Barney Miller (1975–1982): Season 5, Episode 3 - The Search - full transcript

The officers reopen a 28-year-old missing persons case. The host of a children's science show goes berserk. Harris takes a turn at cross-dressing mugging detail.

HARRIS NOT IN YET?

UH, NOPE.

I'M DOING HIS FILING.

AND I APPRECIATE IT.

MAYBE HE STOPPED
TO PICK OUT A DRESS.

POSSIBLY.

DID HARRIS CATCH MUGGING DUTY?

YEAH.

HUH?

WOJO, IF I REMEMBER
CORRECTLY, YOU, UH...

YOU WEREN'T SO AMUSED BY IT



LAST TIME YOU
PULLED MUGGING DUTY.

OH, WELL, THAT WAS
A COUPLE YEARS AGO.

YEAH, I'VE GAINED MY
PERSPECTIVE ON IT NOW.

I CAN FIND THE HUMOR IN IT.

PARTICULARLY WHEN
IT'S SOMEONE ELSE.

SURE.

DIFFICULT NOT TO FEEL FOOLISH

WHEN YOU'RE WEARING HIGH
HEELS AND STOCKINGS AND PANTIES.

PANTIES?

WHAT DO YOU WEAR PANTIES
FOR? NO ONE CAN SEE 'EM.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
YOU GOT TO WEAR PANTIES.

DON'T WEAR PANTIES,
YOU FEEL LIKE A TRAMP.

GENTLEMEN, WE HAVE WORK TO DO.

OR AT LEAST THE
APPEARANCE OF WORK,



JUST FOR MY BENEFIT.

EASY.

NICK, YOU HAVE FILING?

YEAH, I WAS JUST WAITING FOR
A LULL IN THE CONVERSATION.

THIS SEEMS TO BE IT.

THEY TOLD ME DOWNSTAIRS

THAT SOMEBODY UP
HERE COULD HELP ME.

I'M SERGEANT YEMANA.

DID YOU HANDLE MISSING PERSONS?

OH, I DO A LITTLE OF EVERYTHING.

COULD SOMEBODY HELP ME?

NICK?

UH, BARNEY, THIS IS MISS, UH...

SCHNABLE.

MISS SCHNABLE.

SHE WANTS ANOTHER OPINION.

I'M CAPTAIN MILLER.
WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU?

IT'S MY FATHER.

HE'S MISSING.

ALL RIGHT. JUST
HAVE A SEAT HERE.

SERGEANT WOJCIEHOWICZ
WILL HELP YOU.

WOJO, THIS IS MISS SCHNABLE.

HEY. BE WITH YOU IN A MINUTE.

THIS IS A MISSING PERSONS CASE.

OKAY.

I GUESS YOU GET A
LOT OF MISSING PEOPLE.

YEAH, WELL, ONLY IF
SOMEONE'S LOOKING FOR THEM.

SEE, IF, UH, IF NO ONE'S
LOOKING FOR THEM,

THEN THEY AIN'T
A MISSING PERSON.

THEY'RE JUST GONE.

Barney: AH, GOOD
MORNING, SERGEANT HARRIS.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS
COUNTRY NEEDS, BARNEY?

WHAT'S THAT?

A GOOD DEPRESSION.

BE A NICE CHANGE OF PACE.

I MEAN, MAYBE IF
BUSINESS WEREN'T SO GOOD,

THESE MERCHANTS
WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO AFFORD

TO JERK THEIR CUSTOMERS AROUND.

I TAKE IT YOU HAD A PROBLEM?

YEAH, I WENT TO PICK UP MY SHOES

AND MY HAT FOR THE DETAIL.

TASTY.

HMM.

BUT THE DRESS WASN'T READY.

WHY NOT?

I DON'T KNOW.

BARN, ALL I WANTED DONE
WAS A FEW ALTERATIONS,

A LITTLE BEADWORK.

