Barney Miller (1975–1982): Season 7, Episode 11 - The Psychic - full transcript
A mugger claims he was following a psychic vision. A language professor vandalizes a grammatically incorrect billboard.
SO HOW DO THE EGGS LOOK TODAY?
ALL RIGHT.
WHY DON'T YOU LET
ME HAVE 3,000 DOZEN?
UH, YEAH, AND ALSO
1/2 TON OF BACON...
1,600 POUNDS OF POTATOES...
ONE TOASTED ENGLISH.
AND, UH, 1,500 GALLONS
OF FLORIDA ORANGE JUICE.
YEAH. BYE.
ARE YOU ORDERING
BREAKFAST FOR MANHATTAN?
NO.
IT'S COMMODITIES, BARNEY.
OH, REALLY?
YEAH, I GOT TIRED OF DOING
JUST STOCKS AND BONDS.
THERE'S A LOT MORE ACTION
IN THE COMMODITIES MARKET.
IT'S A LOT RISKIER,
TOO, ISN'T IT?
WELL, I MEAN, YOU GOT TO
KNOW THE RIGHT ONES TO BUY.
I THOUGHT THE... THE HOT
COMMODITIES WERE THE GRAINS...
OATS, ALFALFA, BUCKWHEAT.
YOU FORGOT FARINA AND SPANKY.
VERY CLEVER.
HEY, LISTEN, UH, MAYBE
YOU CAN USE IT HERE.
IT'S FROM THE P.A.L.
THEY'RE STAGING THEIR
ANNUAL BENEFIT VARIETY SHOW,
AND THEY'RE LOOKING FOR COPS
WITH SOME PERFORMING BACKGROUND.
I DO A PRETTY GOOD
GOETHE IMPRESSION.
"TAKE MY SOUL, PLEASE."
UH, BARNEY, BACK IN COLLEGE,
DIDN'T YOU, UH, USED
TO DO A LITTLE SINGING?
ME? NO.
OH.
WHAT DO YOU SAY?
WELL, NOT ME.
I'M A COP.
WHAT ABOUT WOJO?
FORGET IT.
ALL RIGHT. MAYBE NEXT YEAR.
YOU'RE THE ONE WHO
STARTED THE WHOLE THING!
WHY DON'T YOU JUST
TELL THE TRUTH?!
I MEAN, THE GUY MUST BE
NUTS! WHAT ARE YOU, NUTS?!
TAKE IT EASY!
WHAT HAVE WE GOT?
UH, THIS ONE IS PHILIP POLLOCK.
I PICKED HIM IN
WASHINGTON SQUARE PARK,
AND HE'S CHARGED WITH
ASSAULT AND BATTERY.
HE JUST JUMPED ME FOR NO REASON.
HE KNOWS WHY!
ACCORDING TO A HOT-DOG
VENDOR WHO SAW IT HAPPEN,
KELSO HERE WAS WALKING
ALONG THE SIDEWALK BY HIMSELF
WHEN POLLOCK CAME UP BEHIND HIM
AND GRABBED HIM AROUND THE NECK.
I ASKED HIM TO PLEASE
JUST TAKE MY WALLET.
HE WOULDN'T!
WHEN I GOT THERE,
POLLOCK HAD HIM ON THE
GROUND IN A HAMMERLOCK.
I HAD TO STOP HIM!
FROM WHAT?
THERE WAS A LADY
IN FRONT OF HIM.
HE WAS ABOUT TO STEAL HER PURSE!
HE'S CRAZY!
HE'S CRAZY.
WAS HE, UH, REACHING
FOR THE PURSE?
NO.
WELL, WAS HE
APPROACHING THE LADY?
WAS HE, UH, MAKING SOME
KIND OF HOSTILE GESTURE?
NOT YET, BUT HE
WAS THINKING OF IT.
HOW DO YOU KNOW?
WHAT ARE YOU... PSYCHIC?
YES, I AM!
I HAVE THE GIFT OF PRECOGNITION.
I SEE.
SO DO I.
IT'S NOTHING TO BRAG ABOUT.
I WAS JUST BORN WITH IT.
AND, UH, THE WOMAN?
WELL, UH, SUPPOSEDLY,
SHE KEPT ON WALKING.
SHE WAS LATE FOR A
DENTAL APPOINTMENT.
THANK YOU.
ALL RIGHT, MR. KELSO.
HAVE A SEAT OVER HERE.
SERGEANT HARRIS WILL
TAKE YOUR STATEMENT.
CAPTAIN, WE GOT A
DISTURBANCE ON SIXTH AVENUE.
Barney: UH, YOU AND LEVITT.
ALL RIGHT, MR. POLLOCK.
I'M AFRAID SERGEANT
WOJCIEHOWICZ IS...
I KNOW... HE'S GOING TO BOOK ME.
WHICH DESK?
THERE CAN'T BE TWO OF YOU.
- OKAY...
- OCTOBER 15th, 1946.
- UH...
- HARRISBURG, PENNSYLVANIA.
I CAN'T HELP IT.
SURE.
I KNOW THAT IT'S
HARD FOR SOMEBODY
WHO DOESN'T HAVE THE
GIFT TO UNDERSTAND IT.
YEAH, YEAH.
LET ME GIVE YOU AN EXAMPLE.
IT'S LIKE... IT'S LIKE
THE COMMERCIAL,
YOU KNOW, WITH THE GUY
AND THE GIRL IN THE ELEVATOR,
AND THE GIRL IS THINKING,
"CUTE GUY. WONDER WHY HE
KEEPS SCRATCHING HIS HEAD?
MAYBE HE'S GOT DANDRUFF."
YEAH, YEAH.
WELL, I HEAR THAT.
UH...
LET'S GET FINISHED WITH
THE REPORT, ALL RIGHT?
ALL RIGHT.
YOU CAN GO FIRST, IF YOU LIKE.
03432-1878.
SORRY.
I'M TELLING YOU, THIS IS
DESTROYING OUR CIVILIZATION!
ALL RIGHT. MOVE IT INSIDE.
MOVE WHAT?
JUST GET IN THERE.
CAPTAIN, THIS IS RONALD HANNA...
DISORDERLY CONDUCT AND
DESTRUCTION OF PRIVATE PROPERTY.
HE WAS RIDING ON A BUS
AND RIPPED DOWN THAT AD.
"AUNT SALLY'S
KOSHER-STYLE PICKLES."
FOR TWO YEARS, I'VE BEEN STARING
AT THAT TRAVESTY OF
THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE.
READ IT.
"AUNT SALLY SAYS, 'MY PICKLES
ARE THE TONGUE-TEASINGEST,
THE LIP-SMACKINGEST, AND
THE CRUN-CRUN-CRUNCHIEST.'"
I WANT HER ARRESTED.
MR. HANNA'S A PROFESSOR OF
LINGUISTICS AND ENGLISH AT NYU.
