Barney Miller (1975–1982): Season 3, Episode 12 - Smog Alert - full transcript

The city experiences a first-stage smog alert. A potential suicide victim is saved by a graffiti artist.

What smells, Nick? Did
you burn the coffee again?

It's not the coffee,
it's the smog.

Smog? We're indoors.

It comes through
the holes in the wall.

What holes in the wall?

The holes the cockroaches made.

Don't tell me they got
cockroaches again?

Not anymore.

The rats ate 'em.

Survival of the fittest.

Oh, man. It's killin' me.

Hey, I tried to run my
three miles this morning,

and I could only make 100 yards.

Ah, come on, man, smog
does not come from cigarettes.

It helps.

Listen here.

The Indians sucked their pipes
all through this neighborhood

before you guys got here.

Wasn't no smog then.

What do you mean, you guys?

I mean the place was already
ruined by the time I arrived.

Well, I think it's
bad enough today

without you makin' it worse.

Good morning, gentlemen.

Ah. Morning. Morning. Hey, Barn,

don't you think the
pollution is bad enough

without having to
breathe Harris' smoke?

Look, nobody's forcin'
you. Oh, come on.

I think Detective Harris
is going to demonstrate

the judgment and consideration

he has always shown in the past

during difficult and
uncomfortable situations.

Put it out?

Thank you.

Thanks, Harris.

It probably wouldn't bother you

if you didn't breathe through
your mouth all the time.

I only breathe through
my mouth when I'm talking.



Ah, morning, Battista.

Yemana, could you give me
a hand with this please? Sure.

Never mind.


now, none of us would
think any the less of you

if you wrote you name
down at the bottom. I did.

But somebody with a
sense of humor changed it.

Must have been somebody
from the late watch.

That's okay, I can take a joke.

But what I cannot
take is filthiness

and obscenity and
no respect for women.

Hi there, is this Antoine?

Ah. This is Maria.

Sí. I got your message.

You know, the one in the subway.

The 14th Street
Station ladies' room?

Was that a promise or
just idle words on tile?

Uh-huh. Of course,
the sooner the better.

Where are you, honey?


Of course I know
where that is, silly.

Okay, see you in 15 minutes.

What was that all about?
I'm gonna pick that guy up.

You never read such a
filthy proposition in your life.

What'd it say?

Battista, I can understand
your being angry,

but unfortunately, graffiti
has become a rather common

and accepted form of
expression in New York.

What'd it say? Nick.

Okay, you wanna
know what it said?

Come on, I'll show you.

I copied it down
for evidence. There.

Can you believe that?

Three exclamation points.

No, those are mine.

It was on the wall
in the ladies' room.

That means he was in there.

Let me see it.

Oh, just a professional opinion.

Guys going in ladies'
rooms, that's illegal.

Why don't you
turn it over to Vice?

Oh, come on, captain. I
put a lot of time into this one.

Battista, do you realize you've
made more busts this week

than all of us put together?

I'm just trying
to do my job, sir.

Well, relax, take it easy.

There's a whole world out
there waiting to get arrested.

Little by little, you'll
get to everybody.

It's too complicated
to be obscene.

It's got everything
but a plot. Yeah.

Oh, come on,
captain, just this once.

Let me go get him.

Okay, but take
somebody with you.

Oh, no, no, no.

This is something
I can do myself.

I don't think so.

All right, all right,
but take a uniform.

Yes, sir.

Hello, Fish.

Morning, Fish.


Good morning, Wojo.

You all right? I'll
be fine, Barney.

It's just the smog. I
swallowed a piece.

Hey, uh, Nick, get
some water, will you?

Sure. Anybody see the strainer?

Don't worry, I'll be fine.

You sure you're all
right? Yeah, I'll be fine.

All right. Uh, just, uh...
Take it easy, take it easy.

Oh, uh, Fish, Bernice called.

What'd she want?
Uh, I don't know,

Nick took the message.
It's probably on your desk.

Are you sure this
is from Bernice?

This smog is tearing me
up. I can't even see to type.

That's one good thing
about being Oriental.

We don't expose a lot of eye.

They say anything in there
about the smog getting better?

Nope, but it could be worse.

Yeah, how?

You hear about the London smog?