COULDN'T YOU FIND A DRESS
THAT WAS ALREADY, UH...

I DON'T BUY OFF
THE RACK, BARNEY.

SORRY.

NICK'S ALREADY DONE YOUR FILING.

OH, THANKS, NICK.

SO YOU CAN PICK UP A LITTLE
TIME BY GOING AND SHAVING NOW.

SHAVE?

SHAVE.

MY LEGS DON'T NEED IT.

GOOD.

SMOOTHNESS... IT
RUNS IN THE FAMILY.

I WAS REFERRING
TO YOUR MOUSTACHE.

PARDON ME?

YOUR MOUSTACHE.

THAT STUFF GROWING
UP THERE ON YOUR LIP.

- OH, YEAH... THIS.
- HMM.

I'D REALLY PREFER
NOT TO, BARNEY.

HARRIS.

EXCUSE ME, BARNEY.

I THINK I'VE GOT TO TAKE THESE
THINGS DOWN TO MY LOCKER.

HARRIS.

NOT TOO HAPPY ABOUT
LOSING THE OLD WHISK BROOM?

HE'LL SHAVE.

YOU KNOW, A MOUSTACHE CAN BECOME

AN IMPORTANT EXTENSION
OF A MAN'S PERSONALITY.

SHAVING IT CAN BE
VERY TRAUMATIC.

GENTLEMEN, LET'S NOT
MAKE A BIG DEAL OUT OF THIS.

I SHAVED ONCE.

I DIDN'T LIKE IT.

OKAY, NOW, BEFORE WE CAN
OFFICIALLY FILE A COMPLAINT,

WE GOT TO KNOW THAT
THE GUY HAS BEEN MISSING

FOR MORE THAN 48 HOURS.

OH, HE HAS BEEN.

ALL RIGHT. HOW LONG?

COUNTING TODAY, 28 YEARS.

IT WOULD'VE BEEN NICE
IF IT'D BEEN REPORTED

A LITTLE BIT SOONER.

IT WAS A LITTLE COMPLICATED.

UH-HUH.

SEE, I WAS RAISED IN
STATE INSTITUTIONS,

IN FOSTER HOMES.

I NEVER KNEW EITHER
OF MY PARENTS.

THERE'S A REAL GOOD
CHANCE I'M A BASTARD.

ANYWAY, A COUPLE OF YEARS AGO,

I DECIDED TO TRY AND FIND THEM,

BUT NOBODY WOULD HELP ME.

SO I STARTED
SEARCHING ON MY OWN,

AND I WENT TO THE
SOCIAL SECURITY,

AND I WENT TO THE V.A.

AND THROUGH THEM, I
WAS ABLE TO TRACE HIM

TO THE PLACE WHERE HE WORKS
RIGHT HERE IN MANHATTAN...

THE CONTINENTAL HEALTH
SPA ON CHRISTOPHER STREET.

AND HE'S THERE NOW?

WELL, YEAH.

WELL, THEN HE AIN'T MISSING.

WELL, NOT EXACTLY...
BUT HE WON'T SEE ME.

OH, WELL, UH...

SEE, IF THAT'S THE SITUATION,

THERE ISN'T THAT MUCH
THAT WE CAN DO ABOUT IT.

HE WON'T SEE ME BECAUSE
HE DOESN'T KNOW WHO I AM.

IF YOU COULD JUST
MAKE HIM TALK TO ME,

GIVE ME A CHANCE TO EXPLAIN,

THEN EVERYTHING WOULD BE FINE.

CAN'T FORCE A MAN TO TALK TO YOU

IF HE DOESN'T WANT
TO TALK TO YOU.

WHY NOT? IT'S YOUR JOB.

NO, LADY.

SEE, WE DEAL MAINLY IN
THE CRIMINAL ELEMENT HERE.

CAPTAIN...

DO I HAVE A RIGHT TO SEE
MY OWN FATHER OR DON'T I?