OH.
THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE
IS ONE OF THE MOST BEAUTIFUL
AND EXPRESSIVE OF ALL TONGUES.
BUT IT'S BEING CORRUPTED AND
DEBASED BY ITS CHRONIC MISUSE.
MANUFACTURED LINGO, LIKE THAT...
DULL-WITTED CLICHéS,
REDUNDANCIES,
MINDLESS PHRASEOLOGY.
"SAVE UP TO 50% AND MORE!"
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
I REALLY DON'T KNOW,
MR. HANNA, BUT...
CAPTAIN, IT'S NOT JUST A MATTER
OF A STUPID PICKLE SLOGAN.
THE MANIPULATION OF LANGUAGE
IS ONE OF THE PRIMARY METHODS
USED BY THOSE IN POWER TO
CONFUSE AND DIVERT THE PUBLIC.
A FALSE STATEMENT ISN'T A LIE.
IT'S SIMPLY "NO
LONGER OPERATIVE."
"WAR" BECOMES "PACIFICATION."
AND "BOMBING"...
"THE VERTICAL DEPLOYMENT
OF ANTIPERSONNEL DEVICES."
WELL, YOU GOT SOME VALID
POINTS THERE, PROFESSOR.
BUT I'M AFRAID WE'RE GONNA
HAVE TO BOOK YOU ANYWAY.
BUT I HAVE A SEMINAR AT 3:00.
HOPEFULLY, YOU'LL BE
OUT OF HERE BY THEN.
- "HOPEFULLY"?
- I CAN'T GUARANTEE IT.
"HOPEFULLY" MEANS "WITH
HOPE," CAPTAIN, NOT "I HOPE."
DID YOU MEAN THAT I WILL
BE OUT OF HERE WITH HOPE?
NO! YOU MEANT THAT YOU
HOPE THAT I WILL BE OUT OF HERE!
RIGHT. I HOPE SO.
I'M SORRY IF I WAS A BIT SHARP.
BUT A TINY MISTAKE LIKE THAT,
WELL, IT MAKES
ME A LITTLE CRAZY.
IRREGARDLESS, WANT TO
HAVE A SEAT OVER THERE?
CAPTAIN, SHOULD I PUT A
WARRANT OUT FOR AUNT SALLY?
HUH?
DID YOU EVER TASTE HER PICKLES?
IF YOU NEED ME,
I'LL BE DOWNSTAIRS...
SITTING QUIETLY.
THIS DAY HAS BEEN A NIGHTMARE.
FIRST, I WAS WALKING DOWN
6th AVENUE THIS MORNING.
A SIGN IN A BANK WINDOW
WAS OFFERING FREE GIFTS.
WHAT OTHER KIND
OF GIFTS ARE THERE?
ADDRESS?
514 EAST 25th STREET.
THEN WHEN I WENT TO LUNCH,
DO YOU KNOW WHAT
THE SPECIALS WERE?
STEAK O' BOB AND FILET O' FISH.
I AGREE WITH YOU,
THAT LANGUAGE HAS
DETERIORATED SHARPLY
IN RECENT YEARS,
BUT LET'S GET THROUGH WITH THIS.
CERTAINLY.
NEXT O' KIN?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN, EGGS
HAVE DROPPED 11 CENTS?
I THOUGHT THEY WERE
THE PERFECT FOOD!
NAH, DON'T SELL ME OUT.
LISTEN, IF YOU NEED MORE
CASH TO COVER THE MARGIN,
JUST GIVE ME A CALL BACK, OKAY?
YEAH.
I NEVER EAT EGGS.
YOU KNOW, IT'S PEOPLE LIKE YOU
WHO ARE WREAKING
HAVOC WITH THIS ECONOMY.
HEY, BARN?
YEAH?
I CHECKED POLLOCK
HERE FOR PRIORS.
HE'S CLEAN.
BUT AT THE SAME
TIME, I CHECKED KELSO.
13 PREVIOUS ARRESTS...
9 OF THEM FOR PURSE SNATCHING.
IS THAT RELEVANT?
I'M TELLING YOU,
HE ATTACKED ME...
FOR NO REASON!
WELL, IF HE DID, HE SURE
PICKED THE RIGHT GUY.
UH, WHO IS THE VICTIM
HERE... HIM OR ME?
I'M NOT SO SURE.
YOU SIGN THAT COMPLAINT YET?
OH, I HAVEN'T DECIDED YET.
WHEN I DO, YOU'LL BE
THE FIRST TO KNOW...
PROBABLY.
I'M GONNA GO OUT TO LUNCH TODAY.
OKAY.
NO, YOU'RE NOT.
EXCUSE ME?
I FEEL THAT SOMETHING'S
GONNA STOP YOU.
I SENSE A GLOOMY,
OVERBEARING PRESENCE NEARBY.
MR. POLLOCK, I...
AFTERNOON, MEN!
INSPECTOR LUGER. WHAT
A PLEASANT SURPRISE.
OF COURSE IT IS, HAR!
- BARNEY.
- INSPECTOR.
- WOJO.
- HOW YOU DOING, INSPECTOR?
GOD BLESS POLAND.
THANK YOU, INSPECTOR.
WHAT BRINGS YOU DOWN, INSPECTOR?
WELL, I GOT A FEW THINGS HERE
I'D LIKE TO GO OVER
WITH YOU, BARN,
YOU KNOW, IN MY CAPACITY
AS MEDIA LIAISON OFFICER.
I'M REALLY SORRY, INSPECTOR.
BUT I WAS... I WAS JUST
HEADING OUT FOR LUNCH.
HMM. AHH. OKAY. GOOD DEAL.
NO REASON WHY WE CAN'T
GO THROUGH THIS STUFF
OVER SOME CHOW, HUH?
WHAT DO YOU SAY WE ANKLE UP TO
THE OYSTER BAR IN GRAND CENTRAL?
UH, MAYBE IT WOULD BE BETTER
TO, UH, DO IT IN MY OFFICE.
HEY, WHATEVER YOU SAY, BARN.
ONLY YOU ALREADY HAD
ME SLURPING THEM OYSTERS.
BARN, ROBBERY IN PROGRESS...
A LIQUOR STORE ON BLEECKER.
ALL RIGHT. UH, YOU AND HARRIS.
HERE, HERE, HERE, HERE.
NO! DON'T GO!
WE GOT TO.
NO, NO, NOT YOU.
HIM!
DON'T GO OUT!
WHY NOT, MR. POLLOCK?
I DON'T KNOW,
BUT SOMETHING TERRIBLE
IS GOING TO HAPPEN.
YOU KNOW THIS MAN IS
SERIOUSLY DISTURBED?
YOU STILL WANT TO GO?
YEAH. SURE.
IT'S BEEN FUN.
INSPECTOR.
FORGOT ALL ABOUT THE
OLD INSPECTOR, HUH, BARN?
