Barney Miller (1975–1982): Season 5, Episode 4 - Dog Days - full transcript

Wojo is bitten by a German Shepherd that may be rabid. The Millers prepare for their impending separation.

GOOD MORNING, GENTLEMEN.

THERE HE IS.

ON TIME, I BELIEVE.

GOOD MORNING, BARNEY.

SORRY I'M LATE.

IT'S REALLY TOO CLOSE TO CALL.

YOU'RE LOOKING VERY WELL.

THANK YOU.

YOU'RE LOOKING, UH... THE SAME.

THANK YOU.

EXCUSE ME. I THINK
I NEED SOME HELP.



OH, YOU CAN HAVE IT. HOW
MUCH WOULD YOU LIKE?

I'M SORRY?

OH, UH

LOOK, I'M DETECTIVE
SERGEANT R.N. HARRIS.

HOW CAN I HELP YOU?

MY NAME IS SLADE. CAROLYN SLADE.

CAN I, UM...

GET YOU A CUP OF COFFEE,
OR TEA IF YOU PREFER?

I THINK I HAVE A MISSING PERSON.

AH. WHO MIGHT THAT BE?

MR. MARVIN SLADE.

YOUR FATHER?

MY HUSBAND.

OH, THAT MARVIN SLADE.



PROBLEM, HARRIS?

SHE'S GOT A HUSBAND.

- I BEG YOUR PARDON?
- HE'S MISSING.

I SEE.

THREE DAYS AGO, HE
WENT TO THE STORE

FOR A PACK OF CIGARETTES.

I SEE. I'M CAPTAIN
MILLER, MRS., UH...

SLADE.

CAROLYN.

THANK YOU.

YOU'RE VERY WELCOME.

UM...

SERGEANT HARRIS WILL TAKE
ALL THE INFORMATION, MRS. SLADE,

AND WE'LL DO OUR BEST
TO FIND YOUR HUSBAND.

WON'T WE, SERGEANT HARRIS?

HMM? OH, UH, YEAH.

YEAH, BARNEY. PLEASE...
WON'T YOU HAVE A SEAT?

THANK YOU.

PLEASE. DON'T MENTION IT.

SOUNDS LIKE A RUNAWAY HUSBAND.

THAT'S EXACTLY
WHAT IT SOUNDS LIKE.

I HAD A CAT THAT RAN
AWAY FROM ME ONCE.

HARDLY THE SAME THING, NICK.

BUT IT STILL HURTS TO THINK
THAT IT WASN'T HAPPY WITH ME.

CATS ARE LIKE THAT.

I PREFER TO THINK
THAT IT WAS RUN OVER.

IT'S EASIER THAT WAY.

12th PRECINCT. WOJCIEHOWICZ.

NO KIDDING?

WHERE?

YEAH.

I GOT IT. YEAH.

SOMEBODY'S CONDUCTING DOGFIGHTS

IN A WAREHOUSE OVER ON 10th.

DOGFIGHTS? HOW HUMANE.

ALL RIGHT, YOU AND NICK.

DOGFIGHTS?

WHATEVER HAPPENED
TO BAND CONCERTS

AND PICNICS IN THE PARK?

WATCHING ANIMALS FIGHT
HAS BEEN A FAVORITE PASTIME

SINCE THE DAYS OF
ANCIENT GREECE AND ROME.

I'M AWARE OF THAT, DIETRICH.

TENS OF THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE
WOULD FILL HUGE COLISEUMS

AND WATCH EXOTIC ANIMALS
RIP EACH OTHER APART

IN A CRUEL CONTEST.

SO THAT'S HOW
DOGFIGHTING GOT STARTED?

AND THE NFL.

OH, UH, BARN, LIZ CALLED.

LIZ CALLED? WHEN?

JUST BEFORE YOU CAME IN.

YOU DIDN'T TELL ME?

WELL, JUST NOW.

SHE LEAVE A NUMBER WHERE
SHE WAS CALLING FROM?

I THOUGHT SHE WAS AT HOME.

UH, NO. SHE'S, UH...

SHE'S ON VACATION, SORT OF.

OH.

WELL, SHE SAID SHE'D CALL BACK.

OKAY, THANKS.

SORRY.

NO, IT'S ALL RIGHT.

OKAY.

SOMETIMES SEPARATE VACATIONS
CAN BE A HEALTHY THING.

