Barney Miller (1975–1982): Season 7, Episode 17 - The Doll - full transcript

HEY, RON.

HEY, ARTHUR.

HI, DIETRICH.

HEY, CARL.

COFFEE'S NOT READY YET.

THAT'S ALL RIGHT. I CAN WAIT.

DID YOU DO ANYTHING LAST NIGHT?

WENT TO THE MOVIES.

FOREIGN FILM?

"THREE STOOGES"
FESTIVAL AT THE GRAMERCY.

REALLY, I WOULDN'T HAVE
THOUGHT YOU WENT IN



FOR THAT SORT OF THING.

ARE YOU KIDDING?
THEY'RE MY FAVORITES.

I THINK THEY'RE ONE OF THE
MOST UNDERRATED COMEDY TEAMS

OF THE '30s AND '40s.

SURREALISTIC USE OF
VIOLENCE AND MAYHEM.

THE ALMOST CHEKHOVIAN
INTERPLAY BETWEEN CURLY AND MOE.

I LIKE THE ONES WITH SHEMP.

I DON'T THINK WE HAVE
ANYTHING FURTHER

TO SAY TO EACH OTHER.

CAN I HELP YOU?

I WANT TO REPORT A KIDNAPPING.

OKAY, I'M SERGEANT WOJCIEHOWICZ.

YOU WANT TO HAVE A SEAT
OVER HERE AT MY DESK?

COME ON.



YOU'RE MISS, UH...

LAWSON, CHRISTINE LAWSON.
SOMEBODY'S TAKEN HER.

OKAY, YOU JUST SIT DOWN
AND RELAX, ALL RIGHT?

COME ON.

OKAY, MISS LAWSON.

CAN YOU TELL ME
WHO WAS KIDNAPPED?

VICTORIA ELLEN.

SHE'S NEVER DONE
ANYTHING TO ANYONE.

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
WHEN DID YOU SEE HER LAST?

ABOUT 7:30 LAST NIGHT.

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

MISS LAWSON, THAT'S
NOT A LONG TIME AGO.

ARE YOU SURE SHE DIDN'T JUST
GO SOMEWHERE BY HERSELF?

THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE.

OKAY, IT'S JUST THAT...

IF IT IS A KIDNAPPING, WE
MAY HAVE TO CALL IN THE FBI.

GOOD.

OKAY, THEN, LET'S GET
SOME MORE INFORMATION.

WHAT'S HER ADDRESS?

418 CHRISTOPHER STREET.

THAT'S WHERE MY SHOP IS.

WHICH SHOP IS THAT?

THE SHOP I OWN...

CHRISTINE'S DOLLS
AND MINIATURES.

DOES SHE HAVE A
ROOM THERE, OR...

NO, SHE MOSTLY
STAYS IN THE WINDOW.

HUH.

ARE WE TALKING ABOUT A DOLL?

YES.

SHOULD I HAVE
MENTIONED THAT EARLIER?

SURE, I REALIZE EXPERT
LEGAL ASSISTANCE ISN'T CHEAP,

BUT I STILL DON'T UNDERSTAND
WHY IT COSTS SO MUCH.

I MEAN, LOOK, YOU'RE
BILLING ME HERE

FOR 37 HOURS OF
WORK AT $165 AN HOUR.

YEAH, I MEAN, JUST WHAT
DOES THAT TIME INCLUDE?

RESEARCH.

UH, YEAH, DEPOSITIONS.

FILINGS... I UNDERSTAND.

TELEPHONE CONSULTATION
WITH THE CLIENT.

DO YOU MEAN LIKE NOW?

BYE.

GOOD MORNING, GENTLEMEN.

MORNING, CAPTAIN.

HARRIS.

BARNEY, THIS LAWSUIT
IS A NIGHTMARE.

I ASSUME YOU'RE REFERRING
TO "BLOOD ON THE BADGE," ET AL.

BARNEY, IT'S COSTING ME A
FORTUNE IN LEGAL FEES ALREADY,

AND WE HAVEN'T EVEN
GONE TO TRIAL YET.

AND I'M NOT SO SURE
WE'RE READY TO GO TO TRIAL,

AND IT STARTS IN 10 DAYS.

- I KNOW.
- HUH?

I WAS HANDED THIS THIS MORNING.

BARNEY, I DIDN'T TELL
THEM TO SUBPOENA YOU.

