Barney Miller (1975–1982): Season 7, Episode 12 - Stormy Weather - full transcript

Barney anxiously waits for news about Wojo who chased a looter into the Hudson River. A deaf woman is arrested for prostitution.

I TAKE IT DIETRICH AND
WOJO ARE STILL OUT.

IF GOD IS GOOD,

WHY DOES HE LET PEOPLE SUFFER?

GETTING WORSE, HUH?

OHH.

MY HEAD HURTS, MY
THROAT'S SCRATCHY,

AND I'M ALL ACHY.

I'M AFRAID TO EVEN
TAKE MY TEMPERATURE.

UGH.

WHY I'M NOT HOME IN
BED, I'LL NEVER KNOW.

HEY, YOU KNOW AS WELL AS I
THERE'S A MANPOWER CRUNCH.



WE GOT 34 COPS CALLED IN SICK.

I KNOW. I WAS ONE OF THEM.

I REALLY APPRECIATE
YOU COMING IN ANYWAY.

IS IT STILL RAINING?

I JUST GOT OFF THE PHONE
WITH EMERGENCY SERVICES.

THEY GOT POWER
OUTAGES AND FLOODING.

FROM WHAT I HEAR, STATEN
ISLAND IS 2 FEET UNDERWATER.

THANKS, BARNEY.

- CAPTAIN?
- Barney: YEAH.

MANPOWER SUMMARY.

OH, THANK YOU.

ANYTHING NEW FROM
THE WEATHER SERVICE?

INCREASED THUNDERSTORM
ACTIVITY FORECAST FOR TONIGHT,

CONTINUED HEAVY THROUGH
TUESDAY WITH GALE-FORCE WINDS



GUSTING UP TO 80 MILES
PER HOUR IN SOME AREAS.

WANT TO TURN THAT RADIO OFF?

SERGEANT HARRIS
SEEMS A BIT OUT OF IT, SIR.

UH...

HE'S A LITTLE UNDER THE WEATHER.

UH, SIR?

AS I MENTIONED ON
NUMEROUS OCCASIONS BEFORE,

I'M ALWAYS AVAILABLE
TO FILL IN UP HERE

IF THERE SHOULD BE A
SUDDEN MANPOWER VACANCY

DUE TO ILLNESS
OR INCAPACITATION.

UH, SO FAR, SERGEANT HARRIS
IS HOLDING UP PRETTY WELL.

THEN, UH, THINK HE'LL
MAKE IT THROUGH THE NIGHT?

WE'RE HOPING.

I'LL BE DOWNSTAIRS IN CASE
HIS CONDITION DETERIORATES.

OKAY, IN HERE.

ALL RIGHT, WHAT DO WE GOT?

UH, BARN... HER NAME
IS MADELINE SCHAEFER.

SHE WAS SOLICITING IN ONE
OF THOSE BUS SHELTERS.

IN THIS WEATHER?!

I DON'T BELIEVE WE'VE HAD THE
PLEASURE OF YOUR COMPANY.

ARE YOU NEW TO THIS PRECINCT?

SHE DIDN'T HEAR THAT.

HUH?

SHE'S DEAF.

OH. I'M SORRY.

SHE DIDN'T HEAR THAT, EITHER.

YOU WANT ME TO
MIME HER HER RIGHTS?

SO, UH, THERE SHE WAS,

PROPOSITIONING
THIS EXECUTIVE TYPE.

YOU WERE DOING
MORE THAN TALKING...

IF THAT'S WHAT YOU SAID.

SHE HAD THESE CARDS ON HER.

UH... "I AM A DEAF MUTE.

WANNA PARTY?"

"MY NAME IS MADELINE.
I THINK YOU'RE SEXY."

"HERE FOR THE CONVENTION?"

HERE'S ONE WITH, UH,
PRICES FOR VARIOUS SERVICES.

ON THE BACK, SHE'S GOT HER
ATTORNEY AND HIS NUMBER.

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, UH...

AFTER WE... AFTER WE BOOK YOU...

YOU CAN CALL YOUR LAWYER.

UH... WE'LL CALL YOUR LAWYER.

YOU WANT TO BOOK MISS
SCHAEFER? I THINK YOU CAN HANDLE IT.

SURE.

SIT THERE!

UH, MISS SCHAEFER, YOU WANT
TO HAVE A SEAT OVER THERE?

