Barney Miller (1975–1982): Season 7, Episode 14 - Rachel - full transcript

Wojo asks Barney's daughter out on a date. A sporting goods store owner takes the law in his own hands. Arnold Ripner sues Harris over the lawyer's portrayal in the detective's novel.

SOMETHING THE MATTER?

NO, NO. I WAS JUST
LOOKING AT YOU.

OH.

OH, I WAS JUST TRYING TO COME
UP WITH SOMEBODY TO PLAY YOU

IN "BLOOD ON THE BADGE."

PLAY ME?

IN THE MOVIE.

THERE'S GONNA BE A MOVIE?

WELL, I MEAN, YOU KNOW, THE
DEAL HASN'T BEEN FINALIZED YET,

BUT MY PEOPLE ARE
TALKING TO THEIR PEOPLE,

SO I FIGURE I SHOULD BE
READY WITH SOME CASTING IDEAS.



OH.

SO I GOT A PRELIMINARY
LIST OF POSSIBLE BARNEYS.

WHO YOU GOT SO FAR?

WELL, THERE'S ELI WALLACH,
RIP TORN, JASON ROBARDS.

CHARLES NELSON REILLY?

NO, NO. THAT'S FOR DIETRICH.

OH.

STILL MAD AT HIM, HUH?

MAIL CALL.

HARRIS.

AH, THANKS.

CAPTAIN, GUESS WHO
CALLED THIS MORNING.

MY DAUGHTER RACHEL.

SO, WHAT DID SHE SAY, SMART GUY?



SHE'LL BE BY ABOUT 12:00.

OH, GOOD.

LITTLE RACHEL COMING DOWN, SIR?

YEAH.

CAN'T REMEMBER THE
LAST TIME I SAW HER.

YOU'VE NEVER SEEN HER.

YES, THAT'S TRUE. I WAS
SPEAKING COLLECTIVELY.

BUT I APPRECIATE YOU
THROWING IT UP IN MY FACE.

DON'T MENTION IT.

SO, I GUESS SHE FINALLY
GRADUATED FROM HUBERT.

THAT'S HOBART.

HOBART... OF COURSE.
A FINE INSTITUTION.

I CONSIDERED
APPLYING THERE MYSELF.

OH?

BUT I BECAME A COP INSTEAD.

REALLY?

REGARDLESS, I'M SURE YOU
MUST BE VERY PROUD OF HER,

WHAT WITH HER BEING THE
FRUIT OF YOUR LOINS AND ALL.

DO YOU HAVE MY MAIL?

YES, SIR. IT'S ADDRESSED
TO THE TOP BANANA.

THANK YOU.

I'LL BE DOWNSTAIRS
IN A POOL OF BLOOD

IF YOU NEED ANYTHING ELSE, SIR.

NO, WOJO'S NOT HERE YET.

FIGURED THAT WAS THE QUESTION.

12th PRECINCT.
SERGEANT DIETRICH.

YEAH.

OKAY.

ALARM JUST WENT OFF,
BENDER'S SPORTING GOODS.

ALL RIGHT, YOU AND, UH... WOJO.

I'M LATE.

I NOTICED. YOU'RE
ON WITH DIETRICH.

I GOT A REAL GOOD
EXCUSE. WANT TO HEAR IT?

NOT REALLY.

OKAY, I'LL USE IT NEXT TIME.

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UH, BARN, I GOT A COUPLE
LEADS ON THAT DAVENPORT CASE.

I'M GONNA CHECK THEM OUT.

I CAME UP WITH
ANOTHER POSSIBILITY.

YEAH?

ROY SCHEIDER.

I WAS LEAFING THROUGH
THE BOOK, AND...

OH. FOR THE MOVIE.

YEAH.

FOR YOU.

YEAH.

ROY SCHEIDER, HUH?

YEAH, HE'S A GOOD ACTOR.

YEAH.

HE'S ALREADY PLAYED A COP.

MM-HMM.

HE CAN DANCE.

WELL, I'M NOT SO SURE HE'D
WANT TO SLIDE ACROSS THIS FLOOR.

BUT I'LL CERTAINLY PUT HIM DOWN.

JUST A THOUGHT.

GOOD MORNING, GENTLEMEN.

ARNOLD RIPNER.
ALWAYS A PLEASURE.

SORRY, ARNOLD, PICKINGS
ARE A LITTLE SLIM THIS MORNING.