IT'S NOT FROM YOU. IT'S
FROM RIPNER'S ATTORNEYS.

YOU MEAN THEY WANT YOU
TO TESTIFY FOR THEIR SIDE?

OH, THEY MUST BE
OUT OF THEIR MINDS.

WELL, I WAS PRESENT

DURING MOST OF THE
INCIDENTS IN QUESTION,

AND I GUESS THEY FIGURE MY
TESTIMONY WOULD BE HELPFUL.

SO... JUST OUT OF CURIOSITY,

BARN, WHAT DO
YOU PLAN ON SAYING?

I DON'T KNOW.

WHATEVER QUESTIONS THEY ASK ME,

I'LL ANSWER THEM AS TRUTHFULLY,
AS HONESTLY AS POSSIBLE.

OH.

HEY, LOOK, I'M NOT...

OH, THAT'S OKAY, BARN.

I MEAN, WE CAN
ALWAYS RIP YOU APART

DURING CROSS-EXAMINATION.

GOOD MORNING, BARNEY.
THIS IS MISS CHRISTINE LAWSON.

THIS IS CAPTAIN MILLER.

MISS LAWSON OWNS A DOLL
SHOP OVER ON CHRISTOPHER,

AND SOMEBODY BROKE IN LAST
NIGHT AND STOLE ONE OF HER DOLLS.

THEY RANSACKED HER HOUSE

AND RUMMAGED THROUGH
HER PERSONAL THINGS.

APPARENTLY, IT'S
WORTH ABOUT $5,000.

$5,000?

I TAKE IT THIS IS AN ANTIQUE.

SHE'LL BE 136 IN APRIL.

I SEE.

SHE ORIGINALLY
BELONGED TO GUSTAV,

CROWN PRINCE OF BAVARIA.

HE NEVER MARRIED.

UM, WELL, MISS LAWSON,

I ASSURE YOU WE'LL DO EVERYTHING
WE CAN TO RETRIEVE... HER.

HARRIS, YOU AND WOJO
WANT TO CHECK IT OUT?

I JUST HOPE THEY
DON'T MISTREAT HER.

SHE'S NOT USED TO BEING
TOUCHED BY STRANGE PEOPLE.

LET'S KEEP A GOOD THOUGHT.

CAPTAIN, WE HAD A
DISTURBANCE ON BROADWAY.

ALL RIGHT, YOU AND... SHEMP.

FINE.

NEVER LET YOU FORGET.

UH, YEAH.

SHE'S ABOUT 1'10", 3 1/2
POUNDS, BLONDE HAIR,

PORCELAIN COMPLEXION,

WEARING AN AUSTRIAN
WEDDING GOWN.

NO, SHE'S NOT IN TROUBLE.

WE JUST WANT TO TALK TO HER.

YOU KNOW, IT'S
NOT JUST THE $5,000

IT WOULD COST TO REPLACE
HER THAT CONCERNS ME.

IT'S JUST THAT I'VE HAD
VICTORIA IN MY SHOP

FOR NEARLY THREE YEARS NOW,

AND, WELL, YOU GROW
ATTACHED TO THINGS.

I UNDERSTAND.

I REMEMBER THE DAY I BOUGHT HER.

I WAS IN A LITTLE
TOY STORE IN VIENNA.

THEY HAD HER SITTING
IN A ROCKING CHAIR.

I REMEMBER WONDERING

IF THIS LITTLE PIECE
OF CLOTH AND CHINA

WAS REALLY WORTH $200.

THAT'S WHAT YOU PAID FOR HER?

UH-HUH.

THAT MEANS THAT...

THAT MEANS SHE'S APPRECIATED
2,500% IN THREE YEARS?

DOLLS ARE AN EXCELLENT
HEDGE AGAINST INFLATION.

OH.

AND YOU CAN DRESS THEM, TOO.

I THINK I'D LIKE THAT.

YES?

WELL, I MEAN, I THINK I
MIGHT BE INTERESTED

IN ADOPTING ONE OR TWO.

YOU'D GIVE THEM A GOOD HOME?

OH, I'VE GOT A SAFE-DEPOSIT
BOX JUST WAITING FOR THEM.

PARDON ME.

INSIDE, BUCK ROGERS.

I'M TELLING YOU, I
HAVE RESERVATIONS.

SO DO WE.

THIS IS EUGENE CORBETT...

DISORDERLY CONDUCT,
DESTRUCTION OF PRIVATE PROPERTY.

