Barney Miller (1975–1982): Season 4, Episode 4 - Corporation - full transcript

An environmentalist who has been attacking a chemical plant faces the corporation's high-priced lawyer.

I'M BRAD LANEER,

LEGAL REPRESENTATIVE OF
FEDERATED PAPER COMPANY,

A DIVISION OF McMILLAN CHEMICAL.

SAY AGAIN?

I'M BRAD LANEER,

LEGAL REPRESENTATIVE OF
FEDERATED PAPER COMPANY...

HMM. YOU MAKE TOILET PAPER.

YES, WE DO.

YOUR DESK SERGEANT DOWNSTAIRS...

HOW COME YOU CAN NEVER
GET A ROLL STARTED RIGHT?

I MEAN, YOU ALWAYS GOT
TO SCRATCH AND CLAW AT IT



TILL IT ENDS UP IN SHREDS.

IS THERE A CAPTAIN MILLER HERE?

YEAH. UH, BARNEY?

YOU PEOPLE REALLY OUGHT
TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT THAT.

I'M IN THE LEGAL DEPARTMENT.

I REALLY DON'T KNOW ANYTHING
ABOUT THAT END OF THE BUSINESS.

UH... OH, CRUDITY, MAN, CRUDITY.

YES, I'M CAPTAIN
MILLER. CAN I HELP YOU?

UH, THIS IS MR. LANEER, BARNEY.

HE'S WITH THE, UH, FEDERATED
TOILET PAPER COMPANY.

JUST PAPER... FEDERATED
PAPER COMPANY.

WE'RE A DIVISION OF
McMILLAN CHEMICAL.

THEY DO MAKE TOILET PAPER,
BUT THEY DON'T BRAG ABOUT IT.

HE'S THEIR ATTORNEY.



ONE OF THEM.

THERE ARE 57 OF US.

57? THAT'S A LOT OF LAWYERS.

WELL, WE'RE A BIG FIRM.

OH.

BET THEY GOT ENOUGH TO
KEEP YOU BUSY, TOO, HUH?

OH, YEAH.

WHAT CAN I DO FOR
YOU, MR. LANEER?

THE PROBLEM IS A GRADUAL
EROSION OF RESPECT

FOR THE FREE-ENTERPRISE
SYSTEM, AND CONSEQUENTLY,

THE INCREASING ATTACKS
UPON THE CORPORATE ENTITIES

THAT ARE THE BACKBONE
OF THAT SYSTEM.

I WOULD SAY THAT'S OUT OF
OUR JURISDICTION, MR. LANEER.

HOW ABOUT VANDALISM AND THEFT,

OFFICES RANSACKED, FILES RIFLED?

THAT'S MORE LIKE IT.

WELL, I WAS GIVING YOU A
BROADER OVERALL PICTURE,

BRINGING IN THE
SOCIAL IMPLICATIONS

FROM A JURISPRUDENT
POINT OF VIEW.

I SEE.

HAVE A SEAT, MR. LANEER.

THANK YOU.

HOW LONG HAS IT BEEN GOING ON?

UH, A WEEK... A WEEK AND A HALF.

DO YOU HAVE ANY
IDEA WHO IT MIGHT BE?

HE CALLS HIMSELF THE HAWK.

THE HAWK?

THAT'S THE NAME THAT
HE SCRIBBLES ON THE WALL

EVERY TIME HE DOES
ONE OF THESE THINGS.

IS THIS YOURS?

UH, NO.

SOUNDS TO ME LIKE YOU'VE
GOT A CRUSADER ON YOUR HANDS.

PROBABLY PROTESTING
CORPORATE CORRUPTION,

ENVIRONMENTAL POLLUTION.

POLLUTION?

TODAY HE PUT A STINK BOMB

IN OUR AIR-CONDITIONING SYSTEM.

OUR WHOLE BUILDING
SMELLS LIKE AN OPEN SEWER.

I CAN STILL SMELL IT.

UH, NICK, I THINK
YOUR COFFEE'S READY.

VERY FUNNY.

OH, YOU'RE RIGHT.