FOR YOUR INFORMATION,
CAPTAIN, I ALREADY HAVE A CLIENT.

OH?

JOSEPH RUBIO.

YOU ARRESTED HIM THIS MORNING
ON SUSPICION OF BURGLARY.

NOT ME. I HAVEN'T
DONE A THING ALL DAY.

EXCUSE ME.

I'M AFRAID YOU'RE
MISINFORMED, ARNOLD.

WE'RE NOT HOLDING
A JOSEPH RUBIO.

- IN YOU GO, RUBIO.
- IT BEATS DYING.

I HAPPENED TO
WITNESS IT FROM MY CAR.

YOU TUNING IN ON
POLICE CALLS AGAIN?

I'M NOT TOO PROUD.

HI. WE'RE HOME, BRUNO.

AM I ON SOME KIND
OF A LIST OR WHAT?

THIS IS JOSEPH RUBIO.

HE BROKE INTO THE BACK OF
BENDER'S SPORTING-GOODS STORE.

ALLEGEDLY.

WHO'S THE JERK?

HE'S MY LAWYER.

RIGHT?

ARNOLD RIPNER. I'LL HAVE
YOU OUT OF HERE IN 45 MINUTES.

THE QUESTION IS,
WHY'D WE CUFF BRUNO?

YOU TELL ME.

THE CHARGE IS
RECKLESS ENDANGERMENT.

HE HAD THIS SET UP
BEHIND THE BACK DOOR,

HAD IT RIGGED SO IF
SOMEBODY CAME IN THE DOOR,

THEY GET AN ARROW IN THE HEAD.

JUST TRYING TO SAVE YOU
GUYS SOME PAPERWORK.

RUBIO'S LUCKY HE'S SHORT.

2 INCHES TALLER, WE WOULD HAVE
HAD SWEETBREAD SHISH KEBAB.

I DIDN'T LIKE SAYING THAT.

I GOT A RIGHT TO
PROTECT MY STORE.

YEAH, BUT...

I TRIED EVERYTHING ELSE...
ALARMS, GUARD DOGS.

I EVEN RENTED COBRAS,

BUT THEY NEVER COME
WHEN YOU CALL THEM.

THIS IS AGAINST THE LAW, BENDER!

YEAH, I COULD HAVE BEEN KILLED.

Bender: SO?

SO?

SO WHAT WE HAVE HERE
IS A FLAGRANT VIOLATION

- OF MR. RUBIO'S CIVIL RIGHTS.
- Barney: ALL RIGHT.

NOT TO MENTION THE
RESULTING MENTAL ANGUISH

AND THE LOSS OF SELF-ESTEEM.

I MEAN, THIS MAN
MAY NEVER ROB AGAIN.

SO SUE ME!

WE ARE.

FOR WHAT?

YOUR STORE, YOUR HOME...
EVERYTHING YOU'VE GOT!

ARNOLD, IT SOUNDS LIKE A
LOVELY PIECE OF LITIGATION,

BUT WE GOT TO
BOOK THE MAN FIRST.

DO YOU MIND?

FINE.

THANK YOU.

DIETRICH, YOU WANT TO...

BRUNO, LET'S DO THE APPLE TRICK.

YOU THINK I MIGHT GET
SOME MONEY OUT OF THIS?

I HOPE NOT.

THANKS FOR THE THOUGHT.

CAPTAIN, I'LL BE
RETURNING SHORTLY

- WITH A BAIL TICKET
FOR MR. RUBIO.
- FINE.

AND A SUBPOENA FOR MR. BENDER.

I GOT YOUR SUBPOENA RIGHT HERE!

GOODBYE, ARNOLD.

IS THAT HARRIS?

OH, THAT'S THAT BOOK
HE PUBLISHED LAST YEAR.

"BLOOD ON THE BADGE."

CUTE TITLE.

WHAT'S IT ABOUT?

IT'S SORT OF A DAY-TO-DAY
JOURNAL ABOUT THE SQUAD ROOM.

DO YOU MEAN SORT
OF A REAL-LIFE ACCOUNT

OF HAPPENINGS IN THIS OFFICE,
PEOPLE WHO HAVE COME IN HERE?

SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

GOODBYE, ARNOLD.

I'LL BE BACK LATER.

GO CHASE AN AMBULANCE!

THANKS.

YOU KNOW, YOU JUST
CAN'T INSULT SOME PEOPLE.