WE PICKED HIM UP

AT THE GODDARD INSTITUTE
FOR SPACE STUDIES.

IT'S A RESEARCH
FOUNDATION FUNDED BY NASA.

MR. CORBETT WAS
CREATING A DISTURBANCE

IN THE RECEPTION AREA.

I WAS JUST TRYING TO
GET MY SEAT CONFIRMED.

WHAT SEAT?

ON THE SPACE SHUTTLE. I'M GOING.

I SEE.

UNFORTUNATELY, THE
NASA PEOPLE DON'T.

THEY DENY ANY
KNOWLEDGE OF MR. CORBETT.

BUT I HAVE A TICKET.
YOU SHOW HIM.

OKAY, ACCORDING TO MR. CORBETT,

HE PAID A MAN OUTSIDE THE
PLANETARIUM $500 FOR THIS.

HE SAID HE WAS FROM THE
SPACE ADMINISTRATION...

ADVANCE SALES.

"NASA CHAMPAGNE SHUTTLE.

"DEPARTING CAPE CANAVERAL,
FLORIDA, 10 A.M., APRIL 7, 1981.

"RETURNING EDWARDS
AIR FORCE BASE,

APRIL 8, 1981."

YOU SEE. I HAVE A WINDOW
SEAT, NON-SMOKING.

MR. CORBETT, I SUSPECT
THERE'S A STRONG POSSIBILITY

YOU'VE BEEN DEFRAUDED.

YOU SAY YOU THINK THE GUY
REALLY WASN'T WITH NASA?

I WOULD TEND TO DOUBT IT.

BUT, I MEAN, HE
HAD AN I.D. CARD.

HE HAD AN EMBLEM ON HIS JACKET.

HE EVEN SHOWED ME
SOME MOON ROCKS.

THEY'RE PRESSING CHARGES?

YEAH, A MAN FROM
NASA'S COMING DOWN.

ALL RIGHT, MR. CORBETT,

WE'RE GONNA NEED
SOME MORE INFORMATION

ABOUT THE MAN WHO
SOLD YOU THIS TICKET.

WE'RE ALSO GONNA
HAVE TO BOOK YOU.

I GUESS YOU THINK I
WAS PRETTY STUPID, HUH?

WE'VE SEEN WORSE.

IT'S JUST THAT I'VE HAD A DREAM
OF ALWAYS GOING UP THERE.

I FIGURED THIS WAS
MY ONLY CHANCE.

WE'RE NOT UNSYMPATHETIC,

BUT I'M AFRAID WE'RE STILL
GONNA HAVE TO BOOK YOU.

OKAY, DIETRICH.

ALL RIGHT, MR. CORBETT.

YOU WANT TO TAKE ONE
SMALL STEP OVER HERE?

THERE'S A SUCKER BORN
EVERY MINUTE, HUH, SIR?

I'M AFRAID SO.

MAYBE I CAN BOOK THE NEXT ONE.

Harris: UH, BARNEY?

YEAH.

I CHECKED WITH PAWN SHOPS,

OTHER ANTIQUE STORES
IN THE AREA, BUT NO LUCK.

HM.

THEY'VE DONE SOMETHING
TO HER. I KNOW IT.

MISS LAWSON, THERE'S
REALLY NO REASON FOR YOU...

THEY'VE PROBABLY
HAD THEIR WAY WITH HER.

THEN THEY JUST TOSSED
HER OUT OF A CAR.

JUST... JUST HAVE A SEAT.

AT THIS VERY MOMENT
SHE'S PROBABLY LYING

IN SOME BACK ALLEY
TORN AND HUMILIATED.

I'M CERTAIN SHE'S FINE.

AT THIS VERY MOMENT,

I BET SERGEANT WOJCIEHOWICZ
IS ON HIS WAY BACK HERE

WITH SOME FURTHER INFORMATION.

YOU WANT ME TO START
CALLING DOLL HOSPITALS?

JUST A THOUGHT.

IT'S COFFEE. WE'RE
ALL OUT OF TANG.

OH, THAT'S ALL RIGHT.

I GO THROUGH A JAR
PRETTY FAST MYSELF.

WHAT'S YOUR BUSINESS ADDRESS?

UH, 14th STREET AND PARK,

SIEGEL'S DEPARTMENT STORE.

I'M AN OPTICIAN.