NO. AS A MATTER OF FACT...
SITTING HERE, ALL
ALONE, 20 MINUTES...
NOTHING TO DO
BUT STARE AT AN EMPTY
BOTTLE OF AFTERSHAVE LOTION.
AS A MATTER OF FACT,
I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND PICKED
US UP A COUPLE OF SANDWICHES.
OH. GOOD THINKING, BARN.
THEY'RE OUT OF THE MACHINE,
BUT... WHAT HAVE WE GOT?
WELL, THERE'S EGG
SALAD OR OLIVE LOAF.
AH. THEY FINALLY SOLD IT, HUH?
THANKS, BARN.
SO... WHAT WERE
YOU ARRESTED FOR?
PREVENTING A MUGGING.
OOH.
HOW ABOUT YOU?
DEFENDING THE INTEGRITY
OF THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE.
DOESN'T SEEM QUITE FAIR.
UNFORTUNATELY, IT'S OFTEN
THE VERY PEOPLE WHO ARE
TRYING TO PRESERVE THE SOCIETY
WHO ARE THE FIRST TO
BE PERSECUTED BY IT.
AIN'T IT THE TRUTH?
IT WAS NICE TALKING TO YOU.
SO...
EVERY WEEK, BARN, I GOT TO
HAND OUT THESE NEWS RELEASES
TO THE GENTLEMEN OF
THE PRESS, YOU KNOW?
KEEP THEM UP-TO-DATE ON THE
WORKINGS OF THE DEPARTMENT,
AS IF IT'S ANY OF
THEIR BUSINESS.
HUH?
YEAH.
BUT IT AIN'T EASY, BARNEY.
YOU KNOW, I'M SUPPOSED TO
SUMMARIZE ALL THE DECISIONS
THAT COME DOWN
FROM THE REVIEW BOARD,
LIKE, UH... OH, FORGET IT.
OH, YEAH. YEAH. HERE IT IS.
YEAH, THIS ROTTEN APPLE
FROM THE 2nd PRECINCT, BARN.
BEEN ON THE FORCE 25 YEARS.
ALL THIS TIME, HE'S
TAKING KICKBACKS,
SHAKING DOWN THE
LOCAL MERCHANTS.
THE REVIEW BOARD NAILS HIM
WITH 64 SEPARATE
COUNTS OF "MISCONDUCT."
I THOUGHT I'D JUST
SUM IT ALL UP BY SAYING,
"POLICE OFFICER RETIRES."
PRETTY MUCH SAYS
IT ALL, HUH, BARN?
PRETTY MUCH.
YEAH.
OH. OH. AND HERE'S
A DOOZY, BARNEY.
THIS IS ABOUT THE
DEPARTMENTAL ALLOCATION
ABOUT WHO'S GONNA GET THE
BULLETPROOF VESTS, YOU KNOW?
IT ALMOST SOUNDS LIKE
THE DEPARTMENT'S PLAYING
FAVORITES OR SOMETHING.
INSPECTOR, UH... DIDN'T
YOU SAY SOMETHING
ABOUT WANTING TO
DISCUSS SOMETHING WITH ME?
RIGHT.
CONCERNING ME?
OH, NO. NO, NO, NOT
CONCERNING YOU, BARN.
YOU NEVER GIVE ME ANY PROBLEMS.
IT'S JUST THAT I THOUGHT
MAYBE YOU WOULDN'T MIND
GIVING ME A LITTLE
HAND WITH THIS STUFF...
YOU KNOW, TRY TO
MAKE IT SOUND GOOD.
AW, INSPECTOR.
REALLY, THAT KIND OF WRITING
SHOULD REALLY BE
DONE BY ONE PERSON.
STYLES, YOU KNOW.
YEAH. RIGHT, BARNEY.
ALL RIGHT. I'LL BE BACK
WHEN YOU'RE FINISHED.
I'M JUST KIDDING, BARN.
HERE. COME ON. I'LL HELP YOU.
LEFTY?
CAN I HELP YOU?
I'M ROGER JOYCE,
MARKETING DIRECTOR
OF AUNT SALLY'S
KOSHER-STYLE PICKLES.
OH. WE WERE
EXPECTING AUNT SALLY.
SHE DOESN'T GET OUT A LOT.
BARN?
I NEED ANOTHER WORD
HERE FOR "EXTORTION"...
YOU KNOW, SOMETHING THAT
DON'T SOUND SO NEGATIVE.
YES?
UH, EXCUSE THE INTERRUPTION.
MR. JOYCE OF AUNT SALLY'S
IS HERE. YOU WANT TO...
YES. YES.
UH, INSPECTOR,
EXCUSE ME. I'VE GOT TO...
OH, SURE. OKAY, BARNEY.
GO AHEAD. I'LL BE RIGHT HERE.
UH, MR. JOYCE,
I'M CAPTAIN MILLER.
I WAS IN AUNT SALLY'S KITCHEN
WHEN I HEARD ABOUT THIS.
AND I'M STILL
THOROUGHLY CONFUSED
AS TO WHY ANYONE WOULD
TAKE SUCH A VIOLENT ACTION
AGAINST OUR PRODUCT.
YOU CAN'T SAY THINGS LIKE THAT!
APPARENTLY, MR. HANNA
TOOK EXCEPTION
TO SOME OF YOUR
ADVERTISING COPY.
BUT IT'S ALL TRUE.
OUR PICKLES ARE THE
TONGUE-TEASINGEST,
LIP-SMACKINGEST,
CRUN-CRUN-CRUNCHIEST.
WE COULDN'T SAY
IT IF IT WASN'T SO.
UH, I DON'T THINK THAT'S
WHAT MR. HANNA HAD IN MIND.
INDEPENDENTLY CONDUCTED
TESTS AND SURVEYS
HAVE PROVEN CONCLUSIVELY
THAT WHEN IT COMES TO FLAVOR,
TEXTURE, AND CRUNCHABILITY,
NO OTHER PICKLE COMES
CLOSE TO AUNT SALLY'S.
I TAKE IT AUNT SALLY
IS PRESSING CHARGES?
YES, SHE IS.
THIS WAY.
UH, BEFORE WE
PROCEED ANY FURTHER,
I-I THINK I SHOULD TELL
YOU THAT, IN REALITY...
there is no Aunt Sally.
OH?
WE MADE HER UP.
I SEE.
THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH
THAT. IT'S COMMON INDUSTRY PRACTICE.
UM, IT ADDS A HOMEY,
PERSONAL TOUCH
THAT MOST PEOPLE
SEEM TO FALL FOR.
HAVE A SEAT OVER THERE.
THERE'S NO SERGIO
VALENTE, EITHER.
I JUST TALKED TO HIM YESTERDAY.
NO PACING.
I'M SORRY, BUT I CAN'T HELP IT.
