Barney Miller (1975–1982): Season 4, Episode 2 - Good-Bye, Mr. Fish: Part 2 - full transcript

Fish finally reports for work but refuses to acknowledge that he is obligated to retire.

ARE YOU SURE?

YEAH, I'M SORRY. I'M SORRY.

OF COURSE YOU ARE. I...

WELL, I WOULD
APPRECIATE THAT, YES.

THANK YOU.

BARN?

8-6 SAYS THEY HAVEN'T
SEEN HIM IN BROOKLYN.

WELL, HE CAN'T JUST VANISH
OFF THE FACE OF THE EARTH.

WHAT?

BERNICE.

WHAT? WHO, WHO? WHO VANISHED
OFF THE FACE OF THE EARTH?



THE PTERODACTYL.

ABOUT 11 MILLION YEARS AGO.

WE WERE ALL JUST
TALKING ABOUT IT.

BARNEY, HAS HE SHOWN UP?

NO, HE HASN'T, BUT HE
WILL, BERNICE. HE WILL.

I'M SO WORRIED ABOUT HIM.

THE WAY HE ACTED LAST
NIGHT, AND THEN TODAY.

LAST NIGHT?

HE DIDN'T SLEEP.

HE DIDN'T SLEEP ALL
NIGHT. HE JUST WALKED.

AND THE THINGS HE SAID.

BARNEY, I'M SO FRIGHTENED.

NOW, NOW, THERE'S NOTHING
TO BE FRIGHTENED ABOUT.

Luger: ♪ FOR HE'S A
JOLLY GOOD FELLOW ♪



♪ FOR HE'S A JOLLY GOOD FELLOW ♪

♪ FOR HE'S A JOLLY GOOD... ♪

COME ON, EVERYBODY.
WHAT DO YOU SAY?

♪ FOR HE'S A JOLLY GOOD FELLOW ♪

INSPECTOR...

♪ FOR HE'S A JOLLY GOOD FELLOW ♪

♪ FOR HE'S... ♪

- WHERE'S FISH?
- HE HASN'T SHOWN UP YET.

I WAS AFRAID OF THAT.

WHY WERE YOU AFRAID OF THAT?

I GOT THE OLD GUT FEELING,

BUTTERFLIES IN THE
STOMACH, CLAMMY HANDS.

UH, INSPECTOR,
YOU KNOW MRS. FISH.

HOW DO YOU DO... OH.
MRS. FISH, OF COURSE.

HELLO. FRANK LUGER. HOW ARE YA?

WHAT DO YOU THINK HAPPENED?

NOT ONE THING HAPPENED TO HIM.

YOU TAKE MY WORD. HE'LL SHOW UP.

HE, UH...

PROBABLY GOT STUCK IN
TRAFFIC, DON'T YOU THINK, BARNEY?

- SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
- SURE.

PHIL FISH AIN'T THE KIND OF MAN

THAT'S GONNA FALL APART
IN THE FACE OF TRAGEDY.

BARNEY?

HE'S ALL RIGHT,
BERNICE. HE'S ALL RIGHT.

UH... HE PROBABLY
HAD A LOT ON HIS MIND,

AND HE WANTED TO TAKE
THE TIME TO THINK IT OUT.

JUST SIT DOWN,
RELAX. TAKE IT EASY.

MAYBE HE'S IN A HOSPITAL.

LOOK, IF ANYTHING HAD HAPPENED,
WE WOULD HAVE HEARD ABOUT IT.

YEAH, WE GOT THE WHOLE
PRECINCT OUT LOOKING FOR HIM.

NOTHING'S GONNA
HAPPEN TO HIM, MRS. F.

I GIVE YOU MY WORD.

FISH WAS ONE OF THE GREATEST
ONES, WASN'T HE, BARNEY?

RIGHT.

LAST OF A DYING BREED.

THANK YOU, INSPECTOR.

MY PLEASURE.

