Barney Miller (1975–1982): Season 2, Episode 5 - Heat Wave - full transcript

You'll never open that window.

They nailed it down in 1932,

on the day this building
was condemned.

You can't even
breathe in here, Fish.

This room's like an oven.

I've already split my shifts

and everybody is
working double-duty.

I need more help.

Things happen to people
in 100-degree weather.

Tempers get short.

I said tempers get short!



Hi, everybody.

I'm sorry I'm late.

The cross-town
traffic was the pits,

and there is absolutely
no air in this room.

You could sustain
heavy brain damage

from living in a
condition like this.

Do you realize that you people
are breathing in pure heat?

Who took all the air?

We don't use the stuff.

You must be thinking
of another precinct.

How can you sit there
wearin' a tie and not sweatin'?

Willpower.

Don't you think it would be easy

for me to sweat if I
would let myself go?



Are you saying you don't have
to sweat if you don't want to?

It's just a matter
of values, man.

This is a $30 shirt.

I wish I could do that.

It would keep my hair
from gettin' straight.

I can do that too.

How come you're not dressed?

Oh, uh, w-we got a lot of time.

It's 10 after 9.

We're supposed to relieve
Amenguale and Bailey

in the park at 9:30.

Yeah, well, uh,

see, I gotta talk
to the captain first.

What's the matter?

You worried about
working with me?

No, it doesn't have
nothin' to do with you.

Women always figure it's always
got something to do with them.

I don't wanna hear
anymore about it.

Just go on over there.

What you lousy
cops done is illegal.

Walkin' around
dressed like perverts.

Hey, hey, hey,
you dirty guy, you.

One more crack like that
out of you and I'm gonna

reach into your mouth
with these two fingers

and pull out a tooth.
Now sit over there!

You got some weird
body for a man, fella.

April fool. Fool.

Holy mackerel. One's
phony and one's real.

Wrong again.

Got a lot of action
out there tonight, huh?

Oh, the freaks are out in force.

Good, there'll be
plenty to go around.

You really enjoy
your work, don't you?

Yeah.

It's important, it's exciting,

and it's the best way for a
woman to meet the public:

armed.

Bailey, you should be
checkin' out by now, huh?

Oh, just finishing up, captain.
We brought in a mugger.

Ah.

Wentworth, you and
Wojciehowicz tonight.

I know, I'm waiting.

Yeah, uh, could I talk
to you for a second?

How come you're not dressed?

Um, I just wanted
to talk to you first,

that's all, Barney.

Come on in the office.

Captain, if he doesn't
want to work with me,

I'll go out with somebody else.

Wentworth, I'm
sure it has nothing...

I mean, I got my
green sash in kung fu,

and I shot expert on
the range last month.

Will you relax, Wentworth?

What do I have to do,
wear jockey shorts?

Okay, boys... girls.

Whatever.

I don't want to hear
no more complaints.

Right away you got
luxury accommodations.

Enjoy.

Hey, it can't be turned
on, it's not doing anything.

My very words to Bernice.

Wojo, the idea is to present

an attractive target
to a potential mugger.

Well, I could wear
my old Marine uniform.

And carry a purse?

I just don't wanna wear a dress.

Wojo, it's just
another assignment.

Everybody has gotta pull it.

Well, uh, Harris
hasn't gone yet.

Now we all agreed,
Harris was gonna go last,

in deference to his moustache.

Chano went this
evening, didn't he?

Yeah, but Chano
likes that stuff.

"Hey, hey, look at me,
secret service, undercover."

All that spy junk.

Wojo, it's a proven,
effective method.

I-I don't know how
to act like a woman.

I mean, I don't know
how to walk like a woman,

I don't know how to
sound like a woman.

Do the best you can.

Okay, but I ain't
gonna be any good at it.

Don't threaten me.

Just give me your best shot.

You know, uh, I could've
grown a moustache.

That's what I get
for being clean cut.

Well, are you gonna get dressed?

Yeah, sure.

Course I wanna get dressed.

What you gonna wear?

Who cares?

I do.

I have to be seen with you.

Well, uh, there's a red
dress hanging in the locker,

and, uh, a pair of white shoes,

and a green pocket purse.

You're gonna look
like the flag of Italy.

Ho-ho-ho.

Hey, man, come on now.

You're gonna love it.

A dress is... Is cooler.

My only mistake was
wearing panty hose.

Hey, they, uh,

got some wigs in the stockroom.

I-I ain't wearin' no wig. Heh.

You gonna go like that?

With a crew cut?

A lot of women got short hair.

Yeah, but they don't
wear women's clothes.

I wanted to go like this,
but Barney wouldn't let me.

Oh.

Well, goodnight, gang.

- Night.
- Good night.

Keep the peace.

Good night.

All right, you, let's go.

I'm taking you downstairs,
you're going bye-bye.

I should've known.

Look at them legs.

Excuse me, is this where
they keep the detectives?

Yes, ma'am. Oh.

Is that a black eye?

Yeah. Is that a blue dress?

Depends on the light.

Hey, come on... Can I help you?