YOU WANT SOME
COFFEE, MALLET HEAD?

TWO SUGARS.

YOU KNOW, THIS IS THE THIRD
TIME I'VE BEEN ARRESTED.

IT'S PRETTY WEIRD FOR
A LAW-ABIDING CITIZEN.

NOT REALLY.

A LOT OF PEOPLE YOU
WOULDN'T THINK OF AS CRIMINALS

HAVE GONE TO PRISON RATHER
THAN COMPROMISE THEIR BELIEFS.

OH, YEAH?

SOCRATES, THOREAU, GANDHI.

YOU REMEMBER JIM GARNER
IN "THE GREAT ESCAPE," HUH?

KRAUTS COULDN'T
KEEP HIM IN PRISON.

YEAH, BUT NOW HE'S GOT TO
TAKE LIP FROM THAT SNOTTY BROAD

IN THOSE CAMERA COMMERCIALS.

SHE AIN'T EVEN HIS WIFE.

WHAT'S THE POINT?

CAN I HELP YOU?

NO, I DON'T THINK SO.

HELLO.

HELLO.

CAN I DO SOMETHING FOR YOU?

I'M HERE TO SEE CAPTAIN MILLER.

WELL, I'M YOUNGER.

HE'S UPSTAIRS. HE'LL
BE DOWN IN A MINUTE.

YOU WANT TO SIT AND WAIT?

THANK YOU.

I HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING YET.

WOULD YOU LIKE SOME COFFEE?

NO, THANKS, WOJO.

Barney: HI.

WELL, HELLO.

YOU REMEMBER MY DAUGHTER RACHEL.

APPARENTLY I DIDN'T MAKE
MUCH OF AN IMPRESSION ON HIM

THE FIRST TIME AROUND.

WELL, IT HAS BEEN,
WHAT, FIVE YEARS

SINCE YOU WERE HERE, YOU KNOW.

RIGHT, JUST BEFORE
I LEFT FOR SCHOOL.

I REMEMBER FISH WAS HERE.

- YEAH.
- AND NICK.

AND, WOJO, YOU WERE
WEARING YOUR KARATE OUTFIT.

WELL, I'M OVER THAT NOW.

SO, WHAT BRINGS YOU DOWN?

OH, I'M MEETING MOM
AT BLOOMINGDALE'S,

BUT I STOPPED BY TO SEE IF YOU
WANTED TO HAVE DINNER WITH ME.

TONIGHT?

YEAH. RESERVATIONS FOR 7:00.

I GOT TOUR COMMAND. I
WON'T BE RELIEVED TILL 10:00.

I UNDERSTAND.

YOU SOUND JUST LIKE YOUR MOTHER.

UH, BARN, I'M, UH, FREE TONIGHT.

YOU WANT ME TO COVER FOR YOU?

OH, THANKS, BUT...

WELL, THEN I'LL TAKE HER OUT.

YOU WANT TO GO WITH ME?

6:30 OKAY?

GREAT.

BYE, DADDY.

I'LL TRY TO HAVE
HER BACK BY SUNDAY.

Harris: UH, BARN?

- HUH?
- I JUST RAN DOWN THOSE LEADS.

NO LUCK.

FINE.

SERGEANT HARRIS.

I'M STILL HERE!

CAPTAIN, YOU MIGHT
WANT TO HEAR THIS.

SERGEANT, THIS IS FOR YOU.

OH, ONE OF YOUR FLIERS?

NO, SIMPLY A NOTIFICATION
OF IMPENDING LEGAL ACTION.

SAY AGAIN?

ARNOLD DRAKE RIPNER
vs. RONALD NATHAN HARRIS

AND BASS AND MARSHALL
PUBLISHERS, LIMITED,

PUBLISHERS OF
"BLOOD ON THE BADGE,"

FOR LIBEL, DEFAMATION
OF CHARACTER,

UNLAWFUL USE AND
USURPATION OF LIKENESS,

SEEKING PUNITIVE AND
SUBSEQUENT DAMAGES

IN THE AMOUNT OF $5 MILLION.

YOU ARE OUT OF THE MOVIE.

WHAT'S IT ALL ABOUT, ARNOLD?

I'M SUING SERGEANT HARRIS.

WHAT ABOUT ME?

GET A LAWYER.

HE LIBELED ME IN THAT BOOK.
HE'S GONNA HAVE TO PAY.