YOU HAVE ANYBODY
YOU CAN THINK OF

WHO MIGHT HAVE A
PERSONAL MOTIVE,

SOMEBODY WHO HAS A GRIEVANCE,

A GRUDGE AGAINST THE COMPANY?

NO ONE IN PARTICULAR.

BUT, UM, WE HAVE
MANAGED TO PUT TOGETHER...

AT LEAST OUR COMPUTER
HAS PUT TOGETHER...

A LIST OF PEOPLE WHO
MIGHT HAVE SOME REASON...

I MEAN, IN THEIR
OWN WARPED MINDS...

FOR WANTING TO GET
BACK AT OUR COMPANY.

HOW MANY NAMES
YOU GOT ON THIS LIST?

OH, ABOUT 2,300.

HMM. THAT'S MORE THAN SANTA HAS.

THERE'S A LOT OF
DISTURBED PEOPLE OUT THERE.

WHEW!

I SHOULD SAY SO.

JUST COME RIGHT,
COME IN, COME ON.

HI, BARN. GOT A ROBBERY VICTIM.

WHERE?

RIGHT THERE.

FOUND HER SPRAWLED
IN THE STREET.

SOME CREEP CAME ALONG
AND KNOCKED HER DOWN,

TOOK ONE OF HER BAGS.

OKAY, COME... COME IN.

SHE'S ONE OF THOSE
SHOPPING-BAG LADIES.

THEY LIVE OUT THERE.
THEY DON'T HAVE A HOME.

THEY LIVE IN THE
STREET OR IN AN ALLEY.

SHE'S BEEN LIVING
IN THAT DOORWAY

RIGHT NEXT TO
COTTERMAN'S LIQUOR STORE.

YOU ALL RIGHT, MA'AM?

I'M CAPTAIN MILLER.

WE'LL DO WHAT WE
CAN TO GET YOUR...

PROPERTY BACK.

I think she's deaf.

WHAT?

I think she's deaf.

WHAT ARE YOU WHISPERING FOR?

I THINK SHE'S DUMB, TOO.

I MEAN, SHE CAN'T TALK.

I KNOW WHAT THE WORD MEANS.

ALL RIGHT. DO WHAT YOU CAN.

GET WHATEVER
INFORMATION YOU CAN.

WE'RE GOING OVER THERE.

SIT DOWN.

ALL RIGHT, MR. LANEER,

IF YOU'LL JUST STEP THIS WAY

AND GIVE THE REST OF YOUR
STATEMENT TO SERGEANT HARRIS.

KEPT TRYING TO GET HER TO
TALK TO ME ON THE WAY OVER HERE.

I FINALLY FIGURED
OUT SHE WAS DEAF.

SHE TALKS.

WHENEVER I GO TO COTTERMAN'S,

SHE'S ALWAYS THERE,

DISCUSSING, UH, THE
WEATHER, CURRENT EVENTS.

WHO TO?

MOSTLY THE PIGEONS.

YOU KNOW, STUDIES
DONE ON THESE WOMEN

HAVE FOUND THAT, OFTEN,
THEY'RE WHOLLY UNRESPONSIVE

TO OUTSIDE OVERTURES.

THEY EXIST TOTALLY IN
THEIR OWN FANTASY LAND.

IT REQUIRES A SUBTLE AND
PSYCHOLOGICAL APPROACH

TO GET THROUGH TO THEM.

WELL, THEN WHY DON'T YOU TRY IT?

HEY, LADY?

LADY?

I GAVE IT MY BEST SHOT.

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OKAY, THEN, DATE OF BIRTH?

HOW OLD ARE YOU?

COME ON, WHEN WERE YOU BORN?

PROBLEMS, WOJO?

WELL, SO FAR, THE ONLY
THING I'VE BEEN ABLE

TO GET ON THE REPORT IS "SEX."

VERY GOOD.

BARN.

I CAN GET THROUGH
TO HER, I KNOW IT.

IT'S JUST A MATTER OF A
LITTLE TIME AND PATIENCE.

UH, AT THE MOMENT, WOJO,

YOU'VE GOT AN ATTEMPTED
ESCAPE IN PROGRESS.

WAIT, HOLD IT. NO, WAIT.