UH, BERNICE, WHY DON'T
YOU WAIT IN MY OFFICE?

IT'LL BE MORE
COMFORTABLE IN THERE.

GO ALONG WITH BARNEY, BERNICE.

CHANCES ARE, YOU KNOW,
SOONER OR LATER, THEY'LL...

SOONER OR LATER WHAT?
SOONER OR LATER WHAT?!

HE'LL BE HERE. HE'LL BE HERE.

I'D JUST WAIT...

SCUTCH THE NAME, HUH?

DEPRIVING A MAN OF
EARNING HIS LIVELIHOOD.

RETIREMENT'S A FACT
OF LIFE, INSPECTOR.

HMM.

HOW OLD ARE YOU?

29.

TWEN...

YEAH, UH, HIS NAME
IS FISH... PHILIP K. FISH.

HE'S 63 YEARS OLD.

BUT HE LOOKS A LOT OLDER.

BUILD?

HE HASN'T GOT ONE.

GOOD MORNING, HARRIS.

- DIETRICH.
- FISH.

BARNEY.

NICK.

FISH.

WOJO, GOOD MORNING.

GOOD MORNING, FISH.

♪ LA LA-LA LA-LA
LA, LA LA-LA LA ♪

♪ LA LA LA-LA LA ♪

♪ LA-LA LA-LA LA ♪

♪ LA LA-LA LA-LA ♪

♪ LA LA-LA ♪

♪ LA-LA LA-LA LA, LA LA ♪

WHERE DO YOU THINK
HE'S BEEN, BARN?

JUST WALKING AROUND?

I DON'T KNOW.

IT JUST SEEMS LIKE
HE'S ACTING KIND OF...

- WEIRD, YOU KNOW?
- YEAH.

FISH.

THE WAY YOU WERE
TALKING LAST NIGHT.

THE MOOD YOU WERE IN.

DON'T TALK INTO
MY NECK, BERNICE.

I'M SORRY.

WHY DIDN'T YOU CALL?

THERE WAS NO... NO REASON
FOR ME TO CALL ANYBODY.

BUT I WAS WORRIED ABOUT YOU.

WE WERE ALL A LITTLE
WORRIED ABOUT YOU, FISH.

I'M SORRY I WAS LATE, BARNEY.

I DECIDED TO WALK TO WORK TODAY.

- FROM BROOKLYN?
- YEAH.

SAFER THAN THE SUBWAY.

IF ANYTHING EVER
HAPPENED TO YOU...

WELL, WE ALL HAVE WORK TO DO.

I KNOW I DO.

- HEY, FISH...
- I KNOW YOU DO.

BERNICE, I GOT A
LOT OF WORK TO DO.

I'LL MEET YOU BACK HERE,
AND WE'LL GO HOME TOGETHER.

WONDERFUL.

5:00.

I'LL BE LOOKING FORWARD TO IT.

Sellers: I DON'T CARE
WHAT YOU DO TO ME!

THEY MAY VIOLATE THE FLESH,

BUT THEY'LL NEVER
DESTROY THE HUMAN SPIRIT!

FISH, WHAT'S THE
MATTER WITH THAT MAN?

HE'S CRAZY.

THAT'S TERRIBLE.

DON'T MAKE JUDGMENTS.

GOODBYE, EVERYBODY.
AND THANK YOU.

YOUR KIND WILL NEVER WIN!

LOOK, WOULD YOU JUST
EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, PLEASE?

CLONE.

WHAT'D HE CALL ME?

CLONE.

WHAT IS THAT, LIGHT BROWN?

A CLONE IS A PROGENY
PRODUCED WITHOUT SEX,

COPIES OF HUMAN BEINGS
ARTIFICIALLY CREATED.

WHO, ME?

WELL, I DON'T NECESSARILY
AGREE WITH THAT.

WHAT DO WE GOT HERE?

EDWARD SELLERS, CAPTAIN.