In 1952, 4000
people died overnight.

Hey, Harris, did you hear that?

Mouth breathers.

Gentlemen, we
are in a full-fledged

first stage smog alert.

Manhattan South
advises all police officers

are cautioned to
restrict their movements.


So, um, try to curtail

any excess physical
activity, huh?

How about, uh,
typing and, uh, filing?

How about it?

Should we slow down?

I don't think that's possible.

All right. Got it.

Uh, Barney, we got a jumper.

Oh, wonderful. Where?

Uh, the Brooklyn Bridge.
She's threatening to jump

if anybody comes hear her.
Why didn't they call Brooklyn?

She's right in the
middle of the bridge.

So why did Dispatch call us?

Well, they said the
wind's blowing this way.

Ah. Okay, go ahead,
take it. Take, uh...

I'm on with Harris today.
Oh, well, uh, Nick can take it.

No. I can do my own job.

Besides, you gotta know
how to talk to jumpers.

I tell a pretty good joke.

Fish. Fish, it's really rotten
out there today. Take it easy.

What is it? A little
talk, a little listening.

They trust me. I find
them a reason for living.

It's you I'm concerned about.

Don't worry, I'll find
a reason someday.

I'm glad you're going, Fish.

It'll be refreshing
to talk to someone

who has a sense
of humor and enjoys

a little sophisticated and
pungent conversation.



Who bought brown sugar?

I don't know.

Well, whoever did, brown
sugar's a lot healthier

for you than, uh,
the refined stuff.

This is brown sugar?

Now it is.

Hiya. Brought up your mail.

Uh, yeah, thanks.
Dump it on the desk there.

Sure. Got a woman up
here now, I hear. Huh?

A woman detective,
right? Uh, what's her name?

Oh, yeah, uh, Battista.

Burns you up, right?

Stickin' you with a
woman and passin' over

a lot of good guys
because they're too short?

Battista's okay.

But there's nothing
we can do about it,

because it's all politics.

It ain't what you are,
it's who you know.

Where's the mail?

I'm 5'6" and a quarter.

Yeah, so?

I thought you asked.

No, I asked for the mail.

I already brought it up.

Okay, you, inside.

Look, I didn't mean
to hurt anyone.

Everybody does it, and
nobody ever gets arrested.

Well, you are
going to be famous,

'cause you are
going to be first.

Battista, right? That's right.

Puerto Rican?

One hundred percent.

What are you, uh, 4'6 ", 4'7"?

Five feet.

Sure, got the whole
world by the tail.

This our author?

Mr. Antoine McCarthy.

Disorderly conduct
and resisting arrest.

Resisting arrest?

I didn't know who she was.

I identified myself
as a police officer.

I-I thought she was
just fooling around,

you know, to break the ice.

Mr. McCarthy, you
defaced city property,

and what's more, in a
particularly vulgar manner.

It wasn't even clean
enough to be vulgar.

Come sit down over here, please.

I wrote down what
you wrote down.

Dirty, filthy smut.

I-if you wanna
catch a person's eye,

I mean, you're competing
with a lot of other stuff.

What were you doing
in the lady's washroom?

What do you want me
to do, hang around bars?

One of these days the
pollution'll get so bad

it won't be fit for
human beings.

That was yesterday.

Look, you gotta understand.
I'm not an outgoing person.

I don't make
friends very easily.


Shipping clerk.

Federal Brassiere Company.

You really like to make things
tough on yourself, don't you?

Twelfth Precinct, Wojciehowicz.

Yeah, Harris.

Uh, yeah. J-just a minute.

Barn. Fish talked the jumper
down and then he collapsed.

They hauled him
away in an ambulance.

Harris, what?

Uh, w-what hospital
did they take him to?

All right, uh, bring her in.

Smog. H-he couldn't
breathe. He just collapsed.

Uh, call... Call Bellevue.

Uh, Harris thinks that
they took him to Bellevue.

Twelfth Precinct, Yemana.

O-o-oh, hi, Bernice.

Uh, no, he's not here yet.

Uh, I guess you keep
missing each other.

Uh, give me Emergency.

Uh, no, he'll be back
in a few moments.

Uh, I'll have him call you.

She wants to hang on.


No, a Fish. Philip K. Fish.