I'M NOT DONE YET.

COME ON. JUST...

GO AND SIT DOWN, ALL RIGHT?

I MEAN, UH, I'M NOT
TRYING TO HURT YOU.

I'M TRYING TO HELP YOU.

JUST HER WAY OF SAYING "THANKS."

AH, SO ANYTHING STOLEN?

NO, NOT SO FAR AS WE COULD TELL,

BUT HE TURNED OVER
TABLES, BROKE TEST TUBES,

AND DESTROYED THE PRODUCTS
WE'VE BEEN WORKING ON.

AND WHAT PRODUCTS ARE THOSE?

THERE'S ALL SORTS.

THERE'S ANTIFREEZE AND
ROACH KILLERS AND SOFT DRINKS.

YOU MAKE SODA POP, TOO?

YES.

NOW PUT THAT BACK.

THAT'S POLICE PROPERTY.

GEE!

WHAT'D YOU DO WITH MY BASEBALL?

COME ON, MY
BASEBALL, WHERE IS IT?

I THINK I HAVE IT.

OH.

WELL, GIVE IT BACK TO ME.

HEY, NICE MOVE.

OH, WELL, THANKS.

I, UH, I USED TO, UH,
PITCH A LITTLE IN SCHOOL.

HAD A 1.6 EARNED RUN AVERAGE.

USED TO BAT .420.

NO KIDDING.

YEAH. HAD AN OFFER
FROM THE METS.

AND YOU WOUND UP WITH
A TOILET-PAPER COMPANY?

YEAH, WELL... YOU
KNOW HOW MOTHERS ARE.

YEAH.

WE THROUGH HERE?

UH, YEAH. UH-HUH.

OH, HEY, CAPTAIN?

I'VE GIVEN YOUR OFFICE
ALL THE INFORMATION I CAN.

NOW THE REST IS
GONNA BE UP TO YOU.

UH, LOOK HERE... DO YOU
MAKE THE KIND OF SODA

THAT COMES IN
THOSE POP-TOP CANS?

- IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE?
- NOPE.

YEAH, LOOK, WHAT I WANT TO
KNOW IS HOW COME THEM SUCKERS

IS ALWAYS SNAPPIN'
OFF IN YOUR HAND,

AND THEN YOU END UP
WITH A BUNCH OF JUNK

AND NO WAY TO GET AT IT?

JUST SOMETHING THAT
HAD TO BE SAID, BARN.

AFTERNOON. MANPOWER REPORTS.

I'M SURE YOU COULD USE
SOME MORE HELP UP HERE,

BUT THAT'S ANOTHER SUBJECT.

I'LL TAKE A LOOK.

Wojo: LOOK, YOU GOT
TO TALK SOMETIME.

I MEAN, YOU WANT TO BACK
THERE OUT ON THE STREET?

WHAT'D SHE DO?

HOOKER.

THOUGHT SO.

UH, BARNEY?

UH, BARNEY, I GOT A
COUPLE OF POSSIBILITIES

- ON OUR HAWK.
- OH, GOOD, WHAT HAVE YOU GOT?

OH, UH, IT'S JUST SOME, UH,

SOME GUYS WHO HAVE
BEEN, UH, BUSTED BEFORE

FOR HARASSING CORPORATIONS...
YOU KNOW, POWER COMPANIES.

SAD CASE.

YEAH, BARNEY.

THEY'RE SUCH TRAGIC CASES,
THOSE LADIES, YOU KNOW?

AND YOU SEE THEM
ALL THE TIME, YOU KNOW,

SITTING IN DOORWAYS ALL ALONE.

THOSE TACKY OLD DRESSES.

LOOKING AT YOU LIKE A LOST DOG.

- I KNOW.
- YEAH.

BARN, YOU KNOW, THEY CAN
REALLY BLOW YOUR WHOLE DAY.

SHE'S PICKING
THROUGH THAT TRASH.

WHY ARE THEY ALWAYS
PICKING THROUGH THE TRASH?

NICK, WOULD YOU
KEEP AN EYE ON HER?

- SURE.
- THANK YOU.

WOULD YOU CARE
FOR A CUP OF COFFEE?