I'M TRYING TO WORK
OFF MY PSYCHIC ENERGY.
DO IT SITTING DOWN.
IT'S JUST THAT SOMETIMES
THE THOUGHTS AND
THE PREMONITIONS
START COMING SO FAST,
WORKING INTO MY HEAD.
OH, MY GOD.
WHAT'S THE MATTER?
SOMETHING'S COMING.
SOMETHING GOOD?
AN EARTHQUAKE...
ROADS BUCKLING...
BUILDINGS IN RUBBLE,
PEOPLE RUNNING, SCREAMING!
HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN IN IOWA?!
TAKE IT EASY.
I SEE HEADLINES.
NUMBERS GOING
UP... 21, 23, 27...
PRIME RATE.
32, 36, OVER 40 BILLION SERVED!
OR PRIME MEAT.
WARS! ECONOMIC COLLAPSE!
PEOPLE RIOTING FOR FOOD!
OH, MY GOD, THEY'VE
CANCELED "LOU GRANT."
I SEE SERGEANT
HARRIS... IN TROUBLE.
HE'S IN DANGER.
HE'S GOING DOWN!
HE'S FALLING!
PLUMMETING!
TELEPHONE.
THE IMAGES ARE SCRAMBLING.
I-I CAN'T TELL WHAT IT IS.
SOMETHING'S COMING!
YOU'RE JUST... OHH...
FOR GOD'S SAKE,
SOMEBODY HELP HIM!
MR. POLLOCK,
JUST... JUST SIT DOWN.
I SENSE RESENTMENT IN THE ROOM!
FRUSTRATION!
OLIVE LOAF!
LUGER?!
LUGER!
UH... DO YOUR OWN DAMN WORK!
NOW, CUT THAT OUT,
MR. POLLOCK! YOU JUST CUT IT OUT!
SIT DOWN BEFORE YOU
EMBARRASS YOURSELF FURTHER!
I'M SORRY.
LOOK WHO'S BACK.
YOU'RE ALL RIGHT!
I'M SORRY.
GET INSIDE, GUINNESS.
WELL, THAT SOUNDS REASONABLE.
WHAT DO YOU GOT?
WELL, THIS IS, UH,
JOHN GUINNESS.
TRIED TO HOLD UP
A DODDS LIQUORS.
WHEN WE GOT THERE,
HE WAS STILL WAITING FOR
THE CLERK TO OPEN THE SAFE.
I'M STANDING THERE, I MEAN,
WITH THIS TINY LITTLE GUN.
IT'S NO BIGGER THAN NANCY'S.
AND THIS GUY COMES CHARGING
IN THERE WITH A .38 SPECIAL,
AND HE YELLS, "FREEZE IT, HONKY,
OR I'LL BLOW YOU TO MILWAUKEE."
ALMOST RHYMES.
THEN I DROP IT, AND
HE GIVES ME A BIG HUG!
GO AHEAD, WOJO. BOOK HIM.
SIT DOWN OVER HERE.
COME ON.
HEY, EARL. WHAT
ARE YOU DOING HERE?
YOU SNATCH ANOTHER PURSE?
MR. KELSO, HAVE YOU
MADE YOUR MIND UP YET?
OH, YEAH.
FORGET IT.
OH? YOU'RE NOT PRESSING CHARGES?
I THINK HE'S SUFFERED
ENOUGH, DON'T YOU?
IT'S UP TO YOU.
THEN YOU'RE RELEASING ME?
YOU'RE NOT UNDER ARREST.
OH.
RIGHT.
I'M, UH, GONNA GIVE YOU
A BREAK, MR. MIND READER.
HOPE YOU APPRECIATE IT.
THANK YOU.
SURE.
HEY, KELSO!
YEAH?
FORGET ABOUT THE JEWELRY
STORE ON LEXINGTON.
GET OUT OF THERE!
ALL RIGHT, YOU CAN
TURN POLLOCK LOOSE.
I'VE SIGNED THE COMPLAINT.
APPRECIATE YOU COMING DOWN.
OH, RON, YOUR
BROKER JUST CALLED.
CALLED EARLIER, TOO.
UH, THANKS.
YOU KNOW, I'LL BET YOU
JUST GOT HOLD OF A BAD JAR.
I NEVER HAD YOUR PICKLES.
BUT, THEN, HOW
CAN YOU CRITICIZE?
I MEAN, IF YOU'VE NEVER
ENJOYED THE OLD-FASHIONED,
DOWN-HOME GOODNESS
OF AUNT SALLY...
MR. JOYCE, I'M NOT TALKING
ABOUT THE PICKLES, PER SE.
I'M TALKING ABOUT THE WORDS
YOU USE TO DESCRIBE THEM...
"TONGUE-TEASINGEST,
LIP-SMACKINGEST,
CRUN-CRUN-CRUNCHIEST."
I'M SURPRISED YOU DON'T
SAY "KO-KO-KOSHEREST."
MR. JOYCE, I REALLY BELIEVE
IF YOU'LL JUST SAY
WHAT YOU WANT TO SAY
WITH SIMPLICITY AND
PURITY AND PRECISION,
YOU'LL SELL A LOT MORE PICKLES.
"KO-KO-KOSHEREST."
P-PLEASE!
"KO-KO-KOSHEREST."
KO-KO... KOSHERIFIC.
WHAT?
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
LOOK, I HAD TO GO ON A CALL.
COULDN'T YOU HAVE
COVERED IT YOURSELF?
I UNDERSTAND.
THESE THINGS DO HAPPEN.
RIGHT.
MY EGGS.
I LOST ALL MY EGGS.
I'M SORRY.
MY BROKER NEEDED MORE
MONEY TO COVER THE MARGIN.
HE COULDN'T GET A HOLD
OF ME, SO HE DUMPED THEM,
AND I LOST $2,100.
I TOLD YOU NOT TO GO.
"I TOLD YOU NOT TO GO."
WELL, BARN, I THINK I'LL BE
HEADING ALONG BACK DOWNTOWN.
UH, WELL, WE DIDN'T
FINISH, INSPECTOR, DID WE?
NO, NO, BUT THAT'S OKAY, BARNEY.
I'LL POLISH THEM OFF BY
MYSELF, MAYBE ON THE SUBWAY.
WHATEVER YOU SAY, INSPECTOR.
JUNE 1, 1984.
DOESN'T THAT DATE MEAN
ANYTHING TO YOU, BARN?
NO.
THAT'S WHEN THEY PUT ME
OUT TO PASTURE... RETIRE.
I SEE.
AFTER THAT, THE OLD INSPECTOR
WON'T BE COMING DOWN ANYMORE,
TELLING YOU THE OLD STORIES,
CHEWING OFF YOUR EAR
HALF THE DAY AT A TIME.
I'LL BE ABLE TO BE
HERE THE WHOLE DAY.
LOOKING FORWARD TO IT, BARN.