HE WAS TRYING TO PULL DOWN
THOSE SECURITY TELEVISION CAMERAS

AT HAMPTON'S SUPERMARKET.

YOU CAN'T WATCH ALL OF US!

WE'LL BEAT YOU IN THE END!

YOU CAN'T SEE INTO OUR
HEARTS AND INTO OUR SOULS.

THOSE CAMERAS ARE ONLY MEANT

TO PROTECT THE STOREOWNERS
FROM SHOPLIFTERS.

AH, COME ON, CAPTAIN...
OR WHATEVER YOU ARE.

WE KNOW WHY THEY'RE
UP THERE, DON'T WE?

TO WEED US OUT FROM THE
ONES WHO HAVE BEEN CHANGED.

TO FIND A POCKET OF RESISTANCE,

THOSE OF US WHO
ARE STILL NORMAL.

HE WAS IN A LETTUCE
BIN WHEN WE GOT HIM.

I WOULD NOT HAVE THAT OPERATION!

OPERATION?

THEY'LL HAVE TO KILL ME FIRST!

I'LL CALL THE TWINKIE-MOBILE.

HARRIS, LET'S WATCH
THOSE EUPHEMISMS, HUH?

SURE, BARNEY.

WANT ME TO BOOK HIM, CAPTAIN?

UH, NO. JUST GET
THE INFORMATION.

Fill out a transfer
slip to Bellevue.

MM-HMM.

BELLEVUE! THAT'S WHERE
THEY DO THE OPERATIONS!

TAKE IT EASY.

THAT'S WHERE THEY DO
THEIR OPERATIONS, ISN'T IT?

JUST GIVE ALL THAT INFORMATION

TO DETECTIVE DIETRICH
ABOUT THE CAMERAS.

BELLEVUE?

THIS IS HARRIS OVER AT THE 12th.

WE'VE GOT A CUSTOMER
FOR THE ENCHANTED KINGDOM.

BARNEY, DISTURBANCE AT A
LIQUOR STORE DOWN THE STREET.

ALL RIGHT. UH... HARRIS, WOJO.

I GOT IT.

WELL, YOU JUST CAME IN.

WHY DON'T YOU RELAX A WHILE?

I AM RELAXED.

WOJO.

UH, NICK.

Nick: YEAH.

I CAN'T FIND THAT FILE
I WAS WORKING ON...

THE HENNEMAN CASE.

OH, I JUST FILED IT.

YOU WANT ME TO
DIG IT OUT FOR YOU?

NO, NO, THAT'S ALL RIGHT.

I PROBABLY WON'T GET
TO IT TILL MONDAY ANYWAY.

I'M FOR TELLING HIM.

NOW JUST HOLD ON A MINUTE.

ARE YOU TRYING TO TELL
ME FISH DOESN'T KNOW

THIS IS HIS LAST DAY AT WORK?

THAT HE DOESN'T KNOW
HE'S RETIRING TODAY?

POSSIBLE.

THE WHOLE IDEA MAY BE SO PAINFUL

THAT THE MIND RELEGATES
IT TO THE SUBCONSCIOUS.

YOU SEE, HARRIS,

THE HUMAN PSYCHE CAN HANDLE

JUST SO MUCH
PAINFUL INFORMATION.

SO IT PRODUCES A TYPE OF
SELF-PRODUCED PHOBIC AMNESIA.

YOU BELIEVE THAT?

IT'S POSSIBLE.

SOMETIMES REALITY
IS SO TRAUMATIC

THAT THE UNCONSCIOUS
REJECTS IT COMPLETELY

AND THE FANTASY BECOMES REALITY.

THANK YOU, DIETRICH. THANK YOU.

YOU HAVE SOME WORK TO DO?

I DON'T BELIEVE WE'VE MET.

HELLO.

HELLO.

OH, HI.

I'VE BEEN WATCHING YOU.

THAT'S NOT NECESSARY.

YOU'RE REALLY NOT
LIKE THE OTHERS.

