Barney Miller (1975–1982): Season 4, Episode 8 - Chase - full transcript

- UH, NICK.
- YEAH.

BARN, YOU WANT
ANYTHING FROM SID'S?

SID'S... ISN'T THAT
THAT PLACE ON 10th

THAT THE BOARD OF
HEALTH CLOSED DOWN?

- YEAH, THEY OPENED UP AGAIN.
- OH.

WANT TO TAKE A CHANCE?

UH, NO, THANK YOU.

SEE YOU IN A FEW MINUTES.

YOU, UH, BUSY, NICK?

I MIGHT BE.

QUARTERLY INVENTORY.



AGAIN?

WE JUST DID ONE
THREE MONTHS AGO.

HEY, I'M MOVING
AS FAST AS I CAN.

GIVE A CRIPPLE A BREAK,
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD.

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

THIS OUR PUSHER?

YEAH, BARN, IT'S JAMES GLYNN.

HE TRIED TO SELL US

SOME EXTRA-STRENGTH
PAIN RELIEVER.

HEY, I DIDN'T KNOW
IT WAS HEROIN.

I THOUGHT IT WAS PROTEIN POWDER.

HOW COME YOU TRIED TO
SELL IT TO THE OFFICERS?

BECAUSE PROTEIN IS HEALTHY,

AND I CARE ABOUT PEOPLE.



VERY COMMENDABLE.

DIETRICH, BOOK HIM.

OVER HERE. EMPTY YOUR POCKETS.

THIS STUFF IS WET.

YEAH. HE TRIED TO
FLUSH IT DOWN THE TOILET,

AND, UH, DIETRICH
SNATCHED IT OUT.

GUTSY WORK, DIETRICH.

GO WHERE THE ACTION IS.

ONE SAFE.

TWO FILE CABINETS.

ONE PAPERWEIGHT.

LOOK, I SWEAR I'M NOT A DEALER.

I'M JUST A LOUSY TWO-BIT JUNKIE.

MY GOD, THAT'S OBSCENE.

CRIMINAL... CARRYING A FORTUNE

IN A PAIR OF PANTS LIKE THOSE.

ALL RIGHT, GENTLEMEN,
WE'VE GOT WORK TO DO.

WE'VE ALL SEEN MONEY BEFORE.

YEAH, BUT I WAS
STILL SO YOUNG THEN.

CAPTAIN, IT LOOKS
LIKE $6,000, $7,000.

WORKING CAPITAL, MR. GLYNN?

IT'S MY LIFE SAVINGS.

I WAS JUST CHANGING BANKS.

SIT DOWN OVER THERE.

LADY, MY CAB IS GONE!
DO YOU UNDERSTAND?

SE HA DESAPARECIDO.

WELL, MY PACKAGES
ARE IN YOUR CAB.

THEY'RE GONE, TOO.

PACKAGES? WHAT ARE PACKAGES?

YOU CAN ALWAYS
GET MORE PACKAGES.

BUT A CAB, LADY,
IS AN ENTERPRISE.

DO YOU UNDERSTAND
THE DIFFERENCE?

EXCUSE ME.

EXCUSE ME. CAN I HELP YOU?

ARE YOU THE POLICEMAN IN CHARGE?

I'M CAPTAIN MILLER. MR., UH...

MIONE... ANTONIO MIONE.

INDEPENDENT CAB DRIVER.

WHAT CAN I DO FOR
YOU, MR. MIONE?

I'M DRIVING ALONG
7th AVENUE CASUALLY,

OBEYING THE LAWS OF THE LAND.

I PICK UP THIS FARE.

SHEILA ROSEN. HOW DO YOU DO?

HOW DO YOU DO?
I'M CAPTAIN MILLER.

I'M VERY PLEASED TO MEET YOU.

MY PLEASURE, MISS ROSEN.

ARE YOU THROUGH?

YES, MR. MIONE. GO ON.

SO, I STOP AT A RED
LIGHT, AND THIS GUY...

BUENO, EL TIPO ERA
ENORME, ENORME.

HE COMES OVER.

HE TELLS US TO GET OUT,
AND HE TAKES THE CAB.

THAT'S IT?

HE SAID HE WAS A POLICE OFFICER.

