Barney Miller (1975–1982): Season 3, Episode 14 - The Rand Report - full transcript

Wojo quits the force rather than return to uniformed patrol one week per month.

Hey, good morning, Barn.

Good morning, gentlemen.

Another day, another collar.

One might expect
at least a chuckle

if only in deference to my rank.

Thank you. It was funny.

Good morning, Nick.

Morning, Barn.

Coffee ready yet?

For what?

For human consumption.

It was funny.

Funny guy.

Fish, uh, hasn't
checked in yet, huh?

Uh, not yet.

Still on that burglary case

over at the old peoples'
home. What about Harris?

Not in yet.

Boy, what kind of creeps
would wanna rip off

old folks at a retirement home?

Thieves mostly.

Oh, excuse me, captain,

I don't have a desk again.

Well, why don't you use Fish's?

He won't be using
it much this week.

He got pretty upset
last time I used it.

Said I scratched it.

How could he tell?

Man knows his desk.

Uh, I think it'll be all right.

Man, man, man.
Man, did you read this?

Hey, did...? Did you read
the latest issue of Newsweek?

No. Was I supposed to?

Hey, Barney, did you,
uh, read this report

from the Rand Corporation

for the Law Enforcement
Assistance Administration?

Oh, yeah, I know this report.

What's it say?

It says that uniformed
cops do all the work

and the detectives
are a waste of money.

You're kidding.

Everyone's entitled
to their opinion.

Yeah, the last time
they had an opinion,

they laid off 3000 cops.

Who's this, uh, uh, Rand
Corporation anyway?

It's a company that
don't make nothing.

They call it a "think tank."

A bunch of guys, they lay on
the beach out there in California

and think about something,

then they write a report on
it and make a million dollars.

Sounds like a pretty good union.

"Detectives spend inordinate
time polishing their image."

Heh! You believe that?

"They spend almost as much time

shuffling papers as
they do crackling cases."

Here. "If detectives,
who are the elite members

"of the police force, don't
solve most of the crimes,

who does?"

Oh, yeah, I'd like
to know who does.

"Principally the
much-maligned cop on the beat."

Oh, man, whoever maligned
the cop on the beat...

Good morning, detectives.

Without good cause?

Got your morning mail

and an extra copy of Newsweek.

Uh, thank you. We have a copy.

Very interesting, isn't it?

Hm, good magazine.

Page 46.

El Rando Corporation Reporto.

Causing a big flap
in the department.

Mm. I hear the, uh,

Chief of Detectives
is threatening to quit.

Hey, captain, you guys ain't
the only ones with sources.

Captain. BARNEY: Yeah?

I don't think it was me.

I beg your pardon?

The scratches on Fish's desk.

I mean, I got nothing
concrete to go on.

I just don't think they're mine.

Have you told him?

No, but I'm gonna have to.


Well, good morning.

Good morning. How'd it go?

You ever spend the
night with old people?


Then there's nothing
I can compare it to.

Did you...? Did you
come up with anything?

Decent night's
sleep for a change.

They put sleeping
powders in the milk.

Well, that's something.

Anyway, I was glad
to get out of there.

It's visiting day.

Oh, hectic, huh?

Nobody ever shows up.

They get dressed up and they
sit there looking out the windows.


Yeah, okay. We'll
be right there.

Barn, burglary in progress

over at the, uh,
Canford Arms Hotel.

Uh, Harris, go with Wojo.

Why me? I haven't
finished polishing my image.


You notice when there's
real trouble who they call.

Hey, it wasn't me
who tipped them off.



I was using your desk again.

It's one of Captain Miller's
temporary assignments.


You may not like hearing this,

but there's something
that has to be said.

I didn't put those
scratches on your desk.

What scratches?

Forget it.

Uh, Fish, you gonna
be around a while?

Yeah, it's just a head cold.

Morning, Barney. Ah,

good morning,
inspector. Morning, fellas.

What brings you to our humble
surroundings this fine day?

Just come back from that
big to-do over at headquarters.

Oh, yeah, I heard about it.

What a crock.

Some eggheads out in California

come up with a lousy report,

the whole police
department goes crazy.

They're probably like them
actors out in Hollywood, Barney.

