Barney Miller (1975–1982): Season 4, Episode 3 - Bugs - full transcript

Recording devices discovered in the precinct may have come from Internal Affairs or the White House.

ANOTHER ONE. ANOTHER DARN THING.

GOT YOU!

WOJO?

I'M UNDER THE DESK.

DO YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT?

IT'S THESE COCKROACHES...
THEY'RE DRIVING ME CRAZY.

ACTUALLY, THE COCKROACH
IS A REMARKABLE CREATURE,

EXISTING ON EARTH
SINCE THE SILURIAN AGE,

OVER 400 MILLION YEARS AGO.

FASCINATING.

HE'S ONE OF THE MOST
DURABLE AND ADAPTIVE



OF ALL LIVING THINGS.

AND HE PLAYS A VITAL ROLE

IN MAINTAINING THE
DELICATE ECOLOGICAL BALANCE

THAT'S NECESSARY TO SUSTAIN
LIFE ON OUR FRAGILE PLANET.

GOT THAT SUCKER.

WOJO, THAT GREENBERG
REPORT FINISHED?

YEAH, IT'S RIGHT...

UH...

I GUESS I'LL HAVE TO RETYPE IT.

ALL THE BUGS IN YOUR
BATHROOM ARE DEAD.

THANK YOU, MR. KELLER.

DON'T MENTION IT. THEY
WERE DEAD ALREADY.

WHAT ABOUT THE BUGS
IN MY SQUAD ROOM?

OH, I GOT TO REMOVE SOME
OF THE MOLDING OVER THERE,



AND IN A COUPLE OF HOURS,

THERE WILL BE NOTHING IN
THIS ROOM THAT CAN MOVE.

I HOPE YOU'RE REFERRING
TO THE INSECTS.

WHAT DO YOU THINK...
I SPRAY PEOPLE?

I'M A PROFESSIONAL.

A SMALL ATTEMPT AT HUMOR.

YOU KNOW, I GOT THE
POWER OF LIFE AND DEATH

OVER THESE CREATURES.

THEY LIVE IN FEAR OF ME ALONE.

I'M THEIR GOD, THEIR MASTER.

THERE'S ANOTHER ONE.

GOD.

I'LL BE RIGHT THERE.

I WAS JUST MAKING CONVERSATION.

I MEAN, THERE'S
NOTHING ILLEGAL...

WHY DON'T YOU TRY AND
KEEP IT DOWN, LADIES?

"LADIES"... WHAT IS
THAT SUPPOSED TO BE...

SOME KIND OF SARCASTIC REMARK?

LOOK, THERE WAS NO
SARCASM INTENDED,

BUT I CAN SEE YOUR POINT.

MISS CAPSHAW, A
PLEASURE, AS USUAL.

AH, MISS DUQUETTE.

DYNAMITE TO SEE
YOU AGAIN, CAPTAIN.

UH, THEY WERE SOLICITING
AT LAFAYETTE AND 12th.

I WAS WAITING FOR A BUS.

AND SHE CAN HANDLE ONE.

AND THIS IS...

OH, UH, YES, THIS
IS ROBERTA KERLIN.

CAPTAIN MILLER.

HOW ARE YOU?

FINE. THANK YOU. HOW ARE YOU?

FINE, JUST FINE.

LADIES, YOU ALL KNOW
THE PROCEDURES.

MISS DUQUETTE, IF
YOU'LL HAVE A SEAT

OVER THERE WITH SERGEANT HARRIS.

AND, MISS CAPSHAW,

POLLY, YOU WORK SO WELL
WITH SERGEANT YEMANA,

CAN WE ASK YOU TO SIT OVER HERE?

CAN'T I JUST PAY
MY TICKET AND GO?

TICKET?

I JUST THOUGHT... I REALLY
CAN'T STAY TOO LONG.

BEAR WITH US, MS.
KERLIN. BEAR WITH US.

HEY, BARNEY, IS HE GONNA
SPRAY THE WHOLE ROOM?

WE GOT ROACHES
ALL OVER THE PLACE.

OH.