TOODLE-OO.
HOW COME NO ONE TOLD
ME ABOUT THE VARIETY SHOW?
ALL RIGHT.
WHY DON'T YOU LET
ME HAVE 3,000 DOZEN?
UH, YEAH, AND ALSO
1/2 TON OF BACON...
1,600 POUNDS OF POTATOES...
ONE TOASTED ENGLISH.
AND, UH, 1,500 GALLONS
OF FLORIDA ORANGE JUICE.
YEAH. BYE.
ARE YOU ORDERING
BREAKFAST FOR MANHATTAN?
NO.
IT'S COMMODITIES, BARNEY.
OH, REALLY?
YEAH, I GOT TIRED OF DOING
JUST STOCKS AND BONDS.
THERE'S A LOT MORE ACTION
IN THE COMMODITIES MARKET.
IT'S A LOT RISKIER,
TOO, ISN'T IT?
WELL, I MEAN, YOU GOT TO
KNOW THE RIGHT ONES TO BUY.
I THOUGHT THE... THE HOT
COMMODITIES WERE THE GRAINS...
OATS, ALFALFA, BUCKWHEAT.
YOU FORGOT FARINA AND SPANKY.
VERY CLEVER.
HEY, LISTEN, UH, MAYBE
YOU CAN USE IT HERE.
IT'S FROM THE P.A.L.
THEY'RE STAGING THEIR
ANNUAL BENEFIT VARIETY SHOW,
AND THEY'RE LOOKING FOR COPS
WITH SOME PERFORMING BACKGROUND.
I DO A PRETTY GOOD
GOETHE IMPRESSION.
"TAKE MY SOUL, PLEASE."
UH, BARNEY, BACK IN COLLEGE,
DIDN'T YOU, UH, USED
TO DO A LITTLE SINGING?
ME? NO.
OH.
WHAT DO YOU SAY?
WELL, NOT ME.
I'M A COP.
WHAT ABOUT WOJO?
FORGET IT.
ALL RIGHT. MAYBE NEXT YEAR.
YOU'RE THE ONE WHO
STARTED THE WHOLE THING!
WHY DON'T YOU JUST
TELL THE TRUTH?!
I MEAN, THE GUY MUST BE
NUTS! WHAT ARE YOU, NUTS?!
TAKE IT EASY!
WHAT HAVE WE GOT?
UH, THIS ONE IS PHILIP POLLOCK.
I PICKED HIM IN
WASHINGTON SQUARE PARK,
AND HE'S CHARGED WITH
ASSAULT AND BATTERY.
HE JUST JUMPED ME FOR NO REASON.
HE KNOWS WHY!
ACCORDING TO A HOT-DOG
VENDOR WHO SAW IT HAPPEN,
KELSO HERE WAS WALKING
ALONG THE SIDEWALK BY HIMSELF
WHEN POLLOCK CAME UP BEHIND HIM
AND GRABBED HIM AROUND THE NECK.
I ASKED HIM TO PLEASE
JUST TAKE MY WALLET.
HE WOULDN'T!
WHEN I GOT THERE,
POLLOCK HAD HIM ON THE
GROUND IN A HAMMERLOCK.
I HAD TO STOP HIM!
FROM WHAT?
THERE WAS A LADY
IN FRONT OF HIM.
HE WAS ABOUT TO STEAL HER PURSE!
HE'S CRAZY!
HE'S CRAZY.
WAS HE, UH, REACHING
FOR THE PURSE?
NO.
WELL, WAS HE
APPROACHING THE LADY?
WAS HE, UH, MAKING SOME
KIND OF HOSTILE GESTURE?
NOT YET, BUT HE
WAS THINKING OF IT.
HOW DO YOU KNOW?
WHAT ARE YOU... PSYCHIC?
YES, I AM!
I HAVE THE GIFT OF PRECOGNITION.
I SEE.
SO DO I.
IT'S NOTHING TO BRAG ABOUT.
I WAS JUST BORN WITH IT.
AND, UH, THE WOMAN?
WELL, UH, SUPPOSEDLY,
SHE KEPT ON WALKING.
SHE WAS LATE FOR A
DENTAL APPOINTMENT.
THANK YOU.
ALL RIGHT, MR. KELSO.
HAVE A SEAT OVER HERE.
SERGEANT HARRIS WILL
TAKE YOUR STATEMENT.
CAPTAIN, WE GOT A
DISTURBANCE ON SIXTH AVENUE.
Barney: UH, YOU AND LEVITT.
ALL RIGHT, MR. POLLOCK.
I'M AFRAID SERGEANT
WOJCIEHOWICZ IS...
I KNOW... HE'S GOING TO BOOK ME.
WHICH DESK?
THERE CAN'T BE TWO OF YOU.
- OKAY...
- OCTOBER 15th, 1946.
- UH...
- HARRISBURG, PENNSYLVANIA.
I CAN'T HELP IT.
SURE.
I KNOW THAT IT'S
HARD FOR SOMEBODY
WHO DOESN'T HAVE THE
GIFT TO UNDERSTAND IT.
YEAH, YEAH.
LET ME GIVE YOU AN EXAMPLE.
IT'S LIKE... IT'S LIKE
THE COMMERCIAL,
YOU KNOW, WITH THE GUY
AND THE GIRL IN THE ELEVATOR,
AND THE GIRL IS THINKING,
"CUTE GUY. WONDER WHY HE
KEEPS SCRATCHING HIS HEAD?
MAYBE HE'S GOT DANDRUFF."
YEAH, YEAH.
WELL, I HEAR THAT.
UH...
LET'S GET FINISHED WITH
THE REPORT, ALL RIGHT?
ALL RIGHT.
YOU CAN GO FIRST, IF YOU LIKE.
03432-1878.
SORRY.
I'M TELLING YOU, THIS IS
DESTROYING OUR CIVILIZATION!
ALL RIGHT. MOVE IT INSIDE.
MOVE WHAT?
JUST GET IN THERE.
CAPTAIN, THIS IS RONALD HANNA...
DISORDERLY CONDUCT AND
DESTRUCTION OF PRIVATE PROPERTY.
HE WAS RIDING ON A BUS
AND RIPPED DOWN THAT AD.
"AUNT SALLY'S
KOSHER-STYLE PICKLES."
FOR TWO YEARS, I'VE BEEN STARING
AT THAT TRAVESTY OF
THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE.
READ IT.
"AUNT SALLY SAYS, 'MY PICKLES
ARE THE TONGUE-TEASINGEST,
THE LIP-SMACKINGEST, AND
THE CRUN-CRUN-CRUNCHIEST.'"
I WANT HER ARRESTED.
MR. HANNA'S A PROFESSOR OF
LINGUISTICS AND ENGLISH AT NYU.
OH.
THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE
IS ONE OF THE MOST BEAUTIFUL
AND EXPRESSIVE OF ALL TONGUES.