OF COURSE YOU LOSE A
DOUBLE OCCUPANCY RATE.

IT'S JUST THAT IT'S
SO INCONSIDERATE

JUST TO GO AND
WALK OFF LIKE THAT.

I WAS FURIOUS!

AND THEN I THOUGHT IT
WAS MY FAULT, AS WELL.

LOOK, YOU'VE BEEN
VERY UNDERSTANDING.

THANK YOU.

I'VE NEVER BEEN ATTRACTED
TO UNDERSTANDING MEN.

OH.

I'VE ALWAYS BEEN
ATTRACTED TO THE BRUTE.

I GUESS IT MUST BE SOME
WEIRD NEED IN ME TO BE NEEDED.

SIMPATICO WITH
THE PATHETIC, HUH?

PERFECT PHRASE.

THANK YOU.

ISN'T THAT FROM ANNIE HALL?

NO, THAT'S AN ORIGINAL THOUGHT.

OF COURSE.

JUST SHOWS YOU THE DIFFERENCE
A GOOD AGENT CAN MAKE.

DO YOU HAVE ANY
IDEA WHERE SHE WENT?

WELL, PERHAPS YOU SAW HER LEAVE.

SHE'S A WOMAN
WITH TWO CHILDREN...

A GIRL 21, A BOY 12.

YES, THAT'S RIGHT.

SLIM LITTLE BLONDE WITH
AN INTERESTING FIGURE.

THAT'S HER.

TELL HER HER HUSBAND CALLED.

CAPTAIN BARNEY MILLER.

NEW YORK CITY POLICE DEPARTMENT.

THANK YOU.

UH, BARNEY.

UM, I GOT ALL THE
INFORMATION FROM MRS. SLADE.

I'M GONNA START CHECKING OUT

SOME POSSIBLE
WHEREABOUTS ON THE HUSBAND.

OKAY.

BUT IT LOOKS LIKE A CASE
OF MASCULINE EGO TANTRUMS.

MAYBE.

WHAT GETS INTO SOME MEN, BARNEY?

I MEAN, LOOK AT HER.

LOVELY.

FAITHFUL, WARM, COMPASSIONATE.

UH, HARRIS, LET'S NOT
MAKE ANY JUDGMENTS.

THERE ARE TWO
SIDES TO EVERY STORY.

ESPECIALLY IN A MARRIAGE.

BUT IT'S OBVIOUS, BARNEY.

I MEAN, ONE PERSON
DOES ALL THE GIVING,

AND ONE DOES ALL THE TAKING.

LET'S NOT OVERSIMPLIFY, HARRIS.

I MEAN, THERE
COULD BE ANY NUMBER

OF EXTENUATING CIRCUMSTANCES.

YEAH, WELL, BUT, I MEAN...

SOMETIMES EVEN THE
MOST OBJECTIVE VIEW

ONLY REVEALS THE
TIP OF THE ICEBERG.

OH.

IT'S THE MOUSTACHE.

IS IT CROOKED?

NO, NO, NO.

I JUST FORGOT THAT
YOU HAD SHAVED IT OFF.

WHAT IS THAT... A TOUPEE?

BARNEY, IT'S FOR COMFORT.

I MEAN, IT'S NOT VANITY.

OF COURSE. OF COURSE.

COME ON IN HERE.

THIS IS RIDICULOUS!

CRIME IS RAMPANT IN THE STREETS,

AND YOU GUYS GO AROUND,
BUSTING UP ATHLETIC EVENTS.

HEY, BE A SPORT.

WHAT DO WE GOT, NICK?

THIS IS JOSEPH LASORDA.

HE OWNS ONE OF
THE FIGHTING DOGS.

THAT'S RIGHT.

JUST LIKE SOME GUYS OWN
RACEHORSES OR BASEBALL TEAMS.

HOLD IT. WHERE'S WOJO?

HE'S SEARCHING THE
NEIGHBORHOOD WITH SOME UNIFORMS.

HE'S THE ONLY ONE WE GOT.

THERE'S DOGS AND
PEOPLE ALL OVER THE PLACE.

WHAT SORT OF LAW
MAKES IT ILLEGAL

TO PUT ON SPORTING EVENTS?

PITTING TWO HELPLESS
ANIMALS AGAINST EACH OTHER

CAN HARDLY BE DESCRIBED
AS THE AMERICAN CONCEPT

OF GOOD SPORTSMANSHIP.

