Barney Miller (1975–1982): Season 2, Episode 3 - The Layoff - full transcript

A city-wide labor layoff forces Barney, Fish, and Yemana to do without the services of Chano, Harris and Wojo. A morose stockbroker resorts to petty theft.

It's not fair.

Give a man a manicure

and right away he
thinks you're a hooker.

Filthy creep.

I mean, he really made me mad.

Well, I know how
you feel, Miss Lamota.

I gotta get back
to the barbershop

or I'll lose my job.

Okay, as soon as
the judge sets bail,

you can make arrangements.

Do I get my stuff back?

Everything but the scissors.

Look, why don't you
be honest about it?

We've already got
you on possession.

Burglary is only a
couple years more.

I never robbed nobody.

I found the stuff in an alley.

I figured someone threw 'em out.

These furs are worth $12,000.

It was a very good neighborhood.

You got any more booking slips?

I ran out. I'm using
my personal stationary.

Help yourself.

Bernice and Phil.

Just cross us off.

I did. A long time ago.

Look at this.

Wilson, De Lucca
and Feldman are gone.


Laid off.

God, that's worse.

And expect more if the city

doesn't get some
more money soon.

Who ya got for BCI?

I got a cage full.

What took you so long?

There are only six
of us downstairs.

We had 14 guys laid
off in the past two weeks.

That's almost 2000
cops all over the city.

It ain't gonna be safe
out there in them streets.

Not with 2000 unemployed
cops running around loose.

Come on, let's go.

You know, once upon a time,

when you would cross
Washington Square,

you used to be able
to hear birds singing.

Nowadays, you
know what you hear?

"Stick 'em up." "Stop,
thief." "Help. Police."

I'm telling you, everybody's
going crazy out there.

I get nervous coming to
work now and I'm a cop.

Hey, uh, Chano, pick up line 3,

and I gotta get your
signature on these reports.

Look. A man has to
stop, take a breath,

and regain his perspective.


I got it now.

Twelfth Precinct, Detective
Sergeant Amenguale speaking.

Hey, the mayor is
gonna be meeting

with state officials to obtain

additional funds to
prevent further layoffs.

Oh, man, they won't
get no more money.

Why not?

Look, man, think of it this way.

If you were the government
and I was New York City,

would you loan me any money?

How much?

Hey, man, they already
closed down three fire stations.

They could do the
same thing to us.

Not as long as there's
more crimes than fires.

You see, the thing is that
people commit crimes today

to eat, but people
don't set fires to eat.

They do if they
want something hot.

It's all right by you, Fish,

but that's because
you got seniority.

You can say that. Yeah, yeah.

I also got gout and gallstones.

It's part of the deal.

No, they... They can't go
strictly by seniority, man.

They gotta have some
young blood on the job.

Well, then how are
they gonna decide

who goes and who stays?

Don't... They got a guy
downtown who's gonna be saying:

"Eenie, meenie, minie, mo."

That means I'm next.

I should have been a doctor.

Doctors never get laid off,

it's not dangerous,

and when somebody calls
you in the middle of the night

and says, "Hey,
man, I'm in trouble,

get over here right away,"

you get to say "no" and hang up.

Tellin' me, you
wanna go through life

telling people to stick
their tongue out at you?

Hey, they do it anyway.

You were meant to be a
cop just like me, never mind.

No, man, people aren't
meant to be anything.

You are whatever
you make of yourself.

Hey, no, no, no, no, no.

That's where you're wrong

and I'm gonna prove it to you.

Look, I could have been
anything in this world

that I wanted to be,

because I happen to be
a very intelligent person.

But what am I?

A cop.

There you are.

Twelfth Precinct, Detective
Sergeant Amenguale speaking.

Oh. Right.

Right. Okay, we'll
be right down.

Okay, Harris, let's roll.

Trouble on Wall Street
and no squad cars available.

Did you say positively
we'd be there?

That's my job, man, you know.

I mean, you can
afford to loaf on the job,

but I happen to be a minority.

I should have been a doctor.

Yeah, me too.

Hey, we're out of matrons.

You're gonna have to hold
Lizzie Borden here for awhile

till we get somebody to
transfer her downtown.

All right. Sit down.

Oh, when do I get
to use a phone?

I have to call the barbershop.

Right now. You get one call.

You have nice hands.
You shouldn't bite your nails.

Oh, yeah, well,
I didn't used to.

You stay tensed up on
a job like this, you know.

Seems like the last
couple of months it's been...