HEY, YOU REALIZE, OF COURSE,

YOU'RE GONNA GET
ABSOLUTELY NOWHERE

WITH THIS PATHETIC HODGEPODGE
OF LEGALISTIC MUMBO JUMBO.

IS THAT RIGHT?

YES, 'CAUSE I'M GONNA SHOOT YOU!

HARRIS.

BARNEY, LOOK, DON'T
WORRY ABOUT IT.

HE REALLY CAN'T SUE ME. I
CHANGED HIS NAME IN THE BOOK.

HE WAS TOTALLY FICTIONALIZED.

SO?

SO, AS SUCH, MY BOOK IS
PROTECTED FROM ANY LEGAL ACTION.

THAT'S A GOOD POINT, ARNOLD.

IT WAS UNTIL
BINDRAM vs. MITCHELL.

WHO?

IN WHICH THE SUPREME
COURT LET STAND

THE 1979 DECISION OF A
CALIFORNIA APPEALS COURT,

WHICH AWARDED A $75,000
JUDGMENT TO THE PLAINTIFF

FOR HIS LIBELOUS, EVEN
THOUGH FICTIONALIZED, INCLUSION

IN THE DEFENDANT'S WORK.

YOU BELIEVE THIS GUY?

LOOK, ARNOLD,

THIS BOOK WAS PUBLISHED
A YEAR AND A HALF AGO.

ISN'T THAT A LITTLE
LATE FOR A LAWSUIT?

I DIDN'T EVEN HEAR
ABOUT THE BOOK

TILL YOU SHOWED IT
TO ME THIS MORNING.

EXCUSE ME.

GIVE ME THAT.

THAT'S FROM NEWSWEEK,
DECEMBER 1979.

DID YOU TEAR THIS
OUT OF A LIBRARY COPY?

YOU THINK OLD
RIP-OFF'S GOT A CASE?

WHO KNOWS?

NO ONE, REALLY.

LISTEN, WOJO, ABOUT...

ABOUT RACHEL, I'VE BEEN
GIVING IT SOME THOUGHT.

I, UH...

I THINK IT WOULD BE... WISE

IF WE KIND OF... HELD OFF ON IT.

HELD OFF?

YEAH.

YOU... YOU MEAN THAT YOU
DON'T WANT ME TO TAKE HER OUT?

FINE.

EVERYONE'S TALKING.

THERE COULD BE
NUCLEAR HOLOCAUST.

WELL, I SAY, IF
THERE'S GONNA BE ONE,

LET'S HAVE IT AND MOVE ON.

FOR A LUNATIC, YOU
MAKE PRETTY GOOD SENSE.

MOVE OVER, SCUM.

I'M REAL SORRY, HARRIS.

ARNOLD, THIS MEANS NOTHING.

NO?

WELL, IN THE FIRST PLACE,
IT HASN'T BEEN ESTABLISHED

THAT THE CHARACTER
IN QUESTION IS EVEN YOU.

CHARACTER IN QUESTION
HAS BEEN REFERRED TO

AS "A SHYSTER ATTORNEY,"
"A PARASITIC LOWLIFE,"

AND "A BESPECTACLED CRETIN."

WHO ELSE COULD IT BE?

I'VE ALREADY UNDERLINED
A DOZEN PASSAGES

DESCRIBING DESPICABLE
AND UNSCRUPULOUS BEHAVIOR

THAT MY OWN MOTHER
WOULD RECOGNIZE.

ARNOLD, LOOK, BEFORE
YOU PROCEED ANY FURTHER,

I THINK YOU SHOULD KNOW
THAT MY PUBLISHERS AND I

WILL BE RETAINING THE BEST
LAWYERS MONEY CAN BUY.

SAME HERE.

HEY, LOOK, YOU
FOUR-EYED SLEAZEBALL!

PAGE 57.

HEY, BACK OFF,
'CAUSE IF YOU THINK

I'M GONNA LET ANYBODY
BLOW THIS MOVIE DEAL,

YOU'VE GOT ANOTHER THINK COMING,

AND YOU BETTER GET IT QUICK!

HOLD IT! HOLD IT!

HEY, WHAT'S WITH
CHARLES NELSON REILLY?

YOU STILL MAD AT ME?

LOOK, THIS IS A PERSONAL
MATTER BETWEEN THE TWO OF YOU.