I'VE GOT MY OWN BOOTH

RIGHT BETWEEN
KEYS WHILE YOU WAIT

AND THE IMMIGRATION ATTORNEYS.

WHAT'S YOUR HOME ADDRESS?

916 WEST 25th STREET,

TERRACE VIEW APARTMENTS.

YOU KNOW, NOBODY CARES
ABOUT SPACE ANYMORE? HM?

REMEMBER HOW IT USED TO BE?

WHEN SHEPARD FIRST
WENT UP? AND THEN GLENN?

OH, HOW WE USED TO
HUDDLE AROUND THE TV SETS

HOLDING OUR BREATH
DURING LIFTOFF,

WAITING FOR THAT
CRACKLING VOICE FROM SPACE

TO TELL US EVERYTHING
WAS ALL RIGHT.

OH.

WHAT'S YOUR APARTMENT NUMBER?

- A.
- OKAY.

JUST LIKE OLD TIMES, HUH?

MM-HM.

GOOD AFTERNOON, GENTLEMEN.

- INSPECTOR.
- INSPECTOR.
- INSPECTOR.

HAR.

LUG.

ALWAYS WITH A
DIFFERENT OUTFIT, HUH?

WELL, INSPECTOR, YOU KNOW
HOW FAST STYLES CHANGE.

YEAH, SURE, SURE, SURE.

BUT TO TELL YOU
THE TRUTH, HARRIS,

SOME OF THE STUFF YOU WEAR

STRIKES ME AS
BEING A LITTLE WEIRD.

YOU KNOW, WITH THE
COLLARS TURNED UP,

THE PURPLE SHIRT,
BUT I LIKE THIS.

YOU DO?

SURE.

IT'S THE KIND OF
THING I'D PICK UP.

OH, PLEASE.

NO, REALLY.

HI, BARNEY.

WHAT BRINGS YOU DOWN,
BUSINESS OR JUST A SOCIAL CALL?

SOCIAL CALL?
BARNEY, I'M ON DUTY.

THE TAXPAYERS PAY ME TO
PROTECT THEIR INTERESTS,

NOT TO MAKE A SOCIAL VISIT.

OF COURSE.

IT'S, UH, PERSONAL.

OH.

THERE'S A DIFFERENCE, BARNEY.

HARRIS, BARN.

WHAT DO YOU GOT?

WELL, THIS WAS DELIVERED
A HALF AN HOUR AGO

TO MISS LAWSON'S DOLL SHOP.

WHAT IS IT?

A RANSOM NOTE.

OH, MY GOD.

"WE HAVE YOUR DOLL.

"IF YOU WANT TO SEE
HER AGAIN IN ONE PIECE,

"PUT $5,000 IN THIS BOX

"AND FOLLOW THE
ENCLOSED INSTRUCTIONS.

WE'RE NOT KIDDING,
THE KIDNAPPERS."

THEY ALSO PUT IN
A LOCK OF HER HAIR

AND... ONE OF HER SHOES.

THIS IS REALLY SILLY.

UH-HUH, RIGHT. THEY'RE AT
THE PARK. THEY MADE THE DROP.

OKAY.

WHAT'S GOING ON, CAPTAIN?

SERGEANTS
WOJCIEHOWICZ AND HARRIS

HAVE PLACED THE RANSOM AS
DIRECTED BY THE KIDNAPPERS.

WELL, WHAT HAPPENS NOW?

NOW, I'M AFRAID ALL
WE CAN DO IS WAIT.

YES.

YOU DON'T THINK THOSE PEOPLE
MIGHT JUST TAKE THE MONEY

AND NOT LET VICTORIA GO.

THERE'S NO REASON
FOR THEM TO DO THAT.

SHE HASN'T SEEN ANYTHING.

OH, I HOPE NOT.

EXCUSE ME.

INSPECTOR.

SORRY.

NO, NO. IT'S OKAY, BARNEY.

BIG IMPORTANT CASE
YOU'RE WORKING ON...

SOMEBODY LOST THEIR DOLLY.

ANYWAY, IT GAVE ME A
CHANCE TO GO OVER THIS STUFF.

WHAT IS IT?

MY ASSETS, BARNEY.

I DECIDED I'D DO A LITTLE
ACCOUNTING, YOU KNOW,

FIGURE OUT HOW MUCH I GOT
SOCKED AWAY AFTER ALL THESE YEARS.

IT'S ALWAYS A GOOD IDEA.