MI... I...

WE HEARD IT ALL BEFORE.

WHO WANTS TO KNOW?

LEVITT, YOU, UH... YOU
KNOW SIGN LANGUAGE?

YES, SIR.

OH, WONDERFUL.

MY SISTER'S DEAF.

OH, I'M SORRY.

NOT YOUR FAULT, SIR.

I'M SURE IF SHE WERE HERE,
SHE'D APPRECIATE YOUR PITY.

AS LONG AS YOU'RE HERE,

YOU CAN HELP DIETRICH
BOOK MISS SCHAEFER.

CERTAINLY. WHAT'S THE CHARGE?

OH, IT'S, UH, UH, LOITERING

FOR THE PURPOSE OF PROSTITUTION.

PRETTY LANGUAGE, ISN'T IT?

UH-HUH.

SHE SAYS SHE DOESN'T
HAVE TO BE DOING THIS.

SHE COULD BE ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE

WHO HANDS OUT
CARDS, ASKS FOR MONEY,

BOTHERING PEOPLE IN MOVIE LINES.

SHE DOES SOMETHING
FOR THE MONEY SHE GETS.

THAT'S VERY
CONSCIENTIOUS OF YOU,

BUT WE'RE GONNA HAVE
TO BOOK YOU ANYWAY.

THAT'S VERY
CONSCIENTIOUS OF YOU.

WE'RE STILL GONNA
HAVE TO BOOK YOU.

THAT'S OKAY.

HE TALKS LIKE THAT TO EVERYBODY.

PARK IT OVER THERE!

UH-HUH. YEAH.

I'M... I'M SURE SOMEONE
WILL BE DOWN RIGHT AWAY.

UH, BARNEY?

YEAH?

ALARM JUST WENT OFF AT A
WAREHOUSE DOWN ON PIER 23.

WHICH OF THEM IS TAKING IT?

UH, WOJO?

YOU AND HARRIS.

YOU WANT ME TO GO OUT?

I HAVE NO CHOICE IN THE MATTER.

WELL, WHAT ABOUT LEVITT?

HE HAS TO STAY
HERE AND INTERPRET.

UNLESS YOU HAPPEN TO BE
CONVERSANT IN SIGN LANGUAGE.

I GOT A COUPLE OF GESTURES.

SAVE THEM.

COME ON. LET'S GO, PARTNER.

YEAH.

STILL FEELING THAT BAD, HUH?

YEAH, MY HEAD'S STILL POUNDING.

NOW MY EARS ARE ALL STUFFED UP.

"I WAS SAD 'CAUSE
I HAD NO SHOES,

AND THEN I MET A
MAN WHO HAD NO FEET."

OH.

IS HE OUT THERE AGAIN?

I NEED YOUR DATE OF BIRTH.

MARCH 2, 1947.

YOU'VE BEEN DEAF SINCE THEN?

PLACE OF BIRTH?

NEWARK.

LOOK, I'M SORRY.

SHE'S NOT SORRY SHE'S DEAF.

I WAS TALKING ABOUT NEWARK.

IT WAS FUNNY WHEN I SAID IT.

UH, NO, I'M NOT AWARE
OF ANY STATUTES

AGAINST SHIPBUILDING
WITHIN CITY LIMITS.

NO, I DON'T KNOW HOW
MANY FEET IN A CUBIT.

YOU WANT THE ZOO, YOU'LL
HAVE TO CALL INFORMATION.

CAN I HELP YOU?
I'M CAPTAIN MILLER.

OH, MR. LUCAS, WHAT
CAN I DO FOR YOU?

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT. I'M NOT DEAF.

OH, YOU ARE!

OH, RIGHT, MR. LUCAS, AH.

YOU'RE MISS SCHAEFER'S
ATTORNEY. RIGHT.

MAKES SENSE.

UH, YES, WE DO HAVE
AN INTERPRETER,

BUT HE'S OUT OF THE
ROOM AT THE MOMENT.

YOUR CLIENT IS
BEING FINGERPRINTED

AND PHOTOGRAPHED.

OH, LEVITT! THIS IS MR. LUCAS.

THIS IS MISS
SCHAEFER'S ATTORNEY.

HE'S DEAF.

TAKE IT EASY, SIR.

I'LL FILL MR. LUCAS
IN ON THE DETAILS,

THEN I'LL BE NEEDED DOWNSTAIRS.