YEAH. OF COURSE YOU DO.

NO, SHE DOES NOT.

WHAT?

HER FATHER DOESN'T
WANT TO SEE HER.

- WHY NOT?
- SHE'S PROBABLY A BASTARD.

WOJO!

HER FATHER DESERTED HER,

AND NOW SHE WANTS US TO SIT
ON HIM WHILE SHE TALKS TO HIM.

OH. UH, WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN?

1950.

OH, I SEE.

NO, YOU DON'T SEE.

HE DOESN'T KNOW WHO I AM.

IF I COULD JUST HAVE
A CHANCE TO EXPLAIN...

MISS SCHNABLE, THIS
IS NOT A POLICE MATTER.

HE'S MY FATHER!

I'VE GOT DOCUMENTED PROOF!

I'VE GOT SOCIAL SECURITY
THINGS, NOTARIZED THINGS!

THAT'S NOT THE ISSUE.

I'VE GOT RIGHTS!

I SUPPOSE YOU'VE HEARD
OF THE NAPOLEONIC CODE.

WE SURE HAVE.

SO?

- SO?
- SO...

SO, IT ISN'T THAT
WE'RE NOT SYMPATHETIC

TO YOUR PROBLEM.

IT'S JUST THAT IT'S OUT
OF OUR JURISDICTION.

YOU'RE NOT GONNA HELP ME AT ALL?

PERHAPS WE CAN RECOMMEND YOU

TO SOME, UH, SOCIAL AGENCIES.

NEVER MIND.

I'M SORRY I WASTED YOUR TIME.

WELL, WE'RE SORRY,
TOO, MISS SCHNABLE.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO WORRY
ABOUT MY BOTHERING YOU AGAIN.

GOODBYE!

Harris: OKAY, MR. HOLLY,

IF YOU'LL JUST STEP
INSIDE HERE, PLEASE.

IT'S ALL OVER... MY
CAREER, MY LIFE!

LOOK, TAKE IT EASY, MR. HOLLY.

I MIGHT AS WELL BE DEAD!

YOU'LL FEEL MUCH BETTER
AFTER YOU'RE BOOKED.

OH, GOD!

WHAT DO YOU GOT HERE?

MILTON HOLLY... HE'S THE HOST

OF ONE OF THE EDUCATIONAL
SHOWS AT THE STATION.

"MR. SCIENCE."

REALLY?

YOU'VE HEARD OF ME?

I'M AFRAID NOT.

OF COURSE NOT. WHO
WATCHES CHANNEL 37?

APPARENTLY, MR. HOLLY WAS
PERFORMING AN EXPERIMENT

ON THE AIR WHEN HIS
HELPER OF THE DAY,

ONE SCOTT MacMILLAN, AGE 13,

BEGAN MAKING WHAT HE
CONSIDERED DISRUPTIVE COMMENTS.

"BORING, MR. SCIENCE.
BIG DEAL, MR. SCIENCE.

IF YOU'RE SO SMART, WHY
ARE YOU BALD, MR. SCIENCE?"

MR. HOLLY FINALLY REPLIED

THAT MASTER MacMILLAN
SHOULD "EITHER SHUT UP

OR," AND I'M QUOTING HERE,

HE'D "PUT HIS CAN
ON A BUNSEN BURNER."

ON THE AIR. I
SAID IT ON THE AIR.

I COULDN'T WAIT
FOR A STATION BREAK.

THE KID STARTED LAUGHING AT HIM,

AND MR. HOLLY WENT BERSERK.

HE CHASED THE KID
ALL AROUND THE STUDIO,

KNOCKING DOWN THE
LIGHTS, TV EQUIPMENT.

THE STATION IS PRESSING CHARGES?

YEAH.

- WHAT ABOUT THE KID?
- HE'S SUING.

KIDS! THEY'RE MONSTERS TODAY.