OH, YEAH, LIKE DUCK HUNTING...

SOME GUY TRYING TO BLOW AWAY
LITTLE BIRDIES WITH A SHOTGUN.

MR. LASORDA, I HAVE NO INTENTION

OF DISCUSSING THE
MORALITY OF THE LAW.

I JUST ENFORCE IT.

THIS WAY, MR. LASORDA.

DO YOU ARREST PRIZEFIGHTERS?

TWO HUMAN BEINGS TRYING TO
KNOCK EACH OTHER SENSELESS?

YOU GOT A POINT.

DOGFIGHTING'S NO DIFFERENT.

ONLY SMALLER TRUNKS.

- RIGHT?
- WHAT?

HAVE A SEAT.

WHAT IF YOU CAN'T FIND HIM?

WHY DON'T WE JUST CROSS
THAT BRIDGE WHEN WE COME TO IT?

WE?

I'M SPEAKING EDITORIALLY.

HARRIS?

BARNEY?

"WE" BETTER BE CAREFUL.

WE'RE TRYING,
BARNEY. WE REALLY ARE.

AGE?

49.

THAT WOULD MAKE YOU ABOUT, UH...

7 IN DOG YEARS, RIGHT?

BARN, I GOT BIT.

WHAT? BIT?

I WAS CHASING ONE OF THE
DOGS OUT OF THE WAREHOUSE,

AND I GOT HIM CORNERED,
AND THEN HE BIT ME.

YOU KNOW THE ONE
I'M TALKING ABOUT?

HE'S A BIG GERMAN SHEPHERD.

HE'S GOT A BLACK
MARK ON HIS HEAD.

YEAH, THAT'S MAX. THAT'S MY DOG.

WELL, WHERE THE HELL IS HE?!

TAKE IT EASY, TAKE IT EASY.

BARN, WE DIDN'T GET
THE DOG. HE GOT AWAY.

YEAH, BUT WE GOT THE HEAD MAN.

THE DOG ONLY WORKS FOR HIM.

YOU KNOW WHAT I
GOT TO GO THROUGH

IF WE DON'T CATCH THAT DOG?

THE PASTEUR TREATMENT

CONSISTS OF 14
VACCINE INJECTIONS

PLACED DIRECTLY IN
THE INTRAMUSCULAR AREA

OF THE STOMACH.

ONE A DAY FOR TWO WEEKS.

IT'S NOT VERY PLEASANT.

DIETRICH, WAS THAT NECESSARY?

I KNOW. BAD NEWS, SO
KILL THE MESSENGER.

I, UH, I GOT TO GET DOWN
TO THE POUND, BARN,

AND SEE IF I CAN FIND THAT DOG.

JUST TAKE IT EASY, WOJO.

I'M SURE THE DOG
IS GONNA BE FOUND.

YEAH?

SURE.

HOW MANY SHEPHERDS
NAMED MAX COULD THERE BE

IN NEW YORK CITY?

YOU KNOW, MY DOG,

HE COULD'VE BEEN A CONTENDER.

WHAT HAPPENED?

SAME OLD STORY, I GUESS.

YOU WIN A FEW
FIGHTS. YOU GET COCKY.

YOU KNOW, YOU DON'T TRAIN.
RUN WITH THE WRONG CROWD.

ALL OF A SUDDEN, SOME
FLASHY DOBERMAN COMES ALONG.

I'VE SEEN IT BEFORE.

BREAKS YOUR HEART, DON'T IT?

12th PRECINCT. YEMANA.

OH, HI, LIZ.

HE'S DOWNSTAIRS SOMEWHERE.

YEAH.

WAIT A MINUTE.

NO, IT'S NOT HIM.

YEAH. HE WILL.

GOODBYE, LIZ.

HEY, MAX!

HEY, MAX.

THAT'S MAX, MY DOG.

HE MUST'VE FOLLOWED
THE SQUAD CAR HERE.

WHAT'S HE DOING HERE?

W-W-W-WHAT DOES HE WANT?

HE WANTS ME OUT OF THIS CELL.

DID YOU TELL HIM ABOUT
THE BAIL AND STUFF LIKE THAT?

JUST OPEN THIS DOOR
AND LET ME OUT OF HERE,

AND WE'LL FORGET
THE WHOLE THING.

C-CAN'T DO THAT.

DON'T BE A HERO.