POLICE OFFICER?

COULD YOU DESCRIBE HIM TO ME?

OH, UH, HE HAD
THIN, LIGHT HAIR...

A BOYISH FACE...

WELL-DEVELOPED FOREARMS.

UH, MISS ROSEN...
AND A RED JACKET.

AND A POLISH NAME.

WOJCIEHOWICZ?

THAT'S IT! WOJCIEHOWICZ!

TAKE IT EASY,
MR. MIONE. TAKE IT EASY.

GET ON DISPATCH. SEE
WHAT YOU CAN FIND OUT.

RIGHT. UH, BARN?

WHAT ABOUT THE SANDWICHES?

THE HELL WITH THE
SANDWICHES! GET ON THE PHONE!

SURE. HE DIDN'T ORDER ANYTHING.

- THANKS.
- WELL?

WOJO'S CHASING A GUY THAT
STUCK UP A LIQUOR STORE,

AND A COUPLE BLUE-AND-WHITES
ARE TRYING TO CATCH HIM.

WHERE ARE THEY AT?

THEY'RE HEADED UP 8th AVENUE

AT 80 MILES AN HOUR.

80 MILES AN HOUR?!

MY TAXI CAN'T TAKE
80 MILES AN HOUR.

MY PACKAGES ARE IN
THE BACK OF THAT CAB.

PACKAGES, PACKAGES...

THERE SHE GOES WITH
THE PACKAGES AGAIN!

MR. MIONE, WHY MUST YOU SHOUT?

I AM NOT SHOUTING!

I AM SPEAKING IN A NORMAL
NEW YORK TONE OF VOICE!

HAVE A SEAT,
MR. MIONE, WILL YOU?

WITH PLEASURE.

CAPTAIN?

YEAH.

GLYNN WANTS TO TALK.

HE WANTS TO MAKE
THINGS EASIER ON HIMSELF.

SURE, WHY NOT?

ALL RIGHT, GLYNN.
COME ON. IN THE OFFICE.

THANKS, CAPTAIN.

EIGHT SQUAD-ROOM CHAIRS... HARD.

ONE CAPTAIN'S CHAIR... SOFT.

SAME OLD STORY.

I'M SORRY YOU'RE
HAVING ALL THIS TROUBLE.

THANK YOU.

I'M SORRY ABOUT YOUR PACKAGES.

OH...

THEY'RE NOT ALL THAT IMPORTANT.

FRIJOLES QUE YO HE COMPRADO
PARA COMPRAR ESE TAXI

EL METER NO ESTÁ
YENDO TIKI, TIKI, TIKI.

I LOVE SPANISH.

I THINK IT'S THE MOST BEAUTIFUL

OF ALL THE ROMANCE LANGUAGES.

THANK YOU.

WHAT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY?

JANUARY 24th.

AQUARIUS.

RIGHT.

PERCEPTIVE...

CREATIVE...

AND PASSIONATE.

YEAH.

I'M A VIRGO.

OH?

THAT'S A SHAME.

OKAY, YOU KNOW THAT
RECEIPT OUTSIDE FOR MY MONEY?

WELL, IT'S ABOUT 6 GRAND.

WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF
SOMETHING HAPPENED TO IT?

I DON'T FOLLOW.

WELL, I MEAN, WHAT WOULD HAPPEN

IF IT GOT LOST... OR WHATEVER?

CAN YOU BE A LITTLE
MORE SPECIFIC?

LOOK, I MEAN... I COULD
WALK OUT OF HERE.

MY RECORD WOULD BE CLEAN.

AND I WOULD JUST
HAPPEN TO LEAVE SOME

OF MY PERSONAL EFFECTS BEHIND.

YOU'RE OFFERING ME A BRIBE.

HEY, THIS IS JUST A
HYPOTHETICAL SITUATION.

HANG IN THERE.

DIETRICH, HARRIS, CAN
I SEE YOU A SECOND?

WAIT A MINUTE.

I DON'T MEAN I'M GONNA
BLOW THE OTHER GUYS OFF.

I MEAN, I AM GONNA BE VERY
APPRECIATIVE TO THE MEN

THAT BROUGHT ME IN.