Hello, Mr. Cavelli?
Oh, excuse me.

This is Dorothy Lamota,
Mr. Cavelli. Yeah.

I'm still at the police station.

I know. I'm very embarrassed
about the whole thing.

Well, you could be a little
understanding, after all,

it's the first time in my
life I ever stabbed anyone.

Hello? Mr. Cavelli?

I've been fired.

Oh, yeah? Well, there's
a lot of that going around.

Lend you a couple of men?

I've lost 22 uniforms and
three plainclothes already.

Right now I've got less
firepower than P.S. 86.

How many you
lost out at the 2-7?



McCarthy's a captain?

I didn't realize
it was that bad.

Barney, Department
of Personnel on line 2.

Once I gave a
carpenter a manicure

who only had seven fingers.

Oh, yeah?

Must have saved him
a couple of bucks, huh?

No, I charged
him the full price.

The way I feel,

I'm a person with
a special ability,

I have a set price.

You can't go by the finger.


My God, those are beautiful.

Are they yours?

I'm a cop, lady, not a duke.

Whose are they?

They're mine.

Would you mind
if I tried one on?

Help yourself.

All right.

This is really gorgeous.

Ah, I never felt
anything like this.

You were born to wear mink.

Thank you.

What are you gonna do with them?

Well, I was gonna sell 'em.

I got nobody to give 'em to.

What a shame.

You got lovely hands.

He should of kept
'em in his pockets.

Okay, okay, over there.

Right here. Okay, hold it there.

I'm a college graduate,
did I tell you that?

Yes, but that's not
why we use handcuffs.

Empty your pockets, eh?

Wojo, can I see you
in my office a minute?

Sure, Barn, what's up.

We'll talk inside.

Um, hey...

anything in particular
I should know about?

Yeah, that's what I
wanna talk to you about.



All right, Mr. Shine,
what's your, uh...?

Where do you live?

You mean now? Yeah.

Uh, the Ace Hotel.

That's 446 Bowery.

All right. Occupation?

Uh, I'm a stockbroker.

What's going down?

Oh, Mr. Shine here was
apprehended by a patrolman.

Caught him running down
Wall Street with that purse, there.

It belongs to a
Miss Ethel Gorman.

Where is Miss Gorman?

We don't know. I'm
gonna try to reach her now.

It was just being there on
Wall Street without a nickel.

Mr. Shine is a
stockbroker, Barney.

Are you married, Mr. Shine?

Not anymore.

I tried it twice.
It never worked.

It was a waste of eight months.

Eight months?

Eight months and out.

I had it made.

Big, big income.

Great apartment on
Central Park West,

blue Ferrari.

I should warn you, Mr. Shine,

anything you say can be used
against you in a court of law.

And the women.

Smart, beautiful, sophisticated.

Eight months and out.

Please, could I
have a cup of coffee?

Why not, you've
had everything else.

Hey, Barney, Miss Gorman
said she'll come down

and make the identification.

She also said that,
uh, Mr. Shine hit her.

Is that true, Mr. Shine?

Yes, yes, I-I did.

It was just another
way of saying:

"Let go of the purse."

What would you have done?

I would have found another
way of getting the money.

Don't you have any friends?

I told you, I'm a stockbroker,

or at least I was until
the SEC investigation.

Ever hear of Colony Funding?

Colony Funding?

Oh, you too?

I was killed. I had 28 shares.

I had 5000.

I lost everything.

You ever been to the
Ace Hotel? It's filthy.

It's a waste of time to wash.

I woke up this morning, I
looked in my pockets, empty.

Nothing. Nothing in my
pockets when I woke up.

Not a nickel.

Do you know
what that feels like?

Not yet.

Mr. Shine, do you want
to step in our guest room,

wait until Miss
Gorman to get here?

Well, at least it has a view.

Oh, Mr. Shine, uh, I
was just wondering,

that blue Ferrari you mentioned,

how much does a
car like that cost?

Twenty-six thousand dollars.

Twenty-six thousand.

You hear that?

Twenty-six thousand...

It would take me 10 years of
working overtime every night

to make $26,000.

Chano, can I see you
in my office please?

Sure, Barney. What's up?

We'll talk inside.

Harris, you too.


What do you think happened?

I think I just blew the car.

Eight months and out.

How are you guys doing?



Everything's cool.

You guys know the situation,

I don't like to beat
around the bush.

Eenie, meenie, minie, mo.

What's that?

Oh, just a guess.

Just got a call from downtown.

