Barney Miller (1975–1982): Season 3, Episode 20 - Group Home - full transcript

Anything happening?

No, nothing.

Couple of phone calls,

but I convinced them
they didn't need us.

Good.

How about Fish? He, uh,
off on mugging detail yet?

No, he's still in
back, dressing.

Yeah, Liz takes a while too.

Barney? Wojo, Chano, Harris,

everybody gets
mugging detail except me.

Really? I hadn't realized that.



Is there any reason
why you don't send me?

No.

Is it because you think I
don't look good in a dress?

Of course not.

I mean, uh, I think
I'd look very attractive

in the right light.

You want to go
on mugging detail?

No, I just want to be asked.

Barn.

Ready to go?

I'm on with Purcell. He
hasn't checked in yet.

All right, uh, make
yourself comfortable.

That's impossible.

Excuse me, ma'am.



Morning, Nick. Hi, Harris.

Hey, Wojo. Morning.

M ng, Fish.

Morning.

I'm sure you have
something to say.

Take off the pearls.

Wojo... WOJO: Yeah?

When you had this detail, uh,

and you were out in the
park, what did you do?

I mean, did you...? Did
you use the men's room

or the ladies' room?

I waited.

That's no alternative.

Excuse me.

Yeah?

You a cop?

Yeah.

No kidding.

My name is Reville.

Master Sergeant J.R. Reville.

United States Army.

I recognize the uniform.

I'll bet you do.

I wanna speak to
your superior officer.

Please.

Well, we're pretty
equal around here.

Ha!

Barney.

The captain will
see you in a minute.

At ease.

I'm Captain Miller,
what can I do for you?

Uh... Master Sergeant
J.R. Reville, sir.

I run the recruiting station
over at Third and Lexington.

Ah, yes. You know it?

Uh, I've passed there, yes.

Uh, I just got a call
from some wacko,

says he's gonna blow
the place to smithereens.

Have any idea who it might be?

Well, maybe, sir.

I don't know his name,
but, uh, there was some guy

came in a couple of days
ago wanting to join up.

Uh-huh. You recognize the voice?

No. The cough.

This guy on the
phone had this cough

and this hack like
he was gonna die.

Sounds like the same
man that came in.

You're certain of
that? Oh, yes, sir.

I mean, he made the same
funny sound, you know, like:

Have a seat, uh, sergeant.

Just have a seat, sergeant.

Nick, uh, get a mug book.

Uh, we're gonna
show you some pictures

and, uh, see if you
can identify anybody.

Sergeant Yemana
here will help you out.

Here you go.

Ye-ma-na.

Yeah, sounds pretty, don't it?

Don't make sense.

I mean, why would
anyone want to blow up

a United States
military installation?

Nostalgia?

Oh, hey, hey. Here it is.

What you got?

Oh, I had this company
to look up my genealogy.

You know, your
ancestors, your family tree...

Yes, I... I know the term.

Oh, well, this is it.

Now whatever gave you the
idea to do a thing like that?

Oh, I don't know,

I mean, I just got this urge,

you know, to find
out about my past.

To go back to my... Roots.

You saw it too?

Some of it.

You know, you can get
a real sense of yourself,

you know, from a knowledge
of, uh, things gone by in the past,

you know? I mean, the, uh,

trials and sufferings
of your blood kin

experienced
centuries ago. Mm-hm.

You know, the old problems
of all the old tribal rulers.

Hm.

Are you descended
from tribal rulers?

Aw, I mean, there's
been talk to that effect.

Here you go, Nick.

Bombers.

Thanks.

Yemana, did you see my gloves?

No.

Maybe I left them
in the locker room.

Yeah.

Was that a cop?

Yeah.

Uh, we're plainclothes officers.

We can wear anything we like.

Aw, man, they really blew it.

What's the matter?
No royal blood?

Oh, hey, I probably
got it, I mean,

they just didn't go back
far enough to find it.

They stopped at my
great-great-grandfather,

Ezekial Harris.

What was he, a slave?

No.

He, uh, owned a liquor
store in Cleveland.