EVERYBODY SAYS THAT.

SHE STILL WON'T TALK, HUH?

I TRIED EVERYTHING BUT
PUTTING A GUN TO HER HEAD.

GOT ANY IDENTIFICATION ON HER?

LIKE A DRIVER'S LICENSE?

LIKE A SOCIAL SECURITY
CARD, A LETTER, ANYTHING?

SHE'S GOT A TATTOO.

WHERE?

ON THE PALM OF HER HAND.

WHAT'S IT SAY?

MOTHER.

THAT'S IT?

NO, THERE'S MORE, BUT
IT'S COVERED WITH DIRT.

Dietrich: CAPTAIN?

DISPATCH JUST GOT A CALL
FROM, UH, McMILLAN CHEMICAL.

SOMEBODY'S OUT ON THE
LEDGE OF THE 40th FLOOR.

DOING WHAT?

HE'S WRITING ON THE
SIDE OF THE BUILDING.

OH, HE'S NOT A JUMPER?

UNLESS IT'S A SUICIDE NOTE.

YOU AND NICK.

- LET'S GO, NICK.
- OKAY.

GEEZ. YOU CALL THIS COFFEE?

WHO ASKED YOU?

AND, UH, THE GUY
WAS, UH, ABOUT 25,

AND HE WAS ABOUT
MY HEIGHT, RIGHT?

YEAH, BUT NOT YOUR BUILD.

HE WAS SKINNY.

NOT ENOUGH MEAT ON HIM.

RIGHT.

NEVER DID LIKE SKINNY MEN.

LIKE CHEWING ON A BONE.

I GOT TO KNOW HOW OLD YOU ARE.

61.

I TURNED 45 IN '61.

45 IN '61.

61...

THAT'S 61.

YEAH.

RIGHT.

ME AND MY LATE HUSBAND

WENT ON A CRUISE TO
BERMUDA THAT YEAR.

UH, LAST PERMANENT ADDRESS?

I'M SAVING UP TO
TAKE ANOTHER TRIP.

MAYBE NEXT WINTER.

THAT SOUNDS NICE.

WANT TO GO?

UH, ME?

UH... NO, I GOT TO WORK.

THEY'RE THE ONES
YOU WANT TO ARREST!

THEY'RE THE ONES
WHO OUGHT TO BE IN JAIL!

DON'T ARREST ME, FOR
GOD'S SAKE. I'M ON YOUR SIDE.

JUST TAKE IT EASY.

THIS IS MR. ALVIN
TRAGER, CAPTAIN.

THIS IS OUR HAWK?

UH-HUH. HE'S A WINDOW
WASHER FOR THE BUILDING.

AND I SEEN IT ALL...

THE MIDNIGHT CONFERENCES,
THE SECRET SHREDDINGS.

THEY'RE ALL MANIACS!
JUST TAKE IT EASY.

NEVER IN MY WHOLE
LIFE HAVE I SEEN

SUCH OBSCENITY AND
FILTH ON A BUILDING.

HOW LONG YOU BEEN OUT OF TOWN?

THAT'S EVIDENCE.

THAT'S PROOF OF HOW
THEY'RE POISONING US.

THESE ARE THE PROPERTY
OF McMILLAN CHEMICAL,

AND WE'D LIKE THEM BACK.

YOU'RE KILLING US
WITH YOUR CHEMICALS.

HEY, HEY, I'M JUST A LAWYER.

THEY'RE KILLING US
WITH THEIR LAWYERS, TOO!

TAKE IT EASY.

IT'S EVIDENCE, MR. LANEER.
IT'S BEEN IMPOUNDED.

BUT, UH, EVERYONE'S
RIGHTS WILL BE RESPECTED.

IN THE MEANTIME, WHY
DON'T YOU HAVE A SEAT,

AND SERGEANT HARRIS WILL
HELP YOU SWEAR OUT A COMPLAINT.

I WANT TO FILL OUT
A COMPLAINT, TOO!

DIETRICH WILL BE
GLAD TO HELP YOU.

HAVE A SEAT, MR. TRAGER.

YOU HEARD ABOUT THE DVCP?