They're all a
bunch of tutti-fruttis,

know what I mean?

Except for the Duke, of course.

Of course. Yeah.

Don't you worry,
guys. I stuck up for you.

I give them the facts of life.

Told them how you fight
for your life in the jungle.

I'm sure the men
appreciate that.

I realize that, Barney.
Oh, please, oh, please.

Go to your office for
a minute? Certainly.

Not if you've been properlyty
etoilet trained. e bathroom.

By the way,

one detective
from every precinct

gotta go out on the beat in
uniform one week at every month.

Because of that report?

Yeah. Ain't that a kick
in the hindquarters?

Oh, Third Graders only.

Wojciehowicz. He's
our only Third Grade.

Oh, good, good.

Then it shouldn't upset
things too much around here.

You don't know Wojciehowicz.

I thought I did.

Come in.

Oh, God.

Who's in there? Dietrich.

What is he doing
in there so long?

He was trained that way.

My wife's in there with some
pervert and you're arresting me?

But look, Mr. Himmel, you're
not being arrested yet, you see.

Look, you were
interfering with the police

and the fire department.

I wanna go back
there. I gotta go back.

Take it easy. My
wife's in there...

Hold it, hold it, what's
going on out here?

Uh, look, this is Captain
Miller. Uh, this is Mr. Himmel.

His wife was the victim
of a purse snatching.

My wife's being attacked, and
you're worried about her purse.

Take it easy, Mr. Himmel.

Have a seat and tell
us what happened.

Well, we were
walking in the hallway,

and this maniac jumps
out of the shadows,

grabs my wife's purse
and runs into the elevator.

I... I called for him
to stop, but he didn't.

Uh, Mrs. Himmel chased
him into the elevator

and then it got
stuck between floors.

Ah. Oh, my God.

He's probably tearing
off her clothes right now.

Uh, take it easy,
Mr... Take it easy.

are rarely rapists.

You've never seen my Georgia.

You see, we had to
get him out of there.

The firemen are trying
to get into the elevator,

he's driving them crazy.

It's my right as a citizen to
go back there and kill him.

Take it easy, Mr. Himmel.

If you don't behave,
I'll put you in the cage.

You understand that?

Just take it easy. Have a seat.

Uh, Barn?

Listen to me carefully.

Don't ever marry a sex goddess.

I'll remember that.

Why don't you go on...?

Hey, Fish.

How you doing, boy?

I gotta be back at the
nursing home by lunch

to watch the rooms.

They'll all be gathered
in the cafeteria

for a lecture on roughage.

Uh, Barney, nursing home, huh?

I thought he was
starting to talk slower.

He's on assignment, inspector.

Oh, sure, Barney.

If the shoe fits, right?

My wife is being
raped in an elevator!

Well, keep it to yourself.

Don't go yelling that
filthy stuff around here.

It's just a case we're
working on, inspector.

Huh? Oh, oh.

And nobody is lifting a
finger to do anything about it.

Take it easy, Mr. Himmel.

There's nothing that can be done

till the fire department
gets the elevator open.

Don't worry, sir.

If the men of
the 12th are on it,

your wife's in good hands.

I told her to kill herself
if she couldn't stop him.

That's the spirit, Himmel.

Death before dishonor.

Yeah, there you are
there. Keep the faith.

It's on you, Barney.

Don't worry, Mr. Himmel.

Even if by some
coincidence this guy's a rapist,

he wouldn't try
anything in there.

It wasn't planned.

You see, the rapist's mind
and ego is only satisfied

with something that he
has planned to conquer.

Something that's been brewing
in his mind for a long time.



Unless he's impulsive.

All right, yeah, thanks a lot.

We'll, uh, be right down there.


They, uh... They got your
wife out of the elevator.

Oh, my God, don't tell me.

Uh, take it easy, Mr. Himmel.

Uh, sit down.

Uh, Wojo, uh...
No, no, you stay.

Uh, Harris, take
Dietrich with you.

Uh, Barn, I was on this case...

Yeah, I know. We got, uh,

something's come
up here and, uh...

What's come up?

It's, uh, kind of an
experimental, uh,

rotation program...

Yeah. For Third
Grade detectives.