USED TO BE YOU'D SHOW
THEM HOW TO RUN A MOTOR

ON STATIC ELECTRICITY
OR HOW TO SUCK AN EGG

THROUGH A BOTTLE, THEY
THOUGHT YOU WERE A GOD.

WELL, UH, UNFORTUNATELY,

I'M AFRAID WE'RE GONNA
HAVE TO BOOK YOU, SO...

IF YOU'LL JUST HAVE A
SEAT RIGHT OVER HERE.

HAVE A SEAT RIGHT HERE
AT SERGEANT YEMANA'S DESK

SINCE SERGEANT HARRIS
HAS A PRIOR COMMITMENT.

NOTHING WE CAN'T TALK
ABOUT IN YOUR OFFICE.

ALL RIGHT.

NICK, YOU'LL TAKE
CARE OF MISTER, UH...

SCIENCE.

THE OBJECT IS TO PROVIDE
A BELIEVABLE TARGET.

I'M AFRAID THE MOUSTACHE
MIGHT COMPROMISE THE SITUATION.

SEE THAT? IT'S ONE OF THE THINGS

I REALLY ADMIRE ABOUT YOU.

- WHAT'S THAT?
- YOUR FLEXIBILITY.

THAT'S KIND OF YOU.

YOUR LACK OF RIGIDITY.
"MIGHT COMPROMISE"?

YOUR WILLINGNESS TO SEE
BOTH SIDES OF A QUESTION,

TO BEND IN A GIVEN
SITUATION IF NECESSARY.

I'M REALLY FLATTERED.
WHAT'S YOUR POINT?

I REALLY DON'T WANT
TO SHAVE THIS OFF.

HARRIS.

IT'S NOT A MATTER
OF VANITY, BARNEY.

IT'S JUST THAT, WELL...

IT LOOKS SO DAMN GOOD.

BARN, A CALL CAME
IN FROM DISPATCH.

DISTURBANCE OVER
AT CONTINENTAL SPA.

THAT'S WHERE MISS SCHNABLE
SAID HER FATHER WORKED.

ALL RIGHT, YOU'RE IN CHARGE.
TAKE YEMANA WITH YOU.

YOU KNOW, I USED TO
BE ON THE NETWORK.

EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.

NOW THERE'S NOTHING
ON THERE BUT TRASH.

I THINK MOST CRITICS WOULD AGREE

THAT CHILDREN'S PROGRAMMING
HAS DETERIORATED SIGNIFICANTLY

IN RECENT YEARS.

IMBECILIC CARTOONS, SUPERHEROES,

JUNK FOOD COMMERCIALS.
NOTHING FOR THE MIND.

OF COURSE THERE ARE STILL
SOME WORTHWHILE PROGRAMS.

THERE'S, UH, YOUTH
DOCUMENTARIES,

SOME EXCELLENT ANIMAL SERIES.

SURE.

YOU EVER WATCH
VERMIN, VERMIN, VERMIN?

NO.

IT'S DISGUSTING BUT INFORMATIVE.

WOJO AND NICK NOT BACK YET?

NO.

YOU SEEN HARRIS?

NO, NOT SINCE HE CAME
OUT OF YOUR OFFICE.

IS THERE SOMETHING
YOU WANT TO SAY TO ME?

I DON'T BELIEVE WE'VE
BEEN INTRODUCED.

NOW, THAT IS A CHANGE.

THANK YOU.

I GUESS SHAVING
WASN'T AS DIFFICULT

AS YOU THOUGHT IT WAS GONNA BE.

NAH. ON THE CONTRARY.

NOW I'M GLAD I DID IT.

GOOD.

I MEAN, ACTUALLY,
WHAT IS THE FUNCTION

OF A MOUSTACHE ANYWAY?

IT'S REALLY JUST A
MASCULINE AFFECTATION.

THAT'S ONE WAY TO LOOK AT IT.

WELL, I MEAN, IT'S KIND OF SILLY

WHEN YOU STOP
AND THINK ABOUT IT.

