Barney Miller (1975–1982): Season 2, Episode 4 - Ambush - full transcript

Yeah, okay, you'll get it.

Are you gonna
to do that all day?

You take care of your
body, it will take care of you.

The way I figure, at this point,

we don't owe each
other anything.

Morning mail.

It's almost 5 p.m.

Came early today.

Great. Eight hours later
it'll be morning mail again.

Here you are, Fish.

Thirteen cents a stamp.



I wouldn't write to anyone

if my life depended on it.

Chano and Harris.

They both smell from perfume.

Maybe they're
writing to each other.

Here's the, uh, duty
roster for tomorrow.

It's almost 5:00.

You guys can
check out if you want.

Long distance call
from Florida, Barn.

Sardana Beach.

I already took that one.

They called again.

Somebody tryin'
to sell you a lot?

Heh. A job.



In Florida? Yeah.

Where are Chano and Harris?

They, uh, went out on a
call about a half an hour ago.

Yemana went with them.

They call in yet?

Not yet. Um, Barn,

you're not leavin' us?

Haven't made my mind up yet.

Captain, morning mail.

Oh, wonderful. Eight hours later

and it'll be back to
being morning mail again.

Hey, I just said that.
Just a minute ago.

No kidding? Yeah.

It just sort of slipped out.

Barney, can you
see what this says?

It's a credit card
charge for $26.

Yeah, but what is the $26 for?

It looks like a restaurant.

I can't make out the name.

It can't be a restaurant.
There's no tip.

It's from a restaurant.

No, I'm telling you,
man, nobody cares, man.

Everybody was standing around
and not one single person...

nobody, not one person,
lifted one single finger to help.

Hey, take it easy, man.

How many times... How many
times did I say, "Call an ambulance.

Somebody please
call an ambulance"?

What did you need
an ambulance for?

Ah, it's Yemana.

What happened? How bad?

He got a bullet in his cheek.

Oh, my God.

Not that one.

Actually, he's pretty lucky.

He'll probably be in
Bellevue about a week.

Coming from behind!

Take it easy. Take it easy.

Take it easy. What happened?

We got a call. Somebody's
got some information

about a robbery suspect.
We go to check it out.

They're waiting for us.

A setup?

Ah, a couple of
dudes opened up on us

before we had a
chance to say anything.

Yeah, isn't that a shame?

Because we usually get
a chance to say, "Halt!

"Police officers. Hands
in the air or we fire.

"However, if while you
are making up your mind,

"you choose to fire on
us, hey, feel free to do so.

"And, afterwards, we
will read you your rights.

"Don't worry about
a thing. Yeah.

Just check form A, B, or C."

We gotta change the rules, man.

Did you get a good look at them?

We didn't get a chance
to see much, Barney.

We were on the floor, man,
trying to get under the floor.

Well, gentlemen,

it appears someone
out there doesn't like us.

Well, they sure picked
a fine way of showing it.

What's more, they got the edge.

They know how to get to us.

Not if we don't
take any more calls.

No guts.

Twelfth Precinct, Fish.

Twelfth Precinct,
Detective Harris.

Twelfth Precinct, Wojciehowicz.

Yeah, give me the address.

Hold it, hold it...

There's your publicity, boys.

Where?

On the board,
under the thumb tack.

Would you read it,
please? I'm too modest.

It's "Cops Ambushed."

You mean, that's it?

That's just the headline.

Uh, then it says,

"Three detectives
from the 12th Precinct

"were fired upon by
an unknown assailant.

There was one person injured."

It's a very nice article.

Yeah. No autographs, please.

You want to take my bank
charge card away, be my guest.

I can't afford credit anyhow.

I don't wanna argue.

I can't read it.
I'm not paying it.

Nick sends his love and
he says in lieu of flowers

he'll take a rubber
doughnut. How's it going?

Uh, this is what
we've got so far.

These are all known cop haters.

It's a growing industry.

I think it's our image.

Maybe we shouldn't
smile so much.

We always go around
doing a lot of smiling.

That's true.

Well, I sure wish you had
gotten a good look at those guys.

Hey, I told you, man,
the apartment was dark.

Yeah. I just wish
I had been there.

Oh, yeah, I forgot.
You were a Marine.

What's wrong with that?

Marines don't smile, man.

They got these cold blue eyes,

they always look straight ahead,

and they got jaws about
a foot wide. Like that.

Well, I guess we just
approach things differently,

psychologically speaking.

Hey, man, you weren't
the only dude in the service.

Aha, that's right. You see that?

You forgot Harris was in the
Coast Guard for two years.