YOU SOUND LIKE YOU'RE
GONNA MISS THEM.

A LITTLE.

NICK, THEY'RE FILTHY,
SLIMY, DIRTY LITTLE THINGS.

YEAH, BUT THEY KIND
OF GROW ON YOU.

AND ONE OF THEM ALWAYS
CRAWLS UP THAT LEG AND... AND...

WHILE I'M MAKING
COFFEE IN THE MORNING,

AND TRIES TO STEAL
A CUBE OF SUGAR.

THAT'S ABOUT AS CLOSE AS
I'VE EVER COME TO HAVING A PET.

Mr. Keller: CAPTAIN?

YEAH?

I'M SORRY.

I, UH, SPRAYED OVER
YOUR MICROPHONE.

MICROPHONE?

I DON'T USUALLY MAKE MISTAKES.

I DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS THERE.

NEITHER DID WE.

HEY, LOOK, I MEAN,

WHO WOULD BE INTERESTED
IN WHAT GOES ON IN HERE?

NOBODY.

THEN WHAT'S IT DOING THERE?

I DON'T KNOW. IT...

LOOK, IT PROBABLY HASN'T
BEEN OPERATIONAL IN YEARS,

PROBABLY LEFT OVER FROM
SOME OLD INVESTIGATION.

OR SOME NEW ONE.

THERE IS NO NEW ONE.

THAT WE KNOW ABOUT.

LOOK, LET US NOT READ

ANY MELODRAMATIC
IMPLICATIONS INTO THIS.

WE HAVE SIMPLY MADE A DISCOVERY

THAT IS A TRIFLE... TERRIFYING.

DISCONCERTING.

IN ANY CASE, IT'S
DISCONNECTED NOW.

THERE'S NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT.

LET'S JUST FORGET ABOUT IT, HUH?

UNLESS THERE ARE OTHERS.

THANK YOU.

UH, BARNEY, MAYBE WE
BETTER HAVE A LOOK AROUND

AND SEE IF WE CAN FIND ANY
MORE OF THE LITTLE DEVILS.

HARRIS, COME ON.

WELL, BUT, BARNEY, THEY'RE
NOT GONNA PUT IN JUST ONE.

HE'S RIGHT.

ALL RIGHT, IF IT'LL MAKE
YOU FEEL ANY BETTER.

BUT JUST HAVE A
CASUAL LOOK AROUND

IN THE NORMAL
COURSE OF YOUR DUTIES.

RIGHT.

I DON'T THINK YOU'RE
GONNA FIND ANYTHING.

IT WAS JUST A THOUGHT.

WOJO.

HEY, BARN, I WAS JUST...

WOJO, YOU'RE LETTING
THIS GET THE BEST OF YOU.

BARN, I JUST DON'T THINK IT'S
ANYBODY ELSE'S DAMN BUSINESS

WHAT THE HELL WE TALK
ABOUT AROUND HERE.

THAT'S RIGHT. IT'S LIKE "1984."

OR 1942.

NOW, LOOK, I UNDERSTAND

THAT YOU ALL FEEL YOUR
PRIVACY HAS BEEN INVADED.

WELL, I FEEL THAT WAY,
TOO. I FEEL THE SAME WAY.

IT'S JUST THAT I CAN'T SEE
THAT THERE IS ANY... ANYTHING

TO BE GAINED BY OVERREACTING.

- Keller: CAPTAIN.
- YES?

I FOUND ANOTHER
MICROPHONE... OVER YOUR DESK.

EXCUSE ME.

HEY, CAN'T YOU WRITE ME UP?
I WANT TO GET OUT OF HERE.

I GOT TO LOOK UNDER
YOUR CHAIR FIRST.

HEY, LISTEN.

YOU WRITE ME UP FIRST,
THEN WE'LL TALK ABOUT IT.

- BARNEY?
- YEAH.

HOW MANY OF THEM
DID YOU FIND IN THERE?

HOW MANY WHAT?

BUGS IN YOUR OFFICE.

JUST THE ONE,
HARRIS. JUST THE ONE.

JUST... THERE WAS NO...

DID YOU CHECK ON OUR GUESTS?