I WOULD APPRECIATE IT

IF YOU WOULD SETTLE
IT ON YOUR OWN TIME.

IS IT BECAUSE I'M NOT JEWISH?

WHAT?

THAT'S IT, ISN'T IT?

IN THE OFFICE, WOJO.

GO AHEAD.

HEY, MILLER, YOU JEWISH?

YOU PEOPLE GOT ONE
HELL OF AN AIR FORCE!

SO, UH, WHAT'S GOING
ON WITH YOUR LAWYER?

I DON'T KNOW.

HE'S SUPPOSED TO BE SUING YOU,

AND ALL OF A SUDDEN
HE'S SUING THAT GUY.

FOR WHAT?

I DON'T KNOW. SOME
BOOK HE WROTE.

OH, YEAH?

HEY, YOU TRIED TO KILL ME.

WE CAN STILL TALK.

IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE A POLICY

OF KEEPING WORK
AND HOME SEPARATE.

I MEAN, OTHERWISE, IT CAN
GET KIND OF COMPLICATED.

SO IT'S, UH... NOTHING PERSONAL.

IT'S JUST, UH... JUST A POLICY.

THAT'S A CROCK.

HUH?

COME ON, BARN, IF YOU
THINK I'M NOT GOOD ENOUGH

TO TAKE YOUR DAUGHTER
OUT, JUST TELL ME.

WOJO.

I KNOW THAT YOU DON'T HAVE
A VERY HIGH OPINION OF ME.

I MEAN, INTELLECTUALLY.

THAT'S STUPID!

SEE?

WOJO, THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO

WITH WHETHER YOU'RE GOOD
ENOUGH OR SMART ENOUGH.

WHAT'S LEFT?

UH, WOJ, YOU KNOW SOMETIMES

WHEN YOU'RE, UM... LATE
FOR WORK IN THE MORNING?

IT'S 'CAUSE I'M NOT PUNCTUAL?

IT'S MORE THE REASON
YOU'RE NOT PUNCTUAL.

OH, YOU MEAN 'CAUSE
I SLEEP AROUND A LOT.

UH, YOU DO SEEM TO
JUMP INTO RELATIONSHIPS

RATHER EASILY, YES.

SO, YOU FIGURE THAT THE
FIRST TIME RACHEL AND I GO OUT,

WE'RE GONNA END UP
IN THE SACK TOGETHER.

THAT DOES SEEM TO BE A
PATTERN WITH YOU, YEAH.

WELL, YOU'RE PROBABLY RIGHT.

BUT, BARN, LOOK, EVEN
IF SOMETHING DID HAPPEN,

IT'S NOT LIKE IT WOULD BE A
NEW EXPERIENCE FOR HER.

HUH?

WELL, SHE'S 22, RIGHT?

JUST TURNED 22 LAST MONTH.

COME ON, BARN.

SHE'S BEEN AWAY AT
COLLEGE FOR FOUR YEARS.

WELL, WHAT DO YOU THINK
THEY DO UP THERE... STUDY?

JUST BECAUSE A CHILD IS
FREE FROM PARENTAL GUIDANCE

DOES NOT MEAN SHE'S GONNA
GO WILD ALL OF A SUDDEN.

SHE WENT TO EUROPE
LAST SUMMER, RIGHT?

YEAH, A COUPLE OF MONTHS.

WELL, THERE YOU GO.

YEAH, IT'S JUST
SOME SILLY BUSINESS

ABOUT DEFAMATION
OF CHARACTER, LIBEL.

YEAH, I KNOW YOU'RE REALLY
GONNA WANT TO FIGHT THIS THING.

HMM?

WELL, YEAH, HE COULD
IN ALL LIKELIHOOD PROVE

THAT IT WAS, IN FACT, HE.

YEAH, IT COULD BE CONSTRUED
AS AN UNFLATTERING PORTRAYAL.

HEY, I ONLY WROTE IT.

YOU PUBLISHED IT.

LOOK, COME ON. YOUR
NAME IS ON THE LAWSUIT, TOO.

OH, WHAT ARE YOU
GONNA DO, SUE ME?

WELL... WELL, GET
IN LINE, BUSTER!

HEY, AM I IN THAT BOOK, TOO?

I'M LEAVING NOW.

CAN I SUE YOU, TOO?

FINE.

WHERE YOU GOING?

JUST AWAY.