YOU SURE YOU CAN HANDLE
THINGS UP HERE ALONE?

I THINK SO.

I'LL GET IT.

12th PRECINCT. LEVITT.

MM-HMM.

RIGHT.

MM-HMM.

OKAY. THANKS.

SIR, IT'S DISPATCH

ABOUT THAT CALL HARRIS
AND WOJO WENT OUT ON.

THEY SPOTTED A SUSPECT,

CHASED HIM DOWN
THE END OF A PIER,

THE SUSPECT JUMPED
INTO THE RIVER.

VERY CLEVER.

WOJO JUMPED IN AFTER HIM.

THEY'RE STILL SEARCHING.

LOOK, IT'S BEEN 30 MINUTES.

COME ON, YOU MUST HAVE
SPOTTED SOMETHING BY NOW.

YEAH, I KNOW. IT'S
RAINING. IT'S DARK.

THE CURRENTS ARE TREACHEROUS.

WELL, LOOK, UH...

YOU'RE MORE FAMILIAR
WITH THIS THAN I AM.

WHAT DO YOU, UH...

WHAT DO YOU THINK SERGEANT
WOJCIEHOWICZ'S CHANCES ARE?

NO, I DON'T KNOW IF HE
ATE BEFORE HE WENT IN.

WHAT, ARE YOU... YEAH, I KNOW.

OKAY, THANK YOU. YEAH.

UH...

ANY WORD ON WOJCIEHOWICZ?

NO, NOTHING YET.

THEY'VE PUT OUT A
COUPLE OF BOATS,

TRYING TO GET A
CHOPPER UP, BUT, UH...

SIR, I REALIZE THIS MAY NOT BE

THE BEST TIME TO BRING THIS UP.

I DON'T BELIEVE THIS.

YOU'RE GONNA ASK
ABOUT PLAINCLOTHES DUTY.

A MAN'S LIFE IS IN JEOPARDY,

AND ALL YOU CAN THINK
OF IS WHAT IT MEANS TO YOU

IN TERMS OF A
POSSIBLE PROMOTION!

SIR, WHAT I WAS
GONNA SAY IS THAT

THERE'S BEEN SOME FLOODING
DOWNSTAIRS FROM THE RAIN.

OH.

THEY'RE MOPPING IT UP RIGHT NOW.

THEY MAY HAVE TO CALL
EMERGENCY SERVICES.

BELIEVE ME, SIR, I
SINCERELY HOPE AND PRAY

THAT SERGEANT WOJCIEHOWICZ
IS GONNA BE FOUND SAFE.

LEVITT, I'M SORRY.

OH, THAT'S ALL RIGHT,
SIR. I UNDERSTAND.

I REALIZE I DO TEND TO
BE A BIT OVERLY ZEALOUS

IN MY QUEST FOR ADVANCEMENT,

AND I WANT TO APOLOGIZE

IF I SOMETIMES PUT TOO
MUCH PRESSURE ON YOU.

IT'S OKAY, IT'S OKAY.

IT'S JUST THAT A PERMANENT
ASSIGNMENT UP HERE

WOULD BE THE GREATEST
REWARD FOR ALL MY EFFORTS.

IT WOULD ALSO MAKE MY
DEAF SISTER VERY PROUD.

DO YOU WANT TO
SAY SOMETHING, SIR?

NO, NO. NO.

BUT, YOU KNOW, I THINK

OF ALL THE ABSTRACT
EXPRESSIONISTS IN THE PERIOD,

I THINK THAT STUART DAVIS,
WITH HIS BOLD USE OF COLOR

AND HIS VIOLENT, CLASHY FORM...

OH, JACKSON POLLOCK.
HE'S VERY GOOD.

WHERE YOU BEEN?
IT'S ALMOST AN HOUR.

OH, WE WERE JUST CHATTING.

PRIVILEGED COMMUNICATION, SIR.

OH.

HARRIS!

THIS HAS BEEN THE
WORST NIGHT OF MY LIFE.

WHAT ABOUT WOJO?

AN HOUR AND A HALF IN THE
MIDDLE OF THE HUDSON RIVER,

STANDING IN THE RAIN ON THE
DECK OF SOME LITTLE TUNA BOAT.

WHAT ABOUT WOJO?!

OH, HIM?

