONGRATULATIONS.

GOOD LUCK, ZATELLI.

THANK YOU, CAPTAIN. THANKS.

I THOUGHT I RUINED HIM.

APPARENTLY NOT.

THIS COULD BE THE BEST THING

THAT EVER HAPPENED
TO HIS CAREER.

I'M GAY.

WORTH A SHOT.