A-and he would have come
in just in the last few minutes.

Tell them it's a
respiratory case.

I already told them, Barn.

They got about 150 cases
like that in the Emergency Ward.

You can hear 'em
cough and wheezing.

Damn it.

Barney. Bernice is hanging on.

Oh, my God. Uh...

Tell her... Tell her he's
busy. Can't talk to her now.

Tell her he's got some
very important business

he's gotta take care of.

Bernice, he's in the bathroom.

He'll get back to you.

Okay, Miss Pettit, here we are.

I don't care where we are.

Would you like some coffee?

No, thank you. Tea?

I don't want any coffee or tea

or friendship or flowers or
love or children or a man.

I don't want any
of that garbage.

How about a chair?

This our jumper?

Uh, this is Miss
Renee Pettit, Barney.

Uh, this is Captain Miller.

What's the news on Fish?

We're still trying
to locate him.

But I thought he
went to Bellevue?

They must have rerouted
him to another hospital.

They're very crowded over there.

Oh. H-he'll be all
right, he'll be all right.

You'd better make
arrangements for, uh...

It'll be a long time

before they get
here. Okay, Barney.

What time is it?

What difference does it make?

I like to keep track of the day
as it goes along. Do you mind?

It's 11:15.

Thank you very
much, I appreciate it.


I never thought
I'd see 11:15 again.

I thought I'd be dead
by 10, 10:30 at the latest.

Miss Pettit, anybody
ever point out to you

that suicide, aside
from being very stupid,

happens to be against
the law in this state?

I'm sorry about your friend.

I should be dead,
and he should be alive.

He is alive.

You didn't see the way he
fell over and hit the ground.

He fainted. When a person
faints he has to get to the ground

some way or another...
Don't trouble yourself over it.

I was only trying to be nice.

Barn, they lost Fish.

He's dead?

I don't know. They
don't know where he is.

Oh, for God's sakes, Wojo,

will you choose your
words more carefully?!

I'm... I'm sorry, Barn.

I... I meant

that, uh, they don't know
where he is at Bellevue,

they don't know which ambulance.
I-I couldn't get information...

Okay, try another
hospital, try Metropolitan

or... Or Beekman Downtown
or St. Vincent's. Right.

A man's gotta be somewhere,
you don't lose an entire policeman.


Uh, Barney, the
people at Bellevue said

they're not gonna be able
to take Miss Pettit right away.

All right, write her up,

and make her as
comfortable as possible.

Okay, Barney.

Uh, would you mind
having a seat over here?

We need a little information.

Do you have any aspirin? Sure.

The wind on the bridge
gave me a headache.

Not only am I flat-chested,
I've also got sinus trouble.

Uh, the, uh, fountain
is right there, ma'am.

You got the time?


Got a pen?


Okay, step right
over here, Miss Pettit.

Miss Pettit?

Any news on Fish, captain?

No, we're still
trying to locate him.

McCarthy don't got no priors.


They're probably
gonna go easy on him.


It's a good bust though, huh?

Yeah, from a
technical viewpoint.

Ah, he's probably
gonna get off clean.

Well, not exactly clean.

I mean, he's already been
humiliated and embarrassed.

You want me to let him go?

It's your collar, Battista.
It's your decision.

That's right.

However, a misdemeanor citation,

a lecture on
respect for women...

Is that my decision?

It's up to you.

It's not bad. Don't
worry about it

he's not gonna write
on any more walls.

Nearest relative?

I guess that'd be my husband.

You're married, Miss Pettit?

It was sort of a handshake.

And his name?

Frankie something.

We'll come back to that one.

Your address, please.

He promised me a kid.

I think I'd be good with kids.

Oh, I'm sure you would,

but, uh, right now,
I need an address.

He kept on saying we
were gonna have a baby,

but nothing ever happened.

He lied to me.

You live in this area here?

He had himself fixed,
you know what I mean?

I've heard of it.

Can you imagine somebody
doing that to another person?

I can't imagine somebody
doing that to another person.

Uh, your address, please?

Miss Pettit, your address?

He's not at the
Wadsworth Hospital either.

Not at the University Heights.


I've checked every damn
hospital in Manhattan.

Look, why...? Why
don't we check Brooklyn?

That's a good idea.