Yeah.

Uh, the legal
department, wasn't it?

Yeah. You think
that wasn't rough?

Hey, maybe. I don't know.

Har, har, har.

Okay, okay. There's
enough cop hating out there,

we don't need it in here.

I'd just like to know how
we're gonna find them now.

Don't worry about
it. They'll call us.

How we gonna know it's them?

You won't... till you get there.

Great.

Well, here I am
back home again...

at the United Nations.

"Bunny" dias, Chano.

Yeah, yeah, how
you doing, Kelly?

Ah, "beuny, beuny." How are
things up in your neighborhood?

Oh, much better

now that we're moving
up to Central Park West.

Central Park West? Yeah.

That's a pretty
rich neighborhood.

How can your people do that?

It's a community thing.

It's called revolution.

You're puttin' me on.

Only for a while.

What do you say, Harris?

Ah, hiya, Kelly.

Hey, you smell pretty
good. What you wearing?

I'm not wearing anything.

You're kiddin'?

You surprised?

Hello there, Kelly.

To what do we owe this pleasure?

Detective Third Grade
Eugene Kelly reportin' for duty.

I've been assigned
to your squad.

What for?

South said you're
short-handed, so they sent me.

The department likes to keep
a guy like me movin' around.

I can understand that.

Only I, uh, don't like replacing

a guy who just bought the farm.

Yemana hasn't bought
anything more serious

than a week on
his stomach, relax.

That's his, uh, desk over here.

Oh. Hey, Barney, do
I gotta use his desk?

He won't mind.

Barney, what do
you think of this one?

Twelfth Precinct,
Detective Wojciehowicz.

Yeah, hold on, just a minute.

It's for you. It's
Sardana Beach again.

I'll take it in my office.

Hey, Fish, what
happened to Yemana?

Was he cleaning his
gun or something?

He was ambushed. Ambushed?

Just because he's a Japanese?

Boy, some guys are
always trying to get even.

It was just some guy
who doesn't like cops.

Hey, there's more
and more of that.

You know, people
used to like cops.

Back in the old days we
used to be George Murphy,

Phil Regan, Pat O'Brien.

Nowadays we're Al Pacino,

Richard Roundtree.

No wonder we're
getting ambushed.

Hey, uh, you guys.

Um, I think Barney's leavin' us.

Yeah, where's he goin'?

Well, he's been
offered a job in Florida,

and, um, well, they
must want him pretty bad.

They called him four times.

Oh, he's been offered
jobs before, man.

Hey, man, but it's a
beautiful time to go.

Ambush time in Manhattan.

When the dingbats are in bloom.

Anybody want to be police
chief of Sardana Beach, Florida?

The job is open. I'll take it.

You? In Florida?

You gotta be kiddin'.

Why not, man? They must have,
uh, seen Blazing Saddles by now.

Hey, you're not gonna
take it, huh, Barn?

I didn't say no,
I didn't say yes.

I told them I'd think about it.

I wouldn't blame you
if you would. Yeah.

By the way, can you
take anybody with you?

Other than your family, I mean?

We haven't gone
into details yet.

Twelfth Precinct. Kelly.

Yeah, all right, all right. Now,
calm down, lady. Calm down.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, give me your phone number.

Yeah.

And the address?

Okay, we'll send somebody
right over. Thank you.

We got a burglary
on 17th Street.

Some broad had
her apartment rifled.

Hey, that could
be another setup.

Come on, Kelly.

Uh, what do you
mean, "Come on, Kelly"?

I just got here.
I'm still unpacking.

I'm trying to get
acclimatized, you know.

Hey, come on, Harris and
Chano had their shot, it's our turn.

Listen, I don't wanna muscle
in on another guy's collar.

Forget it. I'll go.

Yeah, yeah, sure.
Go. You got seniority.

You better verify
that call first.

Yeah, good idea. Fish,
why don't you verify the call?

I mean, come on, will ya?
Hey, that's a rookie trick.

Muscle in another
a guy's collar.

Back in the old days, cops
didn't do things like that.

Hello, madam?

This is Detective Fish
at the 12th Precinct.

Did you just place a call

to report a burglary
in your apartment?

You did? Thank you.

We're glad to hear about that.

We'll send someone right over.

Legitimate? She lost everything.

Hold it. Wojo.

Take Kelly with you.

Oh, yeah, yeah,
sure. I'm glad to go.

I hear you don't wanna
walk into an ambush.

You got a pad?
Yeah, I got a pad.

All right, let's mount up.

Keep your eyes open,
kid. Yeah. Don't worry.