THE MEN WHO WORKED IN THE
PLANTS WHERE THEY MAKE IT?

NOW THEY FIND OUT
THEY CAN'T HAVE CHILDREN.

THEY'RE ALL STERILE!

TAKE IT EASY, WILL YOU?

DOESN'T ANYBODY CARE?

HOW WOULD YOU
LIKE TO BE IMPOTENT?

OH, NO, THANKS.

HEY, BARNEY.

YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN
WHAT HE WAS DOING UP THERE.

HE WAS SPRAY-PAINTING A LETTER
ON EACH ONE OF THE WINDOWS.

IT WAS LIKE A GIANT,
FILTHY CROSSWORD PUZZLE.

PEOPLE LOVE WORD GAMES.

I COPIED IT DOWN, YOU
KNOW, FOR THE EVIDENCE.

THANK YOU.

WE CAUGHT HIM, UH, BEFORE
HE WAS QUITE FINISHED.

YOU CAN SEE THAT
HE WAS IN THE MIDDLE

OF A 7-WINDOW WORD ON
THE 39th FLOOR, ACROSS.

VERY GOOD.

I'LL, UH, FILL IT IN MYSELF.

THEY'RE MURDERERS.
DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?

THEY'RE FOULING
EVERYTHING THEY TOUCH...

THE RIVERS, THE
OCEANS, THE SKY ITSELF!

THE MAN IS OUT OF HIS MIND.

WE ARE ONE OF THE MOST

ECOLOGICALLY RESPONSIBLE
COMPANIES IN THIS WHOLE STATE.

EVERY LIVING THING YOU
SEE IS COVERED WITH FILTH

AND STINKS OF CONTAMINATION!

HE'S JUST SPEAKING
FIGURATIVELY, MRS. HIRSCH.

BARN, I CAN'T LET HER GO
BACK THERE OUT ON THE STREET.

WHA... WHA... WHAT'S SHE
GONNA DO WHEN WINTER COMES?

I THOUGHT YOU WERE
TAKING HER TO BERMUDA.

I AIN'T GOING TO BERMUDA.

WOJO, I'VE GOT JUST
AS MUCH COMPASSION

FOR THE LADY AS YOU DO.

BUT I HAVE RESPECT FOR
HER AS A PERSON WITH DIGNITY

AND THE RIGHT TO CHOOSE
THE WAY SHE WANTS TO LIVE.

IT'S JUST THAT I...

I FEEL LIKE, UH, IF
I COULD HELP HER,

IT WOULD MAKE UP FOR IT.

MAKE UP FOR WHAT?

WELL...

I GUESS IT HAS, SORT OF,
TO DO WITH MY MOTHER.

YOU KNOW, I MEAN, I
CAUSED HER A LOT OF PAIN.

WOJO, WE ALL DO... GROWING UP.

NO, I'M... I'M TALKING
ABOUT AT BIRTH.

I WEIGHED 11 1/2 POUNDS.

MY MOTHER WAS IN
LABOR FOR 13 HOURS.

WOJO, THAT'S NOT YOUR FAULT.

OF COURSE IT IS.

Nick: BARNEY?

WE GOT A PROBLEM.

ANOTHER STEP,
AND I'LL DRINK THIS.

I WAS TAKING HIM TO THE CAGE.
HE GRABBED IT OFF NICK'S DESK.

WHAT IS IT?

ANOTHER FINE POISON

FROM THE KITCHENS
OF McMILLAN CHEMICAL.

TAKE IT EASY,
MR. TRAGER. TAKE IT EASY.

MR. LANEER, IS IT POSSIBLE

THAT WHAT MR. TRAGER
IS HOLDING IS POISONOUS?

OF COURSE NOT.

YOU'RE SURE?

WELL, I MEAN,

THERE'S MILLIONS OF
CHEMICALS IN THE LAB.

YOU'RE NOT SURE?

I DON'T KNOW.

MY DEATH WILL BE
THE ULTIMATE PROOF.

AAH! DON'T MOVE. I'LL SWALLOW.

I'M NOT MOVING. NOBODY'S MOVING.

AFTERNOON MAIL, GENTLEMEN.