THAT'S REAL GENEROUS OF YOU.

SOMETHING WRONG, BARN?

UH, MR. GLYNN.

WELL, WE WERE JUST TALKING ABOUT

A BUSINESS PROPOSITION.

AS A MATTER OF FACT,

MR. GLYNN OFFERED ME
A HYPOTHETICAL BRIBE

TO LET HIM GO, RIGHT?

MORE OR LESS.

THAT'S FUNNY.

ON THE WAY OVER HERE,
HE MADE ME THE SAME DEAL.

ME TOO. $3,000.

$3,000?

HE OFFERED ME $2,000.

OH, WELL, I'D BE WILLING
TO SPLIT THE DIFFERENCE.

OH, HEY, WELL, THAT'S
DECENT OF YOU, ARTHUR.

GENTLEMEN, WOULD YOU
ESCORT MR. GLYNN INTO THE CAGE

AND MAKE THAT LITTLE EXTRA
NOTATION ON HIS ARREST FORM?

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

I'M OFFERING YOU
A LEGITIMATE DEAL.

IT'S TAX-FREE, FOR
CRYING OUT LOUD.

MOVE IT, CHINTZY.

$2,000.

- COME ON, MOVE IT. MOVE IT.
- ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE
GETTING SO SORE ABOUT.

HEY, HARRIS,

YOU REALLY MEAN THIS, DON'T YOU?

SAY AGAIN?

I MEAN, YOU GUYS ARE
REALLY STRAIGHT-OUT...

NO GREASE, NO FOOLING AROUND.

I MEAN, IT'S GONNA MAKE

FOR A VERY NICE
STAFF STUDY REPORT.

WHAT ARE YOU
TALKING ABOUT, GLYNN?

MY NAME'S NOT GLYNN.

IT'S HUNT...

SERGEANT MICHAEL P.
HUNT, INTERNAL AFFAIRS.

BARNEY!

YEAH?

HE SAYS HE'S A COP.

COP? WHAT KIND OF COP?

MICHAEL P. HUNT,
INTERNAL AFFAIRS.

COME ON, MAN! WHAT
ARE YOU TRYING TO PROVE?

TAKE IT EASY. ALL RIGHT.

WHAT'S GOING ON, GLYNN?

IT'S NOT GLYNN. IT'S HUNT.

GLYNN, HUNT, WHAT'S
THE DIFFERENCE?

WHAT ARE YOU HERE ABOUT?

IT'S, YOU KNOW,

A NORMAL, ONGOING INVESTIGATION.

OF WHAT?

JUST A NORMAL,
ONGOING INTEGRITY PROBE,

CHARACTER PROFILE,
THAT SORT OF STUFF.

HEY, COME ON. YOU
GUYS DID GREAT.

WHO ARE YOU WORKING FOR?

- LIEUTENANT SCANLON.
- SCANLON...

HARRIS, GET SCANLON
ON THE PHONE.

TELL HIM I WANT TO SEE
HIM DOWN HERE RIGHT AWAY!

YEAH, ME TOO.

BOY, ARE YOU GUYS TOUCHY.

GET ME INTERNAL AFFAIRS.

I WANT TO TALK TO HIM, AND
I WANT TO TALK TO HIM NOW.

OKAY, SOMEBODY OPEN UP THE CAGE.

- HEY, YOU.
- IT'S NOT MY STATION.

I'LL TALK TO HIM. HE LIKES ME.

DIETRICH, YOU KNOW,

ALL THE YEARS THAT
I'VE BEEN ON THE FORCE,

I'VE NEVER ONCE
BEEN OFFERED A BRIBE.

DOES THAT BOTHER YOU?

WELL, I WOULDN'T TAKE THE MONEY,

BUT SOMETIMES IT'S
JUST NICE TO BE ASKED.

I FRESHENED YOUR COFFEE.

THANK YOU.

I GUESS...

YOU PRETTY MUCH THINK
I'M A STICK IN THE MUD.

I DIDN'T SAY THAT.

WELL, I AM.

I-I'VE NEVER DONE
MUCH OF ANYTHING.

UH-HUH.

THAT'S BECAUSE I'VE
NEVER BEEN MARRIED.

SO? I'VE NEVER BEEN
MARRIED, EITHER.