Fish. Hey, um,

you guys see... You
didn't think I was trying

to muscle in on
your collar, did you?

No, man, of course
not. Don't be silly.

I wouldn't do nothing like that.

We know that.
Hey, it's cool, man.

I got a lot of respect
for the Coast Guard.

I talked it over
with Liz. It's a...

It's a tempting offer.

You know, pretty little
town of about 25,000.

Nice clean environment,
beautiful weather.

You turned it down.

I'd be bored without
the challenge,

without the pressures,
without the problems.

It's not for me.
Maybe when I retire.

So they asked me to
recommend somebody else.

Is it someone in this room?

I told them you were the
most experienced officer I knew.

Did you tell them how old I was?

I told them you were
extremely mature.

So you lied.

I told them you were
facing enforced retirement,

and it would be a shameful waste

of a valuable piece of manpower.

Florida, huh?

Think about it.

It would be a
perfect job for you.

Don't you think I'd be bored?

Boredom is a state of mind.

Well,

it's better than
doing nothing at all.

It may not be such a bad idea.

Hm.

Nice sleepy town, green lawns,

warm winters.

Might even help things
between me and Bernice.

You know, seeing her with a tan.

Hey, here's a winner.

It's, uh, "Hess, Jr.,
"Arnold S., "5/4/73.

"Attempted assault on
police officer with a lead pipe.

"11/2/73, unprovoked attack
on police officer with knife.

3/17/74, attempted manslaughter
on police officer with car."

Sick man, sick.

Yeah. Well, we don't
have to worry about him.

He's already doing one to 10.

Oh. Good.

For tax evasion.

Sure, he finally went too far.

Okay, okay, would you just
step inside please, Mr. Ditka.

What is this? Another
attempt to persecute

the American sportsman?

Uh, just have a seat over
here, please, Mr. Ditka.

I was up on my own roof,
rammin' my own cleaning rod

through my own rifle barrel.

Supposed to be
something wrong about that?

Mr. Ditka...

Mr. Ditka, we're not
pressing charges against you.

We're merely conducting
an investigation.

Hey, one, two.

Your old army bunkmate.

Always keep you company
and never gets pregnant.

Where'd you find him?

Mr. Ditka was up on a roof

across from the apartment
building that got ripped off.

Oh, yeah?

Mr. Ditka, what are you doing
up on a roof cleaning your rifle?

Why don't you clean
in your apartment?

I like to be in full
view of the local youth.

Just another way of saying,
"Emile Ditka's got a gun."

Would you, uh, sit
down please, Mr. Ditka?

There are no palm trees,

but it does have
a certain charm.

Hey, Barn. Excuse me.

Uh, this is Emile Ditka.

We found him up on
a roof with that rifle.

It hasn't been fired yet.

Not yet.

Are you planning on
firing this, Mr. Ditka?

If the need arises and the
opportunity presents itself,

Que será será.

Right?

I assume this is registered
with the police department?

Oh, yes, it's registered.

Check it out, Kelly.

Yeah, right away, captain.

Hey, yeah, ha!

They say war ain't
supposed to be fun,

but that one's about
as close as you can get.

When do I get my piece back?

As soon as it's checked out.

When do I talk to my lawyer?

There's no need to
call a lawyer, Mr. Ditka.

You're not being
charged with a crime.

Oh, don't give me that.

The members of my group
have been hassled before.

What group would that be?

The Staten Island Shoot Club
and Personal Armament League.

I'm not, uh, familiar
with that group.

Well, you will be.

And when you need
us, we'll be there.

It's good to know we have
support in some quarters, huh?

Wonderful.

Of course you've got support.

You think the league don't know
what you guys are goin' through?

You got friends out there.

See, we just keep a low
profile for security reasons.

How many, uh, members
are there in your league?

So far? Well, round figures.

Now, let's see. Uh...

There's me and
Charlie. And Larry.

And a new guy. Sid something.

Twelfth Precinct. Detective
Sergeant Amenguale speaking.

Would you repeat that please?

Uh, yes, yes, I'm
writing it down.

Uh-huh. Very good, thank you.

Yeah, we should be there
between 10, 15 minutes.

Thank you very much. Goodbye.

Barney, I swear to you,

that's the same guy
that called me yesterday.

Here we go. Round two.

This time we're all going.

Wojo, draw some weapons.

Meet you downstairs.
Okay, captain.

Fish, get your
excitement while you can.

It checks out, Barney.
It's registered all right.

Okay, give it back to him. Wait.

Draw Mr. Ditka some
.30 caliber ammunition.

What for?