I MEAN, IT'S JUST A
STUPID CLUMP OF HAIR

SITTING OVER YOUR MOUTH.

A MEANINGLESS,
SUPERFICIAL DEMAND

FOR ATTENTION.

EVERYBODY IN HERE.

JUST LEAVE ME ALONE, OKAY?

I LOVE YOU, DADDY.

TELL HER TO LEAVE ME ALONE!

HEY, BOTH OF YOU QUIET DOWN.

HELLO AGAIN, MISS SCHNABLE.

I JUST WANTED TO TALK TO HIM.

OKAY. WHAT HAPPENED?

WELL, SHE WENT OVER
TO THE CONTINENTAL SPA

AND TRIED TO GET IN.

THEY WOULDN'T LET HER
IN 'CAUSE IT WAS ALL MEN.

SO SHE WENT AROUND
THE BACK AND...

BROKE IN A WINDOW.

AND?

OH, AND, UH...

THEN SHE WENT INTO
THE LOCKER ROOM.

I JUST WANTED TO TALK TO HIM.

NOW THEY WANT TO CHARGE
HER WITH TRESPASSING.

AND IT COULD COST ME MY JOB.

DON'T WORRY, DADDY.
I'LL TAKE CARE OF YOU.

DON'T CALL ME DADDY!
I AM NOT YOUR DADDY!

SHE'S A DING-A-LING!

OKAY. NICK, YOU WANT TO
TAKE CARE OF MISS SCHNABLE?

YOU OUGHT TO PUT
HER IN A COTTON BOX.

MR. CLAYMORE,

WE WOULD APPRECIATE YOUR
PATIENCE AND YOUR COOPERATION.

SHE HAS BEEN BUGGING
ME FOR A COUPLE OF WEEKS.

SHE'S FOLLOWING ME AROUND,
CALLING ME, INVADING MY PRIVACY.

I MEAN, CAN'T YOU GUYS
KEEP HER AWAY FROM ME?

NOT UNLESS YOU GET
A RESTRAINING ORDER.

THAT'S IT. I WANT ONE OF THEM.

DETECTIVE WOJCIEHOWICZ
WILL BE GLAD TO HELP YOU.

YEAH, SIT DOWN, MR. CLAYMORE.

SHE IS NOT MY KID.

I MEAN, THERE AIN'T
EVEN A RESEMBLANCE.

LOOK... I ASK YOU. DO
WE LOOK ALIKE TO YOU?

I'M THE WRONG PERSON TO ASK.

Wojo: CAN I SEE
YOU, MR. CLAYMORE?

THANKS A LOT.

STAY RIGHT THERE.

UH... HARRIS?

YEAH?

I WANT TO SAY SOMETHING TO YOU

THAT I NEVER THOUGHT I'D SAY.

YEAH?

YOUR DRESS IS READY.

THANK YOU.

ARE YOU GONNA COME BACK
UP AND SEE US BEFORE YOU GO?

AS THE MOOD STRIKES ME.

OKAY, MR. CLAYMORE,
YOU GOT A MIDDLE NAME?

FRANKLIN.

YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.

ALL RIGHT. DATE OF BIRTH.

- OCTOBER 12th...
- OCTOBER 12, 1925.

HEY.

SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER?

164-32-1989.

THANKS.

NEXT OF KIN?

NONE.

HARASSMENT COMPLAINT,
RESTRAINING ORDER.

THIS OUGHT TO KEEP MISS
SCHNABLE OUT OF YOUR HAIR

FOR QUITE A WHILE.

BELIEVE ME, I DON'T
LIKE DOING ANY OF THIS,

BUT I AM NOT HER FATHER.

MR. CLAYMORE, WHETHER OR NOT...

BARNEY, HE'S NOT.

NOT WHAT?

I DON'T BELIEVE HE'S HER FATHER.