Yeah, I want my
husband arrested.

He beat me up.

For some special reason?

The heat.

Excuse me, ma'am,
did I hear you correctly?

Did you say your
husband beat you?

Yeah, you wanna
see the rest of it?

An elbow in the kidneys,

a kick in the
shins, a wrist burn.

And to top it off when he left,
he threw my fish in the sink.

You know, an animal like
that should be put in jail.

What do you think
I'm doing here, lady,

gettin' my hair done?

Okay, sit down, I'll
take you in a sec.

Wentworth, you still here?

Yeah, I'm still here, I'm
still waiting for Wojciehowicz,

and if I don't get out of
here soon, I'm gonna ask you

to take me off park detail
and put me on that case.

Who's she?

Her husband beat her
up, that's who she is.

The heat. The heat.

That bum better
not try that with me.

Wentworth.

I wish everybody
wouldn't take everything

so personally around here.

It's the heat.

Got your wig? It's in my purse.

Put it on.

Can't I wait till I
get to the park?

It looks nice.

You got a fan, why doesn't
somebody turn it on?

It is on.

Hey, Chano? Yeah?

They got a wagon waiting
downstairs to go to the Tombs.

They're, uh,
waitin' for your boy.

I'll take him down.

Okay, mugger, on your feet.

I'm gonna to take
you down for a ride.

Wait for me over there.

So this is the real you, huh?

No, this is not the real me.

Nobody knows the real me.

The real me is a man of mystery.

A man of a thousand faces.

As a matter of fact, the
only people that know

my real identity is the
federal government.

That right, Harris?

Who's that who spoke?

I'm also invisible.

Come on. Can you help me?

I'll be back in five
minutes, okay?

All right, all right,
all right, Mrs. Boyle,

let's have the story.

Well, it's about time.

The swelling was
beginning to go down.

What's your address?

625 West 11th. Apartment 4B.

What's your husband's name?

Parnell Nolan Boyle.

That's a lovely name.

It's not bad for an animal.

Listen, what do you think
of a man who hits his wife?

You only hurt the one you love.

Wait till you hear this.
You're not gonna believe it.

We're not in the park five
minutes... Five minutes!

We go past a big lamppost,
and it gets... We go in the park,

and we go into a very
secluded, very, very dark area.

And a big guy jumps
out from behind a tree,

and then there's
an attempted rape,

right in front of my eyes.

Did you catch the guy?

No, he got away.

How about the victim?

The victim... is coming.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

You mean, this guy jumped out

from behind a tree
and attacked you?

Disgusting, ain't it?

It don't even make any sense.

Yeah, we were walkin' along
together, side by side, okay?

Okay, okay.

You don't have to
draw him a picture.

He gets the portrait.

So anyway, I got knocked down.

Yeah, right, he
pushed her aside.

I got my gun out of my
purse and I yelled, "Freeze."

But it was very dark and
I couldn't see very much,

which obviously
he couldn't either,

and, uh, he took off
through the bushes.

Only I couldn't run 'cause
of these shoes, all right?

So I threw 'em off, and
the ground was covered

with rocks and pointy sticks...

So he got away, huh?

Yeah, he got away.

And he didn't push me
aside, he knocked me down.

Right.

But anyway, I got a look at him,

and I'll know him
when I see him again,

'cause I marked him.

You shot him?

I bit him in the neck.

He probably got a
big boot out of that.

All right, what
are we looking for?

A tall, dark guy
about 185 pounds,

with a hickey on his neck.

And, I'm goin' out after
him again too, Barn,

as soon as I get a new outfit.

Maybe I ought to get one too.

You look fine. Oh, yeah.

Well, I've never been the flashy
type, you know what I mean.

Simple, tasty.

But you know, there comes a
time when subtlety is for the birds.

And if you're gonna
appeal to the baser instincts,

you might as well show
all your bases, right?

Right.

You know, she's
absolutely right.

We're not human
beings, we're sex objects.

That's what I hear.

Here, Mrs. Boyle, sign this.

Yeah. Now, what exactly is this?

This is a complaint record
charging your husband

with assault and battery.

Oh, perfect, because
that's exactly what it was.

Assault and battery
and filthy language.

Sign that and we
can make the arrest.

You bet your life I'll sign it.

Give me a pen. Here you are.

Let me have that. Good.

Barney, I'm gonna
pick up Mr. Boyle.

She says he's either at his home

or at one of the bars
in the neighborhood.

Okay, uh, take Harris with you.

Right.

Okay, okay, let's go.

W-where's Wentworth?

Okay, okay, I'm ready.

What...? What did
you do to yourself?

Listen, I'm gonna give 'em
what they want out there, okay?

Wentworth, I know I speak
for the entire department

when I say we appreciate
your enthusiasm.

Yeah, but, uh,

it's a little bit
brassy, ain't it?

You ain't seen nothin' yet.

We'll see who gets pushed aside.

Listen, could you
tell me how long

he's gonna be locked
up after he signs this?

That's for a judge
to decide, Mrs. Boyle.

We have nothing
to say about that.