Well, we could use the
extra firepower, Mr. Ditka.

That's an ambush. They
want to kill police officers.

It's a wonderful
opportunity. Oh.

Oh, well, now, wait a minute.

Uh, we've only been on
maneuvers a couple of times.

So what? Practical experience

is the best experience.
You're gonna love it.

Oh, no, wait. I-I don't know
if I can get the guys together.

Larry's a fry cook. He
doesn't get off till 4:30.

Come alone.

Oh. No, not me.

I never shot nobody in my life.

You see, we just use
silhouettes, cans, birds.

Birds? You shoot little birds?

Well, yeah, but we
really don't shoot to kill.

Here's your
opportunity. Come on.

No, no. You can't make me go.

You can't make me shoot anybody.

I thought that's
what you wanted.

You're crazy.

You cops are crazy.

No wonder people don't like you.

Okay, Mr. Ditka,

it's a wonderful
opportunity, you blew it.

Blood-thirsty devils.

After you, gentlemen.

Kelly, uh, mind the phones.

Yeah. Yeah, 5:15. That's
right. Yeah. See you then. Yeah.

Oh, hey, Fish. Yeah?

Here, call Operator 4 in Miami.

What's going on around here?

Is everybody going to Florida?

Can I take this in
your office, Barney?

Sure. And good luck.

Yeah.

Where have you guys been?

Hey, it was another setup.

Only this time, we got 'em.

Oh, yeah?

And I was here all alone
answering all these telephones.

Where's Chano and Harris?

It was their collar.

They took those creeps downtown.

"Pick up bread on
way home tonight."

This has no name on it.
Is that for, uh, Fish or me?

That's for Wojo.

It ain't "bread," it's "broad."

Holy cow. What a stink.

What did you guys do,
come back by way of Newark?

Isn't this the pits, man?

You go lay your body and
soul down on the line for 'em,

and this is the thanks
you get from the home folks

you're trying to protect.

What, uh, happened?

What hap...? What do you
think? What does it look like?

They threw garbage on us!

We were putting those two...

in the van,

and our adoring public throws
garbage at us from the windows.

What's the matter?
They run out of confetti?

I'll tell you one thing.

I am totally disenchanted.

You'll feel better when you
get your clothes cleaned.

What happened?

They're interested.

I told them I'd
think about it. Good.

Did, uh, they tell you why

they need a new chief of police?

The old chief passed away.

He died of boredom.

He was sitting
behind a desk one day,

in his office,

when a guy who was
bored came in and shot him.

Huh.

Life is a gamble at
best, wherever you are.

I don't know, Barney.

I think I'd miss all this.

The excitement, the challenge.

A man has to have something

to keep him out of the house.

I'll tell you, if nobody wants
that job, maybe I'll take it.

If nobody around here
appreciates the job we're doing,

what's the use of
hanging around?

If you didn't expect so much,
you wouldn't be so disappointed.

Barney, I don't expect so much.

All I would like is for
somebody to say "thank you,"

just once in a while.

Once in a while
somebody says thank you.

Yeah? Well, I haven't heard it.

You kidding? I got the
garbage, but no flowers.

You never heard of
Mrs. Lorraine Kirkland?

Who's Mrs. Lorraine Kirkland?

Mrs. Lorraine Kirkland
happens to love the police.

I got a letter here from
her that I've been holding off

because I figured
there'd be a time

when you'd need a little
morale booster. Okay, listen.

"To the men of
the 12th Precinct.

"I am a widow, 72 years of age.

"Two weeks ago, my
apartment was burglarized,

"and the gentlemen who
were assigned to the case

"were courteous, efficient
and very concerned.

"A short time later,
the burglar was caught,

"and my most precious
personal mementos were returned.

"Thank God there
are men like you

"protecting people like me.

"Bless you all and thank you.

Sincerely yours, Mrs.
Lorraine Kirkland."

When did we get that?

June 14th, 1959.

That was 16 years ago.

Yeah.

So she's either 88,
or we're alone again.

Here you go. Duty roster
for the rest of the week.

Chano, you and Harris
are in court tomorrow.

That means I gotta
get my suit cleaned.

Oh, that's all you
got is one suit?

Forgive me.

I don't want a dog, Bernice.

We just had the couch covered.

What do you need company for?

You're not a young
woman anymore.

Yeah, hold on a second.

I don't believe it.
It's Florida again.

For me or for Fish?

It's for Kelly.

Uh, well, you see,
Barney, I, uh...

Yesterday I-I put
out a few feelers.

Can I-I take it in
your office, Barney?

That's what it's for.