I MEAN, IF WHAT HE
TOLD ME IS RIGHT,

THEN SHE MUST'VE
SCREWED UP SOMEWHERE

WITH HER PAPERS AND STUFF.

I WAS IN AKRON,

BUT I WAS IN THE V.A.
HOSPITAL ALL THAT YEAR.

SURE YOU DIDN'T TAKE
A FEW, UH, FIELD TRIPS

ON THE SIDE?

I WAS A RED-BLOODED, YOUNG GUY,

AND I WASN'T CHINTZY
ABOUT SPREADING IT AROUND,

BUT THAT WAS THE
YEAR I WAS SICK.

I HAD THIS INFECTION, YOU KNOW?

I LOST A LOT OF MY STAMINA,
IF YOU GET MY MEANING.

I GET YOUR MEANING.

IT WAS TEMPORARY, OF COURSE.

IN ANY CASE, MR. CLAYMORE,
SOMEHOW OR OTHER,

MISS SCHNABLE IS
DETERMINED IN HER MIND

THAT YOU ARE HER FATHER.

IS THAT MY PROBLEM?

NO, MR. CLAYMORE.

YOU'RE NOT OBLIGATED IN
ANY WAY TO MISS SCHNABLE.

NOT LEGALLY.

I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE

FOR ALL THE ORPHANS
OF THE WORLD.

OF COURSE NOT.

WELL... MAYBE A COUPLE.

YOU HAD A GRANDFATHER...

AND A GRANDMOTHER...

AND A MOTHER AND A FATHER.

CAPTAIN?

HMM?

YOU HAD A MOTHER AND A FATHER.

INDEED.

SO, WHY SHOULDN'T I HAVE
A CHANCE TO HAVE ONE?

DON'T I RATE A FAMILY?

OF COURSE YOU DO,

BUT UNFORTUNATELY, YOU
CAN'T GO AROUND ASSEMBLING ONE

LIKE A MODEL AIRPLANE.

WHY NOT?

IT COULD BE JUST
THE TWO OF US...

IN A HOUSE... WITH A
YARD... AND A DOG...

AND SUNDAY DINNERS.

UH, TAKE THAT DOWN TO THE
COURTHOUSE ON CENTER STREET.

YOU CAN GET YOUR
RESTRAINING ORDER.

THANKS.

I MEAN, THEY'RE NOT GONNA
LOCK HER UP, ARE THEY?

NOT UNLESS SHE
VIOLATES THE ORDER

AND TRIES TO SEE YOU.

OKAY.

'CAUSE, YOU KNOW,
SHE'S NOT A MEAN KID.

SHE'D PROBABLY MAKE
SOME GUY A NICE DAUGHTER.

PROBABLY.

IT COULD'VE BEEN ANY
ONE OF A DOZEN GUYS.

WHAT'S THAT?

THAT RESTAURANT WAS
RIGHT NEAR THE HOSPITAL.

I WASN'T THE ONLY GUY
THAT WENT OUT WITH SALLY.

SALLY?

SALLY... THE WAITRESS
THAT SHE LOOKS A LITTLE LIKE.

SORT OF.

YOU GET MY MEANING?

I GET YOUR MEANING.

GOODBYE, LADY.

TERESA.

YEAH. TERESA.

GOODBYE.

LISTEN, I'M THINKING...

I CAN STRAIGHTEN
THINGS OUT AT THE CLUB.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO HOLD HER
ON THAT TRESPASSING CHARGE.

I'M SURE IT'S GONNA BE OKAY.

FINE. THANK YOU.

SO TAKE CARE, HUH?

YOU'RE FREE TO GO,
TOO, MISS SCHNABLE.

WE HAVE YOUR
ADDRESS IF WE NEED YOU.

OH, UH, YOUR PAPERS.

DON'T FORGET YOUR PAPERS.

I DON'T WANT THEM.

THROW THEM AWAY.