IT'S DIFFERENT WITH MEN.

MEN SEEM TO DO
ANYTHING THEY LIKE.

BUT IT'S VERY DIFFICULT
WHEN YOU'RE A...

A VIRGO.

YES.

I THINK PURITY IN A
WOMAN IS VERY EXCITING.

THANK YOU.

YOU ARE TO BE RESPECTED.

I'M AFRAID SO.

COME ON, BANDO.
OVER TO THE CAGE.

I'M GOING. DON'T
GET UPSET, OKAY?

QUISIERA SABER DÓNDE
HAS ESTADO TODO EL DÍA.

MY CAB... WHERE IS MY CAB?

IT'S DOWNSTAIRS.

IS IT ALL RIGHT? IS IT PERFECT?

IS IT IN BEAUTIFUL SHAPE?

UH... IT'S DOWNSTAIRS.

SI BAJO Y CRUZO LA
CALLE, SI ESE CARRO ESTÁ...

WOJO... EASY, EASY.
WHAT HAPPENED?

THAT'S LOUIS BANDO IN THERE.

HE WAS COMING OUT OF
COTTERMAN'S WITH A GUN,

SO I ENGAGED IN PURSUIT.

WE ALREADY KNOW THAT PART.

WELL, I PURSUED HIM

FOR APPROXIMATELY
ABOUT 17 MILES.

HEY, I SWEAR I
WOULD HAVE STOPPED

IF I KNEW HE WAS A COP.

I THOUGHT HE WAS
SOME CRAZY TAXI DRIVER.

HE WAS GOING NUTS ON ME.

UH, MAYBE WE SHOULD
TALK IN YOUR OFFICE, BARN.

WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR HAND?

NOTHING, JUST SOME GLASS.

I got in a crash.

- A CRASH?!
- CRASH?

YO QUIERO SABER
QUÉ DIJO DEL CRASH.

TAKE IT EASY.

IN THE OFFICE.

DIETRICH, TAKE MR. MIONE DOWN.

HE CAN IDENTIFY HIS PROPERTY.

YOU, TOO, MISS ROSEN.

COME ON, MR. MIONE.

THINK YOU CAN IDENTIFY YOUR CAB?

I KNOW WHAT IT LOOKED
LIKE THIS MORNING.

MEMORIES...

WHERE WOULD WE BE WITHOUT THEM?

WOJO, YOU KNOW THAT
DEPARTMENT POLICY

IS TO TRY TO AVOID
HIGH-SPEED CAR CHASES

IF AT ALL POSSIBLE.

BUT THE GUY ROBBED A STORE.

I COULDN'T JUST
WATCH HIM DRIVE AWAY.

NO, OF COURSE NOT.

WHAT I DID WASN'T WRONG, WAS IT?

IT WASN'T A QUESTION
OF BEING WRONG.

IT WAS A SITUATION THAT
CALLED FOR SOME DISCRETION,

A LITTLE JUDGMENT.

THERE WASN'T TIME FOR JUDGMENT.

YEAH?

BARNEY, DISPATCH CALLED,

AND THEY WANT 12 COPIES

OF WOJO'S REPORT
FOR DAMAGE CLAIMS.

12 COPIES?

YEAH, UH, WELL, THAT'S...

PROBABLY FOR THE PARKED CARS.

WOJO, YOU... YOU HAVE
AN ANNOYING LITTLE HABIT

OF RELEASING THE INFORMATION
LITTLE BIT BY LITTLE BIT.

I MEAN, YOU SAY "CRASH."

I AM FORCED TO SAY "WHAT CRASH?"

YOU SAY "PARKED CARS," AND
I SAY "WHAT PARKED CARS?"

IT WOULD BE A LOT EASIER
ON ME AND A LOT CLEARER

IF YOU'D GET ALL THE
INFORMATION OUT AT ONE TIME,

IF YOU DON'T MIND, PLEASE!

SURE, BARN.

WELL, UH, I CHASED THE GUY.

AND HE HIT A CAR,

AND THEN I HIT THREE CARS...

ALL OF THEM PARKED.

HE WENT DOWN THIS ALLEY,
AND I WENT DOWN THERE.