AND IT'S NO SNIVELING
LITTLE SUM, EITHER, BARNEY.

I'M SURE IT ISN'T.

OF COURSE, IT WOULD
HAVE BEEN HARD FOR ME

NOT TO STASH AWAY SOME
CASH AFTER ALL THESE YEARS.

I MEAN, LIVING THE
WAY I DO, YOU KNOW...

20 YEARS IN THAT DINGY
ONE-ROOM APARTMENT,

COOKING OFF A HOT PLATE,
EATING OUT AT SOME GREASY SPOON.

INSPECTOR...

AND THEN, TOO, I NEVER
GOT MARRIED, BARNEY,

NEVER HAD ANY KIDS.

INSPECTOR... I'VE
BEEN LUCKY, BARNEY.

INSPECTOR, EXACTLY WHAT IS
IT YOU NEED TO KNOW FROM ME?

WHAT DO I DO WITH IT?

'CAUSE YOU KNOW, BARNEY,
YOU'RE MY SOLE HEIR TO MY ESTATE.

INSPECTOR...

WHATEVER'S IN THE POT WHEN
THE OLD INSPECTOR CHECKS OUT

ALL GOES TO YOU, BARNEY.

- REALLY, INSPECTOR...
- I WANT YOU TO HAVE IT, BARNEY.

FINE.

OKAY.

WELL, AS MY BENEFICIARY,

I THOUGHT MAYBE
YOU'D HAVE AN OPINION

AS TO WHAT I CAN DO
WITH IT IN THE INTERIM.

INSPECTOR, ALL I CAN SAY
IS DON'T SAVE IT FOR ME.

WHAT ELSE CAN I
DO WITH IT, BARNEY?

I DON'T KNOW. TAKE
A TRIP SOMEWHERE.

BUY YOURSELF A NEW CAR.
DO SOMETHING CRAZY WITH IT.

YEAH.

YEAH, I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO
TAKE A TRIP DOWN TO FLORIDA.

SURE.

VISIT THAT SWAMP.

SOUNDS NICE.

BUT THAT'LL ONLY COST ME A
FEW HUNDRED BUCKS, BARNEY.

OF COURSE.

THAT'LL STILL LEAVE
ME WITH $233,000.

I BEG YOUR PARDON?

YEAH, YEAH, THAT'S WHAT
I'M STUCK WITH, BARNEY...

$233,400, A FEW ODD
PENNIES, TO BE EXACT.

AND YOU THINK I OUGHT TO DO
SOMETHING CRAZY WITH IT, HUH?

WITHIN REASON.

OH, EXCUSE ME.

ELVIN SWIFT, SPACE
SHUTTLE PUBLIC RELATIONS.

I GUESS YOU'RE HERE
TO SEE MR. CORBETT.

YES, I WOULD LIKE TO TAKE CARE
OF THIS AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.

I'M RUNNING A LITTLE
BEHIND SCHEDULE.

NO KIDDING.

YES, BUT I'M STILL A BIT
UNCLEAR AS TO ALL THE DETAILS.

WELL, IT SEEMS THAT
SOMEBODY SOLD MR. CORBETT

A SEAT ON YOUR SHUTTLE FOR $500.

BUT WE WOULD HAVE TAKEN IT.

HUH?

WELL, WHAT WITH THE CURRENT
BUDGETARY REDUCTIONS,

WE GRATEFULLY ACCEPT
ANY MONETARY DONATIONS

FROM THE PRIVATE SECTOR.

WANT TO HAVE A SEAT OVER HERE?

AS A MATTER OF FACT, A
SCOUT GROUP IN NEBRASKA

IS RAISING MONEY TO HELP
PAY FOR THE VIKING PROJECT.

I GAVE AT THE CAPE.

OH, SURE.

ALL RIGHT, COME ON. GET
INSIDE HERE, MONTOYA.

I TRUSTED YOU GUYS.

WELL, THAT WAS STUPID.

WHERE'S VICTORIA?

VICTORIA'S COMING.

HERE SHE IS.

IS SHE ALL OKAY?

Montoya: HEY, I
DIDN'T TOUCH HER.

BARN, THIS IS JOSEPH MONTOYA.

HE'S OUR KIDNAPPERS.

WE STAKED OUT THE GARBAGE CAN.

AFTER ABOUT A HALF HOUR,

MONTOYA PEDDLES
UP ON HIS BICYCLE

AND GRABBED THE BOX.