HE CAME ASHORE WAY
DOWN NEAR PIER 12...

HIM AND THE GUY WE WERE CHASING.

OH, THANK GOD HE'S OKAY.

I'M FINE, TOO.

Wojo: OKAY, INSIDE, FORONJY.

YEAH, STORY OF MY LIFE.

HEY, WOJO.

HEY, ALL RIGHT.

YOU OKAY?

YEAH, YEAH, I'M ALL RIGHT.

WHAT HAPPENED?

WELL, UH, UH, UH,
THIS IS ED FORONJY.

THIS IS CAPTAIN MILLER.

UH, ANYWAY, WE, UH...

WE CAUGHT THIS GUY
COMING OUT OF A WAREHOUSE

WITH A BUNCH OF RADIOS.

WE CHASED HIM DOWN
TO THE END OF THE PIER

AND THOUGHT WE HAD HIM TRAPPED,

AND THEN HE JUMPED IN THE WATER.

I FIGURED ONLY A REAL HOT
DOG WOULD COME IN AFTER ME.

SO I DID.

NEXT THING I KNEW,

HE'S SWIMMING
OUT INTO THE RIVER.

I GOT FAMILY IN JERSEY.

ANYWAY, I JUST KEPT
SWIMMING AFTER HIM,

AND I'D JUST ABOUT CAUGHT HIM,

AND THEN I GOT THIS INCREDIBLE
CRAMP IN MY RIGHT SIDE.

YEAH, HE STARTS YELLING,
"HELP ME! HELP ME!"

AND SUDDENLY I SEE
HIM GO UNDER THE WATER.

SO I WAS JUST ABOUT OUT OF IT,

AND I FELT THIS... THIS
ARM AROUND MY NECK.

NEXT THING, HE'S PULLING
ME BACK TO SHORE.

GOT ME UP ON THE PIER,
BROUGHT ME AROUND.

THEN I ARRESTED HIM.

OH.

WE'RE GONNA BOOK
YOU NOW, MR. FORONJY.

YOU'RE WELCOME.

OVER HERE.

SURE.

HARRIS...

HARRIS, WHY DON'T YOU GO
BACK TO THE LOCKER ROOM

AND PUT ON SOME
DRY CLOTHES, HUH?

ALL MY DRY CLOTHES ARE HOME.

CHECK MY LOCKER. I GOT A
LOT OF EXTRA STUFF THERE.

YOU COULD PROBABLY FIT INTO IT.

I MAY JUST STAY WET.

- Levitt: SIR?
- YEAH.

MR. LUCAS SAYS WE MAY HAVE
A CASE OF ENTRAPMENT HERE.

THAT'S FOR A JUDGE TO DECIDE.

THAT'S FINE WITH ME.

BAIL IS ALREADY BEING
ARRANGED FOR MISS SCHAEFER.

YOUR HOME ADDRESS?

1314 DELANCEY STREET.

YOU KNOW, I COULD
HAVE KEPT RIGHT ON GOING

AND LEFT YOU AT THE
BOTTOM OF THE HUDSON

WITH A FEW HUNDRED ACCOUNTANTS.

THAT'S RIGHT. YOU COULD HAVE.

WHAT'S YOUR BUSINESS ADDRESS?

712 EAST 45th STREET.

I WORK AS A VOLUNTEER
ON A CRISIS HOT LINE.

THAT'S JUST MONDAY
THROUGH FRIDAY.

WEEKENDS, I'M A BIG BROTHER.

UH-HUH.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S
WRONG WITH ME.

I MEAN, OTHER GUYS I KNOW
WHO ARE MAKING IT BIG IN CRIME,

THEY'RE VICIOUS,
THEY'RE RUTHLESS.

THEY'D SHOOT YOU JUST
AS SOON AS LOOK AT YOU.

BUT NOT ME.

LAST WEEK, I WENT IN TO HOLD
UP A LIQUOR STORE IN QUEENS.

WHO'S RUNNING IT?
VIETNAMESE REFUGEES.

I WOUND UP GIVING THEM 20
BUCKS TO HELP THE BOAT PEOPLE.

I MEAN, I DON'T KNOW
WHAT MY PROBLEM IS.

MAYBE YOU'RE JUST A
DECENT HUMAN BEING.

HEY, I FEEL BAD ENOUGH ALREADY.

HERE WE GO.