IF HE THINKS I'M IN
TROUBLE, HE'LL KILL.

OH, MY GOD.

OKAY. TAKE IT EASY.

TAKE IT EASY, MAX.

SEE? I GOT THE KEY HERE.

MAX, I'M GOING TO THE CAGE.

TAKE IT EASY.

SEE, I GOT THE KEY IN THE LOCK.

I'M GONNA LET HIM
OUT, OKAY? OKAY.

SEE?

HE DIDN'T USE HIS HEAD.

EVERYTHING'S SEALED OFF.

NOBODY'S SEEN HIM LEAVE.

HE'S PROBABLY
STILL IN THE BUILDING.

DID HE COME UP HERE?
HAS ANYBODY SEEN HIM?

HE'S IN THE BUILDING. WE
JUST HAVEN'T CAUGHT HIM YET.

WE GOT TO GET HIM
CHECKED OUT, BARNEY.

I'M STARTING TO FEEL
PECULIAR ALREADY.

WOJO, I'M REASONABLY CERTAIN

THAT IT'S JUST YOUR IMAGINATION.

OH, MY, YES.

THE INCUBATION PERIOD FOR RABIES

IS 10 DAYS TO TWO WEEKS.

IT'S HIGHLY UNLIKELY YOU'D
FEEL ANY REACTION AT THIS STAGE.

- DON'T TELL ME WHAT I FEEL.
- WOJO.

- I KNOW WHAT I FEEL.
- WOJO.

COME ON. MAX AIN'T
GOT THE RABIES.

HOW DO YOU KNOW?

'CAUSE HE'S PROBABLY
GIVEN THE DOG HIS SHOTS.

WHAT SHOTS?

HIS RABIES SHOTS.

DIDN'T YOU GET YOUR DOG
HIS ANNUAL RABIES SHOT,

AS REQUIRED BY LAW?

OH, THOSE.

I SKIPPED A FEW YEARS.
IT THREW HIS TIMING.

OH, GOD.

YOU ARE MR., UH...
MORRIS, THE DOGCATCHER.

THE TITLE IS HUMANE TECHNICIAN.

PBHT!

MR. MORRIS, I'M CAPTAIN MILLER.

CAPTAIN, IT'S NICE TO MEET YOU.

WELL, SURE, IT'S NICE
TO MEET EVERYBODY.

I MEAN, WHY DON'T
WE JUST SIT AROUND

AND HAVE SOME TEA, HUH?

WE ALL START WATCHING ME
START FROTHING AT THE MOUTH!

FUNNY.

WOJO, COME HERE. SIT DOWN.

GENTLEMEN.

ANY LUCK ON THE HUSBAND?

NOPE. I FOUND HIM.

CHECKED INTO A HOTEL ON CANAL.

CONGRATULATIONS.

MM-HMM, AND HE'S NOT ALONE.

GOT A CHICK WITH HIM.

I SEE.

HARRIS, IF THAT THING BUGS YOU,

WHY DON'T YOU TAKE IT OFF?

MNH-MNH. CAROLYN LIKES IT.

CAROLYN?

MRS. SLADE.

HARRIS, YOU'RE NOT, UH,
GETTING INVOLVED, ARE YOU?

OH, NO, BARNEY, BUT, HEY, LOOK.

THE WOMAN'S ENTITLED
TO SOME ILLUSIONS.

BARNEY.

SOMEBODY UP HERE
LOOKING FOR A DOG?

OH, MY GOD.

MAX!

ALL RIGHT. J-JUST
HOLD ON, LEVITT.

JUST... NOBODY GET EXCITED.
EVERYBODY, TAKE IT EASY.

WELL, WHAT'S GOING ON?

WHAT?

LEVITT, JUST... JUST
HOLD ONTO THE DOG.

THE DOG'S ALREADY
BITTEN ONE PERSON.

I DON'T WANT TO SEE
ANY MORE ACCIDENTS.

IT'S A BITING DOG?

NOT NECESSARILY,
NOT NECESSARILY.

JUST DON'T DO ANYTHING
TO FRIGHTEN THE DOG.

HANG ON TO THE DOG!

I'M HOLDING, I'M
HOLDING, I'M HOLDING.

MR. MORRIS, WHAT DO YOU SUGGEST?

GET THE OWNER TO
CALL OFF THE DOG.

OKAY, MR. LASORDA...