AND HE WAS GOING
SO FAST, SO I HIT THEM.

AT LEAST NOW I HAVE AN
ORDERED BASE OF INFORMATION

TO WORK FROM.

I DIDN'T EVEN SEE THE TRUCK.

WHAT TRUCK?

THAT'S IT. I'M OUT OF BUSINESS.

EVERYTHING WILL WORK
OUT FOR THE BEST, MR. MIONE.

BEST?

YOU'RE SPEAKING TO A
MAN WHO HAS NO DOORS.

WHAT ABOUT ME?

$250 WORTH OF CLOTHES... GONE.

HOW COULD THAT HAPPEN?

CENTRIFUGAL FORCE.

PARDON?

THAT'S THE FORCE THAT
MAKES ROTATING BODIES

MOVE AWAY FROM THE
CENTER OF ROTATION.

YES. ALL I KNOW IS THAT
MY DOORS FELL OFF.

THEY'RE LYING IN A
STREET SOMEWHERE.

WELL, NOW YOU'RE
TALKING GRAVITY.

SCANLON, INTERNAL AFFAIRS.

HARRIS, HUMAN RACE.

WHAT?

I'LL TELL THE
CAPTAIN YOU'RE HERE.

BARN, HE'S HERE.

SO, WHAT HAPPENED?

I DON'T KNOW.

THEIR NOSES GOT OUT OF JOINT
WHEN I TOLD THEM I WAS A COP.

DID THEY GO FOR IT?

NO, THEY'RE STRAIGHT.

LET'S FILL OUT SOME
DAMAGE-CLAIM FORMS

FOR MR. MIONE AND MISS ROSEN.

DIETRICH, GIVE THEM A HAND.
LET'S GET THEM MOVING QUICKLY.

RIGHT, BARN.

LIEUTENANT SCANLON.

WHAT THE HELL IS
GOING ON, MILLER?

WE CAN TALK IN MY OFFICE.

YOU GOT ONE OF MY
MEN IN YOUR LOCKUP.

WE CAN TALK IN MY OFFICE.

YOU GONNA LET HIM GO?

IN MY OFFICE... WE CAN TALK.

NOT ONLY IS THIS OPERATION
MINDLESS AND INSULTING,

IT ALSO WASTED TWO WEEKS
OF MY SQUAD'S VALUABLE TIME!

LOOK, YOU GOT
YOUR JOB, I GOT MINE.

WELL, DO IT SOMEWHERE
ELSE! GET OFF MY BACK!

WHAT ARE YOU GETTING
SO UPSET ABOUT?

YOU GOT SOMETHING TO HIDE?

NO, I DON'T HAVE
SOMETHING TO HIDE.

I DON'T HAVE THE
TIME TO PLAY GAMES

WITH INTERNAL AFFAIRS
OR YOUR VICE SQUAD.

YOU NEVER DID LIKE US
VICE COPS MUCH, DID YOU?

LIKE YOU SAID,

YOU GOT YOUR JOB, I GOT MINE.

AND I SPENT 16 YEARS
DEVELOPING MY GRAFT.

I MEAN, LAYING A FOUNDATION,
BUILDING A REPUTATION.

LISTEN TO ME, MILLER.

I GOT THE RESPECT OF
EVERY HOOKER AND DEVIANT

BETWEEN TIMES
SQUARE AND THE VILLAGE.

CAN YOU SAY THAT?

I DON'T THINK SO.

YOU BETCHA.

LISTEN TO ME, MILLER.

THERE'S A REASON FOR
GUYS LIKE ME TO BE AROUND.

NOBODY'S PERFECT.
IT AIN'T NORMAL.

I'M SORRY TO
DISAPPOINT YOU, SCANLON,

BUT YOU'RE WASTING YOUR TIME.

I'VE SEEN BETTER GUYS
THAN THEM GO OVER THE EDGE.

I MEAN GOOD, HONEST,
HARDWORKING JOHNS

WHO WERE UP AGAINST
IT THEIR WHOLE LIVES.

THEY FINALLY GOT A CHANCE
TO REACH AT SOMETHING,

AND THEY TOOK IT.

WHY? BECAUSE IT'S NATURAL.

NOT HERE... NOT
THEM, AND NOT ME.