Maybe Brooklyn. Try Brooklyn.

Barn. Yeah?

I think maybe we're
calling the wrong place.

What? What do you mean?

Well, I think, uh,
we should be calling,

you know, the coroner's office.

Oh, come on, man.

Well, he ain't
anyplace else, is he?

If... We would have been
notified if he had been taken

to the, uh... To there.

Well, maybe, uh...
Maybe Manhattan South

hasn't gotten around
to calling us yet.

I mean, maybe...
Maybe they don't know

how to break the news to us.

Headquarters has never shown
us any consideration before,

why should they start now?

It's purely a matter
of communications.

He's all right. He's all right.


Sure wish I'd been nicer to him.

Uh-uh, look, we'll hear
from them. Don't worry.

Everybody's got some
work to do. Right?

Is Miss Pettit taken care of?

Bellevue's on its way.

Fine. Uh, Wojo?


Find something to do.

Give me the coroner's office.

I got a desk appearance
ticket for a McCarthy, Antoine.

What kind of a name is that?

Hey, Levitt, over here.

Oh, your bust, eh?

Is that the ticket?

So, what did he do,
spit on the sidewalk?

Give me the ticket.
Homicide? Burglary?

Ave María. Give me the ticket.

He writes on the bathroom walls.


Okay, McCarthy, out of the cage.

You're being released.

What's the rush?
This ticket requires you

to appear in court on the
date specified on the ticket.

Look, I don't mind waiting here.

Look, I'm trying
to be nice to you.

Come on, don't cause me trouble.

Move it out.

Writes on bathroom walls?

I do that. Eh.

Okay, Mr. McCarthy. Goodbye.

McCARTHY: Listen,
thanks for everything.

You're welcome.

It was nice to have met you.

Likewise, I'm sure.

Sit down, Miss Pettit, please.

I don't wanna sit
down. I wanna leave.

Miss Pettit, please.

No, I really have to go.

I know what you're thinking.

I just wanna go home
and get, uh, organized.

The windows are
open in my apartment.

The smog will rot my curtains.

Just wait right in here,
and you'll be very happy.

I give you my word,
no more bridges.

Hee-hee! It was all a
joke, don't you understand?

For God's sakes, doesn't anybody
here have a sense of humor?

It's a shame.

You're not kidding.

I'd be detective right
now if I was a woman.

You know, I understand
things like that can be arranged.

What are you, kidding?

I wouldn't go through
something like that.

Weird doctors, cut you up.

Making guys into broads.

You don't come out any taller.

Fish. YEMANA: Oh, Fish.

Barney, Fish is here.

Fish, my God, are you all right?

Yeah, sure.

I just gotta wear this mask, uh,

for a few days
when I go outside.

Where the hell were you?

We called every
hospital in the city.

I didn't go to a hospital.
I had a little oxygen

in the ambulance,
and I felt okay,

so I asked them to let me out.

What are you talking about?

No ambulance would
let you out in the street.

The gun helped.

Then I took a subway.

It's good to see you, Fish.

Why, w-what did you do?

Nothing. Heh. Nothing. Heh-heh!

Look, uh, why don't
you just, uh, sit down,

relax and, uh, take it
easy the rest of the day?

Would you do me a favor and
call Bernice? She's been trying

to get you all day.
Yeah, yeah, sure, okay.

How about coffee?


It's not as fresh as it
should be, but sorry.

Yeah, it's okay.

You can drink it
through the mask.

Yeah, she's all ready. Okay.

Miss Pettit?

Yeah? Hello.

Uh, let's go.

I'm gonna take you downstairs.

Yeah, sure.


Evening, Captain Miller.

Ah. Good evening
there, uh, Levitt.

Battista, huh?

Think she's gonna make it?

Well, she's a hard worker.

Uh, yeah, it makes sense if,
uh, you can get somewhere.

I mean, you don't
mind breaking your neck

if somebody upstairs takes
notice of you once in a while

and pats you on the
shoulders and says to you,

"Nice job, well done,
hang in there, Levitt."

But if you knock yourself out
and nobody knows you're alive,

you might as well go to
Maine and become a fisherman.

Ah. Forget it,
captain. It don't matter.

Goodnight, Levitt.

Hang in there.

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