THAT'S FROM MY FATHER'S
SIDE OF THE FAMILY.

TALK TO ME, PLEASE.

TALK TO ME.

MR. SELLERS, IS THERE
SOMETHING I CAN DO FOR YOU?

YOU KNOW THE DIFFERENCE

BETWEEN A REAL
PERSON AND A CLONE.

I DON'T THINK SO.

IT'S THE VOCAL CORDS.
CLONES CAN'T TALK UP HERE.

UP HERE LIKE THIS.

ONLY HUMAN PEOPLE CAN.

UH, MR. SELLERS...

TALK TO ME!

TALK TO ME!

KEEP IT DOWN, SELLERS, WILL YOU?

HELLO.

GET IN THERE, AND
DON'T BE A WISE GUY.

I'M NOT A WISE GUY.
I'M JUST SCARED.

HOW'D IT GO?

IT WAS GOING BEAUTIFUL
UNTIL THESE GUYS SHOWED UP.

HAROLD SANDERS, BARNEY.

ROBBED THE LIQUOR
STORE ON 14th STREET.

YEAH, YOU REALLY SHOULD
HAVE BEEN THERE, BARN.

GUY CAME OUT JUST
AS WE GOT THERE,

AND OLD FISH CHASED HIM DOWN
THE STREET AND JUMPED ON HIM

AND INTRODUCED
HIM TO THE SIDEWALK.

THAT GUY ALMOST BROKE MY ARM!

YEAH, HE WAS
FIGHTING LIKE A TIGER.

UH, WOJO, BOOK HIM.

NO, NO, NO, NO. I'LL DO IT.

THAT OLD GUY REALLY
LOVES HIS WORK, DON'T HE?

"OLD GUY"?

GET OVER HERE. I'LL
GIVE YOU "OLD GUY."

SIT DOWN!

AS LONG AS THERE'S
PUNKS OUT THERE LIKE YOU,

I'LL BE HERE IN THIS
ROOM AND AT THAT DESK.

SO YOU WATCH YOURSELF!

- FISH.
- "OLD GUY."

WHEN I'M TOO OLD TO TAKE
CARE OF A GUY LIKE YOU...

FISH, UH, CAN I SEE YOU
IN MY OFFICE A MINUTE?

38 YEARS ON THE FORCE.

I'VE SEEN A MILLION
PUNKS LIKE THAT.

AND I'LL SEE A
MILLION MORE, RIGHT?

OVER HERE.

THAT GUY'S NOT NORMAL.

HELLO.

DO YOU BELIEVE A PUNK LIKE THAT?

WHAT'S THIS WORLD COMING TO?

WELL, JUST KEEPS CHANGING.
CHANGING, CHANGING.

SO IT'S A GOOD THING THEY
HAVE SOME OF US AROUND TO...

KEEP A BALANCE, HUH?

YOU'VE DONE A VERY GOOD JOB.

YOU GOT A LOT TO BE PROUD OF.

THANKS.

I BETTER GET IN THERE AND
FINISH PROCESSING THAT PUNK.

COME ON. WOJO WILL
TAKE CARE OF IT. SIT DOWN.

- BUT, BUT, BUT...
- SIT DOWN.

BARNEY, BARNEY, I-I-I...

THERE'S A LOT OF OTHER WORK.

LOOK, WE CAN TAKE A FEW MINUTES
TO TALK, CAN'T WE? COME ON.

SURE.

WHAT ABOUT?

WHAT ABOUT? I DON'T KNOW.

ABOUT... YOU AND
ME, THIS AND THAT.

ABOUT ALL THE THINGS
THAT GOOD FRIENDS,

WHO HAVE WORKED TOGETHER
FOR 18 YEARS, TALK ABOUT.

IF I DON'T FINISH,

I'M GONNA HAVE TO WORK
LATE ON MONDAY, BARNEY.

THERE IS NO WORK ON MONDAY.

IF I DON'T FINISH...
THERE IS NO MORE WORK.