May we come in?

Certainly, come on in.

Barney, you remember
Jilly Papalardo

and Victor Kroitzer.

Very well.

Hey, I didn't do nothin'.

I'm just here on a social visit.

We came to see Mr. Fish.

Is he here?

Uh, yeah. He's not
available right now.

Why don't you, uh, just
make yourselves comfortable?

Can I use the
bathroom? Certainly.

I don't get to go at
home very much.

Hey, Barney?

Yeah? Excuse me, Bernice.

Why don't you...? I'll be fine,

I'll wait right there for him.

Uh, Reville went
through the books.

No luck.

Oh, all right.

Tell you what you do, uh,

call a police artist.

Uh, have him come down,
maybe we can get a sketch.

I called already.

He's on the way down.

Very good. Yeah.

You know, I used to worry.

Because usually we never seem
to be on the same wavelength.

I never have the
right file you want,

the information you needed.

I'm doing something when you
want me to do something else.

Well, apparently
we're doing better.

I guess you're starting
to think more like me.

Yeah, well, look,
you gotta dig deeper.

I mean, this, uh... This thing
you sent me here stops at 1916.

Plus that, you've got
me stuck in Cleveland.

What do you mean my
family disappears after that?

Listen to me, you either
get me back to Africa,

or give me my 35 bucks back.

What are you laughing at?

I ain't laughin'.

I'm just scared.

I'm on a mugging detail.

This is part of my job.

Yeah, sure.

Bernice, what are
you doing here?

I have to take, uh, Jilly
and Victor to the dentist.

Yeah, we're gonna
get our teeth cleaned.

You know, when they
scrape off all that yellow junk,

they get all that food out
from between the cracks.

Get away from me.

I need some money, Fish.

You forgot to leave me a check.

I didn't intend to.

All right, who
asked for the artist?

Over here.

Sergeant Wilkinson.

Sergeant Yemana,
Sergeant Reville.

How are you?

Can I set up here?

If you want.

Want? Want's got
nothing to do with it.

It's okay.

Want. This isn't
want, this is a living.

Uh, Sergeant Reville,
uh, saw the suspect.

Want is collages,
want's pastels,

an occasional lithograph.

Uh, the sergeant got a pretty
good look at the suspect.

Did you get a pretty
good look at the suspect?

Yeah.

What was his most
unusual feature?

His cough.

Nope, it was more like:

You ever seen any of my work?

No.

Thanks for your time.

Okay, I'll be right down.

I have to go on duty, Bernice.

What about Jilly and Victor?

We'll keep them
for the time being.

No, I mean about the dentist.

All right, all right.

But this is the last
cent I'm gonna spend

till the city gives
me more money.

Thank you.

Bernice, please.

What are you afraid of?
I'll smudge your makeup?

That's a joke.

Didn't you think it was funny?

You have no sense
of humor, Bernice.

That's one of the
reasons I married you.

I have to go now.

We'll go down with you.

Come on Jilly,
Victor, we're leaving.

Bye.

See you around, H s.

No rush, Kroitzer.

Look, could you make the
eyes a little farther apart?

I can put his eyes in
his ears if you want.

Look, you saw the guy, I didn't.

How's it going?

Uh, we're getting there.

You didn't use my chin.

Uh, listen, why don't
I finish the sketch

and, uh... And you go
have a cup of coffee?

Now, wait a minute...

Uh, help yourself, sergeant.

Yes, sir.

I hate having people
watch me while I work.

I used to like it.

Not anymore.

Kind of goes with the job
when you think about it.

I studied seven years in Europe.

Oils, water colors, pastels.

It's pretty nice.

Yeah, I should be in Paris

painting landscapes, nudes.

Instead, I'm rearranging noses.

You know, this stuff
is worse than Army joe.

Yeah, and we drink it.

Hey.

You know, you
look like Army to me.

Uh, Marines.

Oh, yeah? Yeah.

So, what happened?

What are you talking about?

Why'd you quit?

My hitch was up.

Come on, you
could've re-enlisted.

Figured I had more
important things to do.