HE DIDN'T EVEN LOOK INSIDE.

SO WE JUST FOLLOWED
HIM BACK TO HIS APARTMENT

AND GOT THE DOLL.

HEY, THE DEAL WAS,
YOU GIVE ME THE MONEY,

I GIVE YOU THE DOLL.

WE HAD AN AGREEMENT.

SO?

WELL, SO IT AIN'T FAIR.

HEY, PUT YOURSELF IN MY
SHOES FOR A SECOND, MAN.

THEY GOT HER SITTING
UP THERE IN THAT WINDOW.

THE CARD SAYS
SHE'S WORTH $5,000.

I FIGURE I COULD FENCE
HER FOR $2,000 EASY, RIGHT?

WRONG.

EVERY PLACE I TAKE HER,
THEY MAKE FUN OF ME.

"WHAT'S YOUR DOLLY'S NAME?
DOES SHE HAVE A FRIEND FOR ME?"

IT WAS HUMILIATING.

SO YOU DECIDED TO
RANSOM HER INSTEAD?

THEY DO IT WITH PETS.

MONTOYA, DO YOU WANT TO JUST
TAKE A SEAT OVER THERE, PLEASE?

YEAH, SURE THING.

I'M JUST GLAD TO GET
HER OUT OF MY SIGHT.

YEAH.

YOU KNOW, THE WHOLE
TIME I HAD HER UP IN MY ROOM,

YOU KNOW, MAKING
UP THE RANSOM NOTE...

MM-HMM.

SHE KEPT STARING AT ME
WITH THOSE LITTLE BEADY EYES,

YOU KNOW, LIKE I WAS
DOING SOMETHING TO HER,

LIKE SHE WAS HUMAN.

MAN, LOOK, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO SEE HER AGAIN

TILL SHE TESTIFIES AT THE TRIAL.

THAT AIN'T FUNNY.

MISS LAWSON, WE'LL NOTIFY
YOU AS TO YOUR COURT DATE.

THAT'S FINE. THANK YOU SO MUCH.

UNFORTUNATELY, I'M AFRAID, UH...

VICTORIA'S GONNA
HAVE TO STAY HERE.

JUST TILL THE TRAIL.

SHE'S EVIDENCE NOW.

BUT SHE'S BEEN THROUGH SO MUCH.

BELIEVE ME, SHE'LL BE FINE.

WELL, YOU ARE GOING TO
KEEP HER HERE WITH YOU?

OH, OF COURSE.

WE HAVE A ROOM RIGHT
UPSTAIRS... THE PROPERTY ROOM.

BUT WE'LL LOOK IN ON
HER FROM TIME TO TIME.

THANK YOU.

YOU KNOW, CAPTAIN, I KNOW
SHE'S REALLY JUST A DOLL.

IT'S JUST THAT...

SOMETIMES SHE SEEMS
SO REAL THAT YOU FORGET.

I UNDERSTAND.

OH, AND WHEN ARE VISITING HOURS?

ANYTIME.

THANK YOU.

OH, CAPTAIN. THIS IS
MR. SWIFT FROM NASA.

THIS IS CAPTAIN MILLER.

THANK YOU. UH...

SIR, I REALLY WOULD
LIKE TO GET ON WITH THIS.

I'VE ALREADY CANCELED
ONE APPOINTMENT

AND MOVED BACK ANOTHER.

OH, CERTAINLY. TAG HER.

LOOK, MR. SWIFT, I
ASSUME SERGEANT DIETRICH

HAS POINTED OUT THE EXTENUATING
CIRCUMSTANCES IN THIS CASE.

WELL, YES.

NOW, WE DON'T
LIKE TO PURSUE THIS,

BUT MR. CORBETT DID BREAK
ONE OF OUR SHUTTLE MODELS,

COSTING OVER $75,

AND WE JUST DON'T HAVE
THE MONEY TO REPLACE IT.

I'LL PAY FOR IT.

OH, WELL, IT MIGHT
COME CLOSE TO $100.

FINE.

IS THAT A DEAL?

SURE, SURE.

DIETRICH, TURN HIM LOOSE.

I'LL GIVE YOU ALL
THE MONEY YOU WANT.

I JUST WANT TO COME ALONG, HUH?

WELL, MR. CORBETT,

WE CERTAINLY WILL
TAKE YOUR MONEY,

BUT I'M AFRAID NO
PASSENGER FLIGHTS ARE,

AS OF YET, SCHEDULED,

ALTHOUGH THEY ARE ENVISIONED
BY THE END OF THIS DECADE.