YOU ARE RETIRING TODAY.

NO, NO.

NO, NO, NO, BARNEY,
YOU GOT IT ALL WRONG.

I'M NOT RETIRING SO FAST.

FISH, I KNOW IT'S
PAINFUL, ALL RIGHT?

MAYBE IT'S EVEN UNFAIR.

BUT YOU'VE GOT TO
FACE THE REALITY.

THAT IS THE REALITY.

OTHERWISE YOU'RE GONNA WIND UP

LIKE THAT TWINKIE IN
THE CAGE OUT THERE.

FISH, YOU'VE EARNED THE
RIGHT TO DO SOMETHING ELSE,

TO DO WHAT YOU WANT TO
DO, WHAT YOU ENJOY DOING.

ANYWAY... I WALKED
HERE FROM BROOKLYN.

I HAD A LOT OF TIME
TO THINK THINGS OVER.

AND YOU KNOW THE KIND
OF TROUBLE THIS CITY IS IN.

AND YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT
IS TO GET GOOD MEN, BARNEY.

THE RULES SAY YOU
HAVE TO RETIRE AT 63.

RULES ARE MADE BY MEN,

AND RULES CAN BE CHANGED BY MEN.

I KNOW THE COMMISSIONER.

WE'VE KNOWN EACH
OTHER FOR 20 YEARS.

AND I'M GONNA HAVE
A TALK WITH HIM.

I'M GONNA TALK TO HIM...

AND THEN EVERYTHING
IS GONNA BE ALL RIGHT.

THIS IS NOT THE LAST
DAY OF YOUR LIFE, FISH.

I'M A MAN WITH A RECORD, BARNEY.

YOU THINK THEY'RE
GONNA FORCE ME OUT?

NOT ME!

A MAN WITH MY EXPERIENCES,
MY COMMENDATIONS?

NOT ME!

NOT ME.

Luger: ♪ FOR HE'S A
JOLLY GOOD FELLOW ♪

♪ HE'S... ♪

COME ON, COME ON, EVERYBODY.

♪ FOR HE'S A JOLLY GOOD FELLOW ♪

♪ FOR HE'S A JOLLY GOOD FELLOW ♪

♪ THAT NOBODY CAN... ♪

WELL, WHAT THE HELL
IS GOING ON HERE?

- HUH?
- Wojo: UH...

THEY TOLD ME DOWNSTAIRS
HE WAS UP HERE.

- YEAH.
- WHAT'D YOU GUYS DO?

YOU WENT AHEAD AND HAD
THE PARTY WITHOUT ME? HUH?

AHA!

♪ FOR HE'S A JOLLY GOOD... ♪

♪ THERE HE IS ♪

DETECTIVE SERGEANT
PHILIP K. FISH.

GOT THE PLEASURE
OF SHAKING YOUR HAND.

WHY NOT?

GET OVER THERE.

I'LL FINISH WITH HIM, WOJO.

Wojo: SURE, FISH.

YOUR LAST BUST, HUH, FISH?

YEP.

YOU SHOULD BE HONORED.

OH. I'M THRILLED.

YEAH, WE'LL BRING
HIM DOWN RIGHT AWAY.

UH, CAPTAIN, AMBULANCE IS
DOWNSTAIRS FOR MR. SELLERS.

ALL RIGHT, TAKE HIM DOWN.

ALL RIGHT, TIME
TO GO, MR. SELLERS.

NOT THE OPERATION!

YOU'LL HAVE TO KILL ME!

MR. SELLERS, WE
WANT TO HELP YOU.

YOU'LL HAVE TO
DRAG ME OUT OF HERE!

THAT'S THE ONLY WAY
YOU'LL GET ME THERE!

DON'T WORRY. IT'LL BE ALL RIGHT.

THIS WAY, MR. SELLERS.

THANK GOD.

THANK GOD.

NOW I'M GONNA PUT
YOU IN THE CAGE.