UH, YEAH, SURE. IT WAS
JUST THE USUAL STUFF.

DUQUETTE AND CAPSHAW
ARE BOTH ON PROBATION.

NO WARRANTS.

HOW ABOUT THE OTHER ONE?

SHE'S CLEAN. SHE'S NEVER
BEEN ARRESTED BEFORE.

- NOTHING, BARNEY.
- THANK YOU.

WHAT... AH, STUPID.

WHAT?

I MEAN, SOMEBODY TRYING
TO PICK UP INFORMATION

ON A MAN LIKE YOU.

IF THEY ARE.

IF THEY ARE.

BARNEY, LOOK, YOU HAVE HONESTY,

YOU HAVE INTEGRITY,
YOU HAVE SENSITIVITY.

YOU'RE DEDICATED AND
DEVOTED TO YOUR JOB.

THANK YOU, HARRIS.

SOMETIMES I DON'T
BELIEVE YOU MYSELF.

LOOK, I DON'T LIKE THE
IMPLICATIONS OF THIS THING

ANY MORE THAN YOU DO.

BUT I INTEND TO BEHAVE IN A
BUSINESS-AS-USUAL MANNER,

AND I SUGGEST YOU DO THE SAME.

SURE.

THERE'S NO ONE LISTENING TO US.

HELLO?

EXCUSE ME, BUT WHAT
HAPPENED TO THE OFFICER

WHO WAS WAITING ON ME?

HE MUST HAVE STEPPED OUT, MA'AM,

BUT I'M SURE HE'LL BE
BACK VERY SHORTLY.

I'LL JUST PAY THE FINE
NOW. HOW MUCH IS IT?

I HAVEN'T THE SLIGHTEST IDEA.

I HAVE $73, AND IF
THAT'S NOT ENOUGH,

I HAVE A MILLION CREDIT CARDS.

MS. KERLIN...

I HAVE AMERICAN
EXPRESS, DINERS CLUB.

UH, WE DON'T TAKE THOSE.

BLOOMINGDALE'S.

NOT EVEN THAT ONE.

WHAT KIND OF PLACE IS THIS?!

BLOOMINGDALE'S... THERE'S
NO PLACE IN NEW YORK

THAT DOESN'T TAKE
A BLOOMINGDALE'S!

JUST TAKE IT EASY, MS. KERLIN.

WE DO NOT IMPOSE THE FINES.

THAT'S THE BUSINESS
OF THE COURT.

COURT? I HAVE TO GO TO COURT?

POSSIBLY.

OH, MY GOD.

OH, GOD.

THAT'S A NICE PICTURE.

WHAT?

IS THAT YOUR FAMILY?

NO.

LOOKS JUST LIKE YOU.

I SUPPOSE IT IS.

THAT YOUR HUSBAND AND CHILDREN?

THAT'S BILL, MY HUSBAND,
THE ONE WITH THE SNIDE LOOK.

THAT'S BILLY JR., 13, TRACY, 11.

THOSE ARE THE TWINS.

THEY'RE 18 MONTHS.

FOUR KIDS... CONGRATULATIONS.

YOU'VE CERTAINLY
KEPT YOUR FIGURE.

WELL, YOU KNOW,
IN MY BUSINESS...

MRS. KERLIN...

THIS IS THE FIRST TIME YOU'VE
EVER DONE THIS, ISN'T IT?

FIRST TIME?

THAT'S A LAUGH.

YOU CAN GO CRAZY IN
CONNECTICUT, YOU KNOW?

IRONIC, ISN'T IT?

WHAT'S THAT?

4 MILLION MEN IN NEW YORK,

AND THE FIRST GUY WHO
PROPOSITIONS ME IS A COP.

BEGINNER'S LUCK.

TELL ME... DOES YOUR HUSBAND
KNOW YOU'RE IN NEW YORK?

NO, HE THINKS
I'M IN THE KITCHEN.

AFTER THE TWINS, I
JOGGED FOR SEVEN MONTHS,

YOU KNOW, TO TIGHTEN UP.

I FIGURE I RAN AROUND
THE WORLD TWICE.