HERE YOU GO.

HEY, I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT.

HOW LONG YOU BEEN A POLICEMAN?

OFF AND ON ABOUT SEVEN YEARS.

YOU DON'T LOOK LIKE ONE.

THANK YOU.

I THINK YOU'RE A LOT
CUTER THAN MOST COPS.

IS THAT YOU OR HER?

LOOK, IT'S PROBABLY
NONE OF MY BUSINESS,

BUT I DON'T UNDERSTAND

HOW SOMEONE WHO'S
OBVIOUSLY INTELLIGENT,

WELL-READ, ATTRACTIVE

COULD BE DOING
SOMETHING LIKE THIS.

I LIKE TO EAT.

YOU LIKE TO EAT CHINESE?

I BELIEVE SHE PREFERS SZECHUAN.

I KNOW A PLACE OVER ON
3rd AVENUE... CHARLIE WOO'S...

GOT A KUNG PAO CHICKEN
WILL KNOCK YOUR SOCKS OFF.

WHO'S THAT? FROM WHAT I GATHER,

IT'S EITHER HER PIMP OR
HER BOYFRIEND OR BOTH.

SHE HAS TO SIGN
FOR HER VALUABLES.

AH, YOU'RE LEAVING, MR. LUCAS.

UH... GOODBYE.

I WANT TO THANK YOU FOR
ALL YOUR COOPERATION.

WE APPRECIATE YOUR PATIENCE.

I ALSO WANT TO ADD

THAT OFFICER LEVITT'S
ASSISTANCE WAS INVALUABLE.

I'M GLAD HE COULD BE OF HELP.

I CAN'T HELP WONDERING

WHY AN OFFICER AS
CAPABLE AS OFFICER LEVITT

IS STILL IN UNIFORM
AND NOT IN A POSITION

WHERE HIS OBVIOUS
SKILLS AND ABILITIES

COULD BE MORE FULLY UTILIZED.

I COULDN'T HAVE SAID
IT BETTER MYSELF.

YEAH.

TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF.

WOO'S, TOMORROW AT 7:00.

THANKS, CARL.

SHALL WE MEET THERE
OR GO IN THE SAME CAR?

OKAY.

I'M GONNA HAVE TO RUN
YOU OVER TO THE TOMBS NOW.

NOBODY CAME UP
WITH THE BAIL, HUH?

NO, I'M AFRAID NOT.

I CALLED UP HALF THE
PEOPLE IN MY CHOIR,

TOLD THEM I NEEDED SOME MONEY.

ALL OF A SUDDEN,
I'M SINGING SOLO.

MAYBE IT'S THE WEATHER.

I TELL YOU, I'M THROUGH
BEING MR. COMPASSIONATE.

FROM NOW ON, TO
HELL WITH EVERYBODY.

I'M GONNA START LOOKING
OUT FOR NUMERO UNO.

UHH... BE CAREFUL.
IT'S WET THERE.

ANYTHING HAPPENING?

WOJO JUST LEFT FOR
DOWNTOWN WITH THAT HOOD.

I BELIEVE SERGEANTS HARRIS
AND DIETRICH CHECKED OUT.

WHY DON'T YOU GO
ON HOME YOURSELF?

YES, SIR.

LEVITT...

THANK YOU.

IS THAT YOU, BARNEY?

I THOUGHT YOU'D GONE HOME.

YOU WANT TO KNOW SOMETHING?

YOU CAN HAVE MONEY TO BURN...

FAME, SUCCESS...

PERSONAL AND
SEXUAL FULFILLMENT...

BUT IF YOU HAVEN'T
GOT YOUR HEALTH,

YOU'VE GOT NOTHING.

I'VE HEARD THAT.

SORRY.

IT'S HARD TO BE ORIGINAL

WHEN YOU'VE GOT A
TEMPERATURE OF 102.

I SEE YOU TOOK
ME UP ON MY OFFER.

OH, YEAH.

THEY'RE ALL GONE ANYWAY.

ACTUALLY, YOU LOOK
VERY NICE IN THAT OUTFIT.

YOU'RE RIGHT.

THANK YOU.

IT'S FUNNY.

ALL THESE YEARS, I'VE SPENT
MONEY ON CUSTOM TAILORING,

THE LATEST FASHIONS.

TURNS OUT I CAN LOOK
GOOD IN ANYTHING.