Due to budgetary considerations

certain layoffs
have been indicated.

You mean us?


The four of us?

I almost wish it was.

The three of us.

Yeah, I'm afraid I'm
gonna have to ask

for your guns and badges.

You're officially off
duty as of right now.

Hey, you guys wanna
hear something funny?


It can't last long.

This city can't
survive without cops.

This isn't Blue Water,
Wisconsin, this is New York.

We're living in a...

In a fear-ridden, crime-filled,
freaked out disaster area.

So, uh, cheer up.

Excuse me, could I
have my manicuring kit?

Oh, uh, sure.

Are, uh... Are you
through with that coat?

If necessary.

Women are such
fools for stuff like this.

Bernice would do
anything for a fur coat...

if she could do anything.

Just isn't fair, you know?

When has it ever been fair, man?

We're always the
first ones to go.

Puerto Ricans and blacks.

I'm not a Puerto Rican or black.

You're a token layoff.

Here's the, uh, watch
roster for tomorrow.

You and me and Fish?

Not exactly what you'd
call a deterrent force, is it?

Oh, we can handle it as long
as there isn't too much crime.

And, uh, fix the
roster board, will ya?

Uh, you mean, you want
me to erase their names?


I'd rather not, if
you don't mind.

It's all right. They
know about it.

Let Fish do it.

I asked you to do it.

You do it.

Come on, Nick,
don't be ridiculous.

I'd do it, but, uh, I
got other things to do.

Okay, I'll try.

Ow. Ooh, ooh.

Makes it tough
for you like this.

Oh, I don't mind.

To tell you the truth,

if we'd had a set up like
this in the barbershop,

I wouldn't be here now.

Miss Gorman?

Oh, God.

Captain Miller? Front.

This is, uh, Miss Gorman.

Oh, thank you for coming
down, Miss Gorman.

That's the man.

That's the man that hit me.

Take it easy, take it easy.

Are you certain of
that identification?

Positive. I could
never forget him.

Wojo, get Shine out of the...

I gotta get some
stuff from downstairs.

Yeah, me too, uh...

Miss Gorman, is this your purse?

Yes, it is. Here you go, Barn.

I'm done.

It was a great key.

Barney, two guys
walked into a supermarket.

The clerk thinks one of
them was carrying a gun.

They still there? No, they left.

Good, we could use more
stick-ups like that around here.

Now, uh, this incident occurred
on Wall Street, am I correct?

In front of my office.
I'm a stockbroker.

I knew it. This is a nightmare.

Take it easy. Take it easy.

I had just left my office

when this man
approached me in the street.

He grabbed my purse,

we struggled for
it, and he hit me.

But there was no
viciousness in it.

I assume you wanna
press charges?

I should say so.

Please, Miss Gorman,
don't send me to prison.

I don't wanna discuss it.

Sign right here, please.

I'm not a thief!

I'm a stockbroker.

Colony Funding could have
happened to you, Miss Gorman.

But you hit me.

You hit a woman.

I don't believe in double
standards, Miss Gorman.

I have never looked at
women as being inferior.

I've always
considered you equals.

And the lip...

The lip doesn't look
that bad, does it, fellas?

My tooth is loose.

Well, teeth don't stay loose.

They tighten up.

A little extra
brushing up and down.

It'll get better. Oh, I beg
of you, Miss Gorman.

Don't press charges.

Um, listen, I don't really wanna

get any more involved with this.

Would you just give me my
bag and let me get out of here?

You're certain of this?

I'm positive.

Nick, give Mr. Shine
his belongings

and get him out of here.

Oh, thank you, Miss Gorman.

I am eternally grateful.

Thank you.

Would you check the contents.

Right here.

Oh, just a moment.

There were $68 in this
wallet when I left my office.

Sixty eight dollars in cash.

Wait a minute. That's my money.

Not anymore.

That's my $68
and I want it back.

I can't do that.

Mr. Shine, give the
lady back her money.

I went through
hell for this money.

I told you, I never hit a
woman before in my life.

You weren't married long enough.

Just out of gratitude.

Miss Gorman is not
pressing charges.

Haven't you people
been listening?

Don't you understand

what it is for a man to
wake up in the morning

without a nickel in his pocket?

It's degrading.

I'm a bum.

An impotent bum.

He's insane.

The man's insane.

Oh, lady, for God's sakes,

I'm trying to get
back on my feet.

These few dollars, they
don't mean anything to you.

But it's my money.

Well, you'll get more.

