Barney Miller (1975–1982): Season 3, Episode 19 - Asylum - full transcript

Wojo prematurely grants asylum to a Russian defector. Marty is charged with a parole violation for possessing a half-ounce of marijuana.

A person has to be
missing for 48 hours

before we can start looking.

You're welcome.

What do you got there?

Uh, possible missing husband.

How long has he been gone?

That was him on the phone.

He was just thinking about it.

He was wondering what
kind of a head start he'd have.

All right, get in
there, you fruitcake.

Don't call me
that. Oh, I'm sorry,



I didn't know you were so
sensitive there, jelly-wrists.

My, you are clever
for your species.

Hello, Marty.

See? I told you I had friends.

What, uh...? What happened?

I think he's into bondage.

You shut your mouth.
Okay, let's take it easy.

Take it easy.

Hello, Marty. Hello, captain.

What seems to be the problem?

I was walking by this...

This fruit bar
over on Lexington.

I hear all this shrieking
going on inside.

We were playing darts.



Well, sir, I went
inside to investigate.

It seems everybody in the
place stopped their illegal acts

the moment I walk in.

But this one, I
catch him with these.

It's unconstitutional.

He didn't even have
a search warrant.

He was trying to eat the stuff.

Well, I was hungry.

All right.

Thank you, officer,
we'll take care of it.

Very stupid, Marty.

And ugly too.

I'm talking about this.

Captain, I've only got two
weeks left on my probation.

I really can't afford
any more trouble.

You're already in trouble.

But it's less than half
an ounce, captain.

That's not illegal.

I'm afraid that's
not entirely true.

Less than half an
ounce simply means

we have some
flexibility in the matter.

It allows us to
take into account

mitigating circumstances,
personal intent.

We have the option of
holding you or letting you go.

Come to think of it,

we have the power of
life and death over you.

I don't believe we've met.

Uh, this is, uh,
Detective Dietrich.

Mm-hm. He's gonna
take your statement.

Detective Dietrich.

Have a seat over there.

Excuse me.

Send this to the
lab, have it analyzed.

I'm, uh... I'm familiar with
the procedure, captain.

Oh, good, then I don't
have to explain it to you.

Not unless you want to.

It doesn't seem to be necessary
under the circumstances.

Right.

We can talk another time.

All right, come on in here.
You're making a drastic mistake.

You cannot arrest me.

Hold still here. I already have.

Come on, in you go. In you go.

He cannot do that to me.

Okay, what do we got?

I caught this
guy trying to for...

Trying to force
this guy into a car.

He is Soviet citizen.
I am Soviet citizen.

I have a diplomatic
passport. I am immune.

Well, you can have all the
shots in the world for all I care.

Wojo, you got his passport?

Sure, Barn.

See, I saw Mr...
Jininski. Jininski.

Yeah, scurrying
along the street.

And all of a sudden
this clown comes up,

jumps out of a car... Wojo,

this looks like a valid
diplomatic passport.

This is. I am Andre Bulganov.

I am political attaché
to Soviet embassy.

Please, sir, I have requested
asylum in United States.

Wojo, were you aware this man
was seeking political asylum?

Yeah. I gave it to him.

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Okay, thank you.

Let him go, Wojo.

But, Barney, we got him on
assault, attempted kidnapping...

Wojo, this is a valid passport.

Diplomatic immunity
puts him beyond our reach.

Turn him loose.

Pfft! Boy, that's just dandy.

You know, you're setting
a wonderful example

for people who got
respect for the law.

Well, he is breaking
the law of Soviet Union.

Pfft! What kind of law is that?

Wojo, just let him go.

Barn, now, I'm talking about
the New York penal code,

not some silly Russian
rules and regulations.

Barney, this is,
uh, some cracker

from the, uh, State
Department on the phone.

This whole incident
is, uh, outrage.

Is a... Is a decadent,
fascistic, uh, conspiracy.

You know what? What?

This is going to
make a beautiful story.

No, sir, no one is being held.

Uh, Mr. Bulganov
has been released.

Uh, Mr. Jininski is, uh,
seeking political asylum.