BUT IT'S BEING CORRUPTED AND
DEBASED BY ITS CHRONIC MISUSE.
MANUFACTURED LINGO, LIKE THAT...
DULL-WITTED CLICHéS,
REDUNDANCIES,
MINDLESS PHRASEOLOGY.
"SAVE UP TO 50% AND MORE!"
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
I REALLY DON'T KNOW,
MR. HANNA, BUT...
CAPTAIN, IT'S NOT JUST A MATTER
OF A STUPID PICKLE SLOGAN.
THE MANIPULATION OF LANGUAGE
IS ONE OF THE PRIMARY METHODS
USED BY THOSE IN POWER TO
CONFUSE AND DIVERT THE PUBLIC.
A FALSE STATEMENT ISN'T A LIE.
IT'S SIMPLY "NO
LONGER OPERATIVE."
"WAR" BECOMES "PACIFICATION."
AND "BOMBING"...
"THE VERTICAL DEPLOYMENT
OF ANTIPERSONNEL DEVICES."
WELL, YOU GOT SOME VALID
POINTS THERE, PROFESSOR.
BUT I'M AFRAID WE'RE GONNA
HAVE TO BOOK YOU ANYWAY.
BUT I HAVE A SEMINAR AT 3:00.
HOPEFULLY, YOU'LL BE
OUT OF HERE BY THEN.
- "HOPEFULLY"?
- I CAN'T GUARANTEE IT.
"HOPEFULLY" MEANS "WITH
HOPE," CAPTAIN, NOT "I HOPE."
DID YOU MEAN THAT I WILL
BE OUT OF HERE WITH HOPE?
NO! YOU MEANT THAT YOU
HOPE THAT I WILL BE OUT OF HERE!
RIGHT. I HOPE SO.
I'M SORRY IF I WAS A BIT SHARP.
BUT A TINY MISTAKE LIKE THAT,
WELL, IT MAKES
ME A LITTLE CRAZY.
IRREGARDLESS, WANT TO
HAVE A SEAT OVER THERE?
CAPTAIN, SHOULD I PUT A
WARRANT OUT FOR AUNT SALLY?
HUH?
DID YOU EVER TASTE HER PICKLES?
IF YOU NEED ME,
I'LL BE DOWNSTAIRS...
SITTING QUIETLY.
THIS DAY HAS BEEN A NIGHTMARE.
FIRST, I WAS WALKING DOWN
6th AVENUE THIS MORNING.
A SIGN IN A BANK WINDOW
WAS OFFERING FREE GIFTS.
WHAT OTHER KIND
OF GIFTS ARE THERE?
ADDRESS?
514 EAST 25th STREET.
THEN WHEN I WENT TO LUNCH,
DO YOU KNOW WHAT
THE SPECIALS WERE?
STEAK O' BOB AND FILET O' FISH.
I AGREE WITH YOU,
THAT LANGUAGE HAS
DETERIORATED SHARPLY
IN RECENT YEARS,
BUT LET'S GET THROUGH WITH THIS.
CERTAINLY.
NEXT O' KIN?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN, EGGS
HAVE DROPPED 11 CENTS?
I THOUGHT THEY WERE
THE PERFECT FOOD!
NAH, DON'T SELL ME OUT.
LISTEN, IF YOU NEED MORE
CASH TO COVER THE MARGIN,
JUST GIVE ME A CALL BACK, OKAY?
YEAH.
I NEVER EAT EGGS.
YOU KNOW, IT'S PEOPLE LIKE YOU
WHO ARE WREAKING
HAVOC WITH THIS ECONOMY.
HEY, BARN?
YEAH?
I CHECKED POLLOCK
HERE FOR PRIORS.
HE'S CLEAN.
BUT AT THE SAME
TIME, I CHECKED KELSO.
13 PREVIOUS ARRESTS...
9 OF THEM FOR PURSE SNATCHING.
IS THAT RELEVANT?
I'M TELLING YOU,
HE ATTACKED ME...
FOR NO REASON!
WELL, IF HE DID, HE SURE
PICKED THE RIGHT GUY.
UH, WHO IS THE VICTIM
HERE... HIM OR ME?
I'M NOT SO SURE.
YOU SIGN THAT COMPLAINT YET?
OH, I HAVEN'T DECIDED YET.
WHEN I DO, YOU'LL BE
THE FIRST TO KNOW...
PROBABLY.
I'M GONNA GO OUT TO LUNCH TODAY.
OKAY.
NO, YOU'RE NOT.
EXCUSE ME?
I FEEL THAT SOMETHING'S
GONNA STOP YOU.
I SENSE A GLOOMY,
OVERBEARING PRESENCE NEARBY.
MR. POLLOCK, I...
AFTERNOON, MEN!
INSPECTOR LUGER. WHAT
A PLEASANT SURPRISE.
OF COURSE IT IS, HAR!
- BARNEY.
- INSPECTOR.
- WOJO.
- HOW YOU DOING, INSPECTOR?
GOD BLESS POLAND.
THANK YOU, INSPECTOR.
WHAT BRINGS YOU DOWN, INSPECTOR?
WELL, I GOT A FEW THINGS HERE
I'D LIKE TO GO OVER
WITH YOU, BARN,
YOU KNOW, IN MY CAPACITY
AS MEDIA LIAISON OFFICER.
I'M REALLY SORRY, INSPECTOR.
BUT I WAS... I WAS JUST
HEADING OUT FOR LUNCH.
HMM. AHH. OKAY. GOOD DEAL.
NO REASON WHY WE CAN'T
GO THROUGH THIS STUFF
OVER SOME CHOW, HUH?
WHAT DO YOU SAY WE ANKLE UP TO
THE OYSTER BAR IN GRAND CENTRAL?
UH, MAYBE IT WOULD BE BETTER
TO, UH, DO IT IN MY OFFICE.
HEY, WHATEVER YOU SAY, BARN.
ONLY YOU ALREADY HAD
ME SLURPING THEM OYSTERS.
BARN, ROBBERY IN PROGRESS...
A LIQUOR STORE ON BLEECKER.
ALL RIGHT. UH, YOU AND HARRIS.
HERE, HERE, HERE, HERE.
NO! DON'T GO!
WE GOT TO.
NO, NO, NOT YOU.
HIM!
DON'T GO OUT!
WHY NOT, MR. POLLOCK?
I DON'T KNOW,
BUT SOMETHING TERRIBLE
IS GOING TO HAPPEN.
YOU KNOW THIS MAN IS
SERIOUSLY DISTURBED?
YOU STILL WANT TO GO?
YEAH. SURE.
IT'S BEEN FUN.
INSPECTOR.
FORGOT ALL ABOUT THE
OLD INSPECTOR, HUH, BARN?
NO. AS A MATTER OF FACT...
SITTING HERE, ALL
ALONE, 20 MINUTES...