LISTEN, HARRIS, YOU CANNOT
RUN AWAY FROM THIS THING.

LOOK, IF YOU PUT YOUR
HAND ON ME ONE MORE TIME,

I CANNOT BE RESPONSIBLE
FOR YOUR TEETH.

GIVE HIM A SHOT.
YOU'LL FEEL BETTER.

YOU HERE FOR THE FIGHT?

WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?

DAD?

I'M BACK.

HI, THERE. HOW YOU DOING?

CAN WE GO NOW?

WELL, I'M NOT TOO SURE.

THERE'S THREE GUYS WITH GUNS
IN A SUPERMARKET ON BLEECKER.

THERE MAY BE HOSTAGES.

OKAY, THAT'S ALL OF US.
BREAK OUT SOME WEAPONS.

HARRIS, I WANT A FLIGHT
OF UNIFORMS BACKING US UP.

HEY, DAD. YOU'RE NOT GOING, TOO.

OH, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT, HONEY.

UH, BUT DON'T TELL YOUR MOTHER.

WE'LL DO IT ANOTHER TIME.

SURE.

GREAT.

- BARNEY.
- YEAH.

- THE CARS ARE ALL OUT FRONT.
- FINE.

Ripner: HARRIS?

DON'T THINK GETTING KILLED
GETS YOU OFF THE HOOK.

- I CAN SUE YOUR ESTATE.
- EH!

THANK YOU, LEVITT.

LISTEN, STAY UP HERE
AND LOOK AFTER THINGS.

SIR? HOOKER?

THAT'S MY DAUGHTER!

I WASN'T ASKING FOR MYSELF.

COME HERE OFTEN?

- HERE YOU GO.
- THANKS.

ANYWAY, THE POINT IS, I'VE
BEEN AT THE 12th ALMOST 5 YEARS,

SO I THINK I'VE EARNED THE RIGHT

TO A PERMANENT
ASSIGNMENT UP HERE.

HAVE YOU TALKED TO
MY FATHER ABOUT IT?

I'VE MENTIONED IT ONCE OR TWICE.

HE ALWAYS MANAGES
TO SIDESTEP THE ISSUE.

YOU KNOW, WHEN I REALLY WANTED
SOMETHING FROM MY FATHER,

I USED TO CLIMB UP ON HIS
LAP, PUT MY ARMS AROUND HIM,

AND WHISPER IN
HIS EAR "I LOVE YOU."

IT MAY BE WORTH A SHOT.

IS HE GONE?

WHERE'S DADDY?

OH, DADDY'S COMING.

EVERYTHING GO ALL RIGHT?

WE WON.

WHAT HAPPENED?

NOTHING AT ALL... JUST A
COUPLE OF SCARED KIDS

HOLED UP IN THE
BACK OF THE STORE.

WE TOOK THEM DOWN
TO JUVENILE. THAT'S IT.

I'M GONNA TAG THEIR MACHINE GUN.

THANK YOU.

TAKE CARE OF THOSE
WEAPONS, AND YOU CAN GO HOME.

UH-HUH.

SEE YOU EARLY IN
THE MORNING, BARN.

SO, IS DINNER STILL ON?

I THINK WE BLEW OUR RESERVATION.

WHY DON'T YOU TRY
DONATELLO'S ON CHRISTOPHER?

YOU CAN GENERALLY
GET A TABLE THERE.

IS THAT OKAY WITH YOU?

YEAH, THAT'S GOOD. LET'S GO.

BYE, DAD.

BYE-BYE.

I'LL SEE YOU TOMORROW, CARL.

- PICK YOU UP AT 8:00.
- OKAY.

WELL, I'M GOING HOME NOW.

LISTEN, HOW'D IT
END UP WITH RIPNER?

OH, WE WORKED EVERYTHING OUT.

I'M GONNA GIVE HIM $5 MILLION...

AND HE'S GONNA SPEND IT.

I'M REALLY SORRY.

I MEAN, I HAD THE
BOOK UNDER MY ARM.

BARNEY, HEY, LOOK,
DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

IT'S REALLY NOT YOUR FAULT.

I MEAN, IF YOU HADN'T TOLD HIM,

HE WOULD HAVE FOUND IT
OUT FROM SOMEONE ELSE.

YEAH, THAT'S PROBABLY TRUE.

OF COURSE, YOU CAN
KISS OFF ROY SCHEIDER.