Uh, ha-ha, yes,

as a matter of fact, it's true.

Uh, in a moment of
enthusiasm, out of compassion

for his fellow man,

one of my men did indeed

grant him political asylum.

Yes, sir, we all laughed
at that for quite a while.

No, I will take no action
one way or another.

Good. Yes, okay, fine.

Yes, sir.

Okay.

They're sending somebody
down to straighten this mess out.

Well, what about,
uh...? Uh, Jininski, huh?

Does he get to stay?

Wojo, that has
nothing to do with us.

Please, sir, I wish
to be protected.

You'll be protected,
Mr. Jininski.

He must come with me.

Please, Mr. Bulganov,
that'll be taken care of.

I don't care about orchestra.
I don't care about piano.

I am staying here.

Captain?

Uh, Mr. Jininski will be
staying with us for a while.

You have no
jurisdiction to that matter.

He must come with me.

Mr. Jininski is being detained.

I am lodging official protest
with your government.

Big deal.

Wojo.

Good day, Mr. Bulganov.

I will be in touch.

Salute to you from your brother

in struggle against
racist imperialism.

Yeah.

Say hello for me.

You'll be all right.

Do you know I want to
become an American citizen?

That's okay by me.

Tell me, did you pass
the test the first time?

Yeah.

What was most difficult part?

Parallel parking.

Is he with the Panov Ballet?

Yeah, he's a musician.

Oh, I saw it last week.

They danced Swan
Lake at Lincoln Center.

I know. Oh, God, it
was just wonderful.

Swan Lake is... Is one
of the most magnificent

and... And breathtaking
of all the ballets.

It's... It's an
artistic milestone

in the history of
the performing arts.

Did you go?

No, I had hockey tickets.

May I help you?

Stevens, State Department.

Harris, police department.

Is there a Captain Miller here?

Hang on a minute.

My name is Stevens,
Jeffrey Stevens.

I'm with the State Department.

Yemana.

Nick Yemana.

They told me you were Russian.

They were wrong.

Uh, excuse me.

Uh, that's the
Russian over there.

This is, uh, Sergeant Yemana.

He's Japanese.

My mistake.

Oh, that's okay.

Arigatou.

Domo arigatou.

Hi. Do you speak any English?

Little bit, but
I... Mr. Stevens,

I'm Captain Miller.

Good afternoon, sir. This
is, Detective Wojciehowicz,

the arresting officer.

I hope you understand
that you had no authority

to do what you did.

The guy was being kidnapped.

What was I supposed to do, huh?

Stand around with
my finger up my...?

Wojo.

I just think someone
oughta tell this guy

that, uh... That people don't
get away with kidnapping

around this precinct.

I don't care what
country they're from.

You might have taken
alternative actions

if you had been a bit
more perspicacious.

Oh, yeah?

Mr. Stevens...

Mr. Stevens, this entire affair

was unfortunate but
unfortunately unavoidable.

I don't know if you realize,

but what we have here
is a very delicate situation.

And my job as State
Department liaison

is to keep it from blowing
into a major diplomatic flap.

You're the expert.

I, uh, started the
job last Tuesday.

Oh.

With the new administration.

Ah, yes, as a matter of
fact, now that you mention it,

I do detect a slight accent.

We no longer have accents.

You do.

Touché.

Captain, why does this
gentleman wish to defect?

Well, I never asked him.

I just assumed that
you would want to.

Ah, that's right.

Mr. Jininski.

I'm Mr. Stevens of
the U.S. government.

I'd like to know your reasons

for wanting to
stay in this country.

Uh, to be free.

"To be free."

I'm afraid that just
wanting to be free

isn't enough, Mr. Jininski.

Good enough for me.
I need more specifics.

Don't you understand?
Please, sir.

Sir, I want to, uh... To work.

Uh, I want to don't be afraid.

I want to... To go where I
choose, to whom I choose

and nobody follow me.

Police.

I want to be free, sir.

Oh, man, this is beautiful.

I mean, man, this
is just beautiful.

Very touching, very poetic.