It seems you gotta
pull uniform duty

one week out of every month.

It's a temporary thing.

Look, have fun with it.

You mean like, um...?

Like a social disease, right?

What do you mean?

I mean the fun
part's over in a hurry.

Wojo, it is a temporary thing.

It's because of that report.

Don't worry about it. In a
couple of weeks it'll blow over.

Everything will
be back to normal.

Well, I want things
normal now, Barn.

Hey, I worked hard to get
where I am, and I... I'm staying.

Wojo, you don't have
any choice in the matter.

Well, I got a choice,
and I ain't doing it.

Um, Wojo, can I see
you in my office a minute?

Barn, Barn, okay, I failed the
sergeant's exam four times.

All right, well, I
lived with that.

But I ain't taking
a step backwards.

Wojo, as of this minute,

you are officially on
uniform patrol duty.

I don't wanna hear
any more about it.

I quit.

What happened?

A desk just opened up.

Right this way, Mrs. Himmel.

Georgia, what did he do to you?

Don't be afraid to tell me.

I'm fine, Steven. Yeah?

Is this Mrs. Himmel?

I know what you mean.

Okay, come on.

Right here.

And this is our purse-snatcher?

Uh, yeah, it's Mr. Schweikert.

Uh, actually, he's
been very cooperative.

Somebody give me a
gun, I'll kill him! I'll kill him!

Take it easy. Hey,
what's he talking about?

I didn't do anything to her.

Oh, sure. Sure.

If you were alone
with her for two hours,

would you be able to
keep your hands off her?

I could, but don't go by me.

All right, book Schweikert.

Okay, Barney.

Mrs. Himmel, would you
have a seat over here, please?

Detective Dietrich will
take your statement now.

I want a policewoman.

Himmel... I know
the kinds of questions

you're gonna ask her.

Steven, please, absolutely
nothing happened.

Mark was a perfect gentleman.


Why are you calling him Mark?

'Cause that's his name.

What else did he
make you say, Georgia?

What filthy things
did he have you say?

Good collar, Dietrich.

Oh, we didn't have
to do that much.

Well, you brought him in.

Well, all we had to do

was go into the
elevator and pick him up.

Well, he... He
could have escaped.

There's only one
way out of an elevator.

But you were there.

Yeah. Thank you.

For what?

For being there.

Oh. You're welcome.


611 West 135th Street.

Hey, man, look, she's old
enough to be my mother.

What do you think I am,
some kind of degenerate?

I think you're a
common, ordinary thief.

Hey, thanks,
man. I appreciate it.


Looks like you have
a full house, captain.

What can I do for you, Levitt?

It's too bad those
Rand Report guys

aren't here to see it.

What is it, Levitt?

I'm looking for Wojciehowicz.

He's assigned to my squad.

Uh, Wojo just stepped
out for a moment.

Oh. I'll wait.

Uh, it might be
more than a moment.

Oh. Where'd he go?


we don't know
where he is right now.

Bugged out, did he, sir?

No, he didn't bug out.

He just went someplace to think.

Well, he's supposed to be
on duty downstairs right now.

Look, Levitt, I'd, uh...

I'd appreciate it if you'd
give him a little grace period.

Got it, sir. I'll
phony up the report.

You don't have to
phony up anything.

It's just a question
of a little time.

Time. Right. I'll just move
the time back on the old sheet.

Don't worry about it.

Don't move
anything back, Levitt.

Look, one hand washes the other.

Don't do anything,
is that clear?

Consider it scratched.

What? Your back.

Get out of here, Levitt.

Right, sir.

Sometimes I almost
think you're not kidding.

So, Mrs. Himmel,

what happened after the
elevator became stuck?

Nobody wants to hear that.

Listen, I was a medical student.

That kind of talk
has no effect on me.

It's the price you pay.

Okay, Schweikert,
let's go downstairs

for photographs and prints, huh?

Hey... Hey, ma'am,

believe me, it was
nothing personal.

Well, I'm sorry we
couldn't have met

under more favorable

Come on. Stop
talking to him, Georgia.

You've excited him.

You've excited everyone.

Look at this serendipity.

Mr. Himmel?

I was right outside
the elevator.