OKAY.

NOW, LET'S JUST SUPPOSE
THAT THIS TIME YOU'RE CLEAN.

BUT ADMIT... ADMIT
THAT SOME OTHER TIME,

IT COULD BE DIFFERENT.

ADMIT IT!

FORGET IT.

COME ON, MILLER.

DON'T TELL ME YOU'VE
NEVER DONE ANYTHING

THAT YOU WEREN'T ASHAMED OF.

EVERYBODY'S GOT A ROTTEN
SPOT ON THEM SOMEWHERE.

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?

YOU TOO GOOD TO
JOIN THE HUMAN RACE?

COME ON!

MY MEN WORK HARD.

THEIR HANDS ARE CLEAN...
ALWAYS, NO EXCEPTIONS.

BECAUSE THEY TAKE AFTER YOU.

MAYBE!

I GOT TOO MUCH RESPECT
FOR YOU TO BELIEVE THAT.

AND A DRESS. IT WAS
FROM BLOOMINGDALE'S.

GREEN CHIFFON WITH
A PLUNGING NECKLINE.

HOW MUCH?

ABOUT DOWN TO HERE.

NO, I MEANT THE PRICE.

$64. I GOT IT ON SALE.

I'M VERY FRUGAL.

YOU'LL BE NOTIFIED AS SOON
AS YOUR CLAIM IS PROCESSED.

THANK YOU.

HARRIS.

YEAH.

TURN HUNT LOOSE.

WHY?

WE MADE OUR POINTS. LET'S GO.

I THOUGHT WE HAD
GROUNDS FOR A LAWSUIT.

HARRIS, LET'S GO.

DEFAMATION OF CHARACTER
OUGHT TO BE WORTH A FEW BUCKS.

JUST OPEN THE CAGE, HUH?

YEAH.

COME ON.

HE'S A REAL TOUCHY
ONE, AIN'T HE?

DETECTIVE HARRIS HAS A
KEEN SENSE OF SURVIVAL.

OH, YEAH.

WELL...

IT WAS NICE SEEING
YOU AGAIN, CAPTAIN.

YOU'RE A REAL DECENT GUY.

THANK YOU.

I'LL SEE YOU AROUND.

SURE.

BECAUSE I LIKE TO KEEP MY
EYES ON YOU DECENT GUYS.

UH, I'LL GET THIS
DOWNTOWN AS SOON AS I CAN,

AND THE CITY WILL GET YOU A CAB.

WHAT'LL I DO TILL THEN,

CARRY PEOPLE AROUND ON MY BACK?

I'M SORRY.

SO...

THAT'S THE WAY IT IS.

I HAVE A CHEVY.

YOU TALKING TO ME?

IT'S IN THE GARAGE NEAR THE
GEORGE WASHINGTON BRIDGE

BECAUSE I DON'T LIKE
DRIVING IN THE CITY.

SO?

SO, I DON'T USE IT MUCH.

SO, SO?

YOU COULD BORROW IT
UNTIL YOU GET ANOTHER CAB.

NO, I DON'T THINK
I COULD DO THAT.

OH, PLEASE. TAKE IT. USE IT.

NO, NO.

I WANT YOU TO.

NO.

IT HAS FOUR DOORS.

FOUR DOORS.

FOUR DOORS?

WITH A LUGGAGE RACK ON TOP.

UN BAÍL ENORME,
CUATRO PUERTAS...

PLEASE, MR. MIONE,

IT WOULD MAKE ME SO HAPPY.

WELL... LISTEN.

HAPPINESS IS VERY IMPORTANT.

THE ONE THING...

IT'S NEVER BEEN
DRIVEN IN THE CITY.

OH.

I'LL BE GENTLE.

I'LL APPRECIATE THAT.

HEY, BARN...

HAVE YOU SEEN A FIRST-BASE
MITT AROUND HERE?

IT SAYS WE WERE ISSUED
ONE... A FIRST-BASE MITT.

A FIRST-BASE MITT?

IT'S A TYPO.

IT'S SUPPOSED TO
BE A FIRST-AID KIT.

OH, THAT'S GOOD.

ALL I COULD FIND WAS
A FIELDER'S GLOVE.