IS THAT THE DOG'S NAME, SIR?

MR. LASORDA, WILL YOU
PLEASE CALL OFF THE DOG?

WHY?

SO YOU CAN LOCK
HIM UP LIKE AN ANIMAL?

NO WAY.

HE LIVED LIKE A FIGHTER.
LET HIM GO OUT LIKE ONE.

MR. LASORDA, PLEASE. DON'T
FORCE US TO USE DRASTIC MEASURES.

CALL OFF THE DOG!

12th PRECINCT. YEMANA.

BARNEY?

- YEAH.
- IT'S YOUR WIFE.

I'LL BE RIGHT THERE.

YOU'RE LEAVING, SIR?

NO, JUST HOLD ONTO THE
DOG. HOLD ONTO THE DOG.

UH, LIZ, LISTEN. I'M GONNA
HAVE TO, UM, ASK YOU TO HOLD.

WE'VE GOT A BIT OF
A SITUATION HERE,

SO I'M GONNA PUT YOU
ON HOLD, ALL RIGHT?

YEAH. HANG ON.

MR. LASORDA...

WE HAVE WEAPONS... I
DON'T WANT TO USE THEM,

BUT I DON'T WANT TO SEE
ANYBODY GET HURT, SO COME ON.

YOU'D SHOOT A DEFENSELESS DOG?

I MAY HAVE NO OTHER CHOICE.

YOU SHOULD ALL BE
ASHAMED OF YOURSELVES.

ALL RIGHT. GENTLEMEN,
STAND BACK.

OKAY. HOLD IT.

MAX, COME HERE, BOY.

FORGET ABOUT IT.

THEY'RE HOLDING ALL THE CARDS.

GOOD DOGGIE.

DON'T CALL HIM DOGGIE.

HE'S A CONTENDER.

SORRY.

WHAT DO YOU SAY, MR. MORRIS?

HE'LL BE ALL RIGHT, CAPTAIN.

HE HAS WHAT HE NEEDS...

A LITTLE ATTENTION,
A LITTLE COMFORTING.

OKAY, YOU'LL TAKE CARE OF HIM?

YEAH.

LEVITT, YOU CAN GO NOW.

LEVITT?

YES, SIR. THANK YOU, SIR.

SIR, I WANT TO APOLOGIZE.

FOR WHAT?

FOR MY INACTION, SIR.
IT WAS EMBARRASSING.

UNDER THE CIRCUMSTANCES,
QUITE ALL RIGHT.

NO, I'M REALLY
SORRY, SIR. I MEAN IT.

FORGET IT, LEVITT. FORGET IT.

I REALLY FEEL BAD.

LEVITT, I DON'T HAVE
TIME TO STAND HERE

AND LISTEN TO YOUR APOLOGIES.

YES, SIR, I'M SORRY. I
MEANT FOR THE APOLOGIES.

OH, MY GOD... LIZ.

UH, LIZ? OH, THANK
GOD YOU'RE STILL THERE.

WELL, IT'S A LONG STORY.

WE HAD A DOG UP
HERE, AND WOJO GOT BIT.

LIZ...

YES, SAME OLD STORY.

NO, I'M FINE.

I'M REALLY FINE, LIZ.

UH, LIZ, I'M GONNA PICK
UP IN THE OTHER ROOM.

JUST... JUST HOLD ON.

EXCUSE ME.

SAY HELLO FOR ME, WILL YOU?

I MEAN, IF MY NAME COMES UP.

HELLO.

OH, HELLO, THERE.

I CAME AS SOON AS I COULD.

OH, THANK YOU. WE
REALLY APPRECIATE THAT.

WELL, YOU SAID
YOU HAD SOME INF...

SOMETHING THE MATTER?

NO.

LOOK, IF THERE'S ANYTHING
AT ALL ON YOUR MIND, JUST...

IS YOUR... IS YOUR...

OH, MY GOD.

YOU SEE, UH...

I-I-I-IT'S JUST THAT
I HAD TO SHAVE

FOR AN ASSIGNMENT LAST
WEEK, AND, WELL, HEY, LOOK.

YOU SAID THAT
YOU'D LIKED IT, SO I...

AND SO YOU'RE ALWAYS
THINKING OF OTHERS, AREN'T YOU?

KIND OF A HOBBY.

YOU WANT TO HAVE A SEAT?

WELL?

OOH, WELL, I LIKE THAT, TOO.