I heard a steady stream of
good, clean conversation.

Really, George?


Nothing happened?


Although it... It was
a little close in there.

Could we finish your
statement now, Mrs. Himmel?

What do you mean
"close," Georgia?

Close. You know, close.

It must mean something.

You have to keep a little
mystery in your marriage.

I wouldn't know. I've
never been married.

You never found the right girl?


Anatomy class ruined me.

Um, I suppose the guys, uh,

resent me for sitting
at Wojo's desk.


Don't be silly.

Well, I just have the
feeling that in their minds,

I'm like a vulture feeding on
the carrion of a fallen comrade.

Well, when you
put it that way...

Good morning.

Good morning. Good morning.

How are you doing?
Good to see you.

Uh, don't force it.

Hear from Wojo yet?

Uh, no. I called this
morning. Nothing.

Yeah, I went by
there last night.

He wasn't there.

I'm sure he'll be okay.

It's a typical
reaction associated

with acute self-deprecation
or loss of self-esteem.

I don't think
that's entirely true.

But it's possible.

It's possible.

I believe it. I mean, navy
blue always depresses me.

Look, we're all
reacting to that report.

Well, there have
been reports before

and there'll be reports again.

The point is, we
know who we are,

and we know the
importance of the work we do.


Uh, I got a lot
of stapling to do.

Good morning.

God, you look like
you've been up all night.

I was.

I skipped the warm milk
so I could stay awake.


Case closed. You
caught somebody?

I caught everybody.
They were all doing it.

Stealing from each other
for a little excitement.

Now, that's depressing.

When I accused them, they
all stood there giggling at me.

Sent chills up my spine.

Says a lot about
our culture, huh?

Some cultures are
worse than ours.

Some oriental cultures
have death rooms

where they just
take their old people

and let them sit
around waiting to die.

Not in San Francisco.

Others starve their
old people to death.

When I was in medical school
I took a course in Geriatrics.

It's like a hobby with me.

Get away.

All right, uh,
throw out a report.

Yeah, and after I'm through

I'm gonna go back later and
have a talk with some of them.

Good. I'm sure
they'll be glad to know

that somebody's taking
an interest in them.

They got my wallet.

Captain, I haven't
seen Wojciehowicz yet.

What do I do with my
strength report here?

Do whatever you have to do.

Bury it.

No, don't bury it.

Fill it out
honestly, truthfully,

exactly as it
happens, is that clear?

God, I hope so, sir.

Wojo... Morning.

Where the hell have
you been all night?

Went for a walk.

All night?


That's not a walk,
that's an odyssey.

Okay, Wojciehowicz,
time for muster.



Okay, I just gotta get
some stuff out of my desk.

This isn't what it looks like.

It doesn't look like anything.

That's a healthy attitude.

I just wanna get some
stuff out of here, all right?

I didn't wanna get that chipped.

Thanks, Dietrich.



See you next week.


It'll be okay.

I mean, it's just a
temporary thing, huh?

And, uh, well, I figured why
throw away a whole career

on a quick, emotional,
dumb decision?


I'll stick it out.

Heck, I mean, maybe
it'll make me a better cop.



I gotta break something.

Here. Here's a chair
How about a cup?

Hey, break a window.

Don't worry.

How are you doing on
that nursing home report?

I'm almost finished.

The more I keep writing,
the more depressing it gets.

Well, no one's
eluded old age yet.

Father Time is
creeping up on all of us.

Doesn't he know we carry guns?

I don't think that
would frighten him.

Brought up your mail,
sir. Oh, thank you, Levitt.

Wojciehowicz is out on
patrol and doing fine, sir.

Good. I cleaned
up all the reports,

and no one is the wiser, sir.


Levitt, as long as this
situation continues,

as long as Detective

is on duty downstairs,

you are to show
him no favoritism.

You are to treat him no
differently from anyone else

on that squad.

I want no cover-ups,
no whitewashes,

I want nothing
swept under any rugs

at any time.

Is that clear?!

Certainly, sir.

Absolutely clear, sir.

Whatever you say, sir.

He thinks I don't
know he's covering up

for one of his guys.

Oh, God, you don't have
the window fixed yet, sir?