Let him in. STEVENS:
I am looking for...

Uh, 12th Precinct. Harris.

Political persecution,
religious persecution.

We don't accept defectors
for frivolous reasons.

Stevens, uh, the
State Department.

Thank you.

Stevens here.

What, uh...? What
is this "frivolous"?

Uh, frivolous. Uh, well,
uh, frivolous would be a...

Well, let's say you...
You were in love

with an American
girl. Frivolous.

Me?

No, I am not frivolous.

Of course you're not, huh?

I am homosexual.

♪ My country 'tis of thee ♪

♪ Sweet land of liberty ♪

But you told me I
would be able to stay.

Uh, yeah, well, they're
discussing it in there.

Will they make me to go
back because I am different?

They can't keep
you out of the country

just because you're
gay, Mr. Jininski.

Gay?

That's what they call it here.

Is all right to be
gay in America?

It's wonderful anywhere.

Mr. Jininski?

Mr. Jininski...

It doesn't... It doesn't matter
to me one way or the other.

You are bisexual?

I'm normal.

I like girls.

Oh, uh, you are, uh, frivolous.

This could be very embarrassing
to the new administration.

They have officially
protested the actions

of that, uh, officer of yours.

You let me worry
about my officers.

The... The question is,
what are you gonna do

about that man
sitting out there?

Are you going to
give him asylum?

Oh, I can't give anyone asylum.

You can't?

The only person who
can formally grant asylum

is the District Director
of Immigration.

Then why are you here?

It's my job.

To do what? I
don't know. I'm new.

Well, uh, then it
would appear to me

that the, uh... The next step
would be to get Mr. Jininski

over to the Department
of Immigration.

I'm afraid we can't do that.

Why?

Captain, it is official
policy that no U.S. agency,

including the police,

may aid in any way to help
an individual seek asylum.

Well, then, why don't we
just send him over there?

No, no, no, you cannot
send him anywhere.

How is the man
supposed to get there?

That's up to him.

What if the Russians
grab him again?

Well, in that case,
the United States

will make a formal protest
to the Soviet government.

Ah, I see. We
protest, they protest.

All sounds very
silly, Mr. Stevens.

It's a living, sir.

Tell me, Mr. Jininski,

do they have a large
gay community in Russia?

Mm, is very hard to say.

They are afraid to
be known. Mm-hm.

Well, I must tell you that
I do admire your courage

and convictions very much.

Thank you.

I like your jacket.

Okay, listen, I'm sitting
on top of a news story

that would just be
dynamite for your magazine.

No, really, it's got everything.

Uh, intrigue, danger...

romance.

The longer he stays here,

the more
embarrassing it is for us.

All right, just take it easy,
Mr. Stevens. Just take it easy.

You can go now.

But... But... But...
But... But excuse me.

Where?

I can't tell you that.

Just... Just... Just...
Just go wherever you like.

Captain, you've got
to get him out of here.

Mr. Stevens,
Mr. Jininski is free to go.

You understand that,
don't you, Mr. Jininski?

That's not good enough, captain.

All right, Mr. Stevens,
take it easy.

Let's... Let's just take it slow

and, uh, consider
all the possibilities.

Go, baby.

Barn, there's a whole mess
of Russians down there.

How many?

A dozen? That's beautiful.

That's beautiful.

The problem seems to
be getting Mr. Jininski here

over to the Department
of Immigration.

I'll take him.

No, you can't do that.

Oh, yeah? Why not?

Well, apparently no one
with any official status,

federal or civil,

can lift a finger to help him.

I can help him. I
don't have status.

All right, Marty. Barn, I mean,

we can't just let him get
dragged back to Russia.

Easy. Nobody's dragging
anybody anywhere.

Good, good. Captain.

Captain, the man
can't stay here.

Please, captain.

Mr. Jininski, we're doing
everything we can to help you.

Which is nothing! None
of us can do anything!

You speak for yourself, John.

Jeffrey, sir.

Oh, who gives a...?

Wojo!

Thank you, captain.

Wojo, take
Mr. Jininski downstairs,

put him in a squad
car. I didn't hear that.