DID HE NOTICE? NO.

DID HE LOOK? NO.

I JUST WANTED SOMEBODY
SOMEWHERE TO LOOK.

MUST BE A BETTER WAY
OF ATTRACTING ATTENTION.

MAYBE.

YOU KNOW, IT'S AMATEURS LIKE HER

THAT'S OUT THERE
GLUTTING UP THE MARKET

AND BRINGING THE PRICES DOWN.

UH...

THERE ARE SOME
AREAS, MRS. KERLIN,

THAT ARE, UH, BETTER
LEFT TO THE PROFESSIONALS.

HEAR, HEAR.

- HEY, BARN.
- YO.

FIND ANY MORE BUGS YET?

NO, WOJO, WE HAVEN'T
FOUND ANY MORE BUGS YET.

DOESN'T MEAN THEY'RE NOT THERE.

THAT'S TRUE.

WHAT CAN WE DO ABOUT IT?

WHAT DO YOU SUGGEST, WOJO?

SHOULD I GET ON THE
PHONE TO INTERNAL AFFAIRS

AND SAY "HI, THERE.
CAPTAIN MILLER HERE.

"UH, ME AND THE
BOYS AT THE OLD 1-2,

WE WERE KIND OF WONDERING
YOU YOU WERE OUT TO GET US."

YOU'D THINK THEY'D
TELL US IF THEY WERE?

NEVER HURTS TO ASK.

TRACY?

HI, IT'S MOMMY.

LISTEN, TRACY,

MOTHER IS GOING TO BE STUCK
IN THE CITY FOR A LITTLE WHILE,

SO IF YOUR FATHER
GETS HOME BEFORE ME,

JUST TELL HIM I'M OUT.

HE'S THERE? NO,
TRACY, DON'T GO GET HIM.

TRACY! HELLO?

TRACY! TRACY!

OH, HI, BILL.

HOW ARE YOU?

YEAH, I'M GONNA BE
TIED UP IN TOWN HERE.

WELL, IT'S A LITTLE
BIT HARD TO EXPLAIN.

DON'T JUMP ON ME.

I'M HERE.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN "WHERE"?

NO, I DON'T WANT YOU
TO COME AND GET ME.

NO, PLEASE.

DON'T GET ABUSIVE.

WELL, ALL RIGHT,
IF YOU MUST KNOW...

I'M AT THE 12th PRECINCT.

IT'S JUST A POLICE STATION.

JUST AN ORDINARY POLICE STATION.

NO!

NO, PLEASE, DON'T COME.
I'LL BE HOME IN A LITTLE WHILE.

PLEASE, BILL, NO!

BILL?

BILL?

BILL?

GOOD AFTERNOON, MEN.

HI, BARNEY.

Barney: INSPECTOR.

HEY, BOYS DOWNSTAIRS TELL ME

YOU GOT A ROOMFUL
OF COOTIES UP HERE.

YEAH, THEY'RE PRETTY
MUCH GONE BY NOW.

ONLY THREE OF THEM LEFT, HUH?

THEY WERE REFERRING TO
BUGS, INSPECTOR, ROACHES.

YEAH. OLD PRECINCT
CRAWLERS, BARNEY.

YOU KNOW HOW WE USED TO
GET RID OF THEM IN THE OLD DAYS?

TAKE A LIGHTED
CIGARETTE BUTT, SEE,

GIVE THEM A LITTLE
ZZZHT! ON THEIR RUMPS.

THEN THEY'D SCOOT
AROUND THE FLOOR

TILL THEY BANGED
THEIR HEADS INTO A WALL,

KNOCKED THEIR LITTLE BRAINS OUT.

IS THAT A FACT?

YEAH, OH, THEY'RE DUMB
BUGS, THEM COCKROACHES.

I'D LIKE TO KNOW HOW WE
GET RID OF THE OTHER KIND.

THE KIND THAT, UH...

SAY AGAIN?

UNFORTUNATELY, INSPECTOR,

WE'VE DISCOVERED A COUPLE OF
ELECTRONIC LISTENING DEVICES.