YEAH. SURE.

HELLO, FISH.

HELLO, BERNICE.

IT'S ALMOST TIME.

IN A MINUTE. I'VE GOT
SOME WORK TO DO.

NO RUSH.

HELLO, BERNICE.

I BROUGHT UP MRS. FISH.

I NOTICED, LEVITT.

I ALSO WANTED TO PAY
MY LAST RESPECTS...

"WISH HIM LUCK."

WISH HIM LUCK. AND SAY
GOODBYE TO SERGEANT FISH.

I'M SURE HE'LL BE THRILLED.

BARNEY, UH...

I'M GONNA CLEAR OUT MY DESK.

OKAY.

The present. Get the present.

Nick, where's the
cake and the punch?

Who has all that
stuff for the party?

I THOUGHT YOU
WERE GONNA BRING IT.

WELL, IT SEEMS IT'S 38
YEARS AFTER THE HOUR.

SO I GUESS IT'S TIME TO GO.

NOW, WOJ.

UH...

BARN?

UH, BERNICE, FISH... EVERYBODY.

EVERYBODY IN THE WHOLE
BUILDING CHIPPED IN ON THIS.

GOT THIS FOR YOU.

WHAT IS IT?

I DON'T KNOW. THAT
WAS WOJO'S DEPARTMENT.

I GUESS I'LL KNOW
WHEN I OPEN IT.

UH, MR. SELLERS IS ON
HIS WAY TO BELLEVUE.

VERY WELL DONE.

GOT TO KNOW HOW TO
TALK TO PEOPLE LIKE THAT.

WHAT IS IT?

IT'S A NEW YORK
CITY MUNICIPAL BOND.

OH, MY GOD.

A NEW YORK CITY MUNICIPAL BOND?

YEAH.

HEY, IT'S, UH...
IT'S WORTH $1,000.

W-WHEN IT MATURES.

IF IT MATURES.

IN 1997?

I WOULD HAVE BEEN 83.

WELL, YOU CAN ALWAYS
CASH IT IN EARLY.

THAT WOULD BE
PRETTY EMBARRASSING.

WE CAN WAIT.

WELL, UH...

THE NEXT WATCH
WILL BE ON ANY MINUTE.

BERNICE, TAKE EVERYTHING
DOWN TO THE CAR.

I'LL BE DOWN IN A MINUTE.

I'LL TAKE YOU DOWN, MRS. FISH.

THANK YOU, LEVITT.

MY PRIVILEGE.

HE'S A WONDERFUL MAN.

I KNOW.

HE'S MY HUSBAND.

OH, I WAS SPEAKING
PROFESSIONALLY.

DIETRICH, IT'S YOURS.

THANK YOU.

AND I WANT TO SAY
THAT I'M VERY GRATEFUL

FOR HAVING HAD THE
CHANCE TO WORK WITH AND...

LEARN FROM ONE OF THE BEST.

- OF COURSE, THE DESK...
- DESK WHAT?

NOTHING. I'LL TREASURE IT.

THANK YOU, DIETRICH.

INSPECTOR.

IT'S BEEN A PLEASURE
WORKING UNDER YOU.

FISH, I SALUTE YOU.

YEAH.

NICK.

YO.

YOU TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF.

YOU TOO.

AND, HARRIS, I GOT A FEELING

YOU'RE NOT GONNA BE AROUND
HERE TOO MUCH LONGER, EITHER.

ANY DAY,

YOU'RE GONNA BECOME A
VERY FAMOUS BIG-TIME WRITER.

I SUPPOSE.

FISH...

THERE'S SOMETHING I
WANT TO SAY TO YOU.

UH...

MY VERY WORDS.

BARNEY.

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

WELL, BERNICE IS WAITING.

FISH, UH...

OH. OH, SORRY.

WON'T BE NEEDING THIS ANYMORE.

YOU HAVEN'T BEEN
AROUND MY HOUSE LATELY.

SEE YA.