What could be more important
than protecting your country?

I'm protecting a little
bit of it right here.

Have you ever considered
a career in the Army?

I'm really not interested.

Listen, I got some
literature back at the station

I could send you.
I don't want it.

Don't mention it.

Hey, I'm a New York
City police officer.

It's all right. We
can retrain you.

Okay, that's it.

That's it? Okay, sergeant?

Yes, sir?

Uh, what do you say?

That's him! Good.

Okay, Wojo? That's him.

Let's get copies of these,

uh, distributed around
the neighborhood.

Uh, you said he had a cough?

Swigging this medicine out of
a bag like you wouldn't believe.

Okay, okay.

Drop a copy off at
Bellevue, Beekman

and the free clinics, okay?

Right, Barn.
Harris, go with him.

Yeah, okay, Barn.

Can't... Can't we work
this out some other way?

That was fast work.

Mr. Hector.

Just, uh, he doesn't look
like much of a mugger.

He's not a mugger. What'd he do?

He tried to pick me up.

I don't believe it.

Well, beauty's in the
eye of the beholder.

E-excuse me, captain?

What...? What's
gonna happen to me?

Well, Mr. Hector, that
depends on Sergeant Fish.

Listen, I... I'm not a weirdo.

It's just that it's hard for a
guy like me to meet women.

Apparently.

I was just sitting
at a park bench

and she came by...
He. He. Yes, he.

Anyway, I was just
attracted to him.

I mean, he had this real sexy
way of moving when he walked.

Dislocated his hip last year.

Sit down.

Lookit, I'm sorry,
but this was all a...

A misunderstanding.

Why didn't you leave me
alone when I told you to?

I thought you were flirting.
What'd you offer me $20 for?

That's all I had.

Look man, I... Look, I just
don't care how bad off I get,

I'm just not gonna stay
in one of them places.

What places? Hospitals.

We checked, uh, Bellevue,
Beekman, uh, all those.

Left a picture, they
said if the guy shows up,

they'll call. Okay, good.

Barney, you ever spend any time
in one of those emergency rooms?

I mean, everybody's
running around.

They're yelling, screaming,
crying for doctors.

It's called suffering, Harris.

Yeah.

I guess I just wish they'd
keep it to themselves.

A real humanitarian, huh?

I think Harris just had
a traumatic experience

in a hospital once, right?

Yeah, the nurse over at
Beekman shot him down.

By the way, that, uh, genealogy
company dropped off a package.

It's on your desk.

All right,

now we're gonna
get into a little history.

Okay, Mr. Hector.

I'm gonna put you in a cage.

Oh.

Listen, it's been
very lonely for me.

I'm a widower.

I'm not.

My wife died in '65.

Mine didn't.

I mean, this... Look...

What's the matter, didn't
they go back far enough?

Went back to 1400.1400? Wow.

Africa, huh?

Scotland.

Probably a mistake.

No, man, a
rip-off is what it is.

We ought to bust
that gang of thieves.

Look at my family crest.

A bagpipe on a field of tweed.

It does stretch
one's credulity a bit.

Uh-huh.

Yeah, well, just,
uh, stall him there

and, uh, we'll be
over in a few minutes.

Yeah, right, bye.

What do you got?
Bellevue Emergency.

They're treating
some guy over there

they say looks like the picture.

All right, take off.
Harris, go with him.

Okay, Barn. Nick, uh,

run over to that
recruiting office

and bring back,
uh, Sergeant Reville.

Okay.

Hey, Harris? Yeah?

Maybe you really
are from Scotland.

Oh...

I mean, you ever
get the urge to drive

on the left side of the road?

Nick, yhere is absolutely
no humor in this situation.

I usually get a lot of
laughs in this place.

Here, uh, just, uh,

get inside, all right?

You gotta give me
my medicine back.

Yeah, look, okay but first you
gotta answer a few questions,

all right? That's him.

That is the guy!

All right, just
hold it, will you?

Barn?

Yeah?

Uh, Barn?

Uh, this guy from Bellevue,
his name is DiLucca.