THIS ONE CAME
FROM OVER THE CAGE.

OH, I DON'T BELIEVE
IT, BARNEY, HUH?

WHO'D... WHO'D WANT TO SLAP
A SURVEILLANCE ON YOU GUYS?

I HAVE NO IDEA.

COULD BE, UH, INTERNAL AFFAIRS.

INTERNAL AFFAIRS?

INTERNAL AFFAIRS?

I SAID IT'S PROBABLY FROM
SOME OLD INVESTIGATION.

OLD INVESTIGATION?

I HOPE NOT.

I MEAN, BARNEY, I MEAN, EVEN...

EVEN IF THESE THINGS
ARE STILL WORKING,

YOU COULD RECORD ANY
WORD SPOKEN IN THIS ROOM,

AND NOT ONE PERSON

WOULD HAVE ANYTHING
THEY'RE TO BE ASHAMED OF

OR THEY'D HAVE TO ANSWER FOR.

RIGHT, MEN?

THAT'S RIGHT.

RIGHT.

AH!

WHAT BRINGS YOU
DOWN HERE, INSPECTOR?

OH, UH, LET'S... LET'S TALK IN
YOUR OFFICE, HUH, BARNEY?

I TELL YOU, BARNEY,
THERE AIN'T NOTHING

I'D PUT PAST THEM...
THEM HEADHUNTERS.

INSPECTOR, AT THE MOMENT,
THIS IS PURE SPECULATION.

NO, NO, I KNOW ALL ABOUT
THEM BLUENOSED TWERPS.

YOU KNOW, THEY'VE
BEEN TRYING TO GET ME

FOR 20 YEARS, BARNEY.

YOU KNOW WHY?

THAT'S BECAUSE THEY'RE JEALOUS.

THAT'S WHAT... JEALOUS OF
MY AUTHORITY, MY POSITION.

THEY'RE JEALOUS OF THE
RESPECT AND ADMIRATION I GET

FROM EVERY MAN IN MY COMMAND.

IT'S THE PRICE YOU PAY.

YEAH, ALWAYS SUCKING
AROUND, YOU KNOW,

TRYING TO FIND SOME LITTLE
THING TO TWIST AND TURN

AND MISCONSTRUE INTO
SOMETHING IMPROPER.

SNOOPING INTO YOUR
FINANCIAL AFFAIRS,

- INVESTIGATING MY SEX LIFE.
- INSPECTOR...

ALWAYS TRYING TO FIND SOME
LITTLE CHINK IN YOUR ARMOR.

INSPECTOR, I THINK THERE'S
SOMETHING I SHOULD TELL YOU.

THERE'S SOMETHING I
SHOULD TELL YOU, BARNEY.

I'M NOT JUST GONNA
STAND HERE IDLY BY,

TWIDDLING MY THUMBS,

WHILE THE HONESTY AND
THE INTEGRITY OF YOUR MEN

IS BEING IMPUGNED

AND THE SANCTITY OF YOUR
SQUAD ROOM IS BEING VIOLATED.

NO.

NO, THEY'RE GONNA BE
HEARING FROM ME DOWNTOWN,

FROM FRANK D. LUGER...
THEM BLOODSUCKERS.

THEY MAY ALREADY
HAVE HEARD FROM YOU.

YEAH.

WE ALSO FOUND A
MICROPHONE IN HERE.

HOW ABOUT THIS WEATHER, BARNEY?

PRETTY NICE.

HUMID, THOUGH.

UH, BARNEY?

UH, EXCUSE ME.

I'M GONNA TAKE THE TACKY TRIO
DOWN FOR PICTURES AND PRINTS.

LEAVE MRS. KERLIN HERE.
I'LL TAKE CARE OF HER.

WHATEVER YOU SAY, BARNEY.

UH, CAPSHAW, DUQUETTE,

LET'S GO DOWN AND GET
SOME PICTURES AND PRINTS.

WELL, IT'S ABOUT TIME.

THIS IS, UH, DETECTIVE HARRIS.

I'LL BE STEPPING
OUT FOR A WEE BIT.

10-4.