I CAN'T WAIT THAT LONG.

OH, WELL, I'M SORRY.

ALTHOUGH, THEY ARE LOOKING
FOR MISSION SPECIALISTS.

YEAH?

YES, NOW, THAT
REQUIRES NO PILOT STATUS.

YOU JUST HAVE TO HAVE
SOME KIND OF NECESSARY SKILL.

DO YOU HAVE ANY OF THOSE?

NO, I'M JUST AN OPTICIAN.

AN OPTICIAN, REALLY?

YEAH, I HAVE A DEGREE
AND A BOOTH AT SIEGEL'S.

WELL, NOW, IT JUST SO HAPPENS,

WE ARE SENDING UP A
SPACE TELESCOPE IN '84,

AND WE ARE LOOKING
FOR A FEW GOOD OPTICIANS.

YOU'RE KIDDING!

OF COURSE, YOU'D HAVE TO
APPLY TO THE NECESSARY AGENCIES,

BUT IF YOU HAVE THE RIGHT
QUALIFICATIONS, WHO KNOWS?

A COUPLE YEARS, YOU MAY
BE IN ORBIT, MR. CORBETT.

I'LL DO THAT.

GOOD LUCK. GOOD LUCK.

AND AS THEY SAY ON THE CAPE,

"ALL SYSTEMS ARE GO, SO I WILL."

ALL RIGHT, MR. CORBETT. TIME
TO SIGN FOR YOUR VALUABLES.

OH, THANK YOU.

I CAN'T BELIEVE
I'M REALLY GOING.

I KNOW.

WISH ME LUCK, HUH?

GOOD LUCK.

ALL RIGHT, HERE YOU GO.

AND LISTEN, DON'T
WORRY ABOUT THE TILES.

WHAT TILES?

THE HEAT-PROTECTIVE TILES
THAT COVER THE SHUTTLE.

DURING TEST FLIGHTS,

THERE WAS A PROBLEM
WITH THEM FALLING OFF.

AND, OF COURSE, THE
LOSS OF EVEN A FEW

CRITICALLY PLACED TILES
DURING THE ACTUAL FLIGHT

COULD CAUSE THE INTERIOR
OF THE SHUTTLE TO BE EXPOSED

TO TEMPERATURES OF 2,800
DEGREES DURING REENTRY.

> AND I BURN EASILY.

WEAR A HAT.

THANK YOU.

SIR, CAN I TAKE MISS VICKI NOW?

I'M GONNA BRING HER UP
TO THE PROPERTY ROOM.

OKAY.

I CAN'T UNDERSTAND HOW
SOMEBODY WOULD PAY $5,000 FOR THIS.

PEOPLE DO STRANGE
THINGS WITH THEIR MONEY.

- BARNEY.
- YES, SIR.

THEY MAKE A NICE COUPLE.

I THINK I'LL BE
SHOVING OFF, BARNEY.

OKAY, INSPECTOR.

LISTEN, WHAT WE WERE
TALKING ABOUT IN THERE,

YOU KNOW, I THINK I'LL JUST

LEAVE ALL THAT
DOUGH SITTING THERE,

COMPOUNDING DAILY FOR YOU.

INSPECTOR...

SO WHEN THE OLD
INSPECTOR CASHES IN...

INSPECTOR, THERE'S NO
REASON TO TALK LIKE THIS.

YOU'RE GONNA BE
AROUND FOR A LONG TIME.

I MIGHT EVEN GO BEFORE YOU.

MAYBE WE'LL GO TOGETHER, BARNEY.

JUST KIDDING, BARNEY.

NOW, LISTEN, JUST BECAUSE
I'VE GOT ALL THAT MONEY

THAT YOU'RE GONNA BE GETTING,

I DON'T WANT IT TO
ALTER OUR RELATIONSHIP.

BELIEVE ME, IT WON'T.

I DON'T WANT YOU TO FEEL

YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO
START BEING NICE TO ME.

IF I GET ON YOUR NERVES,
YOU JUST TELL ME OFF.

IF I GET OUT OF LINE,
JUST KICK ME OUT.

JUST DON'T POISON ME, BARNEY.

GET OUT, INSPECTOR.

THAT'S IT, BARNEY! YEAH!

SO LONG, KIDDO.