And, uh, that, uh, Reville
just made a positive ID.

What are you, nuts?

I mean, threatening
the United States Army.

Take it easy. You
some wacko ding-a-ling?

Take it easy, take it easy.

All right, now, sergeant,
are you certain this is the man

who came into your
recruiting station?

Yes, sir.

I never forget a cough, sir.

Mr. DiLucca, earlier today

someone called
Sergeant Reville here

and threatened to blow
up his recruiting station.

Yeah, that... That was
me and I was gonna do it.

You admit making the call?

They deserved it for
what they did to me.

Which was what?

Yeah, lookit right
here in the newspaper,

I cut it out two weeks ago.

"Army admits germ
warfare experiments

conducted in New York subways."

Yeah, I read that myself.

Yeah, they planted
germs, bacteria.

They was using
us for guinea pigs.

Sir, if the U.S. Army did that,
they had a very good reason.

Sure, to see how sick
they could make people.

All right, just, uh, take
a seat, Mr. DiLucca.

Would you believe I had
this cough since 1961?

Would you care for some water?

Uh, isn't it possible that, uh,

there's another cause
for your coughing?

That ain't all, I got, uh,
headaches, nausea, insomnia.

That could happen to anywhere.

Eh, I got VD six
times. Explain that.

Did you go to that
place where they...?

Nick.

Just take Ssergeant
Reville's statement.

Sergeant?

Wojo, take care of
Mr. DiLucca here.

Right, Barn.

I checked your
priors. You're clean.

Come on.

Where are you taking me?

I'm releasing you.

I'm very grateful.

Come on over here and
sign for your valuables.

What a waste.

Man, this paper is ridiculous.

What's the matter?

Oh, lookit here, man. I mean,

I know that somewhere, somebody
in my family has been in Africa.

Makes sense.

Yeah, but look at this.

I mean, according to this,

my great-great-great-great-

great-great-great
grandfather was a commander

in the Scottish dragoons
of the British Infantry.

Come on, can you believe that?

You know, the British
army got around.

Weren't they in places like
Rhodesia and South Africa

and places like that?

Man, they are trying
to make me believe

that some Scotch dude
bivouacking in Swaziland

is responsible
for my being here.

With kilts it would be easy.

Okay, you can go now.

I want you to know I appreciate
your consideration, sergeant.

That's okay.

You know, you have
a very nice smile,

but I guess you've
been told that before.

Never.

Mr. Hector.

Lou.

Lou.

I'm a normal man,
you're a normal man.

It just wouldn't work out.

I understand what you're saying.

Good.

You wanna go to a ball game?

I don't like
baseball, Mr. Hector.

Goodbye, Mr. Hector.

Goodbye, sergeant.

Listen, listen...

If you ever get
that detail again,

I'd like to take you to lunch.

Forget it.

Am I finished now?

Yeah.

Thanks for your help.

I don't hold any grudges.

I mean, about the
war and all, you know?

I was in the Army.

You what?

In Nisei Division.

We landed in Italy.

The Nisei Division.

On our side?

The 442nd.

United States Army.

The Nisei Division.

So it didn't make any
difference to you who won.

Somebody had to stop them,
don't you understand that?

Easy, easy. Look, Mr. DiLucca,

according to this, uh, article,

the Army stopped its
experiments in 1970.

Then how come I'm still...

sick?

That, uh, cough
sounds pretty bad.

They took away my medicine.

Yeah? Where is it?

Back at Bellevue.

Uh, Mr. DiLucca, how about this:

How about if, uh,
Detective Harris

and Detective Wojciehowicz

take you back to Bellevue
for some of your medicine?

Sure. Good.

You want us to go all
the way back to Bellevue

just for some cough medicine?

Absolutely.

You know, the cough syrup
with the arms that tie in the back.

Oh, yeah, right.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, right. Sure.

Uh, Barney, I'm checking out.

Yeah, me too pretty soon.

Uh, all that stuff about
germ warfare in the subway,

that's a lot of nonsense.

Probably.

You've been riding
the subways for years.

Wanna split a cab?