NOT NOW, LEVITT.

HAVE I COME AT A BAD TIME, SIR?

MR. TRAGER'S THREATENING
TO KILL HIMSELF.

I BETTER HOLD THE
MAIL FOR A WHILE.

- GOOD IDEA.
- JUST HANG LOOSE.

PARDON THE EXPRESSION.

MR. TRAGER, THIS IS NOT
GONNA ACCOMPLISH ANYTHING.

YOU CAN'T DO THAT.

WHY NOT?

BECAUSE IT DOESN'T
BELONG TO YOU.

LAWYERS... YOU'RE
WORSE THAN ALL THE REST.

LOOK, YOU DON'T
HAVE TO BE ABUSIVE.

MR. LANEER, PLEASE.

I HATE LAWYERS!

WELL, DON'T BLAME
ME. BLAME MY MOTHER.

THE TWO OF YOU,
NOW JUST CUT IT OUT.

MR. TRAGER?

GIVE ME THE TUBE.

SURE.

WOJO, CALL BELLEVUE. WE'RE
GONNA NEED AN AMBULANCE.

HARRIS, DIETRICH?

YEAH, BARN?

WHAT IS IT?!

DOESN'T MATTER.
I'M AS GOOD AS DEAD.

YOU'RE NOT GONNA
DIE IN MY SQUAD ROOM

IF I GOT TO SQUEEZE
THAT STUFF OUT OF YOU.

SIT DOWN!

DIETRICH, GET SOME WATER.
MAYBE WE CAN DILUTE THE STUFF.

UH, BARN, THEY NEED
TO KNOW WHAT IT IS.

WHAT IS IT?!

FOOD COLORING!

IT'S FOOD... COLORING.

WITH RED DYE #2.

I'LL BE DEAD FROM
CANCER IN 30 YEARS.

IT'LL BE ON YOUR HEAD.

PUT HIM IN THE CAGE.

RIGHT. COME ON.

UH, CAPTAIN, LOOK. I'VE
SIGNED THE COMPLAINT.

IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE?

THAT'S IT, MR. LANEER.

YOU KNOW, I, UH...

I REALLY DO ENJOY
BEING IN THE LAW.

I'M SURE IT HAS ITS REWARDS.

'CAUSE, YOU KNOW, BASEBALL...
WHAT CAN YOU EXPECT?

HOPEFULLY YOU MAKE THE
MAJORS, MAYBE BE IN A SERIES.

BUT YOU SEE, ON THE
OTHER HAND, IN LAW,

YOU CAN GO ALL THE WAY AND
END UP ON THE SUPREME COURT.

YOU KNOW, RESPECTED,
REVERED, INFLUENTIAL.

THAT'S TRUE.

OF COURSE,

WARREN BURGER WILL NEVER
BE ON A BUBBLE-GUM CARD.

THAT'S TRUE, TOO.

YEAH. WELL, GOODBYE.

WELL?

WELL, WHAT?

DO I GO NOW?

JUST...

YEAH, YOU CAN GO NOW.

LISTEN, NOW, WAIT A MINUTE.

YOU, UH, YOU TAKE
CARE OF YOURSELF.

UH, DRESS... DRESS WARM,

AND, UH, REMEMBER TO EAT.

YEAH.

YOU, TOO.

GOOD LUCK, MRS. HIRSCH.

THIS HERE BELONGS TO YOU.

UH, KATIE.

UH, KEEP IT.

YOU KNOW, IT CAN BE
A SORT OF A, UH, UH...

KEEPSAKE?

YEAH.

BUT NO BERMUDA?

NO.

ARE YOU STILL WORKING ON THAT?

I ALMOST HAD IT ALL,

BUT I'M STUCK WITH THIS
WORD ACROSS THE 42nd FLOOR.

I THOUGHT I KNEW EVERY
DIRTY WORD THERE WAS,

BUT NOTHING SEEMS TO FIT.

WHATEVER IT IS, IT'S
PROBABLY SOMETHING

THAT ONLY A TWISTED AND
DEMENTED MIND WOULD COME UP WITH.

ANY IDEAS?

IT FITS.