BARNEY, I GAVE YOUR
OFFICE THE ONCE-OVER.

I THINK IT'S CLEAN IN THERE NOW.

THANK YOU, INSPECTOR.

FOUND SOME STUFF IN YOUR COUCH.

IS THIS YOUR QUARTER?

I DON'T KNOW. IT'S MY COUCH.

WELL, IF ANYBODY
PUTS IN A CLAIM FOR IT,

THEY KNOW WHERE TO FIND ME.

THINK I'LL BE RUNNING
ALONG, BARNEY.

UH, THIS IS DETECTIVE HARRIS,

RETURNING BACK FROM
PICTURES AND PRINTS.

THAT'S ENOUGH, ALREADY.

IT'S JUST MY WAY
OF COPING, BARNEY.

AND THIS IS MY WAY OF COPING.

YEAH.

UH, LADIES, YOU WANT TO
RESUME YOUR POSITIONS, PLEASE?

HEY, UH, THEY SENT ME UP HERE.

THEY SAID... ROBERTA?

HELLO, BILL.

ROBERTA?

BILL, PLEASE, DON'T
MAKE A SCENE.

WHAT THE HELL'S GOING ON
HERE?! WHO STOLE YOUR CLOTHES?!

MR. KERLIN, I'M CAPTAIN MILLER.

WHAT'S GOING ON?
WHY IS MY WIFE HERE?

WAS SHE MUGGED OR SOMETHING?

YOUR WIFE HAS BEEN DETAINED.

DETAINED? WHAT'S "DETAINED"?

ARRESTED.

ARRESTED? FOR WHAT?

WELL, ACTUALLY,
UH... SOLICITING.

SOLICITING... THAT'S
PROSTITUTION.

LOOK, THERE WERE MANY FACTORS...

- HE MUST BE KIDDING!
- BILL, LET ME EXPLAIN.

YOU WERE OUT ON THE STREET,
TRYING TO PICK UP GUYS?!

NO, GUYS WERE OUT ON THE
STREET TRYING TO PICK UP ME!

NOW, LOOK, THE TWO
OF YOU, LET'S CALM DOWN!

YOU'RE A TRAMP!

IS THAT ALL YOU
CAN DO... CRITICIZE?

LOOK, THERE WERE
MITIGATING CIRCUMSTANCES...

SHE'S A TRAMP, HUH?
HUH, THAT AIN'T A TRAMP?

LOOK. LOOKS LIKE A TRAMP.

ALL RIGHT, LET'S JUST
GIVE IT TO HIM STRAIGHT.

- MRS. KERLIN.
- NO, NO, NO, NO.

LET'S JUST TELL HIM LIKE IT IS.

THEY FINALLY GOT ME, BILLY BOY.

THEY FINALLY BUSTED
THE HOTTEST PROPERTY

THIS SIDE OF THE ADIRONDACKS.

YOU THINK I SPEND
ALL MY TIME UP TO HERE

IN OATMEAL AND DIRTY SHORTS?!

HA HA HA HA!

WELL, YOU'RE WRONG!

I'M OUT THERE, SWINGING
THROUGH MANHATTAN,

KNOCKING OUT THE
MALE POPULATION,

AND THEN STUFFING THE MONEY
INTO A SWISS BANK ACCOUNT.

ALL THAT JOGGING PAID OFF, BABY.

YOU'RE NUTS.

I'M NUTS, AM I?

TELL HIM, GIRLS.

TELL HIM HOW I'M NUMBER ONE
OUT THERE ON THE EAST SIDE.

TELL HIM HOW I'M
QUEEN OF THE VILLAGE.

GO ON... TELL HIM.

THAT'S HER, BABY...

BIGGEST THING
SINCE THE HULA-HOOP.

CORNERED THE MARKET...

LEFT US GIRLS SCROUNGING
AROUND PICKING UP CRUMBS.

SO, YOU SEE, EVEN IF
YOU'RE NOT INTERESTED,

THERE ARE A LOT
OF PEOPLE WHO ARE.

I DON'T BELIEVE YOU.

YOU SEE?