Well, you know, I just
wanted to make sure

the bum's gonna get
everything that's coming to him.

What did he get last time?

He got a year's probation.

That ain't up until
Valentine's Day.

Well, if he's broken
his probation,

he could get up to three
years, how's that sound?

Three years, that's perfect.
It'll give him all that time

to think about what
he's done to me.

What does he think I
am, a punching bag?

Three years, right? Three years.

That's, uh... He'll be spending

our 19th, 20th, and 21st
anniversary behind bars.

He'll be 55 years
old when he gets out.

I'll be 51.

Would you like to take some
time to think this over, Mrs. Boyle?

I don't have to think it
over, let him think it over.

Let him think about all the
wonderful times we had together.

Walking in the snow...

Summers on the beach.

You know, he made love to
me one time in a field of daisies.

Married 16 years,

and that crazy,
clumsy bum takes me

in the middle of
a field of daisies.

He's just a clumsy fool,
you know what I mean?

A crazy, clumsy fool.

Goodbye, Mrs. Boyle.

Now that's a
marriage that works.

Yeah, yeah, sure, I
know, you were just out

for your, uh, good
night constitutional.

Hey, man, I didn't do nothin'.

I was just talkin' to her.

Uh-huh. Well, why
don't you just sit down,

before I bend you in half.

Where'd you find him?

He was on the prowl,
looking for action.

Did I do anything to you?

I didn't say anything
out of line, did I?

I told you to shut up.

Does his neck check out?

No, there's nothing there,

but, uh, he could've healed.

Since when has it been
a crime to talk to a lady?

I wasn't lookin' for no trouble.

I didn't know the
big broad was a cop.

What, uh... What happened?

We were walking
through the park,

when all of a sudden this
man here was attracted to me.

And he said something
in the nature of,

"Hiya, good-lookin',
could you lose your friend?"

So Detective Wojciehowicz
slams the cuffs on him.

There didn't seem
to be any point

in taking any chances, Barn.

Wojo, what are you gonna
charge him with, felony fresh?

He could've been
the guy, Barney.

And besides, even if he
ain't he's probably got priors.

Harris, go downstairs,
run a make on him.

Okay, Barney.

Hey, come on, lover.

You were a lot of help.

Smiling at him in the squad car.

Hey, look, Wojciehowicz,
the man got a little excited.

You don't arrest a man for
getting a little excited, eh?

No. You probably got a
big kick out of it, didn't you?

Wojo, why don't you give me
your final report, it's getting late.

Check out, huh?

Who goes out on
second tour with you?

Fish.

Uh, in the future, I
would appreciate it

if personal considerations
are left out of the squad room.

There was no
personal consideration.

Oh, yeah?

Well, I'm sorry to hear that.

Frankly, I have, uh...

I have always found you,

you know, sort of attractive.

I thought you were just jealous.

Jealous?

No?

Fat chance.

Oh.

I mean, I-I didn't say...

I mean, I don't mean
that I didn't notice you.

I mean, uh, I'll admit
that you're a good cop.

Listen, I'll take
what I can get.

Woo!

Ha.

Is that thunder I heard,

or is it just our
plumbing again?

I guess that means we're off
double shifts for a while, huh?

And, uh, park detail.

Oh, yeah? How about that.

Somebody better
tell Fish it's raining.

Okay, Wentworth, let's go.

Oh.

We're called on account of rain.

I thought it was
just the plumbing.

Why don't we all go
home and get some rest.

Come on, Fish, let's,
uh, go get changed.

I think I'm gonna
stay like I am.

Maybe I can get a
seat on the subway.

Hey, what do you
mean, you can't?

You're the weather
bureau, aren't you?

Look, the paper said rain today

and it ain't rainin',

and it's a 110 degrees out there

and I want a forecast,
and I want it now!

You can't?

With all them bottles and cans

you got spinnin'
around up there?

Yeah, well,

you'd be worried too if
you had a moustache, lady.

Wojo, park details are on again.

Get Wentworth on 8 to
4 and Bailey as a backup.

Sure, Barn.

Harris, uh, you
shave at sundown.

Hey, uh,

you won't buy a veil, huh?

Never worked for me.

Chano.

Chano, you owe me
three supplementals

and two auxiliary reports
and I gotta have them in...

In duplicate, triplicate,
quadruplicate.

Right.

You'll never guess
what I stepped in.

Hot tar.

Good afternoon, gentlemen.

I got a surprise for you.

A new fan.

Hey, a fan, what do
you think about that?

In one minute, you're
gonna be in heaven.

Wentworth?

It's, uh, Wojciehowicz
at the 12th Precinct.

Yeah, yeah, hi.

Hey, uh, you're on
tonight from 8 to 4.

Yeah. No, uh, no, not with me.

With, uh... With Harris.

No, I'm not trying
to duck anything.

Uh, if I'd been assigned
to you, I-I would've gone.

Yeah, really, I'm
just going off duty.

Wait, hold... Hold on
a second, Wentworth.

I think we can
work something out.

Hey!

Hey, what's the matter with
you? You crazy or something?

Oh, man.

Oh, man.