NOTHING TO DO
BUT STARE AT AN EMPTY
BOTTLE OF AFTERSHAVE LOTION.
AS A MATTER OF FACT,
I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND PICKED
US UP A COUPLE OF SANDWICHES.
OH. GOOD THINKING, BARN.
THEY'RE OUT OF THE MACHINE,
BUT... WHAT HAVE WE GOT?
WELL, THERE'S EGG
SALAD OR OLIVE LOAF.
AH. THEY FINALLY SOLD IT, HUH?
THANKS, BARN.
SO... WHAT WERE
YOU ARRESTED FOR?
PREVENTING A MUGGING.
OOH.
HOW ABOUT YOU?
DEFENDING THE INTEGRITY
OF THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE.
DOESN'T SEEM QUITE FAIR.
UNFORTUNATELY, IT'S OFTEN
THE VERY PEOPLE WHO ARE
TRYING TO PRESERVE THE SOCIETY
WHO ARE THE FIRST TO
BE PERSECUTED BY IT.
AIN'T IT THE TRUTH?
IT WAS NICE TALKING TO YOU.
SO...
EVERY WEEK, BARN, I GOT TO
HAND OUT THESE NEWS RELEASES
TO THE GENTLEMEN OF
THE PRESS, YOU KNOW?
KEEP THEM UP-TO-DATE ON THE
WORKINGS OF THE DEPARTMENT,
AS IF IT'S ANY OF
THEIR BUSINESS.
HUH?
YEAH.
BUT IT AIN'T EASY, BARNEY.
YOU KNOW, I'M SUPPOSED TO
SUMMARIZE ALL THE DECISIONS
THAT COME DOWN
FROM THE REVIEW BOARD,
LIKE, UH... OH, FORGET IT.
OH, YEAH. YEAH. HERE IT IS.
YEAH, THIS ROTTEN APPLE
FROM THE 2nd PRECINCT, BARN.
BEEN ON THE FORCE 25 YEARS.
ALL THIS TIME, HE'S
TAKING KICKBACKS,
SHAKING DOWN THE
LOCAL MERCHANTS.
THE REVIEW BOARD NAILS HIM
WITH 64 SEPARATE
COUNTS OF "MISCONDUCT."
I THOUGHT I'D JUST
SUM IT ALL UP BY SAYING,
"POLICE OFFICER RETIRES."
PRETTY MUCH SAYS
IT ALL, HUH, BARN?
PRETTY MUCH.
YEAH.
OH. OH. AND HERE'S
A DOOZY, BARNEY.
THIS IS ABOUT THE
DEPARTMENTAL ALLOCATION
ABOUT WHO'S GONNA GET THE
BULLETPROOF VESTS, YOU KNOW?
IT ALMOST SOUNDS LIKE
THE DEPARTMENT'S PLAYING
FAVORITES OR SOMETHING.
INSPECTOR, UH... DIDN'T
YOU SAY SOMETHING
ABOUT WANTING TO
DISCUSS SOMETHING WITH ME?
RIGHT.
CONCERNING ME?
OH, NO. NO, NO, NOT
CONCERNING YOU, BARN.
YOU NEVER GIVE ME ANY PROBLEMS.
IT'S JUST THAT I THOUGHT
MAYBE YOU WOULDN'T MIND
GIVING ME A LITTLE
HAND WITH THIS STUFF...
YOU KNOW, TRY TO
MAKE IT SOUND GOOD.
AW, INSPECTOR.
REALLY, THAT KIND OF WRITING
SHOULD REALLY BE
DONE BY ONE PERSON.
STYLES, YOU KNOW.
YEAH. RIGHT, BARNEY.
ALL RIGHT. I'LL BE BACK
WHEN YOU'RE FINISHED.
I'M JUST KIDDING, BARN.
HERE. COME ON. I'LL HELP YOU.
LEFTY?
CAN I HELP YOU?
I'M ROGER JOYCE,
MARKETING DIRECTOR
OF AUNT SALLY'S
KOSHER-STYLE PICKLES.
OH. WE WERE
EXPECTING AUNT SALLY.
SHE DOESN'T GET OUT A LOT.
BARN?
I NEED ANOTHER WORD
HERE FOR "EXTORTION"...
YOU KNOW, SOMETHING THAT
DON'T SOUND SO NEGATIVE.
YES?
UH, EXCUSE THE INTERRUPTION.
MR. JOYCE OF AUNT SALLY'S
IS HERE. YOU WANT TO...
YES. YES.
UH, INSPECTOR,
EXCUSE ME. I'VE GOT TO...
OH, SURE. OKAY, BARNEY.
GO AHEAD. I'LL BE RIGHT HERE.
UH, MR. JOYCE,
I'M CAPTAIN MILLER.
I WAS IN AUNT SALLY'S KITCHEN
WHEN I HEARD ABOUT THIS.
AND I'M STILL
THOROUGHLY CONFUSED
AS TO WHY ANYONE WOULD
TAKE SUCH A VIOLENT ACTION
AGAINST OUR PRODUCT.
YOU CAN'T SAY THINGS LIKE THAT!
APPARENTLY, MR. HANNA
TOOK EXCEPTION
TO SOME OF YOUR
ADVERTISING COPY.
BUT IT'S ALL TRUE.
OUR PICKLES ARE THE
TONGUE-TEASINGEST,
LIP-SMACKINGEST,
CRUN-CRUN-CRUNCHIEST.
WE COULDN'T SAY
IT IF IT WASN'T SO.
UH, I DON'T THINK THAT'S
WHAT MR. HANNA HAD IN MIND.
INDEPENDENTLY CONDUCTED
TESTS AND SURVEYS
HAVE PROVEN CONCLUSIVELY
THAT WHEN IT COMES TO FLAVOR,
TEXTURE, AND CRUNCHABILITY,
NO OTHER PICKLE COMES
CLOSE TO AUNT SALLY'S.
I TAKE IT AUNT SALLY
IS PRESSING CHARGES?
YES, SHE IS.
THIS WAY.
UH, BEFORE WE
PROCEED ANY FURTHER,
I-I THINK I SHOULD TELL
YOU THAT, IN REALITY...
there is no Aunt Sally.
OH?
WE MADE HER UP.
I SEE.
THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH
THAT. IT'S COMMON INDUSTRY PRACTICE.
UM, IT ADDS A HOMEY,
PERSONAL TOUCH
THAT MOST PEOPLE
SEEM TO FALL FOR.
HAVE A SEAT OVER THERE.
THERE'S NO SERGIO
VALENTE, EITHER.
I JUST TALKED TO HIM YESTERDAY.
NO PACING.
I'M SORRY, BUT I CAN'T HELP IT.
I'M TRYING TO WORK
OFF MY PSYCHIC ENERGY.
DO IT SITTING DOWN.