LISTEN, I'M THINKING...
GIVE ME YOUR ADDRESS.

WE CAN KEEP IN TOUCH.

IT'S ALL RIGHT. YOU
DON'T OWE ME ANYTHING.

I MEAN, YOU KNOW,
EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE,

I COULD DROP YOU
A COUPLE OF LINES.

YOU COULD SEND ME A CARD,
YOU KNOW, FOR FATHER'S DAY.

I MEAN, JUST FOR LAUGHS.

THAT WOULD BE NICE.

YOU NEED A LIFT?

THANK YOU.

THANKS.

DO YOU REMEMBER
MUCH ABOUT MY MOTHER?

HEY, LOOK, I, UH... YOU KNOW.

OH, YEAH. NO, I KNOW.

IT WAS A LONG TIME
AGO. ALMOST 30 YEARS.

YEAH...

AND IT WAS DARK.

CAPTAIN, I GOT
MR. HOLLY'S BAIL TICKET.

TURN HIM LOOSE.

ALL RIGHT. RIGHT
THIS WAY, MR. HOLLY.

THANK YOU.

THAT'S MR. SCIENCE.

YEAH.

WHAT'S HE DOING HERE?

THERE WAS A FRACAS
IN THE TV STUDIO.

HE ASSAULTED HIS ASSISTANT.

NO KIDDING?

I'M VERY SORRY ABOUT
EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENED.

I APPRECIATE YOUR CONSIDERATION.

GOOD LUCK TO YOU, MR. HOLLY.

THANK YOU.

HI. UH...

UH, I'VE NEVER MISSED YOUR SHOW.

I BEG YOUR PARDON? I
DON'T BELIEVE WE'VE MET.

OH, SERGEANT
WOJCIEHOWICZ. 12th PRECINCT.

YOU'RE THE ONLY
GUY ON TELEVISION

THAT EVER SOUNDED LIKE HE
MEANT WHAT HE WAS SAYING.

THAT'S BECAUSE I DID.

YEAH.

AND I DIDN'T JUST
WATCH. I DID EXPERIMENTS.

THE BAKING SODA AND THE MOTORS.

AND THE ANT FARM.
I HAD AN ANT FARM.

I HOPE YOU LEARNED SOMETHING.

SURE.

I WATCHED YOUR SHOW
EVERY SUNDAY FOR FIVE YEARS.

WHY DID YOU STOP?

OH, WELL, I HAD TO.

I JOINED THE MARINES.

NOW, THAT'S A KID.

I'LL BE CHECKING
BACK IN AROUND 6:00.

OH, LISTEN.

WHAT I SAID TO YOU ABOUT
YOUR MOUSTACHE... FORGET IT.

I WAS JUST UPSET.

FORGOTTEN.

I FEEL MUCH BETTER.

YOU?

FINE.

UH, YOU GOT A LITTLE SMUDGE.

OH. THANK YOU.

UH, GO AHEAD, NICK.

GET ALL YOUR CLEVER
LITTLE COMMENTS

OUT OF YOUR SYSTEM.

YOU LOOK LOVELY.

IT'S TRUE. YOU DO.

HEY, COME ON.

BELIEVE ME... YOU
LOOK FANTASTIC.

WELL, I MEAN...

I KNOW I'M A MAN IN A DRESS.

YEAH.

THE OBJECT IS TO COME ACROSS
AS AN ATTRACTIVE WOMAN.

WELL, I MEAN, I WANT
TO LOOK GOOD...

BUT NOT BETTER.

SEE YOU GUYS LATER.

YES, DIETRICH?

YOU EVER SEE THE MOVIE LAURA?

IT'S ABOUT A POLICEMAN
WHO BECOMES FASCINATED

BY A WOMAN HE KNOWS
HE CAN NEVER HAVE.

SO?

IT'S PLAYING DOWN THE STREET.

YOU WANT TO SEE IT TONIGHT?