Right, Barn.

Take him over to the
Department of Immigration.

I didn't hear that either.

In fact, I can't hear anything.

Lead him to the District
Director of Immigration.

District director.

Mr. Stevens, aren't
you being a bit childish?

I don't care how I'm being.

I want no part in this.

You have no part in this.

Captain, I thank you.

From my heart, I thank you.

Good luck, Mr. Jininski.

And I thank everyone.

Come on, Mr. Jininski.

Goodbye, Mr. Stevens.

Goodbye, comrade.

It was a pleasure meeting you.

Oh, hey, let's get
going, Mr. Jininski.

Uh, give me a ring sometime.

A what?

Call me up. I'm in the book.

What book?

The telephone book. What book?

Wojciehowicz, for God's
sake explain it to him!

Morrison, 1720 28th Street.

Wojciehowicz, tell him, please!

Damn. Talk about soul.

Well, I believe
I'm finished here.

I would imagine so, Mr. Stevens.

Uh, it's been, uh, very, um...

Actually, I was
supposed to be appointed

to the Department
of Agriculture.

Oh? Yeah, I majored
in Animal Husbandry.

Really?

I'm much better with
cattle than I am with people.

Good day, Mr. Stevens.

Goodbye, captain.

Uh, Mr. Stevens,
you forgot this.

Oh, thank you.

Uh, listen, uh, are you gonna

be seeing the president
sometime soon?

I-I'm gonna be flying down
to Washington tomorrow.

Do me a favor, will you?
Tell him Arthur said hey.

Arthur who?

He'll know.

Hey, who is that man?

We're not sure.

You cannot do that.

Where are you taking Jininski?

Ah, Mr. Bulganov. Welcome back.

Oh, you transporting
Soviet citizen in a police car.

Really? Do you deny?

No. Then, uh...

Then you admit it? No.

You playing games,

you... You make jokes.

You will regret.

Uh, phone call for
you, Mr. Bulganov.

Thank you.

They sound mad.

Fool... Fools turning
down pure gold.

Why don't you try LIFE Magazine?

I bet you they'll be interested.

LIFE Magazine has been
out of print for six years.

You're kidding.

Nobody said a word to me.

Don't worry about it.

About what?

About the possible
retribution from your superiors

for your failure to
carry out your mission.

I'm not worrying.

I mean, I hear your government
has become more liberal

and less harsh in the
way it deals with, uh...

With those who have
made political mistakes.

I mean, the
traditional punishment

of sending a person to Siberia

is pretty much a thing
of the past, isn't it?

Siberia will be very unfair.

Damn cold too.

Uh, yeah, Harris.

Uh, hang on a minute.

Barney, line two. The lab.

Captain Miller here.
What does it weigh?

Point four-eight ounces.

How much is that?

It's under, Marty.

Thank you very much, sir.

Oh, God, I could kiss
you, Captain Miller.

I could kiss each
and every one of you.

Should I let him out?

Jininski got in.

Hey! Yeah, here it is.

"Russian Musician Defects.

"Immigration authorities
announced today, uh,

"that Fyoder Jininski,
a Soviet citizen,

"has been granted
permission to remain in the U.S.

"Jininski, a pianist, was
touring with the Panov Ballet,

which is performing
at Lincoln Center."

How about that?

Oh, yes.

"Also granted asylum
in the United States

"was Andre Bulganov,

attaché to the Soviet
consulate in New York."

Bulganov defected.
Yeah, well, I guess

this little incident made his
position a little untenable.

Yeah. You think they'll be able
to, uh, adjust to this country?

Who knows?

I do.

A lot of people end up going
back to where they came from.

It's a calling of the homeland,

the longing to
return to one's roots.

It's often difficult to resist.

We'll see.

Let me see that.

Yeah, sure.

What about you, Nick?

Huh?

You ever feel any longings
to return to your home?

Back to the ancient
cultures and traditions?

Back to the shrines and
temples of your ancestors?

Back to the terraced
hillsides and the cherry trees?

I was born in Omaha.

We got a city in Nebraska
sounds just like that.