THERE'S SOMETHING
EXCITING ABOUT NEW GROWTH.

THANK YOU.

OH, I FOUND YOUR HUSBAND.

REALLY? IS HE ALL RIGHT?

OH, JUST FINE. HE'S AT
A DOWNTOWN HOTEL.

THANK GOD HE'S NOT HURT.

NOT SO FAR.

WAS, UM... WAS THERE
ANYONE WITH HIM?

WELL, I DON'T LIKE TO...

LOOK, I DON'T WANT TO KNOW.

THANK YOU.

I MEAN, WHAT DIFFERENCE
WOULD IT MAKE, ANYWAY?

ANYWAY, I...

I THINK IT'S A BASIC
FLAW IN MY CHARACTER.

YOU'VE BEEN SO KIND

AND CONSIDERATE AND
DECENT AND GENTLE.

HEY, IT WAS EASY.

WAS IT REALLY?

AS FALLING OFF A LOG.

LOOK, GOOD LUCK, AND, UM...

I'LL SEE YOU AROUND.

OH. GOODBYE.

OH, UM... YOU
FORGOT THE ADDRESS.

HOW ABOUT THAT?

NO, LISTEN.

I MEAN, IF THE KIDS ARE REALLY
ENJOYING THEMSELVES, SURE, SURE.

TAKE A FEW MORE DAYS. WHY NOT?

YEAH, WE CAN TALK
WHEN YOU GET BACK.

ALL RIGHT. I'LL, UH, I'LL
WAIT FOR YOUR CALL.

YEAH.

I DO, TOO.

YEAH. GOODBYE.

YEAH?

I SAW THE LIGHT ON
YOUR LINE GO OUT.

YOU'RE A VERY GOOD
DETECTIVE, NICK.

THANKS.

UH... WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU?

UH, I WAS WONDERING
WHAT KIND OF PLANS YOU HAD

FOR DINNER TONIGHT.

NICK.

I GOT A CORNISH HEN
I WAS GONNA STUFF.

NICK, I APPRECIATE IT.

I REALLY DO, BUT
NOT TONIGHT, HUH?

OKAY.

I DIDN'T WANT TO SLAVE
OVER A HOT PLATE ANYWAY.

YEAH?

YEAH, HI. UH... UH...

WELL, YOU GUYS ARE BUSY.

NO, NO, NO, NO. WHAT?

WELL, NICK HAD BEEN
SAYING THAT, YOU KNOW,

MAYBE WE SHOULD
ALL GO OUT TONIGHT

AND HAVE A FEW BEERS.

IT WAS CORNISH HEN.

WHAT?

HARRIS AND DIETRICH BUSY?

CALL US, BARN?

LISTEN.

LISTEN, EVERYBODY, I, UH...

I KNOW YOU'RE ALL VERY
CONCERNED ABOUT ME,

AND I APPRECIATE IT.

I REALLY DO, BUT IT'S
REALLY NOT AS BAD AS IT MAY...

I GUESS IT'S BEEN...

IT'S BEEN APPARENT FOR SOME TIME

THAT LIZ AND I ARE
HAVING OUR TROUBLES.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO
TALK ABOUT THIS, BARNEY.

WOJO, PLEASE.

ANYWAY, WE...

WE THOUGHT MAYBE IF WE
TOOK A LITTLE TIME APART,

TIME TO... THINK THINGS OVER...

BUT WE'RE TALKING. W-W-W-WE ARE.

WE'VE HAD SOME VERY
FRANK, SOME CANDID,

SOME VERY PRODUCTIVE
DISCUSSIONS.

ARE YOU GONNA ISSUE
A JOINT COMMUNIQUÉ?

JUST TRYING TO
BREAK THE TENSION.

THANK YOU, DIETRICH.

THANK YOU, EVERYBODY.

BARNEY, LOOK.

IF YOU EVER NEED
A... A MOUSTACHE?

YEAH, RIGHT.

I GOT AN EXTRA.

HEY, BARNEY,

MY GRANDFATHER HAD
SOMETHING TO SAY ABOUT MARRIAGE.

I HAVE NO DOUBTS ABOUT THAT.

MARRIAGE IS LIKE A
HORSE WITH A BROKEN LEG.

YOU CAN SHOOT IT,

BUT THAT DON'T FIX THE LEG.

I LIKE THAT... I THINK.

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