TRY AND GET A
COMPLIMENT IF YOU CAN.

LISTEN, I WANT HER OUT OF HERE.

MRS. KERLIN ISN'T BEING HELD.

BUT I THOUGHT YOU SAID...

INSUFFICIENT EVIDENCE.

OH, YOU MEAN SHE
DIDN'T DO NOTHING.

IT APPEARS MRS. KERLIN'S
FIRST OPPORTUNITY

TURNED OUT TO BE
A POLICE OFFICER.

OH.

ROBERTA.

WHAT IS IT?

HE SAID WE CAN GO.

OH, YEAH, BIG DEAL.

ROBERTA...

IF THAT GUY WASN'T A
COP, WOULD YOU HAVE?

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

ROBERTA?

ROBERTA?

YOU GOT IT.

BARNEY, THEY GOT
DUQUETTE AND CAPSHAW'S

BAIL TICKETS DOWNSTAIRS.

ALL RIGHT, LADIES,
YOU'RE FREE TO GO.

ALL RIGHT!

UH, LET'S NOT FORGET TO
CHECK OUT AT THE DESK.

WELL, I GUESS I'M
GONNA BE GOING.

I'LL, UH, LOOK FORWARD
TO SEEING YOU AGAIN.

YEAH? WELL, I WOULDN'T
MIND THAT, EITHER.

I WAS SPEAKING PROFESSIONALLY.

WELL, ME TOO.

WELL, CAPTAIN, IT'S
BEEN A PLEASURE.

AS ALWAYS.

SEE YA.

UH, AND LISTEN,

I DON'T KNOW WHAT THIS
BUG STUFF IS ALL ABOUT,

BUT I JUST WANT YOU AND
ANYONE WHO MAY BE LISTENING

TO KNOW THAT THE MEN OF THE
12th ARE NUMBER ONE IN MY BOOK.

I MEANT THAT
FIGURATIVELY, OF COURSE.

WE CERTAINLY HAVE A QUIET
SQUAD ROOM TONIGHT, DON'T WE?

Better safe than sorry.

NICK, I CAN'T HEAR
YOU. SPEAK UP.

- BETTER SAFE THAN SORRY.
- THANK YOU.

AND THAT GOES FOR
THE REST OF YOU.

NOW, WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO,

SPEND THE REST OF YOUR
CAREER SPEAKING IN HUSHES?

OR TALKING TO THE PLASTER?

YOU ARE COPS. YOU ARE GOOD COPS.

YOU'VE GOT NOTHING
TO BE ASHAMED OF!

THAT'S WHAT
INSPECTOR LUGER SAID.

BUT IT SOUNDS BETTER
COMING FROM YOU, BARN.

AND, UH, TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN
AT THE OTHER END OF THOSE WIRES,

I WOULD LIKE TO MAKE
AN ANNOUNCEMENT.

WE INTEND DOING BUSINESS
AS USUAL AROUND HERE...

KEEPING THE ORDER,
PROTECTING THE PUBLIC,

AND OCCASIONALLY
MAKING A MISTAKE OR TWO!

BUT CONSIDER THIS!

YOU, TOO, MAY MAKE
AN OCCASIONAL MISTAKE,

AND SOMEBODY MAY
BE LISTENING TO YOU!

HAVE YOU THOUGHT ABOUT
THAT?! WELL, THINK ABOUT IT!

- UH, CAPTAIN.
- WHAT?

IT MIGHT INTEREST YOU TO KNOW

THAT I TRACED THE
WIRES TO THE STOREROOM.

THEY'RE ALL CHEWED UP.
THEY'RE CHEWED RIGHT THROUGH.

RATS, PROBABLY.

OH.

CORRODED, ROTTEN...

MUST HAVE BEEN THERE FOR YEARS.

ALL THAT HUGGER-MUGGER,
AND NO AUDIENCE.

IT SOUNDED GOOD, BARN.

EVEN IF NO ONE WAS LISTENING.

THANK YOU, WOJO.

IF ANYBODY WANTS
ME, I'LL BE IN MY OFFICE.

REPEAT PERFORMANCE?