What do you want me to do,

go out in the street and
mug somebody else?

Have a heart.

I can't take anymore of this.

I'm going.

I'll still need your
signature on this receipt.

I got my cards and
my personal things

and he can have the money.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Try to look at this as a reward.

Mr. Shine.

You can go too, Mr. Shine.

You do see my point?

I must admit, you've
got me a little confused.

Good day, Mr. Shine.

But I don't make the rules.

I mean, without
money, what are you?

It's not who you are.
It's what you have.

You understand?

Oh, yeah, sure.

See you around.

I do feel better.

Have a good day, Mr. Shine.

Is there something else we
can do for you, Mr. Shine?

I hate to leave
without your respect.

Captain, I'm here for Lamota.

Right here.

Let's go.

We got a matron waiting.

Oh, all right, do I
have time to buff?

Yeah, there's a ladies'
room downstairs.

That'll give you an idea
what his nails look like.

It was nice meeting
you, Dorothy.

It was nice meeting
you, Charlie.

Take care of yourself.

I'll be okay. Now,
you keep in touch, eh?

Well, I-I don't know
where I'm going,

or how long I'll be there,
or where you're going.

I don't know,

but it can't be for more
than a couple of years.

I'll... I'll meet ya.



Well, uh, Christmas Eve.

We'll meet here every
year on Christmas Eve.

Captain, is that okay with you?

Yeah, sure.

There's always something
happening Christmas Eve.


see you around, Barney.

Don't be a stranger.

Let us hear from you sometime.

You guys, uh, give me a call if
you need anything, you hear?

Wojo, uh, take care.

Good luck.

Got it.

Barney, the guys are
back at the supermarket

with two other guys and
they're carrying shotguns.

Fish, Yemana, let's go.

Just us older guys?

Fish, pick up the weapons.
I'll meet you downstairs.

Uh, Barney, uh, four
guys with shotguns.

You're gonna need some help.

There's nobody available.

Hey, Barney, we could go.

No, you can't.

You're officially off duty.

Kogen, how many
guys you got downstairs?

That's all?

Uh, never mind.

Hey, Barney, why
don't you make believe

you forgot to tell us about it?

I can't do that. Why not?

Who's gonna know the difference?

I can't ask you to go.

You're not even on salary.
Who's gonna pay you?

I will.

You need something, captain?

Uh, yeah. Uh, sit here.

Watch the phones and keep
your eye on the, uh, cage.

Barney... Hey, hey!

You're not asking
us to do anything.

Yeah, we just need a
lift to the supermarket.

We're going shopping anyway.


But I better see
you buy something.

How'd it go?

Okay. We got some help from
some of the other precincts.

Hey. Four guys,
all with sawed-offs.

They took 'em over to
Manhattan South and...

Well, I'm telling you,
this place is a madhouse.

Captain, here's some
messages for you.

Look, I-I'm gonna
take him with me.

We got a car available now.


Hey, you guys did good work.

I appreciate it.

But you lied to me.

What are you talking about?

You want a tangerine?

Listen, in case I
don't make it this year,

give this to Dorothy
on Christmas Eve, huh?


No point in hanging
around here, I guess.

Look at this.

Just in the time
we've been gone.

A stickup, two muggings,
breaking and entering...

Why don't we just raise a
white flag over the building?

Uh-oh. What?

Department of Personnel.

Hold it, fellas. Wait for us.

Uh, this is Captain
Miller, 12th Precinct.


All right.


Albany turned the mayor down.

But we got a loan
from Connecticut.


So the department
is back on full staff

until the loan runs out.

Huh. That oughta last us
through the end of the week.

Hey, man, look
at the bright side.

This could start a trend.

We got 48 more states to go.


No, no, no. You can't
count on New York.

What about the
Federal Government?


Captain, I got a
burglary report.

Three typewriters and
an adding machine.

From where?


While I was
watching your phones.

Wojo, Nick, here
you are, gentlemen.

Your checks have arrived.

Hey, I'm gonna go out and
have a great, big dinner tonight

and celebrate because I almost
didn't get any dinner tonight.

Eh, and I'm gonna
cash mine quick

before Connecticut
changes its mind.

Hey! Hey, hey, hey, hey.

My check's smaller this week.

Yeah, same here. Mine too.

You guys were officially
laid off for three hours.

The city docked ya.

That isn't fair.

It's gonna get worse.

I understand there's
another strike coming.

You're kidding.

Who is it this time?

Con Edison.

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