IT'S JUST THAT SOMETIMES
THE THOUGHTS AND
THE PREMONITIONS
START COMING SO FAST,
WORKING INTO MY HEAD.
OH, MY GOD.
WHAT'S THE MATTER?
SOMETHING'S COMING.
SOMETHING GOOD?
AN EARTHQUAKE...
ROADS BUCKLING...
BUILDINGS IN RUBBLE,
PEOPLE RUNNING, SCREAMING!
HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN IN IOWA?!
TAKE IT EASY.
I SEE HEADLINES.
NUMBERS GOING
UP... 21, 23, 27...
PRIME RATE.
32, 36, OVER 40 BILLION SERVED!
OR PRIME MEAT.
WARS! ECONOMIC COLLAPSE!
PEOPLE RIOTING FOR FOOD!
OH, MY GOD, THEY'VE
CANCELED "LOU GRANT."
I SEE SERGEANT
HARRIS... IN TROUBLE.
HE'S IN DANGER.
HE'S GOING DOWN!
HE'S FALLING!
PLUMMETING!
TELEPHONE.
THE IMAGES ARE SCRAMBLING.
I-I CAN'T TELL WHAT IT IS.
SOMETHING'S COMING!
YOU'RE JUST... OHH...
FOR GOD'S SAKE,
SOMEBODY HELP HIM!
MR. POLLOCK,
JUST... JUST SIT DOWN.
I SENSE RESENTMENT IN THE ROOM!
FRUSTRATION!
OLIVE LOAF!
LUGER?!
LUGER!
UH... DO YOUR OWN DAMN WORK!
NOW, CUT THAT OUT,
MR. POLLOCK! YOU JUST CUT IT OUT!
SIT DOWN BEFORE YOU
EMBARRASS YOURSELF FURTHER!
I'M SORRY.
LOOK WHO'S BACK.
YOU'RE ALL RIGHT!
I'M SORRY.
GET INSIDE, GUINNESS.
WELL, THAT SOUNDS REASONABLE.
WHAT DO YOU GOT?
WELL, THIS IS, UH,
JOHN GUINNESS.
TRIED TO HOLD UP
A DODDS LIQUORS.
WHEN WE GOT THERE,
HE WAS STILL WAITING FOR
THE CLERK TO OPEN THE SAFE.
I'M STANDING THERE, I MEAN,
WITH THIS TINY LITTLE GUN.
IT'S NO BIGGER THAN NANCY'S.
AND THIS GUY COMES CHARGING
IN THERE WITH A .38 SPECIAL,
AND HE YELLS, "FREEZE IT, HONKY,
OR I'LL BLOW YOU TO MILWAUKEE."
ALMOST RHYMES.
THEN I DROP IT, AND
HE GIVES ME A BIG HUG!
GO AHEAD, WOJO. BOOK HIM.
SIT DOWN OVER HERE.
COME ON.
HEY, EARL. WHAT
ARE YOU DOING HERE?
YOU SNATCH ANOTHER PURSE?
MR. KELSO, HAVE YOU
MADE YOUR MIND UP YET?
OH, YEAH.
FORGET IT.
OH? YOU'RE NOT PRESSING CHARGES?
I THINK HE'S SUFFERED
ENOUGH, DON'T YOU?
IT'S UP TO YOU.
THEN YOU'RE RELEASING ME?
YOU'RE NOT UNDER ARREST.
OH.
RIGHT.
I'M, UH, GONNA GIVE YOU
A BREAK, MR. MIND READER.
HOPE YOU APPRECIATE IT.
THANK YOU.
SURE.
HEY, KELSO!
YEAH?
FORGET ABOUT THE JEWELRY
STORE ON LEXINGTON.
GET OUT OF THERE!
ALL RIGHT, YOU CAN
TURN POLLOCK LOOSE.
I'VE SIGNED THE COMPLAINT.
APPRECIATE YOU COMING DOWN.
OH, RON, YOUR
BROKER JUST CALLED.
CALLED EARLIER, TOO.
UH, THANKS.
YOU KNOW, I'LL BET YOU
JUST GOT HOLD OF A BAD JAR.
I NEVER HAD YOUR PICKLES.
BUT, THEN, HOW
CAN YOU CRITICIZE?
I MEAN, IF YOU'VE NEVER
ENJOYED THE OLD-FASHIONED,
DOWN-HOME GOODNESS
OF AUNT SALLY...
MR. JOYCE, I'M NOT TALKING
ABOUT THE PICKLES, PER SE.
I'M TALKING ABOUT THE WORDS
YOU USE TO DESCRIBE THEM...
"TONGUE-TEASINGEST,
LIP-SMACKINGEST,
CRUN-CRUN-CRUNCHIEST."
I'M SURPRISED YOU DON'T
SAY "KO-KO-KOSHEREST."
MR. JOYCE, I REALLY BELIEVE
IF YOU'LL JUST SAY
WHAT YOU WANT TO SAY
WITH SIMPLICITY AND
PURITY AND PRECISION,
YOU'LL SELL A LOT MORE PICKLES.
"KO-KO-KOSHEREST."
P-PLEASE!
"KO-KO-KOSHEREST."
KO-KO... KOSHERIFIC.
WHAT?
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
LOOK, I HAD TO GO ON A CALL.
COULDN'T YOU HAVE
COVERED IT YOURSELF?
I UNDERSTAND.
THESE THINGS DO HAPPEN.
RIGHT.
MY EGGS.
I LOST ALL MY EGGS.
I'M SORRY.
MY BROKER NEEDED MORE
MONEY TO COVER THE MARGIN.
HE COULDN'T GET A HOLD
OF ME, SO HE DUMPED THEM,
AND I LOST $2,100.
I TOLD YOU NOT TO GO.
"I TOLD YOU NOT TO GO."
WELL, BARN, I THINK I'LL BE
HEADING ALONG BACK DOWNTOWN.
UH, WELL, WE DIDN'T
FINISH, INSPECTOR, DID WE?
NO, NO, BUT THAT'S OKAY, BARNEY.
I'LL POLISH THEM OFF BY
MYSELF, MAYBE ON THE SUBWAY.
WHATEVER YOU SAY, INSPECTOR.
JUNE 1, 1984.
DOESN'T THAT DATE MEAN
ANYTHING TO YOU, BARN?
NO.
THAT'S WHEN THEY PUT ME
OUT TO PASTURE... RETIRE.
I SEE.
AFTER THAT, THE OLD INSPECTOR
WON'T BE COMING DOWN ANYMORE,
TELLING YOU THE OLD STORIES,
CHEWING OFF YOUR EAR
HALF THE DAY AT A TIME.
I'LL BE ABLE TO BE
HERE THE WHOLE DAY.
LOOKING FORWARD TO IT, BARN.
TOODLE-OO.
HOW COME NO ONE TOLD
ME ABOUT THE VARIETY SHOW?